"Just hold this while I get the bucket of spunk" "Just hold this while I get the transparent plastic toilet seat" "Just hold this while I find the bit of pipe that goes from his penis to your mouth" "Just hold this while the bath fills up with piss"
1: Fat women tripping over and falling into fountains (14th consecutive year at number one!)
2: Really excited dogs
3: Someone knocking a cup of tea off their desk and it going right in their bag
9,999,998: Dad’s bowel cancer
9,999,999: The new Ricky Gervais sitcom 'Extras'
10,000,000: UK:Resistance circa 2005
A SQUARE PEG IN A WORLD OF ROUND HOLES
By Commander Michael Zorg
- Claudia Christian as L-shaped Girl
- Michael Zorg as Steve Square
Sometimes you feel like you just don't fit in. That pretty orange square over there -- what would she ever see in a stupid old multi-coloured square? Not only a stupid old multi-coloured square, but a useless, rubbish diagonal square that's orange in one corner and grey in the other and doesn't fit into any holes at all!
Oh yes, that's me all right -- Steve Square, the original misfit in the Lumines world. But don't worry about poor old Steve. It's always been like this for me, ever since I was born on the wrong side of the screen. "Just pile the useless diagonal ones over there" says the voice of the Controller, dumping me and the other unwanted diagonals on the far edge while he has fun organising all the prettier and cooler straight-split conventional squares.
Oh yes. Nobody wants us diagonal squares. We're a liability! I tell you, some days I wish I'd never been dropped.
Today was another of those days. Those same days. The uniform squares all piled up together, chaining, having fun, linking together and disappearing in beams of light -- and all us useless diagonals dumped in a messy pile. No one cares about us enough to work us out.
Oh, and here comes another one. Another useless diagonal, getting dumped in the miscellaneous pile and forgotten about until it's Game Over.
No, wait! It's not a diagonal square, it's a different shape! It's a... it's a three of one colour and one of another colour one -- IT'S A GIRL CUBE! And she's coming down my side of the screen!!
Oh, but hang on. What's the point getting excited? Diagonals aren't compatible with other shapes. She'll just get stuck with me until it's Game Over time and she'll hate every second of it.
Here she is now.
"Sorry" she said, as she landed awkwardly beside me.
Wow. What a beautiful square she was. Three orange mini squares and one grey one for a face! Such a sweetie.
"Sorry" she said again, "I didn't mean to touch you. Sorry" she added, as she rotated her pretty grey face further away from me and landed beside me, her beautiful orange side pressing my awkward, mis-matched grey and orange side.
"Oh that's fine, I'm just... waiting" I said, hoping she hadn't noticed my stupid diagonal pattern and how stupid and ugly it looked. She obviously would though. She'd notice and ignore me, waiting for a better all-orange square to dock herself with. They all do. I'm used to it by now. It's the way for all us diagonals.
"Are you... a diagonal?" she asked, without even looking at me to check. She must've noticed my ugly diagonal deformity from the top of the screen -- no, wait -- she'd have noticed it from the Pending Column over on the left before she even got on the screen! That's how stupid and ugly us diagonals look. I bet she was really sad when she got plonked down next to me.
"Um..." there was no denying it, "yes, I'm a diagonal. Are you a..." I paused. What's the word for something that's three of one colour and one of another? Oh my god! What on earth do you call something like that?!
She laughed nervously, like she knew I was struggling and wanted to help me out. "Oh, I'm just a stupid odd shape" she said, "there's not even a name for the shape I am!" she added, rotating her grey square face one rotation away so I couldn't see her lovely single grey square.
"Oh, I don't know" I joked, awkwardly. You're a sort of... L shaped!"
"No, I'm not, I'm a rubbish square with one bit missing. I don't fit in and... and..." she tailed off.
"And what?" I asked.
"And... no other squares ever want to go beside me because I'm all awkward and ugly and don't match!"
And with this the poor little L-shaped girl square started sobbing, as over on the popular side of the screen a whooshing sound emanated from the partying, collapsing neat rows of popular uniform squares.
"Don't cry!" I said, "we're all funny shaped a bit! Look at me! I go orange-grey up one side, then grey-orange up the other! I'm rubbish, me!"
She didn't look at me, she just carried on crying and staring on the ground.
"Look! I'm diagonal! I don't fit in anywhere!" I said, as I rotated one rotation to the right to prove my point, bringing my stupid lopsided grey quarter to the top of my cube nearest L-girl.
The L-shaped girl rotated her grey face upwards one rotation, but still couldn't see me.
"Rotate one step further and look at my stupid, ugly diagonal face!" I shouted!
The L-shaped girl slowly rotated one step further around, bring her grey face square level with my grey corner square. And... OH MY GOD! Her orange lower square matched my orange lower square too! We were... JOINED! Suddenly we matched PERFECTLY! This was like NOTHING THAT HAD EVER HAPPENED BEFORE!
Her grey face square and orange lower body square perfectly matched my grey top-diagonal square and orange bottom-diagonal square! Then another two diagonals fell on top of us making a PERFECT CUBE!!
Light exploded! A whooshing sound filled my ears! Myself and the L-shaped girl became ONE CUBE! Our faces JOINED, in a BEAUTIFUL ARTY WAY not a HORRIBLE HORROR WAY! We existed only as beings of light and evaporated like all the other cubes, freed from the chains of block-based existence and soaring off into the night sky! It was beautiful! We were together, but without the awkwardness of having to speak to each other because we were gaseous beings of light without mouths!
Then we sort of became solid for a while and had sex in all three positions and I spunked on her lower orange square and got some on her upper grey square.
This is EXACTLY what we need more of. Do you even dare to consider the good that could be done if normal people were prone to indiscriminately committing honourable suicide? Imagine getting up in the morning to be greeted by the following headlines:
BILL GATES HANGS SELF OVER UN-BACKLIT SP OUTSELLING XB IN JAPAN
PETER MOLYNEUX CREATES COMPLETELY UN-BUGGED GAME, HANGS SELF FOR RUINING RECORD
(Ha ha, the very idea)
TRIP HAWKINS HANGS SELF ON GENERAL FUCKING PRINCIPLE
JACQUES: "ANYONE WHO LIKES ME CAN COME AND LIVE IN MY HOUSE AND DO MY LAUNDRY FOR ME AND CUT MY TOENAILS AND MAKE ADORABLE LITTLE LUNCHBOXES FOR ME FULL OF LITTLE SONIC THE HEDGEHOGS MADE OUT OF MEATBALLS WITH COCKTAIL STICKS STUCK IN THEM"
Actually, that last one was just a dream we had after eight hours of drinking Diamond White. We know that Sonic's nose would be made out of an anchovy because we experimented with raisins, chocolate chips and those evil little oriental pickles that taste like crap. We were going to send it to Rich, but it went stale in the time we spent staring at it and trying to work up the courage to do it so we threw it out of the window and sat at the kitchen table weeping uncontrollably instead.
'Lumines has "call & response" that lets users feel music with not only ears but eyes and a body. Thus, we could make a game that satisfies physiological feelings such as "feel good" and "fun".'
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW?
Each post .02% worse than the last.
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand.
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass.
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near.
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend.
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny.
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary.
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.