In which nasty stupid children and parents blame everything on video games instead of, say, them being morons. It features such amazing lies as "kids don't go to school any more" and "it's more damaging than any chemical addiction" - and that's just in the first 50 seconds!




Amazingly, this was a proper TV show that went out on proper TV in the UK, not just a joke some disabled-looking fat people put together for YouTube. Poor old Sir Trevor McDonald used to present proper news, not just made-up rubbish for morons like this.




The only thing we'd trust that kid's mum to be in charge of is selling us some chips and a burger at 3.30am, and maybe cleaning our house, but only if we were there to make sure she didn't steal anything to fund the buying of whatever it is she's injecting.




In this one, some fat weirdo says he used to wee in a bottle while playing Xbox 360 and PS2 and Gamecube so he didn't have to stop playing. He had a chair with wheels on so he could switch between the three consoles! That's a great idea! We must get one of these 'chairs with wheels'.




In this one a woman says her kid went paranoid and mad because of a game and then killed himself. That's madness. It's OK to kill yourself over something important like postings on an internet forum, but not over something as trivial as a video game.




This was on TV two weeks ago, so we're really pleased with the speed in which we've turned this update around.




It carries on for half an hour. The above is the whole first ten minutes. Oh, and it would appear we are becoming one of those web sites that's just a huge list of links to YouTube videos.




This is the second ten minutes.




This is the final 2.35 minutes. YouTube won't let you do more than ten minutes at a time. It might get taken down when ITV sees it on there, so don't blame us if the link's broken when you're reading this in 2009. The joke's on us though, as we'll be in jail after being made an example of by the copyright police.

EMERGENCY LOW-RES BACK-UP
When ITV does find out and makes YouTube take it all down because it's copyrighted material for which we don't own the rights or have permission from the owner to use, you can download the full file here. It's 27MB, so don't download it just for fun, else our internet will run out. We're not a cash-burning internet start-up, you know.

Instead of, like before, playing it in secret with the curtains closed and the music down really low and a cushion in front of the *gaming device* we had to use to play it on:



Hopefully out on Xbox 360 before the end of the year, though they'd better not go pulling any of that 'microtransaction shit' on us. And don't let the Americans be in charge of all the music, either.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Here we go then! We're not there, but it's still exciting to imagine.

17.58pm It's about to start!

18.00pm It's probably a bit late starting!

18.05pm It's probably started!

18.08pm Peter Moore is probably saying something about how great a start it's been for Xbox 360. Maybe he will take a sly sideswipe at PS3, while subtly advocating Nintendo Wii!

18.10pm The crowd is probably getting a bit bored now, and just wishing they'd show a trailer of Halo 3 or DoA Xtreme 2, instead of talking about how many people downloaded Cloning Clyde.

18.18pm If we were there, we'd be hoping some dancing girls dressed like Ulala take to the stage to herald the immediate availability of Space Channel 5 Part 3 on Xbox Live Arcade.

18.25pm At this point in procedings we tend to look down at our dictaphone to see that it has stopped recording. Or we forgot to start it recording in the first place. Oh well, we can always just rewrite everything from Eurogamer tomorrow.

18.32pm At this point we might have summoned up the courage to take a photograph!

18.40pm 40 minutes in, all the girls in the room should have been neatly categorised and given scores out of ten. This is always the most important part of any event.

18.50pm It's probably about to finish.

18.57pm It's probably finished! Time to head off to whatever event they have planned and be the most drunk person by miles within 30 minutes.

Phew! That's that over with for another year.

Obviously we didn't go to the Tokyo Game Show, due to not being important, respected, liked, trusted, influential, reliable, popular or responsible enough. But we did the next best thing - we got someone who was going to take photos of all the identical little Japanese girl things!

As ever, we expected to get back maybe three unusable blurry photos taken from too far away using the most fashionable and very latest mobile phones. But no! Our 'anonymous source' totally delivered, saying he "felt like a right dirty old man at first but everyone's at it" and that "they're very forthcoming and don't mind posing at all. Especially the cosplayers. They just love showing off and flashing their bits for the camera".

Here's the meat:




If you think we're writing captions for 68 photos of girls with all the same smile you can go melon farm yourselves.














Six pictures in and the winner has already been revealed. You can go back to NewsNow or Kotaku, or wherever it was you clicked on this link.






We'd like to make a deposit in that lovely, soft bank.










If you click on these pictures you should be able to see a bigger version. We say should, as there's no way we're bothering to check that 68 links work.




Doesn't that thing she's doing with her fingers mean something rude? When we were at school it meant 'put your tongue in me'. Mind you, that was in 1967 and times have changed a bit since.
















This is the one we pondered over most. She's weird looking, but extremely cute. Under proper lighting conditions she could either be amazingly hot or all lopsided and geeky.




Too westernised. 4/10.




Too much like a character from an American PC MMORPG. 3/10.








What a lovely smile! This photo must've been taken within the first five minutes of the show doors opening, before her delicate, butterfly-like soul was STOMPED INTO SHIT by 50,000 geeks trying to get a photo when she's bending down.








This one turned out nice. Good sense of movement.








Getting one like that to consent is one of our ambitions.




Yes, there's still lots more. This is the halfway point.












We really should learn how to do that thing other web sites do, where they have a link that says "Read more" that goes to a second page. It would add an air of professionalism that would surely see us 'headhunted' by Kotaku or Joystiq so we could do this sort of thing for money.




At the moment we do this for aggravation and legal threats.
















Respect goes out to KOEI, for opting not to dress its booth girls in outfits influenced by fuedal Japan, and instead making them look like Asian prostitute robots from the near future.




More Asian prostitute robots from the near future. Roll on 2012!




Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday.










This is a character from some Japanese game. It's probably quite close to how she looks in the game.






Oh dear. This photo really needed to be not blurry. Still, you can get quite a good idea.




Even Japanese women can't think of anyone else to cosplay as than Kasumi. The TGS organisers are banning Kasumis from 2007's show.










We'd really like to get our hands on that - then fold it up neatly and put it in the cupboard with all our other rare SEGA t-shirts.




PROPER JOKE CAPTION: Rockstar's Table Tennis has been redesigned a bit for the Japanese market!!





Sorry if you're on a capped broadband service. You've just used up all of September and October's allowance.














That's it. That's what happens to the "main page" when you put 68 photos on it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as we hated resizing everything and doing all the links.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)

The PlayStation3 hype rollercoaster has just rolled over the top of the high point and is now crashing downwards at full speed. It's like 1995 and 1999 all over again. We've been here before. All you have to do now is not listen to anything or look at the internet for six months and it will all have passed.




The Tokyo Game Show has just happened. Lots of bad news was said at it. Like when Tecmo said Ninja Gaiden, which is the best game ever even including Sonic The Hedgehog, was going to be on PlayStation3.




Not only is Ninja Gaiden going to PS3, it's also got playable Rachel in it. This is as disastrous as a plane full of anthrax crashing into your house three minutes before you were scheduled to lose your virginity to Cheryl Tweedy and evil clone Cheryl Tweedy.




Then we saw some more screenshots of Virtua Fighter 5. We thought about saying Wolf's chest looks a bit lumpy on his right-hand side there, but we'd just be lying to ourselves. This looks amazing, and is therefore as disastrous as going on a long drive and realising you forgot all your CDs but it's OK as your girlfriend remembered to bring her Snow Patrol B-sides collection.




Then we saw screenshots of Devil May Cry 4. We momentarily laughed because Devil May Cry isn't as good as Ninja Gaiden and Tecmo said that Ninja Gaiden would NEVER... and so the dark sadness fell again.




Then there was Heavenly Sword. We thought about pointing out that the bloke's hand is a bit square and his fingers are rubbish, and maybe saying Heavenly Sword has "set video game hands back 15 years" but that would seem like clutching at straws. And we've clutched at our straws so much they're perfectly flat and the plastic has melted together from our angry body heat. They're not even straws any more, they're McDonalds tea stirrers now.




At least Gran Turismo "HD" looked awful still. So that was the Tokyo Game Show. A few PS3 games looked OK which is bad, but the plus side is that everyone's still laughing at Sony for slashing the price of PS3 and changing the spec because it HASN'T GOT A CLUE what it's doing despite having been doing this for a decade. So it's kind of OK but not really OK. It's OK. We'll be OK. And remember, the press release that's coming in November and March about PS3 being "the fastest-selling console in history" has already been written, and the reason it sold out is because they only made 12.

THINGS WE'VE BEEN SAYING TO OURSELVES RECENTLY
1. We don't want to play Metal Gear Solid 4 anyway

2. The Virtua Fighter series peaked with VF3

3. Rachel's tits aren't that amazing they're worth spending 500 quid on rotating a camera around

4. We can't keep this up for another five years.

Thanks everyone! It was an enjoyable day yesterday, as the reptilian overlords behind Wikipedia battled to retain control of the site's Lair entry. We particularly enjoyed the subtle addition of the word 'minge', which stayed undetected for some six hours.




THE BEST ACTS OF VANDALISM:

"It is rumored, however, the game may support between 0 and 1 players"

"Premium will ship with 30 dragons but the Basic edition will ship with no dragons. One of the main features of the online package will be the option to purchase extra dragons via 'sonsactions'"

"...a screenshot released shows a man in heavy armour riding a mighty monkey steed"

"Lair is a upcoming game being developed by Factor 5 and published through Sony Computer Entertainment America for the Sony PlayStation 3 video game console. It uses the Wii controller's tilt functions for movement within the game"

"Lair is a collection of captured images from Sean Connery crap-fest "Dragonheart". They will be exclusively viewable on Sony's billion dollar PS3"

The premise of the game revolves around ordering pewter dragons from mail-order companies that advertise in the back of Sunday supplement magazines. The more dragons you order, the bigger your army (the combat phase of gameplay takes place within the impoverished fantasy life of the game's hirsute protagonist, Simon), although this leads to an increasing chance of you defaulting on your installment plan, and having your kneecaps shattered by a sociopathic bailiff, 'Bricka'"

"You will need two PS3s, two copies of Lair from the same shop of the same edition (five editions are confirmed), a link cable and two SonyLAIR HDTVs as on all other TVs the graphics are scrambled"

AND THE WINNER:

"...it wants to be a launch title, because dragon games sell"

Scroll through all the edits by reading the article's history page. As you read, you may like to stay mentally active by pondering WHAT SORT OF PERSON spends all day reloading a Wikipedia entry on an obscure PS3 game to correct minor acts of vandalism?

Is it time to die yet?




So old. So tired. Ready to sleep now.

Labels: GONZO

What happened here is that Sony pasted a pretend energy bar and HUD onto a CG image, and some people sort of believed it for a while there:




This is the 'BEFORE' shot, from back when the entire internet didn't make up 10,000 Photoshop jokes about PS3 every day (we're very proud of you all).




And this is what it really looks like running on PS3. At least they got the Stamina gauge right, although they forgot what side they put it on when making the actual game.

HOW YOU CAN HELP:
Please vandalise the game's Wikipedia entry accordingly.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM, LIES

It's odd that things we clearly remember from 1996 are now nostalgic remnants of gaming history, but still - if you're only 15 years old and came here from MySpace looking for porn you probably never saw this SEGA Saturn advert from 1996.

You were lucky in that respect.




What does it even MEAN? Were we really so innocent as a nation in 1996 that stuff like this seemed all edgy and cool and risque? Or was SEGA just loads shitter than we remember?




We'll have her geo-located to within six centimetres by home time.

Labels: HISTORY

Updates suspended for the foreseeable future as we struggle to marry two facts:

FACT A: It's on PS3 therefore it MUST be shit.

FACT B: It's by SEGA therefore it MUST be amazing.

ADDITIONAL FACT C: We'll be sitting in the bathroom rocking backwards and forwards for a while pooing and weeing on ourselves trying to decide which editorial stance to take.




The only option is to pretend these are Xbox 360 or PC screenshots. Yes, that's it. VF5 will be announced for Xbox 360 next week! That's clearly what's about to happen. That's why they took all these new screenshots. Look, they're in widescreen just like Xbox 360!




The truth is too horrible to consider.




We can't go saying something on PS3 looks good.




All we can do is...




...maybe we could say that only SEGA is good enough to make PS3 games look good? Because SEGA's better at programming and stuff.




That could work as an 'angle' to make this seem like a happier day.




Even then it feels wrong.




Maybe we should pretend VF5 doesn't exist?




It's just all too much. You know SEGA's original 2001 masterplan had this down as a Dreamcast 2 launch game :(

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Not just for having the most Spanish-sounding names you could possibly imagine, but also for spearheading SEGA's push into Spain - with the opening of a new SEGA office in Madrid.

VIVA (the men in charge of) SEGA ESPAGNA!




Jose is standing in front of Shadow. This means he's evil, so is probably in advertising or marketing.




Javier is standing in front of Sonic! So he's the good one, and probably does something useful and popular like handing out the mail or petty cash. This is such a beautiful photo we've made it desktop size. Together they are... SEGA SPAIN! Vamos SEGA Espagnol!

"WE ARE ENCHANTED TO ON BOARD GIVE TO THE WELCOME TO JAVIER AND JOSE" (THE PRESS RELEASE FED THROUGH BABELFISH, AS THAT'S BEEN FUNNY SINCE WE FIRST GOT THE INTERNET IN 1995):

SEGA RETURNS To SPAIN

SEGA of Europe announces the opening of their new Spanish office, agreeing with 15 anniversary of Sonic.

SEGA Europe Ltd., today makes the opening public of their new office in Madrid, Spain.

The return of the emblematic Japanese company to our country obeys to the consolidation strategy as one of the main publishers in the new generation of platforms of electronic entertainment adopted by SEGA and supposes a recognition to the growth and potential of the Spanish market.

SEGA of Spain begins their walking with an equipment of Marketing and Communication, headed by Javier Rodriguez - Director of Marketing - and Jose Herráez - PR Manager -. During the stage of implementation of the Japanese company in Spain, including the next campaign navideña, the SEGA titles will continue being distributed by Atari.

"The Spanish market has received great relevance in the last years and it has become one of most important of Europe." It affirms to Mike Hayes, President and COO of SEGA Europe. "The opening of a seat of SEGA in Spain is a logical step in our strategy of growth and we are enchanted to on board give to the welcome to Javier and Jose."

Javier Rodriguez, Director of Marketing of SEGA of Spain, affirms. "SEGA is an emblematic mark that has written whole chapters in the history of the videojuegos. SEGA of Spain is born with the ambition to settle down as one of the marks leaders in the new generation of videojuegos. The opening of the Spanish office supposes an exciting challenge and our plans for the future are going to excite and to surprise all the sector of the videojuegos."

On SEGA® SEGA Europe Ltd.
It is the European division of Japanese the SEGA Corporation, one of the companies leaders in the edition of software of entertainment for consoles, PC and moving bodies. For more information, it visits www.sega-europe.com

The order has already been given for someone to take photos of SEGA Spain's office. It's probably a little red brick building with pinatas outside and a dead bull in the car park.

This is the back of a man's sister's chair. He says the design looks a bit like Dr Robotnik, although she insists it's meant to be flowers.




Beat that.

Labels: GONZO

This is a photo of a sign in the car park at SEGA Europe. Someone's being a parking space nazi. You can see some interesting uses of capital letters.



This out-bores our update about the SEGA Park carpet by some 25 percent. We're sorry about this for many reasons. Has anyone got a less interesting SEGA photograph than this?

Labels: GONZO

You can see his little heart breaking, as he mentally weighs up the pros of eating sweets and playing games all day against the cons of being popular.



No free things or parties for you, Porky Piggywinkle. Best you can hope for is to get in the top 1000 of something on Xbox Live.

Labels: GONZO

Coronation Street, the rubbish soap opera about the tedious lives of poor people who live in the North of England, featured Sonic The Hedgehog in its episode broadcast on Sunday August 27. They were playing it on PC, so it might have been an illegal ROM.

Although, as someone from SEGA told us this was going to happen about five months ago, it looks like a cleverly worked PR trick. Because even though it's a laughably bad pantomime of a show, Coronation Street is watched by about 12 million people. Stupid people who can't afford games consoles and think chips count as vegetables, but it's still quite a coup.



"If we was all as fast as Sonic, there'd be a lot fewer accidents on the road"

PLEASE NOTE:
We're not becoming one of those sites that's just a list of YouTube videos. Promise. It's a coincidence. We probably won't do another one of these for six months now. We're also quite proud of this one as it required (a) finding the episode, (b) downloading the torrent, (c) editing the relevant chunk out of it, and (d) putting the clip on YouTube. This is the first new technical thing we've learned since getting a DVD player in 1999.

They'll be accused of dumbing down again, but we kind of like it.




SmackDown covers always sell.

Labels: LIES

We know! He will be here! We will be approximately ten metres away from him in the same room, signalling our sexual availability by dangling a red handkerchief from our back pocket.

THE PROPER PRESS RELEASE, SO THIS UPDATE LOOKS A BIT LESS WEIRD AND FRIGHTENING:

5th September 2006. GameCity is beside itself with excitement in announcing the confirmation of game music legend Richard Jacques, who will performing an exclusive live set at GameCity this October. Performing principally on pianoforte, Jacques will be treating the audience to a series of specially arranged renditions, forming a retrospective of some of the most loved SEGA classics.

Following his appearance at the Hollywood Bowl with the Los Angeles Philharmonic, Richard is delighted to be back performing in the UK. He says, "I'm really excited to be appearing at GameCity and highlight the role of music in videogames. It's a rare event that makes game culture truly accessible to the public, but it's so important that it's done. I can't wait."

This unique concert event will take place at 2pm on Saturday 28th October, in the majestic setting of St Mary's Church in the Lace Market, Nottingham - which will be candle-lit for the event. Whilst the precise contents of the set-list must remain undisclosed, we are able to reveal that "Sonic the Hedgehog Medley", "Shenmue Improvisations" and "Outrun" WILL be being performed.

Phil Lamb, UK Product Manager at SEGA, commented: "Richard Jacques is a talented musician who has produced some fantastic music for SEGA over the years. Richard's many contributions have complimented the games perfectly and have really enhanced the experience for the players. Having most recently worked with us on some cracking remixes on the soundtrack for OutRun2, Richard has proved to be a real hit with SEGA fans everywhere."

In 2005, Jacques' game music was performed by the Los Angeles Philharmonic at the Hollywood Bowl for "Video Games Live" to more than 11, 000 fans of video games and orchestral and choral music. Not only was Jacques' music selected for the world's largest video game music symphony concert, accompanied by cinematics on the big screen and laser light show, but given his expertise and knowledge of live orchestra Jacques was also invited to arrange and orchestrate the special retro Classic Arcade Medley featuring over 20 games from Pong to Donkey Kong including such classics as Dragon's Lair, Tetris, Frogger, Gauntlet, Space Invaders and Outrun. In addition, having scored games in the multi-million selling Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, Jacques was selected to arrange and orchestrate the Sonic medley, prompting high praise from Sonic creator Yuji Naka himself.

With the supporting bill yet to be disclosed, Jacques is already providing one of the hottest tickets for GameCity 2006.

NOTE:
"Performing principally on pianoforte" means Richard Jacques will be playing SEGA songs on a piano! We will be performing principally on our penises as Rich soothes us away into a candlelit dream world filled with SEGA music.

Labels: RICHARD

A friend of UKR is after a J2ME developer to help with a new mobile project.

If you're interested, email us and we'll forward your details in confidence. It's a serious and proper project that sounds very exciting and will involve being paid, not just doing all your best stuff for free on the internet like an idiot.

Why does everyone with a Google Video game show look disabled? Do they get extra benefits from the government for doing this?



Don't complain. Even if he is, it's OK to laugh at disabled people again thanks to Ricky Gervais. Possibly disabled video game show man.

This is what four months of being pawed and abused by cretins like us can do to a woman:



They're making her do her own hair now the budget's been spent. We're officially downgrading her from a Category A 'immediately marry' to a Category C 'would let put it in mouth'.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)