UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Is this International Women Journalists Moaning About Games month?

BBC NEWS | Technology | Women gear up for gaming invasion

  • The Sims sold to lots of women
  • Women "tend to be more social"
  • "There are few adverts for games in women's magazines"
  • Obviously it's just a man with his skin painted blue.

    Which makes it OK.

    And normal.

    No sir, nothing weird about this sequence of events at all.

    If UKR had a budget for hiring models, this is EXACTLY the sort of thing we'd do pretty much most days.

    H-Cosplay : le cosplay hentai sexy !
    Complete with authentic urban dialogue.

    (We're starting the backlash an incredible TWO YEARS early on this one).

    Please let them set it in a wealthy white suburb this time, then we won't have to automatically hate it. The music can be by Daniel Bedingfield. He's nice.

    Image stolen from French web site Jeux France -- which speaks in the sort of language Lord Horation Nelson fought so valiantly to obliterate -- which seems to think it's a genuine "concept" image of the game running on PS3. The game, and PS3, will suck, obviously.

    We're off to give it one star on Amazon.
    The Nintendo DS Storage Case Storage Case Storage Case Horizontal Case System V2.

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  • Zip
  • Compartment
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  • Not only that, but the Nintendo DS Storage Case Storage Case Storage Case Horizontal Case System V2 is backwardsly recompatible with the GBA SP GBA Color Adaptor Case Pack II, making it ideal for keeping tabs on all your other cases.

    From the makers of DVD WIPEZ, the XBOX STAND TIDY, the PS2 CABLE-TIE TRAY and the NINTENDO GAMECUBE.
    Today Phantasy Star Online Episode 4 came to the English speaking world for the first time. It brought with it new areas, quests, items, monsters and (they promise, soon, honestly) bosses.

    Now, because the Japanese have already had the game for a while, all Ep4 content has hitherto been banned on the Western servers in order to prevent unfair advantages and to stop hackers pulling the new items out of the game's code. Now, however, the true fans can finally reap the rewards of their patience and loyalty to Sega!

    Except they can't. Because Sonic Team's monkeys can't figure out how to unban the new content and anyone trying to pick up a rare item is being kicked from the game.

    When asked for comment, the moderator of the Blue Burst forum on said that fixing the glitch was a high priority, and that he doesn't believe that PSO has any major bugs in it apart from this.

    In the meantime the RAcasts are deserting the sinking ship in... well, slightly higher volume than usual. Has anyone got the phone number for Japan? It's time to tell Yuji Naka we want his "Lifetime Achievement Award" back.
    "GameHand has been specifically designed to reduce and/or eliminate slippage on controllers and blisters from aggressive play, so that you can experience maximum results in your game controller usage."

    And yes, he is called Zac

    "...and THAT is why we hate American kids"

    NEW CITY, NY -- June 9, 2005 -- Zac Bandremer, a video game player for many years, had a problem. So did most of his friends, and presumably millions of other players around the world, as well. During intense video game play, hands would begin to slip on the smooth plastic controllers of their games, thereby affecting a player's success, and ruining their fun. So Zac, along with his dad Scott, decided to do something about it. After experimenting with various materials, Zac and his dad have hit the bullseye.

    "I take my video games seriously. I think most players do. With my dad's help, we've come up with a radical looking glove that's made with a super sticky palm that grips the controller like nothing else, and it looks really, really cool, too! All of my friends use it."

    With a worldwide potential market of tens of millions of people, and a price of under $20 a pair, Zac has big plans for the GameHand glove. GameHand currently is offered in three color combinations (black and red, black and blue, and black and neon yellow), is made from stretchable nylon/lycra which offers a one-size-fits-all perfect second-skin fit for all size hands, has exposed fingertips for maximum sensory experience, and even comes with a built-in sweatband and an easy in-easy out Velcro enclosure. The sticky palm and fingers are produced through a specialized embossed silicone process, with devastating effects.

    Zac and his dad are now busy marketing GameHand to stores and distributors where video games are sold, as well as on their web site, Zac's even writing a GameHand newsletter each month, as well as providing ZacChat for video game players to meet and talk about the latest in video game play. Zac is now being scheduled for interviews with all media outlets, as his is a classic story of young American entrepreneurial spirit at its best. As long as he gets his homework done, of course!

    "I know I'm a kid and all, but my goal is to get this glove into the hands of players everywhere, and make this the biggest thing. That would be very cool. I'm really proud I helped invent the GameHand. You gotta love the glove! "


    Who is Zac, and what exactly is his role with GameHand?
    Zac, currently a 14 year old in ninth grade, has been a serious video game player for many years. He was the inspiration for the development of GameHand, and along with his dad, helped to come up with the most cutting edge accessory on the videogame market, which anyone, of any age, can use. Zac is the official spokesman for GameHand products, and is involved with all television, radio, print and online interviews. More questions for Zac? Just send them to

    How will GameHand help me when using my video game controllers?
    GameHand has been specifically designed to reduce and/or eliminate slippage on controllers and blisters from aggressive play, so that you can experience maximum results in your game controller usage.

    What special grip features does GameHand have on the gloves?
    The palm and fingers of GameHand are uniquely encoded with our tested and perfected embossed silicone process, providing you with the confidence to grip any controller with ease and no-slip assurance.

    What is the rest of the glove made of?
    The remainder of the GameHand glove is constructed from nylon/lycra, an ultra-lightweight, stretchable, moisture absorbing material that conforms faithfully to the contours of the hand in a comfortable, second-skin manner, and provides a true hand-like feel while protecting the hand from abrasions.

    Why are the fingertips exposed when wearing the glove?
    This provides a maximum sensory experience for the fingertips, as well as allowing your hand to breathe within the glove. This means the GameHand can be worn for hours at a time, and does not stiffen if it gets wet or sweaty.

    Why is there a Velcro enclosure and sweatband?
    The Velcro opening allows easy in – easy out of the glove. And the sweatband? Well, we all know that serious players can get a bit sweaty while playing their games, so this allows one to wipe their brow with ease. And GameHand is easy to periodically clean right in the wash.

    Why One Size Fits All?
    GameHand has been especially developed with super stretchable nylon/lycra that enables players of all ages with various size hands to fit easily into the gloves, with a perfect fit everytime. Remember, the fit should be like a second skin, clinging to your hand firmly.
    Well done to everyone who took part. The first fifty of you who who sent us emails to tell us that it wasn't Sephiroth win a 32" plasma screen TV.

    After that they just didn't hurt any more.
    It's GoldenEye: Rogue Agent for DS!! And look! You can shoot men in a dock area full of crates!!! How AWESOME is that?!?!! Nintendo DS is opening up numerous brave new worlds of gaming experiences!!!! It's not just a console for shite versions of major franchises at all!

    (If we were Shigeru Miyamoto or that Iwata bloke from Nintendo everyone interviews all the time, we'd be too ashamed to leave the house by now).

    COMING SOON: Mario's Terrorist Hunt, Mario's Squad-based War, and Mario's Stealth Adventure. Honestly, Nintendo's useless DS makes us want to CUT THE FINGERS OFF everyone who works in the games industry with a Stanley knife.
    Tim De Lisle of the normally reliable Guardian came up with 40 reasons why Star Wars sucks. Amongst these are:

    - The length
    - The size (which apprently is different to the length)
    - Something to do with movie historians
    - The characters never eating
    - Compares negatively to Homer's Iliad
    - The weapons are shit (apart from lightsabers)
    - Lucas "Could have done more" with C-3PO
    - It won too many Oscars
    - It's too popular
    - Han turns from a mercenary to a boy scout within "Two hours" (it takes nearly three years of story time)

    Suspiciously lacking from the list are:

    - Because it's shit
    - Because it's shit
    - Because it's shit
    - Because it's shit
    - Because Lucas not only attempts to examine the flawed mythos underpinning the series in minute fanwankery detail in the prequels and thus displays a basic misunderstanding of what made them fun in the first place but actually manages to turn them from rip-roaring swashbucklers into pandering family trash in the process
    - Because it's shit

    Bored weekend, Tim?
    Congratulations to lady-oriented web site Female First for using the phrase "genetically-enhanced solider MASTER CHEF" while talking about the Halo movie.

    We've taken a screenshot of the article just in case they change it and then lie about it being a typo.

    Halo: Battle Over X-Box Halo Film

  • Always check it through with a man first.
  • Youth hit by lightning while playing SOCOM II on his PS2:

    "Sam Travers was on his Playstation 2 when his home in Poole was hit by lightning during the electrical storm which hit Dorset in the earlier hours of yesterday. Sam, 16 the day before, was blown backwards by the shock as the roof above him caught fire."

    Thank God he didn't have an Xbox. They'd still be trying to get to the bottom of the burning crater.

    This gay.

    Come, my evil minions! Let's have a pillow fight.

    Sephiroth is meant to be thirty two. THIRTY TWO. Now he looks and sounds like a fourteen year old girl.

    That's half OUR readership alienated, then.

    Look, Ariss actually has tits now. The original playstation didn't have enough pixels to show all the rasters on the old Arris, which is why she died.


    Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. That looks like the heading picture for a sixteen year old's webpage of Cloud and Tifa wedding fanfiction. You can just imagine it surrounded by animated GIFs and a background colour that makes the content mercifully illegible.

    Having said that, it does look great from the trailers. Having said that, so did Thunderbirds.
    Not in any way a thinly veiled excuse to post tennis babe images

    In two straight sets by Teenage Tennis Queen Maria Sharapova. If only Sonic could make it look this easy.

    Womens tennis is the best sport ever!

    Maria or Anna? Anna or Cheryl? Cheryl or Maria? Life is too difficult

    ...when it's for SEGA, who needs "literally dozens" of Game Testers:

    SEGA's working on a slew of big new titles at the moment and we need people to play them to death in order to make sure they're as good as they can possibly be.

    We have literally dozens of Game Tester vacancies available to the right people, right now here at our head office in Brentford, London. Ideally, we're looking for people who live relatively close to the office, can play games for long periods of time and have a solid attention to detail. They'll need great literacy and verbal skills, too.

    Is this you?


    SEGA Needs Game Testers!

  • You can say to people "I work for SEGA" and they'd instantly like you more than they do at the moment. Probably.
  • Might get to meet Richard Jacques.
  • You could talk about Sega all day and not be laughed at.

  • Only five pounds an hour.
  • The only thing Brentford is near is a motorway.
  • Dreams might be shattered on a daily basis.
  • * Spelled differently just in case The Old Gods are renewing their copyrights without telling us.

    This week's tip is for Kid Icarus on the Japanese Famicom. When you're in a shop, if you hold controller two up to your face and have an UNCONTROLLABLE CRYING FIT into it, the shopkeeper will break down, take pity on you and lower his prices.

    Obviously we're not going to take a second mortgage on the house in order to get a Japanese Famicom, a disk drive and a copy of the game to test this out; nonetheless WE DID NOT MAKE THIS UP. The source for this material is a history of 20 years of the NES put out by the Tokyo Metropolitan Museum of Art.

    As God is our witness, this is the last time we take the piss when people start banging on about how we owe everything we are today as gamers to the 8 bit Nintendo.
    Our least favourite thing (apart from students that are also DJs) is women who write about the games industry "from a woman's perspective".

    Sadly, "from a woman's perspective" always means "I'm going to moan for 1500 words about how I don't think enough women make games".

    The below article has lots of points where women agree with the woman that not enough women make games. It also uses the words "disingenuous" which is probably something to with periods or chocolate.

    Guardian Unlimited | Online | Jobs for the girls

    The only woman we want to hear talk about games is Cheryl Tweedy. The game would be Hide The Sausage Up My Arse, for Xbox 360.

    Our next job could be mocking up box shots for
    All over the world ringtone technology is improving, and all over the world idiotic companies are using it to produce a more bass-heavy version of the theme from Inspector Gadget or The A-Team. ONLY UK:Resistance can offer the ringtones that are assured to take their customers back to their childhoods.

    10 - Spectrum "Agent X" theme
    9 - Pounding heartbeat and tolling bell from Knightmare
    8 - Sound of muffled crying from bedroom next door
    7 - Looped sample of Jet Set Willy death noise
    6 - Slamming door
    5 - Sound of datacorder being played for 20 seconds, stopped, rewound and replayed, repeatedly and tearfully
    4 - Infantile crying accompanied by heavy, pacing footsteps. VERSION 2 - Pacing becomes more urgent and threatening the longer you allow the phone to ring!
    3 - Theme tune from Top Of The Class. WARNING TO COMMUTERS - side-effects include Debbie McGee-induced Pavlovian erection
    2 - "It'll be our secret" whispered menacingly over and over
    1 - "Children Of The Sun, Stick Your Fingers Up Your Bum"

    Offer open only as long as it takes for Tim Childs to Google himself and sue us. Pre-order NOW! When Volume 2: The 90s launches, pre-order customers receive two ringtones - both Saturn memory card being frantically re-jiggled AND Saturn MPG card being frantically re-jiggled - FREE!
    Our update about how rubbish is it to be a games tester got the following response, from someone who knows how rubbish it is to be a Nokia N-GAGE tester.

    These people work in Hell, which we can exclusively reveal is located just outside Brighton.

    This advert is a temp agency advertising for Babel Media. Babel Media in Hove, Brighton are the sole UK testers of N-GAGE SOFTWARE. There is a special room for N-Gage testing called the "Nokia Lab". Nokia have DEMANDED that *NO* N-Gages or code or anything leave the room, nor any electronics of any kind (laptops, computers, USB sticks, the works) ENTER the room. You can't even take a bag in. The room has CCTV and electronic locking devices, Metal Gear Solid style. Even Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo all let debug and test hardware roam around an open plan office as long as it is locked up at night.

    No food or drink is allowed in this room. N-Gages have to be logged and checked at all times. And get this: if the MMC needs to be removed (old style, before the QD revision) for any reason, Babel Media are required to FILM THE N-GAGE BEING OPENED on VIDEO CAMERA and have two signed witnesses sign the video tape. You cannot use a witness more than once.

    One of the Technical Requirements of N-Gage software is that the game must not run at more than 24 fps. Another is that software cannot require more than two buttons to be pressed at once. Every other week and on random occasions, men from Nokia arrive to check conditions. They wear black suits and sunglasses, ala Men In Black. They still haven't spotted the irony of the MIB2 poster on the wall.

    I swear on Ed Lomas' life that all the above is true, but if you reprint any of this, please don't print my name. Call me "Jason Ho" or something.

    Jesus, it's only an N-GAGE game not anything actually important.

    Thank you Jason Ho, for exposing the shame of the N-GAGE regime. If you have a regime you'd like to expose the shame of, please email in. There's a link down there to the right. Thanks, and we won't get you sacked by saying who you are (unless your name is Jason Ho, in which case we are sorry).
    A development by scientists working on how best to regulate internet insults this week has led to a discovery that could possibly blow the whole field wide open. It was previously believed that the gay spectrum was divided up from the bottom into two halves - the gay and the uber-gay - with each half further divided into "Gay" and "Ghey," and each of these divided into subsections of "Gay" and "Teh Gay."

    "The forthcoming generation of gaming devices is threatening to take things out of our hands," said Prof. DarkVejitto9-11 MA(hons) - Professor of Gay with Special Responsibility For How Much Things Suck On A Scale Of One To Ten - at a press conference. "Previously the field stood on relatively solid ground. Everyone agrees that the Gamecube was definitively teh uber-ghey. I mean, Mario Sunshine? Gay. Pikmin? Gay. That animal thing? Gay. I'll admit that that Eternal Evil thing where you kept hallucinating your own death was pretty sweet, and at least it had a version of Splinter Cell - but the light sourcing on that was completely gay.

    "Now, however, we are faced with the problem of where the goalpoasts will shift to once the Nintendo Revolution is released. Buying a Nintendo console must, once and for all, be an act of complete and decisive gheyness, with a launch week purchase tantamount to an admission of wearing ladies' underwear. Nonetheless, it's going to be pretty rockin' to be able to play Excitebike and shit on it, that's what Greg says and his dad works for a magazine. It is therefore vitally important that the field expand as fast as the market does - if we become stuck trotting out the same insults over and over, we're just going to look totally gay."


    Not only does the planned introduction of the areas of Post-Gay and Meta-Gay present scientists with the headache of charting out the new territory, but it presents worrying implacation for those who had, in the past, attempted a unified theory to fit "GAAAAAAAAAAAY!" into the present system. It was previously assumed that "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" occupied a grey area in the center of the gay spectrum, reserved for jovially yelling from the back seat of the car whenever one's male peers admit that Tom Cruise is pretty good looking. If the gay spectrum turns out to be larger than previously thought and the choosing of a middleground to have thus been an arbitrary piece of wooly thinking, insurmountable problems could result from the metric system's shortcomings in providing a system whereby gay can be divided.

    This will bring further confusion to an area already beset by controversy. Dr. Mark Ph.D DIAC of Dublin University has published numerous theoretical papers in which he postulates that using a dark alleyway as a controlled environment and a blunt axe as variable, dividing three gays into two is not only possible but elementary. Mark's work has drawn fire from other thinkers, however, who cite Russel's Paradox - an argued flaw in gay set theory laid down in Bertrand Russel's "Principia Pillowbiter" and stating that the group of gay things which ironically references itself cannot ever be truly gay - as proof that he is a big poof.


    The broadening of the gay spectrum promises not just a theoretical minefield, but a logistic one as well. "I cannot overemphasise the magnitude of the task faced by my coworkers [of Clan ne0-apoKKKalipz]," the Professor continued. "Obviously reading is totally gay, but Greg lent me this one once about this electric book that was quite good because the world blew up, and there was this dude who was insulting the whole universe in alphabetical order, and that's basically what we've got to do now. Only this is real, so it sucks even worse. I'd say a thirteen or a fourteen, at least." His fraternity are as yet unable to project exactly how long it will take to re-insult everyone on the internet with their new, adjusted status. They remain cautiously optimistic that ground can be covered quickly via MMORPGs, but the matter of casual gamers who have to use their computers for work remains problematic. Initially some will be sent their reclassifications via AIM, but left out in the cold will be those using other chat clients such as MSN and ICQ which have been eschewed by the clan as "Fucking gay."

    In winding up the press conference, the Professor was asked whether he could describe what the new entries to the spectrum will look like. He refused to be drawn on scientific details on the grounds that the chromodynamics would take many hours to even begin to explain. However, he hinted that the layman could get some inkling by visualising the kind of colour worn by creepy thirty year olds who hang around PSO playing a ten year old girl.

    "Pinkish purple, or maybe some kind of fuschia," he said. "You know, something gay."
    ...on Amazon, by children.

    According to Ross Haymes from Bedforshire; "The XBOX 360 offers nothing new in the way of gameplay sticking to the same roots as the fairly unsucessful XBOX and offers nothing that has not allready been seen in a games console.".

    Hmmm, maybe we should wait for PS3 after all. Thanks for the advance heads-up, Ross.

    Well done Ross, you're almost as good as Dan "one star" Emery. PC & Video Games: Xbox 360 Console
    Recently, concern has been expressed at the idea of a female writer being allowed to contribute to UK: Resistance. Many dyed in the wool (oh God, please let it be only dye) fans feel that the site's traditional misogynistic edge would be compromised by such a move. Rest assured, however, that it merely strengthens our position. Not only do women actually like making fun of women even more than men do, but we do so with a genuine hatred unalloyed by a sense of "Ooh, look at us! Aren't we postmodern and daring!" We are also unfettered by the nagging doubt at the back of the mind that maybe the bird at the end of our devastating satirical cattleprod might be reading our site, and that we might meet her one day at an industry function, and that would be our chances blown.

    For example, we can do things like this.

    Don't miss next week's issue of Well You Wouldn't Would You Weekly

    Visit now (we swear there's a letter G missing from the end of that title) and receive four broken links! ...and that's actually it. A lonely beacon in the eternal onyx night of the internet, bearing nothing more than witness to the urges of one lonely girl who doesn't even have tits as big as ours to show the world that she doesn't have the foresite to put her makeup on BEFORE a liberal dose of Dutch courage.

    Where are they now that their websites are frozen in time, these trailblazers of low self esteem? These burglar's dogs who have cracked the DaVinci code and realised that dressing up as video game fantasy figures transforms them into the belle of the ball in less time than it takes to say "What in the name of Jay Maynard's TRON costume is THAT?"

    Maybe crying.

    Maybe wanking.

    We just don't know.
    This advert makes being a "games tester" sound really cool...

    ...but the reality of being a games tester is this:

  • The games testers sit in a Portakabin several hundred yards away from the main office.
  • The Portakabin is naturally quite cramped.
  • It will smell quite bad.
  • You will be playing games that crash every five minutes and then take five minutes to load again.
  • You will play each level several thousand times.
  • You'll be playing a level that isn't even finished yet, so any bugs you report will change into new ones when the next build arrives, heightening the sense of futility you will be feeling.
  • You don't get invited to the launch parties.
  • You'll be lucky to even get a boxed copy of the game.
  • The lovely PR ladies (myth #1) won't ever have sex with you (myth #2).
  • This is probably for EA, so you'll be doing FIFA Street 2 :( - Play games all day long!! - South East
  • Are you one step away from slashing your wrists with a cheese grater? Worry no more, because UKRISPS is here.

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    - Ringtone advertisements
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    ...and that's just the start! UKRISPS Will also totally restrict your access to any webcomic apart from Penny Arcade, User Friendly, Sluggy Freelance and PvP. (Sluggy access limited to thirty seven months before it went shit. You know, the eighteenth or nineteenth time that Oasis died.) The illusion doesn't stop there, though; subscribe to UKRISPS Gold and receive repeats of past websites! Visit and pretend that it's still acceptable to enthuse about things that you like! Imagine that is still updated! Behave as if you were still in a magical wonderland of re-mapping your lost childhood or misspent adulthood! ADDED BONUS FOR JUNE: FREE access to over 10,000 emulator roms makes you able to pretend that Tim Eckel never existed!

    Each new user will not only receive their own 50k of webhosting and simulated dialup access speed (so that when you've downloaded something you feel happy with it no matter HOW shit it is), but also a free email account which will automatically generate emails from people who haven't betrayed you yet and whom you think you like!

    So join us at UK: Resistance Internet Service Provider Services. When you've had enough of being ready to rock... it's time to live under one.

    UKRISPS. Welcome to 1998.
    We've stolen this off the Gaming-Age forum, but it's OK because we're highlighting how something else was stolen from somewhere else so it's actually ironic copying and not worth emailing us about.

    Anyway, here's pop slag Christina Aguilera -- who we're not obsessed about any more -- pictured in 1999, wearing an outfit that was obviously copied by the shameless, idea-stealing developers of 2001's Silent Hill 2:

    Gonna get... EATEN

    Zombie clearly modelled on pikey scab Justin Timerlake.
    Anyone who works for a company that's so desperate to make money it has to sign a licensing deal with the Crazy Frog.

    Like, for example, "the German software publisher dtp" which "has acquired the rights to the Crazy Frog from the licensing agency Wallaroo" which means that "the product will be released during the upcoming Christmas season and supported by various merchandising and PR activities."


    "Hi Steve, it's Jack. Jamster says 'Yes' to the deal, but says we all have to suck its malformed penis first. I said that would be OK."
    London, June 13

    Joytech, the UK's leading peripherals manufacturer, is proud to announce the launch of the XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER (TM), a must for any safety-conscious video gamer.

    "Don't run the risk of your Xbox catching on fire and leaving you out in the street in only some old pants while all your memories burn thanks to your Xbox, get the Joytech XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER (TM) for when the inevitable happens" no one from Joytech ever said because this is obviously just a rubbish joke.

  • Range of fun and funky clip-on nozzles.
  • Foam spray for safe electrical fire dampening.
  • 50 litre capacity.
  • Vibrating handle puts you at the heart of the fire like no other extinguisher.

  • Seemed more funny than this before it was written and made

    Don't get killed by a burning Xbox. Joytech.
    Including "" on Buy It Now for 2500 dollars. This just underlines (a) how rubbish we are at making money out of the internet, and (b) how many stupid people there are in general.


    eBay - PS3 domain, Other Hardware Services, Computers Networking items at low prices says this FANTASTIC VISION OF A POSSIBLE FUTURE found on Gamepal, a site that lets you "rent" characters to experience life as a superior character in most major MMORPGs.

    'No, I REALLY AM a blue-haired girl with massive tits. Why won't anyone believe me?'

    The most unrealistic representation of PC gamers EVER.

    GamePal - Internet Gaming Services
    Submitted by a reader who's well into the hacking scene.
    Insert slide card into one of the small holes on top of PSP, take novelty Christmas flashing key ring, press button to initiate excruciatingly poor rendition of Jingle Bells, hold against IR Sensor for 3.6785 seconds EXACTLY, eject game. Put game back in again. Eject game. Put game back in again. Move the slide card about a bit. Wonder why nothing's happening. Play special HAXXORED .mp3 for a bit, but it doesn't do much. Sigh, give up, turn PSP off. Turn it back on. It doesn't work. Panic, run about the room turning the PSP on and off wailing 'OH SHIT I'VE JUST SPENT £250 IMPORTING SOMETHING AND I'VE ALREADY BLEEDING BROKEN BECAUSE I WANTED TO PLAY SONIC 2 ON THE BUS, SHIT SHIT SHIT'. Swap memory card over to the other one you were press ganged into buying in Dixons by Dave, who INSISTED this would work. PSP turns on normally, let out massive sigh of relief. Cautiously start the Mega Drive emulator. It's working! It's loading! Crow with joy! Choose Sonic The Hedgehog 2.bin, tears welling up in your eyes as the hallowed name flashes across the screen, SEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. But wait. It's not flashing. It's crawling. Realize it's half FUCKING speed and games ten years ago were RUBBISH anyway. Fling PSP into a corner in a tantrum and cry.

    We are yet to confirm this works.
    As the idiotic speculation/fabrication/LIES about Nintendo's Revolution controller reach new depths of utter stupidity and headline-grabbing desperation, a keen-eyed reader spotted what COULD be the Nintendo Revolution Controller at a top secret test location in Bournemouth:

    We've lost respect for so much of the internet over this debacle

    The joke's actually on THE ENTIRE INTERNET, because we don't give a cripple's toss about Nintendo any more!
    "There is nothing much to report on the audio front this time" says Bizarre audio ace Nick Wiswell, speaking to the internet today, reporting on the progress of Gotham 3's sound from his little studio -- which we can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL contains a big Chao plush.

    We think he's probably already finished doing the sound, and now just spends most of his day on the internet. How hard can it be to tape record a few exhaust pipes?

    (Photo inside) - Smell that television!
    How many did you spot?

    And there are probably more :(

    1. "Tough cop" Jack Slate
    2. Slow motion dives
    3. Dual wielding
    4. Exploding barrels
    5. "Dockside" location with containers
    6. Bad guy in suit
    7. Tattoos hinting at darker side of hero
    Quiz! How many tired and boring old video game cliches can YOU spot in this screenshot of Namco's abysmal Dead to Rights sequel for PSP?

    Answer tomorrow!

    The dullest screenshot in the history of mankind
    Our last post on Xbox 360 Gotham 3 wasn't meant to be cynical or anything, it was us doing a *GENUINELY ENTHUSIASTIC SMILEY FACE* about how great Gotham 3 is looking. We *liked* the tarmac! We want to drive around on our own for AT LEAST AN HOUR, just looking at the tarmac! Seriously! Why don't people ever believe us when we're being genuinely enthusiastic? *PROBABLY ONLY GOT OURSELVES TO BLAME FOR THAT SMILEY FACE*

    We'll drive into a corner really fast, skid, then drive another lap to see if the tyre marks we've just put down are still there. That's always a great test and quite a fun way to spend an evening once you've got all your wanking out of the way.

    Anyway... the Gotham 3 Development Blog thing has been updated, now showing the SHEER AWESOMENESS of the WHEELS:

    You'll be seeing a lot of these -- FROM BEHIND, LOSERS!

    We played Gotham 2 for five hours a night over, like, four months or something crazy like that, and are REALLY REALLY LOOKING FORWARD to Gotham 3. We are being genuinely enthusiastic for once. We apologise for any confusion or discomfort this may cause.


    Bizarre Online's latest post about how GENUINELY AWESOME the wheels of the Gotham 3 cars are going to be can be found here: - Pumpkins are fun...
    No one in this day and age should have to pay money to play a rubbish clone of Columns! Especially not £11.50, which is almost enough to get a proper game made since 1987.

    This must rank as the biggest rip-off in video games since that fateful Saturnday back in 1995, where we somehow misplaced £439.98 and got a Sega Saturn and two games in return.

    Wish we got paid £11.50 (or even the less-prestigious £7.49!) every time someone read a rubbish old joke we wrote while sobbing in a bedsit nine years ago. :: Xbox Live Arcade
    That GTA San Andreas sex game hack was genuine -- and it's in PlayStation2 San Andreas too. Our new best internet friends at GTA San Andreas Net sent us a movie of GTA's sexy stuff "in action", this time including FULL NUDITY, SEX IN THE MOUTH and a more varied selection of positions.

    Well, two more positions. The other two positions. There are only three positions in sex, aren't there?

    POSITION 1: The Warm Up

    PlayStation2 owner's joke: "This as close as Xbox owners will ever get to having sex! Ha ha! LOL!"

    POSITION 2: The Standard Procedure

    Xbox owner's joke: "This as close as PlayStation 2 owners will ever get to having sex! Ha ha! LOL!"

    POSITION 3: The Advanced Technique

    Gamecube owner's joke: "This as close as I will ever get to having sex! Ha ha! Er... :("

    Rubbish! Frankly, we'd rather look at 458 high quality photos of Japanese women holding gadget things.

    The required mod to unlock all the unsavoury adult action in PC GTA San Andreas can be found here.
    Ha ha! Women are so stupid! Let's all of us just get gay together, then we won't have to put up with this kind of nonsense any more.

    Taken from "The Sun" newspaper:

    This reminds us of the time we were made to [ANECDOTE EDITED TO MAINTAIN GENITAL ATTACHMENT]

    It's not OK or normal to be jealous of fictional video game characters. You're clearly a bit mental, probably because you don't eat properly because you're always on a diet. Stopping only having coffee for breakfast and lunch may help. My free forum post entitled "GET A GRIP ON REALITY" will help you.

    In the mean time, male readers are advised to AVOID ALL CONTACT with women, and instead seek comfort in the Maria Sharapova-inspired Japanese Fake Breast Cushion.
    No, no it really wouldn't.

    If you've bought a Gizmondo, then you obviously have a blinding and insurmoutable need to show the world that you have a bit of money and no regard for your eternal soul. But what do you do when you need to show the world that you have access to a Windows fonts folder and no regard for other people's eyes? That's right, you make Gizmondo fan art.

    Oooh, fists. Not touching that.

    Thanks very much to mister "Pixel" for the above image, who also submitted a further fifteen to THIS INSPIRATIONAL SITE. After that they seem to stop naming individual contributors, for some reason.

    See? Even in an age where a solid gaming machine like DS and a funky "Lifestyle" toy like PSP occupy the same market, these people love Gizmondo as much as we love Sega. Is this what we look like to other people?
    Ludicrously poor "sex game" discovered in PlayStation 2 and PC Grand Theft Auto!

    Some boffin has unlocked abandoned "shagging" bits hidden in PC GTA: San Andreas -- and they're in the PlayStation 2 version too. They look rubbish! Let's laugh at them and feel smug and superior!

    "A few months ago, Barton Waterduck discovered a few sections of unused code in the PlayStation 2 version of GTA San Andreas for the girlfriend "missions". With a bit of memory editing and such, he discovered these removed portions of mission scripting were to not only put the camera inside the girlfriends' house when you stop in for "coffee", but also to make a little mini-game of it."

    U iz bonin a fit bird, innit

    This looks like a joke cobbled together by children in a free image manipulation tool such as MS Paint!

    I kept me vest on, innit

    "Push UP and DOWN in rhythm"? Ahh, so *that's* how doing it works. We've been wondering about that for some time. Hopefully the Xbox version lets you take your trousers off.

    Taken shamelessly from here: GTA San Andreas : San Andreas: Uncensored (News)
    This update's for you, Mister Semicolon Emoticon.


    In an age when we can say the most painfully patronising things to complete strangers - things that would get us punched to within an inch of our lives if we said them down the Kebab and Calculator - without ANY FEAR OF PHYSICAL REPRISAL or even the VAGUEST POSSIBILITY of SETTING FOOT ON THE SAME CONTINENT as our target, you make it possible for us to STILL grinningly deny that we are doing anything confrontational with a little HEY! IT'S THE INTERNET! AREN'T WE ALL BEST MATES REALLY, DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY POISONOUS LITTLE EXISTANCE MAKES YOU WANT TO KNAW YOUR OWN COLLARBONE OFF! disclaimer.


    So this one's for you, mister... for bringing us all just three easy keypresses from being an agonising shitstain who should be put in a washing machine full of jagged halfbricks until their bodies die.

    Still just Snake or Tetris then

    NO. Come back in six months for another update.
    There's a new employment scheme in Bournemouth:

    EXPLANATION FOR FOREIGNERS: GamesTM is a rubbish games magazine based in Bournemouth. The joke we're making here is that getting £100 and an iPod is probably better than working on it

    We're often asked why we hate modern youth culture so much -- THIS IS WHY:

    This country :(

    Can you believe this? Can you actually believe this? This photo was in "serious newspaper" The Times yesterday.
    Battle Raper 2 is a fighting game where the women get their clothes torn off, then WEIRD SEX THINGS happen. You're sold, right?

    Battle Raper 2 looks like any other substandard fighting game, say, like one made in 3D by SNK.

    Only it gets a bit saucy. It's got lovely girls in and you can smash off their clothes as they fight.

    And it has some sort of 'View Mode' for just looking at the women. This is great. We like just looking! It's so much better than the strategy of "trying to take part and then being rejected".

    You can make them open their legs to examine thigh bruises and then heal them. If you're finding this all a bit unsavoury that's a GOOD sign. It means you're quite normal.

    There's proper nudity and even ACTUAL SEX. Look at the bottom-left bit -- he's ACTUALLY HAVING SEX with her!

    You can grope them with a disembodied hand...

    ...even DOWN THERE!

    It's going to be even more popular than Grand Theft Auto!

    Then you spunk on their tummies and lose interest. This bit is so amazing we tried to rip a movie of it -- but it was a weird format we couldn't edit. Sorry about that. The whole thing's on the internet here (26Mb PSP format executable MP4 movie file). It really is worth seeing, even if you live in Cornwall and have to spend a whole day downloading it on a modem.

    Battle Raper 2. Out now! *SCRUBS SKIN WITH BLEACH*
    Gotham 3 has got its own blog! It's not cynical or about the games industry (that's so last month), it's about how AWESOME the road is going to be in Project Gotham Racing 3 for Xbox 360.

    This is a screenshot of the road in Gotham 3:

    "We've got diffuse textures, specular maps, bump maps, and more textures (at different scaling) to ensure that you never see a repeated bit of tarmac. Every inch of every track will look unique, which is no small feat considering we're building huge areas of cities."


    Gotham 3 development blog: - Never drink the random purple beverage, it hurts
    If you're bored of games, STOP CHURNING OUT THE MARIO SHITE.

    Imagine how much worse it is for us!

    "I want [developers] to make more unique products" before, probably, enthusing about his innovative recent Nintendo products such as Super Mario Strikers, Mario Tennis, Mario Party 7, Mario Party Advance, Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix, Mario Baseball and Super Mario 64 DS.

    The interview with Shigeru "Innovation" Miyamoto then had the audacity to suggest that "he's trying to encourage developers to think outside of the genres that have become so well known in the industry".

    Nintendo has moved to the realm that exists beyond comedy. Say hello to the cast and crew of "Joey" while you're there.

    Nintendo's Miyamoto: We're happy with the road we're taking - Jun. 3, 2005

    Unoriginal, two-faced, shameless, Mario-whoring charlatan Shigeru Miyamoto -- Championing original games (and Super Mario Strikers, Mario Tennis, Mario Party 7, Mario Party Advance, Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix, Mario Baseball and Super Mario 64 DS).
    Speculative searching by keen reader spots indulging in "humour"! If only more major web sites made jokes in their product listings.

    Pro Evo 5 random event's random Chocolate Orange incident. Will probably have been changed by the time you click on it.
    So there we were, us and Ulala, just fooling around with a camera in the bedroom like young lovers do, when the MAGIC happened! She was electrifying, like a young Kate Moss. Beautiful. See how Ulala came alive:

    Yes, this really is how we spend our Saturdays
    Coy yet sexy! Just like Billie Piper
    We chilled on Sunday

    What's good for getting semen stains out of toys? And carpets? And curtains? And sofas? And wallpaper? And denim? And leather?
    Featuring the astonishing "Premature Flesh is the Area Which Became Wet Hotly" and the classy "High Grade Class First Soap Lady".

    Every day we want a PSP a little bit more.

    Kyonyu Nurse Mitsu Amai (The Nurse of a Big Breast)
    Release: 2005/7/8
    Media/length: UMD Video, 120mins
    Digital Mosiac: No
    Price: 3800yen

    Make a play of Riko Tachibana (Goku Hong)
    Release: 2005/7/8
    Media/length: UMD Video, 110mins
    Digital Mosiac: Yes
    Price: 3800yen

    Soap Play of Anna Kaneshiro (High Grade Class First Soap Lady)
    Release: 2005/7/8
    Media/length: UMD Video, 120mins
    Digital Mosiac: Yes
    Price: 2800yen

    Premature flesh is the area which became wet hotly (Hunting by Glay's One)
    Release: 2005/7/22
    Media/length: UMD Video, 120mins
    Digital Mosiac: No
    Price: 3800yen

    Erotic Terrorist Beautiful Body Noa (The Beautiful Body Ero Egoist)
    Release: 2005/7/22
    Media/length: UMD Video, 110mins
    Digital Mosiac: No
    Price: 2800yen

    Here (free worldwide shipping).
    Although, compared to, say, attempted murder or dealing heroin, it is really. Here's another thing we've just stolen out of today's Sun newspaper, an advert for anti-piracy web site which -- as you'll see below -- has gone slightly mad in its attempt to say that piracy is the ROOT OF ALL EVIL.

    Getting a copy of Episode III for £2 is a lot less worse than, say, cutting off a prostitute's tits

    We don't buy pirate DVDs at work, we buy soup that costs one pound from Bene Bene across the road and occasionally a sandwich that's 2.75 from Pret a Manger. If the afternoon's really dragging we might go out to get a Double Decker or a Twix. These are all victimless transactions.

    Here's a picture of Jonathan Ross on a bike thing, telling us the quite ludicrous fact that "People traffickers force immigrants to sell pirate DVDs on the streets". There are loads more stupid pictures like this here.

    This has got the fingerprints of ELSPA's Roger Bennett all over it

    This photo opportunity is not a victimless crime. The victim here is poor JONATHAN ROSS.
    Can you please stop putting an exclamation mark on the end of Xbox Live. You've got it confused with Vodafone Live! which does have an exclamation mark. Xbox Live is just Xbox Live. You're making yourself look like a bit of a spaz in front of three million people every week.

    Mainstream press gets it wrong SHOCK!

    We're just trying to help. Although if anyone from The Sun would like a more factually accurate games section written for a very competitive rate, please get in touch. We can be racist about gypsies and foreigners, too.
    We'd just like to say a quick and extremely sarcastic "Well done!" to whoever made these pretend game boxes for's ludicrous Xbox 360 pre-ordering campaign. It's almost like seeing the actual shop shelves come November.

    We're certainly convinced! *PREORDERS PLAYSTATION4* (UK) : Project Gotham 360 : Xbox 360 - Free Delivery
    And with this news we say these words in a non-ironic and extremely serious way: PSP ROCKS! SONY RULEZ! WE WERE WRONG ABOUT ALL THAT DREAMCAST RUBBISH! SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU, MR KUTARAGI-SAN!
    Emulators for PSP

    Name = MEGADRIVE for PSP (Genesis Plus port to PSP)

    Authors /Website = PSP Wiki / kamisama





    Download it here (then, er, wait four months until PSP comes out over here. Maybe start up a "tech blog" to help pass the time).
    This looks like Project Gotham Racing creator Bizarre Creations trying to patent its 'Kudos' scoring system with a little help from Microsoft!

    United States Patent: 6,604,008.

    Not funny, but you know, kind of interesting for a bit.
    "Please do not e-mail me saying this is a scam and im scum i will ignore you!!" says eBay user jammie150, who promises to send you a PS3 "When released!! Which is sometime spring 2006!!".

    Why's he only got three available if he's presumably just buying them from a shop next spring?

    eBay item 8195688443 (Ends 01-Jun-05 21:16:03 BST) - PlayStation 3 PlayStation 3 PS3 BUY NOW!! BUY NOW!!.