We've just been emailed Nintendo's Gamecube line-up for 2005 by a top-secret Big N insider. And what a corker it is too. Hold onto your hats, Nintendo fans!

JANUARY
Mario Baseball -- Mario and his friends get ready for some serious baseball fun!

Mario Party 7 -- Mario and his friends get ready for some serious board game action!

FEBRUARY
Mario Basketball -- Mario and his friends get ready for some serious basketball fun!

Mario Party 8 -- Mario and his friends get ready for more serious board game action!

MARCH
Mario Soccer -- Mario and his friends get ready for some serious soccer fun!

Mario Party 9 -- Mario and his friends get ready for more serious board game action!

APRIL
Mario Wrestling -- Mario and his friends get ready for... oh wait this one got cancelled. Why not check out:

Mario Party 10 -- Mario and his friends get ready for more serious board game action!

MAY
Sorry, we give up... but please buy our next system! It will have all the games you have played before and best of all THEY ALL FEATURE MARIO!

Aaaiiiight! We done got dat game wot got dem cars innit and shit. Is da wickedest cos you is drivin and puttin spoliers on an shit! An best of all, dem people wot is in da game talks like us, innit! Check da pikey gangsta words wot is in da new Need 4 Speed innit!



Dis is da wickedest menu screen innit!



Dis is like wot my nan speaks like innit! Wot da fuk is cabbages go ta do wiv nuffin? Dis game is mad shit innit!



If you ain't don't be gettin dis you is a GAY innit!



Innit!
There's nothing we like reading more than some 42-year-old white Canadian male's interpretation of urban youth culture dialogue, using Ray from 2Unlimited as his only black culture reference point. And shit. How can games get lower than this? Come back in 12 months time for Need for Speed Underground 3 and we'll find out!

Last week, the week ending November 20 2004, OutRun2 was officially more popular than Burnout 3 in the UK. Hooray for slow-building IP awareness. And fuck off Burnout!



Small victories like this are all we have left.

Idle Thumbs asked us for a quote on OutRun2 for their review. We joined in and sent the following and its accompanying image, which they actually went and used. Being friends with other web sites is fun!

"Notice the beautiful symmetry between the player's car and Wolf's, as the two drivers engage in a Kafka-esque battle to avoid the social alienation afforded to the defeated and broken loser. The smoke trails from the tyres are the billowing transparency of the human soul, a soul this game sets free to disseminate and soar high upon the wind and look down on this cacophony of colour from the heavens above. The cones stand by, silently and ominously regarding the action as dread, brave sentries that serve as a symbolic reminder of past glorious and a Byzantine warning of what may threaten the unwary and the complacent. To play OutRun2 is to live and breathe again! To love and be set free by love!"

If you have a web site and want to be friends with us, email in and ask us to do something for you. It doesn't matter if we’ve previously said you're shit or a wanker or something like that, we're much nicer nowadays (clean for ten weeks).

DELETED SCENES
Which reminds us. We wrote loads of these 'arty' OutRun2 reviews a few weeks ago, back when we were manic and really obsessed with it.

These are leftovers from an abandoned "OutRun2 is Art Week" we never got round to doing. It would've been a good week, where we -- hilariously! -- would've reviewed OutRun2 like it was an incredible artwork.

But sometimes even we can have enough of OutRun2.

The windmill. Symbol of industry, its firm shoulders supporting the blades which once fanned the flames of a thousand fallen empires. See how it gazes and smiles, its comforting, eternal presence negating the transient nature of the game experience, simultaneously enthralling and reassuring the player of their part in this glorious history. The windmill speaks not, but sees everything, turning its wings to the blue sky and absorbing all that happens. Should you pass through the windmill's shadow, you shall never be forgotten. Your heart shall never die as long as the mighty wind powers the turbines of this land's heart. Your driving shall be recorded on the millstones that transcend all time and shall be replayed as long as the wind blows. Go! Drive faster, young spirit! Your time here is so brief. So very brief.

The fleeting and precious nature of life is epitomised by the ever-ticking Checkpoint timer. 58! 57! Rush, young thing, for your life is short and before you know it shall be in its autumn years. 56! 55! Quicken your mind and heart, open your eyes and bathe in the light and colour that fills even the darkest winter day. 54! 53! Hurry, my sweet! For your tender arms shall know no other embrace once the time limit on your stay here reaches the zero hour. 52! 51! Drive! Set yourself free and live for every joyous second! Do not pause or rest! Rush fast and see everything at 148 miles an hour! Be fast! Hitch up thy breasts! Depress thy clutch! Force thy pedal to the floor as hard as is humanly possible! Don't let sadness overtake your dreams.

The blood-red car shines, its liquid skin reflecting the sins of its owner. Is this corner the last one you shall take, or does it lead to a warm bath of victory and ever-lasting adulation? Our heart burns, our fingers bleed, our minds full of danger and revenge. To be safe is good enough, but to be dangerous gorges the spirit within! Push the limits! Embrace death, for you shall meet it one way or another, and to crash and burn in a beautiful manner is surely the end you deserve! To kill or be killed? What evil lurks in the mind of your competitor? One shall burn, one shall stand triumphant. History will not record the manner of the fight, only the victor. Ram thy opponent into the embrace of the barriers! Fashion your own destiny! The meek will only be remembered by the cowardly.

This officially marks the end of our obsession with OutRun2.

The site's been getting a bit gay recently what with all the homosexual stalking references. Allow us to redress the balance with a new Employee of the Week. It's a picture of a woman. Because we like women. Not men. Despite the way we cross our legs and pout when sitting down.



This is the sort of thing we like and spend most of our time looking at, NOT the faces of sleeping men.

A late night snack at UK:R HQ has resulted in an event of potentiallly biblical proportions. Whilst preparing several rounds of toast -- one of which was to have been coated with a yeast based extract, a member of staff noted what appeared to be an image of a male face on one partially burnt slice. Further examination revealed the face to be none other than the heralded Sega music producer Richard Jacques! We tried to call Richard to ask him if he is the Second Coming, but his phone kept ringing and going on to answerphone. So we tried again and the same thing happened. Then we tried again but it said the phone was switched off. Why does Richard's phone never work when we call him?

Joytech has cracked it. Here's the simple formula that turns the embarrassment wheel of shame into the sort of aspirational lifestyle product we'd like to wear around our necks on a pretty little chain at society parties:

1. Get steering wheel.
2. Get woman.
3. Tell woman photo shoot is for "lifestyle product" (DON'T MENTION IT'S FOR A STEERING WHEEL).
4. Take photos of woman and steering wheel separately (DON'T LET WOMAN SEE STEERING WHEEL).
5. Combine woman and wheel in Photoshop some days later, creating the impression that woman likes wheel and doesn't mind being photographed alongside wheel.
6. Tell woman the negatives got lost in post and that's why you can't send her any prints.

She's not looking at the wheel. She's not holding the wheel. She thinks this was an advert for Bacardi Breezers. She has been lied to and feels empty. Welcome to our world.

A reader writes; "For a "Pro" Sega site (well it seems that way anyways) you ignore Sega's little game called Pocket Kingdom for the N-Gage".

"Seriously, here is a game that no one has heard of for a system that no one owns... They even speak in 1337 for chrissakes! Doesn't that have plenty of Humour potential for UK:R?"

Yes, it certainly does!

Hot on the heels of the EA Spouse story comes this 100% genuine report from a disgruntled Sega Europe employee.

Speaking to UKR, the Sega worker complained that "one of the lifts is broken, and we're on the fifth floor" -- a damning indictment of Sega Europe's facilities management systems and a massive indignity for the hard-working staff. Legal challenges must surely be imminent.



Sega's UK headquarters -- currently undergoing severe lift problems. Stay here for more internal Sega news as it breaks.

What's Rich doing at the moment?



03:55am -- Richard is sleeping.

If anything could convert us to foot fetishism it's Lovely Kasumi and her fuck me shoes.



Tomorrow: Probably nothing!

This sort of thing used to turn us on, before we became too full of self-pity to get erections any more.



Tomorrow: Kasumi's sexy feet!

***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy about how we played the Dreamcast version of DoA at the weekend and it was almost as good only FOUR YEARS OLDER and the DC was ROBBED and should still be on sale and by now we'd have been promoted to editor of Computec Media's Dreamcast World magazine and on at least £34,000 with an additional £500 to spend on the company credit card each month if things had turned out like they were SUPPOSED TO blah blah blah***



Tomorrow: A screenshot of Kasumi's Xbox knickers!

***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy to go in here, no one will bother reading it ***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy to go in here, no one will bother reading it***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy to go in here, no one will bother reading it***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy to go in here, no one will bother reading it***



Tomorrow: A screenshot of Kasumi's amazing breasts!

Can you believe there's an add-on pack called London and the South East Trains? We always knew PC gamers were old and weird and into fringe activities (trains, planes, the grooming and subsequent murder of nine-year-olds), but simulating south-east London's 1970s rail infrastructure surely marks the nadir of pursuits for men who have opted out and given up hope of ever being perceived as normal by society.

"Your journey can start from Charing Cross, Cannon Street, Blackfriars / Holborn Viaduct (it was a terminus in 1970!) or London Bridge. You'll travel down the South Central line to Norwood Junction, Selhurst and onto East Croydon seeing East Croydon station as it was before it was rebuilt in the 1970s"



If you look closely you can just see our demoralised face reflecting in the window, having just missed the 09:00 to London Bridge and heard the announcement that the 09:07 is delayed by 15 minutes. We are texting work fully aware that this sounds like a lie to cover a hangover sleep-in, while contemplating what difference it would really make to the world if we threw ourselves on the rails (then lay there for 21 minutes) and gave up*.

FROM THE PEOPLE THAT BOUGHT YOU:
German Airports 4
German Railroads V2
Spanish Airports inc Madrid
And many, many more.

*Intended as a joke, not a cry for help. Please don't email in saying how you too consider throwing yourself on the train tracks every day. We already know you do. That's why you're here.

It's fun being obsessed about games again, so much better than automatically hating everything and pretending we're hard. We don't want to lose this feeling! So now OutRun2's out, what upcoming game shall we unreasonably hype up and refuse to accept any negative criticism of?

We've compiled a shortlist of seven potential obsessions -- the one with the most votes gets a ludicrous and obsessive amount of coverage in the run-up to its release.

Vote now!

Obsession Vote!

What game shall we get obsessed about next? Shining Tears Spikeout Battlestreet Starship Troopers (Jacques soundtrack) Sega Rally 2005 Super Monkey Ball DX Project Rub (aka Feel the Magic: XY-XX) Dead or Alive: Ultimate Or suggest your own!

View current results

(PR people: If you'd like us to fix the results of this vote and coordinate your next online viral marketing capaign for a suprisingly modest fee, get in touch).