We were going to let Dannii Minogue be our next girlfriend -- not any more! Show some dignity, you stupid lo-carb bitch!
No! You DON'T look cool! Even doing your "cool face" can't save you here, Pharrell. It's a party for GIZMONDO. You'd look cooler if you were pictured buying heroin from a tramp while wearing clothes made out of a carrier bag, you idiot. Next time, say you'll only go to parties if they're for a Sony something.
Yes, it can get any worse. This isn't that Aphex Twin video, it's the weasely coke-fiend out of Jamiroquai.
"You always need a soap star at a great party" says a caption on the Gizmondo web site, beneath this photo of two POP STARS from the band Girls Aloud. Does the Gizmondo ineptitude know NO BOUNDS? Look, we do a better and more informed web site than that FOR FREE. If you ever see us in real life, ask us the names of the girls in Girls Aloud - we know them all. And their surnames. Keeping your cultural references up to date is easy and FREE!
Bottom of barrel: CONFIRMED. Laugh more: Here.
This man is clearly old enough to know better.
We love taking ironic photos of people taking photos. Our ambition is to take a photo of someone taking an ironic photo of people taking photos. One day we will, probably at the next games show we're made to go to. You wait.
The caption for this photo is "Shouldn't you pikey greasebuckets be serving in McDonalds at this busy lunchtime period instead of taking low-res photos of pretend women from too far away, you WEASELS?"
NEW GAMES JOURNALISM --
Our seven-point manifesto on why it's shit
"New Games Journalism" is a way of writing about games centred around how GREAT the writer is, how long he can write for in one go and how many books he knows about and films he's seen.
It is also a big, stinking, cesspile of used condoms and nonsense. Here's why.
7. THE WRITER IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON
Look, we can write immensely long, self-indulgent pieces of piffle with lots of imaginary conversations in, but that's not what people need. Music journalism is about saying if a record's good or not. Film journalism is about saying whether a film's worth no quid, six quid in a shit cinema, or twelve quid in a good one with a big screen and a further £17 on the DVD next year.
Games journalism is about saying if a game is worth £40 or not. It is not about referencing the works of Jean-Paul Satre when reviewing Need for Speed Underground 2. Doing that makes you look like you're still working on the University newspaper.
If you want to show off how good you are at writing sensitive dialogue, do a book. If you want to bum your favourite blog writer, send him an email. He's almost certainly as frustrated and lonely as you and will therefore embrace the opportunity for a decent (or even sub-standard) bumming.
6. NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH YOU WANKING OFF YOUR FRIENDS
And if they did, they'd want to get a video of it off Bittorrent, not follow a series of links referring you to congratulatory articles written by the the only three people that are in your special wanking club.
5. INTERNET PUBLISHING IS THE FUTURE
Yes, and you know why? Because if you submitted any of these wanky, self-important puff-pieces to a magazine they'd send you away and tell you to do it again properly, in 13,500 less words, and in a way people can understand what the point of it is without needing a personal knowledge of the writer's hobbies, interests and political leanings.
4. So put it on your blog...
3. Get your university friends to all link to it from their blogs...
2. Have a wank while thinking about how many authors you've just referenced in that 15,000-word review of Kao the Kangaroo 2 no one's ever going to get to the end of...
1. Then shut up and go away.
THE TEN BEST EXAMPLES OF OLD GAMES JOURNALISM
IGN.COM -- This review of Project: Snowblind is a great example of Old Games Journalism because it shows you screenshots of the game and also tells you about what features it has and talks about if they're any good or not.
GAMESPOT.COM -- This classic piece of Old Games Journalism really succeeds in telling you what this game is worth out of ten.
GAMING-AGE.COM -- This review, a seminal slice of Old Games Journalism, will help you decide whether to buy the game or not, thanks to the way it tells you about its features and comments upon if they're good or not.
SPONG.COM -- This Old Games Journalism news service tells you news about new games without wandering off into 15,000 word imaginary conversations with characters from the Warcraft universe.
EUROGAMER -- Genius Old Games Journalist Kristan Reed really tells us a lot about Half-Life 2 without meandering off into details of his personal life or having imaginary 15,000-word conversations with characters from the game.
UK:RESISTANCE -- Here's a review someone wrote for UKR in 1996. It's Old Games Journalism at its finest in that it says if the game's good or rubbish for a bit before forming an overall conclusion.
WORLD OF STUART -- This man obviously played the game a lot then wrote down the reasons why it was good.
TEAMXBOX -- Team Xbox just uploaded a review of Brothers in Arms in which the reviewer talks about important things, such as if the game's any good, what it looks like and if it's worth playing or not. At no point does he pretend to be a soldier in World War II for 15,000 words. Classic Old Games Journalism.
KIKIZO -- This fantastic example of Old games Journalism has it all -- opinions, words and a score at the end so you can easily see what the writer means without having to wade through 15,000 words of pretentious drivel.
GAMESRADAR -- Sega's Project Rub reviewed in outstanding Old Games Journalism style; short, to the point, coherent, with a score at the end and conspicuously lacking in 15,000-word conversations.
OLD GAMES JOURNALISM IS THE FUTURE.
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW?
Each post .02% worse than the last.
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand.
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass.
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near.
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend.
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny.
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary.
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.