UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Want to look like a twat?

Unable to tie shoe laces?

Got small feet?

If so, then these are for you:

They seem to be based on that Sonic anime series that initially sounded quite good, but ultimately ended up being complete shite due to the inclusion of that stupid kid and those even stupider robots.

Also, there seems to be lots of random BLOCK CAPITALS in the item description, which leads me to believe that The Swill Man might be the seller.

Ebay auction here
Not bad. Probably would, especially if she let us call her mummy.

Topical update about MILF de jour Tanya Byron

Tanya Byron: 7/10.
This is as good as it gets.


"No luck with an Ulala upskirt yet, but some may find these ones more appealing. I've also provided a zoomed-in version of the final 'money shot'."


The submitter sadly wishes to remain anonymous.


This may lead you to think we took these images. But we didn't. Honestly. It's just one of those coincidences. There's at least one other man out there with access to SST and a desire to see the under-regions of pretend girls.


Sadly, this is from the Wii version. Hence the lack of pant resolution.


Dear Nintendo, please can you ensure your next games machine has enough power to render pretend girls' pants at high resolutions. Best regards, UKR.


The chao on the right seems to be enjoying himself.
The greatest thing about colourful, fantasy SEGA games is always the ceremonial taking of the official UKR screenshots. How we love arranging the pretty colours into fascinating and evocative groupings and shapes!

Here are the ten SST shots we feel most artistically attached to, having spent a good 4-5 hours grabbing the game during a fevered session.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

You're not allowed camera control, so nice shots like this that flash up for a second or two during replays are your only chance to check out the scenery. The flower beautifully frames the composition, here - if only Silver wasn't visible in the background.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

SPECIAL ATTACK! Here's Egg-nik returning a shot - accompanied by four DEADLY electro-bombs!

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

The Jet Set Radio stage is the prettiest. And you can clearly see the outline of that girl's chest on the left there.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

Numerous SEGA things happening all at once! Screenshots like this don't come about thanks to luck, they are carefully staged and arranged.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

This one was a moment of magic and, er, luck. The "Match Point" text flashes across the screen in an instant - we just so happened to capture it in the right position, as Ulala stretched away. Like most great artworks, occasionally there's pure chance involved.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

Stars, the unconditional happiness and love of the little Nightopians and the sinewy backs of Ulala's hot legs.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

This one is entitled "Making Amends." It is about Dr Eggman realising the error of his ways and trying, finally, to do something good, something positive with his life.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

This one is called simply "sega-superstars-tennis-grab-apocalypse-43.jpg."

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

Nice wide shot of the awesome JSR stage.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - Screenshot countdown

And that's what it's all about.
It's that time of year where we interview Sumo Digital! You know the score. We ask stupid questions, they give stupid answers, and the whole thing's just one giant waste of everyone's time. It's an enjoyable tradition we hope to continue.

This interview was conducted before the Jam Master Jacques one, just so you know. Interviewing developers requires approval processes even we are not above/below.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: So is this just VT3 with some new textures on it?

STEVE: Everybody's asked us that. It's a game in its own right. That's an awful question. I refuse to answer it.

UKR: But VT3 was great. It's a complement.

STEVE: It's VT3, but for everybody. We've tried to make it fun. We've added loads of characters that play differently, unlike Virtua Tennis...

TRAVIS (STEPPING IN TO AVERT TROUBLE): VT3 is a fun arcade game, but a lot of people are put off by the way it looks like a sim. It's easy to pick up, but it looks like a simulation, so we tried to make a game that's bright and colourful with loads of SEGA characters in to attract new people.

STEVE: And kids love Sonic. Actually, kids love Shadow. All the focus groups tell us kids love Shadow. It's bizarre.

TRAVIS: And they don't know what OutRun is.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: You asked some kids? And they like Shadow but don't know what OutRun is?

STEVE: We had a focus test. You sit in a room. They bring out loads of character portraits and ask kids which one they prefer, and nine times out of ten it's either Shadow or Dr. Eggman. He's a bad character, he's evil, but it means they can cheat. Like they're Dick Dastardly.

UKR: So where did the idea for SST come from? Did you go to SEGA with it, or did they come to you?

STEVE: It was a mix. When we finished VT3 we were kind of playing around, because we were thinking of maybe doing a Wii version, and while we were testing the Wii controls out we gave everyone a massive big head.

TRAVIS: Everyone loves Big Head Modes! We took Maria Sharapova and bulked her up, but obviously the agents would be like 'Oh, no, no, you can't do that!' - so we started messing about and making it look like crazy tennis.

STEVE: We showed SEGA a prototype, and they said 'Hang on, instead of making stupid characters with big heads, why don't you put Sonic in it?' and we went away and thought 'Well, if we're going to put Sonic in let's do the job properly and get a load of characters together and push it as an all-SEGA game.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: When you recreate a SEGA character, like, say, the Morolians out of Space Channel 5, how does it work? Do you get specs off SEGA, or do you just look at some old games and guess?

TRAVIS: SEGA has been really helpful. When we need stuff, we send them a shopping list and they send most of the stuff straight back.

STEVE: The problem we had with Space Channel 5 is there's not been a recent game, so we had to take most of it from the Dreamcast and update it. So we had to rebuild it, up the number of polygons, made it all shiny and sent it back to SEGA Japan to review. And one of Space Channel 5's original creators was very exacting about it. She looked at it in incredible detail and sent us a list of things we needed to change.

For example, the Morolians are exactly 140 centimetres tall. Exactly! Everywhere in the game. Other things like the design, the way people move and stand, it all gets reviewed. It's quite a difficult process, not only have you got to have the game working and looking right - as it's very animation driven - but you have to make the game play and get it approved as well. Each one of those individually is not so bad, but when you're doing it all together... it's nails.

TRAVIS: We had loads of help from the SEGA Japan teams. They said 'Use the original music, use the original assets', but in some cases they didn't have the originals any more so they will send us design stuff and photos.

STEVE: In some cases, like with the Virtua Cop stuff, what we got was the original arcade code. It was really hard to reference, as it was the actual arcade code only at assembly level.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: The press release says the game has "over 15" characters. Is this a clue that there's more than the 16 spots on the character select screen?

STEVE: Apparently that's marketing speak for 16 characters. You know like when they say you can now get a PS3 for under 300 pounds, and you know you'll get exactly one pence change.

UKR: There's a perfect Mecha Sonic character model beside the court in the Scrap Brain Zone. Can you "be" Mecha Sonic?

STEVE: Being Mecha Sonic is all about state of mind.

UKR: Why isn't Cream The Rabbit in here?

STEVE: She is. She's behind the totem pole on the right of the Green Hill stage. Why do you think there's so many rings over there? Of course due to camera restrictions - and the age rating, we can't have her in view.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: Is there any "secret stuff" to unlock?

STEVE: Of course. I can't tell you about it though - as it then wouldn't be secret.

UKR: Please just tell us. We don't want to spend hours getting all Triple-As in the bloody Puyo Pop Fever zone only for nothing to happen.

STEVE: All the triples As count towards something. If not just the pleasing satisfaction that you've managed to do an in-human achievement.

UKR: And who chose Puyo Pop Fever, anyway?

STEVE: Travis did. We wanted to do Blockbuster from VT:WT on PSP again, but how do you make it more Sega-y? Tada, up pops Puyo!

UKR: Is it to raise "awareness" of the Puyo Pop "brand" before an online re-release? We know all about how marketing works, see.

STEVE: That implies us knowing about it. But we really don't - honest.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: We hear you have Richard Jacques doing some of the music...

STEVE: Oh yes. Richard Jacques has produced the definitive Space Harrier remix. Every other Space Harrier remix - rubbish. Richard Jacques version - absolutely brilliant. Richard's been great. He's done all the original music, the title screen music, all the in-game jingles, quite a lot of spot effects - and he said the start music has been designed in such a way that you can sing to it!

UKR: Is it original stuff or mostly remixes?

STEVE: All the specific stuff for SST is original. Virtua Cop and Space Harrier are remixes. Some of the music was impossible to get, so we got Richard to make something in the right style.

TRAVIS: We used some of the original MD samples. Most kids will listen to it going 'What the hell is this?' but we're going 'Ahh, YES!'.

UKR: Is Richard Jacques in as a secret character? He's quite famous on the SEGA scene!

STEVE: We'd love to. Who did we say we would put in? Can I say?

TRAVIS: No, you can't say!

STEVE: Well, if we did another one, we were thinking about some personalities... maybe Yu Suzuki, Richard Jacques. It'd be awesome. We'd get into trouble, but it'd be awesome. But why do you want to play with Richard Jacques?

UKR: It'd be fun. He'd probably be an amazingly powerful character.

STEVE: Strong right arm!

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: Have you had to change anything to get a "family" rating certificate?

STEVE: Yeah, we had to be very, very careful with the cameras - sometimes the cameras were... too low... we had to go through the game looking for that kind of stuff and making sure there wasn't any of it. The beach girls on the OutRun court - we had to make sure they were sufficiently covered. The artists basically came up with about 15 different bikini designs! I'm not sure why they spent so much time on them...

There are obvious things too, like the zombies don't bite you, they kiss you in House of the Dead, and the blood's never red. You have to be really careful. Oh, and in Jet Set Radio, there was a billboard at the side of the court and it had the outline of a woman, and because it was an outline she could've been naked! We were worried it could be like a 'hot coffee' scandal, so we put some clothes on her - even though it was in the original game.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: Why is there no lob button? Surely just pressing "Y" is easier than pressing X then A?

STEVE: There's no lob button on the VT3 arcade machine and people seem to manage!

We figured that unless you were seriously into Tennis, you'd have no clue what a slice or topspin shot were. So we decided to go with a simple two button system and make it clear that one gives you a fast shot, and one a slow shot. If you shift from one to the other you can do a lob, or a drop shot. Drop shots are much easier to do in SST than VT3 for sure.

UKR: Is that something that came from a "focus group" to make it simple for Wii owners?

STEVE: Nope, we just looked at all the stories at how people force their gran to injure themselves playing Wii Sports Bowling and wanted a bit of that pie.

So we've got control options in there that range from 'Crap at games' to 'Show off' to 'Hates motion controls and bought the wrong console'.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: What else did "the kids" in the focus group say about SEGA?

STEVE: They all recognise all the Sonic characters, but not one of them knew who Alex Kidd was. The government should stop with all this nonsense about panicking games brainwash kids into being mindless killing machines, and add Sega history as part of the national curriculum.

UKR: Did any of them recognise Ulala?

STEVE: One did. Apparently her dad was obsessed with Space Channel 5. We never knew you had kids. Oddly enough we got asked if we'd look after the 3 UK:R illegitimate children by a Belgian journalist. I suspect he wants them off his hands?

UKR: The OutRun games are now working on Xbox 360 with backwards compatibility. But not very well.

STEVE: No they're not, are they? It would be great if somebody asked us to do an Xbox Live Arcade version. Wouldn't that be great? If only someone would ask us...

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: Why isn't Rez in here?

STEVE: If you leave the game running on 360 for long enough - it eventually will start to look like Rez. It helps if you wrap a towel around the machine and stand it on top of a radiator too.

UKR: Why isn't Crazy Taxi in here?

STEVE: Obviously the whole theme is crazy. We were worried that having 'Crazy Crazy Taxi' on the back of the box might be pushing it a little too much though.

UKR: The DS version seems to have a much more faithful Space Harrier stage, whereas the 360 and PS3 Space Harrier bit looks like a tweaked Sonic stage. This is more of an observation than a question. You don't have to say anything.

STEVE: We didn't feel the hardware of the 360 and PS3 could manage the detail on the checkerboard ground at a smooth enough framerate.

The DS though has a dedicated Space Harrier co-processor built into the cartridge. It took many of the finest scientific minds for us to reach the point where you could make the Harrier rendering technology portable.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: We're about to send Richard Jacques some questions for an interview. Any suggestions about what to ask him?

STEVE: I think you should ask him to make a UK:Resistance corporate song. An anthem to draw all Sega fans together under one glorious blue sky flag. Once you've got that, and an army of fans to command at will, it'll likely be much easier to rabble rouse.

UKR: What's he like?

STEVE: Exceptionally cheerful.

UKR: No, what's he REALLY like?

STEVE: Giddy as a school kid on a sugar rush, charming as a debonair gentleman cad and truly creative genius.

UKR: Did he make any diva-like demands?

STEVE: We weren't to mention Sonic R in any interview with UK:R. So we're definitely not mentioning it, or the fact he did all the music for it. I don't want to fall out with Rich.

SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

UKR: Finally, can you say something controversial about PS3 being hard to develop for, so we can get loads of traffic off Digg?

STEVE: We weren't quite prepared for all the blood sacrifices required - not to mention the liberal use of snake oil - to get the PS3 dev kits booted up. I'm sure the demand to use druidic runes rather than plain old C++ was something of an oversight on Sony's part too.

UKR: Thanks!

STEVE: No problem. The title screen's blue sky, by the way. That's the only UKR reference we could sneak in.

And Can you please tell Adam Doree to stop spreading OutRun3 rumours too? It's getting me into all kinds of trouble.

UKR: That's him told. Hear that, Adam? Sumo hates you.

  • One about OutRun2006 C2C
  • One about Virtua Tennis 3
  • Sony Europe have SENSATIONALLY managed to miss the release date for Gran Turismo 5: Prologue (making the Threespeech countdown look rather laughable) That's some going considering they simply have to copy a file to a server. But even when it does come online expect to see Sony's appalling PSN service grind to a stupifying halt, not just with people trying to download the glorified demo (and paying twenty five fucking pounds for the privilege) but with the unfortunate buyers of the disc version finding that, even after installing a ridiculous 6gb of data on their paltry 40gb hard drives, they are then asked to go online and download another gigs worth of patch data! Digital distribution is the future!

    Nearly as annoying as the tyre screech sound
    It was a short week. Technically only three working days. So there was less to choose from. More excuses for lack of quality available via email.
  • This thing about never going to Indonesia.

  • This thing about Facebook which also includes some basic relationship advice.

  • This thing about PS3 still sucking.

  • This thing about "space plane" developments, which we are keeping a close eye on just in case lots of people die and we end up with a spare £100k in the bank.

  • This thing about the Canon Ixus 960, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Canon Fashion Week - not a roaring success

    Better or worse than 20 updates about tennis?
    After all the rubbish about loading screens and Flag Man, it's only fair we cobble together something akin to a more traditional "review" of SEGA Superstars Tennis to avoid confusion over our "editorial stance." Obviously we're going to like it and give it 10/10 due to the unstoppable combination of Ulala, Jet Set Radio and Richard Jacques.

    But what do we like most about it and how are we going to justify giving it 10/10 when other media outlets, like, say Games-fucking-Master magazine, have given it scores starting with 7? Read on.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    REVIEW INTRO: Finally. It has happened to us. We are, for once, in the parallel universe where it's SEGA fans that get all the crazy cool shit.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    It's usually Nintendo that does this sort of thing. It's always Mario and Peach and whatever that dinosaur fuck is called starring in these sorts of crazy mash-ups, with the internet full of happy Nintendo fans digging out and jizzing over every minor franchise reference.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW


    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    SCENE SETTING: You ARE Ulala. You ARE playing against Sonic The Hedgehog while the music from Samba De Amigo plays in the background. No wonder Nintendo fans never tire of seeing their favourite characters whored out time and time again - it's awesome.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Each time you fire off a special move, it's like the SEGA of 1999 reaching out of the TV and giving you a sexual massage.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Do a special while playing as Beat out of Jet Set Radio and the cops from JSR stomp over the enemy. Ulala changes outfits and Morolians pop up on your opponent's court to get in their way. Monkey Ball specials chuck balls in the way. It's glorious SEGA-referencing joy.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    The best thing about SEGA Superstars Tennis is the way it makes Dreamcast look like it was the most successful games console of all-time. Chu Chu Rocket's in, Jet Set Radio's in and Space Channel 5 is represented by TWO playable characters, as if SC5 was one of the biggest games ever - rather than one of history's saddest and most spectacular flops.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    CRITICAL COMMENT: We were concerned about the addition of "special moves," but it has pretty much turned out OK. You might not want to set them off, though, as they create confusion for both players and you often end up losing track of what's happening amidst all the madness. Apart from that, fine.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    The core TENNIS ACTION is largely the same as it was in Virtua Tennis 3. It's occasionally slower and occasionally faster, with characters that vary more in both speed and skill.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    NiGHTS talks with a girl's voice like in the Wii sequel. It was definitely better in the old days when everyone thought NiGHTS was a hermaphrodite or pre-op transsexual who's done a great job of taping his penis and testicles up out of view.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    It's easier to do drop shots now there's a specific button combination for them, which works better than VT3's press down on the d-pad and hope system. But there's no specific lob button any more. So children and grandparents (Wii version) won't get confused by having more than two buttons to cope with.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Also, the tie-break has been included, so tight matches end in a proper tense fashion. Unlike VT3's arcade-friendly first-past-the-post system.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Another improvement over VT3 is with the "diving" of characters. People who didn't know how to play Virtua Tennis 3 moaned that their characters constantly "dived" everywhere.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    They dived because you were trying to hit a tennis ball while standing 15 feet away from it, you idiots.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    That's been calmed down quite a bit. There's not so much diving. There's hardly any at all, in fact, and the ones that do have had it incorporated into a move so they stay on their feet - Sonic spins, for example. Stupid people who don't bother learning how to play games properly will be well at home here!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    This concludes the part of the review in which we compare SST to VT3. Sorry it was so long, but it had to be done.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Eggman/Robotnik is an annoyingly good player. It is most frustrating that he has not been made rubbish, as a fat man who usually gets around in a hovering wheelchair really ought to be.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Here, we have let him take a hit on purpose. That'll teach you, fatty.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    And again. We purposefully lowered our guard and let Eggman take a BULLET TO THE FACE. That one's for frightening poor little Cream in Sonic Advance 2.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Tails is a good character as well. He's a spinner, so you can pound the ball right out of the court easily. The ball swings way more than it did in VT3, so you can really work those angles.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    If you lived through the DC era you will love it.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    This sort of thing happens sometimes. It's all staggeringly random and packed with SEGA stuff. It's better than we could've expected.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Ulala in NiGHTS world. It shouldn't exist.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Boss battle! The Virtua Cop missions all take place in this one area from VC1, plus the cursor sort of auto-locks onto targets making it rather easy. This is the one bit that would be best played on Wii.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Yep, that's pretty much the ultimate SEGA wank fantasy. Having two Ulalas at once, while Pudding and Gum get off with each other in plain view. Meanwhile, NiGHTS is in the kitchen making tea and toast for everyone.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Sorry this is going on a bit, only we went and took about 200 screenshots so really ought to squeeze in as many of them as possible. Even if there's not much to say about them other than "WTF?"

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    Failed attempt at upskirt. She just seems to have a navy blue void up there. Can't get aroused over a navy blue void, even if it is Pudding's navy blue void.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW


    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW


    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW


    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    CONCLUSION: It's very good. Very SEGA. Not quite as tennisy as Virtua Tennis 3, but any SEGA fan MUST MUST MUST have this to experience the magic of the Dreamcast era once more.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    And if you don't buy it, there won't be a sequel and we won't get to do SEGA Superstars Tennis Month II in 2009 or 2010 and talk to Richard Jacques again. For entirely selfish reasons regarding having something interesting to do updates about in 2009 or 2010 AND a reason to talk to Rich again, we give SST 10/10.
    This is what the Japanese version of Sonic & Knuckles looks like:

    Below is a close up of the writing beneath the logo:

    I bet having the sun laugh at you would be soul destroying and EXACTLY like that time at school when the classroom erupted in ecstasy after you mistakenly expected it to only come out as a trump.

    Ironically, this was the very first thing I ever sent in to Zorg but it never got featured. This was probably due to it being too rubbish. I may as well start as I mean to go on though.
    The planets have aligned. We like promotional photographs. We like Ulala. We like SEGA. We lov... like Richard Jacques. We also like concrete, grass, metal railings and trees, we just never go into that much public detail about our liking of concrete, grass, metal railings and trees.

    Here's everything that's good about the world squashed into two cubic metres of existence.

    Richard Jacques - heterosexuality confirmed :((((

    We're fairly sure the expression on Richard's face there is what's known as a "shit-eating grin" and he could quite possibly be wanking. Whereabouts of right hand - UNKNOWN.

  • Sonic cosplay man
  • The Sonic bin
  • You cannot go wrong with a game in which Ulala transforms from her Space Channel 5 Part 1 costume into her Space Channel 5 Part 2 costume. Anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR and a FRAUD, or someone who spent the tail-end of 1999 waiting for PS2 to come out rather than importing Japanese Dreamcast games at massive expense.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - Ulala love-in

    Look at her. She's amazing. She's exactly like the original Dreamcast Ulala artwork. It's the real Ulala. It is HER.

    White, for reduced appearance of stains

    Taking screenshots of Ulala is a dream come true. The quality of the game doesn't matter - we've had more fun taking screenshots of Ulala than playing any game from the last year. Taking screenshots of Ulala - 10/10.
    He is BACK! The one, the only, the incredible elasticated FLAG MAN!!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - FLAG MAN REVEALED

    To the left!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - FLAG MAN REVEALED

    To the right!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - FLAG MAN REVEALED

    To the back!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - FLAG MAN REVEALED

    Now, come on! You do it! Everybody do the FLAG MAN!
    Every SEGA/Sonic site is at FULLY ERECT DEFCON 1 STATUS at the moment, thanks to some clever children finding assets for what would appear to be a multiformat release of Sonic Unleashed. It's the best leak ever - loads of hi-res screens and magazine cover art, and even a video. Heads will "roll" over this.

    And that's what it looks like, courtesy of "Das SEGA Magazin". Could this be the 3D-looking, 2D-playing next-gen Sonic we've all been designing and programming in our heads for the last 10 years? And, more importantly, will it be described as "Sonic's fastest adventure yet"?

    Sonic's fastest adventure yet!

    This is also what it looks like. We would not want to be in the offices of the poor magazines that have this on their next covers, as they now have to change "WORLD EXCLUSIVE!" to something like "WORLD EXCLUSIVE! (IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE INTERNET)".
    This is something that's been bothering us for quite a while now. We remember reading a quote by Shigeru Miyamoto about how Super Mario World was ONLY possible on the Super NES and being rather skeptical. While there actually are some bits of it that can't be done on the NES (the boss fights, that huge Bullet Bill in the very first level that comes in and scares the shit out of you), his example was simply a disgusting case of passive-aggressive SEGA-HATING: (taken from hint book/Nintendo propaganda booklet "Mario Mania")

    Maybe we should have set this to JPEG compression level 7 or 8 instead of 6
    Yes, whatever you say, Shiggy. We'd like to introduce you all to this- a homemade port of Super Mario World to the NES made by some enterprising Asian hackers:

    Quite impressive, if lacking polishIt is, sadly, the only NES game we really like, as we don't have the attention span for things like Contra or Rad Racer. This has caused a life-long alienation from internet forums where people sit around and talk about how great the NES is/was.

    The game itself is very impressive, and enjoyable to play:

    Always liked the squinty-eyed blocks
    Even if there are parts where you get stuck and have to reset.

    Look, there's Yoshi! Ready for mounting.



    We have just jumped
    BAM! And we're off!

    Always liked the boxy design of those mountains
    Shit. It's hard to take screenshots and control a semi-buggy NES game at the same time.

    So that's it- Yoshi does everything he does in the SNES version; eat berries and enemies and spit fireballs. When you get hit he doesn't run away as fast, which is fine with us because his "running away" animation in the SNES version always made us think Yoshi was running to the nearest bottomless pit to commit suicide or something and made us feel uncomfortable.

    So much for believing you, Shiggy!

    The funny pictures are BACK


    Yes, THE Richard Jacques! The Richard Jacques of Metropolis: Street Racer fame, the Richard Jacques of Headhunter fame, the Richard Jacques of OutRun2 remix fame and the Richard Jacques of Sonic R fame/notoriety.

    If you want to verify the authenticity of this interview, you'd better contact Rich though his MySpace page - as his answers are so mental it might look like we've just made this all up. But we haven't. It's all 100 percent pure Richard.

    Here's what RJ had to say.
    UKR: Hey Rich. How are you?
    Richard Jacques: I'm fairly well thanks, considering. Thank you for asking.

    Where are you?
    I am currently in Magical Sound Towers, a division of the Magical Sound Factory, where I currently reside with my many composing monkeys.

    What were you doing an hour ago?
    Reading this email with horror / glee.

    What will you be doing tomorrow, say, at about 2.00pm?

    Reading this interview once you publish it, no doubt. Actually I shall be having a slide guitar lesson.

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    Which supermarket is your local supermarket? Just in case we happen to be in the area and standing outside it?
    That is a really tough question. Because, you see, I am almost equidistant between Somerfield and the Co-Operative, which admittedly are both a bit sort of pikey supermarkets, but the Co-Op does a good line in biscuits, whereas Somerfield always has Chicken Kievs on special. What is one to do? (actually Rich shops at a really posh online supermarket so it's more like Fortnum and Mason for him, bowler hats optional of course).

    What sort of items are in an average Richard Jacques shopping basket?
    Hmmmm. Now that is personal. Well, obviously cheese. I like cheese. In fact I love cheese. Cheese as in the food, cheesy music, cheesy people, cheesy peas, cheesy feet, no wait, I made up that last one. Lots of red meat, fish, poultry. Some tinned sweet corn. A stamp. Sarah Lee chocolate gateaux. And a copy of Official Sega Saturn Magazine as well as a copy of Official Dreamcast Magazine. Am I still dreaming?

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    What sort of normal music do you like? Bet you're into really edgy bands we've never heard of!
    Because I spend so much time in my Magical Sound Factory, I usually just listen to Morris dancing music, Dexy's Midnight Runners, and Enka, which is Japanese old people's folk music. It relaxes me, you see.

    You're credited as providing "composition, remixing and surround mixing" for SST - how much music have you actually contributed to SEGA Superstars Tennis?
    All of the above. I did all the front-end tracks and jingles and the like. Then working with my team in the Magical Sound Factory, my assistants Marc and Rik helped out on the surround mixes of all the tracks in the game, and the remixes of Space Harrier and Virtua Cop. So basically we did all of the above.

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    The original tracks, like the Green Hill and Scrap Brain tunes - are they just recorded or have you recreated them?
    Sadly, we weren't allowed to touch these tracks due to copyright reasons. But pretty much everything else has been 'touched' by me.

    Do you get original sound files from SEGA? What format do they come in? Do they come on dusty old tapes with SEGA logos on the boxes?
    They actually arrive via horse and cart, and the format is 78rpm long playing records. A bit like the format your granddad once had. Or you grandma / great aunt / uncle. Except with better music on it - the Grime Thorpe Colliery Brass Band don't know Splash Wave. Yet.

    So once I open up a box of dusty old 78s, (complete with black and white coal drawn SEGA logos), we go through a thorough mastering process, to ensure no one has embedded "kill Cliff Richard" within a satanic message, and really bring that 8 and 16-Bit goodness up to date. Occasionally we eat walnuts during this particular part of the process. Or sometimes dried apricots, but only on leap years, like this one.

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    The SST theme tune is very enjoyable. Sumo Digital said you can sing along to it, like "SEGA! Super-stars, la la lah!" - did you have any particular lyrics in mind?

    So yeah, basically, if you sing "SE-GA" along to the first 2 notes of the main melody, then "su-per-stars" to the next three notes, then you are rocking. How dare people suggest I don’t take my job VERY seriously!!!

    Which SST track is your favourite?
    Hmm, tough question. Space Channel 5 tracks and Passing Breeze from Outrun.

    You should release them on iTunes. We could get all our readers to buy it and you might get in the charts!
    Yes, I should! Hang on, how many readers do you have?

    Enough to scrape a top 40 position in the jazz/classic charts. Did SEGA have to approve your stuff?

    Was anything rejected?

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    YOUR DESERT ISLAND SEGA TUNE: Magical Sound Shower? Or something else?
    PASSING BREEZE. Far superior composition to Magical Sound Shower in my opinion. I haven't played this particular track half-way around the world for no good reason, don't you know.

    Is it possible to get bored of Magical Sound Shower? If anyone would be bored of it by now, it'd probably be you.
    No one can ever get bored of anything to do with Outrun. Not even Yu Suzuki.

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    SST's House of the Dead/Curien Mansion music is emerging as an early favourite. There's something awesome about the organ. Do you like organs?
    I love organs. Be it a Hammond organ, a cathedral organ, or a human organ. Organs rule.

    Is that the original HotD music or a Jacques mega-mix? It's great, whatever it is.
    It's the original that we mixed into 5.1 surround, so no remixing, just surround mixing. Great tracks though, very nostalgic. I've been playing lots of the HotD mini games and they are my favourites so far. Beat hitting tennis balls at fat zombies is what games should be about.

    Space Harrier also rocks. Well done!
    Thanks! And yes it does!

    Are there any Sonic R tunes in SST?

    Did you ever raise the possibility of the inclusion of Sonic R tunes?
    No. But Supersonic Racing does feature in Super Smash Bros Brawl on the Wii. So at least they like it.

    How often do people come up to you and quote you the lyrics of their favourite Sonic R track? I bet it's every day!
    To be fair, it's every other day.

    There's an unlockable track in SST's Golden Axe zone called "Paternal Horn." Where did that name come from?
    Well, I'm not too sure but I know that track is from NiGHTS. So I guess that if you look into the Latin (Pater meaning father) it could be father's horn, or father plays the French horn, or father goes out a-hunting with a massive hunting horn. You decide.

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    Do you ever listen to game music just for fun?
    All the time. NiGHTS, OutRun, Panzer and Shenmue never leave my CD player.

    Are you friends with fellow game musician Jesper Kyd or DEADLY RIVALS?
    Jesper and I are very good friends. Your readers just have to cast their minds back to Scorcher and Amok on the Saturn. Plus he is Danish and therefore of Viking descent so you don't mess with that kind.

    Do you want us to start a hate campaign about him on the internet? We could ruin him and you'd get more work!
    Actually, yes, that would be fine, thank you. Assassins Creed 2, please. Jade? Hello?

    What are you working on at the moment that you can talk about?
    Sonic Chronicles, plus three other game soundtracks and a feature film, none of which I can talk about. So don't ask. OK?

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    Several years ago now, you casually mentioned you might create a theme tune for UKR. Every day we check our email, hoping that it might have arrived. But it still hasn't. Has it got lost in the system?
    It must have! But keep asking. You never know what may turn up...

    So, now you're done with SST you must have a lot of spare time. Do you want to meet up and hang out? We could go swimming.

    I do like swimming but my local pool has been opened then closed then opened then closed. I blame the government. For everything. When it is open properly again and the boiler is fixed, I will go. You can go too if you like.

    To the cinema?

    What kind of films do you like?
    All films but mainly Carry On. Hattie Jacques is a legend.

    Do you like The Terminator?
    She's OK.

    I've got the Region 1 special edition. You can come round and watch it. I'll tidy up and get some beers in. What do you like?
    I like Dysons with some Mr Sheen and Febreeze. Oh are you talking about beers? Well wasn't Miles Dyson a character in Terminator 2? I'm just trying to link your random questions here. Is he the same guy that made the hoover and that new hand dryer? OK so drinks then. Just any man beer is good.

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    Is UKR a liability as far as you're concerned?
    Absolutely, just stop rifling through my bins. The council have enough trouble. And please make some Blue Skies in Games campaign t-shirts, maybe some people would buy them then! (none of that teal nonsense though, do you hear?)

    Thanks, Rich!
    Do Itashimashite.

    Richard Jacques SPEAKS!

    Thanks again, Rich! We now know Richard lives "equidistant between Somerfield and the Co-Operative" so it's off to Google Maps to narrow his precise location down.
    Think there's just one umpire? THINK AGAIN! SEGA Superstars Tennis has a choice of two umpires - that's twice the sound, twice the words and twice the recording studio time with the voice-over artists. This is no mere game - it's a labour of love.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - WOMAN

    Here, we are selecting the female voice. It's like having a female in your flat. You can say "How many slices of bread are left, love?" Then you can make her say "Fifteen, love" and it's like you're talking to a woman!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - MAN

    Now attempting the male voice. You can say "Would you like anything to drink, Dave?" Then you can get the score to 40-40 and the man will say "Deuce" so you can serve up the man a glass of juice and it's just like having a friend. What a game.
    Here is a selection of loading screens. Some are quite pretty! You often find yourself thinking "I hope the next mission takes ages to load, so I can get a really good look at the loading screen."

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - REVIEW

    They're educational as well. This one is telling you how to play the next mission. Make sure you pay attention!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - LOADING!

    Beautiful logos.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - LOADING!

    Logos we have learned to love and trust.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - LOADING!

    Some have slightly butchered names due to certification reasons (blame Germany), but it's still right in spirit.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - LOADING!

    This is the one you'll see the most - the loading screen of Superstars mode.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - LOADING!

    As you can see, the ball at the bottom-right bounces up and down as the game loads. It bounces smoothly, too! It's not one of those jerky loading indicators you often see on inferior products.
    After each mission, you have the option to replay it or return to the main menu screen. Which option will YOU choose?!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - Back? Or retry?

    Another demolition complete. But do we REALLY want to go back to the mission select screen? Or have we just pressed that button by mistake?

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - Actually, now you mention it...

    Just in case you change your mind, the game kindly asks you if you are sure. Superstars Tennis cares for you, like no one else ever will.
    We just had to post this- recently we bought ourselves a TurboGrafx-16 off eBay. You know, the FAKE 16-bit console that utterly TANKED in every country they tried selling it in outside Japan. We had to hold down the vomit brought on by the sheer LAMENESS of the games it came with- Keith Courage, Dungeon Explorer and the rest of the parade of mediocre HuCards it came with DID NOT IMPRESS.

    In desperation we ordered a flashcard so we could download ROMs for free to play on it, in order to avoid having to spend more money on the thing in the future. And we are pleased to report this list of games that are INDEED WORTH PLAYING on the TG-16, and how you should buy one immediately!

    1. The conversion of Shinobi. Better than the Master System version even if it is REALLY HARD. Might be Japan-only, though. Yeah, it is.

    2. This really weird hybrid puzzle/shooter game called Somer Assault (GET IT? "SOMERSAULT"!). It's quite the peach and we're trying it beat it. You play as a purple slinky dropped down from heaven BY GOD HIMSELF and must battle monsters based on the 12 signs of the zodiac. More on this as the story develops.

    They ported Power Drift to it! Fucking Power Drift! Did they forget that the TG-16 is an NES with a really nice graphics chip? It's not like we're crazy about the game or anything, but we like the arcade version and knew THE SECOND WE COPIED OVER THE ROM that it would be total crap because the original has sprites scaling and rotating at breakneck speed, something the PCE could not do, no matter how many copies of Ys Book I and II you throw at it. UK:R gives Power Drift on the TG-16 (or perhaps PC-Engine since it was a Japan only release, thank god) a 3/10.

    And don't let anyone tell you the conversion of Out Run is better than the Genesis/Mega Drive version. It's not.


    It's not only before a game you can set controller configuration - you can even do it DURING!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - In-game options aplenty

    Is this the most user-friendly game EVER?
    Does it all seem a bit too bright? Or are you using a two-year-old Hyundai VUON LCD TV with only rubbish component inputs that make everything seem too dark? Whatever the situation, SEGA Superstars Tennis has a custom brightness setting for you!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis - Brightness configuration

    It is always MAXIMUM BRIGHTNESS in SEGA world.
    Controller Type D is to Controller Type C as Controller Type B was to Controller Type A. It switches Type C's buttons around. This would mean using B as your primary play button - which would feel rather odd to say the least!


    That concludes our exclusive SEGA Superstars Tennis controller configuration series. Starting later today, we'll be taking a look at the audio and video settings...
    We did think about going to the LIVE show but then decided we couldn't be bothered. It's hard enough going to the corner shop for some sweets nowadays let alone going on public transport and stuff. Thankfully our lack of motivation was justified after reading some opinions of the event today. Here are a few choice examples:

    "An afternoon on Gametrailers would have been a far better way to spend the time."

    "We had press passes and we couldn't get an answer out of anybody as to whether there was a press room or not"

    "I really do think I've been ripped off"

    "Lucas Arts didn't bother turning up - they just sent a poster!"

    "We were in there for an hour and a half before we wanted to kill ourselves. £1.90 for a freaking bottle of water!"

    "Shit, did you see they had Halo 3!!! I almost died."

    "Gemma Atkinson could get her tits out next year and I still wouldn't go"

    Sorry if you just got here after searching for "Gemma Atkinson Tits". We'll just have to send you on your way.
    And now everything's thrown onto its head! Configuration C brings the B button into play, making poor old X redundant. If your X button is showing signs of wear and tear, this could save it! Configuration C is a bit more like Virtua Tennis 3's control system, so really ought to have been the default in our minds.


    SEGA's embargo regarding Controller Type D expires at 9.30am tomorrow morning - so come back then to see what it looks like...
    Controller Type B cleverly swaps the function of A and X, allowing you greater choice of button use. Not sure why pressing two buttons at the same time is supposed to be easier than just pressing Y to lob like in Virtua Tennis 3, though. We'll blame the focus group for that one.


    LATER TODAY: Controller Type C!

    Stubborn, self-important forum signatures:

    "I'm not changing this sig until Metal Gear Solid 4, Tekken 6 and Final Fantasy XIII are announced for the Xbox 360."

    It's as if the author was hoping that Hideo Kojima himself would stumble across this thread on GameFAQs, realize that one lonely, anonymous nerd on the internet--amongst all the other lonely, anonymous nerds on the internet--wants MGS4 on his Xbox, and then immediately put in a call to the development studio to start work on a port. We're not saying that MGS4 won't ever come out on the Xbox 360 (we can assure you, it will) but if Konami is smart they'll knock out the conversion by the end of the year.

    And as for Tekken 6 and FF13... who cares?

    This is a game called Get Bass for the Dreamcast. It was released to us Westerners under the painfully generic title of Sega Bass Fishing (and it was fittingly ported to the PC as a budget title under that name). Quite simply, it is in our opinion that Get Bass/Sega Bass Fishing is the GREATEST game on the Dreamcast, despite its buggy nature which you'll be aware of if you've played it. The game is an EMOTIONAL THRILL RIDE, and perhaps we'll elaborate with a series of posts about how great it is when the Sega Superstars Tennis nonsense dies down. And we are using the Japanese title because we like the Japanese title more. We respect a game title that instantly tells you the goal of the game before you've even hit start.

    We always feel so rebellious when we see the For Japan Only text

    We know you're probably on the edge of your seat with anticipation about the game, so here we've gone to the trouble of plugging in the scanner and getting an image of the back of the jewel case. Click on it to make it bigger. Go on. See anything special?

    To answer your question: no, we are currently single

    Why, it's a bit of English text! And this bit of English text could be interpreted as some sort of slang for a sex act involving the PENIS. But don't worry, you can let the kids play this one, especially how it's just been released on Wii as a budget title, which we excitedly bought, played for a few minutes, and then decided the Dreamcast version was still better despite how it FUCKING crashes on you RIGHT BEFORE THE SAVE SCREEN after a tournament and how there's WAY too much slowdown to be excusable.

    Oh yes- go play Sega Bass Fishing and leave loads of comments about how great it is and how we were right AGAIN about a certain game being fantastic. Go on, we'll wait. Come on, just torrent it or something, you lazy bastards.

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    Certainly you all remember Nintendogs. Right? We went all crazy about it back when everyone else was going crazy about it, but in the end it was found to be not as compelling as we had hoped, and unable to tear us away from our routine of napping at inappropriate times and being much too greedy when it comes to torrenting files over the internet (example: the entire NTSC/U Sega Saturn library-- too bad our Saturn is lying in pieces on the floor from a failed modchipping attempt).

    Sadly, we would not mind having this machine in the basement
    But through good old fashioned "journalism" we have found that one of the key components of Nintendogs, the incredibly boring part where you have to walk your dog around the city lest it go CRAZY on you (or something like that, we really don't remember), appears to have been SHAMELESSLY RIPPED OFF from a Sega arcade machine from 2001.

    Crap screenshot #1
    Don't worry, you've never played it. If you have, please email us and tell us if it was fun or not and if you had to clean up virtual dog shit in a noisy arcade full of people playing REAL GAMES. And then be prepared for our offer to be a Yahoo Auctions Japan proxy for us, though we will require no charge for your services.

    Crap screenshot #2
    Go here for MORE damning screenshots. (We apologize for linking to IGN) Surely this will cause an immediate uproar and letter-writing campaign to Nintendo of Japan which will cause Shigeru Miyamoto's resignation, and development of the Mario franchise will be handed to Sonic Team.

    Actually... never mind.

    Labels: ,

    A man saw something terribly depressing and run-down and thought of UKR. Funny that.

    Dead dog beside road - think of UKR

    "I was in Derby recently for reasons that escape me right now, I came across this old shop unfortunately closed - maybe it had something to do with the foam mattress place next door - and thought of UK Resistance."

    Blood in urine - think of UKR

    "I took a few pictures with my phone, I know how you like your really high quality pictures, but I left my super high spec camera at home so I had to make do. Just another example of how people who have supported Sonic have fallen on hard times or maybe it has something to do with the monkey - Vger."
    SEGA Superstars Tennis has a staggering FOUR separate controller configurations, so there's bound to be one that suits your needs and play style! Here's a look at the default, which the game refers to as "Controller Type A."

    SEGA Superstars Tennis control Configuration A

    MONDAY: Controller Type B.
    Not a particularly good week, but it was saved by the intervention of a man called "Marcel" who bravely took way too many photographs than strictly necessary of women in a jacuzzi. If it wasn't for Marcel's intervention, we could've been looking at an overall score as low as 3/10.
  • This thing about cross-promoting brands and intellectual properties vis-a-vis capturing the critical youth demographic.

  • This thing about maybe having to play games with poor people.

  • This thing about developments in x-ray technology.

  • This thing about making it easier for people to carry their MacBook Airs safely from A (art school) to B (dad's chalet in Switzerland).

  • This thing about CeBIT 2008, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Would like to skin them

    The Photo Of Women In A Jacuzzi law has come into play, meaning this week's batch gets a compulsory 10/10.
    Official PlayStation3 UK trade magazine MCV has decided to stop printing press releases about how PlayStation3 is the best thing ever this week, and has instead allowed SEGA to cover its entire front and back sections in a gloriously glossy advert for SEGA Superstars Tennis.

    Our one-time-enemy and now almost friend Adam 'Shenmue 3' Doree exclusively reveals SEGA's "B2B" promotional scheme for SST.

    SEGA Superstars Tennis specialist campaign

    "Tomorrow's edition of MCV popped through the letterbox of Kikizo's global headquarters in Leicester Square today, and when I saw it my eyes nearly melted with spastic orgasm joy. I don't know why I always get MCV one day before it's meant to be out - maybe it's because I'm ace. However, I am clearly not as ace as SEGA SUPERSTARS TENNIS, and definitely not as ace as this SEGA-sponsored issue of MCV."

    SEGA Superstars Tennis specialist campaign

    "As you can see by these hastily scanned images of the front and back of the issue, this really is as good as it gets when it comes to SEGA artwork. I think you would even be able to see up Ulala's skirt, except Amigo's hat is in the way. But this will still make for a glorious sunny SEGA update on UKR, and will "fit in" nicely with your SEGA SUPERSTARS TENNIS MONTH coverage. I am attaching a couple of different resolutions because you can see the dots in the larger one but I think the users should have choice of resolutions."

    "I am sure the nice people at MCV and SEGA won't mind us promoting the game and their publication in this manner, in fact it's what ghastly media types like to call "added value" since this is just more exposure, and that. It's just like the old days when I used to scan SEGA SATURN MAGAZINE and put it on SEGAWEB and then ignore angry emails from EMAP.

    "By the way, please can you link to my intersite above, since when I am not telling lies about Shenmue for hits I am begging for traffic off of SEGA/WANKING sites. Cheers - Adam."
    As SEGA signs are painted over in favour of companies that sell ring tones for £5 each and new places to buy Fairtrade coffee from, so the signs of the Golden Era (1991 - 2001) of gaming disappear.

    Here is another fading memento of the glory years, taken in a particularly depressing part of the particularly depressing Felixstowe area.

    "Hi guys. I went to Felixstowe by mistake and saw this excellent remnant of the early 90s. I hope the town (and surrounding East Anglia) burns down and just leaves this place standing as a monument to how CORRECT everything used to be - Wayne."

    TOMORROW: Derby!
    Some of the diehard few still clutching onto their Dreamcasts and STILL REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LIE that the PS2 can do better graphics were ecstatic over the apparent "relaunching" of As of this writing the link leads to some page about phishing and how the page was the perpetrator of a phishing scam. Just a few days ago it looked all official and Sega-ey like it was really set up by Sega of Japan, and it had this graphic on the front page:

    Why yes! Yes, we do! Oh, sweet Jesus, it seems Sega really cares after all. And through the way that question is phrased, it knows that anybody who still has a Dreamcast (or even more uncommon, plays it regularly!) is a serious video game nerd who needs to move on and enjoy some of their more recent mediocre games for the current video game consoles on the market.

    But don't toss your Dreamcast! If you were to click on that graphic you would be taken to a page where you were asked to enter your console's serial number and your email address, and in return, get your VERY OWN email address- generated from your console's SERIAL NUMBER. Yes, you could have had an email address of something like "" which is actually just a Gmail account in disguise (see below). Try using that as your business account and see how long it takes to get blacklisted by every spam filter in the world.

    But then it turns out that Sega doesn't even own the domain anymore, and somebody else set it up- apparently as part of a maniacal plot to harvest the email addresses of innocent Sega fans. But for what purpose, we don't know, and we want someone to tell us. We had the misfortune of getting overexcited and hurriedly ripping out our Dreamcast from its connectors to get it over to the computer to enter in the serial number, and now some HOOLIGAN has our email address instead of mother Sega. But then again, so what? According to our spam folder, so do 974 other fine people on the internet.

    The worst part, or the most predictable part, is that people thought this meant Sega was planning something for the Dreamcast's 10th anniversary (that's right, 10th) which is coming up in November. We thought we finally might be getting Dreamcast 2, and this email signup was perhaps for a beta test of the NEW Dreamcast Online Network, which obviously would be better than Xbox Live (and we need not mention fucking PlayStation Home). As it turns out, it was all a load of depressing crap and it's just the latest in a long line of Dreamcast-related embarrassments, right next to the last game ever released for the console being a mediocre shooter and how they shut down the last GD-ROM factory a few months ago. Now we have to go through the trouble of putting the VGA box back in, which is always tough because of its short cable. Whoever did this better mail us a mint copy of De La Jet Set Radio, and soon.

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    Upon pressing start, SEGA Superstars Tennis prompts you to create a save file - then warns you about not interrupting the save process. The game saves "on the fly" as you play, removing any lingering worries about having not saved recently - freeing you to concentrate on the game in hand!

    SEGA Superstars Tennis auto-save EXPOSED

    Don't worry - we will attempt interrupting the save process just to see what happens. Perhaps it unlocks a super-secret character!


    What looks looks like a Greek games shop. Funny Greek words unknown. If you understand funny Greek words, please let us know what it says. Hopefully it's not something rude or about Sony being the best and Sonic sucking cocks!

    Funny Greek writing

    "Took these last summer about 100 miles north of Athens. Unfortunately I have no idea what the funny Greek writing bit means - Nick."

    Funny Greek writing CLOSE-UP

    Sadly, Nick only supplied that one short sentence as explanation. This is not ideal. We now have to think of things to say about three other photos of the same thing from slightly different angles.

    'The children's bicycles were found outside a local shop 24 hours after they disappeared'

    He did at least resize his images to 500 pixels wide, so it saved us a bit of work.

    Stained brickwork, reeking of decay

    TOMORROW: Felixstowe!
    EXCLUSIVE! Here's what happens when you put the SEGA Superstars Tennis disc into an Xbox 360 and prepare to play the game:

    SEGA Superstars Startup EXCLUSIVE

    First of all, there's the SEGA logo. It looks sharp and vibrant on that black background!

    SEGA Superstars Startup EXCLUSIVE

    Then there's the logo for developer Sumo Digital! If Sumo Digital's involved, we know we're in for a Triple-A thrill ride!

    SEGA Superstars Startup EXCLUSIVE

    Then there's the logo for Criware! If Criware's involved, we know we're in for a game built on a fully stable middleware environment!

    SEGA Superstars Startup EXCLUSIVE

    Then there's a logo for the game itself. Thank god they're not just re-using old Sonic Adventure artwork. This is totally custom - clearly the budget for this production was BLOCKBUSTING.

    SEGA Superstars Startup EXCLUSIVE

    Then you get to watch the intro movie! The intro movie tells you to "press start" to skip it, although it's such a great intro movie we doubt you'll want to! In fact, we can't EVER imagine a time when we would want to skip this intro movie. It's THAT GOOD!

    SEGA Superstars Startup EXCLUSIVE

    Then, once you press start, up comes the proper in-game press start screen with its glorious blue sky background. Come back tomorrow to see what happens AFTER this subsequent start request...


    We've decided to launch a passenger ferry. The ferry's default configuration suits medium to long haul runs, with capacity for 975 passengers. An alternate roll-on/roll-off build with capacity for 545 cars over two vehicle decks will also be an option. Pre-ordering starts next week. Get in early or miss out! We're only making 100 of each.

    UKR: Listing heavily to starboard

    THE REAL REASON: "Went to Istanbul, Turkey last week. Went on a boat ride up the Golden Horn waterway to the Black Sea. Passed this boat. Thought you'd might like to see. Comes in limited edition 'PS3 War Blue' - fat_glottis."

    Such a 'stern' email

    Look, someone went to the effort of interrupting their holiday to take these photos. There was no doubt some awkward explaining to do to the wife. So it'd be rude not to use them.
    Ubisoft - the company we don't really like for reasons we're unable to put a finger on but just DON'T, OK? - has put this staggering pile of "lifestyle" nonsense on the internet to promote its DS body image-destroying game.

    Some people in middle England might actually believe this is what gamers look and live like.

    My Weight Loss Coach Promotional-photo-appearing-in shame

    This one is for Glamour magazine to use when it does a feature about My Weight Loss Coach, and how My Weight Loss Coach is really opening up gaming to women.

    My Weight Loss Coach Promotional-photo-appearing-in shame

    This one is for FHM. Or the FHM Fashion special they do occasionally. That plastic thing's a "pedomoter" - which the game uses to count how long you've been sitting motionless for.

    My Weight Loss Coach Promotional-photo-appearing-in shame

    Stuff magazine might use this one to illustrate the technical aspects of it.

    My Weight Loss Coach Promotional-photo-appearing-in shame

    The police will use this one, to illustrate how NOT to carry around your gadgets in urban areas.

    My Weight Loss Coach Promotional-photo-appearing-in shame

    Glamour magazine again.

    My Weight Loss Coach Promotional-photo-appearing-in shame

    This one was surely just taken for us to take the piss out of, as even having the piss taken out of your product on UKR counts as a beneath-the-line, sub-viral marketing success in some quarters.

    My Weight Loss Coach Promotional-photo-appearing-in shame

    This one's for no one to ever use.
    Sony PR blog writers NAMED and SHAMED, along with some odd choices of keywords to describe the world's least popular games console.

    PS3, Sony, gaming, free, online, XXX, Home, The Getaway, Viagra

    "I was just going through the list of meta keywords used on Sony's Three Speech sham blog (don't ask me why) when I noticed something quite peculiar. Among the meta keywords used were the following:

    "Xbox 360, Nintendo Wii, HD DVD, Eurogamer, Backward compatability"

    "Why any of these words would be used to describe the PS3 is beyond me. Anyway. Thought you'd be interested - James."
    Quick! Save as. Resize. Upload. Save as. Resize. Upload. Save as. Resize. Upload. Save as. Resize. Upload. Save as. Resize. Upload. FASTER, COMPUTER! FASTER! This is of GLOBAL SIGNIFICANCE!


    Gemma's co-hosting Live with perennial games presenter Iain Lee. We're not entirely convinced Gemma knows very much about games, but that's unlikely to have been the main reason she was booked.


    "Proof, if it were needed, that the Wii does indeed not make you fit in any way. And don't judge me for having been to The Sun website, I just go there to read the articles (and find out what's happening on the latest witch hunt). Cheers - Ben."


    Iain Lee's got a bit fat.


    This is the first time we have ever wanted to "be" Iain Lee.


    Imagine how much more relaxing it would be, dear Gemma, if you were to actually turn the fucking TV on. This show is going to be a disaster.


    Attending still appeals.


    Yes! Gemma hates Iain Lee just as much as we hate Iain Lee! We will add this to the list of things we have in common with Gemma Atkinson: 1. A hatred of Iain Lee.


    She has legs, and knows how to use them. We doubt she's quite as adept with a Wii controller.


    Go on, Iain, try to get off with her after the show. It'd be a massive victory for the common and slightly geeky man.
    There was a slight disturbance over on Idiot Toys that resulted in the police getting called and several readers' mums being notified about their behaviour. It is still operating at DEFCON 2. Here are some things that were received slightly better - ie, there were no death or legal threats about.
  • This thing about no one being bothered to bend down and turn the plug off.

  • This thing about cross-promotional marketing, MySpace still being "going" and episodes of Columbo.

  • This thing about Brain Training, because we are contractually obliged to pretend we think Wii is a proper games machine once in a while.

  • This thing about the informal Stupidest People of the Year competition the entire world seems to be running at the moment.

  • This thing about something called "Pootie Tang."

  • This thing about the Canon EF1200mm zoom lens, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • A traumatic 6/10.
    You know how it sometimes seems cool to put SEGA stickers and logos on things? Well, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it's even more embarrassing than the time you split your shorts during PE at school and all the netball girls from class M2 saw everything.

    Sometimes, it is like this:

    'If the wheels are rocking, I'm inside sobbing'

    "I spotted this in the parking lot of my college, I tried to get a
    shot of the fur-suit, but it must have been in the trunk. Enjoy! - Adam McAmis."

    'My other car's a pink bubble car that goes 'toot toot'

    Maybe if it wasn't Knuckles. Maybe if it was Cream. Maybe if it wasn't a Volvo. Maybe if it wasn't an old and poorly repaired Volvo. Error heaped upon error.
    Our best score so far is 0 - what can you get?

    Try your luck here!
    Someone went to a lot of effort to take these photos, even though the effort was ultimately misplaced and wasted thanks to a tragic case of mis-remembering.

    "I saw your update about the "GamesMaster" store in Elephant and Castle, and rushed out to photograph another store I thought there was in Wandsworth. Imagine my disappointment when I got there to find it was called "Gamesland" and it had already closed down. If you look you can see Iceland reflected in the window of a shop that specialises in "PS" and "Gameboy" and has the old logo for the N64."

    "On the plus side, the photos I took are educational/entertaining. First up they have shoes/boots cheaper than Peckham..."

    "And its a vibrant place. I'd lke to remain anonymous too please, in case any Wandsworth hard people get upset. Cheers - K****."
    Found by our curious reader/mascot "Andy The Squirrel" - it's a two-piece heart-shaped pendant that will keep the two lovers close, even when they are far away (ie, even when Tails has got stuck on some scenery, scrolled off the screen and died).

    'I'll always come back for you when you scroll off the screen - Sonic xxx'

    Located on that funny Japanese Sonic Team blog thing that often houses amazing SEGA material.
    But we're using these photos, as the heart of the taker was in the right place - his underpants.

    Ulala side/behind!

    They were taken at a presentation of SEGA Superstars Tennis in Milan, where a woman was made to dress like Ulala. We hope giving out this information won't compromise the identity/employment of our source.

    Ulala front/below!

    We have lots of SEGA Superstars Tennis coverage planned. There will be the customary annual interview with Sumo Digital, at least 100 screenshots of the game, plus we may make a compilation video of the loading screens to put on YouTube - and could even go as far as changing the "masthead."

    Ulala mysterious blue patch!

    In the mean time, here's a mysterious blue patch up an Ulala-impersonator's dress, as captured by the poorest digital camera currently in use in the world today.

    Reader "Chris" managed to enhance the blue area in question using advanced image manipulation techniques similar to those used by the FBI and Heat magazine:

    Three fingers

    Amy will NOT be happy.