UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
SEGA Toys does it again, with the Love Trainer. A perfectly targeted product for those (a) unfamiliar with how to do sex and (b) into SEGA products.

It's like we were all involved in the planning stages.

It tells you how to do sex, but doesn't come with a woman to practise on/with. Thanks to the 13 separate people who sent this in.
An apparently Serbian web site says Virtua Tennis 2009 is a product that'll be coming out soon. There's no other mention of it on the entire internet, though, so it might just be a Serbian joke.

Here's a photograph of Ana Ivanovic, who the hopefully reliable Serbian gaming webmasters say is going to be in it.

If it's real, it's the first game of 2009 we're excited about. And will be one of about three we'll play.
Overall sales DOWN! Profit DOWN! Hardware sales DOWN! Software sales DOWN! Everything DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!

Apart from the price, which it can't lower because if it did it'd have to sack a few thousand more office cleaners to help pay for it.

'Luxembourg remained flat'

Full facts on Sony's DISASTER here, summary taken from emerging markets gaming blog VG247. Here's a link to a serious report in case you need one. And another one. We can't stop reading different angles!

Oh, and Kotaku's got a graph. You can never have enough sources when the news is this good.
A reader who was presumably pissed and trying to buy a year's supply of poppers off the internet, found this.

Knuckles butt plugs £9.99

"I have no fucking idea what 'chain' of internet browsing lead me to this, but, when I came across it I thought of UK:R. It might do as an update if you guys have nothing exciting to post. Regards" - ANON.
Here's a great measure of how lost and confused Sony and its collaborating "retail partners" are regarding PS3 - a novel way of charging *more* for everyone's least-favourite toss-box by making it gold. Yes, that's it. People aren't buying PS3 because it doesn't come in gold.

See the incredible 329 euro ($12,979, US readers) BEAN BAG. Also see how Finland is just getting into the whole "bling" thing eight years after the rest of the world.

Decent catalogue of software - priceless

"Days after announcing record losses and in the middle of a global economic meltdown, Sony offer this fine example of just how out of touch they are - see attached - a scan of a special offer currently running at a local electronics chain. I don't speak much Finnish so I can't tell you what all the text says, but hey, the story pretty much writes itself. Or more accurately, you'll write the story. By the way, I can tell you that the PS3 isn't really gold. It's just stickers on top of a normal black PS3" - James.
It's time to give up. Learn a trade. Become a plumber or a bricklayer. Or a boat maker. People will always need boats. There's no dignity left in getting excited about mascot-branded products for the benefit of the internet.

Ideal for self-suffocation

"I thought you might like to know that Sonic isn't losing any sleep over he's impending relegation as your mascot, as he is now whoring himself on HMV bags. I've attached a couple low-quality pictures taken on my phone (it's a Sony phone, so what do you expect?) for you to weep/masturbate over."

Ideal for storing urine/vomit

"Very long time reader, so glad I can finally contribute to your excellent site. I generally got excited when this came up, and I'm not even single. Thanks for your time" - Dan.
Sony's sent out some new images of Home, the cumbersome 3D PC avatar system from 1998 it mistakenly thinks people will give a toss about. It is grim.

As depressing as a motorway service station at 4.25am when the arcade is closed and the restaurant has sold out of chips. And a cup of tea is £3.99 and it's 20p to use the toilet.

Imagine a new-build city centre flat. You bought it in May of 2007 for £249,000 with a 100% mortgage. It's currently worth £169,000. The laminate is already starting to come up. The taps are broken. The ground rent is an additional £1500 a year no one mentioned at the time. That's PlayStation Home.

Abandoned film set. Three stuntmen died in an accident and shooting was cancelled.

Decaying future world after the 'Great War'.


A seven-hour trek around Homebase with the wife to look at - BUT NOT BUY - new kinds of taps.

As empty and bleak as the hearts of the few PS3 owners that will pretend to be excited by this. THE HORROR. THE HORROR.
No, not a bottle of vodka infused with the chalky and bitter after-taste of 48 crushed-up sleeping pills and 24 crushed-up Nurofens - Mana Health Potion.

A drink in a bottle that looks like something from a game.

'And a teaspoon of bleach to quicken the shutdown of the liver'

And 24 crushed up aspirins, just to make sure it doesn't hurt.

New Health Energy Potion Energy Shot Enhances Gaming Sessions, Aids in Recovery

Harcos' Sequel to Mana Energy Potion Boosts Mortals' Hit Points with Natural Herbs and Vitamins, Adds Fuel to Their Gaming Fire

SANTA MONICA, Calif. Fighting epic battles and embarking on mystical quests can be exhausting and draining, but Harcos' new Health Energy Potion restores gamers' energy levels so they can storm back onto the battlefield and conquer adversaries once more. From the two gamers behind the best-selling Mana Energy Potion, the long-anticipated follow up, Health Energy Potion, is now available for gamers everywhere in need of 5-8 hours of smooth, powerful energy, packed in a portable 1.69 oz bottle.

Health Energy Potion possesses a mellow apple-cinnamon flavor and packs helpful natural herbs, such as elderberry and ginseng, and the vitamins biotin and folic acid. With no sugar added, mortals won't fear the dreaded after crash associated with many other energy shots. Each magical bottle of Health Energy Potion looks like it's straight out of a video game, and is sure to add +160 to gamers' HP.

"We heard the cries and read the emails from gamers and geeks alike for a sequel to Mana Energy Potion, and Health Energy Potion is the perfect complimentary energy shot," said Aaron Rasmussen, co-founder, Harcos. "Whether you're a hardcore gamer needing more 'umph' for an epic quest or frag fest, or just need a pick-me-up in the middle of the day, Health Energy Potion has the fuel required to fight all your battles 'til the apple-cinnamon flavored end."

Health Energy Potion features:

* 5-8 hours of smooth energy
* Apple-cinnamon flavor
* No sugar, no after crash
* Elderberry, ginseng, biotin and folic acid
* As much caffeine as two cans of Red Bull

Health Energy Potion provides hardcore gamers with the essential energy boost to set out and conquer any thrilling gaming voyage imaginable. With a suggested MSRP of $3.45 per shot, Health Energy Potion is available for immediate order at, and will soon be available at retailers Fry's Electronics, Hot Topic, Micro Center and, among others.

About Elderberries

Elderberry is a dark berry that grows in both the Northern and Southern Hemispheres. Traditionally, the berry has been used in health potions and to provide protection from witches. Cutting down an elderberry tree, on the other hand, is said to release a perturbed spirit named the Elder Mother. An old poem even says, "Elder be the Lady's tree, burn it not or cursed ye'll be." It is also said that the tree could be safely cut while chanting a rhyme to the Elder Mother. When you open a new bottle of Health Energy Potion, it's recommended to chant: "Full my HP bar may be, sorry I cut down your stupid elder tree."

About Harcos, Inc.

Based in Santa Monica, Calif., Harcos was founded by two gamer geeks who discovered a niche at the intersection where gaming and consumer products merge with the launch of their first vitamin/energy beverage, Mana Energy Potion. Each magical bottle of Mana Energy Potion looks like it's straight out of a video game and is filled with a bright blue liquid that adds +160 to mana, packs a powerful dose of vitamins and delivers up to eight hours of smooth energy without sugar or an after crash. The company's follow up, Health Energy Potion, possesses a mellow apple-cinnamon flavor and is jam-packed with natural herbs, such as elderberry and ginseng, and the vitamins biotin and folic acid, while providing the same 5-8 hours of smooth, powerful energy with no sugar or after crash. Additional information is available at
Terms like "alarming collapse" and "battered" used by financially-minded grown-ups to describe Sony's terrible current state. The gaming division has contributed to this with "lower-than-expected" sales.

SEGA is rumoured to be using its Football Manager profits to buy up remnants of gaming division at "fire sale" price.

'...sobbing in cubicle three...'

Gaming division. Axe the gaming division. Please axe the gaming division. Fingers crossed for massive job losses, at least.


It's called Return to Little Planet. It's based on Sonic CD, which should be the masterplan for life, not just video games.

"In my spare time I knocked up a rough idea of a direction they could go in. And you guys are the reason I posted it. Sorry there's no nods to you. It was done before I found you, but I could always re-edit the opening foreword for you! I was hoping you guys most of all could appreciate what I'm thinking here :)" - SuperSonicSamurai.

"Part 2 if your interested! Can't figure out why you can only watch part 2 in decent quality. Oh and sorry about the small resolution, I was new to the editing thing. Doubt anyone's that bothered anyway!"
There, that's it. The worst update in history. This is the capitulation of UKR that will lead to a gradual recovery in post quality and a return to greatness seven years from now.

"I work at a shoe shop and yesterday brought me these shoes on a delivery. Pretty good. They also have Atari and a NES on but that is not important compared to the lefty Dreamcast controller and Game Gear."

"Sorry about the poor images. My camera phone is pretty old and taking pictures of the inside of shoes is not fun. And keep Sonic as the logo. I think you have had triple the amount of Sonic posts since you killed him off" - Paul.
We have received an email from a man who MADE CONTACT with Richard Jacques. He told Richard what to do - and Richard did it. It's a good story we are pleased to publish for your amusement, even though it starts off in a vaguely insulting fashion.

"I've been saving this until I thought UK:R reaches the bottom, the very bottom, the 'touch it it's concrete can't go lower than this' bottom, so now it's time to release it and hopefully bring a ray of Super Sonic (from the good old days) yellow sunshine into the 'community' members lives... if only just for a moment, before we quickly realise life is grey again.

"I was so impressed with MS:R's soundtrack, I used my toned research (stalking) skills to find His Royal Holiness Richard Jacques' home address. I sent him my MS:R manual and case cover slip with a letter asking him if he wouldn't mind autographing them, being the wholesome SEGA kind-of-guy I am I of course included an envelope addressed to me with postage already stamped on."

'Lift your shirt up'

"Knowing that if he had enough spare time from doing whatever musical Gods do on their evenings, I'd have a new family heirloom, and as such I didn't want him to scribble all over the front so I sent him the SPECIFIC instructions to 'please autograph the car bonnet on the cover slip 'To Jonathan, From Richard Jacques' and the bonnet on the manual 'Richard Jacques''. Yes, giving instructions to such a legend did evoke feelings not too distant from those Buffalo Bill must have felt in Silence of the Lambs: 'The Richard will take the oil, and rub it over his body'."

'Hold it open for me'

"It's such a rush knowing that I can touch something that has not only been inside Richard's house, but has also been touched with the same hands used to craft 'Club Paris', 'Holding On', 'Am I only Dreaming' and the greats from Sonic R (ie. all of them)" - Jonathan.

  • Touch it for a bit
  • Hold it tighter
  • Put it in
  • Here's a very sad story about how a man spent Christmas. Being on your own with a selection of hardcore pornography is surely better than spending it with the type of people that insist on watching Friends?

    "This being the festive season and all, I was watching a repeat of one of the 'Friends' Christmas specials on TV yesterday (under duress). Imagine my surprise when I noticed Lisa Kudrow was branded with the Dreamcast logo: an indication of how much better times were for SEGA and for her back in 1999, I'm sure. Apologies about the poor image quality, I wasn't quick enough to take a picture of the TV, so I had to download it from an archive of Friends screen captures. What a way to spend Boxing day, eh?" - Richard.
    The sender of this photograph wishes to remain anonymous, presumably because he's the sort of JOHNNY COME-LATELY bandwagon-jumper that only got into gaming when SEGA released the redesigned and cheaper Mega Drive II.

    "Here's a cup I found. It has those Dreamcast swirlies that you like. Here it is sitting atop and next to several SEGA consoles. I couldn't be arsed to come up with captions though. Enjoy the blurry photographs. Oh and it says happy birthday in case anyone wonders. Cheers. I wish to remain anonymous, sir!" - XXXX XXXXX.

    They were all a bit blurry. EXIF data shows a Sanyo Xacti E7 was used to take them, which also explains the anonymity request.
    ...we can always come together to laugh at people who dress like games characters. Look! We might not be funny or relevant or popular any more, but we're also not scouring fabric warehouses for something stretchy that's about the same colour as Tails.

    "The Tails one is ridiculously scary, like some kind of orange Mumm-Ra. It's not even remotely funny how scary he is. He's so scary, he gets scarier every time I scroll up to check how scary he actually is. I don't know who the purple girl's supposed to be (sorry, but I pretty much stopped playing Sonic after Sonic 3 so I'm not good with the names of the new lot). Oh, and here's Pepsi Man + bulge(s)..."

    "Found on this site while Googling for pictures of Westerners cosplaying for a Facebook rant group I'm doing against twats who get upset over 'crap' Western remakes of 'good' Oriental films" - Bilal.
    You have nothing to put your thumb up about, you worthless little shit. Put your attitude away. Save it for when you start appearing in games that people over five might find enjoyable.

    And look at the ground. Show some shame or remorse, at least.

    'Yo! Everything's A-OK, right, pals?!'

    "My mother incessantly tried to take photos of me with him. Apparently she thinks I'm still 5. I'm not, really. Seeing this publicity made me no more likely to buy he's latest venture, or any future ones he may have. The monster has a sign saying 'Please do not touch.' Like anyone would want to put their hands on that filthy, washed up, good-for-nothing hog. Maybe if this was still the 90s they'd need that sign to keep all the adoring fans off him" - Ekim.
    Grave-robbing THQ licenses "Baby P" for shameful interactive DS abuse simulator. High street retail chain fingered as supplier.

    At least at only £12.99 no one's making much money out of this disgrace.

    PALS. Baby PALS. Not to do with sex or death

    "Dear Daily Mail. I spotted hundreds of copies of this sick game for sale in Zavvi. This disgusting paedo shop should be forced into administration for selling filth like this and the managers made to sign the sex offenders register. You're playing with the angels now, Baby P" - ArseGambler.

    'Odd spiral bruises'

    Nice Andy Warhol print.
    Hot on the heels of (eight weeks after) the amazing Dreamcast-like LUBEFREIGHT sighting comes this - a business operating under the name PSP Incineration Ltd.

    Yes please. Incinerate them one at a time or all at once. As many as you can. Just leave one intact so future generations can enjoy Lumines and Lumines II.

    "PSP Incineration Ltd a.k.a. Sony's Emergency Plan B (inc. dangerous covert photography in the Watford area)‏"

    "Or Plan C, or D or whatever plan they're on now. Whatever plan it is, I've lost count and that's the point.

    "I was outside Watford Junction station last week and noticed an unsavoury man and a van in the parking area. Two unsavoury men, in fact, on their cigarette break. The logo on the side of the van said PSP Incineration Ltd. It could've been a specific department set up to deal with the PSP, or perhaps I'd uncovered some kind of strange PSP rebranding operation..."

    "That guy there was the lookout. The bigger one, who I imagine owns the van and probably does the incinerating with his bare hands, was busy getting into said van. Shortly afterwards the pair sped off, almost like Steve Coogan's Mustang in the Saxondale intro.

    "I was under immense pressure taking these photos (I took five altogether, but this is the clearest) on my phone. I at least set the focus to infinity to speed up the picture-taking and, naturally, disabled the flash just in case, but I was in direct view of not only the two unsavoury types but also a family sitting nearby and the commuters going about their daily business, so I too used the cigarette break as my disguise and lit one up as the littering bastard kept giving me strange looks. Upon seeing that I was a fellow smoker, he seemed to calm down, but I also had a massive, unwieldy black/green Zavvi bag (Laurel and Hardy DVD collection, oh yes) which drew unnecessary attention. To put things in perspective, here's one of the earlier, dodgier 'action' shots..."

    "I decided not to rotate it the right way around just to emphasise the clear and present danger involved. Further reconnaissance revealed a website for the 'company'. If you ask me, it looks positively dubious.

    "What would Sony want with our bank statements and personal information? I smell a rat, and it smells not unlike a certain Kaz Hirai, only with a wholly different name and address. Heck, he could be posing as me! If you are offered a PSP by a Japanese man calling himself Bilal Sheikh, DO NOT BUY IT. Unless it's really cheap and you can flash it, then you can play Streets of Rage 2 on it, like I do with mine.

    "I've been mulling over the idea of possibly buying in case Sony decides to branch out, but I'm thinking of a few other things to spend £2.99 on, like HD-DVDs from HMV" - Bilal.
    A man who clearly spends a lot of time putting "Dreamcast" into eBay while relaxing with a Creme Egg between wanking sessions found this strangely prophetic item.

    Round the back to get hit in the head with a shovel

    "May I present to you for your consideration a canvas Dreamcast bag from the 2000 Games Developers Conference that has quite possibly the most ironic message stated since Phil Harrison fucked off from Sony (in non-chronological terms of course)."

    SAFETY FEATURE: Can't suffocate yourself with canvas

    "Happy New Year!" - THE Larry Bundy Jr.
    This one is a gem, a serious facsimile conversation regarding the changing of the colours of the underpants of the female characters in the Dreamcast version of Soul Calibur.

    It brings back happy memories of spending hours and hours trying to adapt SEGA arcade game cheats to Saturn conversions by guessing the button combinations.

    A+X - pink

    "Here's an update for you. A fax sent to SEGA Europe to inform it of a serious mistake that had been made and would have caused misery to many Dreamcast owners if it was not corrected."

    A+B+X - Crotchless

    "The serious tone of the covering sheet sets up the 2nd page wonderfully."

    A+B+X+Y - Rubber strap-on

    "I have deleted the recipient's name for privacy, but it's a genuine fax" - Chris.
    ...compared to the Gamecube and another console you haven't been able to buy new for two years.

    Well done, Sony. Another gold in the paralympics.


    Let's start the year as we mean to go on - with an abysmal update about a SEGA-related thing found on eBay that was spotted by a man called "Dave."

    It is the Super Sonic Hip Hop Rap Hustlers t-shirt in, predictably enough, XXXL.

    Mo' cute animal friends, mo' problems

    Five updates a week for 52 weeks.... that's another 260 updates like this to look forward to during 2009. UKR - managing to make time pass slower since 1996.
    And it was all over so quickly.
  • December

  • And that was that.
    Several things happened during this month.
  • November

  • Later today - December.
    Nearing the end of 2008 now. It flew by.
  • October

  • Tomorrow - November!
    The autumn months were upon us before we knew it.
  • September

  • Later today - October!