50. If we like it it must be good, because we don't usually get excited or carried away about Sega games.
49. It's made by a company that isn't owned by EA yet.
48. The Mission bit is made by some nice, friendly British people who go into web forums and politely answer even the most boring of questions from the biggest of idiots.
47. No members of the UK Garage Scene contributed to the game's audio.
46. It hasn't got an EA Trax soundtrack.
45. It has got a Sega soundtrack.
44. Although Magical Sound Shower is an incredible piece of music, it's Splash Wave that emerges as the real standout track after you've heard it for the 50th time in a row.
43. It also has the "aural sensations" of Richard Jacques who managed to remix Magical Sound Shower and make it better.
42. It comes with the original 1986 Splash Wave and Richard Jacques' Splash Wave Euro Mix.
41. If you're obsessed with Richard Jacques (we're not) you need this game to put in your Richard Jacques cupboard where you keep mint, unopened copies of all the games Rich has ever worked on.
40. It looks THIS GOOD:
39. The powerslide feel is perfect. Just perfect.
38. The scenery is fantastic.
37. Our girlfriend is going to be playing it on Xbox Live, which means there'll be at least one girl playing it on Xbox Live.
36. We'll be playing it on Xbox Live at the same time, so you'll be able to listen to how angry we get as a constant stream of barely literate 40-year-old men ask her if she's really a girl, how big her tits are, has she got a webcam and does she want to have their Messenger ID.
35. We hate Xbox Live and everyone on it. The fact that we're prepared to sail the sea of wankers to play OutRun2 speaks volumes.
34. We've been practising offline for months now, which will make it all the more satisfying when you beat us on your first go.
33. There's no voice-masking feature in Xbox Live OutRun2.
32. It's a bit jerky online sometimes, but that's probably your router's fault.
31. The single-player Mission mode is very big, and rewards you with cars, music, new tracks and Ferrari trivia, while simultaneously teaching you how to race the tracks to an incredibly high standard. It is a work of genius.
30. Edge magazine said "OutRun2's heady caricature of driving is some kind of high-water mark for how much beautifully slick, instantly fluid and, thanks to the excellent use of joypad rumble, gloriously tangible play can be squeezed into five minutes of flamboyant autoerotica" which is a flowery and pretentious way of saying the CENTRAL EDGE BRAIN thinks it's good.
29. Steve Williams only gave it 6/10 in Xbox World, which is good because Steve likes those boring rally and F1 games where you have to slow down for corners and worry about tyres not being the right kind of tyres.
28. OutRun2 doesn't feature the commentary of Mark Blundell calculating how many kilos of fuel you need to get to the end of the race. If it did, Steve probably would've given it at least a seven.
27. Braking before corners actually makes you go round them faster.
26. If you want to experience a world governed by Sega rules like this, BUY IT.
25. Sometimes it looks THIS GOOD:
24. Xbox Gamer said "It's the sequel we've waited a lifetime for" which is great because the people at Xbox Gamer really know what they're on about, especially now the magazine isn't as shit as it was a year ago (when it was, without question, the worst games magazine of all time).
23. GamesMaster gave it 78%, coming to the conclusion that it's "pedestrian and one dimensional" and not as good as Burnout 3. However, all its 13 review screenshots show the same car being driven really badly, so it's safe to say they didn't really get the whole concept of the thing and that score can therefore be ignored.
22. Also, the man who reviewed it for GM also reviewed real-time strategy game Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War and gave that 90%, so it's obviously another case of a freelance PC boffin being handed an arcade game to review and not really knowing which way up to hold the controller or how to play games in real-time.
21. GamesMaster also gave Werewolf: The Legend Begins on mobile phone 80%, which means they think the thing below is 2% better than OutRun2. It clearly isn't.
20. XBM gave it 9/10, and its screenshots show they unlocked the Daytona 2 tracks so definitely know what they're on about.
19. Stuart Campbell likes it, and he doesn't like anything (especially if it's got Aspartame in it).
18. According to copyright-infringing trade magazine MCV, the other Xbox games out this week are Psi-Ops, Obscure, Rocky Legends and seven Club Footballs.
17. Dukes of Hazzard 3 is also out. But that obviously doesn't count.
16. If you've already downloaded it and enjoyed it, it's your duty to buy it. Otherwise Sega will, in the short term, run out of money and have to resort to only making pachinko machines...
15. ...while in the long term, Sega will have to only make EA Sports-branded pachinko machines, while a bunch of untalented Canadians will end up making NiGHTS 2006 for PSP.
14. Seriously. It's OK to download games from Activision and EA and Edios, seeing as they're all evil and soulless and no one cares if they die because they'll be replaced by equally evil, soulless corporations within seconds. But you have to buy something this important from Sega. If you have to ask why you shouldn't be here.
13. Then, that cock from the Sunday Times will look an ever bigger mong when OutRun2 is crowned the biggest selling Xbox game of all-time!
12. It's got the Scud Race and Daytona USA 2 tracks in, which, although they're quite jerky, loads more rubbish than we remember and don't feel right seeing as you're racing around them in the wrong kind of cars, is still quite a cool thing.
11. Sega promised to send us a soundtrack CD. It hasn't arrived yet, but we're sure this is just a simple case of forgetfulness and not a deliberate attempt to renege on a promise.
10. It's fun.
9. It's happy.
8. It's pretty.
7. It has personality.
6. It's got loads to unlock.
5. There are no car "modding" options and you race for fun, not to earn the "respect" of a fictional gangland figure.
4. It works quite well on Xbox Live, unlike
Burnout 3other games we could mention.
3. The moonwalking flag man (see earlier).
2. It's the most Sega-est Sega game since Crazy Taxi.
1. If this game isn't a hit then, well, it's pretty much all over for the games industry as far as we're concerned, because no way do we want to spend every year for the rest of our lives reviewing Need for Speed sequels and city-based crime games.
And away we go! Surely the flag man has outlived his purpose, and will simply stand there as the racers fly off into the distance?
But no! This is Sega! The flag man starts exercising for the benefit of people like us who want to examine every pixel of all Sega games.
Now he starts hopping on his right foot! Can it get better than this?
YES! He's hopping on his LEFT FOOT!
Now he's stretching down to his right. We're not being sarcastic, by the way, we genuinley find this entertaining, amusing and are pleased that this happens. It's these sweet little touches that made Sega great in the first place and we're so happy that even in these miserable, mainstream gaming times, Sega can still get things like this past the focus group. If our hearts were still capable of displaying joy we'd be weeping with happiness.
Now he sort of bends forward...
...then embarks upon a series of star jumps. The flag man STAR JUMPS! How could that prick from The Sunday Times (Daniel Emery -- find him and kill him) only give this game 1/5 when the fucking flag man does fucking star jumps? How much more does a game have to give?
Now, get this -- he MOONWALKS off the screen!
Right off the screen!
Then he moonwalks back into view...
...and ends with a triumphant spin. We imagine he's grabbing his groin. We certainly are. Triple A.
What female passengers REALLY say: #1
UNSPEAKABLY SHIT PHOTOSHOP JOKE OF THE WEEK FOR YOU TO EMAIL ROUND ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS LIKE YOU'RE SOME BIG FUCKING COMEDY GENIUS WHO ALWAYS FINDS EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET FIRST:
Pink GBA Press Release #1:
GO GO GADGET GIRLS
Out with the shoes, bags and earrings and in with the games console! As girls are increasingly embracing the world of gaming, Nintendo has announced the launch of the Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition. Coming to the United Kingdom on 29th October 2004, the stylish new gadget is set to take 'girls and gaming' to a whole new level.
A new breed of 'gadget girl' is emerging, and it is all about style. To mark the rise of this gadget girl, Nintendo has announced that they are launching a dusty pink variation of the legendary Game Boy Advance SP, just for girls.
Already a hit with Kate Moss, Claudia Schiffer and Christina Aguilera, the Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition is small enough to slip into handbags everywhere and offers girls hours of entertainment - wherever they are! On the bus, on the tube, in the hairdressers - girls will be able to play their Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition whenever they need entertaining.
Pink GBA Press Release #2:
PINK IS THE NEW BLACK
The Game Boy Advance SP, adored by A-list celebrities all over the globe, just got the ultimate makeover. The all-new Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition is due to take the style world by storm, available across the UK on 29th October 2004.
The Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition will match your favourite shoes and handbag, and is so stylish it will turn heads wherever you go. And all this packed into something so small and sleek it could pass as a compact mirror! Already seen in the hands of style icons Kate Moss, Claudia Schiffer and Christina Aguilera, it can now make its way into handbags across Britain.
The Game Boy Advance SP Limited Pink Edition offers hours of entertainment, always by your side in your hour of need. You need never grow bored in a fitting room queue, hairdressers or at a bus stop again. This handy pocket sized gadget with the flip top and integrated lit screen will alleviate hours of finger twiddling with over 500 games already available.
Tune Tune TunerStars
Tune up for the ultimate tuning sim! Tune everything, tune it again, tune that, tune the subsequent settings then tune it all again as part of a well-tuned tuning team to win the (tuneable) TunerStars Tuning Tunionship! Tunes by upcoming garage star MC Tweaker. And girls with chequered flags! (tuneable colours).
Slow Game For Old Men
You play Mythrusrusrusrus, on a quest for the 1,889,999 really well hidden dark swords. Honestly, you'll have to click on every pixel. It'll take a year to do, but that's OK, isn't it? You've got to do something before you die. Xbox exclusive.
STOP! Men of Police Enforcers
You've got a CAR and a GUN. And we made some cities with two buildings you can ACTUALLY GO INSIDE. So off you go. That's a game nowadays, isn’t it? That'll be £45 please, you IDIOTS. "9/10 -- Zany Console Planet"
Some Interactive Thing That's Probably Meant For Pre-school Girls
Just because we don't understand how waving at something (to music) is supposed to be a game doesn't mean it won't sell to 10 million youths.
The Acclaim 2004/5 Line-Up
Thanks to disgruntled ex-employees dumping code on Bittorrent we've just signed Juiced!
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW?
Each post .02% worse than the last.
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand.
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass.
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near.
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend.
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny.
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary.
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.