WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "Even at the beginning of 2005 we were still writing things about Dreamcast! How sweet. We didn't use this at the time because it seemed a bit like re-treading old ground, but still. It makes a good point.

This is the last rejected idea. We've got loads more rubbish ones we never used, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. A Dreamcast update seems a good way to end it all (we mean the series of updates, not our lives)."

OUR DREAMCAST IS STILL OUT!
Look, it's there, right next to the PC so we can use it with the VGA Box. Scroll down to look, then scroll back up again, it's important to read this in order.

All our other games machines had a fair run. A few years at the top, then a happy ending when they were spent and out-classed -- EXCEPT DREAMCAST! It should still be on sale today. It should be, like, 89.99 with a copy of Metropolis Street Racer 2 and 79.99 for a standalone system. It just ISN'T FAIR!

COMMODORE 64, 1984-1992
A sensational eight years "out" for the C64, and it only got put away because it broke and we were 19 and starting to think that the reason girls hadn't had sex with us yet was because of the computer games obsession thing. It wasn't, but that's a whole other update.

MEGA DRIVE, 1992-1997
Five years "out" for Sega's hardware masterpiece. It got put away for the next Sega console, and because it was starting to take up too much room because of all the add-ons. That's how it's SUPPOSED TO WORK :(

SEGA SATURN, 1995-1999
The old Saturn was a failure, but still home to at least eight of the best video games of all-time. When it died we put it away for three reasons; (1) Because it died a brave death fighting Sony (it KNEW it would die yet STILL fought on) and deserved a proper burial. (2) We'd just spent £340 on an imported Dreamcast that was going to make Sega great again, and (3) Ian, who we were sharing a flat with at the time, only had one SCART socket on his TV.

DREAMCAST, 1999-20??
It's STILL OUT! Where's the CLOSURE? It had better games than PS2. We can say that now looking back in cold-hearted hindsight. Jesus, it STILL DOES. The mighty Ikaruga came out when PS2 could only offer us Need for Speed Underground.

It's like an old, sick dog that can only lie on the floor and poo and wee on itself, but we JUST CAN'T PUT ROVER TO SLEEP. Is your Dreamcast also still out? If so, send us a photograph of it. We can probably be friends.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "More unfocused rage about mobile phone games, in this case -- Tomb Raider. It was never used, because, well, it's just a bit angry and not very amusing. We don't want people to think we're the 'RamRaider'!"

WHY ARE GAMES GETTING WORSE?
Look at this. This is what today's kids think games are like thanks to rubbish mobile phone cash-ins. As if Tomb Raider wasn't bad enough, it's now smaller, 2D, and the only things you can do in it are walk, run, jump, climb and shoot.

The press release points that out like it's a FEATURE: "In Tomb Raider: Quest for Cinnabar, which is the second game in the planned trilogy, players guide Lara Croft in her exciting adventure to recover the priceless vase containing Cinnabar in Tibet, by making her run, jump, climb, shoot, while avoiding traps, obstacles and enemies."

Obviously it's unplayable, because everything is on a phone, which means the other thing you can do is DIE ALL THE TIME because you can't control anything with a device THAT'S PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TELEPHONING PEOPLE. Anyway, we just wanted to say that Tomb Raider: Quest for Cinnabar looks rubbish and show you a picture of it so you believe us.



It'll be a collection of generic 2D levels that you will stumble through in an unsatisfactory trial and error manner. See? This illustrates how easy it is to review games without playing them. 1/10.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "We HATE mobile phone games! All of them! Even the Sega ones! They don't ever work and are never fun. So we wrote this about mobile phone Quake, then didn't use it because it only works on one not very good level."

BONUS FACT: These fake screenshot things we did for a while last year nearly got printed in Maxim. But they decided not to use them in the end. That was a shame.

MOBILE PHONE QUAKE -- REVIEWED
It's a mobile phone game, so it's obviously rubbish and doesn't work properly on a stupid phone keypad. 1/5.

And people moaned about having to play Quake III on a Dreamcast pad. Mobile games are as satisfying as a low fat vegetarian starter, and we'd rather be "Happy Slapped" to death on a bus by a gang of 12-year-olds with penknifes than play one.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "Someone complained about that old retro-gaming thing we did. He was a madman. We wound him up for a bit, but soon got bored. This is what happened."

A BELATED COMPLAINT ABOUT RETRO GAMING

Hi,

I was surfing the net looking for something,
when somehow , someway, I got the link
to your retor gameing bashing page..

Hmmmm...

You seriously suck ass.. you either have severe
mental defects in your brain..or just a
whiney punk... or you could be both..

I am 34 years old..and I started my gameing..
carrer a long time ago..

the first comptuter game I ever played was
ghostbusters.on the commnodore 64..

I am a huge modern game fan..I have a playstation
2...just bough revenge of the sith..fat game.. I own
about 50 playstation 2 games..and Have a really
fat modern pc..with a nivdia card.. was just playing
awhile ago prince of persia 2 warrior within..

Sure the playstation 2 has super grahics..
and super this and super that..but 95% of
the time..when I beat a playstation 2 game..
I NEVER play it again..I usually keep the
game though, cause I am a collector.and I can't
see trading something in..and getting 10$ for
it when u paid 60$ for it when IT came out..

as for my older games..that I collect on my
various emulator the older the game..the more
I can play again and again..versuse the ps2..
one time play only.

the comments you made on your web site
uk internationl are just ignorant and dumb..

All Modern things owe a debt to the past..
modern games.. know they owe a debt to
the past..what are u fuking blind..
Grand theft auto..vice city..had a commodre 64
boot screen..to pay hompage to that great machine

the sid chip devolped on the c-64 was considered
one the biggest breakthrough..for sound
technolgoy on the computer..

All things new owe a debt to the past..
Soundgarden, Alice in Chains.., PUddle of Mud
all those new bands..owe a debt to Black Sabbath..
Led Zeppelin, rolling stones and other bands that
pionnered that type of sound in the 60's and 70's..
and the artist of that period.owe a debt
to orginal blues recording of Robert johnson
and others..in the 1930's and 1940's.

Your Theory that only new stuff is good
is stupid and has no logic..you must
a very assholey like personallity..I can tell
just by reading your comments on your web page..

All modern martials artist..owe a debt to the
styles of fighting that have developed over
1,000 years..

I see you are big fan of fighting games..but
have no concept of what martials arts
is all about..it's about respect
(for the past), and present, discpline..and harmony
wtih your chi..

I can tell by your comments that you have
a reallly low weak chi level..especially in
the brain department..

well probably none of what I said..is going
to change your mind, or the way u think.
most jerks..are just jerks..and will always be
that..

-Retro Gamer..


WE REPLIED, SAYING WE WERE 18 YEARS OLD.


I figured you were young..

just from the comments on your web site..

umm.. from the way you talk.. you are
from england??

what does innit, mad and blood mean??

I mean besides blood being the red blood
in your body..

No, not all the graphics..were green..

that was on the apple IIe..

I didn't own an apple, I had commodore 64...

ever play grand theft auto vice city??
that boot up screen in the begining is a commodore
64 boot screen..from way back in the day..

well I am currently living in massachusetts, usa
live in a small town 30 miles south of boston.

I'm 34, I do non linear video editing, on the
computer,
web site design, and custom computer graphics,

Hey I learned a lot of my computer skills on
those old..machines..and have served me well..
I make anywhere from 50 - 125$ an hour..

I picked up most of my comptuer skills on
the amiga.. I have a killer non linear editor
run on one of those old machiens you are
bashing...here' s a pic of my Old school
editor workstation..I still use it this day for work
adn some fun stuff.

Don't get me wrong I am not super rich..

I just don't work very much for my money,
leaves me lots of spare time..to pursue my
hobbies..retro gameing, martial arts.. and
bikeing..(mountain..not motorocycle..),chess,
and new games..revenge of sith for ps2
is off the hook defeintlay worth the 50$, waiting for
resident evil 4..damnnit.they only released it on the
game cube..but a playstation 2 port is coming by
the end of the year..

-Don

hey this will crack you up..

I can remeber when the internet was text!!!!
no graphics...

umm you were like not born yet..

well tell me a litlte bit about yourself..
if you want too..

take it easy..

sorry I went so postal on you in that
first e-mail..postal is an american
term for going like spaz.. but your
web site..really is un cool..

-Don


WE REPLIED, SAYING GTA WAS "BEST" AND OLD GAMES WERE RUBBISH BECAUSE THEY TOOK A WHOLE DAY TO LOAD


Your not getting the point..

the people who made grand theft auto vice
city put a commodore 64 load screen on
the begining of the game to pay homage
to that great old machine...Do u have a vice
city??? or played it..it has a brief blue screen..
in the beging..that rockstar put in there
on purpose..these are people that make
your brand new spanky graphcis..games
obivously they know that they owe everyting
that they are doing today, becasue of the
advancment of older technology in the past
20 years..the c-64 is one of the machines
that u blatantly bash on your website..

I bet a lot of programmers at rockstar must
at one time started there coding on c-64's..

With the new emulators today..the old games
load 1500% to 2000% faster..what used
to take 5 minutes to load when I was 10 years
old now loads..in 5 seconds..

They also even look a little better.than
they did back then..becasue the computer
monitors of today..are of higher resoultion
than they were back then..

The younger generation of today..just don't
have any patience or respect..
obivsouly from the comments on your
website.. I mean some of it is not your
fault..you were just born in the generation
of super fast computers..and ps2 and xbox
and such..and those are you expectations..

When I was growing up.. My 1st computer
didn't even have a disk drive or a hard drive..
The first setup I had was a tape deck..data
drive.. I had to put the cassette in hit play
and 60 minutes later the program wouldd
be loaded into the computer..

I love new games..and am really good at them..
I would love to play you in Tekken 4..and pound
the bejesus out of you..just to show you a thing
or two..

I just don't understand your hatred of old games..
it's just..i don't know..mind boggling and
disrespectful..

I mean..do u think the same thing..
of a 1972 corvette sting ray??

Yeah new games are better looking..
but with all that fancy graphics..and sound
something has been really lost in the translation
of developing of games..

You know , now a days..there is a big push..
of modern programmers who are making
games in the old school style..like they used
to be made..just to bring back the genere..

but I still state 95% of my playstatin 2 games
Once I beat them once, that's it I don't play it
again..I put it on the shelf.. Old games. U can
play those over and over again..

You just grew up in a diffeernet world
then the one my generatrion grew up..

Your just not getting the point..everyting
in the future owes a debt to the past..
this applies to many many things..

Martial arts.. moderen game technology..
music..etc..

-Don

p.s. u never answerd my question on
what does innit? blood and mad mean??

are u from englad? is the UK england??

must been napping during my world history
class..


THIS IS THE PHOTO DONALD SENT US OF HIS 'SET UP':



There has been no further contact.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "Just a bit rubbish. There'll be another one along in a minute."

HOW VIDEO GAME DEVELOPMENT HAS PROGRESSED OVER THE LAST 20 YEARS
Like everything else, it's now almost entirely about bald men in rooms looking at PowerPoint slides presented by Asian businessmen.

(fig a) Progress in the video game industry. Note serious use of word "penetrating". If you can't use the word "penetrating" without laughing a bit, this is not the career path for you.

MORE INTERESTING CAREERS THAN WORKING IN VIDEO GAME DEVELOPMENT THESE DAYS:

Being the man who stands in the toilet at posh pubs handing out paper towels.

Checking that the paper clips are OK.

Lint Inspector.

Deputy Carpet Examiner.

Being the woman who folds the boxes shut on the production line.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "We took a photo of the Gizmondo section in HMV. Then we couldn't think of anything funny to say about it. It's that simple."

GIZMONDO'S GOT FIFA ON IT, INNIT
Yeah, this will save poor little Gizmondo. OR... this is like SEGA saying today that it's done a deal to put Wayne Gretsky Hockey 2002 on Dreamcast and expecting everyone to start buying it all of a sudden.

Or is this just more proof that Gizmondo's an elaborate hoax?

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "From July, when Miss Sharapova was announced as the star of Virtua Tennis World Tour on PSP. It was the usual excuse to stick up pictures of her and her lovely bits, but it didn't turn out that... funny."

LEGITIMATE NEWS ABOUT MARIA SHARAPOVA
She's OFFICIALLY in PSP Virtua Tennis World Tour. Now we can upload EVERY PICTURE OF MARIA SHARAPOVA ON THE WHOLE INTERNET to celebrate, along with exclusive first impressions about how various bits of Maria might appear in the game.

THIS IS HER ARSE FROM REALLY CLOSE (this same arse will appear in Virtua Tennis, although we imagine it'll be a bit less rounded. ARSE SCORE: 9/10):

THESE ARE HER SWEATY TITS (they might look a bit like this in PSP Virtua Tennis World Tour thanks to the power of Sony's PSP! TITS SCORE: 8/10):

SHE HAS WIDE SHOULDERS LIKE A MODEL (She is strong, so you'll only need to press the button quickly to do a powerful shot, probably. SHOULDERS SCORE: 8/10):

SHE HAS LONG THIN LEGS LIKE A MODEL AND VERY SEXY FEET (Her legs are bound to be included in PSP Virtua Tennis, otherwise she'd be at a distinct disadvantage to other players. LEG SCORE: 8/10):

THIS IS HER HAIR (You won't be able to spunk in it, which is sadly what also happens in real life. HAIR SCORE: 6/10):

So there you have it! Proof of... of... nothing. We had fun finding the photos, that's all that counts.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "Ensign Teela steps up to the keyboard again, with the obvious train of thought being: I FOUND SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET > I SHALL DO AN UPDATE ABOUT IT. He's not going to be happy when he sees this, but we'll tell him at least it went on the 'main page' eventually so he should be pleased."

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ "AMAZON WISH LISTS" ANY MORE?



...because if so, can we have this one?

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "Something we got sent. The problem with doing updates with stuff you get emailed is you don't know where the person sending you got it from. If he's just stolen the images off Engadget, then we'll look all shit and amateur. If you're going to email us stuff for use in updates, always say where you got it from, and preferably send us something you've 'done yourself'."

PSP DEVELOPMENTS -- SOME SEGA FANS STILL ALIVE
This is some kind of weird kit that some UNSTABLE LUNATIC has made to make Master System controllers work on Sony's beautifully hackable PSP.



Oh, and there's also a Dreamcast VMU emulator for PSP here [LINK HAS DIED SINCE UPDATE WAS WRITTEN], made by some GERMAN men that have just catapulted themselves into the internet's Top Ten list of Hardcorest Ultra Geeks by making it. Sega fans don't ever die, they just start existing in a really weird bubble on the internet where Sega still RULEZ.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "This was a joke about getting bored of seeing the Frag Dolls everywhere, because they WERE EVERYWHERE. Fortunately, we realised that moaning about the Frag Dolls being everywhere via an update about the Frag Dolls would've only further exposed the world to the Frag Dolls and made it worse.

Also, the red lettering was, perhaps, a bit... harsh. We need to start being nicer to girls to avoid that 'dying alone' thing."

HOW LONG UNTIL WE GET BORED OF HEARING ABOUT THE UK FRAG DOLLS?
About another 15 minutes.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "This was a joke about... something... that Ensign Teela did around the anniversary of John Lennon's death. He even said "It's not very funny" when saying he'd done it. That's a bad sign."

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN JOHN LENNON DIED?

Playing Harrier Attack*. We were going REALLY BLOODY FAST too, not like the pussy in this screenshot. We would also have been holding the 0 button down and flying straight into the aircraft carrier, blasting a tunnel straight through it and leaving its top half comically floating in mid-air.



*Not really. It was a lie. Harrier Attack didn't even come out until 1983. We were just trying to cheer everyone up.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "This would've been a great update! Only we chickened out of using it as it was a bit rude about Xbox 360, and we were trying to be nice about Xbox 360 in the run-up to its launch. It's probably just about OK to upload this now, as long as it's scrolled off the bottom of the page by the time all the important people who complain about stuff like this go back to work next week."

MICROSOFT TROTS OUT OLDEST CLICHE IN BOOK FOR XBOX 360 LAUNCH

They're using that one about dinners in pill form, hover cars and robots to illustrate the future. You remember, the one Jesus used in THE BIBLE.

The thing that annoys us most about this is the "free-thinking new media agency" who made this email were probably paid at least ten grand for doing something we could do (a) better, (b) in ten minutes, and (c) for fifty quid, a copy of Gotham 3 and a pat on the head and being told we're a good boy.

THE UKR MARKETING COPYWRITING CHALLENGE!
If you'd like some actually good copy written for marketing purposes, just ask us and we'll email you something good back the next day for free.

Just tell us what it's about and what your demographic is and if we're allowed to swear or make jokes about taking heroin or not. All we ask for in return is a free one of whatever it is you're marketing. Let's put the useless marketing charlatans out of business -- once and for all!

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "This really did happen. We have a vast collection of unintelligible notes, recording 'ideas' long since forgotten. And mobile phone predictive text chucking in the wrong word here and there just makes it worse. This text message note appeared on our phone, and we have no clue what it's supposed to mean. It's not really enough to form a whole update -- except in REJECTED IDEA WEEK when anything goes!"

PREDICTIVE TEXT 'SEGA IDEA' TRANSLATION CHALLENGE
The following 'idea' for something to do was written in predictive text and saved on our phone. We don't remember what it's about or means.

"Front line 2 reha saved"

CLUE: "reha" is obviously meant to be Sega. Please help translate this, it might be something really funny we could do about Sega!

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "We got sent a link to a site about a Korean RPG called 'Yogurting'. Yes, Yogurting! Despite the awesome raw materials we couldn't think of anything to do with it. Apart from this, which doesn't count."

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT A GAME CALLED 'YOGURTING'
Not sure what yet, but it's a Korean RPG that's got sex in it so there's a lot of potential.

We'll have a think. The best we've got so far is registering yogurting.com and making it a place where women who want to be spunked over ("Steve totally yogurted me last night, Jane") go to meet willing men. Let us know if anything funny occurs to you.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "We wrote this shortly before realising the Nintendo DS is actually the SAVIOUR OF ALL VIDEO GAMES and also that Nintendo is OUR NEW GOD. Still, we put the effort in so might as well use it now."

NINTENDO DS AND AMERICA -- STILL STUCK IN THE 1980s
The old 'good versus evil' advertising scheme is rolled out once again, to help promote the Nintendo DS in the irony free land of America. How clever. How original. How UTTERLY TIRESOME AND USELESS!

She's "always in control" and likes "top and bottom" which is obviously a rubbish attempt at sounding sexy. This is the least sexy photo of a woman pretending to be sexy we've ever seen. Don't look at us, look at the screens. THE SCREENS.

Another cringe-worthy attempt at talking dirty. "Two is better than one" -- we're probably supposed to think that she might be talking about PENISES there. So what, Nintendo DS is for the gays?

SOME MORE RUBBISH "SEXY TALK" FOR NINTENDO TO USE IN FUTURE CAMPAIGNS

"FREE MANUAL included"

"WIPE my POSITION"

"Use TWO STYLUSES"

"I'm compatible with OTHER SYSTEMS"

"I like it in EVERY SLOT"

"I like to DO IT VIA THE NETWORK"

"You don't need BATTERIES to have a good time"

And so on

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

etc

*Presses knife into skin to block out pain*

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "An all-round poor effort. Come back in five minutes and we'll upload a better one from our 'Saved As Draft' list of stuff too rubbish to use properly."

INFINITELY BORING SUDOKU GAME

Infinitely bored?

Then spend the rest of your life in front of a computer (we're way ahead of you on this one, so far in fact that we'll probably never be caught) playing an "infinite number" of Sudoku number puzzles.



WHAT IS SUDOKU?
Sudoku is a game that's about as much fun as installing updated drivers for your scanner, then realising you downloaded the wrong driver pack and have to reinstall your old ones again from a floppy disc you've got somewhere but aren't sure exactly where. And now it goes on for INFINITE TIME. Imagine that. No, DON'T. Think about something else, quick, otherwise you'll get scared and won't be able to sleep, like when you were small and thought about what happens when you die and then got scared and had an asthma attack.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "This was just a boring 'news' thing that wasn't particularly interesting or funny. It was the week of the UK Nintendogs launch, and we had other, better Nintendogs updates to do."

RUBBISH GAME BOY CASH-IN OF THE WEEK -- "POCKET DOGS"
What an amazing coincidence! Some other company has had the idea of making a game about cute puppies too! It's almost as if they've seen a successful thing, then decided to copy it as quickly as possible!

"Featuring actual photos of playful dogs, Pocket Dogs lets players interact with one of eight lovable pets on their Game Boy Advance. Conversations and interactions vary depending upon the pet selected and player input, so interaction in truly individualized.

"Available breeds include Pug, Chihuahua, and Shih Tzu, and by playing mini games players can win jewels which may be used to purchase items for their canine companion and decorate its living space."

WHAT IT WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY BE LIKE:
An extremely unsatisfactory collection of barely interactive mini games that have already been done better, for free, on the internet. THE CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "We got emailed a link to a dating site aimed at video gamers. HILARIOUSLY, there was only one person registered on it at the time. There are now three people registered on it, which isn't quite so funny. You should all sign up. That's a thing to do for a while."

"WE HAVE 1 REGISTERED USER"
So says the amazingly apt forum at Single Gamers, which is someone's new idea for a web site.

"Welcome to Single Gamers!" the owner posts. Replies: 0. At least he only wasted the money on a cheap .co.uk domain name.

Welcome to "Rejected Idea Week"! All this week we'll be uploading all the rubbish, half-finished ideas we never got around to doing properly or making funny. As such, it won't be a very good week, but hey, it's still better than Christmas TV.

WEBMASTER COMMENTARY: "This was to be a simple joke about internet 'personality tests'. It was never used due to fears of browser incompatibility issues. There's supposed to be a button to press, and when you press it it should pop up a pop-up saying 'Yes'. It works on many levels, particularly the 'no one loves me' internet user level. It probably doesn't work on the Firefox or Opera levels, sadly."

AM I A SICK DISGUSTING WEIRDO?

Take the test:



How did you score? Post your results in the Comments field!

Jingle never bloody bastard well showed up in Animal Crossing Wild World.

A quick search of the Gamefaqs forums informed us that Nintendo have dummied him from the game code.

Christmas was ruined.



The PC-Nazis claim another victim. OFF TO THE CONCENTRATION CAMPS WITH YOU, JINGLE! YOUR SORT AREN'T WELCOME AROUND HERE!

A Christmas Story
For all the disappointed children

Marcus Popwell was used to getting his own way. An only child, he never wanted for anything. Everything was always there when he wanted it, how he wanted it, and often even if he didn't really want it and just demanded it. He was a spoiled child, and everyone knew it.

This year, though, things were going to be a little bit different for Marcus.

~~~~~

There was a buzz around the country, a feeling of excitement. The SuperBox 180 was the hottest gift, and boy, was it ever hard to get hold of!

Adverts had been placed in local papers by desperate parents prepared to pay twice the recommended retail price to secure one as a gift, men of dubious morals were stealing them to sell on, and despite assurances by BoxCorp that more SuperBox 180s would appear in toy shops across the country in time for Christmas, none were to be found. Anywhere!

Why, poor little Tom Hoodvale had been looking forward to getting a SuperBox 180 for six months! His Christmas gift was instead to be some new clothes! New blooming clothes!

Sarah Ludham had been planning on buying one for her 11-year-old boy Colin, only to be disappointed -- and to spend Colin's Christmas money allocation on buying the poor boy some new shoes for school! Shoes, I ask you! Shoes for Christmas! Whoever heard of such cruelty to children?

Mark Winkleton had been leaving hints around the house for three months, only for his disappointed parents to fail to find one for sale and spend their Christmas savings on new curtains and cushions for Mark's room. It would be a Christmas he would never remember!

There were to be a lot of disappointed children that year, and one particularly angry and selfish child stood out from the rest.

~~~~~

"I want it, I want it, I want it!" screamed Marcus, in a voice much too loud for the time of year and rather aggressive for a boy who really ought to be nicer when requesting presents.

"I want it!"

He was, of course, referring to the SuperBox 180. And you could hardly blame him for wanting one -- it was being advertised constantly on the wireless, with tales of it's "super graphics" and "lifelike sounds" wowing children across the country and sending demand spiralling higher still.

"I want one! I NEED one!" spat Marcus, now very red in the face, for approximately (according to the remembrance of his poor mother), the 100th time in the first weeks of December alone.

"Well, Marcus, I'm afraid Father Christmas might not be able to find a SuperBox this year. They're awfully hard to get hold of" she said, scrubbing away at last night's dinner plates.

"But I said I wanted one in SEPTEMBER! That's enough bloody notice!"

"Yes, but lots of other children want one too. And let's not even mention the expense. They're two hundred and eighty shillings! How is poor Santa supposed to afford thousands and thousands of SuperBoxes for children all at once?"

"I don't care! My crew is coming round to play on MY SuperBox 180 on Christmas day! I've already said I'm getting one, so... I'd better get one!"

"Your crew?" said mum. "You mean Simon and Christopher?"

"Yes! We're a clan. Simon is now called Si-copath, and Chris is only known as Kill-stopher. That's how you should refer to them from now on."

"Do you have a clan name, Marcus?" his mother asked, spoiling her son once again with attention.

"Yes! My name is 'Mark of Death' that's what you should call me when Simon and... when the DEATHWALKERS come round on Christmas day"

"That's nice. And what else does 'Mark of Death' want for Christmas this year?"

"You KNOW what I want" shouted Marcus, "a SuperBox 180 and NOTHING ELSE!"

His mother smiled, knowing that children often demand things too expensive or too impractical for Christmas. They're not to know the politics of supply and demand, or even the basics of running a household on a limited wage.

No, Marcus wouldn't be getting the SuperBox 180 this year. It was too expensive and had sold out anyway -- no doubt many other parents had been spending too much money on their own spoilt children!

"We shall see" said mother. "We shall see".

~~~~~

Several days earlier, in fact, the decision had already been made. Marcus was not going to get his SuperBox 180. He was getting a PortaGAME Twin Screen.

"One-third of the price, madam! A steal at only 99 shillings!"

"OK, and what about the games? The... tapes and discs?" asked his mother, already resigned to making the purchase.

"No need to worry, ma'am! It comes with one game already included in the package, so there's no further expense on your part."

"And what is the name of the game it comes with?" asked mother, not really paying attention but asking to be polite and show an interest.

"Fluffy Pups"

~~~~~

"FLUFFY PUPS?"

It was 8:45am on Christmas day. Marcus thought the box was a bit light to be a SuperBox 180, but eagerly ripped it open first anyway.

"FLUFFY PUPS?"

"Yes, Marcus! It's the game it comes with! Is it a good one? The man in the shop said it was a good one."

"FLUFFY PUPS? I wanted Driving Ninjas on the SuperBox!"

"Well, they didn't have any SuperBoxes, and the man in the shop said..."

"I hate you!" shouted Marcus, and off he ran to the safety of his bedroom.

Christmas was ruined.

At this point, your author feels it convenient to point out all the other ways Christmas had been ruined over the years in the Popwell household.

Last Christmas was ruined because Marcus didn't care for the Hollywood DVD he had been given. The Christmas prior to that was ruined by Marcus refusing to eat his Christmas dinner, after secretly eating all his chocolate presents for breakfast.

Prior to that Christmas was ruined in spectacular fashion by Marcus deciding the Christmas tree needed candles on it, like the Christmas trees on television.

And so, as it was before, Christmas was ruined again.

"Never again! Why do we even bother?" his mother said to his father, still in bed on Christmas morning, listening to the sobbing, sulking sounds coming from Marcus' bedroom.

"I don't know" said father.

"I mean, it's not like we didn't try."

"I know" said father.

"You can't even BUY the SuperBox thing! And it's nearly 300 shillings. We can't afford that, can we?"

"Not really" said father.

The sound of crashing came through the wall. It was Marcus throwing something at his bedroom door. Probably the poor little PortaGAME Twin Screen.

~~~~~

"FLUFFY PUPS?"

It was Christopher and Simon, or Si-copath and Kill-stopher, if you really must humour them, who had lived up to their threat of popping around to Marcus' house on Christmas afternoon. Of course, they referred to it as "hanging out" and called his house his "crib" but the fact is they arrived. And they were not impressed by Christmas at the Popwells!

"Ha ha ha! What the fuck is that?!" laughed Christopher, kicking the PortaGAME's box across the floor.

"Fluffy Pups? Is that like an 'Ooh, I'm stroking my puppy' game" asked Simon, who was actually correct in his assumption.

"I don't know. I'm taking it back" said Marcus. "I hate it and haven't even loaded it" he added, kicking the box himself.

And so they all kicked the PortaGAME Twin Screen's box. Kicked it from the lounge to the kitchen, kicked it half-way up the stairs, kicked it against the wall and up into the air. If the aim of the box was to be an entertaining game in its own right, it sure lived up to expectations!

Anyway, after an hour of kicking the box they got bored of that and started playing Fluffy Dogs on the PortaGAME because there was nothing else to do or on telly and they weren't old enough to know about wanking.

They realised it was really quite a good game, even though it looked a bit gay, so they played it for five hours. And Marcus? Well, he bought himself a SuperBox 180 in six months time when BoxCorp started practically giving them away because everyone had started buying the GameBase3 instead.

The moral of this story is something like you should give everything a go, and not just buy things because everyone else is. "Be true to yourself!" as Sonic Team would probably have Amy say at the end.

THE END

~~~~~

It's about cake and being platonic friends with men! It's for all (three of) our female readers, a kind of olive branch of peace at this special time of year.

After all, if it wasn't for a girl (Mary) getting so drunk she didn't know who knocked her up, we wouldn't be able to spend ten days off work eating sweets! Girls rock!

PROCEED TO THE CHRISTMAS JOKE.

ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FOR MEN:
Keep the bitches in a box until New Year.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)

...for Gizmondo, at least.



We hope Santa got our letter! (the one about us cutting his face if he gives us a Gizmondo)

One "go" lasts for an hour and a half when you're good, and you've sat there perfectly still listening to whooshing techno sounds and feeling happy. For an HOUR AND A HALF! Great music, bright, loud and lovely, it's the best demonstration of "happy gaming" we've ever seen. Playing it feels like being drunk and dancing and popular! Thinking about it now is making us happy! Look! We're doing exclamation marks!!



Did you read our review and extremely frightening Lumines fan fiction? We really went overboard on this one. Because it's the best game of 2005, according to us and out of the ones we played.

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT 2005

Since 'completing' Lumines, we haven't played any other PSP games. They're all a bit boring. Even the thrill of getting them to boot off Memory Stick doesn't make playing inferior versions of PS2 franchises very appealing.

Stay tuned for our "New Year's Apologies List" in which we'll be fully apologising to everyone for everything we did (and some things we didn't) throughout 2005.

And if we're REALLY bored next week, we might make it "Rejected Ideas" week, in which we upload all the half-finished updates we've got that we never got around to finishing off. It's Christmas, no one will be reading, and if anyone is reading they'll be too drunk to care.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

We got a Christmas card from EA! Not directly, obviously, but from someone popular with EA who got it, laughed at it, then forwarded it on to us. So we're forwarding it on to you.

"Santa looks like a failed mascot from the 16bit era. It's too horrible for words. Christmas is dead." he said. A Christmas sentiment we can all agree with.

FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: MERRY CHRISTMAS!



The only corporate Christmas card we got this year was from Rockstar, which sent out a very nice three-dimensional Christmas tree complete with bad taste bauble stickers to decorate it with. Thanks, Rockstar. Thanks for not remembering to take us off your list like everyone else did this year.

The same old "Collect things!" play that made Animal Crossing such a hit on Gamecube, only tweaked so you simply cannot stop playing it. You have to walk your dogs, else you might miss an item. You have to feed your dogs in the morning, because if your dogs get hungry and sad they might not get you good presents in the evening. Amazing Nintendo mind control. This sounds so shit and only for children/girls, but it really isn't.



We liked it so much we splashed out on a domain name to make jokes about it.

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT 2005

We've only just got Animal Crossing Wild World on import, so will maybe put it in next year's list. It's shaping up well so far!

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

NOT JUST BECAUSE WE LOVE ANYTHING BY SEGA! It's a genuine evolution of the 2D Sonic play, with the tricking and boosting giving you permanent access to Super Sonic speed and making replaying levels with your enhanced trick skills a pleasure. You get better at tricking, you earn more boost, you run faster and get better still. It's still getting better each time we play it, and we've played it SHIT LOADS.



More Sonic, better Sonic. And shit! We didn't even mention the hot music that's like the Jet Set Radio music, OR the brilliant stylus-based bonus round, OR that Blaze is a very good character, OR that Cream's in it.

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT 2005

We tried to play an MMORPG for the first time this year. It was rubbish and extremely boring. We already instinctively knew it would be, but it was nice to get proper confirmation.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Yeah, everyone's being ironic and saying this is the best Xbox 360 launch game as a joke -- but it really actually is! It's an incredible "high score" shooter, one that also ranks you online against other players making it competitive beyond belief. All you do is rotate and shoot, but the range of enemies and speed of play is incredible.

It's like 3D never happened and games are still about precise control and skill and fun!



Our best high score so far is 520,035 which is very fucking awesome and our Gamertag is OXM Zorg if you want to check we're not lying.

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT 2005

It's been the worst year for games since 2001, when Sega stopped really bothering and we were lumbered with first-generation PS2 shite. If it wasn't for the Nintendo DS the year would've been the worst year for gaming since records began -- and we nearly didn't bother getting a DS at all. So thanks, Nintendo! You're not the enemy any more! You literally saved 2005.

We never got round to getting God of War. Chances are we wouldn't have liked it as much as everyone else because it would've been like Ninja Gaiden only different and therefore worse.

We haven't got confused -- this list is SUPPOSED to start at number four, because we can only think of four really decent games we played this year. And we must've played at least 50.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

This is an "Xbox 360 Brand Film"!

In it, people popular with youths -- or people Microsoft thinks are popular with youths -- read scripted segments of dialogue about how Xbox 360 lets you "watch your photos of b-boys and breakers, and also your honeys" (ACTUAL QUOTE!).

Here are a few grabs of the "Xbox 360 Brand Film". Download the whole movie at the bottom:




We're not going to rip the piss out of this break-dancing, DJ-scratching, pikey-movie too much -- it really would be too easy. Maybe we'll do a proper piss-ripping update in a year or two, once the Xbox 360 launch heat's died down a bit.




Here, a man talks about Xbox 360. For some reason, there's another man break-dancing in the background. Is this what teenagers do these days?




This man is a skateboarder. He calls Xbox 360 a playground.




This is jail-bait MC Lady Sovereign saying "I'm well excited man, yeah" (those were her ACTUAL WORDS!). She also says "I like racing games and beat em ups". This is so urban.




Then a youth starts break-dancing in front of an Xbox 360 logo, as some scratching DJ plays a track that goes "Yo, yo, y-y-yo" over the top. It's like an Ali G rip-off!




This man, Tim Watkins, says putting stickers on his Xbox 360 symbolises "human energy". Which is an amazing coincidence, as "human energy" was also one of Microsoft's key marketing phrases it outlined at the Xbox 360 unveiling at E3!




This is pro footballer Shaun Wright-Philips deadpanning "The Xbox 360 is all about control" (those were his ACTUAL WORDS.)




Then there's loads more skateboarding, with the camera zooming in and out really quickly. Teenagers love all that shit!




"When I go away with England and with Chelsea we normally just carry them, we put them in our bags, and we're on it for a couple of hours" OBVIOUSLY LIES Shaun Wright-Philips while playing FIFA 06 on Xbox 1!




This is someone else break-dancing in front of an Xbox 360 logo. Youth culture is now totally bewildering to us. And, we suspect, to whoever made this film.




Our "main job" involves sometimes having to look people from Microsoft in the eyes. It's going to be hard after seeing this :(




Download the WORST FILM EVER here [2.9MB WMV file].

DOWNLOAD ADVICE:
This is a big file, which will probably break the web site if everyone downloads it all now in the next five minutes. So we suggest people with surnames starting with the letters A to K download it today, and people with surnames from L to Z download it tomorrow.

Also, if you're in an office, maybe only one person could download it and make everyone gather round, instead of everyone downloading it individually? It would really help. And can all people from America wait until the weekend, please? It's very "UK urban" and you won't really understand if it's serious or a joke, like everything we do. Thank you.

It's true, look. In Japan, Edge is just a magazine about motorbikes and cars. Thanks to reader ColonelThunders for this information. We've already ordered the entire back catalogue so we can strew them around our flat and when we wake up each morning, just for that one delicious moment before we realise who we are and what's really happening, we can pretend that the last ten years didn't happen.

Solve all those arguments about which review Edge got the most wrong with the Edge Online Reviews Database!



See how Gunstar Heroes only got a six! Recoil in horror at the Edge collective only thinking Saturn Sega Rally was an eight! Laugh a bit then feel sad about Virtua Cop being given seven! Feel SICK TO THE FUCKING CORE at Virtua Fighter 4 only getting a FUCKING SEVEN as well! It's all in there. It's all shameful.

Kong is back! Check it out in all its high-definition glory:



Kong's new "Super Rage" attack devastates the beautiful neon-lit streets of Las Vegas!




New playable character Amy Kong with her sexy pink fur and red shoes is a beauty to behold!




Kong gatecrashes the party at the Venetian hotel!

UBISOFT SPOKESMAN JOEY DEACON CONFIRMED THE NEWS TO THE BBC:
BBC NEWS | TV glitch mars Xbox 360 Kong game

They've sold ANOTHER ONE!



Riotous scenes in downtown Shinjuku!

A sensational debut at number 5 in the Gamespress "Most Downloaded" assets list, which means everyone's ALREADY excited about OutRun 2006 on PS2, PSP and PC and wants to read about it!



And that's JUST THE PRESS RELEASE AND LOGO! It'll easily get to number 1 when the screenshots go up. ROUND 1 TO SEGA!

ABOUT GAMESPRESS:
Gamespress is the site where people who make magazines get their news and screenshots from. Without Gamespress, there would... OH GOD IT'S TOO HORRIBLE TO CONTEMPLATE. It would involve sometimes having to use the telephone, let's just leave it at that.

Special report for eight people who might care, from our "Man in Japan" (it took us a week to think up that clever way of describing our Japanese correspondent).



Excellent news for fans of Sega/Sammy, 2D fighting games and watching Channel 4 while piss-drunk at two in the morning. Sega's Fist of the North Star is here, and it doesn't suck! Even though a Fist of the North Star game that doesn't suck probably violates some kind of international law, let's take a look at it.



It plays well, and to make it more Fist-ey they've implemented the Guilty Gear instant kill system only now you have to wear your opponent down before it'll work. That's good.



Overall score: David Bowie out of ten.

They've already sold one!



This puts it several months ahead of schedule.

So we're told by someone we trust and believe (not with our life, but definitely with Sega news). That's the entire story. We can't even think of a joke about it or a reason why Sega's pretending it isn't. But there you go. A short factual piece. Here's a screenshot of OutRun2 on Xbox from last year, because looking at OutRun2 makes us happy:



Happy days will be here again! (March, 2006).

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Now known as OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast. Breathless, neverending, constant, unbelievably bias, childlike, innocent, loving and tender 24/7 coverage coming soon!



This is reason number one to "keep going" through the winter.


OUTRUN 2006: COAST 2 COAST DRIFTS ONTO PSP, PLAYSTATION 2 AND PC

Ferrari License Brings 12-car Line-up to Classic Arcade Racer

LONDON & SAN FRANCISCO (December 8th, 2005) - SEGA(r) Europe Ltd. and SEGA(r) of America, Inc. can exclusively announce OutRun 2006: Coast 2 Coast, the latest instalment in the iconic OutRun series, will appear on the PlayStation(r)2 computer entertainment system and PSP(tm) portable entertainment system for the very first time! OutRun 2006: Coast to Coast is set for release in March 2006 giving a new legion of gamers the opportunity to experience the thrills of this hugely popular franchise.

The enchanting draw of the open road has never been so appealing with the choice of one of 12 fully licensed Ferrari models, featuring the all-new F430 and the dazzling Superamerica. Gamers will feel the throaty whine and that distinctive Ferrari exhaust tone as they power their way across 30 glorious stages from the best of the OutRun2 original, and the new OutRun2 SP arcade experience. Race from coast to glorious coast with a fresh new mission structure, a license mode and online play with up to 6 players for a thrilling head-to-head journey.

"Amazing Ferraris, incredible courses, beautiful girls - and all available on Sony's PSP and PlayStation 2," commented Matt Woodley, Creative Director of SEGA. "The only thing you'll be asking for is another go!"

With platform specific missions, the player will also be able to unlock PSP exclusive content by connecting with the PS2 version, and vice versa. Stack up the OutRun miles from the sun-drenched sands of Palm Beach to the charms of Cape Way to unlock new tracks, cars and much more! With a girlfriend by your side and open country before you, which route will you take?

OutRun 2006: Coast 2 Coast is being developed by UK developers, Sumo Digital Ltd, the team responsible for the critically acclaimed OutRun 2. OutRun 2006: Coast-2-Coast is scheduled for release in March 2006 for PS2/PSP/PC. For more information on these and other SEGA titles, please visit www.sega-europe.com

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Certain "industry" people often suggest pirated games can damage your games console and can contain secret hidden porn that'll turn your children into sex monsters.

This is a lie! A UKR spokesman (us) said (here and now) "most pirated games do work, usually are the full thing and a copied game has NEVER damaged any games machine we've ever owned". We then went on to add "We've never found any secret porn *SAD SMILEY FACE* and it's all just a big lie to scare parents into paying 50 quid for games in the run-up to Christmas".



These sick lies about piracy MUST STOP.

THE TRUTH ABOUT PIRACY:

Not pirating games is COSTING YOU MONEY.

Pirated games usually do work.

You don't fund terrorism by downloading games yourself through, say, Bittorrent, via, say, Torrentspy.com, then burning them to DVD with, say, DVD Decrypter set in, say, Write Mode.

At worst piracy only funds the bloke you bought it off, who will spend the money on a new graphics card or more blank DVDs.

If pirated games are rubbish, it doesn't really matter!

The reason non-pirated games are so expensive is because everyone's a GREEDY CAPITALIST PIG who wants a better car - and YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT.

Widespread piracy among the poor means they have more money to spend on alcohol and cigarettes, shaving up to 10 years from their life expectancy -- saving the taxpayer money in the long run.

Buying pirate games from market stalls helps keep Britain's dying markets alive, helping us hold on to our national identity in these ever changing times.

If piracy is so bad, how come companies are allowed to make DVD writers and sell blank DVDs?

Making the 50 Cent game available for free will greatly affect its profitability, thus making the prospect of a sequel less likely.

Downloading games yourself funds things like paying your Council Tax, which is a good thing!

The only victims of piracy are shops that think it's OK to charge 50 quid for a new game (Tesco, Call of Duty 2 on Xbox 360).

If you have any more "good things about piracy" please post them in the Comments bit (you have to be registered to post, which is a vain attempt to stop people posting porn, gay porn, Nazi porn and gay Nazi porn at the bottom of every article).

Hello to UK:R special friend Heather Kelley, level designer for Ubisoft and winner of a recent contest to design a sex game. Heather walked away with the title by challenging the idea that a sex game had to be about intercourse. This she did by designing a DS game where the player pets a little blue bunny in order to learn how to masturbate.



The aim of the game is to poke, caress and stroke Lapis The Bunny and observe its reactions until it reaches a state of "Perfect Lappiness." Or, as we like to say, to "Cream The Rabbit."

Blue skies: check. Rabbits and rainbows and happiness: check. Wanking: check. Never before has a game reminded us of our childhoods in such a completely creepy way! By the way, we swear we didn't make this up. You can read Heather's presentation and experience a playable demo here, but you might find the pictures of Tamagotchis, Nintendogs, monkey's arses, Harry Potter and the Cat Bus a bit disturbing. What the hell, though! Ubisoft, publish this game and make this woman a Frag Doll!



BONUS MATERIAL: The only thing better than a story like this is when a real journalist gets hold of it and thinks it's a real game. (Needless spoiler: it's a woman.)

Nothing will ever beat this one, but this one here for new PSP boxing game 'Boxer's Road 4' comes quite close.



There's something so endearing about company heads being forced to join in with promotional activities and photography. He's getting into it, though. You can tell by the look in his eyes. He really believes he can take those bitches out!

Have that, EA! Sega's Condemned: Criminal Origins managed to outsell EVERY Electronic Arts Xbox 360 game when the console launched in the UK last Friday, which MAKES US HAPPY like our medicine from the doctor combined with coffee and alcohol.



Although Condemned isn't really a Sega game in that you're a policeman who hits men with pipes and collects evidence in the dark, not an animal that collects yellow things in a sunny field. Still it's a good start!

NEXT-GENERATION SCORE SO FAR:
Sega 1 (Condemned, week 1) - Electronic Arts 0

...which is presumably why they scored it lower than the original, despite it being BETTER BY MILES.



You're not just limited to drawing patterns on clothes and stuff any more, you know! Now you can cover the whole village in your textures. You can chop down the trees, install a football pitch and put all the animals in the strips of your favourite team. OR! Make brightly coloured chequered textures, and make the whole place look like a level from Sonic The Hedgehog.

Imagine that! Your own personal Green Hill Zone, populated by flickies who live there and want to be your friend and give your presents. And it's snowing. It started snowing yesterday because it's Christmas. Christmas in happy pretend land.

And all that's BEFORE you've even connected it to the internet to find people to come and visit your village and be your friend! Then you can go to the new all-night piano bar and drink loads of coffee and stay up REALLY LATE. It's cheered us up so much that we actually bumped into two people on the way to work today because we were looking at the sky and cheerfully muttering and humming to ourselves.

Animal Crossing Wild World -- It's going-back-to-work-after-lunchtime-completely-sober-TASTIC!

It's called Disco Dream. The idea is you just give your money STRAIGHT TO SEGA by putting it in a slot. This saves Sega money on R&D and marketing, plus you still get that Sega arcade thrill of putting money in a slot and then seeing some bright lights go off in time to music!



Meet you all at the Trocadero tonight then. The campaign for an Xbox 360 version starts NOW. Who wants to be in charge of the internet petition?

SEGA'S REASON FOR MAKING THIS KIND OF THING:
"Sega's promise of diversifying its product range a year or so ago will be evident at this year's (ATEI 2006) show. Its venture into the pusher market was tested at the Preview last year when it showed its 'all singing all dancing' six-player Disco Dream. Then it was shown to gain operator reaction and feedback. The result is a product that has been modified to suit European legalities and operator requests. The game features a massive glitter ball 'Cash Splash' feature, dancing Divas and a multitude of plasma screens and features."

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT DISCO DREAM:

10p slots easily switched to 2p slots for deployment in poor Northern towns.

Uses a modified SUPERSLOT MIKANU MAX-YEN board with two additional on-board coin slots.

Just after midnight on the second of December Microsoft set off a sort of big indoor firework, played the Xbox 360 "Jump In" advert and got a DJ to play "Jump" by Van Halen. We're not commenting on that, not even ironically or satirically, just reporting the bare bones facts of what happened.

Here are the only photos we took that came out OK:



The room was big and dark with men in it.




Then it got lighter. Someone's excited!




Then as has become sadly customary, we got lost going home.




These bottom two are the main road we walked home down after falling asleep on the bus and getting lost in Woolwich. Proportionally speaking, the main road bit was the biggest part of the night and the least fun.

We hope your game sells a million copies, or three million copies, or five million copies, or however many millions of copies it needs to sell to be considered a massive global success.



And thanks for "helping out" with the Dreamcast. Beat you later, losers!

Then all the outsourced Mexican testers can have a merry Christmas and no one gets killed or sued!

JUST TO RECAP:

Don't kill anyone, ever.

Don't even try to shit people up by saying you've got a knife.