UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Cliffy B was in the UK! The man who has made the stupidest game ever is a pretty sensationally nice chap, even if he has risen to prominence thanks to making meatslabs shout "Holy shit" at each other over the sound of machine gun fire.

Here are some photos from his modelling portfolio, taken in a London hotel. It's incredible to see a man in the video game industry without (a) glasses, (b) a goatee beard or (c) clinical obesity.

The delectable Mr Clifford B

Now, we are not in possession of what you might call a "gaydar," but if we were, it'd be going off by ringing AND vibrating AND flashing bright red right now. That sham marriage of his is not fooling us.

The delectable Mr Clifford B

If we're not very much mistaken, he also has some "product" in his hair - another sensational video game industry first.

The delectable Mr Clifford B

That jumper's probably cashmere. At least $300. It almost certainly does not say "UNREAL II: THE AWAKENING" on the back of it in faded lettering.

The delectable Mr Clifford B

All Cliffy B fans, straight, gay and bi, need to check out his staggering appearance in the "Pets" video series. You will be AMAZED by a man who is both in the video game community AND totally at ease in the presence of women.
It's just three YouTube videos. God knows how people managed to regularly update web sites before YouTube came along.

"The only good thing is the graphics are older Sonic and not newer Sonic, so they got that right at least. It's all about branding and demographics and making the kids happy with their overpriced Orange fuck phones" - Tenno.

"Some time ago, a bit tired of watching so many videos of people playing Mario music on the piano, I made one in which I played all the themes from the game Sonic The Hedgehog. Now Shazomei, another pianist who loves 16-bit Sonic music, has made another in which he plays all the music from Sonic The Hedgehog 2. I hope you enjoy them" - GoriFater.

"I am concerned by your new-found interest in the spiral. Can I point you in the direction of manga and the film "Uzumaki"? It's a cursory tale, warning of this obsession. Basically, everything in some town gets fucked up into a big spiral (sorry if that spoils it for anyone). Yours Faithfully, Gas."
A game called "Pure" has come out today. It's very good, and we're not just saying that because Disney Interactive is one of only two companies in the entire world that bothers sending us review copies of its games. We wouldn't let a guaranteed £30 off eBay in time for next weekend's recreational pharmaceutical shopping cloud our judgement or impartiality in any way.

We're saying that because Pure's an extremely decent update of the SSX Tricky style of trick-to-boost racer, and SSX Tricky is one of the top five best games of all time even though you had to own one of SATAN'S EVIL LIE MACHINES in order to play it.

Pure 'parkour' shame in London

To celebrate the launch of Pure, the people paid to ensure commoners like us are aware of its existence got some men to go upside down near some quad bikes.

Pure 'parkour' shame in London

This is a bit like what the game is about. That's the idea behind it.

Pure 'parkour' shame in London

This ought to be making the general public excited. This photo is presumably meant to get included in London Lite tonight, or Metro on Monday morning, under the headline "Parkour craze hits London!"

Pure 'parkour' shame in London

That's a remarkably relaxed face for a man who's upside down near one of the most dangerous inventions known to man.

There's this rather nice interview with the bloke that played SEGA Saturn Man in the Japanese TV adverts. It's copied out of "GamesTM" which saves you having to buy "GamesTM" or suffering the shame of being seen reading it in a shop for free.
As well as endangering a man's life by publishing photos taken from behind the frayed remains of the Iron Curtain, we having lovingly/hurriedly crafted the following gems/germs.
  • This thing in which we referred to a red camera as coming in "Inflamed Eczema Red," launching a new subversive thread in which we will insert fictional product colour names in stories until someone complains about it and we're made to stop and go back through every update we've ever written and remove them all. That's what passes for FUN around here!

  • This thing about cheap Xbox 360s.

  • This thing about power cables which we were told to write, presumably as punishment for Inflamed Eczema Red.

  • This thing which shows we know how advertising works.

  • This thing about a product aimed at sporty women, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • You should see the state of the ones we didn't use. 2/10.
    On the Dreamcast Awesome graph, this is the very highest peak. Stick with it. It's boring at first, before becoming the best thing you have ever seen.

    It is probably the best thing you have already seen, or already seen 1000 times, but, like Carol spelling out MILF, it has a timeless appeal that stands up to repeat viewing.

    "Alright there! Just thought I share this SEGAGAGA clip I stumbled across on YouTube. Stumbled across around 11pm with my pants down, that's how f**kin' ace this clip is. It's a mini game from one of the last great Dreamcast games ever, SGGG! The whole idea of the game is to destroy SEGA's history. Make sure you watch it right till the end (with a few boxes of Kleenex) and keep a look out for the quality Mega Drive 32X CD intro" - Lo.

    And since everyone's going to say this is a shit update as it's just a link to a YouTube video, here's another one.
    A man took these photos inside an amusement arcade in Pyongyang, capital of North Korea. They will make you very, very grateful that your local still has a functioning SEGA Rally and that you are not from or stuck in North Korea.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    They will also stop you from complaining that one of the steering wheels on Daytona USA isn't very responsive any more.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    They will stop you complaining about having to wait five minutes for a go on Street Fighter IV.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    They will also stop you complaining about having to pay £2 for a go on OutRun2.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    They will stop you complaining about the fierce punch button being a bit temperamental.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    They will stop you complaining about the state of the decor.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    They will make you happy to not be in North Korea.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    And then sad about the people in North Korea.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    But then happy again about not being in North Korea.

    Pyongyang arcade photos

    Sent in by a man who we'd better not refer to by name. Thanks very much, Mr Mystery!
    Came with no explanation. Could be anything. Seems to feature Tails in a UFO and is a pretty colour, which is good enough for us.

    Three cute mascots in one photo? That's overkill.
    The fakers have cleverly disguised SEGA's mascot by giving him a grey beard, as if this is FUTURE SONIC who has travelled back in time to warn today's children of the expensive dental treatment they will face 20 years from now should they fail to brush regularly.

    "Whilst browsing through a tiny shop in central Beijing last month, I decided to get a new toothbrush. A quick glance around and this horrendous artefact jumped out and prompted a photograph from yours truly. Notice the wispy white beard, the long tail and disgusting bulge at the back of his head" - Adam.

    Nuke China. This shame must be stopped.

  • You know, Lemmy and Binky. There's been a link to them on UKR for some odd reason for years now. They must've asked. Here is their game, or "its game" if you consider Lemmy & Binky to be a single entity. When it comes to apostrophes on the internet, there must be no ambiguity.

    The game is called Sexy Beachside Beachball.

    Sexy Beachside Beachball

    You can download it here. It's an executable file for a PC. We have tried it and nothing bad seemed to happen to the computer. It did insist on downloading some DirectX components, but on the plus side it didn't attempt to dial a premium-rate sex chat line that terminates in Brazil.
    Some other stuff. Obviously we save all the best stuff for here, which should give you an idea of the sort of bottom-scraping horror that awaits behind the below hypertext links.
  • This thing about terrorists using World of Warcraft to plan attacks.

  • This thing about Halo, because we are supposed to be interested in things like Halo.

  • This thing about a new invention that will save your brain from having to do any remembering of what things look like.

  • This thing which accuses London taxi drivers of being thieves. We expected to get threatened with a beating for this, but it turns out London taxi drivers don't spend their off-duty time slagging people off on the internet.

  • This thing about what the Potato Genome Sequencing Consortium is up to these days, which also includes a brief layman's guide to how DNA works.

  • This thing about pictures we can't not use when they come along, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Superior genetic pool

    The EU Bikini Rule (1994) earns this batch an automatic 10/10.
    Poor them. They both stopped to take photos of the arcades, though, seeing as they have SEGA signs outside them. It is nice to inspire this sort of misplaced enthusiasm. Perhaps, one day, one of our readers will actually take a high-ranking member of Sony Europe hostage and send us their fingers one by one!

    It's also nice that people are enjoying Cardiff Airport in some way.

    SEGA report from Cardiff Airport

    "This caught my eye at Cardiff Airport on the way to Edinburgh - two arcades in the airport. The first with Sega Rally in, and the second with ManxTT and OutRun2. Awesome."

    SEGA report from Cardiff Airport

    "My missus did seem to think that the Wii release of Samba de Amigo was all fresh and exciting and that. I would have kicked the arse out of making the point that the Dreamcast was about about half a billion years before its time, but frankly I could have done without the hassle for the rest of the day. Take it easy!"

    SEGA report from Cardiff Airport

    This one came in from a separate source. A man called "Daniel" gives us a slightly wider angle. This does not make us want to go anywhere near Cardiff Airport.
    The makers got well angry with us when we slagged it off before, so here's something to make up for it. Two screenshots that, we have to admit, don't look particularly shit or like the work of unskilled children.

    Something about the Sonic 2 HD remake, as a public service update

    The PC tech demo can be had here. It's three separate and extremely small scenes that just about run on a three-month-old PC that cost £300 three months ago and has an Intel E8200 inside it and whatever Dell is using for free graphics cards these days.

    That image right there is what turned it around. Very nice. We still give it six months before the team falls apart amid acrimony and the project is binned, though. No one will want to "do" all of Metropolis Zone in their spare time for free.
    Front page news on local newspapers in Staffordshire. Last year. For one edition.

    "Here's another photo to add to your collection. It's out of the daily newspaper for Staffordshire 'The Sentinel'. It was even front page news for the first edition, which shows how desperate for newsworthy stories we can be in Stoke on Trent. It's Sonic visiting a local primary school, nice blur effects I must say, even though he's Standing still. Enjoy - Al."
    There is, you will be amazed to learn unless you are an employee of Ubisoft, a video game called "My Stop Smoking Coach with Allen Carr". It may also be called "Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking" as it's listed twice under both names.

    As with all bizarre games based around teaching you something that really ought to come naturally, it is coming to Nintendo DS. This is how Ubisoft has VERY UNWISELY chosen to illustrate it, presumably because it hopes Glamour magazine or Cosmopolitan might "do something" on it.

    Another 100% solid gold Ubisoft classic.

    That chair is the Unwensch, available for £129.

    "Then I did a video game. Sales figures are unavailable."
    So we might as well. He's a Sonic CD owner, and Sonic CD owners are fucking cool dudes. And he has two Dreamcasts. Say no more. He's in the Super Cool Dude Gamer Club and has earned a special favour.

    The auction is here. He's used his duvet as a plain background. It's not a world-beater in terms of size or content, but it is definitely slightly above average in terms of what most people have accumulated thanks to having a Mega CD and a Menacer.

    Let us know. It's about time we did a census of all UK Sonic CD owners, so they can be put on the Special List of people that will be excused suffering come the END OF TIME.
    Here is a man's lifetime haul of SEGA oddness. The most terrifying lollipop you will ever see, accompanied by a public information leaflet in which Sonic and Tails warn of the dangers of getting involved with gang culture.

    They have almost certainly both been featured on the internet somewhere before, but never before have they been placed upon the SAME PAGE.

    "Here's a couple Sonic things I found. A card with some useful information on it that I found in my room. A Sonic Popsicle. Maybe you could use these for something... maybe" - MrPuppet.

    Yes, we could nail this to the front door to scare off visitors.
    An alternate collection of several thousand words, written for places where it's not so acceptable to talk about wiping your penis on the ears of sexy rabbits.
  • This thing about the order in which the Vaio CS11 series is going to be discounted.

  • This thing about demographics not matching up. It may have gone over the heads of the readership.

  • This thing about the latest developments in wanking machines, because, when it comes to wanking machines, we are emerging as experts.

  • This thing about Kane Kramer inventing the iPod in 1979. We tried to launch a global campaign to get Steve Jobs to buy Kane a Ferrari as a thank you, but it didn't really take off.

  • This thing about a woman called Kelly Ripa nearly getting into a washing machine, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Kelly Ripa, nearly getting into a washing machine

    It's words, on the internet, largely in the right order. 6/10.
    No doubt handed out to ungrateful people back in the day. People who binned them at the time, unaware that they would now be sitting on something worth at least £5.99 on eBay.

    "I did a bit of tidying up today and found two Dreamcast tins, one badly bent out of shape, and the other perfect. Just for you, I opened the bent one to see what was inside."

    "A Dreamcast digital watch! Hope these pictures are useful!" - Steve.

    "PS: Did I ever email you an mp3 of a Sonic Hedgehog song, or did I just send a photo of the cover? Let me know if you want it."

    No idea. And it's not really a Dreamcast watch. It's a very, very cheap Chinese watch that someone at SEGA paid £250 to have the logo printed on. The Dreamcast experience is not reflected in the design.
    Belgium! Let's go to Belgium! It is the promised land! We will be able to walk the streets proud of who and what we are. There will be no more hiding, no more clandestine midnight liaisons with a copy of Bomberman and a Saturn multi-tap.

    "Yesterday I was (for my work) in a relatively small town in the southern part of Belgium, called 'Verviers'. When I was walking down town, I noticed an arcade with a genuine Sonic sign. Yep, it's the same Sonic picture we saw on the mighty Mega Drive box of the original Sonic the Hedgehog!"

    "As I really like your features where you show several places that still carry the SEGA symbolism, I thought 'let's take a few pictures for the guys from UK:RESISTANCE!' So hereby I kindly send you the pictures."

    "Keep up with the good work! And could you might post a link to our (Dutch) SEGA website? It's at We attend all events, media trips from SEGA around the Benelux and the rest of the world (Leipzig, E3, TGS). Cheers, Maarten."

    SEGA puts the SEMEN in Amusement Park. This has definite potential to be one of those jokes where you zoom in closer and closer.

    The subconscious reason we love SEGA so much?
    Sonic Team may well be trying to erase her from history, but the makers of Sonic Chronicles haven't forgotten her and her little fuck-me-socks. She ticks all known boxes.

  • JPEG compression factor 8. Nothing is too good for her

    And fluffy ears to wipe your penis on afterwards. The perfect companion.
    Here's something to go with your Dreamcast shower - a Dreamcast toothbrush holder complimented superbly by a matching soap dish.

    Brushing your teeth without making eye contact with your disgusting reflection will be more fun than ever!

    Dreamcast toothbrush holder and matching soap tray

    Sent in by a man who calls himself "fightingchance" who used his mobile phone camera. Yes, that is it for today.
    A man went to a "community day" at SEGA Europe. The food and travel was paid for. The food was probably a buffet consisting mainly of tuna sandwiches, so don't get too jealous. He did get to do a poo in the SEGA toilet, though, then took a photo of the sign inside the cubicle. Here is his tale:
    "Thought you might like to know that I went on a 'community day' (which is basically flash talk for inviting a load of geeks) at SEGA HQ yesterday to witness the arm-straining epicness of Mario and Sonic at the Olympic games. Not only was food and travel paid for, I got to meet Sonic and Mario (in reality two out of work drama female students in horrendous costumes, but hey, they poured their hearts and souls into it), make a complete arsehole of myself and - best of all - take a huge dump in SEGA's toilet! I've attached a photo of the sign that's on the inside of said dumpster; it's not particularly amusing but it has SEGA written on it, so I took more notice of it than I would have usually done of signage in bogs."

    SEGA Europe - cleanliness is next to amazingness

    Please wipe the semen off the seat.

  • A photo of the parking sign.
  • When we went there to see a snooker game and pretended it was something more exciting.
  • Every time you click on one of these links, someone in an office somewhere gets an inflated idea of how many people read UKR. Occasionally, we'll put in a solid hour doing nothing but opening all of these up in separate tabs. It helps us achieve erection.
  • This thing about Band X releasing a song in Video Game Y.

  • This thing about maybe downloading Spore off the internet and not even bothering to install it just to piss off THE MAN (although the "angle" we used at the time was different and much less interesting).

  • This thing about whoever owns the Commodore brand these days. Someone nicely explained the situation in a comment.

  • This thing about Microsoft managing to make a Japanese Xbox 360 graph point UP.

  • This thing about Gears of War 2 being the shittest game of all time, which we can get away with doing over there now because the commenting system is broken so nobody can leave messages calling us cunts.

  • This thing about Miss IFA being ignored, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Plus German Secretary for MILF Promotion Dagmar Worhl

    Slightly erratic. Probably need to calm down a bit again. Tension building up inside once more. Need release. 5/10.
    Forget the "ten year plan" for PS3, here's Sony's 30 year plan to burn off any cash its few successes may have earned it, thereby keeping it in the GUTTER where IT BELONGS.

    And the hits keep coming

    Sent in by James, who is the winner. Well done. We must constantly remind the enemy of all its failings and weaknesses, so it doubts itself and becomes weaker still.


    These are internal. Secret. For SEGA employee eyes only. We are NOT SUPPOSED to be seeing these images, images that tell SEGA staff not to post hints about what they're working on at NeoGAF during lunchtime.

    You will RESPECT SEGA.


    Spotted by a man unfortunately named "Tyson" who pretty much just stole these off another part of the internet. Several months ago. We are not picky. Content is content. One more page on the internet means one less link in the chain we have built for ourselves to wear in the afterlife.


    We think someone emailed us a photograph taken inside the toilet of SEGA Europe a year or so ago. We'll try and dig that one out for tomorrow. There's something to look forward to.
    High-up SEGA Germany employee immortalised via medium of cake. Photograph of cake immortalised via rushed and half-hearted update on UKR. At least four UKR readers immortalised by leaving comments stating update is not funny. World continues to turn.

    German SEGA boss immortalised in cake

    "Here is a photo, I shot with my iPhone during GC. It shows a cake, that the folks from SEGA GERMANY made for their boss. It even has his face on it! (He is disguised as Mario). The cake looked awful, though. Like someone printed out the cover of the Mario and Sonic-Olympic-Game and stuck it on top of cold-pressed donkeyshit. Some foreign journalists garnished the cake with boogers and scrapings from the floor, while the booth-personnel were not looking. I also wanted to take a picture of that, but the aggressors threatened me with these huge TNA-Wrestling-Redneck-Merchandise-Foam-Pointy-Finger-things."

    "Later when the SEGA-guys offered me a piece of that cake, I kindly refused the offer. Then someone offered me a cup of tea and I said 'No thanks, that's not my cup of tea!' (Did you get the Joke? Hahaha! Although I love tea, I acted like I did not, so I got to do that hilarious joke!). Afterwards, I accidentally rubbed my elbow on one booth-babes large knockers, so it was a nice Games Convention after all! Your humble servant, Ahmet."
    Here are all those 'lifestyle' photographs Microsoft released yesterday, uploaded as part of our public service remit. Presumably these are mainly meant for those Southern European territories who buy consoles based on stuff like this.


    Let's start with the most realistic. Tired old woman pretending to join in. Podgy man. The child they finally conceived after five painful years of IVF treatment. The console they bought her because she's so special she can have anything she wants (she actually wanted a Wii).


    Older man, two young boys. Woman in background pretending not to notice. Nothing says UNDERGROUND DUTCH PAEDOPHILE RING more than this.


    Girls on left is playing with LIPS. Man on right is trying to get better look at girl's LIPS. Whichever Microsoft employee picked the name LIPS is going to find themselves put in charge of overseeing Excel development in Eastern Europe after this mess.


    Never before have we wanted to be a ginger teenager.


    He's moving in with the elbow. He's going for the Accidental Tits Elbow!


    Accidental Tits Elbow with a twist! Sensational! There'll be semen everywhere in his bedroom tonight!


    She noticed. Whoops. Now he won't be able to look at a girl again until he's 34.


    Photograph taken from the graphic novel titled WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO MODERN VIDEO GAMING?


    "Hooray! You both let me win because you want to try and have sex with me later!"


    Now they have moved onto the casual quiz game.


    Nobody knew the answer. It was in the cinema before they were even born, so it's not their sweet, young faults.


    How unrealistic. That controller's not even plugged in. Terrible.


    These photos are definitely meant for Europe. That's the most European selection of children possible.


    By "European" we mean healthy and happy looking. English children sit there being fat and sad in official football shirts.


    They're not leaning into each other enough.


    That's better. That's ROCK AND ROLL, and, by extension, COOL MODERN VIDEO GAMES FOR ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.


    Frequency was ten times better, and you could sit down.


    "...and you turn around, that's what it's all about - HEY!"


    Now he's blown any chance he may have had by getting the steering wheel out and insisting they play Forza 2 for a bit.
    So bad it has to give its next "best game" away for free, as a bribe, to shift some more of those useless Blu-ray machines before the receivers are called in.


    So that's losing money on the hardware AND giving away the only game people might want this Christmas for free? This is Business 3.0!

    'We'll skip the next few slides, they're just some minor financial details'

    Here's a nice photo we found of Howard Stringer putting on a very brave face, while in front of some people who presumably know the truth about how badly it's all going.

    Howard Stringer's financial presentation

    And here's an example of the sort of shameful and disrespectful Photoshopping we hope not to see. We also hope not to see such bad use of the skew tool.

    Something marginally offensive about the Welsh?

    And here's a blank. Let's hope it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. We'd hate to see a man of Howard's pedigree humiliated by some pathetic internet jokers.


    Video. Pictures. Memories of rolling bombs flooding back. Tears welling up. Crying now, but don't care. Those of you needing a reason to live now summer's over, here you are.

    Death Tank XBLA from Rlan on Vimeo.

    From here. More pictures here. Alternative coverage featuring a lot more exclamation marks to help convince the common man of its brilliance here.