UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
We're really against pornography and the objectification of women, ESPECIALLY when they're served up naked on Sony's PSP UMD format so we can wank over them in the airing cupboard. It gets us angry just thinking about sexy women parading around naked for our pleasure! Curse this sexist, male-dominated industry :(

However, we feel it's our duty to report on the UK's first PSP porn UMD "Desperately Sexy Housewives". Let's hope no women get degraded in it. That would be terrible.

It arrived in discrete plain brown wrapping. This is good, because it means the only woman we ever speak to from the flat next door still doesn't suspect we spend all day in the house alone watching porn.

The bad news: it's certificate 18 UK porn. If you know anything about porn (duh!) you'll know that certificate 18 UK porn isn't very good. Especially not when you've had proper internet porn for a decade.

Is there a typo on the back of the box? Of course there's a typo on the back of the box! Everything from small, independent companies always has typos on the back of the box, because there's never enough people working at them who know about English to check stuff properly.

"This is the erotic tale of four sexy housewives whose coffee mornings turn into torrid swinging sessions as they indulge each other with their favourite sexual fantasies" it says -- WOW! We're going to have to plug in the PSP's mains adaptor, because it's going to be a fun evening.

We didn't know who Marilyn Starr was, so we looked her up. Now we're very familiar with her, and particularly familiar with her stretched-out and tatty old mimsy.

Ooh, yeah, Dave's great, and was the star of our all-time favourite porn movie -- Boy Scout Sleepover in Wookey Hole.

It's nice that even new porn made in 2005 stays true to porn heritage by presenting everything as if it's still 1974.

THE PLOT: First up is some kind of intro sequence where all the women "actresses" try to act like they haven't just smoked loads of crack backstage. Then they pretend to be gossiping women, like the real Desperate Housewives. Then they go and watch TV.

She's reaching for the remote control. Amazingly, this shot is as sexy as it gets.

There now follows a 35-minute sequence where the women try to work out which channel is the AV channel and then why there's no sound. It's a massive challenge to maintain an erection through this bit.

Then the women all start watching... PORNOGRAPHY!

Only it's rubbish certificate 18 UK porn, which means you don't get to see anything.

Look! This is all you get to see in British porn when a man gets a blow job. It's shit. She might have a Snickers in there and we'd never know.

And here's the back of her head from another angle. At this point our penis is as shrivelled and useless as an acorn that's been at the bottom of a swimming pool for 18 hours.

He seems to be enjoying himself, but that's because he can fucking SEE!

"Mr Worf! Deanna! Get back to your stations!"

Meanwhile, the housewives are watching all this and taking it very seriously. The sexual tension seems to be building up quite nicely in their lounge.

They get so hot watching Worf and the back of that woman's head that they all pair off and lez up. Underwater porn is never sexy.

Anyway, this carries on for ages more and you never get to see anything. It's rubbish, both in terms of plot and character development, and also the more important aspect of SEEING THINGS GO INTO OTHER THINGS. PSP porn has failed us. 1/10.

Win this un-soiled copy of Desperately Sexy Housewives for PSP!

Email in telling us your favourite sexual fantasy. The one we like best (the most disturbing one with the highest prostitute death count or the one with the most stuff going up Cream The Rabbit's arse) wins the PSP porn. If we get lots of good ones, we'll do an update called "READER'S SEXUAL FANTASIES". Anonymous, of course.

There is no cash alternative. The only alternative is if no one enters, in which case we keep it.
Last week we had a dream that George W. Bush gave out a Jack Thompson-like challenge stating he would pay ten thousand dollars to whatever group of bedroom programmers made a game about America attacking whatever country he liked the sound of next. And when we woke up, our pillow had gone!

...along with half the civilised world.

Meet Kuma\ Reality Products, the company that specialise in making crappy modules based on news stories for their crappy (free) first person shooter. Juding by this CNN headline, thought, things are getting a bit close to the knuckle.

All this trouble must be because of how hardcore they are. Look, they've even spelled their name with a backslash. That must be why OUR TROOPS PLAY KUMA\ GAMES!

"This game actually makes me flash back and think about the war and the aftermath....But that's not necessarily bad. Being that I will be going back to Iraq for a 3RD tour, I'll say that it's much better fighting from my PC behind a desk then actually slinging lead at each other."

SGT from HHC 1/64 Armor,
3rd Infantry Division(M)

It's as if the person writing this is just NEARLY intelligent enough to realise that the sensible solution to his quandry is to PLAY VIDEO GAMES INSTEAD OF JOINING THE BASTARD IDIOT ARMY, but not quite.

Jeez, this sucks. I wish I were playing Lumines. Oh, wai- BLAM

We feel bad making fun of them, though, because "Kuma\ family member Silent Killer Z" is in critical condition in Iraq after being shot by a person with a gun that fired real bullets.

Good or bad thing? Good = he wrote 28 Days Later. Bad = he wrote the novel which inspired the Leonardo DiCaprio date-movie-from-hell The Beach.


It's rumoured that Scott has seen the screenplay and told them to piss off. It's further rumoured that the project was to be pulled unless Scott would do it. Now it's going ahead. By the ancient laws of internet forum logic, there is only one POSSIBLE conclusion. (They're giving it to Uwe Boll.)


Two at once!

She looks a bit preoccupied at the moment.


That he imagines it as a cross between the darkest elements of Alien and Black Hawk Down, and that he wants a Twix.
Looks like all those big long press releases about women in gaming has really paid off!

Now women can pretend to be gamers by doing whatever it is women do in an exciting new world of gang warfare, dating and rap music. Plus, in this game it won't matter that they can't drive anywhere without running into something.

We bet the fragdolls would love to play this!!!

We could only get one screenshot because it crashes right after you start it. Probably because it was made by women.

This is a great day for equal opportunity in gaming!
UK:Resistance reports today that UK:Resistance has featured a news piece slagging off weblogs that only report news featured on other weblogs. The story goes on to say that this is an incredibly pointless and futile development in the world of internet "news", adding in capital letters that the practise is "STUPID AND BEWILDERING".

The article in question, reproduced without permission.
...and she's been trained by the top stars of the Japanese porn industry, if her face if the related publicity photos are anything to go by.

This is not so much a news post as a warning that in the coming week you might see us posting stuff like this for no apparent reason. We won't even be making smutty jokes about it to prove how big and grown up we are. It's true, we can go to the toilet by ourselves and everything.

Not there! I've... I've never...

Specifically, with this picture.
It can't hurt to try. If we get a few grand out of the GTA San Andreas "class action" we can all quit work, buy wireless laptops and do this every day as our "main job" from bed. Imagine that!

This is Lawyers And Settlements, a site specifically for people who want to sue money out of other people by pretending to be upset by everyday things like games, smoking, working and tripping over.

This is what they say about GTA: San Andreas being released with rubbish sex bits and the wrong age rating on it:
"If you feel this improper rating has negatively effected your or your child's well being, you may qualify for damages or remedies that may be awarded in a possible lawsuit. Please fill out the form below and we will have a lawyer review your Grand Theft Auto complaint."

These people are happy because they've sued people, and now own wireless laptops and just go on the internet from in bed as their "main jobs". This could be us. We've already signed up, saying we were "horrified" and had "nightmares" about black and Asian people coming to shoot us and rape us and steal our bicycles after playing San Andreas. Fingers crossed!
Congratulations to Tyrone D. McMillian (33) of New York, for proving last month why Playstation owners should never be allowed outdoors without supervision.

While he was driving a pair of little girls to cheerleading practice, the police attempted to flag him down for a parole violation. His reaction was to ditch the hoes and lead the filth on a high speed chase through eight towns, ending when he rammed a police car.

He later told the police he was convinced it would work, because "I've been playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto lately."
Hot wet action! She's amazing. Who wouldn't? We wouldn't wouldn't! It's great deciding to like Tomb Raider again. We can't wait for it to come out and for Flickr to get flooded with photos of average-looking, 34-year-old brunette housewives dressed like Lara Croft and trying to look sexy in the hope that they're still good enough to get spotted by a modelling agency.

This image repairs two percent of the damage done by Angel of Darkness. The Tomb Raider franchise goodwill score now stands at -78.
Amber York has! The ungrateful cow complained about getting some free porn bundled in with a secondhand Memory Stick she bought for PSP. We'd pay an extra fiver for that kind of service:

Her boyfriend "found 3 more small clips of a woman doing very inappropriate things downloaded as well," Amber also said, although we suspect he might've put them on himself and has now been caught out and is frantically lying to dig himself out of a hole.

Couple Finds Pornographic Surprise On Used Video Game Card'll notice we didn't say "PMT" in case anyone thought we were talking about the buses in Hanley. Anyway, just in case you're too busy with equally trivial things like the fact that every month another piece of the map burns down, blows up, falls over or sinks beneath the ocean just lately, here's Super Princess Peach. Her special powers are getting irrationally angry and/or bursting into floods of tears.

I haven't TOUCHED your bloody memory card!

Last month the games industry was making its own jokes. Now it's making OUR jokes.
Because Eminem has joined the cast. He plays the role of "crooked cop" McVicar. He'll be providing his own voice. We'll be providing our own muffled sobs.

This game will sell 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 copies :(
Look, look! We can be a "Proper" games site and appeal to a diverse range of gamers, just like that other one. Today to prove we ever play anything apart from PSP games that make your head go funny, here's our list of predictions for Metroid Pinball.

- It might be as good as Sonic Pinball Party

- It will definitely be better than Pinball Of The Dead

- It won't be as good as Pinball Fantasies, Pinball Dreams, Devil Crash or Sonic Spinball

- It will cost money, and therefore be more expensive than downloading ROMs for Medieval Madness and Addams Family off the internet

- It won't be exhibit A in an American rape case or smell of stale fags and WILL ACTUALLY WORK unlike a real pinball table

- [PLACEHOLDER] Probably type a joke in about Advanced Pinball Simulator here too later

xtra ball lol


Metroid Pachinko. Hundreds of Samus Arans pour in through the top of the screen and you get to keep the ones that go down her special holes. When you run out you can choose to take your tiny Samuses and either gamble them by putting them back in the machine, or a second option which makes them take all their clothes off and run around in the lower screen naked. Then you can use the DS touchpen to pour boiling water or hold a magnifying glass over them.
The two screens mean you're twice as likely to catch a glimpse of your disgusting face reflected in the screen during dark moments.

There just isn't a safe angle. Especially when you're playing Nintendogs and have to keep it really close to your face so people don't see what you're doing and think you're gay.
Today we're issuing an open challenge to all the really important people in the Industry that we know read UK:R. We're asking for a game to be made to our specifications. We were originally going to specify a monstrously violent real life simulation with incredibly detailed damage models in which you got to repeatedly punch gaming journalists in the face. We're not fussy though. We'd probably settle for something to do with puzzle and music that had Maria Sharapova on the cover.

In any case, we will pay EIGHT POUNDS TWENTY FOUR to the charity of Richard Jacques' choice should anyone have the integrity and the courage to take us at our word. Bear in mind that it'll actually be a bit less when it arrives though, because the bank have been charging us 50p per cheque since we went overdrawn to buy Sonic Adventure 2.
At this EXACT moment! See the fear in her eyes!

This is what (we imagine) prostitutes look like when you're making them say they love you and you're special and worthwhile. The words are coming out of the mouth, but the dead eyes tell a different story.

We're not suggesting Emily B is a prostitute, BTW! But if she was, we'd happily pay 200 pounds for an hour of "full girlfriend experience". More new Emily on Sky channel 166 photos here.
Not having to deal with MSN Messenger users who change their handle every six hours to some new string of gibberish that sounds like a witty turn of phrase from an early They Might Be Giants or Mogwai album. This is what happens when we try to talk to people NOT EVEN IN REAL LIFE:

PROPER BO: Heya, mate!
US: Who are you?
PROPER BO: It's me, Rob!
US: I thought you were Dancing Gay Hitler.
PROPER BO: No, that was last week. I changed my name from Kiss A Llama On The Llama because I was sick of being called Kill Bill Gates vol.2, remember?

Let's get back to having one name per account. It's already at the point where you need an e-newsletter to keep track of just five people. Soon we'll be too frightened to ask people even the most basic social questions like "ASL" in case they turn out to be our mum.
Even though it LOOKS LIKE the sort of rubbish joke we'd make in Photoshop, in five minutes, it's not -- this is a REAL GAME for the Game Boy Advance for people to buy.

Although we have to respect a game that lets you "collect" girls and only requires one button press to "hook up" with them. Maybe if you hold down both triggers you can punch them in the face for not cooking the right dinner!

Well done to Jo Bethal, who set a new world best of 48 seconds!
And failed. On a whim we thought it'd be fun to spend 160 quid on buying one to take the piss out of (review) as an update, because it's BOUND to be rubbish isn't it? Look at it:

We would then sell it on Ebay hopefully for nearly what we paid for it afterwards. It would be hilarious! But this is what happens when you try to 'checkout' your purchase:

Nice that Commodore is staying true to its roots by crashing all the time. Although to be fair, this is probably the first time anyone's ever tried to buy one so they weren't to know.

See if they've fixed it yet here.
They were "outside Hamleys toy store on Friday, no idea why" according to reader Tom, who spotted two of our top five all-time celebrity icons together in the street.

Tom must have a pretty shit-hot mobile phone too, seeing as he sent us this image at a resolution of 1152x854 and it's very clear. If you click on the photo it will magically go to that size, thanks to our advanced web coding skills:

Judging by the photographic evidence, our AMAZING JOURNALISTIC SKILLS tell us this was probably a SEGA game launch, probably for Sonic Gems which has just come out over here, because Sonic's there. We don't know why a Monkey Ball character is there. And Judging by that shit fleece Rolf's wearing (WE HATE FLEECES), it looks like he's "off duty" and was caught up in the SEGA event unexpectedly. Also, Sonic does not appear to be injured, so they're not filming for Rolf's Animal hospital.
Only we can't be impartial because it's got Kieron Gillen's SMUG FUCKING IRONIC FUCKING NEW JOURNALISM FACE all over it, even on the COVER, so all we can type when thinking about it is "FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCKING BALLS".

Therefore we have to give X360 0/10, even though it looks quite OK and would under normal circumstances get a seven or an eight.
So few dogs turned up to the UK launch of Nintendo DS game Nintendogs that Nintendo had to hire FAKE DOGS to make it look like more dogs turned up than were actually there.

One of these dogs is not a real dog, and is a pathetic PR plant designed by Nintendo to make it look like DS Nintendogs is more popular with dogs than it really is.

It's pretty obvious which dog we're talking about. He knows we're onto him.

BUSTED! How on EARTH does Nintendo think we're going to fall for this?! That's OBVIOUSLY not a real dog! It's not even a very realistic costume, and real dogs NEVER give the thumbs-up signal. This is a disgraceful attempt at tricking the children. Nintendo ought to be ashamed.

Several attendees also indulged in blatant 'Nintendogging' -- the act of publicly exchanging Nintendogs data with strangers.
The woman who's most famous for wanking off a pig on television was curiously chosen to promote Nintendo's new animal handling sim Nintendogs. She may have wanked some of the dogs off, but it wasn't captured by the official event photographer.

Myleene was our favourite pop idol before Cheryl Tweedy held her goalposts open a bit wider. Myleene was in Hear'Say, a kind of fatter, less gay version of Steps. This is a really cool photo of her as she's lost weight since then, yet her chest has stayed the same size! This photo is so lovely we've made it so you can click on it and see the big version -- it takes a lot of effort to do that, so make sure you do.

He's just some boring bloke off the telly who shagged Rachel Stevens for a bit.

There's nothing funnier than a close-up of a dog's lovely happy face! Dogs must all be on drugs! They must put drugs in dog food to keep them happy and stop them biting people. We're going to tell people that's a fact and start a new internet conspiracy theory for stupid people to believe.

This is Rebecca Loos wanking off a pig on television, just in case you foreign people didn't believe this sort of thing actually happens on British TV:

Nintendogs is out tomorrow!
The Perfect Dark heroine has been disgracefully airbrushed for her cover role in men's magazine FHM, bearing little or no resemblance to her real-life self.

This is a SHAMEFUL manipulation of the truth, and sends out the wrong message to female gamers:

(Left) Airbrushed Joanna Dark in FHM photoshoot and (right) Joanna as she appears in the Xbox 360 game. It's a shameful use of Photoshop to enhance her fading looks.
You could wonder if Joanna Dark's fantastic finger nails get broken and dirty throughout the course of Perfect Dark Zero on Xbox 360!

We could then counter by saying you're RUBBISH GIRLS who won't get off the first level to find out! Hilarity will ensue!! Then both our bands of followers will start slagging each other off all over the internet, and we'll win this particular war because our followers fight dirtier than the Japanese in WWII.
Jesus Christ! Loads of stuff happened overnight! Some of which was even a bit new and interesting!

Go to IGN or somewhere to read all about it!!!

If anyone's got any good stories of drunken shame/near death from X05, please email them in. They're always fun.
Does everyone else know this already? Has this been on Engadget and IGN for the last six months and we've just not been paying attention? If so ignore this, if not... WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!!

Thanks to "Ensign Ideon" for the photo (more coming soon):

This is a photo from TGS. So it's probably only for Japan. The right one is the "big one" the left one is the "smaller one" without the numeric keypad. It's that sort of analysis that has made us the UK's top video game journalists.
Nothing has happened yet! Stay tuned for the latest news!

EA announcing NBA games doesn't count.
Where Do Babies Come From is out in about a quarter of an hour, so now seems as good a time as any to justify why we're going to buy it if we haven't spent the money on Chateaux d'Spar '05.

Project Rub was a difficult one for us. On the one hand it was about impressing a woman by drawing giant Sonics and Sega logos on the side of a building. On the other hand it was a wacky Japanese dating-based minigame collection, so in other words it was like Sakura Wars but without any gameplay, carnage or airbrushed nudity.

Just when you thought things were hopeless, though, the game redeemed itself with a scene called "Seeker." To precis, having saved the girl from scorpions, kidnappings and sharks she then drops all her shit in the sand. You have to find the exact items she dropped in TEN SECONDS FLAT or she gets angry, blames you and dumps you. We don't know WHAT happened last time Yuji Naka went dating, but he could clearly teach us a thing or two about bitterness.

SPOILER: Babies come from people who don't play video games having ACTUAL SEX

"I want my nail varnish. No, MY EXACT NAIL VARNISH. Does that even LOOK like my nail varnish? Don't think I don't know that you planned this whole thing. You're STILL trying to get back at me for taping over the Ashes, aren't you? Mum was right about you, you bloody mummy's boy."

We can't wait to see how the new Rub game can top this. Our money is on a subgame set in a hot room where you use the stylus to open or close the window, and she tuts if you open it and tuts if you don't open it.
So there's us saying "YOUR MAGAZINE IS SHIT" to that new Xbox 360 Magazine in front of everyone like we're hard Latino gang-bangers off our heads on ketamine, only for them to "retaliate" by putting us *IN* issue 2 and saying we're, like, great or something, specifically because we said they're shit.



We like them now. And we'll happily take them up on their offer of freelance work should our good job on a good magazine ever come to an end and we need something to fall back and quite a way down on.

You should get a web site, then we can do this every day instead of once every four-to-six weeks.
Click here to download Londonian Gothics wallpapers (if you're a filthy nonce)
It's just no fun when the Japanese stop even trying to pretend any more. Here's Londonian Gothics: Maze Lolitas, in which the player moves a little girl through dungeons looking for kinky dresses and accessories in which to dress her up. She's fifteen too, so we can't even do the "...Your Honour!" gag.


1) Send Rebekah Wade a copy
2) Send Rebekah Wade a copy
3) Send Rebekah Wade two copies