UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Isn't that a clever headline? You can use that if you want, for free, to illustrate the "Father of PlayStation retires" story you're no doubt currently writing for your blog/site/forum/magazine/podcast/videoblog:

And here's a picture we just made to illustrate the enemy leader's unconditional surrender:

Field Marshall Fils-Amie raises the flag over Sony Europe's HQ

Sony's plans for a ten-year reich - obliterated!

Ken accidentally reveals PS3 profit margins

This is one someone else just made. Hopefully this won't turn into some sort of celebratory Photoshop competition. That would be very sad indeed, were it to happen. Especially if this archive of wartime imagery and this archive of Sony executive staff photos were used to portray Sony as broken and defeated Nazis facing certain execution.

  • A photo of Ken Kutaragi
  • A photo of Adolf Hilter
  • A photo of some unsold PS3s
  • A photo of the French PS3 launch event

  • Please don't let this turn into some degrading internet Photoshop competition in which Sony is portrayed in an unfavourable light. It would be deeply unprofessional considering the sadness of this news.


    She's American, therefore she is not being ironic in this photograph. That expression is her 'being sexy' expression.

    Try chewing on the power lead next time

    We'd rather take a course of gay drugs and put Master Chief's balls in our mouths than spend a second in the company of any of these controller-kissing cliches.


    This is an interview we did with Sumo Digital, the developer of the Xbox 360 and PSP versions of Virtua Tennis 3.

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    It's not a particularly good interview, as we were trying too hard to be funny in our questions and they were trying too hard to be funny in their answers. As a result, it contains no useful information at all.

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    Still, it's an interview with Sumo Digital about Virtua Tennis 3 and has lots of great screenshots we took, so as long as it gets at least 10 Diggs and a link from Kotaku it will have been worth the effort.

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360


    For idiot newcomers who've just discovered gaming thanks to Nintendo's new toy, please say why Virtua Tennis is the best sports game in the world.

    It's more like playing real tennis, you actually have to move your player around the court. It's nice and easy to play, you don't have to worry about loads of buttons and controls, so pretty much anyone can just pick it up! Plus you can play sitting down, which'll be a new experience to Wii owners, that and the players having a full complement of limbs.

    We noted with GREAT JOY that VT3 plays the same as VT always has. This is more of a statement than a question, so you don't have to say anything after this one.

    If it ain't broke...

    VT3's new mini games - are these designed by Sumo or AM3?

    Whilst we did suggest various mini-games - most to do with selecting inappropriate camera angles! - these were dropped in favour of the AM3 ones :o)

    For our European readers who like statistics, can you say how many mini games there are?

    I believe we have at least more than one mini-game, and possibly less than 13.

    What about other stuff? Is there other stuff?

    You are expecting more? You can hear tennis players moaning and groaning at your every movement and you want more...?

    Is there a 'super racquet'?

    Yes. But we're not saying what special abilities it will endow you with.

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    From a technical point of view, how do you make graphics go on a TV screen?

    Inside each console is a sausage mincer that takes the raw graphics, then minces them up to go down the cable to the screen. This is why some cables are better than others. Take composite, it's only got the one video tube, about as thick as a chipolata. This is why the picture on composite is all greasy and smeared. We recommend using a good quality component cable, which allows us to deliver a nice red Cumberland, green Lincolnshire and blue traditional Banger, giving overall a much meatier picture.

    Is Richard Jacques doing any of the sound? You could get him to do grunting noises.

    We prefer the girls grunting noises to be honest.

    Can we help in any way? We could make grunting noises, or help 'do' the manual. For free, obviously.

    We'd love to say yes, but usually we expect people to pay us for the privilege of working with us.

    Who would you rather work closely with in a hot motion capture studio - Maria Sharapova or Daniela Hantuchova?

    Wait a minute, we didn't have to choose last time.

    Can you adjust chest sizes in the character creation menu?

    Of course we can, we'll probably lock it out of the final game though.

    You're implementing the online play for Xbox 360 VT3 - how's that going?

    It's going at 1080p at 60fps mostly. Plus with it being on Live, you can add your own grunts to the game! Or heavy breathing, whichever you prefer really.

    Why is it that some games are glitchy and rubbish on Xbox Live, but others are really smooth? Surely developers should all enable 'Really Smooth Mode' by default?

    Sending online data is similar to sending video, just you need to make sure there is no gristle in there. We use Tyne Brand data, unlike some other developers who use meat they've got cheap in the pub.

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    Do you have any involvement with the PS3 version of VT3?

    We've played it. That and stole all AM3's source code, which saved us doing a load of work.

    Wouldn't it be great if Sony closed and SEGA made a new console? Say, for Christmas 2007? It would be about five times as powerful as Xbox 360 and would launch with just Space Channel 5 Part 3!

    But if Sony shut, there'd be no PS3 to play Sudoku on! We would of course welcome a new Sega console like a brother we never knew we had. So long as they weren't ginger.

    Isn't it sad what's happened to Sonic The Hedgehog recently?

    Don't tell me that was Sonic I hit on the way home from the pub. I just thought it was a blue haired punk juggling some rings. Sorry mate.

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    We might launch a campaign soon saying SEGA should make a new 2D Sonic game to release on Xbox Live/Virtual Console. Would you support this move? And more importantly, would you buy a t-shirt supporting it if we got some made up and charged about £17 for it?

    We'd fully endorse a new 2D Sonic title. In fact we're available for work as soon as VT3 goes. We only charge two thirds of our normal fee for a 2D game, since it has one less dimensions worth of graphics. T-Shirt wise, so long as it is better than the rival gangs ones, we didn't get that.

    Do you have any quotes you'd like us to get in the VT3 review? Usually we charge money for this service, but seeing as it's Virtua Tennis we'll do it for free.

    VT3 is the only game to buy in March. Period.

    Finally, can you say something controversial, so we can make it the headline and get loads of traffic from Digg? Say something like "PS3 isn't as good as Xbox 360" or "Wii is just a Gamecube with a rubbish controller".

    Jack Thompson agrees that Virtual Tennis 3 is wholesome family fun. It is the only game he officially likes. Allegedly.



    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    We're very proud of this screenshot. Great composition.

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    Virtua Tennis 3 on Xbox 360

    We've reviewed Xbox 360 Virtua Tennis 3 about four times so far for various media outlets, giving it two 9/10s and two 5/5s. We'll give it 10/10 here as you understand a bit better. 10/10. It's the first game this year we've been genuinely enthusiastic about, instead of just pretending to be enthusiastic about.


    Japanese hardware sales figures for last week. What specialist video game trade refer to as a DOUBLE-WHAMMY - PlayStation3 is dead in Japan as well.
  • DS: 133k
  • Wii: 75k
  • PSP: 24k
  • PS2: 12k
  • PS3: 11k

  • It's over. And remember how cheap the thing is out there, too, compared to here. Nintendo's waving at the crowd. Expect Sony's HR department to start sending out lots more letters very soon.


    At least the massive UK sales will make up for it.


    American hardware sales figures are in for March, and as the NPD isn't run by Nazis we're allowed to say what they are on the internet:
  • DS: 508k
  • PS2: 280k
  • Wii: 259k
  • X360: 199k
  • PSP: 180k
  • GBA: 148k
  • PS3: 130k

  • Just the usual CATACLYSMIC SALES DISASTER for PS3 then. Guess those, er, shortages are still hitting sales, what with there only being a spare three million on shelves worldwide.

    At least the massive UK sales will make up for it.


    The Sonic/PS3 update triggered an impromptu Photoshop competition, as readers clamoured to explain what Sonic was doing consorting with the weak, enemy machine.

    Which means five people made some pictures.

    And they were quite good. So here they are, in what we're calling our easiest update of the year so far:

    This one could've been the winner, had this been an official competition. Sadly, it was not an official competition therefore there is NO BUDGET for prizes.

    This one wouldn't have won anything, as it says "jus" which isn't a proper word. We're Nazis about spelling and stuff.

    This one would've been second or third, and maybe won a prize, had this been an official competition.

    This one's OK. We would've uploaded it to make it look like we got lots of entries, even though it's a bit basic.

    This one should've definitely been a winner, possibly even THE ULTIMATE winner. It's very good. Brilliant, in fact. If only this was an official competition with a budget for prizes.


    This week, Chart Track has decided to officially say that last week's top-selling PS3 game sold 6,899 copies in the UK.

    That's 6,899 copies of Motorstorm, the game most people would surely buy alongside the pointless console. Expect analysts to say this is a "TOTAL DISASTER", as it is clearly a total disaster. And with Singstar the only half-decent PS3 exclusive coming this side of Christmas, it's going to get worse.

    Here's a photo someone took of a PS3 at a car boot sale. It seems appropriate:


    The enemy has suffered huge losses and is now in full retreat. We will be raising the orange/blue spiral victory flag above Sony's ridiculously expensive Soho offices within weeks, when the struggling company axes more staff and relocates to a Portakabin in Swindon.


    Et tu, Sonic? This is the ultimate betrayal. All those times we gave his awful 3D games more points out of ten than they deserve over the last decade - and THIS is how the little shit repays us?


    He was once our most loyal and obedient friend. But now we would calmly and casually put a bullet in his head without shedding a tear. War is such a terrible time.


    Poor old mrk2golf1.8t.

    He's already sold 32 at a loss:

    If anyone knows his identity, please pop in to see if he's OK.


    And that's according to actual evidence:

    Kidnap boy lured by promise of PlayStation

    Kidnap boy lured by promise of PlayStation

    Jurors have been shown a video interview with a Perth man accused of conspiring with his homosexual partner to murder a boy they kidnapped and sexually abused for 20 days.

    The man, Victor Leslie Urquhart, 46, who has AIDS, said the boy was lured to their home with the promise of a PlayStation.

    Urquhart and his partner Robbie Sebastian Wheeler, 43, are on trial in the Western Australian District Court accused of plotting to wilfully murder the teenage boy.

    The pair have already pleaded guilty in court to 27 charges between them, including deprivation of liberty and sexually assaulting the boy between August 30 and September 19, 2005, but have pleaded not guilty to conspiring to kill him.

    Mr Urquhart said in the interview shown to the jury today he minimised the risk of the boy contracting AIDS by engaging only in oral sex and not having anal sex with him.

    "I didn't engage in anal sex with the boy because of AIDS," he said.

    During the interview with Perth detectives, Urquhart said he had never forced the boy to do anything.

    He said he was freaked out by the situation but did not call police because he "didn't want to get into trouble".

    He said he basically went along with Mr Wheeler, who lured the boy to their house by promising him a PlayStation or an X-box.

    "Ryan offered him a PlayStation or an X-box.
    "We had Maccas for dinner the first night.

    "I made sure he ate - he had hot dogs, chips, takeaway and pizza.

    "He was well looked after and showered and all that."

    Urquhart said the boy was restrained by Wheeler during the 20 days, but had gone to the house of his own free will.

    He had used bucket in the bathroom as a toilet.

    Earlier today the jury was shown sketches, diagrams and notes taken from the home of the pair.

    Documents shown to jurors included details of how the pair planned to go cruising and wanted to pick up a straight boy - "the younger the better" - and drug them before handcuffing them.

    "The younger they are the shorter we'll keep them, unless we snag a homeless one.

    "When we've finished with them want to get rid of them, start doing some snuff and damage them.

    "Make sure find a safe place to dump them."

    Another document contained the sentence: "Won't acid take care of the body so it's just bones?"

    The trial continues.

    And so is Xbox.


    Courtesy of the Southport branch of GAME. It's ANOTHER unauthorised sign that head office needs to crack down on immediately:

    Last 249 in the post code

    LIVE REPORT: "This picture is from the GAME shop in Southport, Merseyside, taken on PS3 launch day, Friday 23rd March 2007 at 12:59pm. Good to see they have over 12k of stock waiting for some non-existent buyers. What's more interesting is the fact they are trying to flog some insurance as well, just in case you accidentally drop the PS3 on purpose – a bargain at 34.99 - although their spelling of peace is a bit dubious - Rastrus."


    Even Shenmue's Tomato Store is struggling.


    The Doncaster branch of Argos. 102 PlayStation3s in stock. Congratulations to all at Sony Europe for doing such a brilliant job of keeping up with - and staying massively ahead of - "demand".

    Sony is now so far ahead of "demand" that it might as well close its PS3 factories for a few months and give all those poor Chinese workers a holiday.


    Amazing resistance from the Doncaster forces. Surely no one will ever beat this incred...


    Bristol takes the lead. Only send us a photo if it's over 200 from now on.


    On its third week on sale in the UK, PlayStation3 sold 17,000 units. Nintendo's Wii sold 25,000 units in the same time, according to official Chart Track sales figures we're not supposed to have. But have.

    Considering Wii is sold out everywhere and unwanted PS3s are piled high all over the place, this a comprehensive win for Nintendo and the icing on PS3's tombstone.


    A proper web site will be along to confirm these figures are correct shortly with proper research and maybe a quote from Chart Track, just in case you don't believe us [link will go here]. The ball's back in your court, Threespeech.

    If you like Sony or work for Sony and would like to put a positive 'spin' on this story, please attempt to do so in the Comments field below. We haven't wet ourselves laughing for 26 years and this could be the day. You could maybe say that all the potential PS3 owners spent their money on Easter eggs last week, and PS3 sales will pick up next week. Or you could say that it's OK because PS3 is more expensive and sales will pick up when Sony hacks the price down. Whatever makes you feel better about wasting that 425 quid.


    Courtesy of the Sevenoaks branch of Choices video. The irony of a sign saying "LIMITED STOCK AVAILABLE" being stuck to a vast pile of unsold PS3s is SIMPLY DELICIOUS. Words can't express the joy we are feeling right now.

    Keep the emails coming with your PS3 disaster photos - we'll update the site 50 times a day to accomodate them if need be.

    Last 249 in the post code

    Choices, by the way, tried its luck at selling 50 of its launch consoles on Ebay for the official launch price during launch week. You can imagine how it went. They sold three.


    You're seriously letting the side down. There's a FUCKING WAR GOING ON, in case you hadn't FUCKING NOTICED. Get your FUCKING factories into FUCKING GEAR and get some FUCKING CONSOLES out onto the FUCKING SHELVES, you FUCKING LAZY bunch of shysters.





    If we don't start seeing some Wiis out there PRETTY FUCKING SOON we're going to have to start another war. Honestly. It's like you're not even trying. How hard is it to put Gamecubes into white boxes anyway?


    Making up for their conduct during WWII, the Japanese have been putting in some strong PS3 resistance of late:

    1. NDS: 80,012
    2. Wii: 51,365
    3. PSP: 39,077
    4. PS2: 17,787
    5. PS3: 16,889
    6. 360: 3,889

    Sony's public Hiroshima continues apace.

    PS3 abandoned and unwanted

    And this is what the living rooms of Ebay users across Europe look like. Never before has there been a bigger difference between "shipped" and "sold" figures.


    Here are your Argos stock count photos. This huge amount of vastly expensive unsold stock could bring Argos to its knees.


    SAYS THE SENDER: "This was taken this morning at Argos in Bolton - near the Reebok stadium. It's worth mentioning that while they had 46 PS3s in stock, they only had two Xbox 360 Premiums in stock."


    SAYS THE SAME SENDER: "This was also taken this morning but at Argos in Chorley. 44 available!! Chorley has a population of about 4.37 people. So, since the huge Tesco there still has original launch PS3s for sale and the local GAME and Gamestation stores are now proudly boasting their first 'in-store' stock - I can't see many being shifted over the next few weeks."


    Coventry. Well done, brave citizens.


    Colliers Woods, London. Same hilarious un-shifted box story.


    Nottingham. Even the city of pikey mobile phone thieves hasn't sold out of PS3s, which is pretty shocking as its Sony's lowest-common-denominator heartland.


    Another Argos. The sender either didn't say what branch it was or we lost the email.


    "Just" 25 left in Shepherd's Bush! Better hurry down there in the next 18 months if you want one.


    Camden - 31. That'll do.


    Camden again, from someone else two days later. It's probably just a coincidence, eh?


    This person didn't say where it was. We didn't ask as we're sort of in a hurry to upload this and shame Sony to the world.




    Malvern Argos. Sitting on a few.


    Scunthorpe! Who would've thought they'd have fancy electronic displays in places like Scunthorpe?


    Sheffield. Not exactly sold out. That's your lot. Make of it what you will. Thanks for all your hard work. You have once again outperformed all other readers of all other ex-SEGA blogs.


    We're going to go to Manchester and shake every man, woman and child by the hand. Good work, people. Your resistance and bravery will be remembered for eternity.

    When historians pinpoint the precise moment it went wrong for Sony and PlayStation3, they will say "Manchester, March 23, 2007, at the Arndale Shopping Centre, at about 4 o'clock".


    FROM MANCHESTER: "This was taken in the Manchester Arndale Shopping Centre at about 4 o'clock on Friday. Guess Virgin Megastores are desperate to get rid of the 328 PS3s they have lying around" - Phil, Manchester.


    PlayStation3 registered an 82 percent drop in hardware sales for the week ending April 1, its second week on sale in the UK, according to official Chart Track hardware sales figures we're not supposed to have.

    This is not really a surprise, as everyone who wanted a PS3 now has a PS3. Its brief blip of possible popularity has ended.

    Chart Track only publicly released software sales figures for the last week, which were slightly more flattering to PS3 - showing over a 60 percent drop, as everyone who only bought Motorstorm bought Resistance and everyone who only bought Resistance bought Motorstorm.

    Argos PS3 stock shame

    And if someone from Sony Europe says this is due to "stock issues" it will be the single biggest lie in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD. It's quite unlikely that a press release will be issued about these figures.

    Virgin Woking - Painful countdown

    PS3 is now a 100 percent verified disaster! And if you believed Chart Track's "165,000" you now have to believe Chart Track's "82 percent drop". Poor you.

    Happy days. Some photo we used either today or last week came from the person who does this. It's a link to some student radio, so you don't have to click on it. We're just being polite.

    FROM GERMANY: "I'm a Brit and I live in South Germany. I thought you might like to see a picture of the unsold stack of PS3s in the local MediaMarkt store (Huge German Electrical/Electronic Chain). I usually go into the store at least twice a week and the stack hasn't moved in the past week. Only 599 Europounds. Hardly compares to the XBox 360 which is 299 Europounds. All the best, Colin."

    Nobody queued outside Nook's when PS3 went on sale, either. We should also link to Mr Biffo's awesome anecdote about Phil Harrison. If you like reading stories about people under great stress going mental in public, this is ideal.

    We have literally 100s of photos like this. And WANT MORE!