He either stood too far away, behind them, too far away and behind them, or pointed the camera mainly at the floor. This is a classic case of a boy attempting a man's job.




This isn't really "taking a photo of a booth babe" - it's stalking a woman going about her everyday business in the street. Look, that's her suitcase, not an NVIDIA promotional carrier bag.




They're far away, and the thing they were doing has finished.




What if she turned around? It's one thing going up to a woman and asking if you can take her photo - that's quite normal at a trade show. But taking one from behind and quite far away just makes you look extremely odd.




This one sort of delivers, but we'd need to see the front of it before coming to any firm conclusion.




Classic shy man photo. Don't want to lift the camera up too much, or someone might think you're actually taking a photograph.




Far away, from behind. 2/10.




Not only is this far away and from behind, the angle of the shot suggests he's even up on a different level looking over the edge! This isn't much better quality than you'd get from just zooming in on the show's location on Google Maps.




Really far away. And with a man in the way for added safety.




They're not even on duty! The biggest trade show faux pas you can make is attempting to interact with the booth staff while they're on a break. They're allowed a break because of laws, and would rather spend it smoking and slagging people like us off, not talking to us and trying to stop us taking photos up their dresses.




Finally - a great shot. That man has stopped in his tracks just to stare at the front of a woman. He may even have his cock in his left hand, such is his unashamed ogling.

But then we're not in much of a position to throw accusations of illegality around, what with the vast back-catalogue of libel we're technically considered to be the owners/publishers of.




FROM FOREIGNLAND: "Hello UK:R! Here are some pictures of a local shop here in Brunei Darussalam that has Sonic on their store sign! Hope you like them! Justin."




They've used the Sonic 3 artwork. This means any task you ask Sonicom Enterprises to do will take ages, cost too much, and they'll have to come back in a year to finish it properly.




Sonicom Enterprises is basically one man with a screwdriver, a PC and a printer. A bit like SEGA Europe was in 2001.

Like a polar bear that just lies there wanking onto its tummy all day in a zoo. As well as the REALLY BAD IDEA of bringing back N-Gage, Nokia's also decided to innovate in the online gaming world. By doing Xbox Live. By literally stealing Xbox Live off Microsoft and doing it on a phone.




The use of the term 'N-Gage Points' shows they couldn't be bothered in the slightest. We feel like congratulating them on being so blatantly tired of it all. They know it's still not going to work, so what's the point?

So hard to tell these days what with all the 'marketing'. It's Sony's PS3 stand at Disappointment Fest 2007, aka the Leipzig Games Convention, where a few miserable Englishmen got sent to the German equivalent of Croydon to play some rubbish games. The PS3 area's theme was, appropriately enough, "toilet".




KEYWORDS: Japanese, toilet, photo, woman, girl, feet, German, piss.

How could he do this? HOW COULD HE? Sonic even manages a smile as he stabs us all in the back. The little SHIT. He's laughing at us, laughing at our happy memories, laughing at the fat pay cheque written out in the blood of his loyal followers and thinking of all the orange rabbit prostitutes he can now afford.

At least Mario has a spazzy lobster claw for a hand. Sonic is still best in one way.




MAN IN GERMANY SAYS: "While visiting Leipzig recently, I saw Mario and Sonic TOGETHER. They were CROSS PROMOTING that awful Mario and Sonic Olympics game. It made me sad to watch the screen and see them racing against each other. Even worse was that they'd made the game totally unrealistic by allowing Sonic to actually lose. At one point Sonic was being beaten in the 100m sprint by FAT FUCK Mario and a stupid giant lizard thing! Sorry about the poor light quality on the picture, I was too upset to operate the flash. Mike."

All you need to know is that this was submitted by a man who attended a traction engine rally. You might need to look at it for a while before working out what's SEGA about it at all (HINT: It's not that it's a fat man sitting on his own with no friends trying to lure children into his clutches).




TRACTION ENGINE MAN SAID: "I was at the Pickering traction engine rally and old time steam fair earlier this month when I spotted this fat man and thought of you guys. He was selling balloons and one of them was of SONIC THE HEDGEHOG! That's about it really, the guy looked a bit like Dr Robotnik in that he was fat and wearing sunglasses. Now't like him really, but a crappy Photoshop just might make this worthy of a UKR update."




"What is Robotnik up to now? He seems to be kidnapping children's cartoon characters and turning them into helium balloons, no doubt using his helium-balloon-o-matic! Exciting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree. Anthony."

It has some sort of use after all.




EYEWITNESS REPORT: "When visiting upon my local gaming store, one named Chips situated on Nicolson Street of Scotland's fine capital, I chanced upon this sight. I apologise for the photos not being of particular quality, but I was in a rush. However I am sure you will agree that what these show is a true delight: PS3 games, used as a doorstop. Exactly as nature intended. Yours in Christ, S. Robert Blythe"




This had better not be a fake, orchestrated by the staff of Chips, Nicolson Street, in Edinburgh or Glasgow or Manchester or whatever the capital of Scotland is, to get free publicity.

Just in case you need to find it in a hurry later today, here's a link to the quote where Sony Europe's top man Phil Harrison said rumble was a "last generation" feature.

Here's our favourite photo of Phil, along with the no-rumble quote in full:




"We have no plans to do so in the standard controller that ships with PlayStation 3. I believe that the Sixaxis controller offers game designers and developers far more opportunity for future innovation than rumble ever did. Now, rumble I think was the last generation feature; it's not the next-generation feature. I think motion sensitivity is. And we don't see the need to do that." - Phil Harrison, Sony, February 2007.




Here's a photo of Phil holding the current controller, like it's the best thing ever. Here's his official biog. This should be all you need for later tonight, when and if Sony pulls a massive and shameful turnaround and announces a rumbling PS3 controller at Leipzig.




Here's one you can use to be getting on with.

Something good has come out the Sonic/Mario game. Hopefully she has an alternate kit made up of those really tight pants women athletes wear, the ones that make the Olympics a once-every-four-years masturbatory marathon.




Foul is what she wants doing to her. Photoshop jobs in the comments bit, please, preferably with no less than three penises.

Our global network of camera-equipped Sonic spies strikes again, with another sensationally pointless set of photographs of something utterly uninteresting! One day, all this power will be put to good use. In the mean time, here's a picture of Sonic on the box of something rubbish:




PHONE WITNESS REPORT: "I was walking down one of the main shopping centres here in Spain when this promotion caught my eye. Yes, it’s 2007, and yes, someone is using Sonic (the cool one, may I state) to sell mobile phones."




This is very disappointing. We thought Sonic would have a really cool mobile, like a Blackberry Curve or some sort of Windows Mobile 5 hybrid organiser that also does GPS. This is not a cool phone with attitude. Fortunately for Sonic, it's not possible for him to go any further down in our estimation thanks to the recent Xbox 360/PS3 game that reduced our estimation of him to ZERO.

Day three. We didn't specify how many other days would be between the relevant days. You need the patience of Terry Waite to get through this. Estimated time of next Sonic desktop upload: May 2009. Unlike most of our 'content' these days, though, at least this is worth it.

SONIC DESKTOP #3: I'M COMING TO GET YA!




Click on it for the full-size original. You'll have to do your own resizing and cropping and whatever, as even opening up Photoshop is a bit of a chore for us these days.

PREVIOUSLY, ON GREATEST SONIC DESKTOPS:

"SAFE LANDING FROM ROBO CHAOS ZONE!"

"UNDERWATER CRISIS!"

Labels: DESKTOP IMAGES (IRONIC/NON-IRONIC)

The idea is to use motion controllers to control a range of sport and puzzle games. This sort of innovative idea could really take off. Here are some photos of buffoons illustrating devices.



This man is bowling. He goes bowling to meet hot chicks, who can't control themselves when they see his monkey-like grin and over-engineered trainers.




This is a woman doing some tennis. She seems to be having fun, despite holding an awful-looking bit of plastic. They could've got some sexy whites for her to wear... *remembers Emily Booth in that episode of Bits*




Golfing. This is why women shouldn't be allowed in male sporting institutions - those shoes would cause substantial damage to the greens.




Pooling twat.




This is the device that controls puzzle games. More importantly, you can see her bra.




And this is what every man looks like when trying to make a small plastic steering wheel look exciting. It simply cannot be done. Nice balancing work, mind.

From back in the days when we used to root for the over-priced, clunky, ugly black games machine with no games, instead of trying to destroy it with words.

They're all American, too, so if you've ever wondered how Bug Too! was advertised to Americans, now you know.






















This may well have been a bit of a rubbish update, but it served one very important purpose - it made us remember to upload another AMAZING SONIC DESKTOP IMAGE. Which we'll do soon. Probably on Monday, unless someone emails in something better.

Labels: HISTORY

Just imagine that. The pain. The anger. The suffering. The accidentally pressing Cancel and quitting the whole application. It'll either be so dumbed down you just press 6 to do a dragon punch, or it'll be left as it is and literally, actually, impossible to do anything more advanced than press start.




8,9,6, Dial!




It'll be like Street Fighter II on Xbox Live Arcade. Amazing in concept, then you get it and realise it's too hard and you haven't really got the time or inclination for this kind of thing any more.




You'd have more luck completing Mavis Beacon on a mobile.

It's just a blue car with a Sonic sticker on it, then a yellow car with a Tails sticker on it. They really should've done a bit more with the license than this. Disappointing. 2/10.




THINLY-VEILED ADVERTISEMENT: "I got this Sonic the Hedgehog racing set years ago at a thrift market. It's not really anything special as it's just a regular race track, but with Sonic and Tails' face pasted onto the cars (and the box). Either way, it DOES have Sonic's name on it, and I assume anything that cashed in on his character from when his games actually were fun might be worth showing, so there you go. BTW I'm selling it if anyone wants it..."

This is SEGA Rally. The new one. The one that's out in a month and a bit. Featuring the bluest of blue skies possible. So blue, in fact, you have to download an extra pack of colours from Xbox Live just to get all these beautiful shades.




That's a high level cirrostratus, mainly composed of ice crystals.




A cirrocumulus at around 20,000 feet. These are usually found at sunset.




A very thin layer of altostratus. A mid-level cloud that forms between 7,000 and 20,000 feet.



Can't see. Looks like a Photoshop 35mm Prime lens flare though




Cirrostratus again. No chance of rain today!




Looks like there's a stratocumulus formation of mid-height rain-bearing clouds over the mountains.




Bloody cirrocumulus again. We'd like to see dark and moody altocumulus for the sake of variety.



Moving. A single lens flare effect is worth 1000 hours of CG footage.

Tensions have been simmering for a while, but this "review" of Heavenly Sword takes all of the biscuits, eats the biscuits, then spits them out in the face of all that is holy.




This is the oddest thing to have happened in the very odd history of Sony's Euro PR blog. It is Sony, reviewing one of its games. And as you might expect in a review on a blog funded by Sony, the game funded by Sony does really quite well.




Just to reiterate, that says "Heavenly Sword is amazing to behold, seriously addictive, pleasingly original, in that it manages not to feel like any other game you’ve played..."




Now we're not saying Heavenly Sword isn't the best thing in the world, ever, it could very well be, but having Sony-paid writers reviewing Sony games for a Sony web site is creating quite a large mockery of the games industry.




OFFICIAL NEW ENEMY. Although, being professional, it's unlikely angry Three Speech staff will pile in here and call us cunts in the comments bit, so this may well be a bit of a one-sided confrontation.

It's hard to know where to start with a name like Xochilt Balzola-Widmann. Perhaps we should all just comment on the physical appearance of new Vivendi Euro sales boss while working on something suitable?




And would've, maybe even as recently as five years ago.

A reader sent this is. It's a series of photos of Emily Booth presenting something on the XLEAGUE.TV couch, with an empty space next to her. This is so you can edit in a photo of yourself and be all like "Yeah, I was chatting to that whatsername off Channel 5 last night."




A FREE UPDATE, BASICALLY: "Here are some edited pics of Emily booth on the X-League TV set with an empty couch next to her. This gives you the opportunity to put yourself in an interview with her and talk about things that are nice like Sega and that.




"The first image shows Emily looking slightly worried and nervous like she might not want to be there while the second shows her clearly enjoying herself and finding the whole situation to be great fun."




"I've also included an 'example' pic of everyone's favourite interviewee. Enjoy! Joe."

This is a touching story about Richard Jacques. It involves an act of kindness performed by Richard, and also tells us what Richard's house smells like. Soon we will have enough Richard information to appoint ourselves his unofficial biographer, or at least blackmail him into making us a theme song.

The story begins...

A MAN WHO SAW RICHARD
"I was lucky enough to go to Video Games Live 2006, where a certain musical genius we all know and love honored us with his presence. If the music wasn't enough, there was a meet and greet right after and anyone willing to wait for a few hours in line could meet Mr Jacques and his team of supermusicians. Obviously this was the oppurtunity of a lifetime, so I waited. Before I knew it, Richard Jacques was sitting in front of me..."




"I wanted to steal his fantastic shirt but there was a large bodyguard 2ft to my right, so I set my sights on his VIP badge which I was sure I could nick more discreetly. I didn't need to, however; I thought it'd be best to at least ask first, which worked out surprisingly well. He needed it at that point, but he actually went to the effort of sending it to me in the post later, meaning I now possess what may be the best VIP badge ever. AND he has my address. D Friston."

THE FOLLOW UP COMMUNICATION
We then asked Mr Friston if Richard's VIP pass had Richard's name on it, as that would make a better update than this one. It didn't. However, Mr Friston did reveal that the pass "smelled like Richard's house for a few days" which, apparently, smells like "a new Marks and Spencer jumper". See you in the Marks and Spencer jumper section.

The best thing about being too scared to go outside as everyone's laughing at you is that it lets you spend longer than ever putting "Sonic" into the internet and seeing what comes up. We are even able to click through to pages 541 - 550 of about 60,500,000.

This came up somewhere around that point.




Don't worry. This doesn't count as today's proper update. Today's proper update will be along tomorrow.

A man was in Japan. He found two Sonic The Hedgehog games, one of which also doubles as a popcorn machine. He goes on about them in quite a long-winded fashion, but it's OK as there are pretty photos of Sonic to look at as well.

THE INTRODUCTION:
"Hi, I found two old Sonic arcade games last month when I was in Osaka, so I took some photos and video to upload for the sake of making myself feel like I did something worthwhile on the internet, once. Judging by the way things have been going recently, if I send this information to you in an overly-detailed email, Kotaku will make a post about it next week."




"Neither machine was really much of a game, but they had screens and you could control Sonic, so for lack of a better phrase, I'll call them 'Sonic arcade games'. The first 'game' I came across was in Tennoji Zoo, and was called the 'Segasonic Popcorn Shop'."




"It's really just a clever blend of an arcade game and a vending machine. You're really paying for hot popcorn rather than the game, but I was much more interested in the strange Sonic game than my dry, disappointing snack."




"If I remember correctly (it was a month ago, so surely I can be forgiven for forgetting minor details), you play as Sonic, trying to deliver popcorn to the customer. Robotnik, however, is a dick, and tried to stop Sonic by placing him on a treadmill. You have to make Sonic run faster than the treadmill, so he can jump off the end and deliver the popcorn. You have to make Sonic run by turning the wheel on the front of the machine as fast as you can.




"The machine I was playing was outside, and the wheel had rusted to fuck, so it made an incredible high-pitched screeching noise as I turned it faster. This only attracted the attention of surrounding Zoo visitors, and made me feel quite uncomfortable in the children's area of the park."




"The machine lets you choose from Salt, Butter and Curry flavour popcorn. It was quite a hot day, so I thought butter would likely be the safest option. I don't know how correct I was, but the butter popcorn tasted like shit, and made my hands really greasy, so I wouldn't recommend it."




"The machine also advertised a wonderful Sonic and Tails popcorn tub, so I was really sick when I received my crappy popcorn in an Anpanman tub."




"A few days later, I went to Abenobashi and visited a large shopping center, which I think was called the "Abenobashi Store" (if anyone's desperate to find these machines, it was opposite Abenobashi Station). The roof had an outdoor arcade, where I found "Waku Waku Sonic Patrol Car". This comes in the form of police car, which reminded me of the 20p Postman Pat rides that you used to find in Tesco. Luckily, the machine is big enough for two fully-grown foreigners.

"After the slight embarrassment of playing the popcorn machine in Tennoji Zoo, I made my friend play this one, as I recorded the screen. Since I recorded gameplay this time, I won't bother detailing the rather basic top-down driving game. The whole machine starts swaying in time to the Green Hill Zone music that plays once you start driving.

"To carry on detailing disappointments with the machines, the steering wheel didn't work this time, so the game couldn't be played properly. We didn't really want to look like paedophiles much longer though, so the fact that the game was broken gave us just the incentive we needed to leave."




"If you're considering whether it's worth travelling to Osaka to play these as-good-as-unreleased Sonic games, I can tell you this - it's no, and to be quite honest, you're a bit of a sad prick for thinking about it."

Turning up at someone's wedding wearing a Sonic The Hedgehog tie. Nothing says "I couldn't be bothered, don't really like either of you and am only here for the free beer" more than wearing a cartoon tie to someone's special day.

It's also not going to impress the bridesmaids much.




ONE OF THE WIFE'S WEIRD UNI FRIENDS: "So this guy turned up at my wedding two weeks ago (the wife's side of the family, thank you). I thought I'd get someone to get a picture for you to laugh at. Enjoy. Hugs and Kisses, MorgMcMoonsault."

THAT OTHER SONIC TIE UPDATE WE DID:
Is here, just in case this seems a bit familiar. Yes, we are THAT out of material and ideas.

Not only is this the new world's most boring SEGA photograph, it's also in the running for the world's all-format most boring photograph ever taken of anything at all.




It is a French menu, where the phrase "Sega swing" appears. Looks like some sort of fancy pudding.

Brave moustache-wearing Dmitry is project leader/lead programmer for Excalibur, developer of PC game Requital. We haven't heard of either of them, but young buck Dmitry is certainly making waves on the developer facial hair scene with this fantastic attempt.




Not quite as tidy as Patrice's amazing beard but it's clearly a work in progress, and it would be wrong of us to judge Dmitry's growth at this early preview stage.

This update is a warning that a very disgraceful YouTube video is doing the rounds. If you see a video like the one below, do not watch it. It is little more than sick, perverted, sexist nonsense.

We have emailed Sony for clarification regarding if she is or isn't wearing any pants.




This is precisely what we've been fighting against for the last decade (fighting against camera angles that won't go low/close enough to get a proper look).

GamesIndustry's Ellie Gibson recently interviewed legendary ex-SEGA musician Richard Jacques, so we thought it'd be good to speak to Ellie about her experience with Richard. What was he like? How did the conversation flow? Did he smell of Lynx shower gel and was he recently shaved? These questions - and more! - answered below.

When and where did you meet Richard Jacques?

My interview with Richard Jacques was actually over the phone. But I did meet him last week at the Develop conference, when I stood outside the Metropole having a cigarette instead of attending the session on Practical Multi-Threading for Game Performance.

How long did you spend with Richard Jacques?

On the phone, about 15 minutes. In person, about 12 minutes. Richard Jacques stayed talking to me even after I had finished my cigarette, so I expect he fancies me.

Did the time fly or drag?

It flew. I probably only spent 12 minutes standing with Richard Jacques outside the Metropole, but it felt more like just under half an hour.




Was the conversation free flowing and fun, or did it occasionally feel awkward and forced?

It was free flowing and fun, just like most of the music of Richard Jacques.

How do you have a conversation with someone? Whenever we try it ends after about three goes, with us sitting there in silence just thinking "THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY, THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY".

Try taking up smoking. Then you will always have something to say i.e. about how you were going to give up when the ban came in but you haven't got round to it yet but you will and it is a good thing for the staff in the bars and you do get to socialise outside more ha ha but it would be better if the weather wasn't so changeable. This always works well as long as no one mentions cancer.

Did you ask any questions he refused to answer?

No.




What was he wearing?

On the phone, I don't know; while we spoke I imagined him in a purple velvet jacket with a ruffled shirt and Mozart hair. In person, he was wearing jeans and a shirt that said RICHARD JACQUES on it, and was bald.

Did he appear to be in good physical shape underneath?

Richard Jacques is a fine figure of a man.

What does his skin look like up-close? Were there any blemishes or marks?

I do not remember much about his skin, sorry.

Was he recently shaved?

Yes, although I could only see his face.

Did he smell of Lynx shower gel? He looks like he'd smell of Lynx shower gel.

I have avoided men who use Lynx shower gel since 1998 so I have almost forgotten what it smells like, but I don't think so.




Did he mention SEGA at all, or has he 'moved on'?

Richard Jacques did not mention SEGA. Sorry.

Did you ascertain his marital status?

No. There was no "Mrs Jacques" in the immediate vicinity though.

Where was he going after, and what was he doing later?

He was going back to the audio track at the Develop conference. Later on he was probably going to compose some music or something I expect.

Will you be keeping in touch?

Probably not after this.

Thanks Ellie! Thanks for the marginal insight into the life and workings of celebrity musician Richard Jacques. If you've had a cigarette near someone a bit famous, please email in and tell us all about it.