"PROJECT GAMERZ" (their capital letters and 'Z', we are not that urban) is designed to stop everyone in South London knifing each other in "turf wars" over who gets to stand outside the best off licenses, by getting children to play FIFA in a youth club.

Or that may be Pro Evo. It's kind of hard to tell when you hate and avoid all modern games.




After three days all the controllers will have gone missing. Then the game discs. Then the consoles. Then the arson attacks will begin when someone's arrested for attempting to nick a TV. There's only one answer to today's youth problems - labour camps or a war.

PROJECT GAMERZ

Southwark in South London is the location of a test phase for a scheme organised by The Metropolitan Police's Riverside Safer Neighbourhoods team. PROJECT GAMERZ invites anyone aged between 11 and 18, who live, or attend school, in the Riverside Ward of Rotherhithe, to get involved with their local community through Video Games and eSports. Video Gaming is the fastest growing form of media entertainment in the world, and eSports – electronic sports – is computer and videogames played as a competitive sport.

Riverside Safer Neighbourhoods team feel the scheme is a perfect forum to launch a fresh and innovative social network between young people, neighbourhoods and community centres. Sergeant Rob Evans of the Riverside team said: "The aim of the project is to enable young people to re-connect with their local community in a way that reflects their interests. By creating this social network we hope to encourage responsible participation across the age group, where we can also engage with local youngsters on policing and community issues that can affect them".

The Metropolitan Police have enlisted the help of XLEAGUE.TV, the only broadcast outlet for eSports in the UK, who offer the opportunity to participate or view major sporting events in the virtual world – online and on TV [PULSE, Sky Channel 208]. XLEAGUE.TV have brought together major brands such as Microsoft, EA Sports, Packard Bell to provide games, consoles, equipment and TNWA Group for the technical delivery and event management for the first phase of the scheme.

[The press release then degenerates into an advert for XLEAGUE, so we'll save you that]

As well as all those rubbish photos of SEGA memorabilia, we have also assembled the following news items for other parts of the internet. Including:

This thing which is, on the surface, about boring cross-promotional media deals. But is actually just an excuse to link to an amazing YouTube clip of an Airbus A310 nearly crashing at an air show.

This thing in which we casually, and some might say effortlessly, slip the old agenda onto a Nintendo blog. Just for fun.

This thing about people that needs to done gone gets themselves a-killed. Or at least segregated off from everyone else and chemically castrated.

This thing about a collapse in the meat-based dog industry.

This thing about something to do with the Eee PC that happened somewhere foreign, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

Not exactly inspirational, but at least not so bad we'll try to delete it all without anyone noticing in a few weeks. 5/5.

A PlayStation3. With a DEMO. And the SIXAXIS controller that's about to be made obsolete. And still no HDMI cable so you CAN'T ACTUALLY WATCH Blu-ray films at HD resolution, rendering the entire HD argument obsolete.

But people keep buying it, so Sony keeps shovelling it. Anyone who buys this is heaping shame upon the nation.




In the greasy hands of a small number of idiots for the usual Sony price of £TOOFUCKINGMUCH at the end of March.

Two separate updates from readers who went on holiday to Disney World, rather than our more common reader break of three weeks sex-tourism in Sri Lanka and Thailand. One photo shows an abandoned PS3, the other highlights Disney's immortalisation of Dreamcast in its "1990s" display.

Shame Disney is currently on its knees in front of Sony's Blu-ray division, but still. Some distant future children will know that Dreamcast existed.




"While on a recent trip to Disney World some of the EPCOT staff were recommending 'checking out the awesome PS3 console' they had at Innoventions. I later discovered the said PS3 being ignored, despite the fact they decided to make it more appealing by calling it a Wii. I returned later in the week to find it being played, and watched in pity as a boy struggled to get to grips with Need For Speed. He then offered me the controller to which I laughed a hollow laugh and explained to him the many wrong paths Sony have taken over the years. I didn't really of course, I just said 'No thanks' and walked off - JP Shooter."




"Came across something that warmed my heart when I was exploring the Pop Century Resort at Walt Disney World. Just to quench your curiosity, I practically live there. That's why everything SEGA/Sonic related I find comes from Disney. Anyways, Pop Century, as the name kinda implies, is a resort themed to decades. Events that were going on or items that were popular during a particular decade are used to decorate the wings of the hotel and the exterior of it (EX-Giant Yo-yos for the 50s, popular slang made into signs and stuck on the railings). In the main hall, or check-in area, there are display cases hanging on the wall that hold particular items of interest from the decades represented at the hotel (In this case it's the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80, and 90s). And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a beautiful, brand-new SEGA Dreamcast in the 90s display that certainly brought a tear. It was wonderful to see the Dreamcast shown as part of the 90s display, even if its total time in the 90s was only 3-4 months. Here's a pic to warm you and everyone else. Other items in the display include Pokemon cards, a Gameboy, and... Pocahontas.

"So enjoy and relish, it certainly brought a tear to my eye, and attention to my being. Just because a loves a video game system and company so much, he's escorted by security off property. What a world - supersonic70645."




Again. People. Please. Be brief with your sighting reports. Three short sentences is all anything ever really needs. You're just making it harder on yourselves. Well done on providing an alternate photo without flash, though.

Videos explaining SEGA to children! Voiced by Andy Crane! Detailing SEGA marketing during the Mega Drive era! Explaining it simply so we can understand! With celebrities like Damon Hill! A mention of the 32X! Loads of brilliant old SEGA adverts! Even an advert that says "To be this virtuous takes Virtua Racing" AND a Virtua Racing 32X bus!!

Sorry about all those exclamation marks, but this discovery is very nearly worth it:




Finally, an excuse to use the term "marketing mix" on the site.




Part Two of the film SEGA created to brainwash the children of 1995 and turn them into a generation of adults that would only buy SEGA hardware. Sadly this initiative failed, so it's back to War Men: Aliens Versus Earth :(

FROM THE FINDER'S MOUTH:
"Found two links on YouTube showing how SEGA sold the various items relating to its brand back when they knew how to do it. The voice-over seems to be done by Andy Crane and on part two there's a clip of Right Said Fred singing their number 55 hit 'Wonderman' which isn't exactly the best example of cross-promotion branding (though it would be considered brilliant by their inept marketing department a few years later). Shame they lost this tape when the Dreamcast came out - Peter Bibbings."

It doesn't really matter if it's late for Valentine's Day 2008 or early for Valentine's Day 2009 - the chances of any of us actually being able to use a Shenmue-themed Valentine card are amazingly remote. Another case of SEGA getting it badly wrong during the Dreamcast period.

But here it is anyway, as the only other thing we've got to do an update about today is a photo of a woman on a train that a man said looked like a "fat black Ulala" and photos of Ben's SEGA jacket.




Save it to your desktop. You never know.

Global Sony games boss quits, no doubt due to lack of games on disaster machine and the general nonsense he peddled to cover his arse.




Cyanide capsule in his office, or was Goebbels booted out due to PS3's embarrassing lack of first-party software? Who cares?! The regime is crumbling! Hirai! You're next!

SCE Worldwide Studios President Phil Harrison Resigns

SCE Group CEO Kazuo Hirai Assumes Responsibilities

Tokyo, February 25, 2008 - Sony Computer Entertainment Inc. (SCEI) today announced that Phil Harrison, President of Sony Computer Entertainment Worldwide Studios (SCE WWS), will resign from Sony Computer Entertainment Group as of February 29, 2008. Kazuo Hirai, President and Group CEO of SCEI, will immediately assume responsibilities as president of SCE WWS, in addition to his current duties.

Prior to the launch of the original PlayStation, Phil Harrison joined Sony Electronics Publishing, Ltd. in 1992, which later evolved into Sony computer Entertainment Europe, and since then, he has made a tremendous contribution to the company playing a strategic role in the launch of four PlayStation platforms, as well as building strong relationships with game developers and publishers throughout the world. Since his appointment to the position of president, SCE WWS, Harrison applied his considerable skill, knowledge and expertise to lead SCE Group's first party game development as well as aggressively pursuing the development of new online entertainment experiences.

"As one of the founding members of SCE, Phil played a key role in the development and growth of the PlayStation business and our industry," said Kazuo Hirai. "It is sad to see him departing from SCE, but I wish to express my gratitude for his many invaluable contributions and also wish Phil the very best of luck in his future endeavors."

"The past 15 years at Sony Computer Entertainment has been the defining journey of my life so far," said Phil Harrison. "I am grateful to all the PlayStation family for their incredible support, guidance and friendship. It has been a privilege to serve as part of the team and be inspired by them on a daily basis. I am so proud of everything PlayStation has achieved and will continue to support its future in every way I can."

Labels: WAR ON PS3

Over the years, we've heard talk of "Sega music". It's a local thing in Mauritius. We may have mentioned it before, but probably haven't, as most of the messages we've got about it have been barely legible emails saying things like "I saw a sign saying 'Sega music' while on holiday in Mauritius but didn't have my camera, sorry."

That's all about to change, with this - the definitive update about the "Sega Sound" of Mauritius! This could be the globally significant update that finally stops Wikipedia from deleting every reference to UKR!




FROM THIS PERSON: "Unbelievable! The Sound of Sega is Mauritian. The Mauritian forefathers even had the insight to kill Tails and display his skeleton on the cover of their hallowed tunes."




"This little island plays host to Arthur Murray's dancing studios, where the lucky few learn to move to the right, left, and even in circles."




"These shots were taken mid-Sega Shuffle, and they are as un-blurry as can be expected in the circumstances."




"This grainy recording was obtained through stealth and subterfuge. Blood was spilt, many agents died and others were compromised, but an archive of the Soul Sega song was made. Guard it well. Onward to freedom!"






"Take this information and spread it worldwide, brothers of the resistance. To blue skies! - BULLET HELL DOT COM."




Sadly we can't actually take this information to "the masses," but we can broadcast it to literally dozens of depressed men who haven't got around to deleting their UKR bookmark yet.






If we put that on an orange t-shirt, would you all buy it?




Let's all do the Sega! Come on, it'll be great. Let's all do the Sega today at 9.00pm. Then we can go back to looking at pornography until sleep takes away the pain.




It's only a little bit camp.

Fun for fans of sexually suggestive situations.




And fun for people with female flatmates.

Ninja Gaiden 2's coming out in June. Updates will therefore be sporadic during June, and only about Ninja Gaiden 2. See that red mess? That's what your face will be like if you complain or dare criticise Ninja Gaiden 2.

This is what daily life is like here. Updating UKR with the left hand, updating Idiot Toys with the right, leaving a trail of death and destruction and rotting spinal columns behind.




You know how excited all those retards were about Halo 3? That's how excited we are about NG2. We can tell you now we'll be doing a review and taking AT LEAST 100 screenshots. 200 if Rachel's back in it. 300 if she's playable. 400 if you can control the camera during its replay mode thing.

It's every bit as bad as you might imagine. In fact, it'll stop you being able to imagine anything else for several hours. Although Knuckles is a definite "might," if only to help thaw relations between London and Moscow.




"I've got a video of Sonic cosplay filmed at anime convention "Animatrix" in Moscow. It is in Russian, interlaced, has crappy sound and picture and generally is not much fun. It's up to you to make any sense out of it. Cheers! - Igor"

The Chinese had much higher manufacturing standards in the early-to-mid 1990s, as this quite sensationally detailed SEGA/Sonic/Game Gear Christmas tree decoration shows.




"I got this ages ago and completely forgot I had it. It's a Sonic/Game Gear Christmas tree decoration off of 1995."




"If I was witty I'd probably poke fun at the slogan 'Fun in Hand' but I'm not so I'll leave it you and your readers if this gets posted. Cheers, Brynaldo."




That's just STUNNING! All the GG text has been replicated! And the colours. And the buttons.




Sadly the battery compartment isn't real and doesn't contain ultra-rare fake Chinese SEGA batteries. It's probably for the best - they would trigger a SEGA/battery manic episode and we'd eventually be found 18 months later sleeping rough on the streets of Cardiff.




It is SO BRILLIANT. Brynaldo, we're trying extremely hard to stop buying everything that says SEGA on it - but we'll give you a tenner for it.




You could probably even haggle us up to £15 if you throw in postage and packing. It's seriously awesome. So much better than last week's SEGA tat.

It's Ulala's "special move." Don't be alarmed about the putting of "special moves" into the game - it works very well.




Can you see? The ball has spelled out a "5" in the air to confuse the opponent. This is awesome. And is, incredibly, one of the least-awesome things about SST. Hopefully we will start showing you some even more awesome things about SST over the coming weeks. It is quite possibly the most awesome-packed game of all-time.

We've made it to week 15 without getting warned/told to stop, so can only assume no one's checking up on what we do, or everything's still going OK. Here's how we attempted subversion elsewhere this last week.

This thing which was the now-customary weekly rabble-rousing piece to waste the time/energy of PS3 fans.

This thing about cynical Valentine's Day marketing activities.

This thing about Dixons selling flowers, in what's clearly one of the least thought-through business initiatives in decades.

This thing which - brace yourselves! - is a look at Tails playing Virtua Cop with tennis balls in SEGA Superstars Tennis.

This thing about maybe having to find a new way of downloading porn in the future.

This thing about the staggering Teclast M30 babes, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

Any week which features that sort of thing has to be a 10/10, regardless of the functional banality of everything else. 10/10.

Dear SEGA. How come we have not got one of these? You know we're mad for this kind of shit, especially if it lights up. A SEGA thing that LIGHTS UP! How come we have to hear about it from someone else? That's what hurts the most.




"I just got back from a gaming conference, and everyone's grab bag included this fine SEGA-branded pen. This by itself is clearly exciting enough to notify UKR, but then I discovered the mysterious button on the side of the pen."




"When you press it, the top of the pen lights up and projects a SEGA logo!!!"




"I spent the rest of my day projecting it on various objects and people (pictures included)."




"When it gets dark I fully plan to go outside and attempt using it like the Bat-signal."




"With luck it will summon Yu Suzuki who will bring me a copy of OutRun 3 and a plate of cookies. Or alternatively, it will attract homeless people. Cheers - Colin."

The lucky old Swedes got some crazy SEGA merchandise! A watch that says "There's always time for SEGA," a superb little rucksack, an Alex Kidd t-shirt that could be worn ironically to this very day and something called a "planbok" which looks like it's Swedish for "wallet."

They also used red for "SONIC" - something rather unusual.




"I found a leaflet advertising the products of something called the 'SEGA Shop' while sorting through some storage boxes hidden in the depths of the basement storeroom. Since it's written in Swedish, please feel free to make hackneyed jokes about umlaut diacritics, elks, or Volvos if you choose to publish it. Or maybe you could blame the entire country for David Beckham's missed penalty in Euro 2004 via the sinister influence of Sven-Goran Eriksson. Be creative - Arvid."

They say the spiral is a "Bronze Age symbol from the Dardanian Kingdom which held sway in the 4th century BC" but we all know the TRUE SIGNIFICANCE of this potential Kosovan/Kosovanian/Kosick national flag:




Submitted by a man who calls himself "Grunty". Who'd have thought a man who calls himself Grunty would read The Times?

Labels: DREAMCAST LOGO IN REAL LIFE

Here's something we've been saving for a special occasion (desperately low news period) - a sighting of a deserted PS3 promotional booth at an Irish music festival.

The newspaper clipping below it all shows what we are fighting - blatant lies by journalists unable to analyse the evidence for themselves and form rational opinions based on what ACTUALLY HAPPENED, rather than what the press release SAID WOULD HAPPEN.




"I just came back from the Electric Picnic festival in Co. Laois, Ireland where Sony had a tent pushing the PS3 and all its wares."




"Thought you'd be interested in the photos of all the reps working real hard promoting their games. Don't they look busy?"




"Also, they had a bit of a blurb in the festival newspaper the next day. "Busiest venue on site!" - right, Sony, pull the other one! - Skellator."

Either Ryu hasn't got the internet at home and is actually surprised by what ladies look like down there, or he's just never seen anything on the sheer size and scale of what Chun-Li is hauling around with her.




Click it. What can YOU see? It's probably just a perfectly innocent texture.

Once every two years, regular as clockwork. Here she comes!




Lovely fluid effects. Certainly helps fire the old imagination.

Ages ago, we did this rather harsh update about a trip to the GamesMaster shop in Peckham. To this very day, we still get one or two angry emails a month from someone in Peckham - emails which are pleasingly full of the sort of threats of knife/genital violence you might expect to get from a resident of Peckham.

Well, there is ANOTHER GamesMaster shop! It's a chain! Or a franchise. This one's in Elephant and Castle, which is another bit of London you go through on the bus or train while feeling sad that it exists and some people - often through no fault of their own - have to be there.




"I have been reading your archives with interest of late. One thing that caught my attention was the mention of the GamesMaster shop in Peckham. It isn't the only one. I go to uni right next to the Elephant and Castle roundabout, and as a result have spent more time in the hideously ugly shopping centre nearby than any sane person should. In other words, I've been there. There is a GamesMaster store inside. I have attached pictures as proof."




"Sadly, my hopes of being greeted by a xylophone playing cyclops offering game tips were dashed as soon as I walked in the door. They did have a fair number of Gamecube games in stock, which was kind of nice. There was even a small shelf of games for the first PlayStation being ignored in the corner, with a SEGA collection for PS2 prominently displayed above them."




"No Dreamcast games, however. They appear to have vanished from every single store shelf in London, sadly. By the way, this was in the middle of the day. It's usually much darker inside than it was when the pictures were taken. Even on sunny days, the Elephant and Castle shopping centre feels like the middle of the night. As a bonus, in the market outside, I found these game accessories for sale, in white boxes with a pale blue Wu logo. Fantastic - Rob."

It was a hard week. We fell back on the classic ploy of sneaking anti-Sony statements into nearly everything in a desperate grab for attention. It worked, but we feel ashamed about pretty much all of this lot:

This thing which was last Friday's go at rousing up the rabble for the weekend. It went very well!

This thing which was a bit more rabble rousing, as it's really hard to resist when you have access to such a vast collection of willing rabble.

This thing. More of the same. Just can't help it. They get SO ANGRY!

This thing about a big printer. It's nice being able to introduce your odd technology fetishes to a wider audience. If just one person goes out and spends $280,000 on a really big printer because of this update, it will all have been worth it.

This thing in which we fail to mask our contempt for some "Halo shoes."

This thing about the "sexing up" of Bluetooth headsets, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

Worst week yet. 3/10. Would like to apologise to anyone who inadvertently stumbled across any of this this nonsense via Google. Genuinely feel quite bad about dirtying the internet in this fashion.

These photos arrived. The entire purpose of them seems to be making us sad and angry that we don't have one of the items in question, possibly even triggering a jealous rage. AND IT WORKED :(




FROM AFAR: "Hi UKR. I acquired this item of clothing just to send in photographs of it to you."




"I would wear it on the street, but it's a little small. In fact, this one is probably perfect for your frail boy-body, but I'm going to keep it (I might send it to you once the novelty wears off)."




"Also, there's another whole SEGA tag on the side I forgot to photograph."




"The snaps were taken in average res using a 2MP camera phone W10 something i? Anyway, no one needs a camera with more meganess than that."




"Back in 2001, I stole a camera off of Adam Doree he bought in Japan for £900 and it was only 1.3 mega pixels. I still have it too. Have a great day! - Stefan."

Is it a joke company? We've never quite worked out if it actually exists, is a hoax, viral marketing designed to make something else look better in comparison, or just a Gizmondo-style scam.




The fact that it's using the same old monkey jokes the entire games scene already got bored of in the late-90s makes us think Gamecock's definitely just one big industry lie.

The official SEGA Europe blog - which we don't officially endorse due to them always deleting our comments, even the innocent ones - is asking for YOUR QUESTIONS to put to the Master of Music (in games) Richard Jacques.

They have used a very old promotional photo of Richard looking sad to illustrate the request:




You have until February 10 to get your questions in for Richard to actually read, think about and respond to! You can take up a small amount of his time - time he'll never get back.

SOMEONE'S ANECDOTE ABOUT RICHARD BEING IN A GAME AND AN IDEA FOR SOMETHING WE COULD DO AN UPDATE ABOUT
"Hello UK:R, I have an interesting fact I thought you'd like to know: Richard Jacques is in Smash Bros Brawl. No, not as a playable character, but the song Super Sonic Racing, from Sonic R, features, as composed by none other than Richard Jacques. I thought you might want to know this, as it could make a good update when you're dry. You could do it in this way: make a joke about how Brawl is over-rated and is probably going to be crap. Then you mention how Richard Jacques will probably make you have to buy it, but you will send a letter to Nintendo explaining that Richard is the only reason you bought it, and that he should be given the money from your purchase. You could play with the whole "should I buy it" dilemma thing for a few lines, and probably make a good few sarcastic jokes about various Nintendo characters. You know, your usual. Go ahead and use it, but I won't cry if you don't - Sandy."

And here's a bonus photo from SEGA's awesome Flickr account. This is one of SEGA Europe's meeting rooms! Those youths are taking photos of a PowerPoint slide. That's displaying way too much enthusiasm.

Staggering sensationalism from the BBC, here, as it criticises Nintendo's Brain Training for not recognising the odd squawks and weirdly-shaped vowels of people from parts of the UK the trains don't go to more than once a day.

WARNING: Contains Rory Bremner.




You can't blame Nintendo. Have you ever tried talking to a taxi driver in one of the regions? Full, hilarious transcript on the BBC's site.

Rico Shen, the amateur photographer who bought us the Microsoft-branded ladies a few weeks back, has been harassing girls at game shows again. This time at the Taipei Games Show 2008. Taipei, we have subsequently been informed, is in Taiwan. Not Korea. Although it could be argued [CONTENT DELETED]...





SPOTTED BY: "UK:R's intrepid correspondent in the East, Rico Shen, attended the Taipei Games show earlier in the year. Not much happened other than the unveiling of a coloured PS2 and the goods are nowhere near as spectacular as Rico's earlier offerings."




"But given that you must be really scraping the barrel in terms of updates by just posting a raw Wikipedia dump, you might want to take a look at his latest set.




"This is one of the few usable pics, featuring the most in your face branding of a woman possible."




"That might be worth something. It is live, unscripted holding, quite brave from a developing nation like Taiwan. Lee Jie-Shing on the right must really show a bit more teeth if she's to last in this cut throat industry."




"Please keep my name and email handle out of it if you see any of those images fit for update - Mr XXX X. XXXXXXXX."




Look into her eyes. She's clearly terrified. If you're not used to seeing barely masked terror in the eyes of a lady, trust us. That's what it looks like.




Korean girl band Siren was there. They are clearly struggling a bit if they have been reduced to attending games shows in Taiwan.




Would like to know/read the backstory behind that couple, particularly regarding how they came up with the ideas for their hair.




Taiwanese Hellgate cosplay. Remember this image, you will almost certainly never see Taiwanese Hellgate cosplay ever again.




Yes, I will have a leaflet, please. Thank you. What a lovely leaflet. Very glossy. Nice full colour repro. Are any of you also prostitutes?

What is this? A joke? Some sort of bet about who can "get on" UKR first? The deluded idea of a madman who has burned all his bridges and has literally nowhere else left to turn?




"Some days ago, I was walking around a forest in Madrid, when I saw... THIS. I am sure you know how to us this material. Best regards! - Bor."




No, Bor, we don't. We have literally NO IDEA what to do with a photograph of a Dreamcast controller box someone claims to have found in a forest under a tree. There's no training course for dealing with stuff like this.

Five out of what seems like the 27,000 updates we have lovingly cobbled together for some other bits of the internet over the last week.

This thing which is a textbook piece of rabble-rousing. They fall for it every single time! Wasting the energy of PS3 fans like this is one of the many ways we fight. If one man doesn't go out to the shops to buy a PS3 game because he's busy slagging people off on the internet today, it will have been worth it.

This thing where we did more purposeful rabble-rousing again two days later, to see if they'd fall for it twice in one week. They did!

This thing about experimental teenage dress-up activity.

This thing about adding vibration to Sony's rubbish SIXAXIS controller, because we are contractually obliged to occasionally write something about Sony products. There is nothing in our contract about having to be NICE about them, mind.

This thing about Dr. Kawashima being mental, because we are also obliged to occasionally be nice about Nintendo's "magic wand" machine.

This thing about a serious piece of tech and gaming news, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

Sony slagging. Mild porn. Anger generation. Confusion. Complaints. We can't give any more than this. "Must click through - 11/10."