Here's how it works.




Hope that clears it up. The figure of "35" is a rough estimate and not based on actual webmaster age.

The last 12 years have just come full circle. We should've saved the bold/capital letters headline for this sort of exciting announcement.




Off to listen to Sonic R on the headphones in bed. There may well be a bit of masturbation. Don't worry, Richard, we'll switch to thinking about women and tits for the climax.

Everybody will soon be SUPER SONIC RACING again!




The slightly cumbersome name for this is "Sonic & SEGA All-Star Racing". Presumably calling it "Sonic R 2" was deemed too much of a sales deathwhish even for the SEGA of today.




We have already despatched several emails regarding the availability of Richard Jacques for soundtrack duties.




If Jacques isn't on-board it will be the greatest TRAVESTY of the modern gaming era. Or at least the greatest travesty since Sonic the Hedgehog 2006.




It also won't be the same without huge chunks of scenery appearing two feet away from your character's body.




CVG says it's being handled by Sumo Digital, so it ought to be a solid 7/10 at least. There's a video of it on that web site about videos.

THE PRESS RELEASE:

In a frantic battle to the chequered flag, Sonic and friends speed around tracks set in mediaeval castle ramparts, lush rainforests and bustling cities, all taken from the visually rich and varied universes of Sonic and SEGA. Fan favourites such as Dr. Eggman, Tails, AiAi, Amigo and many more will join Sonic in their custom built vehicles, revving their engines and jostling to stay ahead of the pack. Each character will speed around the track in cars, planes, motorbikes, and in Aiai's case – a banana mobile! Secret short cuts, swift handling and avoiding strategically placed obstacles are certainly the best way to get to the top of the podium...

But winning is only part of the fun in Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing! Each character has a specific All Star move – such as Super Sonic, Banana Blitz and Tails Tornado – that allows a quick way for competitors to get back into the race! Power ups and weapons can also be collected around the tracks and used against the opposition to ensure they don't become a threat to that number one position.

Battle it out in single or multiplayer mode, allowing up to four friends to race in frantic split-screen action, or up to eight players to compete online in the ultimate racing showdown.

Can Amigo scramble Dr. Eggman? Will AiAi say bye-bye to Tails? Are you gonna be faster than Sonic? The race will start in 2010...

So whatever did become of our favourite internet gaming punchbags?




JAM: Discovered in a lay-by off the A39 outside of Bideford.




SARIN: Dredged up from a stream near the river Avon, north of Salisbury.




KITT: Torso found by walkers in a ditch in the New Forest.




LUCKY: Excavated from beneath house extension in Reading area.




VOODOO: Still just about alive!!

New Low of the Week(TM) achieved by Wednesday!




"I found this today at the local thrift store. I also found that lovely comic, which I was able to enjoy up until I found out that the lead writer is a legitimate furry, not just a presumed one. It makes me think of all of those times where a lady in a cartoon is wearing something that you know should be showing off massive cleavage, but Disney or Nelvana or whoever don't want kids to get the wrong idea about anatomy. And then, suddenly, you have your first little erection in that brief flash where you find out that the Dark Queen in the Battletoads pilot does not actually have wafer tits. Innocent enough, until you realize it was probably done by a bored, lonely animator who made sure to save that cel and toss it on the jerk pile. Oh, and it's a nice silky tie" - Kevin.

World seems a 'different place' following sensational internet discovery.




Another superb contender for Last Ever UKR Update.

Found by a different man called "Ben" who says it was broadcast on the radio last night. He also says something about OutRun appearing at around the 70 minute mark which we shall laboriously cut & paste below.

The DJ intro goes on for ages before anything happens, and even then it sounds like the radio isn't tuned in properly as the DJ seems to always play several records at the SAME TIME.

It is, literally, some men shouting over some tunes you might half recognise.




"It's amazing. Well worth listening to for the full 2 hours. And in case you're curious, the Outrun bit is around the 70 minute mark. It deviates somewhat from games afterwards, but it's still brilliant" - Ben.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION FOR COPYRIGHT-INFRINGERS:
"You can get it as an MP3 if you download this program here. Just open this program, enter the website address I gave you earlier, and download."

At least the photograph is livened up somewhat by the inclusion of the photographer's fashionable canvas shoe. Look at how loose his laces are. The shoe would go flying if he attempted to kick a football.




"I was walking around the part of town that is known for street art and what have you when I came across this and almost shat a brick or five. I made everyone I was with come to a freaking halt and wait on my overly caffeinated and giddy self so I could take teh piczors you now have. Anyways hope you enjoy and all that lovely crap. Your friendly neighbourhood Sir Kittens" - Sir Kittens.

Yuji Naka's handwriting on a Dreamcast. An even more thrilling combination than semen on the stomach and thighs of Hayden Panettiere. Via the SEGA Europe Flickr account, which we all really ought to keep a closer eye on.

Can someone take it upon themselves to be the SEGA Europe Flickr Account Monitor, please? Just set it to your home page and report in with any interesting developments to do with people in costumes or things from the good, old days.




Found by a man called "Matt" who, incredibly, saw this and thought we might like it. We had no idea we were so easy to read.




Stuff like this is what we're interested in.




We are not interested in stuff like this.

It's a web game. You sit still on your computer chair and watch a timer count down in front of a fancy Flash background.

It is much more thrilling than Metal Gear Solid. There's literally ZERO talking in it.




Playing it really feels like you're a man sitting on the internet looking at a counter and wondering if there's ever going to be anything more than this to the next 40 years of your life. Congratulations, Hideo! 9/10.

The amazing SEGA carpet, initially spotted in Southampton SEGA World, has been spotted again. In a fabric shop in Brixton. Perhaps the fabric shop used to be a SEGA World?

Or perhaps the fabric shop, being expert in cheap materials, knew that the cheapest possible way to cover bare concrete is to buy a carpet that says "SEGA" all over it?




"Whilst perusing fabrics with which to cover a slightly grotty sofa I bought for £30 (plus £5 for help to carry it back to my house) I came across this shop in Brixton, in south London."




"Whilst not much to look at from the front, it opened out into a huge room full of nice rolls of fabric to buy. The real star though, is the carpet (see attached, slightly rubbish iPhone photos)."




"I bought 14 metres of a dark turquoise fabric" - Jason.

PlayStation has been accused of causing murder and early death recently, now we have - INTERNATIONAL ORGANISED CRIME!




There is no specific associated imagery. Just a screen grab of the page and a link. If there was a specific associated image it would be something poorly Photoshopped, like the head of Ronnie Biggs on Spyro the Dragon's body.

A seller over on DIY tat-merchant superstore Etsy is offering this tasteful homage to the year 2003. She should've used Team Rose. She also shouldn't have put a copyright warning on the page, seeing as all she's doing is reprinting someone else's artwork.




Sent in by a "Simon". Simon is to blame. It was Simon's idea. When this poor girl is found sobbing and broken in a motorway service station three months from now after a sustained internet hate/stalking campaign, remember it was all because of Simon.




Fortunately, Etsy doesn't allow comments below items.

Can't look at "Flock" without having horrendous flashbacks to the fog of misery surrounding Core Design's patchy-at-best Herdy Gerdy.




"I was watching a trailer for new Xbox Live Arcade / PSN game 'Flock!' by UK developer Proper Games and it looks like they've been following your Dreamcast logo search."




"The latest game trailer features an alien space-ship creating the Dreamcast logo via in-game crop circles! So now the game features everyone's two favourite things in the whole wide world. Dreamcast... and sheep! I've attached some screen-caps for your convenience" - Joe.




No, Joe, thank you for adhering to the three-photos-revealing-ever-more rule. And for doing the hard work with the captures. And for sending this in five months ago.

"Quick, Sonic! The thermostat! Turn it up to 26 degrees and melt him!"




Spotted by reader "Orta" who was taken out for the day and allowed to have an ice cream.

We don't know why we're still doing this, either.




"As you seem to publish just about everything with a sega logo of some form, here's a picture of a SEGA sign taken from a tram in Hong Kong in late March 2009. You might want to crop out the blurry bit of tram before publishing it, if you can be bothered" - Michael.




Couldn't be bothered.

Surely someone, somewhere, has manipulated the weak, arthritic grip of the machine well enough to win a SEGA Vision by now? Or are they chained up inside these idiot-catcher machines as a lure never to be won? The box could even be empty for all we know, as a clever homage to the SEGA of today.




"I was at Taybarns tonight (a semi-posh all you can eat buffet type place) when I spotted an actual SEGA Vision, all wrapped up and pretty, within one of those 'Pile Up' machines where you have to stack little blocks to win. I don't even think you can even buy one anywhere (although there is one on eBay at the moment for £80) so naturally I scared the children next to me by jumping up and down, screaming 'It's SEGA VISION!' and managed to 'discreetly' take a few photos."




"I only had my camera phone, so apologies for the crappy quality. I'll try and go back there some time and take better pictures."




"I also saw a picture of Sonic outside a car license plate shop, I'll promise to take a picture and send that next time" - Tru.

Everything we miss about the old world. EVERYTHING! Well, the only two things - SEGA hardware and acceptable corporate sexism. Can someone who lives in America see what's left at 2550 Santa Fe Avenue, please? Thanks.




"Susie? Can you wear something sexy tomorrow, love? We've got a photographer coming in. Those hotpants you wore last Friday would do. Ta, sweetheart" *A FAT MAN PATS SUSIE'S BOTTOM. SUSIE SMILES IN FEAR OF VIOLENCE OR LOSING HER JOB*




"Oh, and Susie? Can you meet me up in the stationary room in five? I need help with some... labels" *SUSIE SMILES AND NODS IN FEAR OF VIOLENCE OR LOSING HER JOB*

Empowering you to vote for the hottest possible new one. That's GIRL POWER for you. That's what Germaine Greer was on about in that book of hers.

"In the future", said Greer, "I can see how all women will be rated in order of perceived attractiveness with the less attractive ones thinned out and disposed of in an old iron bath filled with lime powder so their faces no longer offend men on the internet".




A shady past in internet pornography is nice, but not essential.

The Keystone Cops are launching another motion controller for their £999,995.95 shitbox at this year's E3, according to some serious-looking blog.




Then, when Nintendo reveals Wii 2 and its innovative rumbling d-pad for precise and reliable on-screen control, it'll be back to the DualShock IV.

Photos (misc) supplied by readers (assorted) of a standard (acceptable).




From another "Dan". Dan seems to a more popular reader name that Chris these days. Must be a new wave of youth readers we've had come in since upping the amount of swearing and colours on the main page.




From someone who wants to be known as "DACHAZ". It's of a church somewhere.




From a man who wants to be called "Dreddnaught". It's something of his wife/girlfriend's.




From a "Bob". It's one of those devices that lets you count down how many days you have to go until you're allowed to rest peacefully for all eternity. A calendar.




From another "Dan" amazingly enough. It's a carpet somewhere in Budapest. This is such a great photo it was very nearly spun-off into a separate update complete with East European cleaning staff friction burn sex fan fiction.




Promotional tat currently in the possession of a "Steve".




From a "Chris" who would appear to be planning his return to the dating scene and is investigating ways to get his hair back to its former glory.




From a "Richard" who sent an extremely long and detailed explanation and several other photos. Thanks for all that, and sorry.




And finally, a return to an alternate "Chris" who will be attempting to numb whatever parts of his body are still capable of feeling pain with this tonight. Well done, everyone. It's nice to know we have at least NINE entire readers left.

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