Just ignore the machine gun. This game is for PlayStation owners. They won’t even pick the box up in the shop if it hasn’t got a machine gun on it.

There’s one of Ayane on Sony’s PlayStation Blog Flickr page. She’s only supposed to be 15, apparently, according to Ninja Gaiden “canon”. A couple of things about her look a bit older. A couple of things about her look like 45-year-old northern massage parlour employee. Her tits do. They are big.

Blacked-out windows. Padlock on door. A seemingly innocent scene mirrored in gardens across the country. But the contents list of this shed is not lawnmower, shears, spare garden chair, broken strimmer and dishevelled prostitute – it’s a SEGA RELATED shed.

“Behold my shed painted a ’shit brown’ colour. While most men choose to fill their sheds with tools or a collection of soft porn mags, I have decided to make mine the smallest arcade in the England.”

“Inside sits my stand-up Daytona USA cabinet. I call it ‘Vanessa Feltz’ because it weighs over 200kg. I won’t power it up because that would be too exciting for the average UK Resistance reader.”

“Conforming to UK Resistance rules of getting closer in each photo I have engaged the zoom facility on my camera to show you how much it would be to play if you ever came to my shed. Anyone with less than a pound will be sent away.”

“As you can see I currently have only 40p to my name and cannot afford to play this amazing game. I was hoping other UK Resistance users could spare 60p out of there Jobseeker Allowance/Money they make from selling drugs in a council bedsit/Money they make in prison making postage sacks or whatever it is they do. Thanks” – Rex Everything.

Dan Bull, who did that song about games we did a thing about a while ago, and who may be a #1 in the charts at this very moment thanks to an aggressive internet marketing campaign for all we know about modern music, has recorded a Dreamcast verse for that ‘Generation Gaming‘ rap of his.

And he used the lyrics we wrote. You should’ve said, Dan, and we’d have put a bit more effort into making them rhyme and made it the same length as the other verses so it fitted in better.

Here’s Dan doing our Dreamcast verse.

Thanks, Dan! We’re off to Facebook to become a fan of Dan Bull WITHOUT even having to be asked. How do you like THAT, Richard?

DIRECT DOWNLOAD
If the embedded player doesn’t work or if you want to have a copy of it for when the embedded player inevitably stops working for no apparent reason, the file’s here. We are assuming we are allowed to do this seeing as we’re co-writers on this.

WHAT NEXT FOR THE UKR LYRICS TEAM?
We’re going to pitch a few songs for Kylie’s next album. Even if she says no they might get picked up by Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

But Richard, WE ALREADY ARE. YOU KNOW THIS. WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING?

Hopefully there’s some sort of sick drunken initiation ceremony, involving group games to do with bottoms. There’d better not be any women allowed in this fan club.

Laugh? Cry? Become a vegetarian and move to a bit of the planet that is yet to be TARNISHED by the evil of video games? Start hurting people just for the fun of it as the world is clearly ruined already anyway?

Days since last played a video game – 92.

“Space Michael” was the second best thing he ever did, just behind that dance move where he would stand upright then lean really far forward as if his feet were glued to the ground.

That was miles better than the moonwalk as normal people couldn’t replicate it. It was probably done with wires.

Of all the Dreamcast games, it’s Space Channel 5 that makes us the most sad and confused about why it wasn’t a huge success. Non-frightening assertive female lead, great music, dumbed-down rhythm action, celebrity endorsement – IT WAS JUST VERY FAR AHEAD OF ITS TIME.

Sorry about Michael Jackson. Not that it was our fault in any way, although it’s possible it was the stress of finding out that the UKR user name “Cream The Rabbit” was already taken that did for him in the end.

We’ll probably never know.

What was the truth about this again?

A batch of screenshots purporting to be of “Gran Turismo” on PSP are in circulation. Please don’t be fooled. A man could be tricked into buying a PSP on the strength of fake claims about Gran Turismo. Imagine that.

The fake screenshots look like this. A person or persons pretending to be “Sony” is sending the above images out to web sites and blogs. Even the mighty Kotaku has been taken in by the scam.

The actual game looks more like this, and probably even a bit worse on your fucked up old screen with all the scratches on it from where it’s been slopping about in your little leather school satchel for the last four years. Be vigilant.

It will be just as strong and virile then as it was in 1998, as it is now, and as it always will be. Like the trunk of a mighty oak, the passing of another year will only serve to strengthen and reinforce the legacy of Dreamcast.

“Thought you might be interested in this 30th Dreamcast Birthday card. SEGA must have printed these up in advance because it must’ve thought Dreamcast would be popular enough to make it to its 30th Birthday. Let’s face it should have been, maybe I’ll leave mine under my telly for 30 years so kids in the future can call it a Playstation and then get a slap. Obviously this one was intended for distribution in Europe as it has blue swirls. Regards” – Barry.

Someone seemingly called “Anne” has decided to be the US SEGA Flickr account monitor. This is very handy, as we’ve been sobbing into administrator menus for the last week and don’t care what the updates are about.

There wasn’t an interview. She just sent it in.

ANNE’S FINDINGS:

“There’s a nice shot of spokesperson / random TV host Daisy Fuentes which shows a lot of cleavage here. Large size is here.”

“Apparently she has a new Wii Pilates game coming out. Wikipedia also states that her clothing lines use child labor which she pays 25 cents an hour. Presumably the Wii game developers got paid more, like 35 cents an hour.”

“Apparently SEGA also gave out these “finger bands” from Virtua Tennis 2009.”

“Perhaps these could be used to reduce the strain of a prolonged wanking session? That’s just a guess though because as a woman I of course have no penis to test it on.”

ANNE’S ONLINE JOB APPRAISAL FORM
Anne correctly identified celebrity Daisy Fuentes as an ideal target for UKR update material, also singling out  the “large” format of the picture for easy access. But, with an original upload date of June 11, the ‘material’ isn’t particularly fresh. Going forward, Anne needs to work on her timings to ensure she’s not left behind by the quicker-reacting “aggregator” blogs that will have been all over this three weeks ago. B-