Archive Twenty June 2001 - April 2002 "Ten things NOT to say at an industry event: Would you like a free copy of my retrogaming fanzine? If I suck your cock will you give me a GameCube? With the right marketing, Dreamcast could still be a big seller. I've read everything you've ever written -- you're shit! Where's the 3DO stand? I've got every issue of Mr Dreamcast! I've got every issue of PSM2!"
Plus! Tomb Raider KICKING OF DOOM, Rectangular success theory, Rez CD listing, Fujitsu Siemens Photo Archive Fun, Dreamcast Chat!
Archive Nineteen Feb 2001 - May 2001 "UK Resistance today announces the launch of The Systematically Murder All Senior Members Of The Royal Family So That Lady Victoria Hervey Can Become Queen campaign, a call to all UK members of the public to agree to Systematically Murder All Senior Members Of The Royal Family So That Lady Victoria Hervey Can Become Queen."
Plus! Exclusive Caprice endoscopic images, lists, Kate Thornton.
Archive Eighteen June 2000 - Jan 2001 "Were you one of the many dumb fuckwads taken in by those initial shots of The Getaway on PlayStation2? Were you actually stupid enough to think they were really genuine in-game pictures? If so, scrape the shit off the walls of your padded harm-avoidance room and smell the coffee -- The Getaway doesn't look like that any more. Here's a (slightly dramatised) screenshot of how the REAL game looks now"
Plus! The great disillusionment of late-2000 takes hold...
Archive Seventeen Feb 2000 - May 2000 "Continuing our pointless vendetta against Lara/Core/Eidos, we proudly present some nice Lara Porn which was sent in by a like-minded reader. He promises us he also has some pics that "show more" - stay tuned!"
Plus! Letters, things Sega could do instead of making games, Lara Croft vendetta, PS2 bitterness, and much, much more!
Archive Sixteen September 99 - Jan 2000 "Hey! You! Cool games-playing guy! We know that you appear extremely dull on the outside, but inside, where no one can see, you're probably a crazy, zany, party animal, who barely has time to play games, what with all the smoking drugs and parties with beer. So take a look at our New Lifestyle Feature - it's just like FHM but about games! Plus! Gary Glitter, sheds, Nintendo, homophobia, and much, much more! Archive Fifteen July 99 - September 99 "There we were, trousers down, kneeling in front of the telly, old chap in hand, tissues nearby, waiting for Dead or Alive 2 to show up, when Namco go and release some equally arousing artwork from rampant beat 'em up Soul Calibur! Which do we chose? Time for a superbabe Cleavage Showdown to decide the ultimate game-chick bosom trophy! Plus! Mud wrestling, Belgium news, gay shame, and much, much more! Archive Fourteen April 99 - July 99 "Twisting the rotating switch at the tip allows switchover between concentrated and wide area dispersed spray" Plus! Exciting press releases, Sega Belgium, Seaman jokes, nice lesbian adverts and much, much more! Archive Thirteen March 99 - April 99 "The latest issue of Edge magazine (incorporating What Peter Molyneux And Jez San Think About Things Monthly) contains an interview with Jean Francois Hi-ho-hion, French head of everything at Sega Europe. He was asked about his ideas for the marketing approach he would take with Dreamcast. As well as saying that he STILL hasn't decided about the modem in/out issue, he made the shocking claim that FEMALE gamers would be a major target he would like to tap into with Dreamcast, as well as younger gamers - citing the fact that Sony have pretty much sewn-up the 25-35-year-old male bracket. You see? This is what happens when you let the French take control. Plus! Ray's Rapping Letters Shed, Emap mining (sales) tragedy, lots of anti-Germany stuff, and much, much more! Archive Twelve November 98-February 99 "More pictures of shocking homosexual acts in Sega's VF3 have appeared - but the horrific news is that these SICK photos come from the HOME version, already freely available over the counter in Japanese games stores, where CHILDREN - some as young as eight years old - have been buying the homo-explicit game with Sega's new 'Dreamcast' console. We spoke to two import companies who are selling this shocking game in the UK - both denied peddling SICK GAY PORN to British children, claiming that the pictures merely represent "men fighting" - but the photographic evidence we've obtained reveals the sad truth" Plus - Nagi's shameful sex past, more 'gay' VF3 action, the start of our Letters Shed and much, much more! Archive Eleven October-November 98 "Because YOU demanded it! The feature YOU wanted to see! It's the second sensational update in our earth-shattering new feature - Photographs of famous games characters - WITH THEIR TITS OUT!" Plus - New Comedy Feature Week, catty redesigns based on other games sites, lots of voting fun, and much, much more! Archive Ten Sept-October 98 "As usual, second-rate "webmasters" will be rushing out to buy a copy, before scanning and retyping the whole mag quicker than you can say "Copyright Emap Images 1998", picking the meat from its bones in a desperate attempt to look like a 'proper' web site done by grown-ups. We thought we'd save you all the effort! Here's a handy chart of the key contents of this month's SSM, with a quick reference guide as to whether it's worth copying out the articles and scanning the pictures to upload on your shitty site" Plus - comments on Lau's trousers, the life of the Saturn in pictures, the death of Sega Saturn Magazine and loads of tasty Employees of the Week! Archive Nine April-Sept 98 "Godzilla is angry that his favourite food (fish) are being sucked out of the sea by the British fish 'n' chip industry, so he starts to destroy London as his terrible revenge! Players will play the part of UK:Resistance members Jon-ra and Mecha-Gary, utilising futuristic weaponry and ninja techniques to stop the monster... before it gets to Buckingham Palace and eats the Queen!" Plus - The annual ECTS joke, comedy Japanese translation problems, 'trade magazine CTW reports' and a great picture of a garden shed, should you ever need one Archive Eight Jan-April 98 "We can't really bring you any more exclusive TGS news, but what we can give you is this rather bewildering picture of a man in a strange monster suit, pictured at the TGS." Plus - the 'world famous' Treasure Create-a-name table and the 'Most Wanted 4' games list which is one of our favourite things we've ever done Archive Seven Oct 97-Jan 98 "The estimated weekly sales figures for an earlier week were 21,000 PlayStations compared to only 3,000 N64's. Sales figures for the Saturn aren't available, but a reliable source tells us that a bloke in Manchester may have bought one." Plus - Great Moments in British History - the rubbish feature that only lasted two weeks! Archive Six July-Oct 97 "! Bug vuelve a la carga en una nueva aventura tridimensional ! Esta vez nuestro amigo no estara solo en sus aventuras. Ahora le acompanan dos extranos amigos, el perro-larva Maggot Dog y Superfly, la mosca funky. Con cualquiera de los tres deberas aventurarte en 7 magnificos escenarios tridimensionales repletos de trampas y enemigos." Plus - Employee of the Week starts, and a good joke about Australians Archive Five April-June 97 "To be honest, she does look like a very cool and tough Japanese Anime woman, but all the same, let's just hope that she has a male co-pilot to help out if things get a bit tough, or if her spaceship breaks down unexpectedly" Plus - the nob/cheese joke, UK:Resistance Special Edition and a load of ill-advised 'topical' rubbish Archive Four Feb-April 97 ""Yet to be established are such issues as technical performance, third party support, price and market-positioning"..."As yet, the number and variety of CPUs is unknown"..."According to sources close to Sega, the design of the Black Belt system is still not complete"..."It would seem also that the deal for the graphics subsystem is not yet written in stone"...So that's pretty comprehensive then. UK:Resistance has exclusively discovered that the new system will probably utilise some form of 'Joypad' and several developers we've spoken to have confirmed that it will display graphics onto a 'Television'." Plus - Dreamcast news emerges and a great fake UK:Resistance-sponsored car appears in Saturn Touring Car
Archive Three Dec 96-Feb 97 "Mature, fun-loving UK based on-line games publication seeks informed, honest opinion, about whether the Japanese version of Daytona CCE really has the alledged improvements that are being thrown around various sites and newsgroups. My interests include Link-up mode, higher resolution, reduced pop-up, Netlink options, going to the cinema, and quiet nights in. Please reply to PO Box 1356 including a recent photograph" Plus - the 'world famous' Is Dave Perry A Wanker? vote! Archive Two Nov-Dec 96 It's all a bit rubbish. Nothing much to see here. Wouldn't bother if I was you. The 'outro' at the bottom is quite good, though. Archive One July-Nov 96 Back when we were babies! Innocent, we were trying very hard. Saturn game reviews! From the beginning to the end Sega used to release games for the Saturn, and we used to review them whenever they released a good one that we wanted to buy, which frankly wasn't very often, and probably goes some way to explaining why we're here, now, like this. Most of the reviews are rubbish, by the way - we were learning.