UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
It's the exciting and sexy conclusion!


Cream Car Crash Porn Movie Part 2 [3.76MB WMV]

That depends on your feelings about plastic toys spunking on supposedly dead other plastic toys, and if you consider that rude or not.
Great news! Now you can go into a shop and download Nike TV commercials directly to your PSP! It's why PSP was invented!

PSP advert shame

Dis is wicked, innit!

THERE IS LITERALLY NO POINT... this. As with PSP itself, it seems like a good idea until you realise there aren't any games and that Nintendo is doing everything ten times better - and making it look easy. Are we missing the game demos on the content list? Is it really just for music and adverts?
A crack undercover reporter braved being labelled a nonce by taking photos inside an arcade for us! This is probably the first time anyone has seen photos from inside the Brighton Sega Park, and judging by how deserted it looks, only about the 100th time anyone's ever been inside it at all.

Our reporter wrote some captions, and we wrote some others. See if you can guess who did what in today's interactive writing-style-recognition quiz! (CLUE: rape/paedo/murder/dying alone references = probably ours).


Tekken 5's shit! Look at how blurry it looks! Ha ha! Stupid Namco/Sony!

THOUGHT PROCESS OF PHOTOGRAPHER: "UKR likes OutRun2, so I'll take a photo of OutRun2. They'll like that and then probably won't call me a twat."

Well-worth spending your dole money on. Support third-world slave labour, organised crime and impress your homeless life partner.

Mega Boxe appears to be some spinning/gambling cat-scan hybrid. It will no doubt give you some kind of incurable cancer.

A giant claw, always potential for misuse and so many opportunities in Brighton. Animals in captivity - never pleasant.

Apparently Brighton is full of hippies, students, and ex-students who can't be bothered to leave. Hence we didn't go there ourselves, and the only way we would go would be to contaminate the water supply with something bought on the former-Soviet Union blackmarket.

Can't really tell what this is meant to show and if we're supposed to be impressed by it or not. It's hard being funny about other people's holiday snaps.
We'd like to apologise for saying Versus TV is "the best thing on the internet" - it's quite clear to us now that it is actually THE WORST THING ON THE INTERNET EVER. Even including that photo of the man stretching his bottom really wide open.

Worse than that photo of the man stretching his bottom really wide open.

It's also worse than that photo of that Japanese girl poo-ing beans over herself in the bath, even though that was actually quite arousing and we've probably got it saved somewhere.

This sudden change in heart was brought about by them complaining about us in the most amazingly hilarious spoilt-little-princess way imaginable, because they're pretty girls on the internet who always have to have their way and couldn't understand why we weren't licking their shoes like all the clingy losers who populate their 'forum' and comment on their 'blogs'.

So obviously we now have to brutally rip apart everything they ever do as revenge. Welcome to the shithouse, bitches!

So, let's put ourselves through the abject torture that is listening to two full-of-themselves girls having boring opinions about really old games!

Ace! They've just done a review of Resident Evil 4! This is really handy, because it's not like a million people have been saying all over the internet that Resident Evil 4 is really good for the last two years.

Great! And the other one's talking about Halo 1 and Halo 2! This is really useful, as we often find there isn't enough information and opinion about Halo 1 or Halo 2 already in the public domain. It's almost as if the girls think their opinions are somehow important just because they're girls.

"The gameplay seems simple at first. Perhaps it is" is about the brightest observation in this piece, which makes us really glad we held off buying Halo 2 for 18 months until we got the valuable opinion of a girl who works in a shop.

She pronounces arbiter "are-bite-er" which is wrong. Ha ha! The stupid cow!

She bought the Halo 2 comic book! Perhaps she bought it in a branch of GAME. There are lots of branches of GAME around the country, in places as varied as London, Basingstoke, Exeter (x2) and Bristol.

It would be TERRIBLE if someone was to take this innocent image, open it up in Photoshop and crudely superimpose two penises where those action figures are. It would then be the absolute FINAL STRAW if some sick pervert uploaded their foul creation to a free image hosting service, such as Imageshack, and posted the resulting link in the Comments field below this update. That would be horrible and distressing to say the least, especially if it was turned into some sort of sick competition about who could do it 'best', and we implore you all not to take such crude and base actions for it would sully the internet in a terrible manner we would not wish to be associated with.


It's the weirdest and therefore best thing we've ever been sent! It's Cream, The Rabbit, getting hit by a car. We're assured that a second part is coming involving Cream's corpse, Cheese, and some weird sex involving props.


Cinema verite-style Cream car crash porn [1.0MB 'WMV']
Sega Amusements Europe has employed a pretty girl! And it's so happy about this it sent out a press release and photo - for which they made her wear hot pants.

When we expand UKR and get an office we'll DEFINITELY only employ hot women and make them wear hot pants, like it's still the 1960s when you were allowed to do stuff like that and they had no choice but to let you pinch their bottoms else you could sack them.

Ruby Jones! We'll be able to guess her email address in less than 100 goes

It's political correctness gone right.

Show Me Your Ball Skills!
Sega Amusements Europe’s expanding promotions team has landed a beauty with a potential Miss U.K. now on the team! Ruby Jones who is assisting the company promoting WCCF is a Brighton finalist in the contest.

Sega’s promo team now covers the UK, Spain and Germany with around 30 members to hand, emphasising the dedication and importance the company gives to supporting its products in the market place.

Since the appointment of Mark Beauchamp as Promotions Executive in February, Sega has built up the team to support WCCF from point of installation training staff through to running tournaments and doing tutorial sessions for players.

Mark commented “Naturally her talents are drawing the crowds and helping WCCF players enjoy the game! Her football knowledge is superb, and whilst many players just need an intro into the game, others like the detail that she can give about the games finer intricacies”.

The company confirms that WCCF is going from strength to strength with installations occurring weekly across Europe still and a growing fan base using the official forum at and the unofficial one
Now that it's warm out, you might want to buy one. Even pale geeks need to stop wearing grey fleeces in the summertime. If you're thinking of risking getting your arms out and letting people see the shape of your body, go here and buy one.

We've made them 15 quid including postage which is a bit cheaper than they were, as we're bored of them now, need the cupboard space for putting women in, and want to get rid of them so we can make some new ones people like more or at least hate less.

See how we're cynically marketing these on the hottest days of the year

This is the best one, really. It's best because it's in a normal colour (blue). It's apparently a good conversation starter at parties and barbecues, and one man even said some girls started talking to him about it which lead to him losing his virginity.

Sega didn't sue us

This one is second best, out of two. So it's sort of the worst. We have no idea why we made it on 'teal' or aquamarine. It must've looked better in the printers. Next time we'll just do one in black for all the fat/shy people.

  • Nobody likes teal/aquamarine

  • Launch jumpers in January, not t-shirts

  • Make them black for all the fat/shy people

  • You can't carry 200 home on your own

  • We have three female readers we didn't know about!

  • People are scared about wearing gang-referencing t-shirts in South London, East London, West London and North London, plus the rest of the United Kingdom, Europe, America and Australasia.

    It's more VersusTV and Vixen means the Dreamcast and a Dreamcast game! We thought girls like this had all died out (at our hands).

    She then ruins it loads and makes us lose our erection by talking about Tekken 5 for ages, then the Tekken 5 loading screens, then how there's a "Customise" option where you can customise your character. You could say she loses focus a bit. Still, all we're thinking about is "Wow, she has a Dreamcast!!" so we're guilty of losing focus too.

    She also plays Sonic Rush in another one. If we were to ever meet her, we could fill in all the awkward silences by talking about Sonic Rush. We could ask what her favourite level is, then say "Oh" and that would be a conversation with a girl! We would then write the time and date down in the notebook we have where we list all the times we've spoken to girls.

    Watching this other one is like actually having a girlfriend! She's rambling on about something for ages, and all we're doing is wishing she'd shut up and let us concentrate on watching the telly.

    It's quite interesting to see what happens when you just leave a girl talking on her own for ages. They literally go quite mental! Here, she's started playing a Tamagotchi game and is listing the kinds of shops in it! There's a cleaners where you get to wash and iron clothes, for example!

    We still like Siren, even though she said on her forum that UKR "is certainly very predictable" and that "you just want them to do something to surprise you rather than running over the same old 'we're so UN-Politically Correct it hurts' stuff... y'know?" which is actually quite a fair point that we'll seriously take on board.

    "BTW", this isn't stalking if you're one of their boyfriends or the police, as they actually put the videos up on the internet themselves for us to watch, so we're allowed to watch them and probably even allowed to pause and rewind them and watch certain bits again 100 times. We're also not saying it's rubbish, as we love watching their work. It's mesmerising!

    In fact, Versus TV is the BEST THING ON THE INTERNET right now. Please make more of it and please can we be in it as special guest stars one day. We're much more polite in real life and will practise what we're going to say beforehand so we come across as funny and interesting.


  • Black Eyed Peas - "Pump It"

  • It's called a Mu-Bot and it looks like a baby! This could be the only way we ever get to have something like a baby, seeing as you can buy it from the shops and it doesn't require making a woman like you and think she wants to have sex with you and be friends with you for at least nine months first.

    Sega Toys Mu-Bot

    We'll call ours Katie, and pretend it's a little girl. But if Katie doesn't grow out of listening to iPods we'll beat little Katie until she fucking learns. This is what we've learned about how children work from reading news on the internet.

    SEGA's iPod link-up hame :(



    It's a small tent. In Germany. Full of Xbox 360s playing FIFA World Cup. And it's dark out. And the only two women in attendance have gone outside to talk to more interesting people on their mobile phones, which is what strangely happens when we're near women too.

    When marketing cross-promotion goes bad

    We just wanted to share this photograph. There is no funny caption. There could NEVER be a funny caption about this, not even if the writers of Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Larry David got together and worked on it for a whole month.
    That's what the man said, but we still made him take some photos of it anyway because it's a thing with Sonic on that we've never seen:

    Sonic fruit machine

    To this day, we still don't understand how fruit machines work. Why, for example, is that bit flashing and saying 'multiplier'? What button do you press now? There are never any instructions on them. How do people learn these things? Is it the sort of skill you only learn in prison, like how to hotwire a car and how to make methamphetamine from household products?

    Sorry this is such a boring update

    Eight pounds was probably quite a lot of money in 1992. We can't remember, due to being really young. Like, maybe only 20 or 21 if Vixen, Siren or any girls on MySpace want to know.


    Some new girl gaming clan mash-up splinter-group side-project thing involving everyone's favourite Frag Doll and some other girl thing we recognise from a million internet forums has sent in a video clip of them wearing sexy gloves and looking at the camera - as if they might be looking at us!

    This kind of reverse anticipatory stalking is confusing and has put us on the defensive. Still, we'll power through as it's pictures of girls:

    It's Vixen and Siren. It must be confusing being a girl on the internet and keeping track of all the pretend names you have to use to stop men finding you and killing you. They say they're going to tell us what games to play. At least this time it won't just be the UbiSoft back catalogue.

    The game we're thinking of playing at the moment is Put The Sausage In That One's Mouth While That One Feels Our Bottom And Says We're Really Nice And Funny. You can see them ACTUALLY WALKING AND TALKING LIKE THEY'RE LOOKING AT YOU here.

    The proper gallery.

    The fantasy scenario we've built up in our heads around the above photo is this: They're both trying to look as sexy as possible to make us like them, and if there's no clear winner we can have both.


    Hugging a man in a Portugal strip, while wearing a Portugal scarf. Disgusting. Xbox 360 is now dead in England.

    Moore in PR nightmare

    If you need to ask why, don't and just go away.
    We've had an amazing idea! We're starting our own girl gaming group that won't be shit like all the other girl gaming groups!
    We've even drawn a logo:

    Rules of Entry
    To enter candidates must:
    * E-mail a filled in version of the following form to us
    * Provide at least one pic, preferably with gash out

    We'll do the rest.
    The key facts of the matter are this: It don't matter if PSP is black or white. It's still shit and hasn't got any games.

    Sony's lame attempt at generating PR controversy

    The other key fact is this: Might (left) and would. 7.5/10
    Ever ever and also by miles. It's a PRETEND INTERVIEW with Sonic The Hedgehog. This featured in The Sun, which is a bit like a newspaper for people who aren't really that good at reading. Hey SEGA. You know that thing where random people on the internet just love you for no reason? THIS IS DESTROYING IT!

    NEXT WEEK: Spyro comes clean over 'crack addiction hell'

    As a punishment for doing this, tomorrow we're going to pick a Nintendo game at random and write something about how awesome it is. Every time SEGA does something rubbish from now on, we'll do this. Until it learns.

    Sonic can't be 15. His first game came out 15 years ago. So if he was 15, he would've been zero in 1991. This piece is LITTERED with inaccuracies.