UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
A man has kept this. The tin says it is best eaten before 1995, although if you're after any sort of nutrition it's probably best not eaten at all.


Sonic HP pasta shapes!

THE SLIGHTLY CONFUSING EMAIL: "First of, this was once british HP sauce and not that crap you find in tesco budget sauce so it tasted awesome, it was just tomato sauce and pasta, thats it!! it says it got no E ingredientes so happly give it to your kids. The shapes of the pasta where: Sonic, chopper, batbrain, orbinaut, ball hog, sally acorn - no tails even though he's on the front cover of the damn tin. Muzzymon."


Sonic HP pasta shapes!

Beautiful artwork, so much better than the US version. Really captures the essence of Sonic 1 and makes you proud to live in a country that feeds its children on licensed pasta snacks.
These are the weird things Sonic has been spotted doing recently. We've been saving some of these for nearly a year, although, looking at them now, it wasn't particularly worthwhile.


Do do do do-do-do (Starlight Zone)

Sonic was spotted fronting a back street karaoke bar in Japan.


Copyright theft

"Hey, this is from a health food store window in London, Ontario, in Canada. You guys rejected my request on Xbox Live but you must get a lot anyways. But I'll let you know once I get my Live account up and running again. Hope you like the pic."




This is Sonic, spotted breakdancing at the French 'Micromania Game Show'. It will be taken off YouTube by the time you read this, as that's what always happens.






These are of Sonic, spotted endorsing a Meccano rip-off building contest in Stockholm! Thanks for the photos, man from Stockholm.




Some nice Sonic graffiti, upon which a heartless vandal has drawn on a very small penis.


Sonic/Shadow/bitches

This final photo of Sonic and his bitches concludes today's list of weird things Sonic has been spotted doing recently. Chicks are hot for animals that are into Meccano and breakdancing, apparently.

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Sometimes the simple ones are the best.


Tomb Raider beachy playtime

Tomb Raider beachy playtime

We've already managed two over the top one and are saving the second one for the evening session.

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A bunch of boring old feminists have been getting all angry about these Indian PlayStation2 adverts, what with their disrespectful attitude toward women.


PS2 ads from India

If there's one thing we really hate it's sexism, particularly when combined with a family activity such as, say, video games.


PS2 ads from India

This MUST be a joke, though? Even the currently LUNATIC Sony surely wouldn't stoop this low? Although the site hosting the ads seems legitimate and serious and not like the sort of site fooled by fakes.


PS2 ads from India

Some proper web site ought to send these PS2 adverts to Sony and ask for a comment on their authenticity. If they are real, that's the massive Sony scandal taken care of for this week.
Thankfully, one of our readers has such low standards of food hygiene he's had this grimy gem in a cupboard since 1991.


Sadly, Daddies Sauce is DISGUSTING

WHERE IT CAME FROM: "Here is a picture of a Sonic the Hedgehog Daddies Tomato Sauce bottle I've had at the back of my cupboard since 1991. I've been meaning to send you guys this picture for ages. Best wishes, Mr Jakeway."


Some sort of joke about 'Daddy's Sauce'

The product was withdrawn from sale in 1992, following complaints that several children were traumatised by seeing Sonic leaking 'blood' from a sizable head wound.


OTHER SONIC-RELATED PRODUCT UPDATES:
  • The Tails bathtime wanking lube
  • The Sonic single man food

  • Please send more. It's important that this kind of utter rubbish is saved as a warning to future generations about overly whoring out and devaluing their brands.
    ...and took some photos of the TV screen. There's no better sign of being an insane lunatic stalker than taking a photo of something on the TV.

    It would also appear he has "Sky plussed it" for repeated viewing. We would all do well to learn from this example.


    Emily Booth's last-known TV appearance before she mysteriously disappeared

    THE EMAIL: "I was flicking round a few TV channels the other day and spotted Emily Booth on xleague.tv. I took a few photos, thinking that you might appreciate them seeing as you've not done an update on her in AGES.

    THIS IS WHERE IT GETS FRIGHTENING: "Then, while looking through them, I noticed that if you took the two that I've sent to you and had them alternating in some sort of animated GIF, that it could be used by the entire nation as an aid to all the celebratory wanking going on these days, what with the downfall of Sony etc. Sorry I didn't do the aforementioned GIF myself but I'm crap at computers. Cheers, Gary".


    She's holding up well

    We have emailed XLEAGUE.TV with a request for an interview with Emily. Hopefully she is not aware of who we are and what we have done about her in the past, and will agree.
    Er... this one's by Captain Jax. This might seem like an in-house UKR stitch up, but it's not. Check out Mini II. It's amazing.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Skills. The official UKR Mini. If you want this design, leave a comment on this post and, if you're lucky, Mr Jax will sort you out. Or sell you one for a million credits.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    We have copped out and chosen two winners, as this car's frankly awesome too. Totally custom Spiel Macht Frei font work, nice colours, just all-round amazing. Again, feel free to use the Comments bit to arrange deals. As we don't have a forum.
    Well done, these men. Your talents at warping squares and circles have assured you a place in history. Your patience and dilligence shall be remembered, and recorded within the Google archive for future generations to stumble across while looking for pornography.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Nice deep red. Goes well with the black. We're not art critics, but that's one shit-hot-looking car.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Another one by Captain Jax, refining his design skills - and still not his highest placing. We're not sure how to handle distribution of these cars, by the way, so it's probably best to negotiate deals yourselves in the Comments bit.
    These are the ones that are very, very good, but still aren't the best or the winners. More to come. Probably tomorrow now, as it's getting late and if we spend any more time on the internet today we will BECOME THE INTERNET.

    And if we become the internet that means we'll have to spend all day looking at ourselves instead of Asian teens.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Captain Jax's first Mini. It's nice, but Mini II blows it away.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Another cool car, but you're not winning anything, Mr Default Font User.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Nice. Hard to hate.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Jon M's Blue Sky car. Nice cloud work.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Very nice, and particularly well posed photos. But you just wait until whenever it is we bother uploading the rest.
    These are the "distant runner up" cars that aren't the winners. They're nice and the effort is definitely appreciated, but we got some better ones in. Sorry about that. We are especially sorry if you sent the design in on a nicely modified car, too.

    We understand if the submitters of the below designs feel the need to sign up an anonymous Blogger account and call us cocks in the Comments bit.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    This one's quite poor. It's hardly about UKR at all. Where does all that blue-green come from? And the wavy lines? When's UKR ever been about blue/green wavy lines?


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    This has a certain Soviet-era simplicity to it. It was good, and the first attempt at doing Sonic - but then we got some better ones.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    This one's good. It was one of the first and looked like being a winner for a while. But isn't, as we got some better ones later. Which was a relief.


    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Forza 2 car compo winners

    Yes, very funny, covered in Microsoft finger prints JUST LIKE OUR BOTTOMS. This one's just insolent. We'll have those better ones later today.
    You there. Round the back with the camera. You're up to something and it's not what the event organisers intended.

    Don't say you're not up to something. We are pretty much always up to something and can spot it in others in a flash.


    A man, up to something

    But seeing as you've gone and done it, you may as well email us the shots. Particularly the ones of the girl number two. At the original resolution.
    Hopefully this is an actual miracle, and isn't just viral marketing for Xbox Live Arcade Pac-Man. Although putting a crisp in a packet and hoping someone finds it and does some news about it is hopeful at best.


    The Pac-Man crisp has returned to save us from our crisp-stuffing

    THE HOLY FINDER OF THE CRISP SPEAKS: "I ate some crisps today, and one of them looked a little bit like Pac-Man mid-chomp. So I took a picture and sent it to you in a pointlessly high resolution, as the summer's coming and you might need something for a really slow news day. The crisps were "McCoys Jackets" and were Melted Cheese and Ham flavour, but they tasted more of fat and MSG. The Pac-Crisp tasted the same as the others. Jim".
    At this rate, PS3's going to struggle to catch up with Gizmondo's global install base, let alone Xbox 360 and Wii's.
    JAPANESE HARDWARE SALES, WEEK ENDING JUNE 10
    DS: 117,228
    Wii: 64,529
    PSP: 24,711
    PS2: 11,097
    PS3: 8,776
    360: 2,533
    GBA: 799
    NGC: 167

    AMERICAN HARDWARE SALES, MAY 2007
    DS: 423,150
    Wii: 338,278
    PSP: 221,120
    PS2: 187,765
    360: 154,932
    PS3: 81,604
    GBA: 80,554
    NGC: 10,728

    Here are some amazingly hi-res photos of a woman wearing a Ninja Gaiden costume to assist your celebratory wank. We suggest a simultaneous, global climax at 01:30 hours on Sunday, June 17:


    Ninja Gaiden Rachel, or at least a close approximation





    *celebratory wank*

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    Here's an email we got, including hi-res digital photos and well labeled captions for each picture. It also included a scene-setting introductory paragraph. It is the exact kind of email that makes updating the site more fun - ie, it makes updating the site take only two minutes.

    THE SCENE-SETTING INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPH:
    "Just to add to the SEGA isn't dead theme, thought I'd send you pics of an even bigger SEGA place in Okayama, Joypolis. Just think! It'll look like SEGA is in the middle of its glory days or something if there are two whole updates about it."




    "Look how big it is! It has arcades, bowling and karaoke, all with Sonic! (best to ignore a large part of it is restaurants). Look at the red archway you drive under to the parking area! It says Joyful Town! And if you look closely at the Joypolis sign it says..."




    "...Legend of SEGA! Don't know what Dendo for Amusement means though."




    "Look! Sonic is everywhere! Big signs on the wall! Small signs on the street! Sonic Karaoke promises hip hop, reggae, soul, rock, jazz and techno. Even better, inside they had the best version of OutRun possible..."




    "...it's four cars next to each other, with two steering wheels so you can play with a friend if you have one. There are cameras in your car which show your faces up on the screen, but as you can tell, only one weird looking guy was playing it by himself."




    "I actually played this with a 'girl' and it is great. The control switches every so often so it's exciting, and later you can laugh about how much fun it was while touching her arm to associate good feelings with you in her mind. Finally they had..."




    "...SEGA Driving School! Although if the standard of driving is anything to go by it just teaches you to pull out in front of cars while deliberately not looking in their direction and pretending you haven't seen them."

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    Sony America has started a PlayStation "blog" and it is allowing people to leave "comments".


    This PlayStation blog is a great idea! Love from UKR xx

    Let's hope nothing bad happens.

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    Sadly it doesn't show Sony sacrificing a goat at the altar to please the 'Sales Figures God'.




    "Turned into a computerised scene of mass murder"

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    We were slightly worried when we saw the headline "Church Calls for Resistance Ban" but it's nothing to do with us, oh no. It's Sony again. Now the Lord Jesus is pissed off that they have used one of his places of worship - Manchester Cathedral, in their disappointing and under-achieving launch title Resistance: Fall of Man. "I think they are going to be in for a surprise because we are not going to let this one go," said Canon Paul Denby, Manchester Cathedral Subdean and Administrator. We don't know what plan of action the world's 2.1 billion Christians have in mind but it should be an easy fight against only 300 million PlayStation owners. We asked Jesus for a comment but he was too busy playing Gears of War.

    MORE LINKS, FOR THE PURPOSES OF RUBBING IT IN:
  • The Sun Online - News: Playstation bloodbath is 'sick'

  • Church threatens legal action over PS3 game

  • Church of England calls Sony computer game sacrilegious

  • Church of England Calls Sony Game 'Sick'

  • Cathedral row over video war game

  • Cathedral shootout game under fire - CNN.com

  • Church of England Calls Sony Game 'Sick'

  • Church legal threat over 'sick and sacrilegious' PlayStation game set in Manchester

  • Church attacks Sony over video game
  • Labels:

    We don't often bother with reviews as they're a lot of effort and words, plus most games are so boring they don't deserve any free publicity and the most fun we get from them is putting them straight on Ebay.

    But once every year or so something comes along that stops us playing Virtua Tennis and is actually worth the money games cost.


    Forza 2

    We thought we'd got bored of racing games, but it turned out we hadn't - we'd just got bored of waiting for PGR3 to load.


    Forza 2

    On paper, Forza 2's the most boring game in the world. It's cars, tracks, loads of modding options, painting options, tuning options and the sort of screens we usually don't ever bother looking at, apart from by accident when we're trying to work out how to put it all on Easy.


    Forza 2

    But it's not boring. It's the least-boring driving game since OutRun2.


    Forza 2

    This is mainly because of the car-painting section, which even artistically retarded people like us can use to make the cars look awesome.


    Forza 2

    This has taken four hours so far. The car designing feature is utterly amazing, although you need to spend more hours than there are to make anything good. The text tool, for example, only lets you put on one letter at a time. So much as we'd like to do a SPIEL MACHT FREI design, we not going to bother. Even doing "UK RESISTANCE" would result in getting bored and stopping after just the "U" and the "K".


    Forza 2

    This is the best we can manage. For some examples of what proper people can do when bothered, go over to the forums at Forzamotorsport.net where some good people have really tried hard.


    Forza 2

    This is what a good person has done. Staggering. When doing something else, like watching TV, shopping or what passes as work, all we can think about is getting back to Forza 2 and making a pretty car. It's the biggest obsession we've had since Anna Kournikova's bottom.


    Forza 2

    If you're good at art and stuff AND can be bothered, please can you design a UKR-themed car, or an Idiot Toys-themed car, and gift it to us. We'll do an update about it, or if more than one person bothers, we'll do an update about them. If you're not "scene" enough to know our Gamertag, mail in and ask.


    Forza 2

    Here's something about what the graphics are like, for the benefit of our German readers: 60fps. Very pretty. Very smooth. People moaning about what Forza 2 looks like are idiots, as it's all really pretty. Even the menus are nice, well laid out and nothing like the awkward mess of Forza 1.


    Forza 2

    This update reads like an advert :(


    Forza 2

    The game comes with some free music for listening to while painting your car and waiting for things to load. It's really good music, all electronic stuff you wouldn't expect a bunch of Americans to put in a racing game. There is no Bryan Adams and we are yet to come across "Song 2".


    Forza 2

    We have no idea who any of the bands are, due to being really out of touch with youth culture. However, it has made us realise that perhaps some new music is good after all and maybe we shouldn't only ever listen to the Pet Shop Boys.


    Forza 2. Too many to alt-caption individually :(

    Suzuka. Forever remembered as a Ferrari F355 track. Finally, nearly ten years later, games are starting to look a bit better than Dreamcast ones.


    Forza 2

    A SERIOUS BAD POINT: It's hard getting online races to work. Really hard. In six attempts last night we connected to zero games, and just got error messages about the game not existing any more even though you could actually see it.


    Forza 2

    A SERIOUS THOUGHT: It's odd that even now the best example of online gaming is still Project Gotham Racing 2. Why is it that new games still can't do lobbies as good as or better than PGR2's? This is the sort of serious, deep thought we occasionally have, before going back to thinking about who would win in a sex fight between Ulala and Betty Boo and if it's wrong to have toast for dinner again tonight.


    Forza 2

    We have more screenshots of it than things to say.


    Forza 2

    Oh yes. The car Auction House is brilliant, and you can see it on your PC on the game's web site. This is clever.


    Forza 2

    There are lots of races and cars.


    Forza 2

    It is nice.


    Forza 2

    Basically, we like Forza 2 as much as Virtua Tennis 3, which makes it only the second game this year we've played through choice in the evenings. This must mean it's at least a 9/10.

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    We got sent these photos of a huge SEGA chair. A man found it, bought it, restored it, loves it because it's weird and by SEGA and now wants to know a little bit more about it.

    This is where you come in, as despite all our "fronting" we actually know next to nothing about stuff like this and are mostly just pretending to like it all for something to do.




    It is a hydraulically operated joystick chair, with the seat moving when you wiggle the massive stick. Apparently it was made by SEGA AM7, presumably during the early-to-mid-90s Golden Era when SEGA spunked money away on glorious follies such as this, therefore earning the adoration of a generation.




    EXPLANATION: "This joypad is a size of a double seater and it is mounted on hydraulics. When you move the joystick, the seat follows the direction by changing the angle. You can move it in all six ways. When you turn and hold in position SEGA Joystick: up or down, left or right the sitting part will turn and stay at desired angle. If you use a combination turn: up/left, or up/right, or down/left or down/right, it will turn and bounce back smoothly and continuously at the given angle (feels like sitting in a bouncing lowrider)."




    It would look great in the lounge of any single 33-year-old male with a complete collection of SEGA plushes, who longs for the days SEGA made massive hydraulic things and life wasn't all about SHIT.




    If you can ID it or want to talk to someone who really loves weird SEGA arcade hardware, email Yas and you will almost certainly become friends.

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    #1125: Making a white version of something to appeal to a different demographic, thereby, er, ruling the world:


    The beauty of the White Sega Saturn

    TOMORROW: How SEGA invented the television, sausages, wanking, and was the first company to effectively manufacture French fries in its staff canteen back in 1965.

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    It's that tie again, only this time provided at the sort of photo quality and resolution usually reserved for pictures of the mimsys of 16-year-old East European girls in arty porn:


    A mate of a mate's mate's Sonic tie in Japan at a wedding

    The photo came with a story to do with it being a mate of a mate's mate's wedding and a mate's mate was wearing it and it all happened in Japan. We only speed-read the email, as it was sent in by a man called Colin.

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    Remember this post about some Spanish people who were planning on sending plastic poo to Sony Europe? No, neither do we. It was filler at best. Anyway, they actually went through with it and posted a box full of fake poo to Sony Europe.

    Here's the proof:




    And, seeing as no one believes anything any more unless it's supplied in video format, here is the proof in video format:




    Not entirely sure what's happening, thanks to the Language barrier and the insanity barrier.


    THE ACCOMPANYING LETTER:
    This is a translation of the letter they sent to Sony alongside the box of poo, seeing as it's all in Spanish on the web site:
    Dear Sir or Madam,

    It must be quite hard to open a box and find 45 plastic poos and their corresponding complaints about your company on the inside.

    And so is putting up with the way you have been treating European customers: constant delays, overpriced and underfeatured consoles, and so on.

    Nothing you are not aware of, we believe.

    We at gamerah.com (the videogame website with a highest ratio of atomic lizards per pixel) decided to take one step forward and speak up for your disillusioned customers. We came up with a campaign asking our readers to endorse a plastic poo and have it sent to your office, which you can read here.

    The campaign was a success. It looks like people were expecting a chance to get back at you, and you are holding the (soft) evidence in your hands.

    We are well aware of the fact that both Sony Spain and SCEE have their hands tied in this matter and the legitimate addressees of this letter are those Japanese businesspeople with small hands and twisted hearts over at SCEI. Thus, we encourage you to forward this parcel to your superiors in the land of the rising sun. We did not translate the complaints into Japanese, but alas, they do not seem to be very concerned about localising their games into our languages either. Even so, we believe they will not have much trouble in understanding the basic idea: one could say a box full of plastic poos speaks for itself.

    We hope you do not take this wrong. Having unhappy customers is still much better than having no customers at all. We just feel like broken-hearted, resentful lovers. Most of us have purchased all your consoles and we felt rather let down when the PS3 was finally launched in Europe- perhaps because we had such high expectations about it. To us, booting up your system for the first time was like finding out that the girl of your dreams wears a wig, lacks three front teeth and is actually not a girl, but a male Nintendo fan.

    Receive a cordial greeting from us and our readers.

    Yours faithfully,
    Gamerah.com