WipEout was sort of all right for a bit.















































































































































EyeToy was fun cos it also worked as a PC webcam.

The 'Bits Babe' is BACK ON TV! That is, assuming Sky Channel 166 counts as being on TV. It's at least a step up from selling DVDs of yourself naked on the internet, anyway.

Greetings once again Bouff fans!

At long last we can confirm that Emily is now defintely back on the telly and can currently be seen regularly presenting a quiz programme on Sky Channel 166! We're currently putting together a small gallery of images but in the meantime here's one to whet your appetite!

Emily has recently been away touring Thailand which is why there hasn't been much news from Bouff.tv recently. But she's back now and is back on the box which is great news for all you lucky SKY viewers outTHERE!!

http://www.bouff.tv/newsletter.php

"A week after everyone else I've made a hilarious revolution joke" says reader Tom Gaulton. "It's got sound and everything" he adds, which is quite impressive to us.



Download here [177k]. It's quite poor, but we haven't got anything better for today. Or tomorrow. Or [insert day].

Kuja turns into Sephiroth at the end, so we were right and you can all start apologising now for saying we buggered it up. Money would be preferable, but if any of you weigh less than 83 kilos then it would be nice if you could pretend to be our friend at "Industry" events in case the Fragdolls are there and we need to make them jealous.

Advent Children is now available for import on DVD and UMD assuming you have the cash, equipment and inclination. Seems an awful lot of bother just to see buggers jump, though.

Here comes a joke! The joke is we upload a screenshot of a crap PSP game, suggesting it "downgrades" PSP by simply being rubbish. As in, it "downgrades" the perceived value of the console, rather than the operating system.

It's a topical joke that wouldn't be out of place on a video game-themed edition of Have I Got News For You? presented, perhaps, by Dominik Diamond and airing exclusively on Bravo very very late at night. We'd be one of those guests you'd think would be funny, but then sits there and never says anything and only features in cut-away shots smiling and nodding when Paul Merton says something good (that we thought of as well and were just about to say, hence the nodding).



We chose Space Invaders "Evolution" to illustrate downgrading a PSP. It is the kind of game you get for free when buying a bargain bundle from Toys R Us or Woolworths, is out in November and has, amazingly, been made into 3D now that technology has progressed enough to properly realise the Space Invaders dream.

...with Nintendogs puppies! This is why people say having a dog is a great way to pull girls -- even a bus-faced, rabbit-toothed old Japanese man looks cute when he's holding a puppy:



It's OK, he's been neutered (this happens to all Japanese men by law when they hit 40).




It's OK, he won't bite (but he may try to put Mario in you).




CAN WE HAVE ONE. MUM? PLEASE? PLEASE? OH GO ON. PLEASE. WE WON'T LOCK IT IN THE FREEZER LIKE THE LAST ONE.




WE WANT THIS DOG. THIS ACTUAL DOG. NOT ONE LIKE IT, THIS ACTUAL DOG.

Here's a hi-res photo of that stupid gold PSP, for all you people with blogs who once a week "discover it" and write a tired news story featuring the phrase "bling bling".



We're fed-up with seeing the low-res version all over the whole internet, that's all. This has been a public service update, and is therefore not meant to be funny. Which is JUST AS WELL ISN'T IT?

...as seen in this week's Megatokyo. You see, this is why we hate "Japan" people. Not because we hate Japan or the Japanese or anime or anything, but because of the whole unshakable conviction that Japan is a magical paradise of video games and cartoons.

Japanese kids just DON'T play video games, and the problem has got so bad that Namco gave it as one of the reasons they've merged with Bandai. They own handheld consoles (on which to play Pokemon or Starfi) till the age of seven, because that's how long it takes for their hands to be big enough to hold a controller. They then get either a Gamecube (for Pokemon Stadium) or a PS2 until they hit tweenage. At this point they either mate with it for life (in the case of boys) or throw it away to pursue a youth filled with boys, mobile phones, selling underwear to old men and trying to turn their skin from yellow to black and their hair from black to yellow (in the case of girls).

The ONLY reason a Japanese teenage girl visits an arcade is:

1) To do "Novelty" stuff like printing stickers of their faces and downloading ringtones from the Konami net terminals.

2) To play adorable games about bursting brightly coloured bubbles

3) To look bored with their boyfriends

4) To watch said boyfriends feed quid after quid after quid into the prize machines in an attempt to impress them, NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT THE PRIZE, but because they want to guage the extent to which he'll break and humiliate himself for them in order to better assess how easy he'll be to crush beneath their heel should the relationship turn serious

...EXACTLY LIKE EVERY OTHER ARCADE IN THE WORLD.

Fred Gallagher is a profession real live manga artist!!1 and was once less than ten meters away from a real live Japanese person (although they could have been Chinese or even Korean - they were fat and the lighting was bad and they all sort of look the same).

Some good news and some bad news about Sonic Rush on DS:



Cream's in it!!! Albeit only in a menu screen capacity, but when just looking at Cream makes you happy a menu screen is all you need. :)




They're using that 3D tunnel thing for the bonus round AGAIN. :(

Rinko apparently really likes the number 23. You should mention it to her as many times as possible to her if you meet her, it will make her like you more.

COSPLAYING AS SNOW WHITE


........they've sort of lost us with this one, we'll admit.

HOVERING HOVERING MULTIPLICITOUSLY ABOVE ARCADES

We're not sure what most of that says because it's written in ridiculous cutesy Japanese, but we're told the one in the middle says "EEEEEEEVERYONE BECOOOOOOME HAPPYYYYYYY!"

SHILLING GAMES AND MOBILE PHONES (DUH)


It's well known that no matter how much you pay a Japanese girl, they just CANNOT smile convincingly about anything. Singing, comics, lesbian porn, they ALWAYS look at the very least just a little bit like they're scanning for the quickest escape route and calculating how fast they can run in their Ulala platform shoes which they're being paid to wear.

Pity poor Rinko though. Her job is to sell RETRO SEGA GAMES. This means that in this photo she is DEFINITELY being stared at by a horde of overweight, thirty-ish Sega fans. That's GENUINE FEAR you can see in her eyes.

TOWERING FOUR FLOORS HIGH OVER DOGENZAKA HILL

Your mission for this week is to see if you can find us an MPG or something of the Princess Rinko TV commercial. We've only seen it once and we have no idea what it's for, but it features ten or so children running round and round, playing air hockey and chanting "SEGA SEGA SEGA SEGA SEGA SEGA SEGA SEGA SEGA!" in a shrill, high pitched scream while Rinko looks on and says "Piiiiiiii! Puuuuuuun!" (which appears to be her catchphrase).

"Please be gentle, eh? This is Princess Rinko's part time job. How do you do. This is Princess Rinko. The joys of Sega Ages 2500 are coming to everyone of Earth from the Sega Joy Star. The Sega Joy Star is a shining star where the spirit of everybody's spirit of enjoyment of games gathers. From now on, I will be supporting Sega Ages 2500!"



So, here's what you have to buy in order to get to smell the lovely Rinko's finger.

SPACE HARRIER 2 COMPLETE COLLECTION
Every console version of Space Harrier 2 ever made, emulated down to the last frameskip, even the ones that ran at 3 frames a second and gave you brain cancer. We'd make a nasty comment on that, but we had the Amstrad version of Space Harrier that was in wireframe 3D and we know what suffering really is.

SEGA SYSTEM 16 COLLECTION
Two games on this one. The first is SDI, the lovely little Reaganite trackerball-based shooter refangled for the Playstation mouse. The second is Quartet, everyone's favourite game that was unspeakably shit but everyone played it because A) It was a Sega game and the lovely, chimey, upbeat music and primary colours got you high and B) It was a one of the only squad based games available in 1986 (and frankly a root canal operation was preferable to playing Gauntlet again).

LAST BRONX
Hooray! The Saturn is back! That's a good thing! Isn't it!? Isn't it? Oh god. Someone tell us what to say.

SEGA MEMORIAL SELECTION
Head On, Tranquiliser Gun, Congo Bongo, Borderline and Doki Doki Penguin Land. Perhaps some kind of sick joke? It'll be that Sega bullfighting simulator from 1984 next.

GUNSTAR HEROES!
Gunstar Heroes!

ADVANCED WORLD WAR
Gunstar Heroes!

GALAXY FORCE 2
Neat old shooter using the Space Harrier / Afterburner engine. Nothing spiteful or cynical to say about this; after all, Gunstar Heroes!

PANZER DRAGOON
We've seen a trailer of this we downloaded off the internet, and it looked as horrible as the Saturn original. We saw it running at TGS, and it looked the same. Perhaps it's a cruel punishment that Sega has been instructed to inflict on the Japanese for only buying fourteen X Boxes. *CHECKS FAMITSU* Oh, wait. Thirteen. One of them broke.

DYNAMITE DEKA
The best thing about Dynamite Deka (aka Die Hard Arcade) is that it got slammed by the mainstream press on incisive and well thought-out grounds such a "WHAT THE HELL? THIS GAME HAS INFINITE CONTINUES! I FINISHED IT ON MY FIRST TRY!" As such, every single well-played game of DD that you perpetrate is a direct smack in the teeth to EVERY ONE OF THE TRAITORS WHO MURDERED SEGA. With a big plank. With splinters in it. That's been on the floor and everything.

We love standing up for the little man! Actually, we prefer standing next to the little man so we look tall and manly in comparison (if you're a little man and would like to hang out with us at a selection of fashionable London bars, please get in touch. We can probably be friends).

BUT ANYWAY
Someone's complained about the Pek Ham reference on the site, wherein a reader said it was "a substandard SPAM substitute from Poland". Apparently it's of a superior quality to SPAM in the eyes of some!

THE FULL COMPLAINT IN FULL:

Hello

I would just like to pull you up about your article on Pek Ham:

Pek Ham is also a substandard SPAM substitute from Poland that you can buy from ALDI, LIDL, or any other questionable quality food stores.

My chinese friend buys it. You do not want to know what 'in natural juices' means, or how much actual pork is in it.

Well I used to work for Ridpath Pek before it was taken over by Animex and made into Smithfield Foods. Pek Ham is not only sold to "questionable food stores" it is also sold to Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys, Waitrose, Morrisons as well as many small independent food stores and shops.

As for being substandard well that is your opinion. We often received many compliments about our product telling us it was preferred over Spam, although most of these comments came from the North of England. We didn't get as many compliments from the south for some reason only complaints about supplied staining, go figure. Also Pek Ham does not just come from Poland, it is also made in Ireland although the Irish product it not as nice as the import from Poland. I do not usually eat tinned meats as a rule but during my time at Pek I also acted as quality assurance and so got to do taste testing and I have found that I prefer Pek Ham to Spam.

"Natural Juices"... um... I never saw that on the label, it must have been changed since I left so I can't comment on that one. However I can tell you that Pek Ham or Pek Chopped Pork to give it its proper name is made from 100 percent pork. Pek Gold is actually one of the healthiest canned meats that you can purchase as it is 100 percent pork with less then 3 percent fat.

So there you go, that's you told.

Tanith

PS: Please don't take this seriously; I just feel the need to enlighten everybody into the joys of Pek. I don't know why though. I should hate them. I had a great job at Pek, good money, great people and then Smithfield came along and said they would make me redundant unless I moved to Norwich. So it was bye-bye cushy Job, hello horrible real world. Still at least I had almost 4 months to concentrate on my games collection while I lived of my redundancy money.

Readers! Has anyone threatened to make YOU redundant unless you move to Norwich? If so, please get in touch. We can't be friends with you, but may be able to forward your details onto someone that can.

World exclusive: The Tokyo Game Show Wasn't Shit This Year...

...and it was ALL THANKS TO SEGA and Sega-related products. Plus the booth babes were all around 25 or over and the cosplayers were almost all overweight or a bit creepy, so good work all round.




PSO
Look! It's Phantasy Star Online... but it isn't rubbish! You can choose from fifty kind of hairstyles, tops, bottoms and shoes and use advanced morphing technology to define everything from the shape of your eyebrows to the angle of your ears. You can have a different weapon in either hand, and there are PROPER action movie style special moves instead of just hit-hit-hit like in a REAL action RPG. You have your own apartment that you can customise, just like in Animal Crossing. Best of all though, instead of a mag you have a little helper robot that can transform into a childlike miniature human, then you can feed it monofluids until it's too drunk to say no or cry for help any more!




SEAMAN 2
The Seaman stand was this big bush in some water. We watched it for quite a long time to see if Leonard Nimoy would come out and talk to us, but nothing happened. Maybe we weren't shouting "WAKE UP, FISHY!" loud enough; we presume that's what the worried-looking Sega employees were trying to tell us.




MAN
Aaaaaaaah, Sonic Bloke. It just wouldn't be the same without you giving gigantic thumbs-ups and hugging delighted children. You have done a man's job, sir; they are truly OUR CHILDREN now.




MIZUGUCHI'S NEW PSP PUZZLE/MUSIC THING
Puzzle + Music = ACE! We don't understand what it's supposed to be, is about, or even what you're supposed to call it or how you're supposed to write its name, but anything by The Miz is worth getting the horn over -- even if it is called Every Extend Extra and is based on an old PC freeware game. Oh, and we completed Lumines the other day.




DS STUFF
In the afternoon we fired up DS Pictochat. We were the only foreigner talking so we didn't really know what to say, though. Someone said something about SNK, so we drew him a picture of Iori from King of Fighters. Minutes later he rewarded us with this terrifyingly detailed drawing of a crab-faced man holding a dildo! It was AWESOME! This must be what having friends is like. After that everyone started talking about their Nintendogs and we kind of lost the thread of the conversation, but when people started writing two digit numbers lower than 23 it became clear that someone had asked how old everyone was (so we pretended to run out of batteries and left swiftly).




LOCO ROCO
We hate people that automatically like kooky Japanese stuff because it's kooky and Japanese. But sometimes things go so far beyond the kooky barrier they demand love, and rolling a yellow sphere down holes and bouncing it off flowers looks like fun. And at least your yellow sphere doesn’t have to do "drive-bys" and "gang bang" purple spheres.




PAPIER MACHE
Now THIS is what we're talking about. Climax's booth. No babes, no three storey plasma screen, just a dramatically detailed model of the first level in Landstalker which was used to design the game, with white PSPs set up on it to demo the new handheld version. Stick THAT in your Lego pipe and smoke it, Molyneux. It was surrounded by starry-eyed people in their late 20s - early 30s with crumpled, defeated expressions watching the rolling movie of Nigel walking around the first village to an orchestral rendering of the game's music. As it reached its most exciting crescendo the camera zoomed in as he jumped on the dog's head and let it carry him around. Remember doing that on the Megadrive? YOU DO, YOU BLOODY DO.




THE NINTENDO REVOLUTION VIDEO
Never before has the dividing line between how stupid a photo of something looks and how great it seems to be to play with been so pronounced. In photos it's RUBBISH! In video, demonstrated by giggling Japanese honeys bopping flies on the head, it's clearly the best thing ever and the invention that's going to save all of video games from getting buried in another hole in another desert.




CHROMEHOUNDS
It looks awesome, but we mainly like it because according to Sega's official press release you're supposed to write CHROMEHOUNDS using CAPITAL LETTERS. And we're really starting to get into robot porn at this kind of resolution. Look at its tubes and pipes! You can even see its access flap. Filthy robot bitch.




GOTHAM 3
Lovely. We can't stop looking for clues in the reflections.

AND...
There were a lot of other things there, but most of them only warrant small mentions, like Xbox 360 and PS3 (which look somewhat like Xbox and PS2, so no cause for concern there). We tried to get an ironic photo of chubby fanboys taking photos of a female cosplayer in a swimming costume who was actually chubbier than them, but a security guard thought we were a stalker and shouted at us. We tried to cheer ourselves up by being the only site with pictures of the Mushi King zone too, but they wouldn't let us in because we didn't have a child with us.

All in all, we give this year's TGS a score of Sega out of ten. It really does look like the games industry is stroking our hair and saying "Come back to us baby, we didn't mean to hit you, can it ever be the same as it was?" We're going with "Probably not." *

* And by "Probably not" we mean "Shadow The Hedgehog." **



** And by "Shadow The Hedgehog" we mean "Emphatically not."

This means he must've TALKED TO THEM! He probably said "Hey, sexy girls! Can you hold this while I take a photo?" then they probably said "OK, what is that thing?" then he would've said "It's a Dreamcast" and they would've said "Is that like a PlayStation?" then he would've just sighed and said "Yes" because he would've realised the futility in trying to explain to booth babes what Dreamcast is (was) when you're pressed for time and there are lots of people around.



That's how comfortable we are in a suit, too. More pics here.

IN OTHER 'THING HOLDING' NEWS:
The results from the Thing-Holding World Championships are in!

From the people that bought you 458 Japanese Women Holding Things comes the latest in a series of international promotional lady-stalking:



We're calling this one 23 Photos of Models at the Tokyo Game Show. It's our new utilitarian link naming system.

...then chicken out because you've decided that you actually quite like them.

Sorry, everyone. We'll try to make up for it by getting you some pictures of boothbabes and teenage cosplayers wearing skimpy outfits from the Tokyo Game Show tomorrow, promise.

Failing that, some pictures of women ACTUALLY fucking dogs.

The games industry continues to make its own jokes today:



A PLEA: Would anyone from Gizmondo like to anonymously tell us what's going on inside the company? It's bound to make a good update, and will definitely be funnier than anything we've managed to do since 1997.

And he's taken some photos with a digital camera it looks like he got out of a Christmas cracker to prove it.

Hi chaps,

Just in case you weren't crazy enough to buy a CDi, like myself, and therefore couldn't take a photo of Philips' unique CDi control pad, I went to the liberty of taking one myself and emailing it to you.

Apologies for the poor quality. [APOLOGY ENTIRELY NECESSARY]

Still, now you can create, oooh, I'd say a good 387 different visual joke gags about how Nintendo's new pad looks exactly like Philips' old pad. And to think, people thought Nintendo and Philips broke up in the 90s, how wrong they were!

I hope this is of some help, I spent a good 5 minutes charging my camera to send this pic.

Regards,
Micheal Colardale

PS: The flap at the bottom of the pad can be opened to reveal all the CDi buttons, which actually makes it look even MORE like Nintendo's Revolution pad. Do you want me to send another photo showing this? [WE DIDN'T REPLY BUT HE SENT IT ANYWAY, 16 MINUTES LATER]

Here's an image of the CDi pad "open".

Closed (left) and open. Not really very much the same as the Nintendo Revolution controller thing, but thanks for writing in anyway, Michael! you have no idea how grateful we are for the little distraction of getting an email. Each "bing" is like a ray of sunshine that temporarily lifts the Shadows from our soul and makes us put the knife down!

Despite being quite old, we remember virtually nothing about the Philips CDi. This is because when it came out we instinctively knew there was no need to remember anything about it because it was clearly doomed. This freed up valuable brain space for remembering early 1990s pop lyrics instead, such as all the words to 'Insanity' by Oceanic and 'Naked in the Rain' by Blue Pearl.

OTHER THINGS FROM OUR CHILDHOOD WE DIDN'T BOTHER REMEMBERING ANYTHING ABOUT:

- The Commodore CD32
- The cartridge-based C64
- The other CD-ROM thing Commodore did that we don't think even came out
- The FM Towns Marty
- Amstrad stuff
- What uncle Steve used to do to us in bed

It's 10:55am and people are STILL standing around monitors pointing and laughing at the photos of it.





"And when I press this, the Anal Love Bullet starts vibrating"

Write a 'comedy' games site? Need a Revolution controller joke right now? We've saved you the effort and the 30 seconds it takes for Photoshop to load up, simply cut-and-paste one of these hilarious images to your site and be the funniest person on the internet. Hurry up though, there'll be at least 4357 similar jokes appearing online in the next 20 minutes.

This is an Arm Holdings promotional photograph, because Arm Holdings did some of the technical stuff inside GBA. They made some of the "silicon chips" that make the graphics work, sources close to Arm Holdings have exclusively confirmed to us today.

This photo might also be taken from the cover of a book entitled 'How To Lure Children Back To Your House So You Can Have Sex With Them' but suggesting that would be super-libellous and against the law, even on the internet.



Awesome staring eyes, tangible sense of menace. We spend ages practising this look in the mirror, but for some people it's a natural gift. Click on the picture to download it as a convenient 1024x768 desktop image. We're confident there has never been a better promotional photograph than this.

AND WHAT IS NEO_KITTY DOING TONIGHT?
She's off out dogging with Neil.

Hold on to the edge of your bedsit's sofabed, it's...



A wireless controller for PlayStation2! The exclamation mark we've used there is a sham. Oh dear, it's like they've Photoshopped "SEGA" over where it used to say "Joytech".

Oh, OK then -- we'll have sex with you all. But you'll have to come up with a rota. There's only three of us here and Ensign Teela can't get erections any more due to gender confusion issues. Wear something nice, this is the sort of thing we like.

Meet the frighteningly large-headed Liv Brent, who MUST be really into games because she's holding a controller -- the right way up AND with her fingers on the triggers!



Liv and her AMAZING HUGE HEAD will be presenting something about games called "Sci Gamer" on the Sci-Fi channel. It will almost certainly have "comedy" features and will get axed after one series. We've seen it happen too many times.

Click here to have Liv's AMAZING ONE-DIMENSIONAL HEAD fill your entire screen.

We had to turn up sober to work this morning to raise the two quid necessary to buy this game, so let nobody say we don't suffer for our art.

Blimey! It's a game about Japanese girls... IN SPACE! This just proves that our so-called Japanese friends are keeping all the good stuff to themselves.

The gameplay revolves around having a large number of girls in the fridge. You get them out, look at them for a bit then put them back in the fridge again. You can watch FMV and pretend that you're playing Kriss Kross: Make My Video on the Mega-CD again, but mostly it's all about the fridge.

It's still rubbish though. Maybe if we knew more about Morning Musume (apart from the fact that one of them is cross-eyed and one has spazzy teeth) then the experience would be better for us. This is worse than when they made that movie about vampire goth girls in tight leather fighting warewolves in Matrix style bullet time, and it STILL sucked.

It's going to be REALLY awkward when we inevitably meet them at some UbiSoft industry event now, but we'd be letting you down if we didn't pass comment on the UK wing of entirely fabricated girl gaming clan the Frag Dolls.

SO HERE GOES!

1. Voodoo!



She's obviously first. Look! Scroll up and look! She's got lovely big brown eyes like a cow, and that's not an insult because we love cows. We know two men that are already obsessed with her having met her at preliminary Frag Dolls events, and for this reason we should probably put her last, seeing as we're realists and know there's no point pursuing Miss Lovely, but... SHE HAS SUCH BIG BROWN EYES :(


2. Lucky!



She's like a quite ordinary nice girl who's spent twice as long as usual doing her make-up this morning, probably because she's going to the pub with her male work colleagues after work tonight and wants to try and have sex with one of them. If we were one of her male work colleagues, we'd certainly buy her triples without telling her in order to get her drunk enough to agree (or not be able to say no) to doing the sort of things we like to do to women!


3. Sarin!



This one's all right. Given that this is probably the first time she's ever been told how to stand for a photo, she's doing an OK job. God know why she's called herself Sarin though. Sarin is a poisonous nerve gas the Nazis and Saddam Hussein liked to use. She must have body image issues if she thinks she's that bad.


4. Kitt!



Not really. That said, though, at the launch party for Ghost Recon: Whatever Part 3's Called, when we've already had eight double vodka cranberries before we even got there, we'd probably try our patented pulling technique out on her (this involves staring at girls from quite far away, then hoping they come over and talk to us about games or the internet because they noticed us staring at them. Currently we're at 0 for 278 with this technique, so it's bound to work soon).


5. DISQUALIFIED: Jam!



We've put Jam last because we kind of, sort of, half know her a bit, having been made to meet her in a gay bar with lots of weird Goths once, so admitting to wanting to have sex with her (or not wanting to have sex with her at all) would make things even more awkward than they already are (and at the moment they're already as awkward as carrying a fridge up some stairs on your own when only allowed to touch the fridge with your feet and the stairs with your face). That said, we'd *RESISTING REALLY HARD, HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE THROUGH GRITTED-TEETH SMILEY FACE*

SUMMARY:
It's out of our hands.

GHOSTBUSTERS IS OUT ON MOTHERFUCKING UMD! Prepare for the downfall of society as no work gets done again EVER. From now on, if you EVER see us doing anything apart from telling the boss we're going to go down to stores to cross-check last week's inventory in order to go hide in the toilet with a pair of Elektroplankton headphones to watch Walther Peck get covered in marshmallows then THAT'S NOT US. Unless we're doing the same in order to watch Bruce Boxleitner play a life or death game of pong with a fat man in tights.

"Darling, there was a little bit of plastic stuck in your PlayStation. I got it out for you and threw it away"

It took us a while, but we actually managed to lower the bar to somewhere beneath the Earth's crust.

Ahh, lovely Seaman. For six months in 2001 the talking fish was our best friend and pretty much the only thing we spoke to on a daily basis.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A FRIEND AGAIN!!!



The only people who should be panicking at this news is Sega's shareholders.




We're no experts in Japanese, but this image would appear to hint that Seaman 2 will come with its own controller and is going to be 42 something. Maybe it will cost 42 pounds, or have 42 characters, or use 42 channels for the sound. The stick layout is also a bit like a Dreamcast's and the one that came with PS2 Seaman years ago. Pictures really do speak lots of words!




Let's go and see what's at www.seaman.tv together right now!




SHIT! THERE'S LOADS OF STUFF! It's like Sega is still making quirky games for only 1000 people in the whole world to buy again! It's like being young and not having knees that always hurt again! Let's all be temporarily happy, before the numbing, miserable depression of everyday life sets in again. Yep, there it is. Stupid games. Stupid internet. Stupid exclamation marks. Stupid everything.

"n/t"

But here's a nice screenshot of Sonic with sunglasses on his head. Yuji Naka obviously wasn't paying attention to what hedgehogs are actually like when he went to that hedgehog sanctuary the other day.



Maybe the Japanese have only just started the trend of wearing sunglasses on their heads, so this doesn't seem so rubbish to them?

OTHER 'COOL' THINGS SONIC MIGHT DO IN 'SONIC RIDERS'

- Slam dunks!
- Chill out at McDs!
- Bust radical air!
- DJing! (mixing, scratching, wearing headphones on only one ear etc)
- Tag some billboards with his graffiti!
- Wheelies!
- Complete a Rubik Cube in 30 seconds!
- Breakdancing moves at the end of a level!
- Ask Tails to throw his hands in the air like he just don't care!
- Cut his arms while listening to Joy Division and drinking SPAR vodka!

But we're going to upload an image of it anyway, because it'll make the bloke who keeps emailing us about robot games happy.



And uploading images of new games is a lot easier than facing our erotic Virtua Tennis fan fiction, which isn't going that well and now won't be debuting until at least Monday due to erotic fan fiction writer's block. That's what happens when you write the ending first.

Because bandwidth just doesn't matter at a time like this!!

New Sonic 1
New Sonic 2
New Sonic 3
New Sonic 4

"Unparalleled sense of speed" also promised!

SEGA REINVENTS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG EXPERIENCE FOR NEXT-GENERATION VIDEO GAME PLATFORMS

Gaming Icon to Celebrate 15th Year on PS3 and Xbox 360

SAN FRANCISCO & LONDON (September 9, 2005) - SEGA of America, Inc. and SEGA Europe Ltd. today announced the development of a brand new Sonic title, Sonic The Hedgehog, intended for the PLAYSTATION3 (PS3) computer entertainment system and the Xbox 360 video game and entertainment system from Microsoft. SEGA hopes the reinvention of this popular franchise will thrill both the long-time Sonic fans as well as a new generation of gamers with the exciting speed and action only possible on next-generation platforms.

Sonic The Hedgehog for PLAYSTATION3 and Xbox 360 will be developed under the direction of Yuji Naka, award-winning developer known for creating the hugely successful SEGA franchise. With an innovative combination of art, physics and game design, SEGA and Mr. Naka expect to create the most intense sensation of speed ever experienced in videogames. Sonic The Hedgehog for next-gen is expected to ship on multiple platforms in conjunction with the character's 15th anniversary in 2006.

"Sonic The Hedgehog represents the most recognizable example of classic SEGA properties that we will recreate for the PLAYSTATION3 and Xbox 360," said Naoya Tsurumi, CEO of SEGA of America, Inc. and SEGA Europe Ltd. "When Sonic The Hedgehog debuted on the SEGA Genesis in 1991, he reinvented the action-platform genre with speed and attitude. By harnessing the power of these new platforms, we are confident that Sonic will once again raise the bar for action gaming in 2006 and beyond."

"We are proud to re-create our famous friend, Sonic, for a new generation of gamers on PLAYSTATION3 and Xbox 360," said Yuji Naka, R&D Creative Officer, SEGA Corporation. "With Sonic The Hedgehog, we have gone back to our starting point, more than 15-years ago, to reinvent the attitude and speed that made our hero a legend. The 'rebirth of Sonic' will offer an unparalleled sense of speed that is only possible using the processing power afforded by the new systems."

Sonic and his friends are among the most recognizable icons in video games. Since his birth 14 years ago, Sonic The Hedgehog has spanned several generations of video game systems, appearing in over 30 games that have sold more than 38 million units of software. Consistently a top-selling franchise, Sonic The Hedgehog continues to be a popular icon worldwide in 2005 and one of the most recognized and celebrated video game characters of all time. SEGA has decided not to announce product, or release details at this time.

Finally HE has come to take us away from all this!









There is nothing cynical or satirical to say about THAT.

Floor plans, that is:



Just think -- one of those is Japanese for Sega!

TGS 2005 floor plan

The Matthew Smith legend is an enduring mystery steeped in the misguided joy of our youths. Mum! Mum! Doctor Who's starting! No, I can't get out of the bath, I haven't got a warm towel! Here's a rundown of the current rumour mill regarding our Matt, in order of ridiculousness.

1) Matt made a lot of money from the Jet Set Willy games and doesn't want to be found.

2) Matt never existed. The name "Matthew Smith" was merely a clever codeword for the Tandy computers upon which the games were conceptualised.

3) Matt made his fortune from the games then spazzed it all on dangerous substances and ended up on the funny farm for good.

4) Matt had a nervous breakdown from cash problems, and now lives in a Norwegian squat rebuilding his life with the proceeds he makes from his new life as a bicycle repair man.

5) Matt is alive, healthy, working in a mediocre software-related job and trying to avoid all the cunts who have made it their holy war to remind him how old he is.

6) Matt made a terrible game on a terrible computer that people are still talking about.


Oh, well. There's another mystery of life placed on a barrel and crushed by a comedically long foot. Be here next week when we reveal that Gunpei Yokoi, Richie from The Manics and Dumbledore are all still alive, they just hate you.

Please find attached a couple of scans showing young, lifestyle branded metrosexuals holding PSPs. These pics were part of an SCEE-paid special supplement that came with the latest issue of German trade magazine "MIM - Medien Insight Multimedia" (http://www.mpnow.de) regarding the upcoming European PSP launch.

Cheers,
Superfrog

Does anyone want to buy a PSP and a soiled copy of Lumines?

For this game you will need two players, each with their own internet connection, plus some strong alcohol of the kind that really wreaks hell on your breath. Both players must roll a dice and then race to read as many sites featuring the words "Industry," "Journal," "Lifestyle" and so forth to find an article or post whose first paragraph contains the following.

Roll 1: A sweeping statement written as if it were fact. Example: "The Koreans have long been a nation of animal lovers."

Roll 2: Speaking as if talking about video games made you some kind of philosophical luminary or something. Example: "We have long considered to validity of the video game as art."

Roll 3: The writer appointing themselves as the spokesman for an entire demographic, culture or issue. Example: "Gamers such as we have long been disappointed in this area."

Roll 4: A thoroughly preposterous inference of credit. Example: "Following our mention in the last issue that we went to Torremolinos on holiday once, Technos have unveiled a new fighting game set in Spain."

Roll 5: A completely subjective opinion which precedes the full text as if it were a bald statement of fact. Example: "SNK have long been considered a poor relation to Capcom."

Roll 6: A completely unnecessary quotation.

The player who takes longer over the search has to dodge into the company toilets and take a drink. The game then continues, and the overall loser is the first person to receive a written warning.

In the event of a tiebreaker the players must compete to see who can invent the most ludicrous claim to credit in a single sentence. Our best so far is "Sony engineered the PSP's disastrous performance on purpose because we started saying that we like it." You can't use that one, though, because we're still not sure if it's true or not.

Ja, das PlayStation Portable ist ein SEHR HARDCORE spiele consolen!!



What a cock. It's also a LIFESTYLE gaming device, popular with people like DJs and cool men in bands who wear ironic sunglasses indoors.




These photos are from the Swedish PSP launch party, which, in strict keeping with national stereotypes, featured women with their tits out. We love liberal Europeans and are especially fond of their tits. They were probably off their tits after visiting one of Stockholm's notorious 'Heroin Cafes'.

FANTASTICHE UBERHARDCORE PISS PARTY PHOTGRAFEN HABEN, JA?
Which translates as "more here".

This ISN'T FAIR. When we used to tell girls we liked staying at home and playing Virtua Tennis on Dreamcast, they used to look slightly confused, then say they needed the toilet then disappear and never come back.

NOT ONCE did they ever lift one of their legs up, smile, grab the box and pull their shoulders back so we could see their tits better.



We were born five years too early :(

JONATHAN WEINBERG PROBABLY GOT AT LEAST A BLOW JOB, A FREE PSP AND A PRESS TRIP TO SOMEWHERE LIKE LOS ANGELES OUT OF ALL THIS:

The Sun's shameful PSP whoring

And if you want to be as popular with the ladies as Virtua Tennis here, you might want to head over to The Sun's Page 3 PSP page (although you might not, seeing as it costs ONE POUND to download some small pictures of tits).

The link is safe for work, unless you live in a really strict Islamic country where women are only allowed to live under burning tarpaulins.



Where were you SLAGS when Dreamcast was out, eh? We might have to incorporate this sexy scene into our Virtua Tennis fan fiction. We've currently written 886 HOT EROTIC words of it, including the final sex scene. There's still time to email in if you'd like to be in it.

This week is dedicated to the things that are left to do only when you get SO bored that you look at them and say to yourself "Well... it's either this or fuck the dog."

DAY 1 - MS PAINT YOUR OWN VIRTUA TENNIS PORN



Look, you can see her pubes and everything. And there she is giving Warwick Davies a hand job (or Verne Troyer, whichever one's shilling Gizmondo this week).

Thanks to all the UKR FORUM CUNTS for making this week's Comedy Wankcry happen! If you want to join up and contribute to our weekly features, fill out the online form and send us ten quid via paypal. Forum Cunt status gives you search features, removes your popup ads and confers access to one of the strongest moderated forums on the internet. Plus our servers aren't full of plankton and dead coloured people.

All very exciting, even though Sega's new Lindbergh arcade machine sounds like something you could pick up from PC World for 399 quid.



A new machine thing from Sega! Imagine how easy it's going to be to emulate these games in a few years time, seeing as they're already running on a P4 PC! This is absolutely nothing like the spec of Xbox 360, so it isn't based on Xbox 360 like lots of people guessed just because HotD4 comes in widescreen. Oops.




House of the Dead 4. We'd still prefer a new Virtua Cop, but let's not start being all negative about it already before it's even out.




Obviously Virtua Tennis 3 has been in development for several years, since back when Henman used to be good. Having Tim Henman still in the game is like having Geoff Hurst in FIFA still. No, wait, it's like FIFA having Paul Ince or Peter Shilton in it, or someone else half-decent who never actually won anything important.




New Afterburner. We can take or leave this. 3D flying games have been the same since whenever it was Sega invented them, so, you know, shinier planes. Wow.




Psy Phi, some sort of game from Yu Suzuki. We don't know what type at all, and all Babelfish can come up with is "In addition, the operation impression of utilizing the function only of touch panel until now proposes the place tile which is not e.g., it puts out special attack by the fact that the figure is drawn on the picture and divides" and "Lindbergh's function was pulled out, description of the shooting which is beautiful expression and force like the fireworks which glitter to the night sky became possible" -- which would appear to hint that it uses a touch-screen.




As long as Sarah Bryant still has those only five moves we know, we'll be happy!




We're now going to start calling Dreamcast "Hindenburg" in honour of its fiery death that killed off a great line of awesome machines.

SPOT THE OMISSION?
The only game that's NOT featured here from Sega's E3 behind-the-scenes-and-subsequently-leaked-all-over-the-internet showreel is the new Sonic The Hedgehog game. We're prepared to bet our plush Ulala (mint, with tag) on it being announced for Xbox 360 in around a week at the Tokyo Game Show.

Go Team USA! It's like their Princess Diana, or another 9/11 only this time about water. We love assisting in relief. If we had our way, we'd spend every day issuing relief to ourselves, and others. And we know what they mean -- some days it really is an effort.

"Bungie Studios and the Bungie Store will be donating at least $15 from each shirt sold which will go straight to the Red Cross and directly to the disaster relief. Everything you can do to help will make a difference"



They've had the fire disaster, now the water one, which must mean an ice catastrophe is next for poor America.

Fight the Flood T-Shirt - Bungie Store

The puppy one MUST be ironic. It must. It has to be. PLEASE.









NEXT WEEK: *German* ones of PSP which are 10000 times worse!

Don't moan that we've started liking something by Sony. If it's OK for Sega to start liking Sony's PSP, it's OK for you to like it too!

Try it. Maybe start by liking something easy, like a Sony radio or a Sony television -- picking the badge off it might help -- then move up into games consoles. It won't mean you love Sega any less, just like when mummy got a new daddy who was really good at DIY. You still loved your old daddy just as much even though he seemed like less of a man and was always crying.



Look, Sega likes PSP so much it's made Virtua Tennis for it. Playing Virtua Tennis will make you feel safe again! What's that, mum? Dinner's ready?! Life is great again and you're 100 percent in control!




It's really nice to play Virtua Tennis again. You know people that smoke? You know how if they go for ages without smoking (like 20 minutes, the moaning fucks), then smoke something, they seem to think it feels really great to be smoking again? PLAYING VIRTUA TENNIS AGAIN AFTER FIVE YEARS IS REALLY LIKE THAT FEELING!!!




It's also like getting back on heroin after months of ropey methadone (sorry, mum, we had to sell your TV and cooker). It feels right and reminds you that you've been putting up with pale imitations for the last five years.




This is a photo of our World Tour character. She's like a podgy Cheryl Tweedy. All we did was change her hair. It's like Sega KNOWS our type of girls is podgy Cheryl Tweedys. Sega knows us SO WELL :)




We've got an idea for some Virtua Tennis fan fiction. It starts as we manage to get a DREAM JOB working for Sega! But things go badly after we're caught stealing games to sell on eBay and we get demoted and made to work in the 'motion capture' room. Everybody hates the motion capture room, because it's too hot and is really boring work. But then Sega announces Virtua Tennis World Tour 2, and signs Maria Sharapova to be in it! Maria then comes to the office to be... MOTION CAPTURED!

She has to wear a tight, black mo-cap costume, and it's really, really hot and sweaty in the studio. We end up opening a bottle of wine and one thing leads to another in the heat of the studio, we have sex for a bit in all three sex positions then the story ends with us spunking on Maria's tits and tummy. Really loads of it, too. If you'd like us to write it up properly, let us know and we will. Everyone who emails in gets to feature in the story as a guest star!