UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Geek-pandering spazset manufacturer Plantronics has a promotional image archive! Rape it! (then, if you're XBM, use the pictures to do all the same jokes we did a year ago in your magazine). Here are a couple to be getting on with:

This caption is OK, but considering the amount of time we spent staring at it trying to think of one, should've been quite a bit better.

Dear American readers, this is actually a very funny joke so don't bother emailing us saying that we suck.
Mash-up! An anonymous contributor sent us this GENUINE MP3 made from edited highlights of FIFA Street's in-game commentary. Predictably urban, it's as stupid as an ice cream. The voice is that of MC Harvey, the well-known idiot out of So Soild Crew and lots of county courts. Check, as they say, dis, as they say, aht, as they say, me brederen:

Right-click to download FIFA Street commentary samples (2.3Mb MP3).

The last one is obviously a lie. He says "We're keeping it real on the football pitch made of steel" but after the furore surrounding the use of artifical grass surfaces in the English game during 1980s, it's extremely unlikely FIFA would ratify the use of steel pitches. Imbecilic nonsense. If you're a kid and like this kind of thing, please email in and tell us why so we can reply saying you're a wanker. We won't become friends.

We were going to fake a screenshot featuring Wayne Rooney with a Croxteth crack den as his 'stage background' but Google doesn't come up with much when you search for crack dens.

This makes us think really serious things, like why are we still working in the games industry instead of selling burgers to drunk people.

Worst Idea of 2005 Shortlist Entry #1: The Gameulator
And it's only £300.

You'd really think people would've developed some sort of intuition about things like this OBVIOUSLY not working by now. Still, their impending massive financial loss is our easy update.
If you'd like to know more read the entire press release or visit the perhaps-even-worse-than-that web site.

This happens every single day now. It’s getting tiresome the way our news sources are full of the half-arsed observations of lazy cocks who think research is refreshing Amazon. Do you really think the Web Admin Assistant who updates 50-million pages a day at Amazon has a hotline to Sony, Microsft, Valve and Nintendo, or are they, perhaps, just guessing?

The fact that the date just-so-happens to be a Friday, only means Web Admin Assistant Steve knows games come out on Fridays, hence him randomly picking a Friday. Honestly. Some people.

SEGA beats EA!
Look! Some magical old 2D games have knocked the piss-poor Need for Speed Underground 2 off the top of the charts! This will probably result in Sega buying EA and turning all EA’s dull sport/car franchises into colourful arcade dreams! Dreamcast 2 is surely imminent now! Go Sega!

'Yo, dawg, you gonna need mo' credits to race ma boat' said Knuckles, as he put on his 20,000-credit after-market Ex-Phase MKIII Race Shoes
After the hostile buyout, Sega will sack all EA staff and only keep about three of the most profitable franchises alive (which will be phased out over the next 18 months until nothing remains).

Eagle-eyed readers will notice how we've failed to comment upon the UTTER STUPIDITY of UK gamers as illustrated by chart positions four and five, because it kind of ruins our point. With The Simpsons Hit & Run the FOURTH best-selling game of the week after 67 weeks on the chart, the opinions of UK games-buyers are worth slightly less than zero. Still, well done Sega.

What the internet's for
When programmer Ian Ternet first created his global network of computers for the distribution of hi-res photos of actress Kirsten Dunst he could hardly have imagined just how successful his invention would be. Now used for so much more than simply distributing hi-res photos of Kirsten Dunst, the IanTernet PC-to-PC Dunst Link Protocol (commonly shortened to internet) has grown -- and keeps growing! -- to include photos of most Hollywood actresses and several TV stars.

What we're reading at the moment, although we keep losing interest halfway through chapter two.

Games TV shows are rubbish. At least they were in 1985. In a fit of panic over the mass-closing of Bittorrent sites, we hurriedly went to 'God's Video' UKNova to download everything that we haven't already downloaded yet. There was an episode of Micro Direct from 1985, which we wholeheartedly recommend you get. Because this is what happens in it:

A man in an amazing jumper welcomes us all to the future of computing (and the past of clothes, hair and glasses).

'Word processing' is explained by a panel of four guests.

The sad news that the home computer boom is over breaks. This is why we remember the nation mourning briefly in 1985.

A look at the special effects of 'The Last Starfighter', which was done on computers and therefore better than anything else.

A very serious discussion between two grown-ups about the merits of educational software on the Commodore 64.

Lesley Judd demonstrates a portable telephone system the size of a briefcase (while sitting in a Sinclair C5 electric trike). "No cables attached at all!" she says, as we laugh at this shortsighted vision of the future. When WE were in 1985, we could EASILY imagine a future where everyone had credit card-sized personal communication devices -- and we were only 12.

A woman is violently patronised by two men for not knowing enough about computers. She probably cried for days after this. You should download yourself a copy of Micro Direct, it'll make you grateful for Iain Lee.


Top of the pops Christmas 1986 edition, featuring Falco, the Pet Shop Boys, Europe and MORE!

The Hitman and Her! Which we used to video and watch the next day.

The Office US remake, which made us laugh as many times as the UK original (no times).

Hollyoaks (assorted).

Loads of programmmes about Peter Cook.

Come back soon for a "re-watching old episodes of GamesMaster" Bittorrent special!