UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Thanks to the amazing device that is... the Argos In-Store Stock Display System! We've had loads of these photos from keen readers - AND WANT MORE.

The brave green box speaks the truth:


Lincoln Argos - lots left

This was taken by a reader in Argos, last Friday. PlayStation3 launch day. 33 left. In just one store. 165k? BOLLOCKS.


Argos overstock shame

THEN HE SENT THIS ONE: "I emailed you last Friday with pictures I took in Argos in Lincoln, showing that on launch day they had 33 consoles left. Well, I dropped back in there today and had another look. Needless to say, the results were... a little surprising. 64 of the buggers! Either 31 people were really pissed off with their purchase or Sony decided to add more supply, given that demand is so high..."


Argos Bury - doing badly

Then, yesterday, we got this. This was taken in Argos in Bury. 62 available. In just one store.


Lying cunts, basically

And we got this one from somewhere in Northern Ireland. This is not us being crazy, or relying on anecdotal evidence from one or two people. It's a simple fact that PS3 has not sold. 165k is a lie. The truth will come out. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.


SEND US YOUR LOCAL ARGOS IN-STORE PS3 STOCK COUNT PHOTOS TODAY!
And we'll do an update on them all next week. We'd also like to hear from you if you work in Argos. Just to know how awful it is. And we'd quite like to hear from someone at Chart Track, explaining how PS3 managed to sell precisely 165,000 consoles and not, say, 164,785 or 166,321. Surely it wasn't... A GUESS based on what Sony told you?

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This is surely a joke...


MARIO Vs SONIC :(

...a joke to think that Mario could ever compete with Sonic.
God knows what that means. Probaly a remake of some rubbish old game no one remembers. Typical SEGA. Never gives us what we want.


NiGHTS. On Wii. Crikey

There's a new Ratchet and Clank?!
We don't know anyone who bought one. Or know anyone who know's anyone who bought one. Salesfigure=LIE!! Citizens, beware AXIS propaganda!

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This is your fold-out souvenir update celebrating the global end of Sony's gaming ambitions.

These are the triumphant scenes from across the UK, Europe and Australasian territories, as PlayStation3 lies crushed and defeated. We will never forget the brave consumers who resisted until the end on Friday, March 23, 2007.

BIRMINGHAM!
Here's a photo of the midnight launch frenzy at the Birmingham PlayStation3 launch. As you can see, the brave people of Brum stood tall and proudly stayed at home. [from here]




PS3 CRUSHED IN THE MIDLANDS.



SHEFFIELD!
The next day, the sheer humiliation of Sony's defeat was made apparent as launch day arrived in Sheffield. The proud industrial centre has NOT YIELDED ONE INCH to Sony's pathetic scheme.




"After reading all of the hype about PS3 selling out and whatnot I thought I would send this picture I took 20 minutes ago at Virgin Megastore in Sheffield. They have shed-loads of PS3s left and it's more than 30 seconds after launch. I especially like the tiny 425 sticker. Nice. Nuff said."



LONDON!
And of course, our capital stood firm, as it did in beneath Hitler's blitz of 1940 and 1941, and as it will do TIME AND TIME AGAIN whenever threatened by forces of evil.

This is an on-the-spot report from the DISASTER that was the PS3 midnight launch in Ealing Broadway. We've already covered the central London abomination, here's something from the outskirts.




"I remembered seeing Blockbuster in Ealing Broadway had a "Midnight Opening" sign up, so I went for some "hands-on" experience. Unfortunately, I think some irate Nintendo fans were out for blood, as someone drove past while I was watching and waiting outside the shop, and I was egged! Anyway, I managed to snag some photos."




"From the day before, showing the signs up..."




"Five minutes before midnight... that's a couple standing outside, they were the first in. A father and young son turned up around ten past. At about 12:25 a group lads turned up in a car, and one got out and went into the shop but I was getting on the bus to leave at the time. So all in all, they sold two in a half-hour period.




"Here's a picture of the result of my egging, after the culprits had escaped. It happened around 12:15."



NORWAY!
Great news for Sony from Norway - we have a CONFIRMED report that one console has definitely been sold!




SAYS A NORWEGIAN: "This poor bastard pretty much sums up the Norwegian launch. He's the owner of Gamezone in Stavanger and at the end of day one they had only sold one effin machine. Right now this is probably the face of most European store owners."



POLAND!
All you need to know is that "security guards and staff outnumbered those picking up pre-orders". [from here]




THAT AMAZING NEWS AGAIN: "security guards and staff outnumbered those picking up pre-orders".



AUSTRIA!
A text-only communication from a keen UKR reader in Austria:
"Just wanted to report in the failure of the PS3 launch in Vienna, Austria."

"First of all, there were no big midnight launch parties."

"I went by 2 out of the 3 major retailers before the shops opened to find only 3 people waiting at the doors of one, and 8 people waiting at the other (half of which were the mum's of the other half)."

"I even passed a 4th electronic store on the way to the office to find brand new playstations in the window. No one outside, and only staff inside (minus one kid on his way to school playing the Xbox 360 kiosk). As I stopped at the window, a pair of parents walked up and were speaking german to each other something to the fact that their son wanted one, but the father felt that 600 euro is "bankuberfall" (a bank robbery) and they continued walking."

"The resistance is strong in the Osterreich!"

"Chris"


NEWCASTLE!
The historic manufacturing base knows quality workmanship when it sees it - hence the UNIVERSAL SHUNNING of Sony's abysmal and ineffective PlayStation3 in the strong northern base.




"I was just in town today and I decided to take a photo of the sign outside Virgin that was featured on your site. They appear to have only sold FOUR more PS3s in 24 hours. This photo was taken on March 23rd at midday. Keep up the good work lads."



EDINBURGH!
As in numerous historic battles, the Scots provided some of the strongest and bravest resistance of all. We knew they would not let us down as the critical hours passed.




"I was uptown tonight in Edinburgh so thought I'd have a laugh at the spotty/unemployed/games industry people who turned up for the Midnight launch at Gamestation, Game and HMV on Princes Street. I think the picture attached, taken at 00:01, sums it up nicely. HMV was also shockingly bad, with less than 10 people instore at midnight. I'm not a fanboy of any colour, but it's nice seeing a company get a kicking for taking the public for granted - The Tophatron."



AUSTRALIA!
The never-say-die of the Aussies attitude shone through yet again down under.

"At midnight, about 40 PS3 buyers had arrived to collect their consoles, causing distress for the army of camera crews who turned up expecting to capture launch mayhem. Desperate producers unashamedly asked the crowd to fake excitement when the cameras were rolling, while a team from 2Day FM let out bogus cheers to convince their radio listeners that a launch extravaganza was underway."


TRAITOR

"Now word from an employee there says they had 600 consoles as they expected hundred of people to arrive, but they sold about 60 in total. Sony spent 6million dollars on this launch, whereas MS spent 1million and the turnout was about 1000 people. What does that tell ya? It tells ya it's a good day to be in PAL Land! Yours joyfully, Mr Pink."



FRANCE!
Easily the biggest shame for Sony yet, where "only 50" people turned up to buy the 1000 PlayStation3s made available at the Paris midnight launch. [from here]




"PS3 launch in Paris was also a failure last night. Only four to five people were at the 'Champs Elysees' to buy Sony's shitty box. And only about 20 more were at the special event at the Eiffel tower to wait for it. Jeux-France has a video of the non-event, including Microsoft's boat floating in front of Sony's on the Seine and Georges Fornay (Sony's president in France) looking really worried about the few people there."




More on Sony's French CATASTROPHE from official French news sources here.

A ROUGH TRANSLATION OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH:

FRENCH: "La Playstation 3 fait un bide 3000 fans etaient attendus au pied de la tour Eiffel : seule une centaine s'est presentee... L'evenement organise par Sony pour sa PS3 a vire au flop. 95 percent des consoles du magasin ephemere n'ont pas trouve preneur."

ENGLISH: "The Playstation 3 is a flop 3000 fans were expected in front of Eiffel tower: only a hundred came... Sony's event for its PS3 made a flop. 95% of the stock for this temporary shop didn't find a buyer."

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Watching PlayStation3 auctions ending on Ebay right now is the single greatest comedy event of our time. Even better than that bit in Planes, Trains and Automobiles where Steve Martin dries his face on what he thinks is a towel but is actually John Candy's underpants.

Reading Ebay is all we do now, sobbing with joy, as glorious slaughter after glorious slaughter after glorious slaughter unfolds. The world is being cleansed, one idiot at a time.


TOTAL PWNAGE!!

The errors this seller made here were twofold - (1) buying a PS3, (2) bundling it with the worst launch game of them all. We're usually above using such base phrases, but... TOTAL PWNAGE!! LOL!! Maybe you should try making the font bigger next time?


JUSTICE EXAMPLE #2233657
HA HA HA HA HA HA!

OTHER CASES TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION:
  • Twat
  • Twat
  • Twat
  • Twat
  • Labels:

    And this is just page one - of TWELVE! This is like turning into a super-hero and beating up all the people you hate, or arriving at the school reunion in a Ferrari with a pregnant Cheryl Tweedy and full head of hair.

    THIS IS JUSTICE!


    PS3's EBAY HELL

    This is the second happiest two days of our lives, just behind the weekend of June 21-22, 1986 - the weekend we discovered wanking.

    AND THERE'S THIS:

    Dear UKR,

    Ebay changed its fees last month for the videogames category. It lowered the price of listing items to about 10p. However, it now takes more in commission off the backend. A whole nine percent! This means that any PS3 needs to sell for more than 463 pounds to break even - and more than that if they buyer pays by Paypal.

    I imagine many of the scalpers will look at the ending value and figure they have made some profit - before the sting in the tail next month when the Ebay bill arrives.

    Labels:

    Here are some photos from the London PS3 launch. It was like the opening scenes of 28 Days Later.


    No names... yet

    There were, literally, no more than 120 queuing people inside, and half of them were journalists. No queues outside. And this was 11pm on the Official Midnight Launch night for all of central London. It was a disaster. Obviously we're bound to say that, but it was. Nobody was interested in the slightest. Today, we are proud to be British.


    The remaining few idiots who didn't 'get the memo'

    That's the queue. All of it. The phrase we want to use to describe the clear death of PlayStation is "seismic shift in the national psyche" but that might be a bit over the heads of the 20,000 Gamefaqs readers we've picked up in the last couple of weeks. To put it in simpler terms - "Ps3 is teh doomed".


    SMELLED OF DEATH

    The London launch also proved how old fashioned Sony's "lifestyle" approach is. 10 years ago, we'd have been wowed by a launch party which featured hired performers, a predictable selection of hip hop music being played too loud and an overly-enthusiastic MC trying to get people to sound excited. Now, though, it's just embarrassing.


    PS3 - DEAD ON ARRIVAL

    A few more disinterested automatons, the last of a dying breed, trudge lifelessly toward the till because they think they have to. It is the same across all of Europe. Today, we have woken up to a better, brighter world. A GREAT DARKNESS HAS BEEN LIFTED FROM US ALL! Sony is over. More photos from the European night of GLORY soon.

    Labels:

    "Commandant Harrison the launch is not going as planned. It seems we have underestimated the resolve of the British."

    "Hmm. This is not good news Lieutenant Maguire ......we must instigate Plan B."

    "Plan B.....are you sure.....with the money we are already losing on each console?"

    "Yes, it's the last resort, we must do something to rescue the situation. Order the truck to deliver the big tellys."

    "Er, yes Commandant, right away."

    "But Maguire, this must be a secret do you hear? A secret. Do not tell anyone!"

    Labels:

    Some dodgy shopkeeper has spent the afternoon standing in the street, trying to flog PS3s the day before he's supposed to. Naughty, but desperate times...

    And, of course, there was no queue or excitement.


    TRAITOROUS SCUM

    If you want one (YOU DON'T, we're being hypothetical) head down to London's cheap electronics/foreign food district now.

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    Thanks for your submissions and brave work, everyone. It's been a pleasure. You have all made a difference.

    When UK:Resistance is crowned King of the New Order, we will ensure that you are all given preferential treatment and shipped off to only the finest of labour camps, with the highest hygiene standards and most generous food rations. We look after our people, here. We will be a much better boss than the old boss.

    THE FINAL PUSH:





    PS3 BOMBS IN SHEFFIELD

    EYEWITNESS REPORT: "I work in the centre of Sheffield and have been walking past this sign practically every day since Game started taking pre-orders. I particularly like the way that the store manager has had to put 'Remember the Wii?' on the sign to try and scaremonger potential customers into purchasing a piece of shit which they otherwise wouldn't have thought twice about. Well, it hasn't worked, has it?"


    PS3 BOMBS IN SHEFFIELD

    EYEWITNESS REPORT: "Find attached two photos I took today in Sheffield. Playtime in Sheffield is ADVERTISING it still has PS3s left. I went in to ask how many they had in the first place but they wouldn't tell me. Sorry about the poor picture quality, I can't afford a decent camera because I gave all my money to Sega back in 2001".


    PS3 BOMBS IN SHEFFIELD

    ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ABOUT 'PLAYTIME': "Playtime is an interesting shop because the owner can't stand Nintendo and the other main guy who works there only buys Nintendo consoles. I don't think there's ever been a time when I've walked in and they haven't been arguing about Nintendo. If only they would learn..."


    PS3 BOMBS IN VIRGIN

    "I work at Blockbusters and the past 4 weeks has just been a relentless push on pre-orders for the PS3. We were told that Sony could guarantee that every pre-order would be honoured. Blockbuster seem to think that they are bum chums with Sony. We can't shift them for love nor money. In fact, the only 2 we have pre-ordered were from the same guy and he even told me that he was going to Ebay them to make a tidy profit. What a twat. As the launch date has been approaching and units still not being shifted in the quantities expected we were told by higher management to leave "two interesting facts that customers might not know about the PS3" on the company voicemail that we could then pass on the grateful public. Frankly, most of the facts given were beyond lame. Example: Did you know that the PS3 is portable? You can move it about. Gee, thanks. Example 2: Did you know that the PS3 is multi-region and will play DVDs and Blu-Rays from around the world. Er, no it fucking well can't. Honestly, it's getting embarrassing."


    PS3 BOMBS IN CARDIFF

    YES: Is the new PlayStation 3 doomed to failure?


    PS3 BOMBS IN OXFORD

    PS3 BOMBS IN OXFORD

    ON THE SPOT REPORT: "HMV in the centre of Oxford has been advertising pre-orders for the last two weeks. Yesterday, they resorted to touting their pre-order allocation as some kind of reverse psychology incentive. Needless to say, the number was the same today.


    PS3 BOMBS IN OXFORD

    "Meanwhile, Virgin across the street has also had a sign outside advertising its pre-orders for the last week or so. Doesn't look like they're having much luck either."


    METRO - NO CLUE

    "Just went to an eb games in auckland new zealand and asked them how many consoles they have left for pre order and they said only a few, then I overhear a conversation the manager has with another store and hear him say "it's not going too well we've only had 30 pre-orders" so they are struggling to get rid of them over here... the ps3 is dead!!"


    PS3 BOMBS IN DENMARK

    DENMARK!


    PS3 BOMBS IN ALTRINCHAM

    ALTRINCHAM!


    PS3 BOMBS IN MIDDLESBROUGH

    MIDDLESBROUGH!


    PS3 BOMBS IN NEWCASTLE

    NEWCASTLE!


    PS3 BOMBS IN ABERDEEN

    ABERDEEN!


    PS3 BOMBS IN HULL

    HULL!


    PS3 BOMBS IN HULL

    HULL!


    PS3 BOMBS IN HULL

    HULL!


    PS3 BOMBS IN HULL

    HULL!


    THUNDERBIRD - SPEAKS THE TRUTH

    "Here's some potentially interesting data that shows the complete lack of interest in the PS3 that I came across today. "The share of UK Internet searches for 'playstation 3' increased 14% in the past four weeks." - Ha ha ha, totally toss."


    NEVER TRUST THE ITALIANS AT A TIME OF WAR:
    http://www.gamesindustry.biz/content_page.php?aid=23664


    PS3 - ABANDONED IN NEW YORK

    "Speaking to GamesIndustry.biz, Virgin's promotions and PR manager Stephen Lynn said he wasn't disappointed by the level of turnout on Wednesday. "I'm delighted that we've got anyone at all, to be honest."


    PS3 - BOMBS IN CHESTERFIELD

    "Thought you might be interested in a message I saw on a board: "Where I work, we originally started a couple of weeks ago with a sign that said "Only 12 PS3s left!" A couple of days later, that changed to "Only six left!" It is now sitting at "Only two left!" We have not sold any since the "12 left" sign"


    PS3 - SHOP DESPERATION

    "The PS3 Launch line up is so exciting that if you buy on a PS3 at HMV, they are offering you a PS2 port of a PSP port of a PS2 game that came out in 2002 for only £10! Assuming it runs on your PS3, this means you can be playing this great game for only FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE POUNDS - what a launch!"


    QUICK! TRY ANOTHER ANGLE TO SELL SOME!

    IDIOTS

    THE END

    That just about wraps things up.

    Labels:

    Will anyone beat this? 320 pounds for a PS3 + a game and an extra controller! Well done Kanyevil86 that's cost you 180 pounds, well it would if you'd actually honoured the deal. No doubt your account will be closed by the end of the day? We imagine all the other sellers are currently trying find the button to "End Auction Early". Ebay is going to be the funniest site on the internet for the next two weeks.

    Labels:

    Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful! Moron pre-orders PlayStation3, then sells it on Ebay for less than he paid for it. Other UK auctions are currently floudering, too. Genius. Global justice. WELL DONE, BRAVE PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN. THE END IS NIGH. THE END IS NIGH!

    We can't wait to read the Sony press release on Monday morning. It had better include a full and frank apology for the global disgrace that is Sony's current hardware scheme.


    PS3 Ebay JUSTICE!

    This is the update we've been waiting to write for 18 months - AND IT FEELS GOOD. For once, our tears are of joy.

    Labels:

    Here we are! The launch event starts now!


    PS3 UK launch event thrills

    The excitement is amazing, the crowds...


    LAUNCH MADNESS!

    Oh.


    Jenny, Dave from Sony's sister

    There are two people queuing for a PS3. The first one is a woman. All the other people in this picture are journalists and PR people who were probably expecting a better turn out, plus security guards who can't believe how easy the job is as all they have to do is take the names of a few meek writers who want to take photos for their blogs.




    We didn't bother interviewing her, as she's obviously (a) a friend of someone at Sony, (b) a friend of someone at Virgin, (c) a COMPLETE FUCKING LUNATIC, or (d) a homeless crack addict glad of a warm place to sleep tonight where she won't get raped. The rape will instead happen at midnight on Thursday when she hands over her credit card to buy a PS3.

    UPDATE: We are reliably informed by a reporter friend that the second guy in the queue is "buying six to sell on Ebay". Worst. Idea. Ever.


    'Reporting LIVE!'

    This man's filming the event!




    This is what he's filming. He'll have to work one hell of an 'angle' to get something decent out of this embarrassing public cluster-fuck.


    Heavy demand

    We would imagine that there will indeed be some PS3s left over to buy this weekend. Bring a van, you can have 50,000 if you want.

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    According to actual research. Just 12 of the 50 most popular European PS2 games work properly on PS3. 9 have "minor issues" while 13 have "noticeable issues" and 16 "don't work at all"

    TOTALLY BROKEN: Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II, SSX Tricky, Gran Turismo 4, Metal Gear Solid 2... AND MORE:
    HERE ARE THE STATS, COMPILED BY MARK, WHO HAS A LOT OF FREE TIME AT THE MOMENT DUE TO PERSONAL ISSUES:
    "I've just gone through the top 50 highest-reviewed PS2 games according to Game Rankings (don't ask me how I got the time, it involves having a breakdown and being a drop-out until I'm sane again) and checked them all against the PS3 backwards compatibility lists for the new European version of the hardware."

    1. Resident Evil 4 - Noticeable Issues
    2. Grand Theft Auto III - Works
    3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - Noticeable Issues
    4. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty - Doesn't Work
    5. Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec - Minor Issues
    6. God of War II - Works
    7. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City - Works
    8. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 - Minor Issues
    9. Pro Evolution Soccer 2 - Minor Issues
    10. God of War - Works
    11. Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence - Works
    12. Burnout 3: Takedown - Minor Issues
    13. NCAA Football 2004 - Not released in Europe
    14. Okami - Noticeable Issues
    15. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 - Noticeable Issues

    16. Winning Eleven: Pro Evolution Soccer 2007 - Not released in Europe
    17. Final Fantasy XII - Minor Issues
    18. Devil May Cry - Works
    19. SSX Tricky - Doesn't Work
    20. Guitar Hero II - Doesn't Work

    21. Madden NFL 2002 - Noticeable Issues
    22. Guitar Hero - Doesn't Work
    23. SSX 3 - Doesn't Work
    24. SSX - Doesn't Work
    25. Madden NFL 2004 - Doesn't Work
    26. Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal - Doesn't Work

    27. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - Minor Issues
    28. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater - Noticeable Issues
    29. Soul Calibur II - Doesn't Work
    30. TimeSplitters 2 - Noticeable Issues
    31. Pro Evolution Soccer 5 - Noticeable Issues

    32. Shadow of the Colossus - Works
    33. Madden NFL 2003 - Noticeable Issues
    34. Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution - Minor Issues
    35. Final Fantasy X - Noticeable Issues
    36. NCAA Football 2003 - Not released in Europe
    37. World Soccer Winning Eleven 8 International - Not released in Europe
    38. Virtua Fighter 4 - Minor Issues
    39. Tony Hawk's Underground - Minor Issues
    40. Pro Evolution Soccer 4 - Noticeable Issues
    41. Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando - Doesn't Work

    42. Burnout Revenge - Works
    43. Madden NFL 2005 - Noticeable Issues
    44. NCAA Football 2002 - Not released in Europe
    45. Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy - Doesn't Work
    46. Winning Eleven 6 International - Not released in Europe
    47. ICO - Works
    48. Madden NFL 2001 - Noticeable Issues
    49. Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King - Doesn't Work

    50. NBA Street Vol. 2 - Works
    51. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004 - Works
    52. NCAA Football 2005 - Not Released in Europe
    53. Ratchet & Clank - Doesn't Work
    54. Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell Chaos Theory - Doesn't Work
    55. NBA 2K2 - Doesn't Work
    56. Gran Turismo 4 - Doesn't Work

    57. Tekken 5 - Works

    Incredibly, Sony's OFFICIAL ADVICE includes the following line:
  • You should skip optional FMV sequences

  • UKR'S OFFICIAL ADVICE:
    You should skip PlayStation3.

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    HMV and GAME on London's Oxford Street have both CANCELLED their midnight openings for PS3 launch day. Instead, GAME is offering free bacon sandwiches on the following Friday morning, while HMV has resorted to giving away 150 copies of Virtua Tennis 3.

    Funny - usually console launches don't require blatant bribery to get people to turn up and buy new consoles. Usually, there's some sort of mad rush and excitement, not miserable staff in polo shirts handing out BACON SANDWICHES to tempt people in so they don't get sacked.


    A nice photo of a bacon sandwich

    Or go to Sainsburys, buy some bread and and some bacon and save yourself about 422 quid.


    THE FACTS TO BACK THIS UP:
  • HMV CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH PS3

  • GAME CAN'T BE BOTHERED EITHER, BUT IS AT LEAST MAKING UP AN EXCUSE
  • Labels:

    "The Blockbuster in question is the one on Clifton Road close to Maida Vale tube station" said the vigilant spotter, so if you fancy getting one of the last 218,000 available UK machines hurry down there now!

    Note to self: Start up new web site about poorly written shop signs.


    PS3 - Only few wanted

    And by "only few" they mean "all the ones we stupidly ordered from the wholesaler a couple of months ago when it looked like a money maker rather than a disastrous cash pit".

    Labels:

    In a nutshell - no one wants to launch games alongside PS3 and would rather wait until more than 6,400 people have bought one, so sales figures are only disastrous instead of VERY DISASTROUS:


    PS3 LAUNCH GAMES IN DISAPPEARING FROM VIEW, ER, SHAME

    Ubisoft and Vivendi have clearly realised the financial idiocy of spending loads of money bringing old Xbox 360 games we've already bought and played to a console no one's going to buy.


    FROM HERE:
    MCV

    Labels:

    The undeniable truth of PS3's failing in the UK has been revealed, thanks to a photograph of an in-store Currys staff bulletin screen.

    Currys, the high street chain stupid people use to pay more for electronics than they cost on the internet or anywhere else, has not hit its PS3 pre-order targets. Look - even people on the internet can't argue with an actual photograph:


    CURRYS - Losing money thanks to Sony's inept schemes

    Good news about the HDMI cables, though. That'll really make up the massive financial shortfall Sony's dead-on-arrival PS3 is inflicting on businesses across the land.

    Labels:

    PlayStation3 is dead in America. Actually dead. Already. It's over. It's over. This is FACT. Our hands are shaking as we type these amazing, DISASTROUS American PS3 sales figures. It's over.
    US SALES FIGURES FOR FEBRUARY 2007 [source]
  • DS: 485,000
  • Wii: 335,000
  • PS2: 295,000
  • 360: 228,000
  • PSP: 176,000
  • GBA!: 136,000
  • PS3: 127,000

  • It doesn't matter what happens in Europe now. The global financial powerhouse has REJECTED PlayStation3 and the tide has already turned. There is no way back, not even a cumbersome 3D avatar system from a 1998 PC game and a game about teddy bears can save PS3 now. IT IS OVER!

    Tonight we shall enjoy the wank of the victorious.

    Labels:

    This is the most incredible display of PS3 pre-order desperation yet. We can't stop looking at it. It's beyond belief. It's beautiful yet terrifying.

    It's the Horsham branch of GAME attempting MIND CONTROL:


    HORSHAM GAME IN PS3 MIND CONTROL SHOCK

    SAYS THE SPOTTER: "It's official - the PS3 is cheaper than the combined price of two more expensive things. It's certainly food for thought."


    IF YOU WORK FOR GAME IN HORSHAM:
    Please seek some sort of medical or psychiatric care, or at least take a week or two off work to relax and calm down a bit. It's really not that important.


    PLAY.COM IN PS3 FIRE SALE HORROR

    IN OTHER NEWS: Play has started giving away free games to try and shift its clearly massive "launch allocation". We can only imagine the amount of horrified realisation that is dawning in retailer boardrooms across the country right now.

    Labels:

    Look, we're not 'all over' Xbox 360 or anything, it's just that Microsoft is doing such a solid, unremarkable job of it all that there's nothing to hate.

    Unless you work for GAME in the pikey shopping hell of the Bluewater Centre, that is, where they're assuming people 'know about' and 'care about' HD movie formats:


    PS3 in Bluewater lie shame

    Well done, idiots. You've made the one console people might actually be able to afford and want to buy sound a bit rubbish. So you won't sell anything at all now. When did shops start being biased about the things they sell?


    WHAT WE CAN ALSO INFER FROM THIS SIGN
  • They still have lots left no one wants
  • The war's getting dirty out there


  • Supermarket apple war

    Here's a photo we just took in Tesco, where the 'Apple War' is in full flight. It looks rubbish because our phone camera isn't very good at perspective.

    Labels:

    In an incredible twist, Leeds would appear to have plenty of PlayStation3s left for pre-order. This is certainly bucking the national trend!


    LEEDS: Industry and Pride

    ON THE SPOT REPORT: "Hello all, I've attached two photos taken in Leeds' main shopping area. As you can see, GAME are in their last few days of pre-orders for PS3, except that sign has been there for the last few weeks."


    VIRGIN: Capitalist sympathising scum

    "Virgin on the other hand are emphasising their student discount by any means necessary. I couldn't get photos of inside, but under every PS3 pre-order poster there are huge signs pointing out the 10% discount for all students. What they should be advertising is that with 10% off a PS3 you can buy yourself a Wii as well."


    F.A.O. STUDENTS:
    If you buy a PS3 this means you're not allowed to whine about loans or attend anti-capitalist rallies with your sack-cloth-wearing, dreadlocked, stinking, gap-year-in-Thailand-going-off-on, quorn-eating friends. You're also not allowed to spend the next 25 years of your life only talking about your "uni" friends and the things you did in "uni" and how much fun you had in "uni". That last one's a general rule even if you don't buy a PS3.

    Labels:

    This isn't a pre-order campaign - it's a MASSACRE.


    GAME joins PS3 pre-order bribery shame list

    Sony has clearly manufactured a PS3 for every man, woman and child in Europe. Either that or NO ONE WANTS THE THING and its cumbersome 3D avatar system from 1998.

    Labels:

    The brave people of France are ordering the out-of-stock Nintendo Wii ahead of the definitely-in-stock-even-if-you-want-two-fucking-thousand PlayStation3.

    Our French friends would rather wait "1-4 months" for a Wii than have a PS3. Finally, we have found the common ground that will bring our two historic nations together!

    We shall celebrate by having a wank over 'Betty Blue' tonight.


    FRANCE - A nation of brave warriors!

    SAYS OUR SPY: "Just thought you'd like to know that pre-orders for the currently out of stock Wii at Amazon France (with an estimated delivery date of between 1 to 2 months) are currently higher than those of launch day PS3s. At the time of writing Wii is at 2 in the Amazon gaming chart with PS3 at 8."


    PS3 - C'est merde ala toast

    A united Europe WILL NEVER FALL.


    WE USE THESE INDICATORS WHEN IT SUITS US, AND IGNORE THEM WHEN IT DOESN'T:
    And Animal Crossing is still up there! Viva la France!

    Labels:

    Print this out, then stick it in shop windows across the country. If we can convince ONE PERSON not to bother, if we can save ONE POOR SOUL from Sony's evil European rip-off, it will be worth it.

    Stick it in doorways, on our mighty oak trees, on the lamp posts and walls of our proud industrial cities. Adorn your windows and cars, spread word that the foul invasion of our country WILL NOT WORK.

    And if you use the printer at work it won't even cost you anything.


    PS3 - SOLD OUT

    This is the only one of these you're ever likely to see.

    Labels:

    Sony announces PERVERTS PARADISE! Playstation Home. First user signs up - creates avatar.
    News just in - the heroic people of Birmingham are not falling for Sony's faltering scheme either. Colour in another section of the War Room map, Mr Montgomery!


    BIRMINGHAM - CITY OF HEROES

    The city's desperate branch of Gamestation has resorted to papering most of its front windows in crude, lurid coloured propaganda leaflets, in an attempt to attract idiots into its evil clutches - like sportswear-clad moths to the world's most expensive flame.


    BIRMINGHAM - THE BRAVE HEART OF BRITAIN

    This plan will fail - and it's cost them a lot of money in paper and printer toner. The search is now on to find a shop that has actually sold its entire pre-order allocation. The search will, of course, be FUTILE, thanks to the IRON WILLED people of Europe.

    Labels:

    Still believe the LIES about PS3 pre-orders going well? Then THINK AGAIN. If things are so rosy, how come HMV is giving away a grand of games just to tempt the scum into pre-ordering one?

    What's happened here is HMV had a meeting where questions like "Shit! What can we do to shift some of these useless things no one wants?" were asked, then someone suggested doing a competition.

    No one else had any better ideas, so they did a competition.


    HMV PS3 pre-order bribery shame

    And the CAPITALIST SCUM have called VF5 "Virtual Fighter 5". Will people NEVER LEARN? It's insult after insult to our proud national heritage. Never before has there been a better time to throw a bin through a shop window.

    Labels:

    Online retailer Gameplay has resorted to putting screenshots of Gears of War on its PS3 pre-order page to make it look better than it actually is, in the hope that it may make at least one person in the UK make a pre-order.

    Amazingly, the blundering Sony sympathiser has even used the box - the box that says GEARS OF WAR on it - to illustrate PS3's upcoming flop war game Resistance.


    Resistance: Fall of Sony

    Whether this is an evil wartime lie designed to trick people or simple stupidity on its part, the end result will be the same - no pre-orders. Well done on matching Sony's ineptitude, though.

    Labels:

    This is no one-off. This is not some rogue retailer who ordered more than he can sell. The lack of interest in PS3 is systemic, undeniable and nationwide. What's also amazing is how retailers are lying about it, as if they think their customers can't see what's happening.

    This "last chance to order today" sign has been out for weeks. The collaborating SCUM at Virgin should be shot:


    Virgin - Fraternising with the enemy

    "Here is a picture of the hopelessly optimistic sign outside the Virgin Megastore on High Street Kensington. It was taken last Friday when I walked past on my way to Uni. It was up over a week before when I became the last person on earth to buy Animal Crossing: Wild World. It was up before that, when I got a copy of the DS Lite browser. I'm just listing this so you can have an idea of how much money I've spent NOT pre-ordering the PS3".


    We'll go back in a week

    "When I went to pay, the guy asked me 'Had you considered pre-ordering a PS3?'. I replied, 'Only as some sort of nightmarish fantasy'. Let's face it, if you really want to beat up hookers with a baseball bat, Soho is only a 20 minute bus-ride away. The sign went up the day the PS3 was available for pre-order. I'm guessing that the main reason they haven't take it down yet is to save the trouble of having to put it back up the day before the PS3 is released".


    CRUSHING THE PUNY FORCES
    Tomorrow we will show you how Liverpool is rejecting PS3. Then Manchester. Then everywhere else in the UK and into mainland Europe. We will demonstrate the STRENGTH and RESOLVE of the European people, and their BRAVERY in resisting Sony's EVIL MACHINE. And we'll also say that it's too much money again and maybe do something about this story in which the president of Sony basically says Ken Kutaragi is a fuckwit.

    Labels:

    If we mock the enemy, we do not fear the enemy.


    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    We got about 70 emails, and that's not including all the idiots who forgot to attach the file first time and then had to send it again with a slightly embarrassed apology.


    THIS IS THE WINNER:
    This is the winner:


    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    We're hoping the winner might like our entire rubbish t-shirt range as a prize. That's over 45 pounds worth of old, slightly musty, unwanted stock! If you made this one, email us to claim your prize.


    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    This one was nearly the winner. It's our personal favourite, but sadly there's an apostrophe missing. We're not rewarding someone for bad grammar. This is a harsh lesson.


    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    This one should've been the winner too, but A-Team jokes are a bit '2005' right now.


    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Obviously we can't upload all 70, as that would immediately double the size of the internet and create massive logistical problems worldwide. Not to mention that about 40 of them were really rubbish.


    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    SPECIAL COMMENDATION for putting in effort.


    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    These are the runners up or runner ups, however you're meant to say that.


    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    Ken Kaption Kompetition

    You lot don't win anything apart from a half nod of respect for at least trying. Thanks, everyone. We probably won't ever do anything like this again, as Hotmail's very rubbish when you get more than one email in a day.

    LOADS MORE:
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    Labels:

    UK web retailer Kanection has had its launch allocation increased!


    Hurry!

    Or, to put it another way, "WE ALSO HAVE LOADS OF THE FUCKING THINGS LEFT AND NEED THE WAREHOUSE SPACE FOR MORE Wiis".


    TODAY'S PS3 SALES DISASTER ROUND-UP:

  • Web retailer Simply Games is already discounting PS3, selling pre-orders for 415 pounds.

  • Gameplay, who we forgot about, also has some left.

  • We walked along Oxford Street yesterday. London's busiest shopping street. HMV and GAME were still taking pre-orders.

  • The FT says Sony's claims of PS3 "shortages" are "baffling".
  • Labels:

    We've done enough of these rubbish things recently, so now it's your go. Do one. Be funny. Go on.

    Here's the blank:


    ?

    But what's he SAYING?! Here's one we've already been sent:


    Entry 1

    Try to use Verdana at about size 20. Email them in. We'll upload the best ones and probably the rubbish ones to avoid hurting your precious little feelings as well, next week.
    And he clearly spent a lot of time doing it so we pretty much have to upload them, due to being nice like that.
    A MAN'S POEMS ABOUT SONY:

    there once was a game about buggies
    that was loved by a bunch of dumb druggies
    they spent their life savings
    to fulfill their cravings
    for a game with a palette like used huggies

    there once was a ken kutaragi
    whose business sense was somewhat foggy
    he thought consumers would beg
    to pay an arm and a leg
    to watch the ballad of ricky bobby

    the ps3's new iteration
    of character manipulation
    lets you wave it around
    which is much more profound
    an advancement than played-out "vibration"

    the ps3's much-vaunted cell
    is causing developers hell
    says sony, "we don't care,
    they'll just use middleware"
    does the name "saturn" ring a bell?

    though sony remains yet defiant
    and their legions of fanboys compliant
    i wish they'd take pains
    to kindly explains
    why the thing must be so fucking giant

    who cares if the loading screen drags
    and character switches cause lags
    the ps3's blu-ray
    will carry the day
    'cuz hard drive caching is for fags

    there once was a game-playing Brit
    who practically chomped at the bit
    for the day ps3s
    would be shipped overseas
    wait 'til he finds out it's such shit

    killzone 2 was shown at e3
    and filled all the masses with glee
    said phil harrison, "now I'm
    swearing this is real-time
    and not a pre-render, no sirree"

    the launch of the ps3 must
    be considered no less than a bust
    when every best buy
    has a table stacked high
    with "new" boxes gathering dust

    i'm hardly in microsoft's lap
    but the ps3's lineup is crap
    when a simplistic, lame
    converted flash game
    is ever called a "killer app"

    about lair, all the tongues started waggin'
    when youtube clips showed massive laggin'
    in a game filled with fights
    against humanoid sprites
    and an ugly semen-covered dragon

    the ps3's control ports were zero
    which meant there'd be no guitar hero
    for jimmy to play,
    and so since that day,
    he has felt like a big stupid queero

    It's not every day things like this happen.