UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
And what has the visionary forward-thinker managed to come up with?



"With Space Invaders Revolution, I wanted the team to take the game back to its roots – whilst at the same time adding features which would appeal to modern gamers. The result is a game which is as fresh as the original, but which will equally well to those too young to remember the arcade game" says Invaders creator Tomohiro Nishikado of his "new" Nintendo DS game. [full release].

You've had 27 years to come up with a new idea, mate. That's like us having an idea for doing a web site about how underrated the Sega Saturn is.

Still, at least it's not set in crime-torn Los Angeles and doesn't come with a hip hop soundtrack.

*ISSUE 76* 06.12.04

Xbox - Gamecube - Dreamcast - Gizmondo - DS - PSP
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Q. How many print journalists does it take to
change a light bulb?

A. Um... dunno. Just rewrite what IGN says.
You can tell exactly what happened here. Some bragging wideboy thought a "Sexiest Gamer" contest would be a great way to get fit, slightly Gothy internet webcam girls to send him photos of themselves kissing Xboxes in bras.

But instead, a bunch of fat/thin tattooed/scabby video game freaks applied to be the "Sexiest" Indie Gamer, most of whom were men who look like they've just got out of jail for cattle rustling.

Imagine the disappointment when this arrives in your inbox instead of Goth honey:

Marker pen tattoo completes SHAME.

Taken from the "Sexiest" Indie Gamer site. The search continues. Probably forever. It backfired quite badly, don't you think?
PlayStation2: Check. Xbox: Check. Gamecube? Check! Crikey, well done Capcom and Nintendo. Dull stats-based PC game? Check...


The current exchange rate for British pounds to American dollars is $1.92 for every pound. Which means the Gizmondo costs the equivalent of $439.68 in your money. That's four Xboxes, and funnier than Friends ever got.

Ah. They’re using the old "stocks are running out" trick. It must be kind of like the new iPod then. We'd better buy one really quickly. Trendy early adopters like ourselves must be snapping them up. *SARCASTIC SMILEY FACE*
Stupid celebs who don't know what a Gizmondo is were told it'd be a good idea to go to its launch party. It wasn't! They looked like desperate ligging fools, gathered together for free sausages on sticks at the stupidest hardware launch since whenever N-Gage came out.

Anyway, they threw a lot of cash at the launch party.

(Gizmondo employees -- if you look closely you can see your money going away from you in several of these shots. This is your "sponsoring Arsenal" moment).

We were going to let Dannii Minogue be our next girlfriend -- not any more! Show some dignity, you stupid lo-carb bitch!

No! You DON'T look cool! Even doing your "cool face" can't save you here, Pharrell. It's a party for GIZMONDO. You'd look cooler if you were pictured buying heroin from a tramp while wearing clothes made out of a carrier bag, you idiot. Next time, say you'll only go to parties if they're for a Sony something.

Yes, it can get any worse. This isn't that Aphex Twin video, it's the weasely coke-fiend out of Jamiroquai.

"You always need a soap star at a great party" says a caption on the Gizmondo web site, beneath this photo of two POP STARS from the band Girls Aloud. Does the Gizmondo ineptitude know NO BOUNDS? Look, we do a better and more informed web site than that FOR FREE. If you ever see us in real life, ask us the names of the girls in Girls Aloud - we know them all. And their surnames. Keeping your cultural references up to date is easy and FREE!

Bottom of barrel: CONFIRMED. Laugh more: Here.

Next time you organise a party that Cheryl Tweedy out of Girls Aloud is going to be at, invite us. That way, we'll spend all night drinking and taking photos of Cheryl from ever-closer distances as our courage rises. Cheryl will then leave at 8:30pm, as all girls do at games industry parties. But then, the next day we'll do a massive update saying how GREAT AND COOL the event/product was/is, and none of the above nastiness need happen. This is the email address to send your party invites to. We will go and do the thing we just said just then.
Anyone who has to be enthusiastic about the launch of third-party console accessories as their main job.

Putting jokes in the ALT TAG field started out as a bit of fun but has now become a massive burden. People using Firefox can't even read them for God's sake. Why do we ALWAYS make things hard for ourselves?

#2: The kind of people who keep things in special cases.

Look, she's smiling like she doesn't mind! This is Natalie Denning at the launch of Playboy: The Mansion, and the reason she doesn't mind is because she's used thick, industrial make-up to paint on a pretend face over her real face, so no one she knows will ever recognise her.

The old I'll-put-my-hands-on-my-knees-to-see-her-saggy-over-inflated-tits-better trick
This man is clearly old enough to know better.

They're never going to impress her taking photos with a phone. They need a proper camera like the one we used. It didn't actually impress her, but we felt more confident knowing we looked a bit like a proper journalist
We love taking ironic photos of people taking photos. Our ambition is to take a photo of someone taking an ironic photo of people taking photos. One day we will, probably at the next games show we're made to go to. You wait.

No, you can't see anything because you were standing too far away
The caption for this photo is "Shouldn't you pikey greasebuckets be serving in McDonalds at this busy lunchtime period instead of taking low-res photos of pretend women from too far away, you WEASELS?"

The real caption for this photo will be provided by 'Dmark' in the UKR forum

The caption for this photo is "We hate the modern world and want to die"
The winner of last week’s quiz is Mr P Hall, who correctly guessed the answer.

The correct answer was: (c) We'd rather hammer our own balls down to a pulp.
The previous post isn't an "ironic defense" of New Games Journalism, it's us saying "New Games Journalism" is a bag of old shite. Just so you know.

Our seven-point manifesto on why it's shit

"New Games Journalism" is a way of writing about games centred around how GREAT the writer is, how long he can write for in one go and how many books he knows about and films he's seen.

It is also a big, stinking, cesspile of used condoms and nonsense. Here's why.

Look, we can write immensely long, self-indulgent pieces of piffle with lots of imaginary conversations in, but that's not what people need. Music journalism is about saying if a record's good or not. Film journalism is about saying whether a film's worth no quid, six quid in a shit cinema, or twelve quid in a good one with a big screen and a further £17 on the DVD next year.

Games journalism is about saying if a game is worth £40 or not. It is not about referencing the works of Jean-Paul Satre when reviewing Need for Speed Underground 2. Doing that makes you look like you're still working on the University newspaper.

If you want to show off how good you are at writing sensitive dialogue, do a book. If you want to bum your favourite blog writer, send him an email. He's almost certainly as frustrated and lonely as you and will therefore embrace the opportunity for a decent (or even sub-standard) bumming.

And if they did, they'd want to get a video of it off Bittorrent, not follow a series of links referring you to congratulatory articles written by the the only three people that are in your special wanking club.

Yes, and you know why? Because if you submitted any of these wanky, self-important puff-pieces to a magazine they'd send you away and tell you to do it again properly, in 13,500 less words, and in a way people can understand what the point of it is without needing a personal knowledge of the writer's hobbies, interests and political leanings.

4. So put it on your blog...

3. Get your university friends to all link to it from their blogs...

2. Have a wank while thinking about how many authors you've just referenced in that 15,000-word review of Kao the Kangaroo 2 no one's ever going to get to the end of...

1. Then shut up and go away.


IGN.COM -- This review of Project: Snowblind is a great example of Old Games Journalism because it shows you screenshots of the game and also tells you about what features it has and talks about if they're any good or not.

GAMESPOT.COM -- This classic piece of Old Games Journalism really succeeds in telling you what this game is worth out of ten.

GAMING-AGE.COM -- This review, a seminal slice of Old Games Journalism, will help you decide whether to buy the game or not, thanks to the way it tells you about its features and comments upon if they're good or not.

SPONG.COM -- This Old Games Journalism news service tells you news about new games without wandering off into 15,000 word imaginary conversations with characters from the Warcraft universe.

EUROGAMER -- Genius Old Games Journalist Kristan Reed really tells us a lot about Half-Life 2 without meandering off into details of his personal life or having imaginary 15,000-word conversations with characters from the game.

UK:RESISTANCE -- Here's a review someone wrote for UKR in 1996. It's Old Games Journalism at its finest in that it says if the game's good or rubbish for a bit before forming an overall conclusion.

WORLD OF STUART -- This man obviously played the game a lot then wrote down the reasons why it was good.

TEAMXBOX -- Team Xbox just uploaded a review of Brothers in Arms in which the reviewer talks about important things, such as if the game's any good, what it looks like and if it's worth playing or not. At no point does he pretend to be a soldier in World War II for 15,000 words. Classic Old Games Journalism.

KIKIZO -- This fantastic example of Old games Journalism has it all -- opinions, words and a score at the end so you can easily see what the writer means without having to wade through 15,000 words of pretentious drivel.

GAMESRADAR -- Sega's Project Rub reviewed in outstanding Old Games Journalism style; short, to the point, coherent, with a score at the end and conspicuously lacking in 15,000-word conversations.


And to celebrate this fact, here's a new batch of screens from the incredibly realistic webmaster/videogamer 'God Sim'.

This happens to us

This is a photograph of Gary at the last Joystick Junkies party. The photographer used a rare kind of Japanese film that also captures the subject's thoughts.

This happens to us

Another busy day for Jon at "The Com".

This happens to us

UKR: The Mansion is available for download on Bittorrent three days before it hits the shops, at an RRP of FOR FREE.
*sigh* Missed ANOTHER sell-out opportunity. Maybe there's still time to suck-up to Sony and get in on the PSP/PS3 cash splurge?

We can laugh about it, but there's no denying we WOULD be substantially better off if we stopped making people with power and big budgets angry

That's blown it. Damn us and our inability to brown-nose purse-wielders.


1. The dotcom boom of 1999.
2. Swearing allegiance to PS2 in 2000.
3. The dotcom mini-resurgence of 2004.
4. Being a maverick independent Japanese game developer in 2005.