UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
A famous person from out of The Golden Compass. The photographer took an uncomfortably large number of pictures of her.

Taken from the goldmine that is the SEGA Europe Flickr account.

She's called Dakota Blue Richards.

And before you start, IMDB says she was born in April of 1994. Which is only a few days before yesterday according to our battered memory. So let's be careful out there.

ACCEPTABLE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT: The funny cup, what she's drinking, if she'd like any more of what she's drinking, the background, her lovely necklace.

ACCEPTABLE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT: How uncomfortable that chair looks, where did she buy that lovely necklace from.

The above two photos are different.
These are the updates that were more of a chore than a pleasure, compiled from various other "news wires" we have dragged down this week:
  • This thing about the appalling 'blending' trend.

  • This thing about a sort of flying Segway, which features all the death/suicide references we're allowed to use in a month.

  • This thing about an invention called a 'Walkstation' which gets treated with the contempt it deserves.

  • This thing about how one thing LOOKS A BIT LIKE another thing, in a pretty standard barrel-scraping update idea from when there was literally no other news around.

  • This thing about a woman getting touched-up by some firemen, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • A textbook Pauline

    Lacking focus and occasionally incoherent. 5/10. Next week's keyword to look out for is 'polygamy'.
    The HMV launch party of that Olympic game was such an exciting occasion that a man had to RUN BACK and get his proper camera, so the event could be captured at the impressive number of megapixels it deserves.

    Here is his photojournal of the exciting event.

    Dick and/or Dom

    EYE WITNESS REPORT: "As I left my place of work for lunch I happened to walk past HMV in Oxford Street."

    Shadow returns :(((((

    "Much to my surprise I saw Sonic and Mario jumping around outside, and having their photos taken with under-age Japanese girls. As I only had my crappy phone with me I ran back to work and got my camera."

    There is a girl inside that costume. We had that fact CONFIRMED

    "When I got back they had gone inside so I went into the store, and at the back of the store were Dick and Dom presenting the launch of Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games."

    Mario: Disabled access required

    "You may notice that Sonic and Mario needed help down the stairs. It would appear that age is finally catching up with them, and in one photo it looks like Mario is..."


    "...about to bum the slightly pregnant lady from Nintendo."

    Sonic, displaying how much dignity he has lost today

    "I am sure you will appreciate that all the photos are in glorious 3072 x 2304 resolution - John."

    Awesome reportage. 10/10.

    "PS: I need to send you two emails, to fit all the photos in."

    Actually it required three separate emails in the end, making the total amount of data sent a stunning 20.2MB - a record for a reader submission.
    The thieving gypsy scum over at Micro Direct are charging 352 quid for the standard pack. With no free games. This would appear to be a new global record for shamelessness.

    Nintendo is holding you down and keeping your arms out of the way, while Micro Direct is unbuttoning itself and preparing for action.

    Incredibly it is "sold out."
    Dixons has got some Wiis in stock! The only problem is, you have to buy a four-game bundle if you want one - for 350 quid. And one of the games is called 'Smarty Pants'. This is the worst deal currently available on the high street, even including giving all your money to a tramp in return for him giving you cold sores.

    Everyone's doing it. Any company with Wii stock is making a killing right now. It's brutal out there.

    A rape at

    And a couple of these bundles are sold out. People are falling victim to this crime. PS: We were investigating Wii prices and availability in the hope of buying a few to sell on for profit, NOT to buy and own.
    Quite right, Sony. We have never seen such a poor display of second-rate tat shovelled out in the name of entertainment before. Well, maybe the Mega CD launch came close, but let's not go back to that dark place again.

    And here's another bewildering decision - Sony's Christmas PS3 advert. Featuring, as we have come to expect from Sony, NO GAMES AT ALL. This is probably for the best. Showing off the glitchy versions of Assassin's Creed and PES 2008 wouldn't really help much.

    So here are some weird actors in stupid clothes:

    This is pretentious nonsense churned out in the name of advertising like we've never seen before. Two sensational firsts for Team PS3!
    Great news for all PlayStation3 owners this week. The Christmas line-up is ASTONISHING.

    We'll always have 2008

    Delivered with fantastic deadpan seriousness by the ever-amusing straw-clutchers over at Three Speech.
    Combine the life-sapping task that is swapping broadband providers AND the nightmare of having a PlayStation3 - for a Christmas you would rather die during than remember.

    Amazing PS3 deal!

    Imagine spending the most boring week of the year without the internet and only a PS3 for entertainment. That sort of deprivation is illegal in most developed countries.
    This is amazing. A man went to Richard's house, talked to Richard, asked Richard lots of proper questions, then got a very proper photographer to take lots of really good hi-res photos of Richard in which he seems to be wearing make-up.

    This makes us really sad that whenever we've had the opportunity to talk to Richard we have, frankly, pissed it away. And even with the telephoto lens our photos aren't anything like as good as these.

    Richard Jacques EXPOSED

    This featured in UK knob-twiddling music technology mag Future Music. Hopefully, us charitably linking to their web site here will stop them getting arsey and demanding we take this all down.

    Richard Jacques EXPOSED

    FROM THIS MAN: "I went round his house and he's a very nice man. His dining room is full of games and consoles and a big telly. We chatted for ages about games and I ended up writing his life story in the feature - which I found very interesting even if none of our readers do. Wanted to take him to the pub but my photographer was looking bored after the third hour of me saying 'and then what game did you do?!?!???'."

    Richard Jacques EXPOSED

    "His studio is in his attic. I left my notebook behind in my excitement and had to go back 15 minutes later - looking like a complete fool. Daniel."

    Richard Jacques EXPOSED

    There is a line in here where Richard says "the technology that Sony are developing is amazing." Richard Jacques has just been moved, mentally, to a slightly lower pedestal.

    Richard Jacques EXPOSED

    Our Richard Jacques feature is still being worked on. It is an unauthorised piece, and currently stands at approximately 53,000 words and 182 photographs. And 62 hand-drawn illustrations. And a separate book of short stories and fan fiction. And some poems. And his initials carved into our leg with a key.
    We have also done some other things to go on the internet.
  • This thing about broken horses.

  • This thing about airships.

  • This thing about a boring graph illustrating power consumption that you should only read if you're so bored you are literally about to attempt suicide with a hole punch and stapler.

  • This thing about a robot.

  • This thing about avant-garde new-wave European product photography, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Parrot - facing a big bandwidth bill

    This week's output gets a workmanlike 5/10. Next week's keyword to look out for is 'erogenous'.
    If you happen to be in Bristol, you may break down in tears in public for reasons other than having to be in Bristol.

    Mr Tomato

    FROM HENRY: "There's a shop in Bristol called Mr Tomato. It reminded me of the Tomato Shop in Shenmue, only without the fantastic music and prize draw whenever you buy anything. I wish my life was more interesting than this. I took photos on two separate occasions. Cheers - Henry."

    Mr O'

    Sadly we have no photos of the interior. Here's what it looked like in Shenmue.

    Mr T. Omato

    TOMORROW: Someone's local SPAR that is relevant to UKR because they used to sell the Sonic comic.
    Why is it acceptable for DS developers to literally copy Nintendo's games? The clip-art based Animal Paradise web site is shameful enough - then the screenshots bring it down to a whole new, previously un-plumbed level of banality:


    This isn't just a bit like Nintendogs. It actually is Nintendogs. We can only hope all involved in the creation of this product walk with their heads bowed and tears welling up inside BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY HAVE DONE.


    We did some research for once! It's a Japanese game called Hana Deka Club, which licenses the work of Japanese photographer Yoneo Morita and has applied it to a Nintendogs clone. This doesn't make its existence any less reprehensible.
    SEGA's remaking the original Saturn NiGHTS for PS2. We might as well have not bothered with the last ten years. Here is a poor quality photo of it stolen from Gaming-Age.

    The photo-taker did well to stop any tears dripping onto the paper.

    NiGHT NiGHT everyone :(

    What next? A SNES version of Sonic? SEGA Rally for the PlaySta... :(
    One chaotic photoshoot, five models and some knee-length boots is all it takes to win our undying loyalty for the next decade.

    Capcom Project 10/10

    They're suspiciously well padded 'downstairs' - which suggests taped-up male genitalia could be lurking beneath those nappy-like pants. We are seeking clarification from Capcom over the issue at this very moment, before any 'christening' of the photo takes place.
    And no, as far as Sony is concerned, it isn't BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS - the bumbling corporation has been conducting a survey into why people aren't buying the overpriced disaster machine of no games.

    PS3 desperation survey

    C. Have no plans.

    PS3 desperation survey

    F. It's a right pile of fu

    PS3 desperation survey

    A few helping words of advice for Sony, learned from our 26 years of operating on the lower rungs of the video game industry ladder.

    PS3 desperation survey

    A secondhand PSP, half an hour of paying attention to hacking guides, and a broadband connection - instant free games for ever.

    PS3 desperation survey

    Please do not hesitate to get back in touch should further advice be required.
    We're okay with you doing this sort of thing, as long as all the profits it makes are reinvested in starting up the hardware division again.

    SEGA Brain Assist

    It probably adds lots of new things to the memory game genre. 8/10.

    Mind Quiz

    But when Ubisoft does it, it is WRONG.

    Brain Boost Beta Wave

    And when Majesco does it, it is also WRONG.

    Left Brain Right Brain

    Especially when there's more than one.

    Brain Buster

    And when Agetec does it, it is also WRONG.

    Math Play

    And when Natsume does it, it is also WRONG.

    Brain Brain Brain Learn Brain Test Brain DS

    And when 505 Games does it, it is also WRONG.

    Get A Brain, Developers

    Especially when there's more than one.

    Dr Brain's Faggots

    Especially when there's more than two.


    Especially when there's more than three.
    We punched in. We blogged. We punched out again. These are the updates created for elsewhere that met the minimum required standard for publication this week.

  • This thing about the world's fastest lift, which reveals personal details about our deprived upbringing in the woods.

  • This thing about the Ninja Gaiden 2 box, because it was late and we hadn't done very much work that day so thought it would be a good idea to knock a quick one out before home time.

  • This thing about an angry dad suing Microsoft and putting Linux on your PC as revenge.

  • This thing about HD DVD sales which features the world's most unnecessary bit of PS3 bashing.

  • This thing about a really big printer, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:


    This week's updates were slightly better than last week's batch, but still not enough to break through the psychological 6/10 barrier.
    Only it looks like a Gizmondo-style exercise in a few company bosses chucking venture capital around for their own amusement. Here, they hired a couple of medium-class hookers on the pretence of shooting a promotional video:

    We would certainly like to see the conclusion of this story.
    We're supposed to be excited about this Brazilian portable Mega Drive emulator, but we are not. There is nothing particularly evocative or prestigious about the "Tectoy" brand. It is not steeped in history. We did not spend ten years in a bedroom entranced by Tectoy productions.

    Tectoy can, to be blunt, stick its licensed, recycled rubbish up its own arse.
    Tectoy Mega Drive

    Also, we have HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH of paying for Golden fucking Axe on various retro compilations. And that type of blue plastic always breaks in minutes. If you want to do this sort of thing, hack a PSP. Free Mega Drive games for ever and a powerful sense of rebellion against The Man.
    The gist of all the below is that the PS3 web browser crashes when trying to load Richard Jacques' MySpace page. Can people submitting update ideas please try to get the point across in one or two lines in future?

    No one's ever going to read all of this:


    We have no option but to take their word for it when they say this is what happenes when you look at Richard's MySpace page on a PS3. Here is the story...

    Me and my ill educated friend enjoy reading your site and often read through your archives together. My ill educated friend is so ill educated that he bought a PS3 shortly after its release, and is incapable of reading things that should make him feel degraded for doing so. Anyway, he reads the site, ironically, on his PS3, and the other day he clicked the link you gave to Richard's MySpace.

    To our surprise the PS3 failed to load the page! The error said "there wasn't enough memory" which isn't a surprise as the console is shit and only has 256MB of ram, not even enough to run Photoshop CS2. Which it can't do anyway as Sony's "home computer" thing doesn't allow you to install things. What is a surprise is that this only happens on Jacques' MySpace page. Other MySpace pages of lesser people work fine, but Richard's will not load and crashes the browser. This is surely a sick joke from Sony. I guess they have a problem with the genius himself, and SEGA, and are just intolerant of better companies. But hey, this is expected of Sony. I hate them as much as you do. The enclosed photos are pretty poor, especially the last one, but you get the idea. Sorry if having to see something on a PS3 burns your eye sockets but we all have a job to do.

    Sony has clearly caught us sleeping in this war. Now is the time to retaliate!

    From Adam in Durham

    PS. Warhawk is now out on PS3 for download / purchase in stores, has no single player (online exclusive) and despite being a fairly good effort at a PS3 exclusive game plus being an alright price of 20 quid, it is impossible to get into a match. Create your own and the max players is four. I wonder when Sony will learn that making something online exclusive doesn't mean it's better, it just means that the only people that can "enjoy" it are persistent fat Americans. The end had better be nigh...
    The bloke from here was spotted at a Spanish cosplay event in 2006, wearing the same costume. This is not particularly exciting, but you can't pass up on the chance to see video footage from a Spanish cosplay event, can you?

    It also gives you an idea of how badly it must smell.

    Sonic man pops up five minutes into the carnage.
    Here is how we have amused ourselves on a variety of other internet news locations this past five working news days. The updates are of varying quality.
  • This thing about some loser hooking up with some other loser so neither of them has to suffer the embarrassment of dying alone.

  • This thing about a music search portal which features enough Pet Shop Boys references to have the internet questioning our sexual orientation for months.

  • This thing about meetings in which we used an image from the sensational NWYH archive.

  • This thing about an exciting development in Xbox 360 error messages.

  • This thing about the Sony Ericsson W380, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Calm down, it's only a phone

    The last week gets a solid yet unspectacular 6/10.
    Xbox 360 outsold PlayStation3 in Japan last week. This heaps shame on the families and friends of all associated with Sony, a deep shame that will infect their children and their children's children for 1000 years.

    It is a good time to be selling suicide paraphernalia in the vicinity of Sony's Japanese HQ.

    DS: 78,597
    PSP: 59,714
    Wii: 37,617
    360: 17,673
    PS3: 17,434
    PS2: 10,209

    Then it hit me... GIVE UP

    New hardware variation required, Sony! Keep them coming and soon you might hit on one people actually want.
    Version 2.0 of Sony's PS3 firmware lets you CHANGE THE COLOUR of the media blade! You can also have UNLIMITED music playlists now! You may also TURN ON YOUR PS3 while not even in the house by using your PSP! These are the innovative features gamers have been crying out for!

    Sony is back, back, BACK!

    Firmware .00000001 more like

    As ever, it's a comedy riot over at official European PS3 hate focal point Three Speech. Reactions to the world's most disappointing update have been a bit, shall we say, muted.

    Say what you see

    The winner was found as early as post three. Please email us to claim your free t-shirt, "Trond". Brilliant work. Precise, yet emotional.
    The photos are online over at SEGA Europe's Flickr account. There's a quite unnecessary 15 pages of pictures like this:

    Sonic Mario sandwich

    SEGA had a special day for special people, to promote the Sonic/Mario Olympic game. We were not invited. Had we been invited we would have made up an excuse not to attend, so it was for the best.


    This is why we wouldn't have attended. There is nothing worse in the entire world than being forced to wear someone else's clothes then being forced have fun, while someone takes photos you know damn well are going to end up on the internet. It's modern-day torture.

    ...then they ended up on UKR

    We like to imagine a few of the attendees were thinking "I hope those photos of me in the stupid hair don't end up on UKR."

    Girls in t-shirts

    At least there was some of this. This means the game's going to get in The Sun so should sell more copies than, say, Virtua Fighter 5 on Xbox 360, which didn't make it into the top FORTY this week (despite the UKR reference hidden within it).

    Sonic - large genitals

    We can also take pleasure in the fact that Sonic appears to have larger genitals than Mario. In fact, Mario looks like he's got more of a camel toe.

    Dancing twat

    Whoever was inside the Sonic costume got a bit carried away by the excitement of it all, though.

    Mario - dignified and silent

    This is not helping Sonic look any cooler. Mario seems quite ashamed to be near the imbecile in the blue costume.


    Too much. Too much of the hands and legs. Too much everything.

    Kickin' rave!

    He just won't stop. Someone from SEGA Japan ought to have been on hand to stop the man in the Sonic costume ruining 15 years of good work. You couldn't even punch him in the face, as it wouldn't hurt with all that padding.

    Just go home

    Is this why some people hate Sonic?


    And you thought brand Sonic didn't have any kudos left to lose.

    Possibly a girl, though

    This is what happens when you get drama students to wear the costumes.

    Here come the Stuart Halls!

    That's Stuart Hall. He was amazingly famous in the 1970s and early 1980s, so famous that some of his fame still survives to this very day.

    Stuart Hall in 'grope shock'

    Here, Mr Hall is groping one of The Sun girls through her costume. He probably can't feel anything though.

    'What email? About what event?'

    Add this scene to the list of reasons why we tend not to reply to emails about press events for web sites.


    There was a moment when it looked like the whole day was going to be a PR DISASTER as a man NEARLY DIED.

    Posers get all the chicks :(

    But at least one person had fun.
    Red! Why would it be red? He must be part of a secret SEGA hit squad! Or maybe he's the man who looks after the car parking facilities at the SEGA office? The in-house SEGA fire marshall for when they have to evacuate the building as part of the monthly fire drill test? Or perhaps he's a normal man who wears clothes he found dumped in a skip in 2001?

    And he's bald

    FROM HIM: "Imagine my jubilation this morning when on a Monday morning trudge to the office, I spotted this bright red angel a little ahead of me. Apologies for the shitty quality etc. You'll see he's brandishing a clipboard – I'll wager there's an army of these angels on a mission to petition. If this isn't evidence of the Dreamcast's imminent return then... - Andromeda."

    Here is the AMAZING TRUE STORY behind the red SEGA jacket:
    "It's an Arsenal coach jacket. From when that goon at SEGA decided it would be better getting a free box at Highbury than informing the world of the single greatest piece of technology ever - Stefanio Walterelli."

    This the the ACTUAL amazing true story behind the red SEGA jacket:
    "The jacket is not anything to do with Arsenal but is in fact an official SEGA Rally (as in the new one) jacket that was sold to SEGA staff only and given away as comp prizes some place. I work at SEGA and was on the QA team for Rally, but decided that I wasn't middle-aged enough to buy such a comfy, practical yet ugly piece of marketing apparel. Several did, however, and the office is somewhat littered with these things. If you're interested I may be able to get hold of one for you? - Will."
    Some men are born great. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Others fashion their own greatness out of blue nylon sheets and red vinyl carpet tiles. This man will one day lead his nation to many glorious war victories, such is his dazzling audacity and skill. In the mean time, here he is being confused and misunderstood.

    All hail the new leader of the free world:

    Small genital bulge

    SPOTTED BY: "Today I went to a manga festival (Salo del Manga) here in Barcelona, Spain. I was walking, saw him and it was like 'wow!!'. I went running to this guy, I was holding the camera, we didn't need to talk, he stopped, made the pose and this is the result! Hahahahahaha! Also, the guy at the right is like 'I'm so cool!' xD. The photo is 2848 x 4256, so it could be used as wallpaper... for the brave - Bernat."
    Upwards of two grand blown on air tickets and hotels just to look at some boring temples, then go into some arcades. What a waste. Stay at home and look at photos of cherry blossom on Flickr, then spend the two grand on TVs. Japan is exactly how it looks on the internet.

    Club SEGA, Morioka, Japan

    "Hey UK Resistance. I found this in Morioka, northern Japan. A quite fancy looking SEGA club called 'Club SEGA' with a smug Sonic towering above the entrance. Never went inside, but as there wouldn't have been anything excelling the larger than life Sonic, I just avoided disappointment - Carsten."
    We have also been putting in the very minimum amount of effort across "the network" on various other news portals this week. These are the ones we are least ashamed of. They are, as ever, of varying quality.
  • This thing about a toy for losers which features references to mugging pensioners AND a review of Spider-Man 3 all in 153 words.

  • This hilarious thing about a developer ripping the piss out of PS3 in style.

  • This thing where we RISKED DEATH by saying Halo 3 is boring on an Xbox blog. Nobody noticed.

  • This thing where Nintendo revealed European hardware sales for all three consoles, which will really annoy the number Nazis at ChartTrack.

  • This thing about the Airbus A380 because aeroplanes ROCK and we wanted to use the word "carrier" in a serious context.

  • This thing about the LG "Rumor" because you pretty much have to use photos like this when they come along:


    This isn't today's proper update, so don't go getting all angry about being palmed off with a list of links. Something rubbish about Sonic or SEGA will be along in a couple of hours.
    SEGA EXCLUSIVE! IN-HOUSE COFFEE FACILITIES REVEALED! Edge magazine has never got this close to the heart of the Dream Factory.


    "This is a photo of SegaBucks, the hilariously named coffee shop in Sega's London office. SegaBucks sells Fanta, Panda pop and returned copies of many of Sega's "hit" DS games. Or maybe they're books. And a Megadrive controller by the look of it. If only Sega could include as much innovation, high production values and witty humour in their video games these days as they do their fake coffee shop signs. The man in the photo is Italian and likes [LIBELLOUS COMMENT REMOVED] so there are multiple levels of irony in this picture."