UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
We'd give Lumines on PSP 9/10 compared to "all other games in the world" and 10/10 if we're just talking about puzzle games. But that's only based on about 100 hours of play. We might like it more, but we can't think about opinions because all we see when we close our eyes are rotating squares.

We think we like organizing squares because it means we are in control of the squares. Being in control of and in charge of squares feels great because we're never allowed or trusted to be in control of or in charge of anything in real life. Can any psychology experts confirm this hypothesis?

We've added "organizing squares into squares" to our CV's hobbies section (along with cycling, going to the cinema and a lie about having written an episode of 'Coupling' for the BBC).

IMPROMPTU LUMINES PLAY GUIDE: That all-silver block needs to be dropped on the far-right, creating a block of six mini silver squares that will all disappear. The next block (three orange, one silver) needs to be rotated one step clockwise then dropped one square from the far-right so it makes an orange 4x4 cube on the left and leaves a spare silver square on the right, so the next block (silver/orange diagonal) can be dropped on the far right 'as is' to make an additional silver layer of two that will add on to the six we created in step one and will also then disappear. Then the game will make a "WHOOSH-OOSH!" sound and flash a bit so we feel like we've achieved something. This game really appeals to our near-autistic need to organize things neatly. THIS IS WHAT WE THINK LIKE ALL DAY IN REAL LIFE.

So far in 2005 we've played three* games that are any good. They are PSP Lumines, Xbox MotoGP3 and PSP Virtua Tennis. This means we're going to have to send an email to people at Sony we haven't spoken to for about three years asking if we can have a PSP for free. They're bound to say no. Perhaps we'll say we're asking on behalf of Steve Boxer or Steve Hill.

*We also thought Full Auto was extremely ace, but wouldn't like to admit to that publicly on "the blog" because it's a game with cars that have got guns on that we're supposed to sneer about.
It's easy to feel overwhelmed and hopeless in the face of the constant bombardment one experiences on the internet of gameplay movies featuring Japanese gamers finishing Super Mario in eight seconds with 99 lives left. Hooray, then, to mister Hyde who has just taken the Sega crown back for us white devils by beating Ultimate Dark Falz at level 1.

Oh, we do.


1) He hunts Mil Lillies (one in every 512 lillies) and kills them until one drops Psycho Wand (one in 256 drops).

2) He boosts a level 1 character with all the best spells. Because Psycho Wand takes hit points, this ensures that every spell he casts creates sufficient knockback to kill him, meaning he never gets any experience points.

3) He plays through the entirety of PSO in this way, finally killing Falz on ultimate mode at level 1.

It took him, quite literally, years.

The time may have come to pack up your consoles for good, because unless you plan to complete NiGHTS using your parts of shame to operate the controller* then it's quite possible nobody will ever, ever be this good at Sega games again.

* Nobody connected with UK:R has ever tried this.**

** Maybe Jon.
London, July 29

Following the successful launch of the Joytech Xbox Fire Extinguisher Joytech is pleased to today announce the launch of the JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER 8" LCD SCREEN.

  • Clips
  • Screen
  • Car adaptor kit (optional)
  • Stereo speaker with Spatial Surround (TM)

  • Now you can use your JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER on the move, at a friend's house or even in a car. Email for samples/competition prizes.
    From Dennis Norden's file marked "miscellaneous" we bring you a selection of the emails we've got over the last few weeks.

    "Gazunta" writes:
    I wrote this on my site,, thought it was a bit UK:R-like. So here it is in easy email form. Maybe if you like it you can put a bit of it on your website and then link to mine so I can become a CELEBRITY GAME DESIGNER!!


    1. Come up with a "vision". Take yourself outside with a notepad and think. Think for a long time. Think long, deep, meaningful thoughts. Think about the synergy between the player and the controller. Think about the Pavolvian connections between cause and effect in a dynamic 3D space. Think about what it would really feel like to be a table, or a tree, or a bridge. Write these thoughts down in your notepad. You are special because you have deep and meaningful thoughts and nobody else does.

    2. Think about how many times in a minute you want to press a button. Don't worry about what it is exactly the game is about yet. Instead, draw a controller and devise a complex system of commands the player can issue. MAKE SURE YOU USE EVERY BUTTON. Games that don't use every button are not next-gen titles!

    3. Don't play video games. God no. They might corrupt your pure, untainted, dynamic vision. Instead, read Game Developer magazine and promise yourself that you will never make the design mistakes other people did with their games...whatever they were about.

    4. When designing the main character, don't worry about petty things like a list of abilities they have that can be used in the game. You're better off worrying about what clothes they are wearing, and what the colours on his shirt are saying about the character's mass market appeal. Spend a week having intense discussions with anyone nearby about the character's motivation. Should he want to rescue the princess, or would there be a more interestic dramatic tension if he felt forced to by socio-political pressures?

    5. Enemies should not be given old-fashioned things like "attacks" or "movement patterns". The modern day game designer should think of the enemy's feelings, and draw up a complex list of rules and by-laws that govern its movement. For example: If the Mayor of Metro City bursts into the enemy's train station, the enemy should try and reach a mutually acceptable compromise about the tresspass. Unless the enemy is feeling tired because they stayed up too late the night before, or there is a problem at home. In fact, since many enemies have a troubled home life, they should try and start an open discourse with the Mayor instead of resorting to barbaric acts of violence with the nearby metal pipe. Next Generation Gaming, right here, right now!

    6. When asked to describe the game, use as many big words as you can think of. This will make you sound smart, and show the world that you are the next Will Wright, which is the thought that secretly makes you touch yourself at night.

    "James Hunt" writes:
    Here comes the Infoblast, get ready with your video recorders!

    Pek Ham is also a substandard SPAM substitute from Poland that you can buy from ALDI, LIDL, or any other questionable quality foodstores.

    My chinese friend buys it. You do not want to know what 'in natural juices' means, or how much actual pork is in it.

    "ALEX MARTYNOV" writes:
    Hello ukresistance,

    See attached pic!

    Best regards,

    "Michael Staiger" writes:
    OK, so this is a response to the PSP battery thing which is 7 months old but I'm sure you'll find a use for these pics of a colossal air/water separation column (apparently) on its way to Ellesmere Port bound for Qatar.

    "Omar Cornut" writes:
    Better protect your worm!

    Sega's being our best caring friend, they're making promotional condoms. For us to wank playing Sakura Taisen, with zero-risk of self-contamination.

    The condom package says "Better protect your worm" in french:

    Picture stolen from:

  • A Dreamcast CLOTHES BRUSH!
  • Sonic Heroes SWEETS!!
  • A Dreamcast MIRROR!!!
  • A weird Sonic made out of A CARDBOARD BOX :(
    Wasn't that nice? Thanks everyone. If we ever get round to making promotional mugs you all get 10p off orders of 20 or more, for your efforts. Cheers, ironic newshounds!

    *If you've emailed us something we haven't used here, that's because (a) it was rubbish, or (b) we're saving it so we can take all the credit next week.
    In shop form!

    This is GamesMaster, a games shop located in war-torn Peckham, South London. We thought you might like to see GamesMaster and read a bit about Peckham, especially if you're from America or a posher part of London (that's all the rest of it) and have never been there.

    This is of interest to UK people because back in the early-to-mid-1990s there was a TV show about games on TV called "GamesMaster" that was really good, despite it never featuring enough Sega games in its challenges.

    Peckham is a part of London people pretend doesn't exist. It's like a lump you find on your body, then ignore and hope it goes away on its own. The residents are scared to go outside, but at least they all have satellite TV for something to do!

    Peckham is easily the shittest place in the whole world, including places like Afghanistan and Somalia.

    Every time we walk through Peckham we expect to get offered drugs, murdered for drugs, searched for drugs or ground up into powder and used as drugs.

    There's an arcade in Peckham, but we were too scared to go in it as we had our digital camera with us. Knowing Peckham, we didn't miss much. It probably hasn't even got Daytona USA in!

    If you have shoes that cost more than ten pounds in Peckham you are considered to be a KING.

    This is where people from Peckham buy their clothes. You can get a pair of work trousers for around 50p in Primark, apparently, and you get flu and nits for free!

    This is Peckham's idea of a shopping centre. Walking into it feels like being a homosexual and walking into a bar in Texas with a pink t-shirt on. Even in the North of England, like Watford or Hemel Hempstead they have nicer shopping centres than this.

    Here, in the sphincter of the sphincter of London, there lies a shop called GamesMaster. We didn't ask if it is officially licensed from the Channel 4 show or Future Publishing magazine of the same name, we just assumed it is not.

    The chances of anyone from Channel 4 or GamesMaster production company Hewland or mag publisher Future ever venturing into Peckham are pretty fucking remote, so we guess they're safe from getting sued.

    Apart from now.

    There's not many people buying things in GamesMaster in Peckham. That's because if you buy anything in Peckham you get it stolen off you immediately as you leave. It's like a really harsh tax system designed to keep the poor in their place (Peckham).

    GamesMaster in Peckham isn't on the mailing lists for getting up to date point-of-sale display materials, so they have to make their own out of paper and marker pens.

    But it does have the internet! Recent surveys suggest that up to three percent of people who live in Peckham have got the internet, so this is great for the local community.

    We are leaving Peckham and still have our digital camera! You stupid idiots! Don't you know how much drugs you can swap a Sony DSC-W1 for?!

    After being in Peckham, every day is a bonus. It's like we have realised how joyous life can be when you're not in Peckham and are starting afresh. Look! We took a photo of the sky just to celebrate being alive! Life not in Peckham is great! Oh, and they should bring back GamesMaster on TV.
    The Sega Homestar is a planetarium for the 21st Century Home! You lie on the floor in a dark room and look at the ceiling, which is great because we do that all the time anyway!

    We don't know anything else about it than this, because everything else about it on its web page is in Japanese.

    The web site makes no mention of games for it, but if it did they'd be (a) Golden Axe, (b) Columns and (c) Streets of Rage 1.

    There will be a two-pronged attack on Japanese consumers when Xbox 360 launches, to ensure success in the territory:

    MARKETING PLAN ONE: Bill Gates is to appeal to the Japanese work ethic by highlighting how hard he's been personally toiling on the Xbox 360 programme. The polite Japanese people will hopefully then buy the machine to avoid Bill feeling the shame of business failure.

    If that fails, MARKETING PLAN TWO is to say how the wireless networking adaptor looks a bit like an iPod Shuffle. IT WILL NOT FAIL!
    Fans of urban combat games well catered for in day-one release schedule:

    PlayStation 3 -- it's for *everyone* that likes to buy urban combat video games based in real cities!
    This is something everyone does, and this week -- YES! ONE HAS! Well done to Giovanna Cosentino from Italy, for blagging herself some sort of PR job to replace the previous PR job she blagged.

    This is what she looks like, or more likely, what she looked like at an ABBA concert in 1982:

    NOTE TO SELF: Email DDE re. possible product coverage on low-profile satirical games industry weblog mostly about Sega. Remember to delete the anti-women posts before she sees.
    This just in from our Japanese correspondent in downtown Japanland:

    This is where we've been going wrong. We've been not dressing like Darth Vader enough.
    ...because every time one opens her mouth with more than five people present, the cause of "People taking women seriously" is set back by ten years. Or in the case of the new Harry Potter book, eight hundred and fifty nine years, seven months, four days and eight and a half minutes.

    Bought it, read it on the train yesterday. The first spelling mistake is on page 42, the first grammatical error not long after and our brain was climbing down our throat to give our organs a good kicking by the seven thousanth instance of the word "Said."

    Sorry this isn't about games or masturbation or mobile phones. We felt that special dispensation was required, as even by ROWLING'S standards this one's what she might describe as "A fizzy-gravy firkin with a chuff chowder chaser" (along with anyone else who graduated from the Charles Dickens School Of Things That Sound Hilarious To Four Year Olds).
    This one, right, is about women in games AND students. The only way this could be any more dull is if it was accompanied by a PowerPoint presentation about the percentages of women that currently work in games compared to the percentage of women that are students.

    We made it up to paragraph three's "hosted by Robin McShaffrey of recruitment & business serv..." before giving up.

    How long can YOU read it before wanting to attack random women and students in the street with beer bottles?!
    Conference opens doors for student games developers

    21 July 2005

    Wednesday, 10 August 2005 is a day that will change the lives of the computer games stars of the future.

    Students from across the UK will gather for the third and final day of the internationally-renowned Women in Games 2005 conference, where they will be given unprecedented access to some of the best brains in the business at a Student Forum.

    The Student Forum is made up of five key elements, the first two of which are designed to give delegates a head start into the industry. The event kicks off with a seminar on Presenting Yourself!, hosted by Robin McShaffrey of recruitment & business services company Students will learn how best to package themselves, and a panel of industry veterans will discuss everything from CVs and interview tips to presenting a demo. As part of the process, students can submit their own CVs for discussion.

    The second part of the forum, entitled Winging it into the Games Industry, will give delegates a unique insight into the Dare to be Digital international student games development competition, hosted each year by Abertay University. Project Manager Jackie McKenzie will profile some of the successful prototypes created over the past five years as she tracks the history of the competition. Dare has spawned five start-up companies, and graduates of the project are now employed by games companies including Rockstar, Electronic Arts, Rare, Lionhead, Visual Science, Denki and Genuine Games, among others.

    Inga Paterson, lecturer in computer games at the University of Abertay and organiser of this year's conference, said: "Marketing yourself for any job is a difficult task, and this is no less true in the Entertainment Software industry. Even the most talented developer in the world will go unnoticed, if they don't have the knowledge to present themselves properly. It benefits everyone -- job seekers, games companies, and ultimately the consumer -- if the best talent can be identified and nurtured."

    Inga continued: "A big stumbling block for anyone hoping to enter the industry is a lack of experience -- and trying to gain that experience can be a catch-22 situation for so many students and graduates. I'm delighted that we'll be hearing from Jackie McKenzie of Dare to be Digital; this is a project that allows people to prove themselves on talent and ideas alone, and does not depend on 'who you know'."

    The Student Forum will also feature short presentations from rising stars. Caroline Weller, who graduated this summer from Abertay University's Computer Arts course, will explain the process behind producing her interactive CD for Barnardos; while her classmate Robin Sloan will give a presentation of his game demo. Graduate Beth Sutherland, now Mobile Projects and Business Development Manager at Absolute Quality, will give a presentation on her experience of getting into the new media industry, and discuss her experiences in games, education, creative design and professional practice.

    The fourth part of the Student Forum will see a keynote speech from Aphra Kerr, entitled: Gamework: gameplay -- a chilly place for women? Aphra, a game researcher at the Centre for Media Research at the University of Ulster, will establish what is known about conditions and barriers to women working in the industry, and to women playing games. The speech will relate the situation to the wider process of inclusion and exclusion in the media, ICT industries and society generally, and outline potential strategies to address the situation.

    The Forum will be concluded with the closing session of the conference. A panel of experts, led by Mary Margaret Walker of, will reflect on the issues raised during the event, and explore the future with questions and answers. The session will allow attendees at the Student Forum the chance to hear an overview of the three-day conference, and mingle with delegates from some of the world's top firms.

    Inga Paterson added: "New talent is the lifeblood of the games industry. The Student Forum is an essential part of the Women in Games Conference, because it provides a unique opportunity for young people trying to get into the games and new media industry."

    The 2005 Women in Games Conference runs from 8-10 August 2005, and will highlight the most recent, groundbreaking work in computer game research and development in both academic and industrial worlds. Key areas for discussion will be professional development for women working in and researching into games and the games industry.

    For further information, or details of how to book, visit . A reduced registration fee is available for group bookings, and all student registrations will be entered into a draw for an iPod Shuffle.


    Women who are involved in the games industry need to STOP MOANING ABOUT IT and get on and do some bloody work instead of organising forums, workgroups and conferences. The reason there aren't more women working in the games industry is because they all get SACKED for organising forums, workgroups and conferences when they should be working. At least Aleks Krotowski has got something to do an update about today.

    (If you came here looking for something funny, we recommend you check out this joke we just made about an "iPod Phone" over on our rubbish "tech blog" that no one likes).
    This is a real game, not a Photoshop joke. It is therefore funnier than a Photoshop joke, because lots of serious businessmen are having to pretend this is a really great game that they genuinely like and think is going to "really catch on".

    It's Freddie Flintoff Blast 'Em Cricket and it's out to buy through your Vodafone mobile on Friday, so it's unlikely there's enough time for them to make it (a) any better or (b) spelt right:

    "Congratulation"? This is proof that even the people MAKING mobile phone games don't care about them.

    We suspect this was developed in two weeks by a Taiwanese outsourcing company that usually specialises in creating DVD menu screens.

    Tim Yates, Chief Marketing Officer, Vodafone UK commented, "The Freddie Flintoff Blast 'Em Cricket game is yet another area in which Vodafone, through its sponsorship of the England Cricket Team, is adding to the cricket experience for the fans. We have already launched video highlights of all England's home internationals this summer, including the Ashes, exclusively available on Vodafone live! with 3G. This new Java game compliments the existing sports content available on Vodafone live! and positions Vodafone as the mobile communications provider for sports and entertainment followers around the world."

    Pete Russell, Managing Director of Player One, commented; "Player One is extremely excited to be launching this fun and addictive title that will appeal to both cricket and non-cricket fans alike. Freddie Flintoff is a true international sporting legend and will contribute greatly in England's bid to win The Ashes this summer. With an amazing line up of fixtures this summer, cricket will be the focus of this season's sporting calendar and we expect this title to be extremely popular."

    The entire mobile phone gaming industry needs to take a three-month unpaid sabbatical to think about what it wants to do with itself, because it really isn't working out very well at the moment.
    Is this what people on web forums mean when they write things like "NINTENDON'T IS TEH PWNED"?

    Says the maker: "It is currently running at about 4 fps and no sound it only runs a few demos and metroid intro and there is currently no controls" Awesome! That's why we don't bother with emulators.
    We got an email off of Andrew Vestall! He's everyone's person on the internet they know that lives in Japan, and we think he offered to be our Japanese friend a few years ago.

    This is what he said:

    "I am sending you a photo of Yoda having coffee with a young couple at a Denny's-like family restaurant. I saw this advertisement in Shibuya this afternoon and something inside me died; all I can do now is spread the hurt."

    He obviously likes Star Wars. Luckily for us, we're probably the people that like Star Wars least out of everyone on the whole internet, so this sort of thing just bounces off our steel-like skin.

    'There is no 'I have no change'. Buy or buy not'. Sorry, we're not very good at remembering Star Wars quotes.

    We asked Andrew what the advert is for. He said: "The same cell phones Darth Vader was hawking (AU). They're having a campaign with Star Wars-themed ring tones, backgrounds, animations, etc. for free on newly contracted AU phones. So I guess the idea is that when AU becomes part of your life, so does Star Wars."

    Thank you for that breaking news from Japan! For more breaking news from Japan, look at Andrew's web site.
    ***Sorry, another cock-up. Final headline as above. *****

    Trip Hawkins is now... selling an Atkins Diet application for the 3 Mobile phone network. At least it's a better idea than 3DO.

    Using Atkins2Go, 3's customers will be able to look up the carbohydrate values in various foods on their mobile phone, log foods eaten along and track their carbohydrate intake and weight loss over time. Already popular in the United States, Atkins2Go is the first application of its kind developed specifically for the over 20 million people worldwide who embrace the Atkins Nutritional Approach(tm) and are looking for quick and easy mobile applications to support their lifestyles

    Trip Hawkins, Chief Executive and Founder of Digital Chocolate said: "Atkins2Go brings more freedom and convenience to mobile users who are conscious of their carb intake as part of a healthy lifestyle. We're excited that 3 shares our commitment to creating the most easy-to-use, fun applications for today's mobile lifestyle."

    He made a rubbish company that made some rubbish games.

    3 - Company site - Digital Chocolate and 3 bring Atkins2Go(tm) to mobile in European first
    ***Sorry, we got it wrong again. Corrected headline above.***

    Trip Hawkins is now... selling an Atkins Diet application for the 3 Mobile phone network. At least it's a better idea than 3DO.

    Using Atkins2Go, 3's customers will be able to look up the carbohydrate values in various foods on their mobile phone, log foods eaten along and track their carbohydrate intake and weight loss over time. Already popular in the United States, Atkins2Go is the first application of its kind developed specifically for the over 20 million people worldwide who embrace the Atkins Nutritional Approach(tm) and are looking for quick and easy mobile applications to support their lifestyles

    Trip Hawkins, Chief Executive and Founder of Digital Chocolate said: "Atkins2Go brings more freedom and convenience to mobile users who are conscious of their carb intake as part of a healthy lifestyle. We're excited that 3 shares our commitment to creating the most easy-to-use, fun applications for today's mobile lifestyle."

    He made a rubbish company that made some rubbish games.

    3 - Company site - Digital Chocolate and 3 bring Atkins2Go(tm) to mobile in European first
    ***This is a re-run of yesterday's story, only with the headline we should've done at the time. Sorry for the error.***

    Trip Hawkins is now... selling an Atkins Diet application for the 3 Mobile phone network. At least it's a better idea than 3DO.

    Using Atkins2Go, 3's customers will be able to look up the carbohydrate values in various foods on their mobile phone, log foods eaten along and track their carbohydrate intake and weight loss over time. Already popular in the United States, Atkins2Go is the first application of its kind developed specifically for the over 20 million people worldwide who embrace the Atkins Nutritional Approach(tm) and are looking for quick and easy mobile applications to support their lifestyles

    Trip Hawkins, Chief Executive and Founder of Digital Chocolate said: "Atkins2Go brings more freedom and convenience to mobile users who are conscious of their carb intake as part of a healthy lifestyle. We're excited that 3 shares our commitment to creating the most easy-to-use, fun applications for today's mobile lifestyle."

    He made a rubbish company that made some rubbish games.

    3 - Company site - Digital Chocolate and 3 bring Atkins2Go(tm) to mobile in European first
    Fans of shooting games well catered for in day-one release schedule:

    It's not just for hardcore gamers, it's for *everyone* that likes to buy squad-based war games set in realistic environments!
    You're a Star Wars fan. You've watched the new trilogy. You will NEVER be able to look at the ice-cool cyborg samurai who vapourises planets again without thinking of Hayden Christensen's curmudgeonly doughplate grunting out the words "I slaughdered them like animaaals!" Short of Darth Vader shilling mobile phones, could things get any worse?

    Oh, wait.

    There's another picture (an ACTUAL ADVERTISMENT) of two teenage girls showing Vader pictures they've taken on their mobile phones, but even we don't hate Star Wars fans that much.
    Warning: Dwelling on things like this for too long can make the back of your eyes itch, so be sure to keep a rusty wire hanger around in case you need a REALLY GOOD SCRATCH. We did, and now pictures like this can't hurt us again. Ever.
    He's... selling an Atkins Diet application for the 3 Mobile phone network. At least it's a better idea than 3DO.

    Using Atkins2Go, 3's customers will be able to look up the carbohydrate values in various foods on their mobile phone, log foods eaten along and track their carbohydrate intake and weight loss over time. Already popular in the United States, Atkins2Go is the first application of its kind developed specifically for the over 20 million people worldwide who embrace the Atkins Nutritional Approach(tm) and are looking for quick and easy mobile applications to support their lifestyles

    Trip Hawkins, Chief Executive and Founder of Digital Chocolate said: "Atkins2Go brings more freedom and convenience to mobile users who are conscious of their carb intake as part of a healthy lifestyle. We're excited that 3 shares our commitment to creating the most easy-to-use, fun applications for today's mobile lifestyle."

    He made a rubbish company that made some rubbish games.

    3 - Company site - Digital Chocolate and 3 bring Atkins2Go(tm) to mobile in European first
    Not pictured - giant clubber trainers, innit blood
    Hoodies. HOODIES. In Sega's flagship RPG. Not even camp Japanese snorefests about the love lives of jailbait space elves in the future are safe from being chavved up now.

    Yo, the Motavia Crew is challengin' you to- no, it's no good. We can't work under these conditions any more.
    The latest bewilderingly detailed update on the progress of Xbox 360 linchgame Gotham 3 is here, and comes with the below grid of Gotham 3 images.

    You might be able to find some clues about the game by looking at it for a long time in a methodical manner, like a modern day and internet-based Lieutenant Columbo!

    It's 73 wide and 68 high which makes 4964, then you subtract the 38 blank squares at the bottom right to get 4926, Carol. This has been an enjoyable update to do, as it combines problem solving maths and a game we're really looking forward to, AND we're going to make a joke about wanting to die so we look all sensitive.

  • Ninja Gaiden Black
  • Virtua Tennis... whatever it's called on PSP
  • Sonic Rush
  • That Jeff Minter light thing
  • That really is about it, which means we can die in November.
  • The time has passed when you even had to have any photoshop talent to take part in an interweb craze. See?

    Note the ironic use of MS Comic font. Oh God, please let it be ironic.

    "Show the world we're not afraid of what happened in London," they bleat. Let's see how brave you'd have been if you'd seen half a burning double decker bus full of charred man turning somersaults through the air.

    There has to be a better way to hurt strangers than to Google the internet for masturbation sites and make posts on them like "Dipping a cotton bud in toothpaste and inserting it into your urethra will give you the most intense orgasm EVER!!!!!" There just HAS to be.
    Sorry, not sex shows. That's our imagination running wild again. Rich is doing some live MUSIC shows, playing orchestral arrangements of Sonic and highlights from his critically acclaimed Headhunter soundtrack, as part of the Video Games Live concert tour.

    Speaking EXCLUSIVELY TO US BECAUSE HE LOVES US MORE THAN ANY OTHER WEB SITE OR PEOPLE, Rich said "I had some Headhunter music played, plus I arranged and orchestrated a suite featuring the music from Sonic the Hedgehog, and put together a Classic Arcade Medley featuring everything from Pong, Tetris, Outrun, Rastan, Donkey Kong etc".


    If we'd been there watching this our heads would've EXPLODED with joy at Richard Jacques doing the music off Sonic, live. Seriously. They'd still be wiping the brain (and semen) off the seats and probably even the roof.

    Crikey, Richard Jacques AND Yuji Naka standing next to each other! This sort of thing shouldn't be allowed, in case some sort of freak accident (meteorite, explosion, spurned gay serial killer rampage) happens and they both get killed and destroy most of what's left of what's good about the games industry.

    Look! Elijah Wood is pointing at Richard, because he knows Richard is the more famous and best person! The weasly little shit. He's not making us jealous. We don't care. WANKER.

    Find out more about Video Games Live here. HINT: Read the forum. There's a very attractive female organiser you might like to get obsessed about (it's safe because she lives in America, so when she says she'd rather just be good friends you can reply saying "yes, that's what I was thinking too, actually, despite what I wrote in that really long email this morning. Long-distance relationships never work").
    Make it look like you care about something other than yourself, dinner and having sex via the medium of plastic!
    Friday 15th July 2005... The Entertainment Software Charity (ESC), the computer and video games industry's official charity, has announced details of its latest fundraising initiative, the launch of four ESC Gamers wristbands, giving the UK's gamers a chance to express their passion and raise money for young people's charities.

    A must have for all gamers from eight to eighty, the wristbands are inexpensive, make a statement, are socially responsible and help to raise funds for a variety of important charities. More than a mere fashion statement; the ESC wristbands can really make a difference.

    ESC CEO Mark Strachan commented: "The ESC wristbands will be the must have item of the late summer and autumn. Many major charitable causes have adopted this method of fundraising. The wristbands give people the opportunity to make a statement and show their support and we are sure that gamers will be wearing their bands with pride."

    Thanks, but we'll stick with the Handkerchief System of signalling that we like it (a) rough, (b) with no strings, and preferably (c) with a girl who weighs less than we do.
    Don't laugh, that would've been you on the left if you'd been born ten years earlier:

    Even in the 1970s the poor girls just stood there, looking bored and staring into the middle distance as the Alpha Males competed. If only you could still shut them up by giving them a balloon.

    Retro Arcade - a photoset on Flickr
    Sorry it's taken us so long to do another one of these but we've been holding out for Google to invent something that can make you draw well.

    We are still waiting. Image created in Photoshop 7, Adobe Illustrator 6.2 LE, Macromedia Dreamweaver, DrawMax UltraHand 9, Freehand Handstyle Web Edition and Bic Biro 1957 Classic.
    Hooray! Kagero is back! No, we'd never heard of it either until this one, (apparently) the third in series of Dungeon Keeper style trap-setting simulators. Don't run away, though! Look, this one's about lovely girls in fetish gear!

    There's some bollocks here about a lone princess defending her castle against invaders, but put simply this is a game for everyone (us) who used to build fantastically complex Bond-style deathtraps for their Legomen (often involving gunpowder, corrosive chemicals and being frozen in a block of ice) that would have made a child psychologist steady themself on the furniture.

    Now they have grown up and sit at their desks, daydreaming about how many pieces could be cut off the last one to reject them before they went crazy or blacked out from pain or fear. Thank the Lord that Tecmo is there for them (us.)

    The latest Kagero gimmick is gigantic setpiece traps called Dark Illusions. These include a web of giant meathooks which hurl the intruder into the air causing him to be struck by lightning, and the much-touted "Twelve Killer" in which the victim is impaled on a giant clock and slowly crushed to death by its rotating hands.

    Kagero is the work of Keisuke Kikuchi, a man who probably fits one of the following profiles.

    1) Likes looking at pretty people and hurting things
    2) Spike obsessed sex case whose games all dwell relentlessly and gleefully on breasts and horrifying murder
    3) Genuinely feels this is what women do to you when they catch you

    Whichever is correct, we think he's a strong candidate for UK:R special friend of the week. (He made Fatal Frame.)
    Seeing as the official UK chart is full of such RUBBISH, let's check out the Bittorrent sites and see if "da hardcore gamers" can do any better:

    Konami's PS2 action slasher Oz from the Suikoden team tops the inaugural UKR Bittorrent Download Chart, followed by Tekken 5, Killer 7, Genji and something else we've really never heard of.

    So no, the download charts are full of obscure Japanese games being downloaded by the sort of people who want to boast about how they spent the weekend (by this they mean 20 minutes until they got bored and confused then stopped) playing something Japanese. Still, glad we never started up that video game import business.

    ...still, at least things aren't about to get worse, eh? Eh? Are they? Eh?

    Ha ha! Do you see what we did there? We FOOLED you with the MAGIC of Photoshop! It's all just a big joke. EVERYTHING is going to be okay, and there isn't really a Mario Dance Dance Revolution game coming out this week at all! Is there? *nudge* Is there? *vicious jab* IS there? *sets down a pile of fireworks and douses it with petrol* IS THERE? *sits on it an lights match*

    We're going to video game heaven! Join us. Come on, it'll be great. The Metroid bloke's already up there, and everyone else is in their fifties or older. We can save a seat for them, and then when they die and come to join us they'll be our special friends forever! And Richard Jacques.

    (Note: At time of reading this, Rich may or may not be actually dead depending on whether we get the four thirty connecting train at Chelmsford. Don't worry about phoning to warn him, he'll understand that we love him and just want to set him free.)
    People exactly like us (only with better graphics cards and art skills) have been modding The Sims 2 to feature weird sex stuff.

    This Sims 2 mod is called "Gaping Hole" -- it makes your female Sim look like she's been sliced open. Look at her. You can tell she deserved it too, the whiny-faced bitch!

    Here at UKR we do not condone the cutting open of innocent women. Only the guilty ones. The ones guilty of spurning our advances. Or getting in the way of the TV. Or wearing short skirts and therefore asking for it.

    Very Strange Sims Page One
    This is not a joke. We'd really like to do this if it turns out we can legally get away with it (probably not) and enough people get involved (certainly not).

    Let's face it. We all know what you're "surfing" the Friends Reunited archives for. Let's cut out the bullshit.

    Hatred Reignited will accept stories in the following categories.

    UNREQUITED LOVE: Did you fall in love with a staggeringly beautiful creature in school? Despite the fact that you would have treated them like like an elven prince/ess and slept outside their window, cutting your inner thighs and writing poems just to get a glimpse of their face, did they blow you off for a some neanderthal chav who could play football? Did their choice in partners land them in Pentonville for stabbing the wife beating drunkard they ended up married to five hundred and eighty nine times? Tell the rest of the school about it.

    CUNTS: Remember that little shit who stole your gameboy and the teachers wouldn't do anything about it because they said it was his word against yours? Did his unchecked kleptomania terminate in a stay at her majesty's pleasure for petty theft wherein he was bumburgled to within an inch of his life until he got the aids? Gloat about it online.

    TEACHERS: What about the slimy, abusive shitface who joined the teaching profession because he couldn't control anything else in his life? The one who used to alternately scream and gloat at the class that none of them would even amount to as much as he had? Did he fuck a student and have his marriage ruined, his career shredded had his house burned down by Rebekkah Wade's bob-a-mobs? If Hatred Reignited gets off the ground, you will be able to show up on his doorstep TOMORROW.

    TALES OF PERSONAL VINDICATION: Perhaps you were in school with the one kid in every year who managed to do fantastically well with the girls, and took every oppurtunity to rub your face in the notion that you would die alone at a computer at age 29 when your national health glasses accidentally stabbed into your eyeball. Perhaps he knocked up and had to marry a screeching chav with buck teeth and one eye on either side of her head, while you took a qualificationless job teaching bored Japanese housewives and now have to figure out how to spend your piles of cash with only one hand due to the fact that you're using the other to beat off the top-end scrunt with a shitty stick. OUT THEM NOW.

    Furthermore, we promise that if this gets underway then we will search the public name change registers day and night in order to bring you glossy prints THE SECOND anyone you ever knew gets involved in the porn industry. For premium members we will actually photoshop the porn ourselves given recent photos from three different angles (mobile phone cameras accepted). Don't worry that it's not real - it will be by the time their former classmates see it.
    Oh look. We made a pretend screenshot of NiGHTS for PlayStation3 or Xbox 360 or PSP. Either way, it didn't turn out as funny as we imagined it:

    Sorry about this. If we were better at using Photoshop it might have been funnier. Those white circles are ecstacy drugs, but you can hardly tell. It all went wrong. We spent at least an hour cutting out that picture of NiGHTS, too. And the TXT MSG bit is just that same joke we've already done before, what? About seven times now? We'd give this update 4/10, and that's us being generous to ourselves because we made it. If someone else had made this, well, we'd be using the f-word and possibly even getting out the Big C. It's been a disappointing few weeks for everyone.
    THE STORY: After years in disguise creating brilliant subversive comedy, Chris finds that a world who was barely consciously aware of him in the first place has completely forgotten him. He thus enters a fantasy world where he is still hailed as a dark and surreal genius which makes him unable to perform even the most basic domestic chores - WITH CRAZY RESULTS!

    Note: Once every episode, Charlie Brooker shows up and delivers his hilarious catchphrase.

    THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: Aaa, Mmn' Foo Voof Can I Have A Packet Of Asprin Please

    CHEMIST: Can I help you, sir?
    CHRIS: Have you got any Cuprisod?
    CHEMIST: Sorry?
    CHRIS: Cuprisod or Vagiblast. The wife's got a bad dose of the exploding twats.
    CHEMIST: Oh god, not you again.
    CHRIS: What about a four and a half inch bumcrank?

    (In the backgroud Stephen Fry approches the shop, looks in through the window, thinks better of it and walks on.)

    CHRIS: Bumcranks and Vagiblast. Please help me.
    CHEMIST: Sir, please go away or I'm going to have to call the police again.
    CHARLIE: (Popping up suddently behind the counter with the camera zooming in on him) CUNT!
    It's OK, we didn't get bombed. We did walk around and take some photos though, and now that 12 hours have passed feel it's OK to get the nation laughing again via another joke/babe hybrid piece.
    Below you see a screenshot of our last, best hope for saving the world in action. Thus far we have trained it to do the following things:

    1) If Nicebloke detects a large number of male pronouns in a sentence it will recognise a moan, and randomly generate sympathy.

    2) If Nicebloke recognises a phrase commonly associated with leaving, it will make a play for attention.

    3) Any request for confirmation of something will prompt the response "OF COURSE NOT."

    4) If Nicebloke is unable to recognise the syntax of a sentence, it will employ a diversionary tactic.

    We haven't taught it to punctuate properly yet, so all the stock phrases are in captials. Bear with us though,we'll soon have it unleashed on Yahoo! Bridge.
    The only thing lovelier than Katie Holmes is Katie Holmes waking you up in the morning with a 16-inch deep pan Super Supreme Meat Feast she's just ordered for breakfast as a "thank you" for letting her wee on you. Not that we're into that kind of thing -- we prefer stuffed-crust Hawaiians*.

    *Not a euphemism for rent boys.
    ...or at least that's what it feels like, anyway. Come on, stupid clock! Faster! Faster!

    Of course, a new Sakura Wars game is like the first shit after a night on the razzle. First of all it has a solid and satisfying feel that makes you flood with relief. Then, two hours later when you're having a giant robot battle with an anthropomorphic marmot on a circus tightrope (or something equally stupid) you realise it was just the pace car, and all that's left is fifteen to twenty hours of insubstantial crap that makes you regretful and nauseous.

    This time, though, Sega have got a secret weapon. Allow us to introduce... WHEELCHAIR GIRL!

    Don't mention the wheels if you want to get your end away

    To celebrate the advent of a truly UK:R sex symbol and to win over those who might still be in two minds about importing the game, we've written a verse of love to get you all in the mood for love and flowers and tweeting birds and help you to forget that the game's set in America.

    Our first date at the Coffee House Restauraunt, where they serve only the best coffee houses

    Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
    You wear glasses and a lab coat.
    Your personality will probably be bland and kindly, like Kohran in the good ones on the Saturn.
    You come from Boston, so you will be very posh and thus utterly dirty.
    You are a med student too, so you will know all the names and be shocked by nothing.

    Nearly got her in bed here. Can anyone get her arms for us?

    Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
    You are so much better than other wheelchair girls
    Like that one from Silent Hill.
    She was a bit plain, and tried to kill us with dogs.
    We will tell our friends that you are by Sega and not RED or Hudson
    (As we have been doing since the Dreamcast to avoid embarassment)

    A concrete floor, a look of fear and a length of rope. If we're any judge of Japanese games, things can only go one way from here.

    Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
    I long for the moment of beauty when we become one
    Our bodies singing a pure and unsullied aria of love to the heavens.
    You will probably have to go over the side of the bed
    So that your legs don't get in the way.

    The pants are off but the glasses stay on. That's just sweet.

    Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
    My heart has an access ramp.

    We thank you.
    Day two and we're already sort of regretting this. This week's second Employee of the Week update features a joke about flight data recorders because, sickos that we are, there's nothing we like more than reading the last dying words of doomed cabin crews as they plummet to the ground.

    Sorry, mum. It's not your fault we turned out like this (it was because of weird Uncle Paul and that secret he made us keep).
    How can this sentence...

    "I was a bit like a volcano. An erupting volcano. I paused the PlayStation. I went to the kitchen and collected the knife. Without realising it, I stabbed him"

    ...actually be said by a human being? And we thought throwing a controller and accusing the console of "being gay" was over reacting a bit.

    Story in today's Sun newspaper:

    We often "feel like a volcano" after losing at something, but the worst we've ever done is shout "cunting fuck" quite loudly into our knees through gritted teeth. We've never had to go somewhere (kitchen) to get something (knife) to accurately display our anger with.

    Oh, you know, just the usual filler piece about a dad allegedly KILLING ONE OF HIS FOUR-MONTH-OLD BABIES because of possible video game rage:

    This one is a lie. It's the paper suggesting that because they heard he got angry playing games once, that must mean he's a killer. This is nasty and irresponsible reporting, and that's why we read The Sun every day.
    We've saved up a few more of our "alien jokes", to help you get over not being able to spend two hours a day watching Maria Sharapova bouncing around in something you can imagine is her nightie.

    Here's the first of this week's maybe even as many as eight Employee of the Week updates.

    We just got our first play of Everyone Loves Katamari. Give us a second to stop crying with sheer joy before we give you simple, point by point explanation of what you should do.

    1) The scope is bigger. For example, in the high school level you can travel from room to room and they all load as seperate areas allowing for a whole new level of... er... levels. The boys' shower room has a fat old man trying to peer over the lockers at the boys changing. Every day the game designers show us they understand their demographic better and better.

    2) The graphics have been very slightly improved, so it's still like Jet Set Radio only now it looks better.

    3) The tone of the game is more whimsical. One level is a huge garden full of magical creatures and you have to start off by collecting flowers. Seeing the ball covered in millions of tiny flowers is fantastic enough, but then you get to reap amoral terror and end up covered in screaming, struggling centaurs, pixies and leprechauns.

    4) Whereas the vocals of the original were limited, every level of the demo is backed by a freaky bass-heavy piece of J-rock or pop. So it's even more like Jet Set Radio.

    That's why we say to the world and say it loud:


    Go on, it'll be easy. It'll help you sleep better too.
    Then they email screengrabs of the TV show to us, like we should be impressed about it. They probably think we'll do an update on it, somehow endorsing their efforts. The idiots.


    These do look a bit unconvincing, but before you say we faked them ask yourself one question -- why THE HELL ON EARTH would we or anyone else spend time poorly Photoshopping a Daytona USA 2 flag onto three scenes of blotchy Glastonbury footage?
    If you're female and read UK:R, chances are you see the funny side of our posts. Chances are equally good that you WON'T see the funny side of Women-Wise.

    Women love playing games, including anything from adventure and puzzle games to strategy games and RPGs (role playing games). Some industry sources say that at least half of all "gamers" are female when you factor in those who play on-line games and gender-neutral games like cards, trivia, backgammon, and other board games.
    Translation: "Sorry love, women are shit at Tekken."

    Women Wise(TM) was formed to encourage women to use and create new media with a female perspective. In our programs we take the basic elements of good game design and expand upon it with a female friendly point of view. Our upcoming line-up includes games, interactive stories, enhanced music CDs, and edutainment titles. We know that's a lot of territory to cover!
    Translation: "Sorry love, women are shit at Tekken."

    The Women Wise(TM) line-up of products is a reflection of what women have been telling us, and what men have also indicated, would be great titles to enjoy. Some of our titles are pure fantasy - an escape from busy, demanding lifestyles. Others reflect your interests, dreams, and passions. Topics include rich stories, areas of women's interests, including health and wellness issues, spirituality, sports, women's business, creativity, and, of course, more adventure entertainment.
    Translation: "Sorry love, women are shit at Tekken."

    The first title releasing under the Women Wise(TM) brand is part of a complete digital media entertainment package created especially for women. Along with an ebook novella, The Legend of Lotus Spring(TM) is a CD-ROM entertainment title designed with special attention to what research shows women look for in interface design, story and character creation, and visual treatments in software titles.
    Translation: "Sorry love, women are shit at Tekken."

    Cyber@nnie(TM) is your techno savvy sister in cyberspace. She's fun, hip, witty and super smart - a sensuous geek! She hangs out around our site, so give her a click for words on the industry, techno tips and resources.
    Translation: "I PRESSED that, but nothing happened!"

    Like Puzzle and Adventure Games? Jewels II is a favorite among women. It has received accolades in the press, and it took top honors in the Atlantic Digital Media Festival.
    Translation: "Sorry love, women are shit at Tekken."

    Twenty years of bloody struggle by all three women that play proper video games, and then the other eight zillion turn up late to the party only to decide they want to use Yahoo Online Partnership Wist to start a globe-spanning knitting circle, and demand to know WHY THEIR NEEDS AS WOMEN aren't being met by the developers. Not to worry though, we've started work on a chat bot called Nicebloke 1.0 which will keep these old-at-age-24 harridans glued to their chat clients and out of our games for good. Updates on our work will follow.
    It's tempting to despise the young, to look at the technology today and wish fondly that the information technology revolution had arrived in OUR childhoods, or at the very least to curse fate for making us witness the rise of the video game and thus the ultimate destruction of everything we loved.

    So when the voices start, just put the scissors down and try the following UK:R "Lifestyle" advice for building more positive outlook towards modern life.


    Think of the most embarassing and/or misguided thing you did, said or perpetrated as a tween. Maybe you thought Bon Jovi wrote the greatest lyrics ever and wanted to tell the world how clever and deep he was. Maybe you wrote prose about your Dungeons and Dragons characters falling in love and getting married. Maybe you had a "Unicorns and Mermaids" phase, or worse a nihilist gothy phase, or worse a Roxette phase.

    Without the internet, all you had was a scrap book full of cut out pictures from magazines stuck on with Pritt Stick that the kids on the bus stole and threw around. With the internet, you would have had a free webpage covered in broken links screaming it from the rooftops to everyone in the world with a computer what a dork you were which would have ended up on Something Awful or or any other of the million other sites that aren't bored with people's homepages yet.


    Think of the most smug and irritating console or computer advocates from your school. Now give them XBoxes.


    Remember when your pants fell down after PE and you cried for weeks because the WHOLE WORLD (ten people) had seen your arse? If that had happened today, that arse would have been circulated to the UNIVERSE before you'd even got home to watch Alias The Jester. By the time Top of the Pops was on, a nonce doing a google search for "CHILDREN'S BOTTOMS" would have found it, snagged it and uploaded it to a fileserver. When you woke up in the morning, fat greying diddlers from Toledo to Timbuctoo would have printed it out to fling string over you.

    When we were young, kids simply had the amoral passion for sociopathically destroying people's lives that Davros did. Now they have his technology too. And this means:


    Some day (and that day will DEFINITELY BE SOON) you're going to throw yourself off a bridge after a night of cathartic self debasement causes you to forget that you still live with your family and stagger down to breakfast with no pants on, half your head shaved, vomit caking the front of your vest and - should the gods have smiled on you - a salty floppy swinging folornly from the tip of your majesty. Still, that's taken three decades (give or take) of systematic spirit-crushing; imagine if someone had mobilised the information superhighway to give you that vital shove at an age where setting the video wrong and missing Red Dwarf meant the end of the world.

    We're already seeing them burning out like Roman Candles, sometimes even doing the public service of taking their car-boot-dwelling ratfamilies with them. That's why we say to you all, hold on. A brighter day is coming. A brighter day involving lots and lots of dead scriptkiddies.

    Maybe even him.

    Sakura Wars 5 is going to be set in HIS country

    Oh please.
    Mushiking rocks! It's just like 1995 all over again! Sega's weird beetle-collecting GBA game Mushiking has crushed all opposition (like they are beetles and Sega is a TANK) to grab the Japanese all-formats number one spot, beating such major gaming franchises as, er Chibi Robo and Drag-on Dragoon.

    See Sega's Mushiking triumph HERE AND NOW!

    All formats (Japan)
    Week starting 20 June 2005

    1. GBA - The King of Beetle Mushiking: Greatest Champion
    2. DS - DS Training For Adults: Work Your Brain
    3. PS2 - Zill O'll infinite (incl. Limited Edition)
    4. GC - Chibi Robo
    5. PS2 - Drag-On Dragoon 2: Love Red, Ambivalence Black
    6 PS2 - Rakusho! Pachinko Slot Sengen 3
    7. PSP - Coded Arms
    8. PS2 - Futakoi Alternative: Ai to Shoujo to
    Machineguns (incl. Limited Edition)
    9. DS - Advance Wars: Dual Strike
    10. PS2 - Kenka Bancho (incl. Limited Edition)

    Well done, Japanese children! Your game choosing is much greatness brings!

    We've been thinking for some time about doing a "joke" update where we make up "hilarious" pretend Japanese game names and say it's the real Japanese chart, but THE TRUTH -- DS Training For Adults: Work Your Brain and Drag-On Dragoon 2: Love Red, Ambivalence Black -- really is stranger than fiction.