Sponsor a Poo and send it (with a personal note) to Sony
By El Alcalde de Tomelloso and Cubitorah
Are we men or mice?
Are you tired of abuse?
Gamerah is, and we have decided to do something about it. We are going to show Sony that in Europe there is no humiliation without response. We are going to show them that we are not an unimportant third-rate market. A pound of flesh.
Delays, higher prices, sloppy translations, harassment of import stores, and, even worse, cheekiness. What does Gamerah say to all this? Gamerah says: NO! And the way we propose to let the evildoers at Sony know is very simple: by sponsoring plastic poos which we will send to Sony's higher echelons in Spain in one or many boxes.
Imagine: you are angry with Sony since the delay, or since they cancelled your order at play-asia, or even since the death of Dreamcast, like some resentful Sega fans in our staff. Anyway: your patience has run out. What can you do? Very simple.
1. Send us an email to email@example.com. Include your nickname and your comment/complaint to Sony (one line). Just one grievance per poo, although you can send as many poos as you like.
2. We will reply to you with a bank account number and an identification number.
3. Transfer 4 euro and include the identification number on the transfer's subject. This way we will know it is you.
4. We will attach your message to one of the fake excrements and put it, along with your nickname, in the box we will send to Sony's Spanish headquarters. Of course, we will also include a petition asking them to forward the poos to their bosses in Japan.
Some examples of what you might write:
Tonio87: For the HDMi cable.
Pacotazo: For killing Lik-Sang.
Pepoto: For having no typographical criteria.
Here is an example of what they will look like. Imagine Phil Harrison's face! Hohoho!
The rubber band is provisional.
Just remember: no direct insults or death threats. Be subtle, as in our examples. We know you can do it.
DR VANGTROS' AFTERBURNER CLIMAX REVIEW
By Sega AM2, aka Angels in Heaven
"Firstly, it controls like the original. Which is great as next-gen games that take the original source material and 'make it better' often make it worse. I can't remember if you could speed up or down in the first one, but you can now, and there's a bullet-time style function called 'Climax'."
"When I Climax, everything doesn't slow down, so I don't know why this is. Maybe the Japanese do. Anyway. It plays a lot like the good Starfox games, Panzer Dragoon and the SEGA Star Wars Arcade game that was brilliant, but FASTER. A lot faster. And more chaotic with the amount of violence that comes your way. You basically spend the whole time moving and weaving around in circular paths and occasionally doing barrel rolls (which you can now do by pulling one direction, then another very quickly)."
"Some enemies will shoot one missile at you, some two and others FIVE. When these guys pop up, you have to roll away or you get completely shafted, but you feel it's your fault and not Sega's for being poo at design. Because they aren't... except with that Sega Casino game and Shadow the Hedgehog, which we'll pretend never happened."
"You lock onto enemies, then use bullets which are good for close range death or heat seeking missiles, which do the job better and seem to be infinite in number. If only love was infinite in number. Then we wouldn't have to 'liberate' all those girls coming home on the way back from sixth form college every other Wednesday."
"You can also rack up combos and the bullet-time Climax mode helps you do that. We managed to get around 40 once. The overall level progression structure is like Panzer Dragoon's, where you have multiple branches that weave in and out of the same narrative, and multiple endings. I kept getting the 'you are crap at life' one – Ending C. I'm sorry Afterburner; I'll try harder next time."
"Levels include the classic Oceanic landscape from the original, some canyons, cities at sundown and at night, cloud battles, areas filled with live volcanoes, a desert and an underground base chase where you fly through tunnels, avoid walls and lasers and need to fly slow so you don't die and disappoint the game, which ranks you as you play."
"We started off with a lot of high rankings, but as we were reminded of our inferiority through the crisp visual splendour of the game mocking our lack of talent of ever being able to replicate such godly work, we descended into sadness and forgot how to play the game."
"As for whether this could hit console, I asked the producer of the game who was on-hand to talk about it - which was impressively developed in under a year. Sadly, he said there are "no plans to bring this to console". Of course, that was probably the PR-safe answer he gives everyone, because we know it's coming out Xbox 360 and NOT PlayStation3, because Sega didn't really sign Virtua Fighter 5 to them. It was a spelling mistake."
When YouTube, SEGA, AM2, the police and the secret shadowy organisation hell-bent on undermining us by having all our YouTube videos deleted as soon as we link to them has these videos deleted (or if you're using a computer the council hands out to poor families for free that can't play YouTube videos), emergency direct-download links to the Afterburner Climax footage are located here:
MOVIE 1 MOVIE 2 MOVIE 3 MOVIE 4 MOVIE 5 MOVIE 6 MOVIE 7 MOVIE 8 MOVIE 9
50 really obvious arguments for car journeys A thing about how celebrities are fat so you feel better Lots of rubbish albums given 5/5 How having shoes is better than being thin
Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)
Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)
Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)
SO HERE'S SIMON'S INTERVIEW:
WHY ISN'T SEGA RALLY IN IT?
Because it's not as good as Sonic The Hedgehog
WHY ISN'T SONIC THE HEDGEHOG IN IT?
Because it's not as good as Daytona USA
WHY ISN'T DAYTONA USA IN IT?
Because it's not as good as Streets Of Rage 2
WHY ISN'T STREETS OF RAGE 2 IN IT?
Because it's not as good as Nights
WHY ISN'T NiGHTS IN IT?
Because it's not as good as Phantasy Star Online
WHY ISN'T PHANTASY STAR ONLINE IN IT?
Because it's not as good as Shenmue
WHY ISN'T SHENMUE IN IT?
Because it's not as good as a Virtua Fighter of any kind
WHY ISN'T A VIRTUA FIGHTER OF ANY KIND IN IT?
Because it's not as good as Pong
Racism and Shadow the Hedgehog
By Peter Wilson
Shadow the Hedgehog is an action computer game for the Sony PlayStation 2, Microsoft Xbox and Nintendo Gamecube. Despite its apparent targeting at a younger audience, the game undeniably touches on issues of race, often in an unfair way. Shadow is a black character, as are the main villains of the game. While Shadow is essentially the 'hero' of the game, it is not straightforward. Players are given a choice as to whether to be good or evil.
Unlike his counterpart 'Sonic', Shadow, the main character of the game, is not an archetypal hero. He is portrayed as an 'edgier' character, having suffered amnesia and therefore having difficulties with his own sense of self. Most importantly of all, whereas Sonic is blue, Shadow's fur is that of a distinct black. Whereas Sonic would appear on the covers of his games with a big grin on his face, Shadow appears on the cover art with a definite sneer, most notably holding what appears to be a large gun. In the game itself, when Shadow first acquires his firearm, Sonic utters,
"I wouldn't be caught dead with one of those."
Why is this? Because Sonic is not black? Sonic Team, the creator of the game, are definitely making a point here. Firstly, Sonic is implying that it is not in his character to use guns, does this mean it is in a black persons nature to use guns? In all the many, many Sonic games, Sonic has never once used a gun, but in giving the first black character in the Sonic universe their own spin-off game, they immediately pick up a gun and don't even question the morality of its usage.
Secondly, unlike a normal Sonic game, the player of 'Shadow' is given the choice as to whether or not to play through the game as 'good' or 'evil'. Why is this? Never once while playing as Sonic have we had the chance to be evil. However, once we switch to Shadow, his black counterpart, many of the games' objectives are in fact, to do evil deeds. Is it a mere coincidence that the 'black guy' has the ability to become evil, while the 'white guy' (or in this case blue) does not?
The bad guys are rather unsubtly named 'The Black Aliens'. Within the story they have come down to Earth and are causing havoc on the world they're invading. If this is not a swipe at immigration laws then I don't know what is. At once the soldiers of Earth (all of them are white) go to war with these black aliens. If a player decides to side with these soldiers these 'black aliens' can be killed. However, to side with the aliens, you are not able to kill the soldiers, merely knock them to the ground; either that or simply destroy lifeless robots. The evidence is clear here, you are allowed to kill 'the blacks', but you aren't allowed to kill 'the whites'. Is the life of a white man really that much more significant than the life of a black man? Were the actions of the 'Black Aliens' to be performed by human they would ultimately considered as 'terrorist', therefore by this rationale every terrorist must be black.
While all the characters in the Sonic the Hedgehog universe have their own distinct personalities (Sonic being the 'cool' one, Knuckles being the 'brash' one, etc), Shadow on the other hand does not. He is confused and alone; he is essentially a black man in a white man's world. When the 'Black Aliens' come to his Earth, he naturally fears them.
"Get out of my sight, disgusting black creatures," is just one of the many racist remarks he himself utters, despite the fact that he is black himself. Only when the story progresses and Shadow realises that he may be of the same origin as the black aliens, does he call their wickedness into question. Is this a knock by Sega at the 'average' black man not staying true to his roots in today's white oriented culture? It seems likely.
At one point in the game you are forced to decide between siding with the 'Black Aliens' or the evil 'Dr. Robotnik'. For those not familiar with the Sonic the Hedgehog universe, Dr. Robotnik is essentially a fascist dictator with aspirations of world domination. Now, while the black aliens are doing 'evil' deeds, Dr. Robotnik has also performed, and continues to perform deeds just as evil. Let us imagine, for argument's sake, that the Black Aliens and Dr. Robotnik are as 'evil' as each other; why so then, is Dr. Robotnik's cause portrayed as the 'hero' option while the side of the 'Black Aliens' portrayed as the 'evil' option? Is it because Dr. Robotnik is white?
Shadow the Hedgehog? Ban this racist filth.
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