"In case you weren't aware yet, McDonalds in America has made a deal with Nintendo to make six Nintendo-themed toys for their Happy Meals, asking kids to "Take The Mario Challenge" (whatever the fuck that means). However, it would appear to anyone clever enough to see through Nintendo's paper-thin disguise that the "toys" are actually sex aids for the kids' parents and "Take The Mario Challenge" translates directly to "Let Mario And His Friends Help You Jizz All Over Your C&A Jogging Bottoms".
"Please find enclosed photos of the three most dubious items."
"I hope you will all join me in "Taking The Mario Challenge" by grabbing a hold of young Yoshi and giving the old boy a jolly sound thrashing."
Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)
THE BOX OF JOY
IGN UK'S MOST PATRONISING LOWLIGHTS:
"That's right -- IGN has moved across the Atlantic and opened an office in olde Londontowne"
"IGN's US and UK staff will form an invincible gaming Voltron hell-bent on defeating Robeasts throughout the galaxy"
"We'll also provide some UK reviews to give a second opinion on many games that appeal to a more European audience, such as rally racing and soccer titles"
"Expect the use of words such as "colour," "blimey" and "wanker" in those articles"
SONIC'S BACK, IN HIS MOST CORPORATE ADVENTURE YET!
GET CLOSER TO THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT THAN EVER BEFORE IN SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!
MICROSOFT TO SUPPLY 'NEW FRIENDS' FOR SONIC'S EXCITING DEBUT ON XBOX 360
"Push my buttons" - sounds a bit like turning a woman on "Let me go on top" - split-screen gaming phrase that sounds a bit like a sexual position "Waggle my stick" - by 'stick' they might actually mean 'cock' and by 'waggle' they might mean 'masturbate' or 'rub' even though no one uses sticks any more "You came up my arse" - driving game reference that could also possibly also infer anal sex "Let's take turns" - possible roasting/group sex multiplayer misunderstanding with hilarious and/or sexual harassment in the workplace consequences. "There's a party in my pocket" - your new handheld gaming device is as much fun as having a wank
SONIC GETS A CARPETING
By Michael Zorg
"Oh, do we HAVE to?" moaned Sonic, as Amy dragged him through the car park of Carpet Megastore.
"Yes, Sonic, we DO" said Amy, firmly, tugging his hand and quickening her walk.
"You've worn them all out with your constant spinning"
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Sonic was thinking he'd rather be anywhere than shopping for carpets. Not only shopping for carpets, but shopping for carpets with Amy. Amy loved shopping for carpets, heck, Amy loved shopping for anything!
Last Saturday it was ring holders, the Saturday before it was emerald stands, the Saturday before that was... something Sonic really wasn't interested in and also considered a waste of time buying.
This Saturday was carpets.
Sonic trudged along behind Amy, occasionally pretending he had an opinion on a carpet before being told it wasn't good enough and they had to carry on looking. Perhaps, later, they may have to go to another carpet store to see more carpets, said Amy, such was the lack of a suitable carpet in this shop that contained 1000 carpets.
Sonic, unusually for him, was dragging his feet and walking slowly. So slowly, in fact, that Amy had wandered off ahead of him separating the two of them.
It was Cream!
"Oh, er, hey Cream!" said Sonic, nervously glancing around to make sure Amy wasn't about. "How are you?"
"Oh, you know, bored of shopping for carpets. Mum made me come, she says the one in my bedroom is all worn out because I'm always spinning on it. How I hate shopping for carpets!"
"Yeah, carpets are stupid!" said Sonic, after once again checking that Amy wasn't within earshot.
"No, wait! Come and see what I've found!" Cream said, her eyes suddenly widening and, unbeknownst to Sonic, weeing herself slightly from being so excited.
Before he could protest, Cream grabbed Sonic by the hand and ran very fast - almost as fast as Sonic himself! - through the carpet store into a dark, deserted aisle.
Cream pointed to an old cylinder of carpet. It was grey with a blue design. It was dusty, and had probably lain there untouched since about 1992.
"The design, Sonic, look at the design!!"
Cream pulled Sonic roughly toward the carpet rack, and punched the old carpet to remove some of the dust. Sonic sneezed, waved the dust from the air and peered at the carpet.
"It's... it's ME!"
"Yes, Sonic! You're so famous and cool they made a carpet after you!"
Sonic couldn't believe his eyes. They had made a carpet after him! Probably in 1992, when he was the most famous because of Sonic 2 on the Mega Drive.
"Wow!" said Sonic, grabbing the frayed end of the carpet and yanking it hard to unfurl a fresh, clean and dust free section. "It's as good as new!"
"Yes, and so soft!" said Cream, as she unfurled loads more carpet, until carpet was covering the entire width of the aisle!
Cream stroked the carpet, then lay down on it. She rolled over onto her tummy, letting her little orange dress ride up to reveal her white knickers.
"Come here, Sonic!"
Sonic looked around nervously.
"Come on! It's all soft and like new!" giggled Cream, slipping off her orange shoes and lying back on the carpet, playfully kissing the woven Sonic image on the carpet and smiling up at the real Sonic standing there in front of her.
Sonic looked around nervously again, before smiling - with attitude! - and rolling up beside Cream on the lovely soft carpet.
"It's so soft, isn't it?" said Cream, gently, stroking the carpet and gradually moving her hand toward Sonic, then stroking Sonic's arm.
Sonic looked at Cream. "Yes, Cream, it's very soft and I..."
It was Amy.
"What the HELL are you doing with HER?!"
"Oh, Amy! It's, er, I can..." stuttered Sonic.
"I'm going home!" squealed Amy in a very angry voice indeed.
Amy then turned around and started to run at full speed - but she was so angry she didn't look where she was going and hit her head on a metal carpet rail.
Amy fell on the ground. You could tell she was dead immediately, because of the brain and stuff that had come out.
"Oh well" said Sonic.
"Oh well" said Cream.
Sonic grabbed the carpet cutting tool and cut off a length of the Sonic carpet, rolled Amy's body up in it and put it in a big trolley. They paid for the carpet - it was cheap because it was so old - and then Sonic and Cream drove in Amy's car to some cliffs and threw the carpet-wrapped body off into the sea, where it sank to the bottom and was never found.
They then went home and had sex on the threadbare carpet in Sonic's house, but they didn't notice that the carpet was threadbare because sex is better and more fun than carpets.
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW?
Each post .02% worse than the last.
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand.
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass.
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near.
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend.
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny.
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It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.