UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
This is the painting we mentioned yesterday. It is very special. It was spotted on the wall of an arcade in Ilfracombe. Ilfracombe is in Devon, which explains its existence quite well.

Angry motherfucking Sonic

It's Sonic's dad. He was a skinhead in the 70s and is now the landlord of a pub in East London.
This sighting was made in Teignmouth. On the pier. Teignmouth seems to be lagging behind a bit when it comes to getting the latest arcade releases, as for the people of Teignmough, finding out how strong your wrists are is still considered a fun activity:

SEGA Athletic Scale

It's a knob-twisting test of strength, like those mammoth, three-hour Friday night wanking sessions. So much for Nintendo and its "new" ideas - SEGA was licensing this kind of interactive game shit back in 1947. We would really like to see a working Perfumatic too.

The man who sent this in also found a very good painting of Sonic The Hedgehog on the wall of an arcade in Ilfracombe. We're saving that for a separate update, as it's such an amazing image it's going to require some thought.
PlayStation3 quote of the decade! Sony Japan's chief financial officer, Nobuyuki Oneda, has made the joke reality. Speaking to a news agency about how shit it's all been going, Oneda said that low PS3 sales were good because they meant Sony made less of a loss on each one.

This is the greatest case of a cloud having a silver lining ever. He actually said these words in this exact order:
"Actually, because the number of units sold was not as high as we hoped, the loss was better than our original expectation" - Nobuyuki Oneda, Sony Japan

Amazing. Literally amazing. Actually, visibly and physically amazing. Amazing to the foundations of the core.

And so it came to pass.
How very Web 2.0 of it. SEGA Europe's Flickr account is, as you might expect, a very odd place. Odder than here, even. Odder than when we do updates that draw in the freaks, even.

1995-standard photo manipulation

Like this. A photo in which a man has made himself look like Sonic, no doubt to fuel his SICK masturbatory fantasies.

Shadow tattoo :(((

We hope that's going to rub off.

Insane woman

This is what we look like, isn't it?

Sonic wanking suit

This is very frightening. The police really should get involved now, before something serious happens. Something involving this man, his workplace, a vast personal collection of weaponry and very messy suicide.
If they're not sacrificing goats or desecrating churches then they're forcing explicit images of homosexual sex acts upon unsuspecting gamers. This latest outrage sees a character with a blatant double-entendre of a name "Solid Snake" engaged in perverted activities with another man in military uniform. We really don't want to know what CQC techniques are or how they enable the character to get 'deeper into the battlefield' but we'll certainly be writing to our MPs to complain.

Hopefully this was made just for us and isn't just stolen off (of) some internet forum.
Pretty awful. Black denim was socially acceptable in the mainstream back then, not just for ageing goths. They look like today's lesbians. Anyway, that's not the point of this "slow day" update, as you've no doubt already scrolled down and noticed.

This is a gonzo photo report from "circa 1993" which features a photo of, and these capital letters aren't ours so may be taken seriously, a GIANT SONIC KITE.


HOW IT CAME TO BE: "I found this picture, taken in Richmond Park circa 1993. I have cropped one particular area which shows a GIANT SONIC KITE which I thought might interest you. As I write this I think I may have sent it before, and you obviously didn't like it then, so won't be liking it now. But I'm a bit bored of wanking temporarily. So enjoy the picture, and if you have a slow day or wish to 'bury bad news' this might be perfect. The resolution is poor, as it is a pre-digital picture :( Have a gratifying day."
Richard has done an interview for Quite why he has given THEM an interview instead of US we don't know. Is Ellie Gibson more interesting than us now? Is she? It doesn't matter anyway because we already knew Richard would be at the Develop conference in Brighton this week and we knew he'd be doing a half hour slot on Tuesday and another on Wednesday about high-end production techniques. In fact, we're posting this update from the lobby of Richard's hotel. We saw him when he arrived earlier but he didn't recognise us despite us waving. Then the lift doors closed before we could get in. We think he's on the third floor. Never mind. We're sure to see him at the conference. If we can just find a way in...
We haven't made an enemy for ages, so this is quite an exciting return to hating people we don't know on the internet. Our new, official enemy is The Player. It is a PDF magazine. And there are even more reasons to hate it than that.

The third-last thing the world needs more of is PDF magazines. Not only is The Player a PDF magazine, and therefore literally unreadable without doing something out of the ordinary, but it's also only available as a zipped file. And it runs MSN conversations between the staff as features. Even Edge never stooped that far up its own arse.

The second-last thing the world needs more of is NINE PAGE interviews with Kieron Gillen, conducted by the sort of people who aspire to one day be like Kieron Gillen if they keep plugging away on that irreverent blog of theirs. NINE PAGES!

And the actual last thing the world needs more of is a FULL PAGE PHOTO of Kieron Gillen's face, especially not if you've just bought a 20" monitor and are yet to turn the brightness down. There's nothing that bad about Kieron's face in particular, it just creates a general feeling of rage.

We are now at a state of enemies with The Player. Anyone caught mentioning, reading, linking to or promoting it in any way is therefore an enemy of UKR.
Yes, the ATEI show that took place back in January. You got a problem with that? If you have, your problem will soon disappear in the face of HOT SEGA BOOTH GIRL ACTION!

There are 50-odd photos. Some good, some rubbish, most of them a bit grainy, but most of them also of models in tight white SEGA vests.

SEGA ATEI girl explosion SEGA ATEI girl explosion SEGA ATEI girl explosion SEGA ATEI girl explosion

There's something so brilliantly sexist about SEGA's arcade division. They're always pulling stunts like this. Like when they hired a woman. If only this sort of behaviour wasn't dying out.

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

It's that rubbish wonky-faced Sonic again. This isn't fair. We have wonky faces, yet are never surrounded by hot SEGA girls.

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SEGA ATEI girl explosion

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

New desktop image! Loads of SEGA girls, plus room for icons in the roof and floor bit. Perfect.

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

New desktop image! Loads of SEGA girls, plus room for icons in the roof and floor bit, plus a slightly better arrangement of girls. The photographer was clearly growing in confidence by this point and was happy telling the women how to pose.

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

We should thank The Man who sent us these photos. We trust enough time has passed for you not to get in trouble over this.

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SEGA ATEI girl explosion

"Better get one of them"

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

The man on the left clearly thinks he's the only one with a chance with the ladies, thanks to being younger.

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

Our money's on the man in the middle, though, as he probably paid for them and mini-bused them in from Kings Cross, so gets first pick.

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SEGA ATEI girl explosion

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

This is what happens when loads of men who work on an industrial estate all year get given a budget to attend a trade show. Models and tight t-shirts.

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SEGA ATEI girl explosion

The man on the right has got a bit of red-eye going on and looks like a monster about to pounce. It is somehow perfect.

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SEGA ATEI girl explosion SEGA ATEI girl explosion SEGA ATEI girl explosion

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

Sadly, the photos are taken with an entry level camera that doesn't capture the glory of this moment. We suspect these may even be high-end cameraphone shots. There was a boy out there doing a man's job.

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SEGA ATEI girl explosion SEGA ATEI girl explosion

SEGA ATEI girl explosion

Next year we are going to ATEI with at least 10 megapixels at our disposal. We will also get closer. That's a promise.
This doesn't make us quite so sad. In fact, it goes some way toward making up for Nintendo's lies about the Mega Drive that still hurt and bleed.

Nitendoland - faded glory

From "a rather disappointing ride at a recent fireworks festival".


A man went to SEGA World, in 1999. Nothing unusual in that, you might think. After all, SEGA still had a bit of non-ruined popularity left over in 1999 and was surfing the wave of Dreamcast. Or paddling near the sewerage outlet of Dreamcast, as it subsequently turned out.

Anyway, Joe went to SEGA World - and took some video of it. The SEGA World of 1999 is now saved forever in the collective Google memory. Joe has even performed a rudimentary 'edit' of the footage and added some music! It's quite an epic piece.

FROM JOE: "I found some old home video footage of my trip to SEGA World back in 1999. It's not much but it's got the entrance way, two Sonic statues and a view outside the building. You can see it here or I can upload it somewhere else if you prefer. Joe".
Over the last year, we have received two separate emails about the 1991/1992 Sonic The Hedgehog Yearbook. It is clearly time to do something about it, even though both sets of photos are, frankly, rubbish.

The 1991/1992 Sonic The Hedgehog Yearbook!

The Doomsday Book of video games!

FROM THE OWNER: "Hi there, I was just rummaging through my wardrobe and I found this mint condition 1991/1992 official Sonic yearbook. In the middle of the book there is a 'fun' game to guess the random has stars of the time. In one we have Manchester United star Brian McClair and two is Brian's team-mate Paul Parker. In six is TV star Julian Clary. And finally, 11 is Michael Jackson with Sega's UK champion, who I think looks a bit like Brian McClair."

Well, we'd stand a better chance if you'd done a better job of taking the photo.

The internet would've had a field day with this, had the internet existed in a mainstream format in 1991/1992.

This second batch of photos came from the angry people at Stupid Fucking Customers.

Andy Crane would appear to think the Game Gear is a telephone. If only! Perhaps then it would've stood a chance. It also might've needed an extra eight batteries.

Again, the photos are not really of a high enough quality to reflect the majesty of the annual. We are currently scouring eBay for a decent one to photograph at the highest possible resolution under the lighting conditions it deserves.

You can just about read it. Best not to though.

Wow. In 1991/1992, we would've gone MENTAL WITH EXCITEMENT at the thought of winning a SEGA Mega CD.

Andi Peters is so rubbish he needs to be told which one he's controlling! No, Andi, you are not the rocks or the sea, you are the dolphin.

This is where it all went wrong for SEGA. You can't remove the headphone socket. Listening to the Starlight Zone theme in stereo while playing in the dark is the Mega Drive's greatest defining moment.

If you have a copy of the 1991/1992 Sonic The Hedgehog Yearbook AND a decent camera AND a sense of perspective AND the ability to hold a camera still, please send in more pics. Maybe one day we can recreate the entire book page by page for future generations.
Although probably not quite in the way they meant. This PlayStation3 advert uses a photo of a sizeable bomb exploding. We could take this update down two very clearly signposted roads.
(1) Feign OUTRAGE over Sony using nuclear imagery to promote its game machine, especially as it's a Japanese company, and ooh, isn't that going to offend people who got nuked in the war?

(2) Just laugh at PS3 being called a bomb by the very people Sony's paying to promote it.

PS3 - contaminating thousands

Taken from here, a site where even advertising people don't seem to understand what this rubbish is supposed to mean (what it means is PlayStation3 is bombing, bombing with the power of 25,000 SEGA Saturns).

Also on the site is this one for Sony Bravias which nicely references Sony's home equipment and its fondness for breaking and catching fire. We suspect this burning Bravia's warranty ran out just last week, too.
She's got three little moles beneath her collar bone. They make a little triangle.

Jade's collar bone

Only you would know this. Only you get close enough to her to know this.

Jade's thumb and hand

She also has a mole on her left thumb.

Jade's development harem

This is the full photo of Jade and the Assassin's Creed team. The team must love the way they're lumped together in a big mass and made to stand three paces behind Jade. Morale must be sky high. It also looks like Jade was the only one given advance warning to "wear something nice".
With this sensational publicity photograph, designed to promote the DS Brain Training range and it's appearance at The Retirement Show this weekend. See you there on Saturday.

'Chipolatas, tea, milk, bread'

Let's all be nice. That could be your grandma.
The astonishing thing about Sony's amazing public lies is the way they're getting closer together. It's hard to keep track of lies when they're two or three years apart, but when you lie in January about things that then happen in July, it's blatantly obvious you're treating your userbase like idiots.

Jack Tretton LIES

This is taken from here. It was a pretty huge lie, really. But that was nothing!

Japanese man LIES

Incredibly, Sony last week told a lie on July 6 about a thing they announced on July 9. A new personal best for time between lie and contradictory truth! Go Sony! You're still best at one thing!
Delivers another batch of completely amazing publicity photos. The fun they have in that office. Must be like SEGA during the glory years down there.

Wii Fit

This poor model is about to get destroyed and humiliated across the entire internet, even though she's clearly very lovely. We can only hope she was financially compensated enough to make her imminent web forum nightmare worthwhile.

Wii Fit

Dad's joining in. Good old dad. He seems to be enjoying games much more these days, especially when his daughter brings her friends around to play.

Wii Fit

There is no way a man would get that excited about a woman's exercising game.

Wii Fit

Dad's also started doing lots of press ups recently, ever since he signed up a MySpace account.

Wii Fit

Thanks, Nintendo! Sadly, we can't play Wii Fit due to feeling very vulnerable and exposed when not wearing socks and shoes.
Just like it won E3 1995 with the Saturn! The glory days are back!

Sonic on Xbox Live Arcade! :)))

Sonic 1! On Xbox Live Arcade! Now! For an entirely reasonable 400 credits! This is now the reason Xbox Live exists and the reason we have continued to exist for the last two years. There's not much left to look forward to now, though.

Sonic Rush Adventure

Not just ONE 2D Sonic game, but TWO 2D Sonic games! Here's a trailer for Sonic Rush Adventure. If you were paying attention about two years ago, you'll know that Sonic Rush was a sensational return to form for Sonic - if you BOTHERED to play it properly and didn't just put it down half way through level two. This is more of that!

And not just TWO 2D Sonic games, but more stuff on the new NiGHTS as well! There's an alternate version of this video on YouTube where someone's put the Saturn game music over the top, which makes a huge difference.


Still! New NiGHTS! That's more than it looked like we'd get three years ago, when it seemed SEGA was going to only make pachinko machines for the rest of time.

Gears of Killzone is the best we can come up with

This is a joke. It's one of those generic aliens from Killzone 2 falling down a slippery slope, just like Killzone, PS3 and all of Sony's money in the face of this SEGA onslaught!
This is the update we have been waiting to write since May 2005, back when Sony issued some huge lies about what Killzone would look like on PlayStation3 - had PlayStation3 been released in 2023.

Sony has now revealed what Killzone actually looks like on PS3. It looks like any old Xbox 1 game set in the Tom Clancy universe.

The original Killzone lie

This is Sony's original suggestion of what Killzone would look like on PS3. It was, even at the time, clearly one of the biggest lies ever told in the interactive entertainment industry.

Killzone 2, JPEG compression 4

And this is the truth. Killzone 2 is the world's most generic action game. Even better, go over to Euro PS3 PR blog Threespeech and see amazingly deluded PS3 owners saying this looks anything other than utterly disappointing.
It's like she's aware of you, looking at you and interacting with you! She might even be interested in hearing what you have to say about games! Or she might be saying "NO! PLEASE STOP! I'LL DO ANYTHING!"

Emily Booth, talking to you like she's interested in you

IT WAS FROM THIS MAN: "I'm sure someone else has already done it, but just in case they haven't; I have. It looks a bit like one of those reticulated animal cards you got in Frosties "back in the day". It's not really as rude as you might be hoping for. However, you can just pretend that Emily is talking to you all day. Michael".
Sony's obviously going to announce a shameful, fan-base-angering European PS3 price cut at E3 this week, or at least throw in some shit games for free you can eBay. PS3 sales must drop to ZERO this week. Make them suffer.

PS3 'bargain'

Buying one off some idiot who paid full price and can hardly even give it away is acceptable, though.
Officially this time, so there's no need for anyone to go crying and emailing anyone else's boss and trying to get them sacked, okay?

Sadly, the figures for home consoles are broken down by manufacturer - so Sony's PS3 blushes are spared by having PS2 sales added to them.


UK console sales for 2007

It's all a bit hard to understand, but it at least shows that PS3 sold 930,000 units of software this year, compared to Wii's 1.5 million and Xbox 360's 3.14 million. That would appear to support any sort of argument you care to put forward.
We have simply stolen these arcade photos from a site called Sega Nerds. They include such delights as the Segasonic Cosmofighter, Desert Tank and Hard Dunk. They say the arcade is in Guam but that might be a joke or lie. It's hard to tell with the internet. Here are the photos.

Segasonic Cosmofighter

Even a broken Segasonic Cosmofighter should be in a list of the world's top ten greatest arcade machines.

Desert Tank!

Desert Tank was part of SEGA's career gaming series, which also included games like office sim "Desk Desk Admin", catering game "Fries With Everything!" and mobile phone salesman simulator "Get Minutes".

Hard Dunk!

We'd like to Hard Dunk all over that!

We will take care of you

There is also a photo of a slightly confused and frightened little girl, no doubt wondering why being in an arcade is not as much fun as it is supposed to be.
Apparently her name is Satomi Ishihara. If you're the sort of person who enjoys really unsatisfying Japanese soft pornography where all the women do is smile at you like they like you and are your friend and don't even get their tits out, you'll know her as some sort of "idol".

Satomi Ishihara - a SEGA WOMAN

Imagine getting off with a girl wearing a red SEGA shirt! You could reach over, pretending you're feeling her chest, then sneakily feel the quality embroidery of that logo.

Satomi Ishihara - a SEGA WOMAN

You might even be able to distract her enough to steal that SEGA "staff" badge.

SEGA is always with smile, apart from when playing Xbox 360 Sonic The Hedgehog

That SEGA logo is AMAZING. We have said a lot of SEGA things are AMAZING over the years, sometimes unnecessarily, but that logo... that logo is... AMAZING. It really does sum up SEGA.

Satomi Ishihara, demonstrating how a button works

Here she is, performing a press. It looks like a good press. A well extended finger, clean body shape, clever use of the left hand to draw the eye into the object - plus she's looking away from the target button which always makes it harder. This is a good choice for SEGA.
Need some SEGA news? Simply pop up to Shoreditch and visit the SEGA NEWS FOOD AND WINE SHOP. What more does a man need than SEGA NEWS, FOOD and some WINE?


THE FUNCTIONAL EMAIL: "Hi. Don't know if you've had this before, but here's a picture of a newsagent near Shoreditch that has the word SEGA in its name. Cheers, Andy"

Thanks, Andy. Thanks for saving us the LIVING HELL of going to Shoreditch and walking among the 1000s of art students with asymmetric hair and huge, ironic, white sunglasses and taking the photo ourselves.


Deeply unsettling or just a bit of harmless fun? It's time for another exciting walk along the UKR tightrope of taste and decency!

Secondary sexual organs - check!

If closely analysing a child's toy for signs of primary and secondary sexual organs is wrong, we don't want to be right.

Plastic toy armpit fetish

These photos were submitted by a reader. It is not us that has the plastic toy armpit fetish.


And one with the flash, just in case using the flash shows up any additional detail, like, say, nipples.


And a close-up with the flash, just in case this shows up any nipples. It would appear Eidos has vetoed nipples :(

Not even the outline of a bra :(

Still no nipples. Not even the outline of a bra. This is rubbish.


Nice toe definition.