UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Christ. This isn't just straight to video, it's straight to Google Video.

Holly Valance could just about save the Dead or Alive movie

Although...


Holly Valance fighting in the sea could just about save the Dead or Alive movie

Actually...


Jamie Pressly wearing tight jeans could just about save the Dead or Alive movie

Come to think of it...


Devon Aoki in a bikini could just about save the Dead or Alive movie

When you look at it like this...


MOVIE SAVED

BEST FILM EVER TWO THUMBS UP AND FIVE OUT OF FIVE.

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Five years of shit wee jokes on the way :(

Nintendo Wii

And we thought Dreamcast was bad. We will pray for the poor Nintendo fans tonight.
#2: Andy Crane off early-to-mid-90s video game TV show 'Bad Influence'



He was always rubbish, a sort of nervous, albino Philip Schofield who was too jittery to ever be funny or watchable. He also looked suspicious all the time and too thin, probably because he's a nervous fidget.

Anyway, he's not dead from crack! He's just in the purgatory of regional TV.




No wait, *local* TV -- TV for Manchester! Specifically Manchester. Not the Manchester area, but a very particular bit of the centre of Manchester. He's on Channel M, a new TV station that's quite hard to get and definitely only for Manchester.




Andy's introductory movie is stilted script reading at its best! He probably didn't know it was going on the internet where people might see it, else he would've tried a bit harder. There's also a woman reporter who walks with purpose and swishes her hair. We're starting to think this might be a viral marketing joke site.




He's also on the radio! It must be a hell of a hectic schedule for the real life Alan Partridge.


SO THAT'S WHAT ANDY CRANE IS DOING NOW
We have no other point to make, other than sort of reminding you and us about Andy Crane and seeing what he's up to these days.

ANDY CRANE RESOURCES:
http://www.1054centuryfm.com/
http://www.channelm.co.uk/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Crane
The subtext of this is that black people, Asian people and smug-looking American pricks people can all come together to call each other gay on Xbox Live:

The Xbox 360 community is vibrant and spans all cultures!

Xbox 360 appeals to all demographics!

There's a hooded top for if you want to mug people

This is for Microsoft booth babe cosplay

We'd like to immerse ourselves approximately six inches into that

It's taken from the Xbox Gear Store which, optimistically, features tops and t-shirts in girl sizes.

YOU CAN EVEN BUY AN XBOX 360 HAT:

This is for 'fucking cunts'

The hat will get you "new friends".
The global zeitgeist for the last 72 hours has been trawling through Arcade Flyers. The best thing on there - and in the world ever - is this. Sega Chan. A ready-made robot friend from Sega.

Sega Chan robot best buddy for angry loners

Its arms open 45-degrees! That means you could hug it, and it could hug you back. Its cold metal skin would be quite close to feeling love. We'd imagine.


SORT OF STOLEN FROM:
http://www.arcadeflyers.net
We hate charity. The last thing we did for charity was pretend an Ebay auction was for Africa, so the game we stole went for more.

Bizarre Creations charity drive thing

BUT! This is something for charity about driving rubbish cars across Europe, with Bizarre Creations staff - the nicest people in games - doing the driving and getting sponsored by RICHARD JACQUES! And if Richard thinks it's OK, THAT MAKES IT OK!

This may also mark a Scrooge-like turning point for us in which we stop building the chains that will weigh us down in the afterlife.


THE CHARITABLE LINK:
Justgiving - Bizarre Creations Scumball fundraiser
At Christmas we spoke lightly of Sega's latest card game, Love and Berry. We said horrible things, like it was obviously the only game that girls would play as you didn't have to do anything but wear clothes, and there was only ONE BIG BUTTON so they wouldn't get confused. Obviously this was before we found out that it's sold 43 MILLION CARDS (at about 50p a throw) in its first year alone. To little girls.

Love, Berry and OBEY

We've observed some of these "Little Girls" in their natural environment, and they're not even talking about the ones with small tits. They mean real little girls. The kind whose hands aren't even big enough to hold a Game Boy up yet.

Some might say that the time was right for a triumphant return to the hardware market.
We asked. We asked MANY TIMES about if this is a joke or not. It's not a joke. It was "a massive poster that went in US arcades to 'promote' the game" according to the Virtual On expert we asked. Get a load of it:

Virtual On: Humanoid Invasion

Photoshop was still in its developmental infancy.

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This is LEGEND! Not only is it the INCREDIBLY RARE Sega Toys Sega Folding Bicycle, but it's an ULTRA-RARE RARE AMAZINGLY RARE-RARE model that comes in Japanese Dreamcast orange.

We're not exaggerating to look cool on the internet -- we would spend whatever amount of money it takes to get one of these. Even, say, one thousand pounds. Money would be no object in securing a Dreamcast Orange Folding SEGA Bicycle to put in a cupboard and never risk riding.


Dreamcast Orange Folding SEGA Bicycle!

Imagine bicycling to work on Dreamcast Orange Folding SEGA Bicycle. You'd look AMAZINGLY COOL for the first few minutes before you get beaten up by laughing schoolchildren.


Dreamcast Orange Folding SEGA Bicycle!

If Doctor Who had a mode of transport in his new series, it would be a Dreamcast Orange Folding SEGA Bicycle.


Dreamcast Orange Folding SEGA Bicycle!

This is in the UK at the moment, apparently in the hands (and occasionally beneath the buttocks of) a Japanese SEGA producer. We might invite ourselves down to SEGA's office to worship at its BEAUTIFUL TINY LITTLE WHEELS.


TOMORROW:
The worst thing SEGA has ever done. Ever. Even including 32X.
...at least that's what it looks like. Lots of the Final Fantasy logos have an artsy silhouette behind them; a meteor, a crystal, a Magitek suit, and so forth. What the fuck is this meant to be? Have Square started paying Amano six figure sums to ACTUALLY hurl paint at a piece of paper?



It's actually funnier when you see it in the shop on a full-sized poster where it's a couple of inches wide rather than a centimeter. Then it looks like every single person passing it has moaned "OH GOD NOT ANOTHER ONE" and beat their head against it till the blood ran to the floor.
Having things validated is always nice. Like when we found out that other people still loved SEGA and it made us feel less like outcasts. So discovering Girls of Counter-Strike is pretty amazing and life-affirming.

Counter-Strike Ho' #1

Even though they sound like screechy American teens, it would appear that the majority of Counter-Strike players are young sexy women, dressed in see-through negligees and pink panties with "INSERT COIN HERE" written on.


Counter-Strike Skank #1

"GirlsofCS is an online gaming community and nude pinup gallery. We are out to empower female gamers by eliminating the negative online stereotypes towards them." We're almost speechless in admiration for whoever wrote this. We would like to shake the hand of the woman who wrote this, because it CLEARLY IS a woman who did, and not a man; a young, scantily-dressed woman. Making an O shape with her mouth and doing stuff with her tongue whilst fingering the scroll-wheel on the mouse and PWNING n00bs.


MySpace shame

MySpace continues to astound us and justify our stalking hobby: LOOK! There's an entire community of HAWT 18 YEAR-OLD CS PLAYING HONEYS. All of them could potentially be our she-bitches.


We may laugh, but we've 'added' them all

She IS REAL. The world will know this when we bring her to our house, where we will care for and endlessly photograph her. We will even be gentle and sensitive to her as she sobs in the shower while trying to scrub off the SHAME with bleach.


MORE PHOTOS OF TEENAGE AMERICAN 'BABES' WHO LOVE COUNTER-STRIKE:

What if their dads found this?

DIRTY.


This is as close to talking to girls as we get these days

DIRTY.


MySpace is shameful

DIRTY.


Shamefully compelling

DIRTY.


She's probably really 14 :(

DIRTY. Ultimate MySpace stalker resource update provided by guest updater The Cap'n.

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Or a snake, as they're also known. Plus a few bonus ones of Lara Croft Model Karima Adebedidebidet from sexy angles as a sort of Easter gift. Just like the egg, the sperm also symbolises rebirth. So release some. Release some sperm for Jesus (but not while thinking of Jesus, as that's (a) gay and (b) against the law).


Lara Croft model Karima... Adebibidebet


Lara Croft model Karima... Debadebedebe


Lara Croft model Karima... Bedadabede


Lara Croft model Karima... Adedebedea


Lara Croft model Karima... Debeadebe


Lara Croft model Karima... Abedebedeba


Lara Croft model Karima... Adabedebebe


Lara Croft model Karima... Abebebebebe


Lara Croft model Karima... Ababidet


Lara Croft model Karima... Bebedabe

This one's a bit rude. You can see the bit where her leg turns into her bottom. Respect is due to the photographer for taking the risk of kneeling down to get it.


Lara Croft model Karima... Adebebeda

She's making eye contact with the kneeler. She's probably thinking "Oh god, he can see up my shorts. Some sad loser is going to post this on the internet."


Lara Croft model Karima... Adebibe

That's better.

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Does anyone else get THE MASSIVE HORN while watching a wet Lara Croft emerge from the water in Tomb Raider: Legend? She's got big tits, a big arse, strong arms and looks amazing when water is dribbling all down her hot body. We've actually considered having a wank over a video game, for the first time since Blaze flashed her knickers in Streets of Rage.

This makes us want to write erotic fan fiction:

Lara Croft Bukkake Porn (Google Rank +500)

See? Are you hot, baby? Does this do it for you too, honeykins? If you've recently considered having a wank over Lara Croft despite being nearly 33 years old, please get in touch. We can almost certainly be friends.

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This is embarrassing. Like that whole year we wore women's jeans without realising. The UK Animal Crossing Wild World TV ad is amazingly female-centric, featuring such exclusively female pursuits as:

ANIMAL CROSSING IS FOR GIRLS :(

LOOKING AT THE LOVELY SKY!


ANIMAL CROSSING IS FOR GIRLS :(

SMILING AIMLESSLY!


ANIMAL CROSSING IS FOR GIRLS :(

HAVING FRIENDS!




BEING IN THE KITCHEN! (good, positive role model for young girls)


ANIMAL CROSSING IS FOR GIRLS :(

GETTING REALLY DRUNK AND GETTING OFF WITH YOUR MATES AND OTHER MEN FROM THE INTERNET EVEN THOUGH SHE SAYS SHE'S STILL A VIRGIN! (not pictured)


ANIMAL CROSSING IS FOR GIRLS :(

BEING HAPPY!


ANIMAL CROSSING IS FOR GIRLS :(

And so on. We're off to play Halo for a bit until the urge to phone people "just to catch up" wears off.


ELSEWHERE IN ANIMAL CROSSING:
  • Spong has had an entire AC advertorial makeover that's pretty damn cool (for an internet advert).

  • Neo_Kitty has been working on her fish collection.
  • Then SHIT LIFESTYLE BRAND Joystick Junkies would like to hear from you! You might be able to help them sell their shite t-shirts that feature such genius designs as a logo that says "Activision".

    Joystick Junkies - Now BEYOND a joke

    Which, reading between the lines, means "We'd like to get some photos of pretty girls in the office. We will then invite the prettiest ones to our parties and try to have sex with them after giving them lots of vodka."


    WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS IDEA:
  • It's six months too late
  • There are no girl gamers left
  • It's for "Joystick Junkies"
  • Labels:

    By special guest updater The Cap'n.

    With the onslaught of new SEGA-made hardware and toys running worryingly low - much like the porn-to-non-porn-application ratio on our hard drives - we thought we'd treat everyone to this. The SEGA PUNCHING BAG.

    SEGA Punching Bag - in stylish 'formica'

    It's built for HEAVY DUTY play, this is clearly important because it's written in UPPER CASE LETTERS. Even in the 1960s SEGA knew how to market their hardware. Notice the pseudo-Nazi type on the SEGA logo. World War you say? 25 years ago? Japanese war crimes? What fanciful madness is this?


    Mario's HEAD!!!!

    Nice, but we'd rather use a woman's stomach. It's free, apart from a bit of guilt but that goes away after the first few times.


    'COGS'

    This is also what the inside of a Sega Saturn looks like.


    SEGA GAME OF SKILL

    And here it is, looking in better condition than our poor Saturn, which has remained in confinement since the unfortunate Fighting Vipers incident in November 1996. That and the whole PlayStation bribing everyone in the world thing.


    WE STOLE THE PICTURES FROM HERE:
    http://marvin3m.com/arcade/segabox.htm

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    Like everyone else, we sort of assumed it was going to be a bit shit after playing the first level for five minutes so ignored it.

    BUT!

    NiGHTS Riders!

    It's got NiGHTS in it!


    CREAM Riders!

    It's got CReAM in it!


    ULALA Riders!

    It's got ULaLA in it! Apparently because the game was developed by the part of Sonic Team that used to be United Game Artists (the Space Channel 5 heroes) before they were merged into Sonic Team's division.


    MONKEY BALL Riders!

    It's the Sega A-Team! We'd have sex with all three of them and their monkey. Screenshots tomorrow*.


    OFFICIAL CHARACTER BIOS HERE, AS IF YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT THEM:
    SONIC RIDERS

    *Or in six months, if there isn't a cheat to unlock everything.
    We were planning a fantastic April Fool update where we were going claim that we got a mate at university to put a Gizmondo in a particle accelerator and smash it with so much force that it actually tore the fabric of reality. If we'd done it it would have been fantastic. On the one hand nobody would suspect that we made up something so stupid about something so worthless. On the other hand it would have satirised the miserable efforts at hit-grabbing of other sites to a bloody pulp, to the extent that we'd never have had to put up with another "LOL WE BOUGHT A 360 AND SMASHED IT UP ON CAMERA PLZ CLICK OUR BANNERS" shitfest ever again.

    Straight away we hit problems, though. For a start we picked on a Japanese University because almost nobody would be able to check the validity of the story. However, we quickly found out that we don't speak enough science to know which of our pictures of "KEK" is the genuine article.


    We reckon it's this thing, but we have nothing to base that on but the fact that it looks like the one that you shoot Nemesis with at the end of Resident Evil 3.

    Even worse was the fact that we'd need a picture of a Japanese person holding a Gizmondo. People holding Gizmondos, let alone PHOTOS of them are almost non-existent (unless they're MiniMe or have huge tits). A Japanese person holding one? The plausibility event horizon has been breached.

    That's when we found it. Way back from the mists of May 2005, a story stranger than fiction and a million times more soul-crushing than any tedious internet April Fool photoshop. The story of a Japanese man who was not only holding a Gizmondo... but who loved it so much that he went to THAT SHOP to buy one.



    And took photos. And posted about it on his website. Where he KEEPS EMPHASISING THINGS A BIT LIKE WE DO. We're starting to draw unpleasant parallels.

    From what we can tell, he was amazed that not even world famous store Hamleys have the Gizmondo. Only Gizmondo store on same road as Apple store! DO THEY GENUINELY INTEND TO SELL IN THIS MANNER?



    Then he takes photos of it next to his other consoles. He says "People say that it looks like the Game Gear but it does not, AND ANYWAY WE LIKE THE GAME GEAR!" Oh God. This could have been us. This is like that episode of Friends where the mad old man downstairs dies and they find out he was exactly the same as Chandler. Oh Jesus.



    Here's a picture of him playing with it on a red London bus, with the Queen and a smiling bobby drinking tea in the background! He walked around London with it all day dangling from his mobile phone strap, and nobody tried to steal it. Awwwwwww. We bet he went back to Japan and told everyone how safe England was.

    ASCII 24 - there but for the grace of God (and 250 pounds) go we
    Where to begin?

    Distributed with issue 2 of UK games mag Mean Machines, it's the Sega Mastermix 90! Two kids, competition winners, who were allowed into a recording studio to record their rap record about Sega. A dream come true!

    DOWNLOAD: MC's Nick and Steve - Do Me A Favour (Master Mix '90) [3.6MB MP3]

    SAMPLE LYRICS:
  • "Master System costs from eighty pounds, 128 colours, three channel sound"

  • "Check out your local dealer, not for drugs, but for Sega"

  • "Yeah, we got the Sega Master System in the house, yeah boyee"

  • "3D glasses will blow your mind, Better peripherals you cannot find"



  • You cannot get better than this. How we'd like to travel back to the early 1990s, when enthusiasm was respected and encouraged rather than frowned upon.


    STOLEN FROM HERE, WHERE THEY ALSO HAVE THE COMPLETE LYRICS:
    Mean Machines Archive.

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