This promotional image was sent out by Nintendo. It was created, presumably, by adults, adults who are staking millions of pounds on the success of DS. This is the best they could come up with:



Nintendo SENT THIS OUT TO PEOPLE. Look. Here's what happened with Pictochat. Someone had an idea. Then, because no one else had any better ideas, it got made. So they ended up with "a thing" but had no idea who/why/how "the thing" would get used or used by. Hence the stupid drawing. The only good thing about DS being £99 is that it might mean Sony's stunning PSP will be £99 too.

THE THREE GREATEST U-TURNS OF RECENT TIME:

3. The Russians starting to do that Glasnost thing.
2. George Bush Sr's "Read my lips -- no new taxes", then some new taxes.
1. UKR declaring Sony's PSP the greatest thing, ever.

And girls are going to REALLY LOVE IT:



Sorry that this is such a rubbish, boring update, but at least it won't cause us any trouble. Expect more of this kind of thing in the future!

We went to see SEGA on Friday. We took lots of photos of the trip, so memories of the special day would stay with us for ever. Come with us on a beautiful journey. A journey to... SEGA Europe!

These are the clothes we're going to wear to see SEGA tomorrow.



Is it time to get up yet? No. Bollocks! Must try to get some sleep. Go faster, time. Go faster!



Today's the day! Hurry up, toaster! We're off to see SEGA and mustn't be late.



Six minutes until the train arrives to take us on our beautiful journey!



These other travellers look miserable. That's because they aren't going to see SEGA! If you could see our face you'd see a BIG SMILE!



This is the ticket machine at the underground station nearest SEGA. Just think, Yuji Naka may have pressed these buttons! We wonder if he got confused because every button doesn't do the same thing like they do in his games?



Leaving the station! Are we out of breath because of all the steps, or because we're excited?!



There's a petrol station just down the road. Just think, Yuji Naka may have stopped here on a visit and bought some buffet pork pies and Monster Much for his lunch! Perhaps he bought a crazy English magazine, too, and got confused about which weird English coins to pay for it with!



We're about to turn onto the road that SEGA's office is on!



This is the road SEGA's office is on!



We're a bit nearer to SEGA!



And a bit nearer!



There it is! That's SEGA's office! You can just make out the logo on that grey building in the middle. At this point we were still excited about going to SEGA, but at the same time quite sad that we seemed to have been walking for AGES and it still looked really far away. Perhaps that is what the old TV adverts meant about getting to SEGA taking AGES?



It turns out that SEGA's office is along what is essentially a motorway. Walking down motorways, even to see SEGA, is never fun. We console ourselves by thinking that Yuji Naka may have walked along this very motorway, only realising some time later that he probably would've taken a taxi.



We're a bit nearer.



The office is a bit closer now, but still looks quite far away.



A bit further down the motorway. It's a cold day and we wished we'd splashed out the six pounds a taxi would've been, like Yuji Naka may have done.



We really are nearly there now. It's just down there on the left. Sadly there were lots of people standing outside the building smoking cigarettes, and there was no way we were going to take photos of the office while people were looking. We wouldn't want SEGA to think we were weird.

SO WHAT GAME DID WE SEE?
We can't tell you yet. Let's just say it was a long-awaited update to a BIG NAME franchise that we played for an hour on Xbox and really liked.

EDGE magazine, the much-loved trade journal of Dixons employees, has relaunched its web site. Found at www.edgeonline.co.uk the new site brings news of the re-opening of the EDGE Café for young people, and also unveils a new slogan -- "Making Jesus Known". Relocating to Cosham, Portsmouth, new EDGE Online has also set up a series of local events, most noticeably a Music Makers Coffee Morning on Mondays and Thursdays, plus a Sports Club for Monday evenings -- featuring table tennis, pool and refreshments!

Holier-than-thou attitude about games dropped in favour of religious support for the local community. This is an EDGE we can like! And may we also say well done to all the young people who raised £638 for the Disaster Appeal at the Car Wash recently.

Following EA's buying-up of MORE THINGS yesterday (and, no doubt, today and tomorrow), quick-off-the-mark reader "The Lambrusco Kid" sent us this extremely satirical image of the future of non-EA video gaming;

And a big thank you to pantomime villain Electronic Arts for giving us an industry hate figure to unite against.

You couldn't make it up!

Shockwaves reverberated around the UKR HQ today, as a bunch of losers whose only contribution to society is to say things suck in web forums announced that UKR's previous update "sucked" in a web forum.

"Not funny" was the response from regular poster "Deg", whose only contribution to society is to say how things suck in a variety of web forums.



Coincidentally, the witty insult "Not funny" was also used in a follow-up message posted by "Society", the latest in a long line of profound, well thought out responses from the internet-using gamer whose only contribution to society is also based around saying how things suck in a variety of web forums without offering any reason, constructive criticism or valid links to his own worthwhile creative output.

A UKR spokesman countered the incredibly deep accusations by penning an update in which the people whose only contribution to society is to say how things suck in a variety of web forums were firmly mocked, an update featuring a final line highlighting the irony that the update itself is likely to be deemed "not funny" by the very same people whose only contribution to society is to say how things suck in a variety of web forums it set out to ridicule.

While looking through old notebooks for ideas to rip off from when we were younger and funnier, we found this. It's a little poem we wrote about Dreamcast. We don't remember if it was meant to be ironic or just sad -- but it sure is purty!

Oh lovely little Dreamcast,
You are the best,
They said.

Oh lovely little Dreamcast,
You're not the best,
You're dead.

It's hard to imagine that we once sat somewhere, purposefully got out our little notebook, and wrote that down. If you've ever written a poem about Dreamcast please send it in. We can probably be friends.

Electronic Arts is pleased to annouce it has gained exclusive rights to use the letters "E™" and "A™" in all its future gaming products.

Starting from January 31 2005, only E™ A™-branded games will be able to use the letters E™ and A™ in their names and in-game text -- a hammer blow for all developers that make games with words in.

"We™'re™ re™a™lly ple™a™se™d tha™t E™A™ ha™s ce™me™nte™d this de™a™l" said E™ A™ spokesman Eamonn Eveshare. He continues "we™ a™re™ now pla™ce™d we™ll to le™a™d the™ ba™ttle™ on ne™xt ge™ne™ra™tion console™s a™nd furthe™r e™sta™blish E™A™ a™s the™ world's le™a™ding e™nte™rta™inme™nt bra™nd".

Worst hit by this bombshell is Eeyore Entertainment, with the release of its Q1 text adventure game Beevil the Evil Weevil's Extreme Sea Search thrown into immediate doubt. Their spokesperson Annabel Eaves was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.

In unrelated news, Russian developer Zyrstsky Gymz's shares were up 139p at close of business.

Well done to a Mr S. Miyamoto, whose hilarious submission entitled "Mario characters in NBA Street V3" is the funniest piece of Photoshop comedy we've seen in ages!

What's that, Shigeru? It's real? This is an ACTUAL PROPER GAME that's really coming out and NOT a joke at all? You've REALLY sold Mario's arse to EA for a few magic beans? Wow, that's a new record depth you've just plummed.

To celebrate Need for Speed Underground 2's capture of the Christmas number one slot, we're organising a global mass suicide of games developers and players. The mass suicide will take place on Saturday January 8. Join us! Do it at whatever time of day you like because IT DOESN'T MATTER ANY MORE. Post a message on the forum before you do it so we can keep count. We're hoping for at least 100.



And this is why.

Out of the ones we played, anyway.

1. NINJA GAIDEN
If you didn't "get it", we pity you. If you didn't play past the second level, we pity you and the idiot children you will raise. There are another 14 levels, each exponentially amazing, each offering more impressive enemies and environments. To play it that far requires thought, cunning, skill and BALLS OF STEEL. Ninja Gaiden's proud majesty brings a lump to our throat. It's hard, but easy once you've mastered it. The combat is perfect, the atmosphere unequalled, the bosses phenomenal masterpieces, the Xbox Live "entire new game" download inspirational. We normally get bored after three levels of most games -- all of Ninja Gaiden was completed three times. For fun. Fantastic.

2. OUTRUN2
We fear this is the last, great Sega game that'll ever be made. Surely new-Sega/Sammy won't sanction the pumping of vast amounts of cash into Yu Suzuki's staggering arcade follies, instead we'll see safe, steady Sega franchises that are updated in a timely and pre-Christmas fashion. Just. Like. E. A. A beautiful driving feel that perfectly combines car handling with track design, it's all Sega ever was in one wonderful game. Typing this is making us cry. Please don't let it be over! We don't know what we'd do with ourselves.

3. PRO EVOLUTION SOCCER 4
We can't think of a better one-on-one video game*. If you're bent and don't like football it's still great, thanks to fast, precise controls that let you master the basics within minutes. We resisted playing Pro Evo right up until this version came out for Xbox -- we now realise the error of our ways, but sadly, can't get those Pro Evo-free years of our life back. Don't make the same mistakes we did.

4. GRADIUS V
Top (that's top-down and occasionally side-on) developer Treasure's fiery-phoenix reworking of Konami's age-old shooter series stunned us with its harsh-but-fair play and dynamic new look. A phenomenal improvement on the miserable Gradius IV, this takes the mighty Silvergun and Ikaruga stylings and squeezes them perfectly into PlayStation2. It's the best shooter since whenever Ikaruga came out on Dreamcast!

5. BURNOUT 3
Here's the thing about Burnout 3. When we first sat down and played it, we were stunned. Proper blown away. We spent three whole days doing nothing but playing Burnout 3, enthusing about the speed, look and excitement of it all. We loved it! We then went off and wrote a review of it and gave it 10/10 (thankfully no one has noticed this). But then, a few days later, after the excitement of getting a game out of EA had subsided, we went back to it and were bored shitless by the "no skill required" bouncing-off-the-sides play and ultra-repetitive crash nonsense that lay behind its glam look. How did it trick us?! We'll never know. OutRun2 is the better driving experience, but Burnout 3 cheated us into giving it a better score with its fireworks. We feel quite stupid about this.

6. FLATOUT
A straightforward racer but with an irresistable slidy off-road feel that makes us think happy Sega thoughts. Its passenger-flinging mini games and online play took the biscuit. It was just a very nice little game and was cheap to buy new. There's no punchline. It's great.

THE SHIT LIST
Watching our poor old PlayStation2 clunk and whirr its way through the way-too-demanding GTA San Andreas was an embarrassment -- as was the game's pathetic "gangsta" style. Halo 2's great if you like team games (we don't) and haven't already played Halo 1 (we have). The disappointment of seeing a Nintendo DS for the first time was so crushing it felt like we were having a heart attack. That'll do. The therapist says we should try to be more positive about things.

*Apart from maybe Virtua Tennis, but we really ought to start trying to get over the whole Dreamcast thing.

Days regain some sort of coherent structure.

No more getting drunk at 10:30am to help the day whizz past.

Going from eight meals a day back to three.

Less chance of developing Type 2 diabetes.

New jumpers to show off.

Leaving the house again! Exciting! Have they built any new buildings since we were last outside?!

Nice break from all that wanking.

Comparing new MP3 players with everyone.

Going back on savoury food.

The feeling that you should be doing something MORE with your life is replaced by the more familiar feeling that you should, in fact, be doing LESS.

eBaying Christmas games for drugs money.

Spending all day posting on internet forums feels slightly more socially acceptable on January 4 than it does on December 25.

We did a huge Christmas story for the Christmas of 2004. If you're reading this archive page in June 2009, it was just after OutRun2 came out for the poorly-remembered Dreamcast 2. Hence the theme. The story works on many levels -- as do all our updates -- but was primarily written because long, ill-conceived and rambling homages to A Christmas Carol are what Christmas is all about. Next year we're doing one set in the future about Splinter Cell. See you then.