UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
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...and a bit of a woman's hand

"Well, I'm sure you can understand my delight at finding this fine example of Sega's expansive social influence on a glass whilst rummaging through the cupboards at a friend's house in search of something we could drink Waitrose own-brand cider out of. She could not. Further proof that girls suck - RedDavid."


Another seven days on the treadmill of news. Here's how we helped in a very small way to lower the amount of useful and factually correct information on the internet.
This thing about what Mr Tan did in his shed. Presumably because he'd rather be in his shed all evening than in the family home.

  • This thing about some entirely unnecessary annual update.

  • This thing in which Bill Gates reveals how often - and when! - he reboots his PC.

  • This thing about the difference between an "avalanche" and an "OVERLOAD" because it beats having to feign interest in the game.

  • This thing which was an excuse to use a photo of a lady. She gets less attractive the longer you look at her, so only give it a few seconds.

  • This thing about Maria Sharapova launching mobile phone accessories, because we like lady tennis players and you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Maria: Leathery at a mere 21 :(

    We're giving this an 8/10, thanks to the Maria Sharapova update making several readers send us their downtop/upskirt photo collections of hot tennis players.
    A reader had a dream. This is his true account.
    Dear Zorg,
    Last night, I had a dream.

    It was a dream of a wonderful place.

    It was a dream of a Sega bar, where yuppies like ourselves could unwind, surrounded in various Sega memorabilia. Like Hard Rock Cafe, but MUCH COOLER.

    In this dream, I ordered a beer, which came in a pint glass with a huge picture of Sonic on. The beer was coloured blue, and contained caffeine, so you too could feel you were as fast as Sonic. Cocktails came in a variety of novelty shaped glasses, one of which was Ulala, and you could drink a suitably orange cocktail from it. There was a Dreamcast on the wall, and Daytona USA cabinets as far as the eye could see.

    I was so pleased that I found this bar that I asked some tall, long haired man in a leather jacket (who, of course, in real-life would not be allowed in due to draconian dress-code rules) to take a photo on my mobile phone so I could send it to UK:R. However, on consulting my mobile phone when I awoke, I found that I had not just fallen asleep in a drunken stupor with the ability to piss a blue stream from all the Sonic beer, but had just had a dream.

    This is a dream that Sega must make reality. Please look into it.

    Thank you,

    Has anyone else had a good dream about SEGA? Preferably involving a bit more sex than this one. Dreams are not covered by any laws. They can be about anything.
    If you live in Australia, have a poor credit history, and don't mind taking out a loan at an APR that works out at something like 428%, a Sonic-alike character has a deal for you!

    "I was recently on holiday in a town a little north of Cairns, and whilst waiting in the queue at the not-so-supermarket was almost floored with horror when I spotted a severely dodgy Sonic rip-off on a free-ads kind of thing. Sorry for the shit quality but I didn't have time to find super orgasmic settings as I was getting some dodgy 'he might be a terrorist' looks from the staff on the checkouts. Enjoy - Field Officer Lacey."

    Stunning. Audacious. Curved instead of spiked to avoid legal action.
    SEGA made this :(


    "Some friends (!) and I were at a run-down, dingy establishment in Boston, Massachusetts, by the name of Good Times Emporium. It was with some surprise that I discovered a rather expansive arcade amongst all of the whores and urine stains, and even more surprised to discover a beautiful AFTERBURNER: CLIMAX cabinet. But it was what I saw just around the corner of this cabinet that SHOCKED and SADDENED me - UNNAMED MAN."


    We can laugh, but it's probably SEGA's top-earner in South Korea.


    You can buy toys of it from petrol stations in China.


    It took over from Street Fighter II as the most common arcade machine across mainlaind Europe.


    At least you win "tickets" and not "respect."


    The photo submitter didn't say if the photos were blurry due to uncontrollable sobbing body movements or uncontrollable laughing body movements.


    At least SEGA is keeping its hardware-making facilities operational. One day, they might be put to better use on, say, making 100 million Dreamcast 2s.
    On happy days like this we are not too proud to link to Kotaku or even evil pro-Sony propaganda specialist MCV. It makes those puzzlingly good PSP sales so much easier to take when you know that for every small profit the handheld makes PS3 shits away a few billions.

    'Pile 'em high, sell 'em not'

    "The large-scale investment required during the development and introductory period of a new gaming platform may not be fully recovered" - Some Worried Sony Moneyman Wondering Where The Glory Days Went, June 23, 2008.
    Compiled by a man called Dolan.
    "News just in: people are still IDIOTS. Don't know if you've seen GAME's Greatest Games of All Time list (chosen by the proles for the proles) but in a total not-shocking turn of events it's predicatbly moronic with Call of Duty 4 coming out in the top spot and GTAIV hitting the number four spot, games most people would have barely spent seconds playing before voting for them. The rest of the list is mostly made up of shit people only vote for because they're repeatedly told by others that the games are amazing.

    "In response to this depressingly retarded turn of events I've put the list through a RIGOROUS and SCIENTIFIC process whereby I've removed every game that has only been out for 18 months, every game which only made it onto the list because it has already appeared on every single other "100 Greatest Games Ever" list (Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy, etc) and every football game (immediate disqualification on grounds of not really being videogames) as well as every game only played by rabid PC nerds who only ever play one game (Warcraft, Command and Conquer, Counter Strike, etc). The remaining games are, therefore UNDENIABLY the hundred greatest games of all time.

    "The resulting list reads as follows:

    1-20 Sonic The Hedgehog (SEGA Mega Drive)
    21-40 Elite (BBC Micro)
    41-60 Shenmue (SEGA Dreamcast)
    61-80 Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (SEGA Mega Drive)
    81-100 TimeSplitters 2 (Multiformat)

    "Can't argue with the science - Dolan."

    Thanks, Dolan.
    BATH STAR! It's by SEGA Toys. It's a bit like our beloved Homestar, only now in a waterproof finish. You can use its light to see better while soaping yourself to a state of extreme relaxation in the bath. In the dark. It is the perfect gift.

    Must have!

    "It appears to be the Homestar Home Planetarium, but adapted for baths!"

    Must bathe with!

    "Wanking while sobbing in the tub just got a whole lot more atmospheric! Not mentioning my name would be appreciated. My father has recently learned how to use Google - XXXX XXXXXXX."

    Must soap down!

    Add this to the list. Just when you think you're out of wasting all your disposable income on SEGA-branded plastic, they pull you back in.

    Must take 100 photographs of for internet!

    Here's one you can click on. This, apparently, is of the machine in "Rose Petal mode." It could also be "Bloody Suicide Mode."

    Must not have

    Alternatively, there's the SEGA Toys AMP. A music playing piece of tat. This will be left well alone and not imported at prohibitive expense.
    You'd think we'd be unemployable by now after all this, but no.
  • This thing about Sainsbury's breaking. There was a tense and long-winded discussion about apostrophe placement behind the scenes.

  • This thing about what Peaches Geldof probably did last night.

  • This thing about what does not constitute a fun activity.

  • This thing which is just an alternate take on this thing about that thing.

  • This thing about, funnily enough, PS3 being shite.

  • This thing about a Fujitsu mobile phone, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Fujitsu wetness

    It doesn't matter. No one really cares.
    A keen reader who was actually *watching* Games Night noticed something strange. Something odd. Something INEXPLICABLE. The cast and very special guests (sorry, Adam) changed their socks during an advert break.

    Yes. They changed their socks during an advert break. Perhaps there was a verruca outbreak?

    Games Night sock scandal?

    "Having tuned in to the 30th episode of Games Night and been almost comatose by the topics of debate, my attention drifted to the all white socks lined up. Suddenly after a break the socks were swapped! Now, if they had swapped the topics or the dreary presenters... but no, let's swap socks. Just plain weirdness. Could it have been your previous "Wii Family Sock" article that has spurred a national trend?"

    Games Night sock scandal?

    "PS: Sorry for being such an anal twat about this but at least taking the pics removed me from viewing the Games Night slow motion car crash. Please feel free to ridicule me and my photos in an amusing and sarcastic way - Pez."
    Else there'd be a fierce and unruly bidding war for it.

    SEGA Saturn TIE!

    "I was searching eBay for SEGA Saturn clothing (just call me Fonzie!), perhaps looking for a Saturn t-shirt or something. Alas I did not find one, but I did stumble across this rather sophisticated (100%) silk SEGA Saturn tie! I was debating whether or not to bid on it, but then it dawned on me that I haven't worn a tie for 8 years, and I'm not 'hardcore' enough to warrant the waste of hard earned sterling on this shit. So I thought I'd share it with you, because I'm sure there's a bedroom warrior out there who will wear this with pride - ALL MY LOVE, HERDMAN!"
    Dorian Bloch from Chart-Track, who is an official enemy of UKR for reasons to do with being a big baby, told GamesIndustry MGS4 had hardly any effect on PS3 sales.

    "There's not a lot to say about it – it had minimal impact really. Units were up by seven percent."

    Actual gameplay image

    What's seven percent of nothing? The calculator on this PC must be broken, as it keeps coming up as ZERO.

  • Final Fantasy XIII (2010)
  • Final Fantasy XIV (2015)
  • The only gentlemanly way to holiday is to stay in a hotel. If you want to sleep with a girl who's taken lots of drugs and doesn't smell very nice, then that's fine. We'd just rather not spend all of May, June, July and August listening to your stories about it.

    'Ugly cunt'

    "I found someone just as obsessed as you are with the little blue twat at Gatecrasher 2008. I thought i'd take a picture so you lot could have a tug or two over it or something. I have covered his face, not for sake of privacy but because he's an ugly cunt. Bye bye - Darren."
    All those t-shirts we made and nobody liked are now going cheap. As in £6 each including postage. We are tired of having three massive cardboard boxes lying about and mocking our failure to capture the public imagination.

    Pre-bonfire sale

    Buy one here. Please. The nice red ones have actually sold out in man sizes, though. Any of the others we don't sell in the next two weeks are getting binned. Then we might make some more in time for next summer. Maybe.
    Take it away industry legends Steve Boxer, Adam Doree, Ellie 'I'd Rather Be Dead' Gibson and other some random crazy woman. We're guessing this little impromptu jam session was the crazy woman's idea, as she's enjoying it the most by quite some margin.

    XLeagueTV Rock Band SHAME

    Introducing... Adam Doree on drums!

    XLeagueTV Rock Band SHAME

    Sadly, we cannot work out how to embed this video. You'll just have to go there. It's worth making the trip for, honestly.

    XLeagueTV Rock Band SHAME

    Also introducing... Eurogamer's Ellie Gibson! See how she is mentally picturing how bad it's going to be when this video goes online. Never before has a woman's misery been so perfectly captured on film.

    XLeagueTV Rock Band SHAME

    Clearly mental. Would not touch.

    XLeagueTV Rock Band SHAME

    Reminiscent of Keith Moon (48 hours after his death).


    It's the EMA, which stands for Eternal, Maiden, Actualization. This is going to be winging it's way to UKR HQ at massive expense very soon. Finally, we will be able to talk about a female as if it is an object without getting into trouble, because this one actually is an object. You can throw it around as much as you like.

    'EasyClean(TM) Wipe-clean realistic non-bruising plastic alloy lifelike skin feel'

    "It" is 38cm tall according to a Japanese spec sheet. Full review of each of its holes coming soon. Please god let the batteries go up its arse.
    Thanks to the Idiots in the Workplace Act (1979) we are employed to do the following. Every company must employ one person like us for every 15 normal members of staff. It's a fantastic scheme - otherwise we'd be collecting trolleys from supermarket car parks as a living.
  • This thing which was a poor attempt at humour regarding Steve Jobs' weight loss. We can only hope he's been on a diet and isn't suffering a relapse of his pancreatic cancer, as that would make it even less amusing.

  • This thing about (a) the state of modern dance music, (b) two things we thought had closed, (c) what makes a good holiday nowadays.

  • This thing about how receptionists aren't as good as they used to be.

  • This thing about some Xbox 360 RPGs, because it's been the worst week for video game news in living memory.

  • This thing in which we called another blog LIARS and got away with it. Mainly because, 24-hours later, it turned out they were lying. Or at least easy to trick by emailing "news" to.

  • This thing about how men are becoming almost entirely shed-based beings, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • 'And, by 2017, man had completely retreated to the safety of the garden'

    The Man-photo Rule gives this batch an automatic 1/10.
    We need to apologise to a man called "Damien." Damien very kindly sent us one of these Sonic The Hedgehog watches, back in about 2005, having found it and "haggled the seller (an elderly woman obviously selling her departed/dead son's junk) down from £1 to 50p."

    We kept his email about it, but lost the watch. Sorry Damien. Pretty much every day since then we have felt a little bit guilty about that. However, we also owned one of these watches during the mid-1990s and wore it regularly, so it wasn't that much of an exciting discovery in the first place.

    So. Sorry, Damien. Sorry it's been three years and we lost the thing you bought and sent in. Worse still, your place in UKR history has been taken by a man called "Randy" :(

    "I know you love old stuff, especially when it has a picture of Sonic on it. Well, behold, attached are two photos of a Sonic the Hedgehog watch that I either bought or won from 'Sonic the Comic' around 1997. It's even started to go a bit yellow, and there was plenty of sweat to scrape off. The wheel around the clockface rotates so you can time activities, such as a speed run of Metropolis Zone or how fast you can read the UK:R archives."

    "There was a manky 377 battery inside which has tarnished the brass. But a new battery brought it back to life, despite looking worse for wear. Such quality products from Sega Enterprises - Randy."
    Jesus CHRIST. You can get a copy of F1 Championship Edition and a SIXAXIS controller TOGETHER in the same package now? Sony is SAVED. This is going to recoup those development billions over the coming weekend.

    Moron bait

    Utterly. Sensationally. Staggeringly. Poor. Sony, you ought to be embarrassed about this.

    Sony Europe Financial Rescue Pack

    Embarrassed and genuinely ashamed. This is an insult in product form.
    Triple-A solid-gold update material! Soon we'll have blueprints of every SEGA World on the planet, along with a full set of keys, original staff rotas and payroll details.

    SEGA World pamphlet exclusive

    "Thought I'd share with you some scans of some London SEGA World leaflets from 1999."

    SEGA World pamphlet exclusive

    "I've tried my best to keep them in good condition but sadly they have suffered some wear and tear."

    SEGA World pamphlet exclusive

    "The first one looks more of a map and the second smaller one is advertising the dodgems."

    SEGA World pamphlet exclusive

    "I don't remember it much as I was only 9 at the time. Cheers, Sean."
    Sony's pretend impartial publicity blog - and official enemy of UKR - Three Speech has plummeted to new lows recently, culminating in this - a "Top Trumps" update about "famous" Sony video game character Spyro. It literally cannot get any worse than this.

    The only solace taken from this sort of drivel is that it is at least costing Sony money to spew out and maintain. £14 to renew the domain name is £14 less to spend on PS3 development. Every little hinders.

    Sony Lie Blog - DEAD!

    Sad to see you go, TS. It was moderate-at-best while it lasted. We are claiming this as a victory, by the way. A crushing victory. This tea we are drinking right now? It is not tea, it is the BLOOD of Three Speech! Expect the domain to be a list of links to Amazon in about three months time.
    Unless we're very much mistaken, this is a few bits of Sonic Heroes artwork with the colours changed and stuck on the front of a PlayStation clone that plays emulated Mega Drive games. It is something of a curiosity that operates above the law.

    Something seems slightly dodgy about this

    "Spotted in Carrefour, Dubai. Photos taken just before getting collar felt by an employee who then proceeded to try and flog me a 'Vii'. "All in Two!" "Cool Graphics" "Realistic Hero Game" but best of all "Unlimited hours of entertainment". UNLIMITED! I should have bought it, but was still a bit shaky from the collar-feeling incident. Still - the hedgehog looks familiar. All the best - Morgan."
    Look like SEGA's just launched the Saturn II in Bulgaria. It is no doubt a 'test market' to see how the public responds, before the global roll-out begins.

    Bulgarian stock update

    "On a recent snowboarding trip to Bulgaria, my friends and I stopped off in the capital Sofia for a day. While walking down the main street, we passed this shop. As you can see, someone has tagged the Sega Saturn logo, probably with the Bulgarian words for 'in stock'. Also, at one point they must have covered the logo up with some form of flyer, possibly saying sold out. We joined the queue to get into the shop to see if we could buy another Saturn, but unfortunately by the time we got in they didn't have any left. It seems that people in front of us were purchasing multiple consoles, presumably to sell for profit on ebay. They did have plenty of different PS3 packages on offer - Pete."

    'Snowboarding trip' = 'Sex Tourism'

    In unrelated Bulgarian SEGA news, here's what the logo of Sofia Airport looks like. Could the next reader who goes on a booze/prostitutes tour of Eastern Europe please get some hi-res photos of the sign? Thanks.
    Couldn't give a toss about the game, or the idea of playing an RTS, or the idea of playing an RTS on a console, or the idea of playing an RTS on a console that's a PlayStation3. But still.

    It's EA dumping PlayStation3. That's AWESOME and means there's one less game for morons to put on their little lists of "Games That Will Turn Things Around For PS3."

    Exclusively played in IT support departments

    DEAD. PlayStation3 is now officially the Dreamcast of this generation. In terms of developer support, that is. Not quality of games or unspoken feelings of attachment.
    An alternate selection of words and pictures we have "phoned in" for other web sites that don't mind being called blogs.
  • This thing in which we "live blogged" the downloading of the Ninja Gaiden II demo.

  • This thing about people whose job is listing the specs of laptops about to suffer a bit more.

  • This thing in which we get to the heart of the racism-in-games debate.

  • This thing about what a clever man made for Wii.

  • This thing about the the Eee PC 901, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Aleks Krotoski cosplay porn

    Edge magazine would give that lot 5/10, because a 5/10 from Edge actually means it's good.
    Dreamcast 2 is all but confirmed thanks to a 1000% rise in logo appearances as part of SEGA's clever and underground guerilla awareness-raising campaign. If ever a pair of curtains signalled a possible return to the hardware market...


    "More things that kinda look like a dreamcast logo... my curtains. Not very exciting, but there you go. Lots of love, SolidGoldChimp."


    Not very exciting? NOT VERY EXCITING?! The appearance of the HOLY SIGN upon a pair of HUMBLE CURTAINS is surely a portent that the fabled RE-ENTRY TO THE HARDWARE MARKET is imminent! E3 2008 is only about six weeks away!!


    Amazing VICTORY! The Getaway 3, the game and/or blatantly untrue tech demo that Sony said PS3 was capable of, the one that looked like a few retouched photos of central London, has been AXED by the incompetent cash-burners at Sony Europe HQ.

    The Getaway - DEAD!

    "It has been agreed that production of both Eight Days and The Getaway will cease immediately due to the redistribution of resources and budget. This decision was made following an internal review of all games and it was deemed that with the incredibly strong list of exclusive first party titles coming up both this year and in the near future, resource should be reallocated to enhance those projects closer to completion" - Sony Europe, June 4 2008.

    The Getaway - DEAD!


    The Getaway - DEAD!


    The Getaway - DEAD!


    The Getaway - DEAD!


    The Getaway on PS3

    This is what The Getaway 3 actually looks like. The loss of The Getaway is a significant WIN for the forces of LIGHT and TRUTH. The previous two Getaways were the favourite games of millions of stupid PS2 owners who didn't mind products that crashed constantly and had control systems that didn't function. Now the traditional Sony "moron pound" will not be heading PS3's way.

    The Getaway - DEAD!

    At least it shows Sony is starting to be a bit more honest. Usually, when it realises it's wasted millions on a piece of shit, it shoves it out there anyway, relying on a few 8/10s from official magazines and their dependent unofficial parasitic twins to force it onto a few poor, unsuspecting punters.

    The Getaway - DEAD!

    Well done on admitting failure, Sony.
    Our long-standing obsession with the now-closed lost utopia of SEGA World Sydney continues, with this - a literally AMAZING promotional video explaining what lies (lay) within.

    It is presented by a man who is the most Australian man imaginable.

    It was themed on past, present and future zones, just like Sonic CD :(

    "G'day, I've been a reader of UK Resistance for a long time - since I was a huge SEGA fan back in the day. I keep trying to get away but they keep bringing me back in, then beating me with a pipe. Why won't they stop?

    "Anyhow, I've recently added a whole bunch of classic SEGA bits from so many years ago, stuff that's never made it to YouTube beforehand, and will either make you laugh, or make you embarrassed to be a SEGA fan.

    The Bizarre comedic stylings of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Filled with "WTF?"

    Howard Johnson's Promotional Video for Game Gear. Behold mid-90's "Cool" to the MAX!
    Part 1 -
    Part 2 -

    The Sonic Adventure Announcement Video
    Part 1 -
    Part 2 -
    Part 3 -

    Sonic The Fighters Official "Library" video:
    Part 1 -
    Part 2 -
    Part 3 -
    Part 4 -
    Part 5 -

    "I've also got my original SEGA Club Membership cards, as well as all those damn Ladybird books you've been showing recently - including others which you haven't shown yet, like the 'Where's Sonic?' spectacular sequel, 'Where's Sonic NOW?' - Ryan."
    We're not sure what is happening here. Most of the family is wearing slippers. Does the game require you to wear slippers? Or is dad just funny about protecting his new laminate flooring?

    Wii Family Training Special Shoe CONSPIRACY

    A seemingly innocent "casual" gaming scene. Until you look closer. Until you look at the horrors lurking on their feet.

    Wii Family Training Special Shoe CONSPIRACY

    Mum is wearing special slippers.

    Wii Family Training Special Shoe CONSPIRACY

    The daughter is wearing the very same special slippers. Plus she has bruised calves that indicate either (a) an active outdoor lifestyle or (b) a violent physical relationship with an older man who likes to hold her upside-down by her ankles.

    Wii Family Training Special Shoe CONSPIRACY

    The boy's "shoes" are the oddest of the lot. It would appear they have drawn lines on his socks to create the illusion of him wearing the special sandals. What odd conspiracy have we uncovered here?

    Wii Family Training Special Shoe CONSPIRACY

    Dad got sandals. Do they come with the game?
    It's the time of year when we cater to various niche fetishes out there in internet land. It is Wii Family Ski - time to take one of your socks off and use it for its secondary purpose.

    Wii Family Ski HOT FOOT ACTION

    The family. They must spend a fortune on batteries.

    MAN FEET - masked from view

    The man's feet have wisely been covered up with socks. Not even the SICKEST internet perverts want to see the feet of men. They're even uglier than seeing a ball bag flapping about during pornography feature films.

    WOMAN FEET - exposed

    That's more like. Hot, naked, Japanese woman feet.


    Tights! Or, for the benefit of any American men who may have inadvertently found this page during a Google images masturbation session, PANTYHOSE.


    And the feet of a child. Also wisely covered up.