UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
50. If we like it it must be good, because we don't usually get excited or carried away about Sega games.

49. It's made by a company that isn't owned by EA yet.

48. The Mission bit is made by some nice, friendly British people who go into web forums and politely answer even the most boring of questions from the biggest of idiots.

47. No members of the UK Garage Scene contributed to the game's audio.

46. It hasn't got an EA Trax soundtrack.

45. It has got a Sega soundtrack.

44. Although Magical Sound Shower is an incredible piece of music, it's Splash Wave that emerges as the real standout track after you've heard it for the 50th time in a row.

43. It also has the "aural sensations" of Richard Jacques who managed to remix Magical Sound Shower and make it better.

42. It comes with the original 1986 Splash Wave and Richard Jacques' Splash Wave Euro Mix.

41. If you're obsessed with Richard Jacques (we're not) you need this game to put in your Richard Jacques cupboard where you keep mint, unopened copies of all the games Rich has ever worked on.

40. It looks THIS GOOD:

39. The powerslide feel is perfect. Just perfect.

38. The scenery is fantastic.

37. Our girlfriend is going to be playing it on Xbox Live, which means there'll be at least one girl playing it on Xbox Live.

36. We'll be playing it on Xbox Live at the same time, so you'll be able to listen to how angry we get as a constant stream of barely literate 40-year-old men ask her if she's really a girl, how big her tits are, has she got a webcam and does she want to have their Messenger ID.

35. We hate Xbox Live and everyone on it. The fact that we're prepared to sail the sea of wankers to play OutRun2 speaks volumes.

34. We've been practising offline for months now, which will make it all the more satisfying when you beat us on your first go.

33. There's no voice-masking feature in Xbox Live OutRun2.

32. It's a bit jerky online sometimes, but that's probably your router's fault.

31. The single-player Mission mode is very big, and rewards you with cars, music, new tracks and Ferrari trivia, while simultaneously teaching you how to race the tracks to an incredibly high standard. It is a work of genius.

30. Edge magazine said "OutRun2's heady caricature of driving is some kind of high-water mark for how much beautifully slick, instantly fluid and, thanks to the excellent use of joypad rumble, gloriously tangible play can be squeezed into five minutes of flamboyant autoerotica" which is a flowery and pretentious way of saying the CENTRAL EDGE BRAIN thinks it's good.

29. Steve Williams only gave it 6/10 in Xbox World, which is good because Steve likes those boring rally and F1 games where you have to slow down for corners and worry about tyres not being the right kind of tyres.

28. OutRun2 doesn't feature the commentary of Mark Blundell calculating how many kilos of fuel you need to get to the end of the race. If it did, Steve probably would've given it at least a seven.

27. Braking before corners actually makes you go round them faster.

26. If you want to experience a world governed by Sega rules like this, BUY IT.

25. Sometimes it looks THIS GOOD:

24. Xbox Gamer said "It's the sequel we've waited a lifetime for" which is great because the people at Xbox Gamer really know what they're on about, especially now the magazine isn't as shit as it was a year ago (when it was, without question, the worst games magazine of all time).

23. GamesMaster gave it 78%, coming to the conclusion that it's "pedestrian and one dimensional" and not as good as Burnout 3. However, all its 13 review screenshots show the same car being driven really badly, so it's safe to say they didn't really get the whole concept of the thing and that score can therefore be ignored.

22. Also, the man who reviewed it for GM also reviewed real-time strategy game Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War and gave that 90%, so it's obviously another case of a freelance PC boffin being handed an arcade game to review and not really knowing which way up to hold the controller or how to play games in real-time.

21. GamesMaster also gave Werewolf: The Legend Begins on mobile phone 80%, which means they think the thing below is 2% better than OutRun2. It clearly isn't.

20. XBM gave it 9/10, and its screenshots show they unlocked the Daytona 2 tracks so definitely know what they're on about.

19. Stuart Campbell likes it, and he doesn't like anything (especially if it's got Aspartame in it).

18. According to copyright-infringing trade magazine MCV, the other Xbox games out this week are Psi-Ops, Obscure, Rocky Legends and seven Club Footballs.

17. Dukes of Hazzard 3 is also out. But that obviously doesn't count.

16. If you've already downloaded it and enjoyed it, it's your duty to buy it. Otherwise Sega will, in the short term, run out of money and have to resort to only making pachinko machines...

15. ...while in the long term, Sega will have to only make EA Sports-branded pachinko machines, while a bunch of untalented Canadians will end up making NiGHTS 2006 for PSP.

14. Seriously. It's OK to download games from Activision and EA and Edios, seeing as they're all evil and soulless and no one cares if they die because they'll be replaced by equally evil, soulless corporations within seconds. But you have to buy something this important from Sega. If you have to ask why you shouldn't be here.

13. Then, that cock from the Sunday Times will look an ever bigger mong when OutRun2 is crowned the biggest selling Xbox game of all-time!

12. It's got the Scud Race and Daytona USA 2 tracks in, which, although they're quite jerky, loads more rubbish than we remember and don't feel right seeing as you're racing around them in the wrong kind of cars, is still quite a cool thing.

11. Sega promised to send us a soundtrack CD. It hasn't arrived yet, but we're sure this is just a simple case of forgetfulness and not a deliberate attempt to renege on a promise.

10. It's fun.

9. It's happy.

8. It's pretty.

7. It has personality.

6. It's got loads to unlock.

5. There are no car "modding" options and you race for fun, not to earn the "respect" of a fictional gangland figure.

4. It works quite well on Xbox Live, unlike Burnout 3 other games we could mention.

3. The moonwalking flag man (see earlier).

2. It's the most Sega-est Sega game since Crazy Taxi.

1. If this game isn't a hit then, well, it's pretty much all over for the games industry as far as we're concerned, because no way do we want to spend every year for the rest of our lives reviewing Need for Speed sequels and city-based crime games.

That's the sort of question that pops up when playing Sega games, where every pixel counts. And guess what? Even the flag man in OutRun2 is great. See him dance and stretch for you. It's like he's still capable of being happy and carefree and is the only person whose life isn't touched by a constant and unbearable sadness.

And away we go! Surely the flag man has outlived his purpose, and will simply stand there as the racers fly off into the distance?

But no! This is Sega! The flag man starts exercising for the benefit of people like us who want to examine every pixel of all Sega games.

Now he starts hopping on his right foot! Can it get better than this?

YES! He's hopping on his LEFT FOOT!

Now he's stretching down to his right. We're not being sarcastic, by the way, we genuinley find this entertaining, amusing and are pleased that this happens. It's these sweet little touches that made Sega great in the first place and we're so happy that even in these miserable, mainstream gaming times, Sega can still get things like this past the focus group. If our hearts were still capable of displaying joy we'd be weeping with happiness.

Now he sort of bends forward...

...then embarks upon a series of star jumps. The flag man STAR JUMPS! How could that prick from The Sunday Times (Daniel Emery -- find him and kill him) only give this game 1/5 when the fucking flag man does fucking star jumps? How much more does a game have to give?

Now, get this -- he MOONWALKS off the screen!

Right off the screen!

Then he moonwalks back into view...

...and ends with a triumphant spin. We imagine he's grabbing his groin. We certainly are. Triple A.
From the OutRun2 manual, revealing that the Lennon AND McCartney of video game music is IN the game! News just CAN'T GET ANY BETTER!

We have been accused of being obsessed with Richard Jacques. This is not true, despite how much we enjoy receiving his "aural sensations".
By guest reporter SW

Sonic Team boss and international grumpy person Yuji Naka has been the first high-level Sega executive to speak out against the studio mergers at Sega Sammy Holdings, complaining of the constant bong-smoking of new stablemates, the UGA team.

“When in the morning, a person must smoke hashish, it becomes a problem,” stated Naka. “Marijuana is one thing, but this ingestion method, the ‘shotgun bowl-bong’ is not helping the development process here.”

Naka made his comments following the unveiling of the team’s first co-operative work with UGA, I Would Die For You for the Nintendo DS. “It’s an embarrassment to us and makes us look like the American hippies of the 1970s. I have always said one thing about games; they should be cute and go really fast. But the hashish makes everything swirly and slow – the opposite of this!”

Contacted for comment today, Amusement Vision head Toshihiro Nagoshi was eager to play down the herbal rift developing at Sega HQ. “Naka-san just has low blood sugar and probably needs some bitter-tasting soy biscuits or something. I have shared my daily allowance of a huge bottle of whisky with him for several years now without any problems, but when he mixes it with the chillums and Silver Leaf pipes in his office, it’s bound to be a disaster.”

Indeed, Naka has been pictured with a very white face of late, stumbling towards the toilet, followed by several smirking UGA staffers chanting “Hey Naka! You calling Satomi on the big porcelain telephone again?” It thought that the constant baiting has been the principal cause of the ever-widening rift at the new studio. One unnamed source told UK:R, “The tricks UGA get up to are astonishing. They stop at nothing to make Sonic Team sick with cannabis. I have seen them loading joints really heavily at the end, and making Sonic Team light them, putting hydroponicly-grown skunk into Sonic Team bongs, but only smoking Jamaican brick weed in their own, the list is endless.”

It is believed that this is only the first stage in the corruption of Sonic Team by UGA, though rumours detailing Mexican mushroom binges, LSD and PCP have yet to be confirmed.
It's a goldmine. A goldmine of shit. A shitmine. A right old shitmine. Imagine the miserable marketing meetings they're having right now. Imagine how poor old Sarah from marketing is trying to come up with a positive angle about Junior Sports Basketball that'll get it reviewed in FHM. We would pity Atari, were we capable of displaying emotion.

OCT 2004

NOV 2004


What female passengers REALLY say: #1

Got any more? Got any proper ones you can get away with because your girlfriend doesn't read the site? Email them and we’ll do a special.

What female passengers REALLY say: #2

What female passengers REALLY say: #3

What female passengers REALLY say: #4

What female passengers REALLY say: #5

What female passengers REALLY say: #6

What female passengers REALLY say: #7

"I'm not a marketing manager, I'm a TV presenter"

Look. It's Dom in a peculiar outfit presenting a show about games. Despite the slimming effect of the fat-man-goatee, eagle-eyed viewers will note Dom's increased bulk signals this is taken from his new show When Games Attack, starting on Bravo this November.

At least he still has his dignity (unlike Andy Crane, last seen looking "gaunt and unwell" on a satellite shopping channel 18 months ago.
IDEA: Rate My 'Rate My' site
CONCEPT: A rating site that invites viewers to rate different rating sites.
WHY NOT: Would require extensive html/Photoshop work.

IDEA: Ronseal Publishing
CONCEPT: Game boxes in a Ronseal "does what it says" style.
WHY NOT: This must've been done before. If not with games, then at least with music -- Ronseal Recordings; "Rubbish garage beat with some idiot teenager rapping over the top"?

IDEA: GNI reviews
CONCEPT: An IGN-style review of something extremely mundane, spread over 14 pages of excruciatingly detailed and long-winded prose. Like IGN. That's the joke.
WHY NOT: We'd have to write the 14 pages.

IDEA: Blatant racism
CONCEPT: We use this photo of some black teenagers on stage at Game Stars, and say that "Dancing Black People" was the show’s most popular exhibit.
WHY NOT: This isn’t the 1930s. Could lead to possible PR nightmare.

We've just seen this. Only slightly more pretentious than a GamesTM feature on how the Commodore 64's function keys were criminally under-used by developers, it's nice to know that, in the global scheme of things, we're actually surprisingly near the 'normal' end of the games-playing spectrum.

Students, eh?


George Bush, doing something stupid because he is stupid.

To celebrate the launch of its pink GBA (BECAUSE IT'S FOR GIRLS), Nintendo took the unusual step of sending out two press releases, both concentrating on hair! shoes! shopping! handbags! sitting at bus stops! and everything else girls do (apart from having headaches).

Pink GBA Press Release #1:

Out with the shoes, bags and earrings and in with the games console! As girls are increasingly embracing the world of gaming, Nintendo has announced the launch of the Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition. Coming to the United Kingdom on 29th October 2004, the stylish new gadget is set to take 'girls and gaming' to a whole new level.

A new breed of 'gadget girl' is emerging, and it is all about style. To mark the rise of this gadget girl, Nintendo has announced that they are launching a dusty pink variation of the legendary Game Boy Advance SP, just for girls.

Already a hit with Kate Moss, Claudia Schiffer and Christina Aguilera, the Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition is small enough to slip into handbags everywhere and offers girls hours of entertainment - wherever they are! On the bus, on the tube, in the hairdressers - girls will be able to play their Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition whenever they need entertaining.

Wow! Finally we have something in common with Christina Aguilera! When we send her really long, rambling, bleeding-heart emails about how we just want to be her friend, we can mention how we've got a GBA too which means she should DEFINITELY meet us for lunch seeing as we've got so much in common we're PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON!

Pink GBA Press Release #2:

The Game Boy Advance SP, adored by A-list celebrities all over the globe, just got the ultimate makeover. The all-new Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition is due to take the style world by storm, available across the UK on 29th October 2004.

The Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition will match your favourite shoes and handbag, and is so stylish it will turn heads wherever you go. And all this packed into something so small and sleek it could pass as a compact mirror! Already seen in the hands of style icons Kate Moss, Claudia Schiffer and Christina Aguilera, it can now make its way into handbags across Britain.

The Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition offers hours of entertainment, always by your side in your hour of need. You need never grow bored in a fitting room queue, hairdressers or at a bus stop again. This handy pocket sized gadget with the flip top and integrated lit screen will alleviate hours of finger twiddling with over 500 games already available.

Remember that in this context "seen in the hands of" means "we posted one to their publicist" and "hours of finger twiddling" probably doesn't mean wanking.

Dita Von Tesse, not holding up without studio lighting

"Hold this while I take a photo, love". She's not even holding it right. And they wonder why we hate women so much.
We went there after one thing. One shot, one specific photograph, one moment of magic -- and got it. Was it a booth babe's pants? An ironic photo of a man taking an ironic photo of men taking photos of girls? No. It was this. We couldn't believe our eyes, and luck, at seeing a wild Retro-Man in his natural habitat.

If you like retro games, this is you. Even if you are thin, this is you on the inside. You will forever be morbidly obese and playing Tron in the minds of women.
Game Stars Live -- where 20,000 school kids are currently finding out that you don't get given "free games" from Sony just for turning up -- is happening now. Here's what's on the UKR stand! Don't forget to pop in to pretend you're our friends for a brief, awkward and painful five-minute chat!

Tune Tune TunerStars
Tune up for the ultimate tuning sim! Tune everything, tune it again, tune that, tune the subsequent settings then tune it all again as part of a well-tuned tuning team to win the (tuneable) TunerStars Tuning Tunionship! Tunes by upcoming garage star MC Tweaker. And girls with chequered flags! (tuneable colours).

Slow Game For Old Men
You play Mythrusrusrusrus, on a quest for the 1,889,999 really well hidden dark swords. Honestly, you'll have to click on every pixel. It'll take a year to do, but that's OK, isn't it? You've got to do something before you die. Xbox exclusive.

STOP! Men of Police Enforcers
You've got a CAR and a GUN. And we made some cities with two buildings you can ACTUALLY GO INSIDE. So off you go. That's a game nowadays, isn’t it? That'll be £45 please, you IDIOTS. "9/10 -- Zany Console Planet"

Some Interactive Thing That's Probably Meant For Pre-school Girls
Just because we don't understand how waving at something (to music) is supposed to be a game doesn't mean it won't sell to 10 million youths.

The Acclaim 2004/5 Line-Up
Thanks to disgruntled ex-employees dumping code on Bittorrent we've just signed Juiced!
"So good it's almost scary" -- Those are the words of actress/model/Newsnight presenter Kelly Brook, on her inclusion in Need For Speed Underground 2. Over to EA's PR-bot:

"Kelly takes on the role of Nikki, a rebellious and full throttled street racer who can really handle herself, looking as good out of the car as she does in it.

"Kelly said of the game "It's amazing to see yourself transformed into a videogame character, EA did a great job making my character Nikki look like I do. I'm very excited to be a part of Need for Speed Underground 2 and I can't believe how realistic videogames have become, the sense of speed and graphics are so good it's almost scary."

This is good news because these are her tits:

We must stop EA buying OUR WOMEN.