UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
We HATE IT when other people are 'funny about games on the internet'. We invented doing that and no one else should be allowed to do it under UK law. Our usual stance is therefore to ignore anyone else that tries to be funny about games on the internet and pretend they don't exist. UNTIL NOW.

This fake Nintendo Wii advert *is* sort of funny. A bit. For something made by other people. That's the most complimentary we're going to get.

As ever, YouTube have removed the video. Because it had some tits in. There's now a direct link to it on the creator's web site.
The SEGA Park in Bournemouth is now a "Leisure Exchange" which is like an arcade, only emptier and worse. A roving reporter took us some photos of the inside and was even kind enough to write some captions for us. We can now take the rest of the day off to stare blankly at a screen and line up our icons, because if the icons aren't lined up properly...

"The place has gone from being a testing site for every single new Sega arcade machine to a large empty room with no people and even less machines... oh, and a big area dedicated to 'gambling'"

"This used to be where it said SEGA PARK in big blue letters. Now it says... well, this. And there's a big silver AMUSEMENTS sign above the door, just in case people are too thick to work out what a Leisure Exchange is. On the plus side though, the Quasar's quite good - nice and big, with loads of good places to hide"

"Sonic's still in the windows despite the place no longer being a proper Sega Park, probably because they're waiting for some chavs to smash them with a brick so they can claim for new Sonic-free glass on the insurance"

"The view from the front door. This place used to be CRAMMED with machines - really interesting ones. Now, there's a huge gap in the middle (like, HUGE) and all the machines have been pushed against the walls. There's a sole pool table at the back, which the chavs use mostly for sitting on"

"The newest machine the place has, besides Virtua Striker 4 and House Of The Dead 4 (both of which we're surprised even appeared in this tired old place) is this WCCF card game. No one ever plays it. But then, there's never anyone in here. To be fair though, having this and OutRun 2 SP is vaguely impressive... it's just a shame all the other machines have been lost in the process"

"These people are playing Virtua Tennis 2. There are two VT2 machines in the arcade, but one's got a shit screen that's all purple and warped. It used to have several sit-down beat-'em-up cabinets (Tekken 4, SVC Chaos, Soul Calibur II) but they're all gone now. In their place is a Sonic Blast Man punching machine. Bleugh"

Had we written this we would've included some sort of narrative structure about the day and probably lied about there being tramps cooking up smack in the toilets. Still, it's not bad for a free update. Thanks!

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They've been reading our nightmares and making them real again:

50 Cent on PSP *sad gangsta smiley face*

For every candle-lit Richard Jacques performance of a SEGA classic, there are ten thousand opposing copies of 50 Cent Bulletproof on PSP. It's how nature keeps things in balance. And there's still no sign of that US Gold Pet Shop Boys game rumoured in 1986 :(
Dave, from Snackspot, met Richard Jacques. Which is JUST NOT FAIR because his stupid web site is about sweets and crisps and what does HE KNOW about Richard Jacques? That's like us meeting the CEO of Nestle and getting him to say something into a microphone about limited edition Kit Kats.

Still, Dave got Richard to say something into a microphone just for us:


In this short 'sound file broadcast' Rich plugs his upcoming show and acknowledges our existence. It's like we're proper and matter.
  • Seen him
  • Heard him

  • Touch him
  • Smell him
  • Labels:

    But no way are we sitting through an hour of Vernon fucking Kaye and editing out all the worst bits to laboriously put on YouTube.


    OK. Just the one. In this between-award segment, a girl sets out to prove that games aren't just for geeks. She does this by going to a room that's full of geeks and talking to lots of geeks, before the INEVITABLE interview with a girl gaming clan.

    This one sums up the nightmare perfectly. The developer's an amazing geek (no disrespect, so are we and our 'target demographic'), the hostess hasn't got a clue and the award presenter admits to not playing games at all. That's why next year there probably won't be a video game BAFTAs. Or if there is, it'll happen in a small room and there won't be any cameras and the trophies will be made out of LEGO.

    In this one, the stupid woman says she's only in it for the money and admits to knowing nothing about games. Poor little Rob from Nintendo does a good job of smiling and pretending it's all going OK though! Well done Rob. Can we have a Wii? We're going to say Animal Crossing Wild World is the best game of 2006 in a couple of months, so we deserve it.

    Then, as you'd expect from an organisation that's just 'discovered' games 25 years too late and think they're new and exciting, they go through the whole "games as art" bullshit we got bored of at about the same time we got bored of mum giving us cheese on toast for lunch every day.

    We can't take any more. It's all up on UK Nova as a Bittorrent to download, but is about as 'worth it' as PlayStation3 and ten copies of Lair.

    When BAFTA, E4, YouTube and the council all gang up to have these clips removed from YouTube, you may download the files from here. We spent hours on this shit, no way is it all going to waste.
  • "My wife forbids it"
  • "Not geeks! (yes geeks)"
  • "I'm just here for the paycheck"
  • "Are games (yawn) art?"
  • Let's just get all of these out of the way in one batch. Then we can move on. To the next batch.

    This is of a Sonic The Hedgehog napkin.

    And just in case the first photo wasn't good enough, the sender sent in an additional second photo. Because the one thing we all really need is a spare photo of some Sonic The Hedgehog napkins.

    This is a fake Sonic badge someone found at a craft fair. SEGA's lawyers need to crack down on this shit, to stop churches funding their roof repairs via illegally produced merchandise.

    Someone's business card. She is called Annie Sega! If you married her, your name would be... oh no, that's not how it works.

    What the sender described as "Sonic boots" but it frankly could be anything.

    Sonic endorsing fireworks.

    A Sonic car.

    Really rubbish SEGA graffiti. "My friend and I saw this on our way home from school the other day. He took the picture on his telephone. I thought it might be evidence of some guerrilla advertising from SEGA! Notice the lack of crotch on sonic and the penis to his right".

    This is a scan of newspaper comic 'Striker' that someone's been sitting on for "four or five" years. It shows a SEGA Saturn advert in the paper the girls are holding. It's amazing what people see and keep.

    And this is an Indesit washing machine manual that features a logo that looks a bit like the Dreamcast swirl. That's all for today.


    Thank god for that. This will save us all an awful lot of trouble.

    Sony warns against grey importing //

    Three cheers for those Brussels bureaucrats!
    Here's a photograph. Can you work out what's SEGA about it? There's definitely something a bit SEGA about it!

    Is it the spires? The car? The blue sky?

    No, it's not this bit.

    It's not this bit.

    Nor is it this bit.

    Or this.

    It's THIS bit! They sort of copied Sonic and blacked him up a bit to make him their tyre-repairing mascot. How well did you do?


    You're so on our wavelength, Sverker.

    It's called 'Spiel Macht Frei' and was recorded by 'Von Aschenbach : Minister of Ideology'. It's a bit like Marilyn Manson and Rammstein, which isn't the sort of thing we usually like to say the least.

    Still, it's also only 35 seconds long so isn't eligible for entry to the singles chart. On the plus side, it's only 35 seconds long.

    You can listen to it if you like [926k MP3]

    And we always thought Richard Jacques would do our theme tune :(
    Words cannot... there's nothing you can... it's not possible to express... you simply can't... no one could ever...

    A man's SEGA pencil

    He was bored enough to send it. We were bored enough to upload it. You're bored enough to be looking at it. The sooner AIDS or North Korea or cancer puts us all out of our miseries the better.


    This is why Wikipedia must be destroyed, or at the very least roughed up a bit so it learns a lesson.

    If you click on it it's readable. Not bearable, mind.
    NOT ONLY has he just paid 639 dollars to pre-order a PlayStation3 and two games BUT HE HAS ALSO attempted to sell it for 8000 dollars on eBay right here.

    Worth it just to play Lair

    As if Sony wasn't ripping us off enough to fund its extinction-level Blu-ray disasterplan, the usual insane pre-ordering system means everyone in the world now wants a PS3 - to sell on to someone a bit lower down the stupid chain. And then use the profit to buy a Wii and the entire Wii launch line-up and some trainers and maybe a new TV if you charge a lot for postage.

    Hot Geek Chat

    It's also not ideal to stick your phone number on the internet, lest people phone you up because some stupid web site said its readers should phone you up and make laughing sounds down the line.

    We are VERY EXCITED about going to Computer Exchange over Christmas and seeing how much the import PS3 in the window is selling for. Last year's Xbox 360 was a ludicrous 325 for a Core Pack, and that was officially available here in the UK. We'll have 1100 quid on Computer Exchange's American import PS3 being 1100 quid - and there being a six-deep line of tracksuit-wearing, hair-gel-soaked morons staring at it in awe.
    It's of Sonic The Hedgehog on stage at a fashion show accompanied by a woman that looks like 80s freakshow entertainer Su Pollard:

    He appears to be wearing a huge prosthetic vagina.

    Inevitably, there's now a clip of it happening on YouTube.


    Here's a link we got sent which is exactly like the kind of link you should be sending us. It's a DS game in which you grope girls with the stylus. Not just for fun, but as part of the actual game. Like they're saying it's OK to do things like this. We hope this hasn't been all over the internet already, only we've been "out of the loop" for a week and are unsure about what's "new" and what's "old" right now.

    At least photos like this never go out of fashion:

    This is the quite coherent and properly spelt comment from the person who mailed it in: "It seems the goal of this game is to examine girls with the touchpen in order to prove if the girl is a witch or not. I'm no expert in witch trials but according to the screenshots working out if someone is a witch seems to mainly involve stripping her off and doing wrong things to her. Also, Japanese witches seem mainly to be school girls. If Trevor wants to do a documentary about videogames being a force for evil, I'd suggest he starts here."

    It would appear a Wii version is also planned, should the DS game successfully expand the rapist game demographic enough to make it financially viable.

    Here's one a man made about how much he loves Amy Rose.

    We're told he "used to be gay" until he "saw the pink one and it made him straight". Although that might all be lies his friends made up to embarrass him on the internet.