UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Call us crazy radicalists, but if we were asked to make a flash game about Sonic for the internet we like to think we could come up with something a little bit more innovative than the world's 1,500,475th tedious Breakout clone.

This is clearly symptomatic of the general malaise surrounding the Sonic franchise.

You can smell the indifference

At least it makes the ring sound when you press something. 6/10.

Love Zorgypoos

Innovative interactive features! Although when we sent ourselves a postcard we just got a broken image. This, once again, is clearly symptomatic of the general malaise surrounding the Sonic franchise.


It was made by one man. SEGA should give the contract to make the next Xbox 360 game to Michael Dobbins. Can't be any worse and he's bound to be cheaper. If you are Michael Dobbins, please can you email us. We would like to interview you.

Sonic Chaos Crush (Breakout).
Overly black emo goth blog Insert Credit managed to beat us in getting a clip of Wii being reviewed on Newsnight's snobbish-but-fun arts Review section. It was good.

Stick to inventing Frankie Goes to Hollywood

It featured arty grown-ups being all coy about actually enjoying playing games, mainly because Wii makes them so easy to play even posh MILFs can manage to work out what's going on. PS3 didn't go down so well and was only mentioned in passing. The tide has turned.

YouTube - BBC Newsnight talks about Wii and PS3
And we thought this was a VERY BAD IDEA, until we read to the bit about it only being plastic poo. That's probably OK and not against any laws. Especially in Spain. Good on you, crazy Europeans. Here's how it works:
Sponsor a Poo and send it (with a personal note) to Sony
By El Alcalde de Tomelloso and Cubitorah

Are we men or mice?

Are you tired of abuse?

Gamerah is, and we have decided to do something about it. We are going to show Sony that in Europe there is no humiliation without response. We are going to show them that we are not an unimportant third-rate market. A pound of flesh.

Delays, higher prices, sloppy translations, harassment of import stores, and, even worse, cheekiness. What does Gamerah say to all this? Gamerah says: NO! And the way we propose to let the evildoers at Sony know is very simple: by sponsoring plastic poos which we will send to Sony's higher echelons in Spain in one or many boxes.

Imagine: you are angry with Sony since the delay, or since they cancelled your order at play-asia, or even since the death of Dreamcast, like some resentful Sega fans in our staff. Anyway: your patience has run out. What can you do? Very simple.

1. Send us an email to Include your nickname and your comment/complaint to Sony (one line). Just one grievance per poo, although you can send as many poos as you like.

2. We will reply to you with a bank account number and an identification number.

3. Transfer 4 euro and include the identification number on the transfer's subject. This way we will know it is you.

4. We will attach your message to one of the fake excrements and put it, along with your nickname, in the box we will send to Sony's Spanish headquarters. Of course, we will also include a petition asking them to forward the poos to their bosses in Japan.

Some examples of what you might write:

Tonio87: For the HDMi cable.
Pacotazo: For killing Lik-Sang.
Pepoto: For having no typographical criteria.

Here is an example of what they will look like. Imagine Phil Harrison's face! Hohoho!

Spanish shit storm

The rubber band is provisional.

Just remember: no direct insults or death threats. Be subtle, as in our examples. We know you can do it.

Gamerah are the people who made the fake Horoshi Yamauchi interview a while back, so they'll probably go through with it as well.


Specifically the photographs of mountains Sony keeps sending out to illustrate Gran Turismo "HD".

Gran Turismo 'HD'

That's definitely just a photograph of a mountain. It's not really impressive that PS3 can display photographs. You can get 1080p photographs off Google, and most phones can display photographs these days.

Sony Picture and Fax Viewer 3.0

Philips CDi could display photographs as backgrounds. So could the MEGA CD. This is not clever.

Adobe Mountain Viewer 7.0 CS Edition

You can see the join.

$600 Picture Book

Sony certainly faces its own 'Everest' in making people believe any of the shit it churns out these days.

Sony expects us to be impressed by Singstar's ability to play back music.
This is instead of a review. You really don't want to read a review and we don't want to have to write it or be the ones to break it to you. Writing a review of Sonic on Xbox 360 would be like writing a letter to a child explaining that their dog has died, and that the reason the dog died is because it was in the car with mummy when it got stuck under a lorry and caught fire.

It's better to just laugh at the silly bits that look like inter-species sex and pretend everything's still all OK:


In the overall scheme of things, Xbox 360 Sonic The Hedgehog ranks beneath Game Gear Sonic Drift 2 and just above Tails' Skypatrol in the list of all-time best Sonic games.

It's... our fault?

It's OK, Sonic, let's not get into the nitty-gritty of who's fault it is now. We'll do that at length over the next three years on various internet forums.


Doesn't this look like sex is about to happen? Xbox 360 Sonic is out today. There are some reviews of it on the internet, but you'd be best off not reading them if you love or even used to like Sonic a bit. Just watch the bizarre end sequence movies and leave it at that.

Deep down nothing is OK any more

This is a pretty one. You can click on it to look at it full size - it's so pretty we went the extra mile with the html and image resizing. If you just look at this one image for a very long time and don't think about anything else you might be able to convince yourself everything really is still OK.
By which we mean some words about it and some YouTube videos we were sent, which hopefully won't get taken down two minutes after we upload them like everything else we link to on the world's most uptight video sharing community.

The reason it's jerking about all over the place is because the game's in a hydraulic cabinet. The cameraman isn't severely disabled. To our knowledge.



By Sega AM2, aka Angels in Heaven

"Firstly, it controls like the original. Which is great as next-gen games that take the original source material and 'make it better' often make it worse. I can't remember if you could speed up or down in the first one, but you can now, and there's a bullet-time style function called 'Climax'."

"When I Climax, everything doesn't slow down, so I don't know why this is. Maybe the Japanese do. Anyway. It plays a lot like the good Starfox games, Panzer Dragoon and the SEGA Star Wars Arcade game that was brilliant, but FASTER. A lot faster. And more chaotic with the amount of violence that comes your way. You basically spend the whole time moving and weaving around in circular paths and occasionally doing barrel rolls (which you can now do by pulling one direction, then another very quickly)."

"Some enemies will shoot one missile at you, some two and others FIVE. When these guys pop up, you have to roll away or you get completely shafted, but you feel it's your fault and not Sega's for being poo at design. Because they aren't... except with that Sega Casino game and Shadow the Hedgehog, which we'll pretend never happened."

"You lock onto enemies, then use bullets which are good for close range death or heat seeking missiles, which do the job better and seem to be infinite in number. If only love was infinite in number. Then we wouldn't have to 'liberate' all those girls coming home on the way back from sixth form college every other Wednesday."

"You can also rack up combos and the bullet-time Climax mode helps you do that. We managed to get around 40 once. The overall level progression structure is like Panzer Dragoon's, where you have multiple branches that weave in and out of the same narrative, and multiple endings. I kept getting the 'you are crap at life' one – Ending C. I'm sorry Afterburner; I'll try harder next time."

"Levels include the classic Oceanic landscape from the original, some canyons, cities at sundown and at night, cloud battles, areas filled with live volcanoes, a desert and an underground base chase where you fly through tunnels, avoid walls and lasers and need to fly slow so you don't die and disappoint the game, which ranks you as you play."

"We started off with a lot of high rankings, but as we were reminded of our inferiority through the crisp visual splendour of the game mocking our lack of talent of ever being able to replicate such godly work, we descended into sadness and forgot how to play the game."

"As for whether this could hit console, I asked the producer of the game who was on-hand to talk about it - which was impressively developed in under a year. Sadly, he said there are "no plans to bring this to console". Of course, that was probably the PR-safe answer he gives everyone, because we know it's coming out Xbox 360 and NOT PlayStation3, because Sega didn't really sign Virtua Fighter 5 to them. It was a spelling mistake."

More movies and impressions here.

When YouTube, SEGA, AM2, the police and the secret shadowy organisation hell-bent on undermining us by having all our YouTube videos deleted as soon as we link to them has these videos deleted (or if you're using a computer the council hands out to poor families for free that can't play YouTube videos), emergency direct-download links to the Afterburner Climax footage are located here:

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    Here's another Wii advertorial, this time from the pages of woman's magazine Glamour. And you thought the DS Lite was a bit effeminate...

    Wii - For girls

    We, er, accidentally bought this while meaning to buy Nuts or Zoo. Or FHM or Maxim or that one about cars.

    Pink pages. Nice touch. That'll draw them in.

    Still, we mustn't complain. If "the girls" want to stay in and play video games while we go out to drink Stella and snort poppers at strip clubs, that's just fine by us. Sounds like a great emerging new world order, in fact.

    We think this panel might be hinting at the fact you can stick it up your fanny.

    Just like any other party, only with a games machine awkwardly tagged onto the bottom. You go, girls.

    Keep checking Glamour magazine for more Wii exclusives!

  • 50 really obvious arguments for car journeys

  • A thing about how celebrities are fat so you feel better

  • Lots of rubbish albums given 5/5

  • How having shoes is better than being thin
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    Ha ha! We've only been joking for the last ten years! Sony rocks! Let's all go and buy PlayStation3s and not even sell them on Ebay the next day! Let's buy 50 just to put in a cupboard! Come on, everybody! The PS3 party queue starts right behind us!


    The Utility Belt: Sony's loss is at least $240 on every PS3, triple Xbox 360's


    And the amazing thing is the reporter managed to find one man who was buying it for his kid, and not just to sell on for profit. The great thing about this, of course, is that no one will buy any games and Sony will just lose loads of money on the hardware everyone's buying to sell on. So carry on, greedy Ebay losers! You're actually doing us a favour.

    We'll just be staying inside and not wasting our money on an over-priced rubbish thing we don't need.

    Just checking his Ebay listing...

    You know they've already spent the profit they think they're going to make by selling the shitbox for twice the price to some loser next week. But what on? Crystal meth?

    This fat fuck thinks he's going to sell his PS3 on Ebay for two grand. Please, America, don't fall for it. Wait until Sony cuts the price or there's at least a game for it you really want instead of a deeply boring one you're pretending to want - i.e. Resistance Fall of Man.

    Make sure you watch the video until the end. He clearly doesn't have a clue about the whole thing.


    The organisers sound worthy enough, but you know it's mainly about getting girls to send in photos. Like these:

    Yes, let's celebrate the diversity of the female gaming community by picking which one is the hottest out of a big online meat catalogue. It's enough to make you almost pity girl gamers... but not quite. They're the ones that sent in their photos after all.

    Browse the meat catalogue here. Hopefully it's all one big sting, and as the girls walk through the doors of the venue there's no floor - just a slippery ramp leading down to a huge mincing machine. We'd certainly buy some girl sausages. Even though some of them look a bit gristly.


    In Osaka, apparently. The writing says that the 23rd of each month is SEGA Day.

    But EVERY day is SEGA day?

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    We never liked Consolevania. Well, we never watched it, actually, as it was suddenly the new funny thing that everyone liked a few years ago, which meant we had to not like it as that's just how we are. We can't go liking and watching a thing that everyone else likes. Also, it didn't load the first time we tried it.

    Anyway, series two of their TV show Videogaiden is now on TV, or a part of the TV called BBC Scotland at least, and you can also watch it on the internet if you live in the right part of the world.

    So here's something about it.

    Like we always thought it would be, Videogaiden is two podgy blokes with regional accents being all blokey about games while wearing cheap costumes.

    Their big thing is a 'Make Shenmue III' campaign. Lots of people emailed us about this suggesting we join in. Sadly, Shenmue is shit and we hope SEGA never makes another one as it would cost too much money and no one would buy it again, just like last time. Also, if we were to do anything about Shenmue III we would have done it five years ago when it was relevant. Consider this a 'contribution' to the debate.

    Anyway, the show's quite watchable even though it's 'A Bit YouTube' in places. And it's nice to see men who know the subject doing stuff about the subject, instead of a cheap version of Kate Thornton reading out the back of the box.

    You can see it on TV if you live in Scotland or have the internet. It's not bad. It might even be funny if you can understand their weird Scottish words and sayings. We didn't laugh at it, but that might be because we're bitter about it not being us on the telly being all wacky and wearing wigs. Or maybe it's supposed to be more about games than funny.

    Whatever. Nothing will replace Dominik Diamond :(
    This is a promotional (ie, paid for by Nintendo) advertorial (ie, an advert pretending to be part of the magazine) in UK magazine Prima.

    What's unusual about this is that Prima isn't a video game magazine, it's a magazine about clothes and shopping and diets and "Ooh! This one's got flowers on it!" aimed at bored housewives.

    Wii - For unrealistic families that don't exist

    Nintendo is saying that Wii is family fun that could stop your wayward 14-year-old daughter huffing lighter fluid and wanking off boys in stolen cars. Before you know it your family will be like a family from a TV sitcom instead of like a family from the news, all thanks to the unifying family force of... Nintendo Wii.

    Time indoors = wanking time

    "Time indoors can be quality time too". It's nice to see a positive spin applied to the world's most anti-social hobby.

    She's called Kerisha

    We've got another girlfriend off MySpace.


    AND WHAT IS THIS?! Has Nintendo granted the Wii Animal Crossing world exclusive first-look to UK woman magazine Prima?!


    The "health benefits of a little light exercise"? Nintendo is trying to make Wii sound like something that will make fat women thin. This could be a genius move. After all, this is how we became lettuce millionaires in the early 1980s.

    Period Pain Special

    Prima - first for Nintendo Wii exclusives. And also for stuff about PMT and hormone replacement therapy and what trousers to wear to the office party.


    And released webwards by world-famous ROM collector. If you're new to all this, you need an emulator like Gens to make it work, and a PC made since 1998. And preferably a joypad of some sort, as Sonic's magic is diminished significantly when 'X' is down and 'D' is right and 'Space' is jump.

    Sonic doing a new thing!

    Now you don't have to pretend to like the Sonic games released since 1995 any more!

    Hidden Palace - News / Sonic 2 early prototype

    OR HERE:
    The site hosting it appears to have died. Allow us to 'help out' by hosting the ROM here.


    And they/it sent us a copy of it, which presumably means we're allowed to review it and they won't go mad if we say it's rubbish.

    Hope we haven't broken Amazon's exclusive

    It's not rubbish, but also not as good as the book we would've written. But no one really wants to publish a million words with no full stops or commas about having anal sex with non-threatening female cartoon characters, so The Triforce would appear to have won this particular battle.

    Bangai-O seemed rubbish for the all-of-five-minutes chance we gave it

    We briefly flicked through it looking for factual inaccuracies to point out, but couldn't find any because what the hell do we know about The Sims or Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy? This was very disappointing.

    And OutRun2 is mentioned

    It's got Animal Crossing: Wild World in it, and OutRun, and Lumines, and Tony Hawk 3, so would appear to be on the right track.

    More shame heaped upon Sonic

    WRONG THINGS: Pro Evo 5 is the slowest and worst Pro Evo of them all, Rez is little more than waving your mouse around your PC screen while listening to some music you downloaded but don't really like, and why isn't Sonic The Hedgehog in it but Jet Set Radio Future is?

    By gamers, for gamers!!

    "THE GAME IS THE STAR" - this line could only come from people that have sat in numerous development and product marketing meetings.

    Try before you buy!!

    "The most fun you can legally have with your clothes on" is a line we would imagine was inserted by the publisher without the authors' knowledge or consent, seeing as it really belongs in a 1985 Zzap! magazine review of Paradroid. They'll probably say it's meant to be ironic. Taking your clothes off also doesn't mean more fun - it means being cold and feeling disgusted with yourself.


    Still, it's nice to have, especially for free, and a rare thing we got sent that won't immediately get listed on the mortgage payment war chest fund (eBay). Thanks. We hope we have stimulated debate and enthusiasm for the project.

    We sent questions via email to all three of the Triforce. David's answers were abrupt and abusive, Simon's cleverly highlighted the flaws in the email interview process, and Ste didn't bother but said he would if we wanted. We said not to bother.


    Because it's not as good as Sonic The Hedgehog

    Because it's not as good as Daytona USA

    Because it's not as good as Streets Of Rage 2

    Because it's not as good as Nights

    Because it's not as good as Phantasy Star Online

    Because it's not as good as Shenmue

    Because it's not as good as a Virtua Fighter of any kind

    Because it's not as good as Pong
    This is how you can play Virtua Tennis 3 on PS3. Dennis Norden would encourage you to file this under 'Totally Needless Innovations That Actually Make Good Things Worse':

    PS3 ruins Virtua Tennis

    So now, instead of pressing a button to make the thing you want to happen happen immediately, you wave the controller to maybe make the thing you want to happen happen, or to perhaps make something else happen that you didn't want to happen at all. Thanks for ruining all our games with your stupid new idea for women and the elderly that everyone's copying, Nintendo!

    It's all Nintendo's fault

    Game-breaking nonsense. As long as there's an option to 'MAKE IT BE LIKE DREAMCAST' it'll probably be OK.
    We got sent this. It's by 'Peter Wilson'. Obviously it's too many words to bother to read and see if it's any good or makes sense not, but we'd be mad not to upload an essay called 'Racism and Shadow The Hedgehog'. So here it is, as we're definitely not mad.

    Racism and Shadow the Hedgehog
    By Peter Wilson

    Shadow the Hedgehog is an action computer game for the Sony PlayStation 2, Microsoft Xbox and Nintendo Gamecube. Despite its apparent targeting at a younger audience, the game undeniably touches on issues of race, often in an unfair way. Shadow is a black character, as are the main villains of the game. While Shadow is essentially the 'hero' of the game, it is not straightforward. Players are given a choice as to whether to be good or evil.

    Unlike his counterpart 'Sonic', Shadow, the main character of the game, is not an archetypal hero. He is portrayed as an 'edgier' character, having suffered amnesia and therefore having difficulties with his own sense of self. Most importantly of all, whereas Sonic is blue, Shadow's fur is that of a distinct black. Whereas Sonic would appear on the covers of his games with a big grin on his face, Shadow appears on the cover art with a definite sneer, most notably holding what appears to be a large gun. In the game itself, when Shadow first acquires his firearm, Sonic utters,
    "I wouldn't be caught dead with one of those."

    Why is this? Because Sonic is not black? Sonic Team, the creator of the game, are definitely making a point here. Firstly, Sonic is implying that it is not in his character to use guns, does this mean it is in a black persons nature to use guns? In all the many, many Sonic games, Sonic has never once used a gun, but in giving the first black character in the Sonic universe their own spin-off game, they immediately pick up a gun and don't even question the morality of its usage.

    Secondly, unlike a normal Sonic game, the player of 'Shadow' is given the choice as to whether or not to play through the game as 'good' or 'evil'. Why is this? Never once while playing as Sonic have we had the chance to be evil. However, once we switch to Shadow, his black counterpart, many of the games' objectives are in fact, to do evil deeds. Is it a mere coincidence that the 'black guy' has the ability to become evil, while the 'white guy' (or in this case blue) does not?

    The bad guys are rather unsubtly named 'The Black Aliens'. Within the story they have come down to Earth and are causing havoc on the world they're invading. If this is not a swipe at immigration laws then I don't know what is. At once the soldiers of Earth (all of them are white) go to war with these black aliens. If a player decides to side with these soldiers these 'black aliens' can be killed. However, to side with the aliens, you are not able to kill the soldiers, merely knock them to the ground; either that or simply destroy lifeless robots. The evidence is clear here, you are allowed to kill 'the blacks', but you aren't allowed to kill 'the whites'. Is the life of a white man really that much more significant than the life of a black man? Were the actions of the 'Black Aliens' to be performed by human they would ultimately considered as 'terrorist', therefore by this rationale every terrorist must be black.

    While all the characters in the Sonic the Hedgehog universe have their own distinct personalities (Sonic being the 'cool' one, Knuckles being the 'brash' one, etc), Shadow on the other hand does not. He is confused and alone; he is essentially a black man in a white man's world. When the 'Black Aliens' come to his Earth, he naturally fears them.

    "Get out of my sight, disgusting black creatures," is just one of the many racist remarks he himself utters, despite the fact that he is black himself. Only when the story progresses and Shadow realises that he may be of the same origin as the black aliens, does he call their wickedness into question. Is this a knock by Sega at the 'average' black man not staying true to his roots in today's white oriented culture? It seems likely.

    At one point in the game you are forced to decide between siding with the 'Black Aliens' or the evil 'Dr. Robotnik'. For those not familiar with the Sonic the Hedgehog universe, Dr. Robotnik is essentially a fascist dictator with aspirations of world domination. Now, while the black aliens are doing 'evil' deeds, Dr. Robotnik has also performed, and continues to perform deeds just as evil. Let us imagine, for argument's sake, that the Black Aliens and Dr. Robotnik are as 'evil' as each other; why so then, is Dr. Robotnik's cause portrayed as the 'hero' option while the side of the 'Black Aliens' portrayed as the 'evil' option? Is it because Dr. Robotnik is white?

    Shadow the Hedgehog? Ban this racist filth.

    Thanks Peter. We particularly like your use of 'inverted commas'. We forgot to ask if you are black or not, although 'Peter Wilson' doesn't sound like a black name so you're probably not. No doubt this will stimulate some heated debate in the Comments field!
    Richard Jacques went 'totally custom' with his t-shirt for his performance at the weekend's Game City event. He's also not the most natural in front of a camera.

    ...ages of sitting down

    More photos from Game City.