Another abysmal marketing lie is being perpetrated by Sony to make people think PSP has some sort of "community" surrounding it.
PSP is for lonely men to watch films on on the train home. That's all.
He ACTUALLY SAYS "This is my den. I love my BMX. I love my skateboard". It is terrible. Very terrible. As terrible as, say, a green and blue background with a yellow and red logo on top.
FROM THIS MAN: "While spending another lunchtime at my desk watching the Guardian's pick of sporting Youtube clips, I noticed Sony's latest attempt to really scrape at their favourite demographic, the bottom of the barrel. It's a piece of rare marketing nouse, yet another attempt to assimilate an uncaring public into a community/ghetto."
THERE'S MORE. CAN PEOPLE PLEASE BE BRIEFER IN FUTURE? THANKS.
"Following from one annus horribilis into what will surely be another annus left more bloody and horrid than the last, it seems fitting Sony are choosing to use banner ads recalling the horror of Goatse. And more fittingly, the world inhabited by the average PSP user will no doubt be as shitty, cum-crumb-flecked and gapingly revolting, as Mr Goatse's prolapsed cock-maw" - Cameron M.
"PS: I used PrintScrn, MS Paint, and the 'Save as' function to capture this. Even that was a bit of a struggle."
PSP is for lonely men to watch films on on the train home. That's all.
He ACTUALLY SAYS "This is my den. I love my BMX. I love my skateboard". It is terrible. Very terrible. As terrible as, say, a green and blue background with a yellow and red logo on top.
FROM THIS MAN: "While spending another lunchtime at my desk watching the Guardian's pick of sporting Youtube clips, I noticed Sony's latest attempt to really scrape at their favourite demographic, the bottom of the barrel. It's a piece of rare marketing nouse, yet another attempt to assimilate an uncaring public into a community/ghetto."
THERE'S MORE. CAN PEOPLE PLEASE BE BRIEFER IN FUTURE? THANKS.
"Following from one annus horribilis into what will surely be another annus left more bloody and horrid than the last, it seems fitting Sony are choosing to use banner ads recalling the horror of Goatse. And more fittingly, the world inhabited by the average PSP user will no doubt be as shitty, cum-crumb-flecked and gapingly revolting, as Mr Goatse's prolapsed cock-maw" - Cameron M.
"PS: I used PrintScrn, MS Paint, and the 'Save as' function to capture this. Even that was a bit of a struggle."
The red was making us angry. The sky symbolises a new dawn. The background is stolen from OutRun in case you're wondering. The main column is a few pixels wider and hopefully you'll all find the blues and greens a bit easier on the eyes.
Apart from that, it'll be banality as usual.
Cheerio, old pal. You were good, on certain versions of certain browsers, and when viewed at specific resolutions.
Apart from that, it'll be banality as usual.
Cheerio, old pal. You were good, on certain versions of certain browsers, and when viewed at specific resolutions.
It's all a bit foreign, but it looks like some cracked-up tramp has been trying to rob old women using a SEGA Master System light gun. This is our future.
We have a funny story to do with attempted robbery and a SEGA light gun. But we will save it for another time. Possibly a posthumous update to avoid legal repercussions.
We have a funny story to do with attempted robbery and a SEGA light gun. But we will save it for another time. Possibly a posthumous update to avoid legal repercussions.
Look what we have done. We have made a grown man take a photo of a keyring and mug in a studio environment.
"Since I have nothing better to do at work I thought I would send you this picture of an early 90s Sonic keychain obtained from a kid's meal at a local Northern Sweden hamburger chain (www.frasses.se) and also a mug from work that looks a bit like it has Dreamcast logos on it. You might want to publish these for the sole reason that the picture is high resolution, was taken with a moderately expensive camera and lit with semi-professional studio lighting. Lots of love" - Protected identity Swedish guy.
IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS
Photo taken with a Pentax K200D. Man also has a bottle opener as a secondary keyring, indicating possible alcohol dependency.
"Since I have nothing better to do at work I thought I would send you this picture of an early 90s Sonic keychain obtained from a kid's meal at a local Northern Sweden hamburger chain (www.frasses.se) and also a mug from work that looks a bit like it has Dreamcast logos on it. You might want to publish these for the sole reason that the picture is high resolution, was taken with a moderately expensive camera and lit with semi-professional studio lighting. Lots of love" - Protected identity Swedish guy.
IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS
Photo taken with a Pentax K200D. Man also has a bottle opener as a secondary keyring, indicating possible alcohol dependency.
Sony has closed Go!Messenger, the PSP messaging service advertised by that transsexual Lucy Liu we quite liked. This might mean transsexual Lucy Liu is now looking for work.
If that work involves giving out handjobs to men without making eye contact, she has a guaranteed £50 waiting for her here. Can someone at Sony please pass on this offer to her "people" please?
Another battle lost for Sony. War still raging.
If that work involves giving out handjobs to men without making eye contact, she has a guaranteed £50 waiting for her here. Can someone at Sony please pass on this offer to her "people" please?
Another battle lost for Sony. War still raging.
A girl shockingly developed SORE HANDS after playing lots of games. These mysterious "sores" healed after not playing games for a while.
It must be serious, it's on the BBC.
Utter nonsense. But if it disrespects PlayStation in any way we're prepared to feign outrage and sign petitions. Sony must axe that SICK DISEASE-CAUSING MACHINE.
It must be serious, it's on the BBC.
Utter nonsense. But if it disrespects PlayStation in any way we're prepared to feign outrage and sign petitions. Sony must axe that SICK DISEASE-CAUSING MACHINE.
Which is all the justification we need.
No idea who she is. Her name's Phoebe Price. Still don't know who she is, though. We're out of touch with Street Fighter, but surely graphics aren't this good yet?
No idea who she is. Her name's Phoebe Price. Still don't know who she is, though. We're out of touch with Street Fighter, but surely graphics aren't this good yet?
EXHIBIT A: The high. A man called Dan Bull doing a superb Streets-style history of video gaming via the medium of rap music. We DEMAND the offices of THE NATION ring out to this today.
The only shame is his over-reliance on PS2 games in verse three. Saturn and Dreamcast don't get a mention.
EXHIBIT B: The low. "Why The DREAMCAST is NOT BETTER Than the PS3, Wii, and Xbox 360."
SENT IN BY:
"Zeek" and "Freshnut Promotions" who have the time to find stuff like this. The latter probably because it's their job.
A VERSE ABOUT SATURN AND DREAMCAST WE'VE JUST WRITTEN
You can use this for free in a remix, if you're reading this, Dan.
The only shame is his over-reliance on PS2 games in verse three. Saturn and Dreamcast don't get a mention.
EXHIBIT B: The low. "Why The DREAMCAST is NOT BETTER Than the PS3, Wii, and Xbox 360."
SENT IN BY:
"Zeek" and "Freshnut Promotions" who have the time to find stuff like this. The latter probably because it's their job.
A VERSE ABOUT SATURN AND DREAMCAST WE'VE JUST WRITTEN
You can use this for free in a remix, if you're reading this, Dan.
It's 1997 then.
I stop masturbating over FHM and pick up a magazine called SSM.
That's SEGA Saturn Magazine, the world's greatest gaming fanzine.
Devoted to SEGA while completely ignoring the burgeoning PlayStation scene.
I chipped my Saturn at great expense, my Sony-loving friends thought it didn't make sense.
"What you doin wiv that Saturn? You wanna bin it! Sony's got all the best games on it, innit!
They don't know that Saturn is where the fun starts - and lasts and lasts and lasts. In fact, SEGA Saturn is better than the sum of all PlayStations component parts.
Then came Dreamcast.
Oh my god. Sega Rally 2. The NTSC version as the PAL conversion was poo.
Easy left, baby! K-right! Slow down! I'm crying with happiness so much that I might drown if I lie down!
I buy Japanese games for sixty a pop quid from dodgy import shops.
I know it's a waste of money but I just can't stop.
They'll be out in the UK eventually.
But waiting three months for Jet Set Radio doesn't make much sense to me.
I've got to have the games immediately.
I don't care if they're in Japanese, I'll just have to work their controls remedially.
My VMU batteries have died, but it still saves my game.
Between me and you, that's the sort of bravery we associate with the Dreamcast name.
Oh yes. We're supposed to be having a new logo - perhaps even as soon as this year! Here are a few more ideas we've had sent in. This was the first batch.
If you have any ideas, send them in. We are still open and ready. The email address for sending them in is ukresistance@hotmail.com as you well know. Don't go acting all cool like you can't remember our email address.
Probably a joke entry.
Probably a joke entry.
Hopefully a joke entry.
This one's nice. We would particularly like to receive more logo ideas from people that ARE ANY GOOD and are TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.
Serious entry.
Probably serious. Very artistic.
That's not going to fit, is it? Look at the shape of hole it's got to go in. Use some COMMON SENSE, MAN.
We'll have to contact Richard (yay!) and ask him how much we can buy the official rights to his likeness for.
So yes, very nice. None leap out as something we'll be able to bear looking at 50 times a day for the next five years, though.
If you have any ideas, send them in. We are still open and ready. The email address for sending them in is ukresistance@hotmail.com as you well know. Don't go acting all cool like you can't remember our email address.
Probably a joke entry.
Probably a joke entry.
Hopefully a joke entry.
This one's nice. We would particularly like to receive more logo ideas from people that ARE ANY GOOD and are TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.
Serious entry.
Probably serious. Very artistic.
That's not going to fit, is it? Look at the shape of hole it's got to go in. Use some COMMON SENSE, MAN.
We'll have to contact Richard (yay!) and ask him how much we can buy the official rights to his likeness for.
So yes, very nice. None leap out as something we'll be able to bear looking at 50 times a day for the next five years, though.
We haven't played Twisted Metal or God of War. So we're level.
Taken from Jaffe's Twitter thing. If you're wondering, UKR does sort of have a Twitter thing - a reader who knows about all the things the young people are into signed it up ages ago before it was cool and turned it into a posts feed.
ABOUT THE UKR "TWITTER THING"
It's not us. It's not done by us and we're not in charge of it. So if it turns into a gay porn highlights reel tomorrow don't come crying back here with your tales of ripped arseholes.
Taken from Jaffe's Twitter thing. If you're wondering, UKR does sort of have a Twitter thing - a reader who knows about all the things the young people are into signed it up ages ago before it was cool and turned it into a posts feed.
ABOUT THE UKR "TWITTER THING"
It's not us. It's not done by us and we're not in charge of it. So if it turns into a gay porn highlights reel tomorrow don't come crying back here with your tales of ripped arseholes.
It is quite a coincidence that T3 and Microsoft have tracked down the UK's "hottest Halo fan" a mere week before the release of Halo Wars.
It's also quite a coincidence that she's got her own promotional Halo Wars vest top, plus the MAIN FOCUS of her Halo love seems to be Halo Wars which isn't even out yet.
"Those have to be the hottest promo shots I've ever seen. A sexy brunette, cute little hot pants and a Halo Wars top - sexy as fuck. I pretty much creamed when I saw the pictures of her ironing and making tea. It's where the woman belongs" - Mike.
Her "bedroom" also seems lacking in the usual accoutrements we've come to associate with the bedrooms of girls (from seeing them on television home makeover shows).
It helps if you look at the screen. The screen tells you what's happening. It's not enough to just hold the controller and have the console turned on. That's not playing.
But still. It's vaguely relevant and is of a girl. Here are some facts about Amanda which you can use to convince your mum & dad you have a girlfriend.
It's also quite a coincidence that she's got her own promotional Halo Wars vest top, plus the MAIN FOCUS of her Halo love seems to be Halo Wars which isn't even out yet.
"Those have to be the hottest promo shots I've ever seen. A sexy brunette, cute little hot pants and a Halo Wars top - sexy as fuck. I pretty much creamed when I saw the pictures of her ironing and making tea. It's where the woman belongs" - Mike.
Her "bedroom" also seems lacking in the usual accoutrements we've come to associate with the bedrooms of girls (from seeing them on television home makeover shows).
It helps if you look at the screen. The screen tells you what's happening. It's not enough to just hold the controller and have the console turned on. That's not playing.
But still. It's vaguely relevant and is of a girl. Here are some facts about Amanda which you can use to convince your mum & dad you have a girlfriend.
About Amanda:
Amanda Johnstone is 25 years old, lives in South London and runs her own event management company. She spends a lot of time away from home however when at home she likes nothing more than being snuggled up in bed with her Xbox controller, playing Halo to help take her away from her daily stresses.
Her good friend Sam introduced Amanda to the world of Halo 7 years ago when he launched his 'Halo club' nights at The Cross (Kings Cross, London) which all began as part of his passion for the game. She worked the door for three years and was also used as the 'face' to advertise the night. As she spent more time with Sam some of his infatuation with the game started rubbing off on her.
Amanda became more and more into Halo and was spending more of her evenings with the covenant as Master Chief, trying to save the world. This became an obsession, to a point where not only was she playing until the early hours of the morning on most nights over Xbox LIVE but started collecting Halo merchandise - from themed mugs and posters through to bags and figurines. She even sleeps with Master Chief every night under her Halo duvet cover and pillow case set.
Amanda's obsession doesn't stop here as she recently got herself a little pet Chihuahua and named him 'Chiefy'.
In 2007 she was also lucky enough to win tickets to attend the launch of Halo 3 where she walked the red carpet with Master Chief, Pharrell Williams, Christian Slater amongst other celebs.
"I have so much fun playing Halo and absolutely love getting on Xbox LIVE and getting better scores than a lot of the boys I regularly play the game with. I can't wait to get my hands on a copy of the new game Halo Wars."
When Amanda is not trying to save the world on Halo she is blasting out karaoke hits on Lips. Her favourite songs include Leona Lewis's Bleeding Love and Rihanna's Umbrella.
Having SEGA as your company name is a coincidence. That could be explained away quite easily over an informal business breakfast. But stealing the logo? Just going on Google and getting a logo? That's DOWNRIGHT THIEVERY.
"This is better than any of the SEGA/Dreamcast-spotting-in-the-wild posts you've had submitted this century - SEGA has entered the construction business in Brazil! It's not a rip off, it's a homage!" - Subbie.
"This is better than any of the SEGA/Dreamcast-spotting-in-the-wild posts you've had submitted this century - SEGA has entered the construction business in Brazil! It's not a rip off, it's a homage!" - Subbie.
Nine years past its best before date. Stale. Very apt for the SEGA of today.
"Here is a high resolution photo of some exclusive Dreamcast popcorn from the 'Dreamcast Premiere' event at the Empire Leicester Square, which my colleague has had in his cupboard since November 2000! SEGA's popcorn is manufactured by Hollywood Express Ltd, of Preston. It contains hybrid popcorn, vegetable oil, salt, and colour - beta carotene. It has a best before date of 13/10/00. You may make your own joke about the best before date of the Dreamcast. We daren't open the packets now in case it releases some kind of biotoxin" - John.
IT CONTINUES...
"Also in the shot is a somewhat shoddy Dreamcast bottle collar, which was given to us wrapped around a bottle of Coke. The bottle in the photo is not the original. He didn't do a great job of keeping the ticket in mint condition, but at least it's readable and shows the date of that memorable trip to Dirty London to meet Sonic and Ulala.
"We put a copy of today's paper in the shot, so you know we're not just recycling an old photo. There seems to be some purple fringing on the newspaper text, for which I can only apologise on Canon's behalf.
"I think the collection is worth keeping for another two years before putting it on eBay during the tenth anniversary celebrations."
"Here is a high resolution photo of some exclusive Dreamcast popcorn from the 'Dreamcast Premiere' event at the Empire Leicester Square, which my colleague has had in his cupboard since November 2000! SEGA's popcorn is manufactured by Hollywood Express Ltd, of Preston. It contains hybrid popcorn, vegetable oil, salt, and colour - beta carotene. It has a best before date of 13/10/00. You may make your own joke about the best before date of the Dreamcast. We daren't open the packets now in case it releases some kind of biotoxin" - John.
IT CONTINUES...
"Also in the shot is a somewhat shoddy Dreamcast bottle collar, which was given to us wrapped around a bottle of Coke. The bottle in the photo is not the original. He didn't do a great job of keeping the ticket in mint condition, but at least it's readable and shows the date of that memorable trip to Dirty London to meet Sonic and Ulala.
"We put a copy of today's paper in the shot, so you know we're not just recycling an old photo. There seems to be some purple fringing on the newspaper text, for which I can only apologise on Canon's behalf.
"I think the collection is worth keeping for another two years before putting it on eBay during the tenth anniversary celebrations."
Found by a "Leo" who said it was in some sort of $1 shop. Even though they're clearly marked $2.90. We are not interested enough to seek clarification regarding the actual price.
Brace yourselves. We've got FIVE photos of these to get through. You might want to go and make yourself an EXTREMELY STRONG cup of instant coffee.
Leo tells a story with these pictures.
The story is... "I SAW THEM AND GRADUALLY GOT NEARER TO THEM."
The end of the story is that he got very close to them, but didn't bother buying them.
But he did get very near them. Getting near them is fine. It's like getting near enough to a woman to smell their moisturiser. The memory can sustain you for months.
Brace yourselves. We've got FIVE photos of these to get through. You might want to go and make yourself an EXTREMELY STRONG cup of instant coffee.
Leo tells a story with these pictures.
The story is... "I SAW THEM AND GRADUALLY GOT NEARER TO THEM."
The end of the story is that he got very close to them, but didn't bother buying them.
But he did get very near them. Getting near them is fine. It's like getting near enough to a woman to smell their moisturiser. The memory can sustain you for months.
That 13-year-old boy who knocked up the 15-year old? You'll never guess what he's into.
Spotted by a man called "Yankee." He's the one that reads The Sun, not us. We sit outside Starbucks reading the media section of the Guardian, trying to convince the waitress we're intellectual.
UPDATE:
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Spotted by a man called "Yankee." He's the one that reads The Sun, not us. We sit outside Starbucks reading the media section of the Guardian, trying to convince the waitress we're intellectual.
UPDATE:
Enjoy it while it lasts.
SEGA fan spotted staring vacantly into the distance while "living the dream" of attending a music festival. It looks cold and muddy. That bag's going to get RUINED.
"About two or three months ago now I was at a Scottish music festival when my girlfriend spotted this guy and said 'Take a photo and send it to UK:R but make sure you tell them I spotted it'."
"I'd kind of forgotten about these photos as I was in 'a state' but I did go and shake the gent by the hand problably drunkenly saying 'cool bag' or similar. Anyway, goes to show that SEGA fans like the outdoor music scene as much as the next man and my girlfriend thinks about UK:R a wee bit too much - Robbie."
"About two or three months ago now I was at a Scottish music festival when my girlfriend spotted this guy and said 'Take a photo and send it to UK:R but make sure you tell them I spotted it'."
"I'd kind of forgotten about these photos as I was in 'a state' but I did go and shake the gent by the hand problably drunkenly saying 'cool bag' or similar. Anyway, goes to show that SEGA fans like the outdoor music scene as much as the next man and my girlfriend thinks about UK:R a wee bit too much - Robbie."
In January of 2008 Sony sold 269,000 PS3s in America. In January of 2009 it sold 203,000. That's less. 203,000 is DEFINITELY less than 269,000. We are POSITIVE. Hang on, we'll just check that. Where's the link to the adding thing?
Yes. There you go. It's less. PS3 sold 66,000 less/fewer units this January than last January. So, the ten year plan for PS3 was to have sales peak in year two, then have the business gradually run down to zero over the remaining eight?
Sounds like a good plan to us. Figures, as ever, from GAF.
Yes. There you go. It's less. PS3 sold 66,000 less/fewer units this January than last January. So, the ten year plan for PS3 was to have sales peak in year two, then have the business gradually run down to zero over the remaining eight?
Sounds like a good plan to us. Figures, as ever, from GAF.
Labels: WAR ON PS3
Here, after an EPIC and PAINFUL search for a way to embed audio clips onto the internet, and then a subsequent battle to make it BLOODY WORK, is the 1990s gem 'Supersonic' by Hedgehogs With Attitude. You may well think games are popular now, but we don't recall Call of Duty 4 having a fucking SONG in the charts or being on Top of the Pops.
This is the 12" mix. If "the floor" responds to this we'll "drop" (upload) the 7" and the instrumental. The video is not on YouTube. We remember a woman in a catsuit running down the Sonic 2 bonus level, but that may have been a fevered hallucination brought on by the excitement of it all at the time.
"I was clearing out my under-stairs cupboard last Sunday, (with a view to attaching some arris rail to stop the treads from creaking) and whilst doing so I came across this CD single from the early '90s. It's by a band called "Hedgehogs With Attitude" and although the track is mostly complete and utter bobbins, they have thankfully kept the melody from Green Hill Zone in the chorus" - Hampton.
OR JUST STEAL IT: If you want to just steal it, like in the good old days, the file's here. We are not particularly concerned about being made to take this down. We doubt any record company would want to publicly claim ownership of this material.
"Hampton" also said he remembered seeing HWA on Top of the Pops.
This is the 12" mix. If "the floor" responds to this we'll "drop" (upload) the 7" and the instrumental. The video is not on YouTube. We remember a woman in a catsuit running down the Sonic 2 bonus level, but that may have been a fevered hallucination brought on by the excitement of it all at the time.
"I was clearing out my under-stairs cupboard last Sunday, (with a view to attaching some arris rail to stop the treads from creaking) and whilst doing so I came across this CD single from the early '90s. It's by a band called "Hedgehogs With Attitude" and although the track is mostly complete and utter bobbins, they have thankfully kept the melody from Green Hill Zone in the chorus" - Hampton.
OR JUST STEAL IT: If you want to just steal it, like in the good old days, the file's here. We are not particularly concerned about being made to take this down. We doubt any record company would want to publicly claim ownership of this material.
"Hampton" also said he remembered seeing HWA on Top of the Pops.
We are not stopping with the spiral updates. We are, however, taking your comments on board. Rather than individual spiral updates, we shall try to only do one MEGA-COMBI spiral update per month. This is fair. This is a compromise. This means everyone is happy and no one has to call anyone else a cunt in the comments.
This was sent in by "Will". It's from Zelda. It means something like Dreamcast 2 is coming and SEGA's going to buy Nintendo with all the money it's made from doing Sonic & Mario.
This is from one of our 2.7 million readers called "Chris". It's of a Dreamcast logo on a man's URBAN VEST JUMPER COAT HYBRID, as featured on a web site for Sony's ultra-poor Rolly MP3-playing robot twat. It means that SEGA is buying Sony with all the money it's made from doing Sonic & Mario and basing Dreamcast 2 around the Cell architecture.
This is from "Joe". It's of a lamp. This means SEGA will be exclusively marketing and releasing Dreamcast 2 through IKEA.
This is from "Sam". It's something he saw in Costa Coffee. This means Sam has yet to be impacted upon by the credit crunch and still thinks spending £2.55 on a cup of coffee and a further £3.75 on a toasted ciabatta is an acceptable way to behave.
This is from "Waqas". It's of some bins. Waqas needs to get a new phone with a better camera VERY URGENTLY.
This is from "Tim". He spotted it during Doctor Who. The golden era of when Billie Piper was in it.
Tim wisely supplied a close-up of Billie's face. If you want a nice, hi-res promotional photo of Billie Piper, there's one here - we obtained it under slightly false pretences by pretending it was for illustrating proper news.
This was sent in by "Will". It's from Zelda. It means something like Dreamcast 2 is coming and SEGA's going to buy Nintendo with all the money it's made from doing Sonic & Mario.
This is from one of our 2.7 million readers called "Chris". It's of a Dreamcast logo on a man's URBAN VEST JUMPER COAT HYBRID, as featured on a web site for Sony's ultra-poor Rolly MP3-playing robot twat. It means that SEGA is buying Sony with all the money it's made from doing Sonic & Mario and basing Dreamcast 2 around the Cell architecture.
This is from "Joe". It's of a lamp. This means SEGA will be exclusively marketing and releasing Dreamcast 2 through IKEA.
This is from "Sam". It's something he saw in Costa Coffee. This means Sam has yet to be impacted upon by the credit crunch and still thinks spending £2.55 on a cup of coffee and a further £3.75 on a toasted ciabatta is an acceptable way to behave.
This is from "Waqas". It's of some bins. Waqas needs to get a new phone with a better camera VERY URGENTLY.
This is from "Tim". He spotted it during Doctor Who. The golden era of when Billie Piper was in it.
Tim wisely supplied a close-up of Billie's face. If you want a nice, hi-res promotional photo of Billie Piper, there's one here - we obtained it under slightly false pretences by pretending it was for illustrating proper news.
A thing is deemed to have reached CRITICAL MASS when three separate individuals email us links to it. Three things have reached CRITICAL MASS so far this week.
Actually there were only two. Could've sworn there were three.
CRITICAL MASS #1
Eurogamer's Ellie Gibson (unshakeable mental image) met and spoke to Yuji Naka. She mentioned UKR. The bad news is Yuji Naka hasn't heard of UKR. The good news is he seems to be up for a bit of flirtatious MSN action with us in the future!
CRITICAL MASS #2
This literally sensational thing about Sony off of The Onion. It is crushingly painful to forget about The Onion for six years, then go back to it and find it's STILL very funny. Actually better. What are they ON?
Actually there were only two. Could've sworn there were three.
Such a shame. We had a REALLY big and comprehensive update featuring Dreamcast logo-like spirals planned for today. It will have to wait until tomorrow. Alison Carroll waits for NO MAN (unless she's made a prior booking to receive at her flat for £250 an hour).
This one's best. We usually like to save the best one for last, but thought we'd BUST convention and just go for it. You only live once. Fuck it. FUCK IT! Let's put the best picture up FIRST!
Not that any of them are what you'd call shabby.
Sent in by "Rory" who says he got them off a site called WENN.
We think you're supposed to pay for photos from WENN, which adds a thrilling element of theft to these already-quite-thrilling photos.
If WENN gets in touch and asks us to take them down we'll ignore the email. We're not losing these.
We still saved a pretty good one for last.
This one's best. We usually like to save the best one for last, but thought we'd BUST convention and just go for it. You only live once. Fuck it. FUCK IT! Let's put the best picture up FIRST!
Not that any of them are what you'd call shabby.
Sent in by "Rory" who says he got them off a site called WENN.
We think you're supposed to pay for photos from WENN, which adds a thrilling element of theft to these already-quite-thrilling photos.
If WENN gets in touch and asks us to take them down we'll ignore the email. We're not losing these.
We still saved a pretty good one for last.
Mucky little Alison Carroll has proved remarkably resilient for a Lara Croft model - here she is from last week, where she was wheeled out, wiped down, propped up, given something to hold and told to trudge through the same old poses YET AGAIN for the pleasure of men who can only make eye contact with her via the security of the 2.4" LCD monitor on the digital camera.
Disgustingly smudged screen. This is why women shouldn't be allowed to have expensive technology. They get Vaseline over EVERYTHING.
Have you ever used a computer after a woman? The mouse always smells of flowers, there are greasy thumb marks on the space bar and what looks like specks of yogurt on the screen.
For the first two years, all new household gadgets must be exclusively used by the male in the house. Only then, when they're already a bit grimy, can women be allowed to get hand cream and assorted moisturisers all over them.
She's holding up well, isn't she? That looks like a proper, genuine smile, not the sort of fake, lifeless dead-eyed grin we've come to associate with people who work full-time within the video game industry.
Right. That's it. You've had TWO porn updates in a row, now. So tomorrow it's spiral time. More spirals that you can possibly imagine. Spiral curtains. Spiral mugs. Spiral lamps. That's the deal.
PREVIOUS STALKING ACTION
Disgustingly smudged screen. This is why women shouldn't be allowed to have expensive technology. They get Vaseline over EVERYTHING.
Have you ever used a computer after a woman? The mouse always smells of flowers, there are greasy thumb marks on the space bar and what looks like specks of yogurt on the screen.
For the first two years, all new household gadgets must be exclusively used by the male in the house. Only then, when they're already a bit grimy, can women be allowed to get hand cream and assorted moisturisers all over them.
She's holding up well, isn't she? That looks like a proper, genuine smile, not the sort of fake, lifeless dead-eyed grin we've come to associate with people who work full-time within the video game industry.
Right. That's it. You've had TWO porn updates in a row, now. So tomorrow it's spiral time. More spirals that you can possibly imagine. Spiral curtains. Spiral mugs. Spiral lamps. That's the deal.
PREVIOUS STALKING ACTION
Foreign telly OUTRAGE Corridor spycam EXCLUSIVE Her in hi-res "Crotch-gate"
We're allowed to reproduce these images for free. So we might as well. The only cost involved in putting these on the internet is the cost of our time.
Looking at the ad-revenue figures for January, our time is worth 0.02p per hour.
The ladies are having promotional fun because of We Cheer, a game for Wii. Wii is the hot new games machine that everyone is buying and playing for about 35 minutes before packing it away until next Christmas.
Finally, Wii developers have stopped targeting women and children and started targeting pathetic lonely men unable to effectively communicate with real women.
There were six photographs. Sadly, photograph #5 was just of a Wii and the game box, so we have not reproduced it.
They sent out photo #4 as a montage. They can't have got much usable material from the event.
![[image not found icon]](/pics6/we-cheer-wii-promotional-fun-having-5a.jpg "[image not found icon]")
This is where photo #5 would've gone, had it not been of the box and a Wii. Such a waste. It could've been an additional close-up of the brown-haired one's thighs :(
Congratulations, 505 Games. If this was your aim, it worked. And thanks. Thanks for this, and thanks for releasing Raiden III in PAL territories. We should've thanked you for releasing Raiden III in PAL territories at the time, it was very kind of you to make such an effort to please so few people. Here's a press release in which you can read the thoughts of some cheerleaders.
Looking at the ad-revenue figures for January, our time is worth 0.02p per hour.
The ladies are having promotional fun because of We Cheer, a game for Wii. Wii is the hot new games machine that everyone is buying and playing for about 35 minutes before packing it away until next Christmas.
Finally, Wii developers have stopped targeting women and children and started targeting pathetic lonely men unable to effectively communicate with real women.
There were six photographs. Sadly, photograph #5 was just of a Wii and the game box, so we have not reproduced it.
They sent out photo #4 as a montage. They can't have got much usable material from the event.
![[image not found icon]](/pics6/we-cheer-wii-promotional-fun-having-5.jpg "[image not found icon]")
This is where photo #5 would've gone, had it not been of the box and a Wii. Such a waste. It could've been an additional close-up of the brown-haired one's thighs :(
Congratulations, 505 Games. If this was your aim, it worked. And thanks. Thanks for this, and thanks for releasing Raiden III in PAL territories. We should've thanked you for releasing Raiden III in PAL territories at the time, it was very kind of you to make such an effort to please so few people. Here's a press release in which you can read the thoughts of some cheerleaders.
WE CHEER GOES DOWN A STORM WITH CHEERLEADERS
505 GAMES RECRUITS SHEFFIELD STORM ALL-STAR TEAM FOR WE CHEER
Milton Keynes, 6th February - 505 Games has called in the pros to run an expert eye over the upcoming Namco Bandai cheerleading title, We Cheer available exclusively for Nintendo Wii. Three of the Sheffield Storm All-star Team's finest launched promotional activity for the game last week by wowing press at Nintendo's Wii Flat in anticipation of the 6th February release date. The Storm girls took a break from their recent recruitment drive to take some time getting familiar with the game as well as showing off the title, and their skills, to members of the press and retail.
"We're more than happy to be involved with a game which will hopefully give more publicity to our sport, which is always growing in popularity in this country," commented Coral Head, Storm All-stars founder. "I'm a bit of a gamer myself but this was the first time I'd played a Wii. Now I have no excuses!"
We Cheer allows all future all-star recruits to brush up on their techniques using two Wii remotes as virtual pom-poms to reach the top of their game. Following on-screen commands, players spin, shimmy and shake their way through a choice of 30 high-energy songs spanning over four decades of music. Taking cheering to the next level, the special Workout Mode helps to burn calories as you cheer and dance. Fitness buffs can choose the exercise program they want to take part in before hitting the gym with a specially chosen trainer who encourages them throughout the workout.
"I personally like the fact that the developers have taken the time to choreograph real cheerleader moves," added Coral. "It's a cool way for kids to get a bit of a work out too. We certainly had to throw ourselves about a bit on the harder songs, the lads here didn't seem to mind too much though."
An Australian shop is giving away the SEGA Ultimate Collection LP when you buy the game, should you want to buy the game from an alternate PAL region and get it for free.
You have to live in Australia though. This update is useless.
"Hey, readers may note that the limited edition bit of plastic is only $59 here in Aus. Which probably equates to 13 pence at the moment with the exchange rate" - John.
This one's for the 10 Australian readers we've had as of 10.09am today.
JOHN'S SUPERB STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS "PS"
"Also can you refrain from using the word 'journalist' in association with games. Hunter S. Thompson was a journalist, fear and loathing on the campaign trail was journalism - writing a fucking review of a slightly tweaked version of FIFA year-on-year in your shared shit-hole apartment full of retro games and Simpsons figures whilst wanking yourself into oblivion over episodes of Heroes is not 'journalism'. Sticking feathers up your arse does not make you a chicken."
You have to live in Australia though. This update is useless.
"Hey, readers may note that the limited edition bit of plastic is only $59 here in Aus. Which probably equates to 13 pence at the moment with the exchange rate" - John.
This one's for the 10 Australian readers we've had as of 10.09am today.
JOHN'S SUPERB STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS "PS"
"Also can you refrain from using the word 'journalist' in association with games. Hunter S. Thompson was a journalist, fear and loathing on the campaign trail was journalism - writing a fucking review of a slightly tweaked version of FIFA year-on-year in your shared shit-hole apartment full of retro games and Simpsons figures whilst wanking yourself into oblivion over episodes of Heroes is not 'journalism'. Sticking feathers up your arse does not make you a chicken."
By selling off promotional items to help people what have found lumps on their genitalia.
This one is at $370, but be warned - numerous journalists will be supplementing their meagre incomes by flogging copies they got off SEGA for free in the coming weeks if you want one cheaper.
Sent in by "Retroid" who then also said "Paul" after in brackets, so we're not sure if he'd rather be known as Retroid or Paul. We'll just call him Rupaul. Rupaul said he found in on Eurogamer.
ADDITIONAL SEGA-FAN ACTION FOR TODAY
Lucky still-young Adam Doree got to interview Yuji Naka. Mr Naka said he wished SEGA had risked it all by not giving up on the hardware, and wore an extremely 'fruity' colour-coordinated outfit.
This one is at $370, but be warned - numerous journalists will be supplementing their meagre incomes by flogging copies they got off SEGA for free in the coming weeks if you want one cheaper.
Sent in by "Retroid" who then also said "Paul" after in brackets, so we're not sure if he'd rather be known as Retroid or Paul. We'll just call him Rupaul. Rupaul said he found in on Eurogamer.
ADDITIONAL SEGA-FAN ACTION FOR TODAY
Lucky still-young Adam Doree got to interview Yuji Naka. Mr Naka said he wished SEGA had risked it all by not giving up on the hardware, and wore an extremely 'fruity' colour-coordinated outfit.
Utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, complete, utter, utter, utter, total, utter, utter MISERY.
Editorially speaking, we have refrained from using the word "cunt" on the main page for reasons of decency. But now might be the time to introduce it into common parlance.
Still better than the current output of Three Speech, though.
Editorially speaking, we have refrained from using the word "cunt" on the main page for reasons of decency. But now might be the time to introduce it into common parlance.
Still better than the current output of Three Speech, though.
Electronic Arts, in a staggering display of ineptitude not seen since it decided not to support the Dreamcast, managed to lose $641m in Q3 2008, despite releasing FIFA, Madden, Need for Speed, Spore, Rock Band and more last year.
It's OK. Gemma will be issuing relief in 2009.
From this lot, who neglected to mention that it's the not-supporting-Dreamcast decision at the root of it all.
It's OK. Gemma will be issuing relief in 2009.
From this lot, who neglected to mention that it's the not-supporting-Dreamcast decision at the root of it all.
A man, presumably fully-grown, made some Sonics out of snow because he was too metrosexual to go out in the snow in his expensive trainers yesterday. He may have given away enough information about his whereabouts in these photos for someone to track down where he lives.
He must live in 61 or 63.
"As I can not go to work today I built two Sonic heads to protect me from evil sales people today. Hope you like the pictures and I hope you like my camera" - RyokoSparda.
He used a Panasonic Lumix TZ3, which is a pretty aspirational piece.
He must live in 61 or 63.
"As I can not go to work today I built two Sonic heads to protect me from evil sales people today. Hope you like the pictures and I hope you like my camera" - RyokoSparda.
He used a Panasonic Lumix TZ3, which is a pretty aspirational piece.
Sony's had a new idea. It wants people to generate their own lifestyle photography of how much FUN it is playing PlayStation. Sony no doubt thinks this idea will "go viral" and be a smash.
It's here. You might want to spend a fun afternoon sending in photos of Japanese men in suits sobbing while looking at financial projections and composing redundancy letters.
This one is non-ironically titled "PlayStation PlayaZ 4-EVER". It sums up everything about why we are still FIGHTING and why we will NEVER STOP FIGHTING until the world has been CLEANSED.
A girl, not being very good. Or interested. Very PlayStation.
Achingly lifestyle. PlayStation isn't just for cocks, it's also for bored mums to stare at in mild confusion after a bottle and a half of wine. It's the new Nintendo Wii.
We're thinking of declaring war on all animals and the entire internet next. We wouldn't stand a chance, but would go down fighting, and if we could take down a few hundred smug cats with us it will be worth it.
It's here. You might want to spend a fun afternoon sending in photos of Japanese men in suits sobbing while looking at financial projections and composing redundancy letters.
This one is non-ironically titled "PlayStation PlayaZ 4-EVER". It sums up everything about why we are still FIGHTING and why we will NEVER STOP FIGHTING until the world has been CLEANSED.
A girl, not being very good. Or interested. Very PlayStation.
Achingly lifestyle. PlayStation isn't just for cocks, it's also for bored mums to stare at in mild confusion after a bottle and a half of wine. It's the new Nintendo Wii.
We're thinking of declaring war on all animals and the entire internet next. We wouldn't stand a chance, but would go down fighting, and if we could take down a few hundred smug cats with us it will be worth it.
Reader spotted what appeared to be a Dreamcast being played during "procedural" cop drama CSI.
He didn't say what episode of CSI. Or which CSI franchise it was. This is going to be a very time-consuming quest.
"I was watching CSI on Living last night at about 11:30 and I noticed that at one point the characters were playing a two-player American football game on the Dreamcast. I don't have any pictures or evidence of this, so you'll have to take my word for it. I only emailed you to tell you because your blog has meant that I now look for meaningless Dreamcast related items wherever I am, and I know that you probably get off on reading these sort of emails because it makes you feel really big and powerful and popular" - MM.
OH GOD, WHAT IS THE POINT?
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
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MICRO-BLOG
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW? RECENTLY...
Each post .02% worse than the last. ADVANCE NOTIFICATION OF "CHANGE" LITERALLY 30 PHOTOS FROM A MAN'S "SEGA HONEYMOON" A NASCAR TATTOO THAT TWO MEN THINK LOOKS LIKE DAYT... "EA ANNOUNCES COLLABORATION BETWEEN HOT NEW POP TA... "RICHARD JACQUES STUDIOS CONTINUES TO GO FROM STRE... CODEMASTERS HAS A GO AT 'URBAN' FOR 'FUEL' TRANS-EUROPEAN LARA CROFT STALKING UPDATE NINTENDO WINNING CRITICAL LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY BA... WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO IDIOT TOYS?
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand. |
SHOPS
Use our Play or Amazon Shops to buy those shit Wii games you secretly like, helping the effort. ARCHIVES
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass. |
FAVOURITES
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
1. The Animal Crossing Wild World mega-feature and public-service review
2. Sonic CD - screenshot parade
3. Cream The Rabbit sexual diagrams
4. OutRun2 screenshot-taking guide for the benefit of inept journalists
5. The personal UKR SEGA Toys Homestar planetarium review
6. Trying to buy an Xbox 360 in London
7. (STILL) THE MOST AMAZING PROMOTIONAL PHOTOGRAPH OF ALL TIME
8. A trip to GamesMaster (in Peckham)
COMMUNITY SERVICE
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
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FRIENDS
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near. One Thousand Tiny Things I Hate "LIFESTYLE"
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend. PRIVACY POLICY
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny. |
ACQUAINTANCES
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary. |
A BOX TO PUT EXTRA STUFF IN
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.