UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
It's hard readjusting back to civilian life. Everything seems so boring and pointless after you've been away at war.

Dreamcast kitchen roll :(

Here's a photo of some kitchen roll a man said looks a bit like a Dreamcast logo. We have supplied it in 2274 x 1704 resolution. Only another three years of this kind of shit to go and we can start slagging off PlayStation4.

never learns



We are now in Richard Jacques' MySpace Top 12. This is awesome. This means Richard spent at least two minutes last night thinking about us. We have INTERACTED with Richard Jacques.

We are also now the bread in a Natalie Imbruglia sandwich, with Billie Piper being the other bit of bread:

The bread in a Natalie Imbruglia sandwich, with Billie Piper being the other bit of bread

Now when people ask us if we have any friends, we can say "Yes. Richard Jacques, and we are also very close to Natalie Imbruglia and Billie Piper."


We know SO MUCH about Richard Jacques we even know that his surname is pronounced "Jakes" rather than "Jacks". Which means everyone's clever headlines like "Richard Jacques off to SEGA" and "We'd rather Jacques" are WRONG and based on incorrect Richard knowledge.

Therefore our headline about Rich doing the music for SEGA's upcoming The Club is a good headline, a rhyming headline, and a right headline. Even though it doesn't scan as well as, say, "Richard Jacques off in The Club" or some other such lame entendre that will be all over the internet by tomorrow.

Anyway. here's a link about it that uses the very boring headline "SEGA reveals music composers for THE CLUB".

That's a screenshot of The Club. Hopefully Richard will see this update and send us a link to an audio sampler piece, although, what with copyrights and legal things, this might not be possible.

There are no audio clips on his MySpace page and we note with some sadness that we are not in his "top 12". There is a photo of him playing a piano though. He appears to be cheating by using a Mac to read the music off.



We'll let these speak for themselves. Although they don't really speak, it's more of a tortured howling sound echoing through time from 1995.

They wouldn't be smiling so much if they knew the cheques were going to bounce.


And it belongs to Assassin's Creed creative director Patrice Desilets. That's him on the right. Patrice is a man's name in French bits of the world, apparently.

Patrice Desilets - trimmed

Of particular note is his facial expression. He knows he's not really supposed to be in this photo of Ubisoft's Jade Raymond. Everyone likes Ubisoft's Jade Raymond and he's being careful not to get in the way of any important bits of her body.

Shaved at base

Here's a close-up of that beard. The trimming is perfection! Anyone who's ever experimented with facial hair will know that the neckline is several hours of work alone, and the uniformity of length is nothing short of a masterpiece. We can only hope he's being this meticulous in his work on Assassin's Creed!

She's doing the pink menu screens really slowly and holding everyone up

And this is her, Ubisoft's Jade Raymond, the one everyone likes. Frankly, textbook chin-down-shoulders-back-look-and-smile up or not, we're still not convinced video game development is the right place for a woman to be, regardless of how many WOMEN GAMERS IN GAMES conferences Aleks Krotoski has organised in her flat this month. They literally just don't really understand games.

Still, as long as Ubisoft manages to get acres of press coverage by shoving poor Jade in front of every game journalist's Casio Exilim while pretending it's doing it for "equality" rather than "here's a pretty girl from our office you can talk to about texture maps," it'll be worth it.

  • It releases the same squad-based game only with a different name at least five times a year, triggering a Pavlovian reaction in us that makes us turn off everything electrical in the house upon hearing the phrase "Tom Clancy's...".

  • Being MADE to review Splinter Cell because no one ever wants to review Splinter Cell because Splinter Cell is boring, too hard and rubbish, and only liked by weirdos who pay fat prostitutes to sandpaper their cocks in dungeons at the weekend while they let out the tears of pain away from the wife and kids.

  • It has announced a Wii game called Horsez 2 and if that isn't a sign that another video game crash is no more than six months away, we don't know what is.
  • Labels:

    A quite awesome discovery, made by the enthusiastic youths over at The Dreamcast Junkyard. Yet more proof that... you know the rest :(

    "Almost like a Wii remote - BUT SEVEN YEARS EARLIER!"


    Sony's "semi official" - ie, written by journalists paid by Sony - blog recently asked its readers how they thought the first two months have gone for PS3 in Europe.

    Can you work out what happens next? (CLUE: You can see it coming from 58 billion, billion, billion light years away with the naked eye on a cloudy night).

    Threespeech PR disaster

    It resulted in a totally predictable public backlash on Sony's kowtowing Euro mouthpiece. Here are some of the best moments. At least they didn't try to delete that awesome first post. Well done, Kerri. We love you, even if you're one of those pink-haired, flabby monster-women who usually work in game shops.


    "I think the whole EU thing is going to slow to a halt if Sony don’t get the price of the unit down and, more importantly, *start getting some content on the PSN store!*"

    "I’m currently recommending to my friends to wait until September before buying as it *may* be cheaper and there *may* be more popular franchises available..."

    "I can’t remember the last time I turned my PS3 on... The PlayStation store is bare, and the release schedule over the next few months is also empty... These are hard times for early adopters who shelled out a lot of cash to play good games as quite simply there aren’t any more to play bar those that arrived on day one."

    "There are no games I am interested in released here, and absolutely zero movement on the online store, and no reason for me to turn it on at all. Sony had better pull their thumbs out if they expect me to spend any money on games."

    "It’s going to be Wii60 everywhere this generation unless Sony can remove their head from a dark place and slash the price by 40 percent in all territories."

    "Well my PS3 is a very bad PS2 machine at the moment because of the lack of new content since the launch I’m having to just play badly compatible PS2 games on it. Played all the launch games and I’ve already beaten Oblivion on the 360 and PC. I’m also hearing from my local game more then half the people who have bought it have taken it back and sales are around 1 per week."

    "I haven’t used it for anything other than the photo album for about a month."

    "We need more games, and better games, all the games that I can play right now looks like they are unfinished versions. PSN sucks, every game has his own way to invite friends, you can not chat with a friend while playing a game. Please we need something equals to Xbox Live and if you can, Better than XBL."

    "Lately its just gathering dust really. No new content just a bunch of old trailers and 20 year old games no one wants to play anymore. And what about the games, seems like all the titles just keep getting pushed back and pushed back, how are SONY supposed to keep me interested in the PS3 if there is no new CONTENT. Compared to XBL the PSN is a joke, really. But after all said and done, I'm happy with my 600 euro folding machine, glad i can help Stanford university out."

    "I want a PS3 - but until a significant price drop occurs there is no way I’ll be buying one... Judging by the amount available in stores, I guess I’m not the only one!"

    So when Sony's US PR goon Dave Karakker blames the internet for destroying PS3's image, he presumably means sites Sony is paying for itself rather than independent upholders of truth such as UKR?

    The funniest thing about PS3's pointless existence is the one thing Sony's sheep-like loser fans think will save it. HOME, the cumbersome 3D chat-room system from 1998, that is costing Sony millions to develop - and will then be given away for free. We couldn't design the total public collapse of a major corporation better if we tried.

    We are saving a regular copy of the page once every thirty minutes, should some sort of 'server accident' result in it disappearing or any of the comments getting inadvertently deleted. If you need our 'back up' version of the page at any time, please get in touch.


    This is an illustration of the broken underside of someone's Mega Drive power supply unit. Regular readers will be pleased to know that this update represents a new all-time low for UKR, so it can only get better from here.

    Fig. a, the broken underside of someone's Mega Drive power supply unit

    EXCLUSIVE REPORT: "I have a Mega Drive power block with a broken pin on the bottom. It still works, I just have to pull the two lower legs apart each time I want to use it. That sounds a bit rude I guess, so it might fit on your site. Unfortunately I don't have it with me so I had to draw it instead. I was going to use a SEGA font to make it look better but for whatever reason it won't show up in MS Paint. I would've put all the voltages and stuff too but I can't remember those. LW"


    A Sonic tie. Not only is it a boring photo of something boring, it's also blurred and you can only see part of the back of it. Sheer banal genius:

    A man's friend's Sonic tie

    Tomorrow: the underneath of someone's Mega Drive power supply.


    Not all SEGA WORLDs have died and/or fallen into disrepair! This one hasn't. It's probably got a good six months left before the "S" stops working and they close the place instead of spending the money on fixing it.


    "Hello! When in Nara (Japan) recently - I took this photo with UKR in mind. Then I thought, "Nah, they don't like stuff like that anymore, forget it." But, your last update suggests otherwise ! So here you go. Looks quite cheerful, eh ? Fitting for a town where deer roam the streets freely, perhaps. No-one in there though. Enjoy your time, M."

    Open. Just about

    Cuddly toys don't count as paying customers, and it looks a bit empty. Has anyone ever seen more than three people in an arcade since 1996?

    Enjoy your short-term employment

    "Enjoy your time" - that's a message to the staff of SEGA WORLD Nara. They'll be selling noodles down the market this time next year.


    Folklore is a new PS3 game. It's a single-player fantasy game that's brown, even though PlayStation owners want FIFA and Gran Turismo and WipEout, not brown games about being a sexually ambiguous dwarf embarking upon a voyage of discovery on a farm.

    Send this one back to the drawing board, Sony. It's not really going to help things.


    We've lowered the JPEG compression to factor three, which makes it look slightly worse than the original file so people finding this from Google Image Search think the game looks really nasty. This is the sort of sub-viral anti-marketing we take great pleasure in.


    The people of America have dug up PS3's rotting corpse, violated it up the bottom, set it on fire, then buried it again. If the price isn't cut by 200 dollars by September 30th we'lll turn the site into a gay Mario fan fiction resource.
    DS: 471k
    Wii: 360k
    PS2: 194k
    PSP: 183k
    360: 174k
    GBA: 84k
    PS3: 82k

    Cold, hard, glorious fact.


    Which is why another bunch of tools are using it to promote PlayStation3. Check out the number plate:

    PGR3 - still better than anything on PS3



    Apparently, according to an email we got from an actual German (he yielded to our superiority by speaking the Queen's English) German politicians want to ban video gaming.

    This is probably a wild, sweeping exaggeration, but we can't be bothered researching things at the best of times and especially not when they're in German.

    And also because it has resulted in photos like this appearing on the anti-ban site GAMING IS NOT A CRIME:

    He is a typical German video gamer, apparently.

    The campaign wants to highlight the "real gamers" of Germany and show that not everyone who plays games is a sick, anti-social weirdo. We have obviously focussed on the ones that do look like sick, anti-social weirdos for comic effect.

    It's nice to know that German hardcore gamers sometimes look exactly how you'd imagine them to

    SAYS THE GERMAN: "We are doing an online-petition, because they want to ban videogames in Germany! The government thinks that every gamer is a potential psychopathkiller. So we ask people to register and upload their picture. Even if the Tommys don't care about Germans being f*cked by the government, you still have to do a little newsflash about the site. Why? Because it is sponsored by segaON and consists of totally embarrassing pix like these. It is a comedy goldmine!"

    This is what happens to a country when David Hasselhoff is considered a positive role model.

    There are also women on it. German women, but they still have all the right bits for doing stuff with/to and some are quite passable.

    It's a shame Germany hasn't got a Frag Dolls.

    "Gaming has many faces - and one of it is yours. Show it: Your picture loads high and shows operational readiness level! Support our on-line initiative, in order to show the public that players are completely normal humans from all social classes and not part of a dark fringe group. We reject the overall condemnation of PC and video games in the connection of acts of violence, which ignores social and personal bad states of the authors unjustified. Players stand together - for their hobby, for appropriate protection of children and young people and against material force."

    "The play has many faces - and one of him is with you. Show it: Your image charges the high one and shows the operational level of promptitude! Support our initiative on line, in order to prove to the public which the players are human the completion normal of all the social classes and not part of a dark group of fringe. Us kids the total judgment of the PC and the video games in the connection of the acts of violence, which is unaware of bad the social and personal states unjustified authors. The players are held together - for their pastime, for suitable protection of the children and the young people and against the material force."



    We got sent this. Pay attention. It's a grower and one of those things that's so ace we can't stop looking at it:

    PS3 - self-powered

    Tells a story. Has a punchline. Slags off Sony. All boxes ticked.

    Cunts Corner has been allowed back on the internet again, and this time it has photographs. If we're not on there by 3.30pm with some sort of accompanying explicit gay Photoshop illustration involving at least three penises we shall be very disappointed.


    We have made another t-shirt. It's black and about Sony being fucked. It's a celebration in 100-percent cotton. We've only got 50 of them done, so once they're gone, they're gone. Buy them here.

    If we sell just twelve of these t-shirts we'll have made more profit out of PlayStation3 than Sony and all third-party PS3 software publishers.

    To make room for this future unsold stock, we've made all our unwanted, wrong-colour stock of old shirts 12 quid each. There is only limited room in our t-shirt/bike/porn/hostage storage cupboard. Our apologies to the two people who bought one in the last month.

    These new ones are 14 Mighty English Pounds each, and that includes postage, even if you live somewhere far away that costs three quid to send it to. You also get a free envelope customised with your address written on it, plus a label in the back of the neck of each shirt that conveniently tells you what size it is.

    Here, we put two oranges inside the shirt to simulate what it might look like if a girl was wearing it. It wasn't very arousing, and just made 'things' seem worse.

    If you work for Sony Computer Entertainment or Chart Track you can have one for free. Just email in from your work address, asking nicely, and saying that UKR is the best site on the whole internet, even including Pornotube and Torrentspy, and that it "brightens up your day" with its "accurate reporting of sales figures and public opinion".

    This is pretty much just a vanity project so we have one to wear around the house. We're not expecting anyone to actually buy one.

    "RIP" is in an approximation of the PlayStation3 font, which means PS3/Sony is dead. "2007-2007" is the year PS3 was born and subsequently died in Europe. You know, like a gravestone. "United in Resistance" is just a thing we put on as it sounded nice and sort of linked back to the site.

    The only downside we can think of this design is people might think you're viral-marketing Spider-Man 3, a film so bad it managed to travel back in time and rewrite history to make the first film rubbish as well.


    You'd better get used to playing games by waving things about, basically, as that's all there's going to be in about 18 months time.
  • NDS: 285,192
  • WII: 101,320
  • PSP: 35,172
  • PS2: 14,815
  • PS3: 12,974
  • 360: 3,205

  • And that's for 'Golden Week', which is like a Japanese Christmas and Bank Holiday rolled into one, and a time people tend to buy games consoles for something to do while at home in their tiny little paper houses.

    Once everyone's finished wasting vast piles of money developing their current PS3 projects there'll be 50 collections of mini games released for Wii every week. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a remote control being waved near a human face... for ever.

    Blockbusters' message to Sony

    We can't wait to see what Sony's embarrassing climbdown will be. Emergency 50 percent price cut? Cheaper new PS3 version without Blu-ray drive? Free t-shirts? Something has to be done before September, or it's exit hardware industry time.


    Here's some of the crap we've got in recently. If you sent it, by "crap" we mean "little works of genius we're very grateful to receive".

    This is a flyer being circulated by someone called Alan who's trying to sell a PS3 in a university. That's his phone number. We're not entirely sure about the legality of putting someone's phone number on a web site read by lunatics, but are prepared to risk being implicated in Alan's death for a minor laugh.

    A sign saying "Wii ROX" made out of unsold PS3s. Hopefully this photo was arranged specifically for us, and hasn't just been stolen off an internet forum.

    Self explanatory.

    What Ken Kutaragi did next. Again, hopefully this was made just for us and wasn't stuck on Gaming-Age and featured on Kotaku three weeks ago. We've not been keeping up on gaming news recently, thanks to post-traumatic stress brought about by the WAR.

    This image was definitley made for us. No one else would have it.

    This is awesome and deserves its own update, rather than being hidden away down here. Sorry about that, person what done it.

    This is probably a war reference we don't get, as all we really know about WWII is that the Japanese did very bad things, which is why Granddad never drives Hondas or buys Sony products to this very day.

    A PS3 "not sold out in the slightest" sign from Russia! Even out there no one cares for the evil capitalist machine. Interesting to note that in Russia PS3 costs 2-1.990p. Right. That's your lot. We have cleaned up our desktop quite significantly.


    See what SEGA thought the future would look like in 1993, thanks to a Japan-living-in reader called Rudie. He's embarrassed us quite severely by putting in the sort of effort we haven't put in since 1999.

    Hi-Tech, low maintenance

    "Here are more pictures of things that say SEGA. Near my place in southern Tokyo there are two arcades both called SEGA HI-TECH LAND."

    Rare SEGA font!

    "This is the entrance to one. You can taste the future. And you know it will be great because it says SEGA!"

    Where's Daytona?

    "There was one person on the arcade portion, which means it was more active than American arcades. Everyone else was by the UFO Catchers and Pachinko machines on the other side. The clerk didn't mind when I got pictures of the empty VF5 machines."

    Every day is SEGA day on UKR!

    "This mat states that the 23rd of every month is SEGA day. That makes Japan automatically better than every other country on Earth."

    Probably looks better at night

    "The back entrance to the other arcade. I don't know what else to say."

    We'd clean it for free :(

    "This is the front entrance."

    Arcades: Thriving

    "Look at all those empty machines! That just means there's no waiting to have fun at SEGA Hi-Tech Land."

    Ideal for mopping spunk off Dreamcasts

    "The best part is at the arcade they have free wetnaps that remind you about SEGA day! See two SEGA Arcades within walking distance of each other. They are still open which means someone out there still cares about fun."


    This should be our new logo.


    This one's great. Probably a bit too obscure a reference if you've just come here from MySpace, though:

    Ken seeks advice from Father of Disaster

    Also, our congratulations go out to the creator for not mentioning the Nuremberg Trials or dead farm animals and therefore producing something we can use without getting letters from solicitors about ceasing and then desisting.


    And by 'model' we mean plastic thing. And by plastic thing we mean 'toy'. And by porn we mean... 'porn' albeit in a strangely unsettling fashion.

    We didn't take these photos.

    There is a story behind them, a story NOT involving us.

    A man who works at a game shop got the toys, opened one, took some photos and sent them in. His initial email pointed out that he thought the toy looked like Emily Booth, which was the 'angle' he suggested we use.

    We didn't say it was a funny story.

    Then he took some with the flash on.

    We're not sure if he did that as a joke or seriously to give us a better look.

    It was a good idea though.

    The end (of society).