This is a great email. It's from a Toys R Us employee who points out that branches are making its employees pre-order PS3s to boost the numbers.

That's TOYS R US IN PS3 PRE-ORDER LIES SCANDAL, if you want to use this as the basis of a news piece for your site or blog (which you should definitely do as it's better than uploading today's Sony America 'GREAT NEWS!' press release):

TOYS R US IN PS3 PRE-ORDER LIES SCANDAL
"I work at a Toys R Us store on the multimedia section, and our PS3 pre-order campaign is not going very well.

"We have big signs up advertising that you can reserve one, with NO deposit or obligation - that's a FREE RESERVATION - and no-one wants to. At first our manager told us to approach customers looking at the display, but mostly they were just looking out of idle curiosity and what they really wanted was a Wii (sold out), Xbox 360 (sold quite a few of those!), a PC (actually sold a few of those too!), or Yu-Gi-Oh cards. For some reason people still buy those. But no-one wanted a FREE PS3 reservation.

"So, in mid-afternoon my manager got all the multimedia sales staff to put through a reservation (which I felt very dirty doing), so he wouldn't get shouted at quite so much by the store manager, then told us to approach all the customers even if they were just looking at Hungry Hungry Hippos. Still no success, but we got more Wii enquiries and another 360 sale.

"By late afternoon my manager was getting desperate and started making announcements on the tannoy that customers could reserve a PS3 for FREE, but mostly they just kept wandering around looking at the Lego Gang Land sets, or the Bratz Prostitutez dolls, or whatever is popular with the kids these days. So the manager then canvassed all the staff members on all the other sections to put some pre-orders through the tills so it looked like people care about Sony.

"So, all in all on this busy Saturday, we did several PCs, a fair number of 360s, and we could have sold record amounts of Wiis if we had any - and a couple of PS3 orders from staff members who were forced into it.

"It was the 3rd best day of work ever (the 2nd being the time I worked for Game and read magazines in the stockroom all day, and the first being the time I played Unreal Tournament on my laptop at the railway station cafeteria when all the platforms were closed for maintenance but my manager told me to open it anyway)"

Great story, Mr Anonymous! We want more anecdotes from game shop employees like this, please! Mail them in. But bear in mind we won't print any positive ones. We will keep your name a secret.

Labels: LIES

There are some good bargains to be had out there:




The UK's finest MILF, yours for only ten quid in Woolworths. Oh, and PS3 IS SHIT and it's unlikely anyone has pre-ordered one today, just to keep you updated.

Labels: GONZO

We interrupt our boring, stuck-record, didn't-you-make-all-these-jokes-in-1999?, anti-PlayStation3 rants for a second, to bring you some photos of miserable-but-hot girls dressed up like Final Fantasy characters.










TOMORROW: our PS3 looming Euro-disaster happy-as-pigs-in-shit-fest continues.




And this is the reality of the FFXII launch event. Fat men in fleeces.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)

Instead of uploading a Sony press release verbatim like it's actual news, let's look at all the PS3-selling online stores and see who's got some left. This is a proper investigation!

HMV: Yes

AMAZON: Yes

PLAY: Yes

GAME: Yes

GAMESTATION: Yes

WOOLWORTHS: Yes

ARGOS: Yes

TOYS R US: Yes

And so it goes on. This is completely unbelievable. Xbox 360 and Wii sold out in minutes - a week into the PS3 campaign EVERYONE still has piles left. This is total public humiliation for Sony.

Even better, poor old Play.com is selling so few PS3s it's now started giving away Adam Sandler shitflick 'Click' on Blu-ray with its bundles. Sales going well then, Play? Maybe if we wait another week we'll get a free Samsung LCD telly?




This is a graph we made to illustrate the facts, like Al Gore did in that documentary about the sun exploding. People believe graphs.

Labels: LIES

"PlayStation 3 in Europe will play fewer old games"

If you have pre-ordered in error this should be a good enough reason to cancel, seeing as you're now getting something worse than was originally advertised. Isn't this sort of thing against the law?

Labels: LIES

Last week GAME started taking pre-orders for PS3. This week, it has already reduced the price of its bundles, from offering two 550 quid "deals" down to a 477 quid bundle with just Resistance: Fall of Man and a cable that costs about 2p a unit from Taiwan.

And it is still taking orders.




This, obviously, is because no one's INSANE ENOUGH to pay 550 Great British Pounds for a rubbish Japanese console. HURRY and place your order!

Labels: LIES

And that's not just tonight's wank fantasy - it's a SOLID GOLD FACT:

January US sales totals:

Wii: 436,000
X360: 294,000
PS3: 244,000

And don't go saying it's stock issues - Sony's got 25 million of the things clogging up store aisles out there right now. Six million sold by the end of March? Get real, dickwads.




Plus PS3 is still selling a ridiculously rubbish 20k a week in Japan. WELL DONE, WORLD! It's now more important than ever that Europe doesn't embarrass itself by bailing out Sony's horrendous, half-finished console.

Labels: LIES

We got an email. It was nicely written, about no one buying PS3 and included an accompanying image.

This is the accompanying image:




It shows PS3 languishing in 93rd place on Amazon's sales chart. We probably don't need to once again point out this is because it's shit and too much money.

THE EMAIL
Thought you might be amused to see that the PS3 is currently placed at number 93 in Amazon US's top-selling Video Games list thingy, meaning that outselling it in 90th is Crazy Machines: The Wacky Contraptions Game on the PC and Mac, by the fine people at Viva Media.

Apparently "Crazy Machines gives you the chance to build your own unique contraptions. Solve more than 200 challenging puzzles, and put your machines to work". I must admit, my slacks did begin to bulge somewhat while copying and pasting that, and already I'm more excited about Crazy Machines: The Wacky Contraptions Game than I am about that PS3 thing.

Other items currently selling more than the PS3 include:

- Cooking Mama on DS
- Karaoke Revolution Party on PS2
- Game Boy Advance SP Pearl Blue (yes, a GBA)
- Mario Kart Double Dash on GameCube (yes, a game on a "dead" console)
- Final Fantasy VIII on PSone (yes, PSone)
- Brain Training on DS (even though everyone has it now)

It would also appear that the window Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly leant from when
allegedly shooting JFK was also sold on eBay but the offer was then withdrawn:

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/11047996/detail.html

...but the fact that someone at some point offered money for it means that it's technically sold more than the PS3 as well. And I bought a copy of Joe Montana's Sports Talk Football 93 on the Mega Drive for £1.99 out of Gamestation the other day, so I reckon that means it's now selling more than the PS3 too.

EMAIL REVIEW
This was a great email. The only 'downer' is that the accompanying image was a 150k jpeg, which is a bit big so needed resizing. For future reference, web pages are best screen capped, then cropped to 500 pixels wide, then exported as a gif from a pirated version of Photoshop. Had that been done this email would've got 10/10. 9/10.

Labels: LIES

That's good news, isn't it? It means Sony's getting a large number of units into the retail supply chain. It certainly DOES NOT mean no one's buying PS3 because it's a big piece of overpriced shit with a load of broken, year-old games.

Amazon also has some (oh, only about a million) left as well, which it is selling for an amazing saving of 1p. That really puts PS3 within reach of the average consumer!




In other REALLY VERY STUPID PS3 NEWS today, GAME has decided to only sell you a PS3 if you also want to buy three games with it and spend over 550 quid. We can confidently predict that LITERALLY NOBODY will want to do that.




It's almost as if they don't want to sell any. Which is handy, as they won't.

FAO SONY: OUR TERMS FOR SURRENDER
Dear Sony, we will stop mentioning PS3 if you can arrange to have ten boxed PAL PS3 consoles and ten collections of the entire launch line-up (all first and third party games plus peripherals) shipped to our home for selling on Ebay in time for launch day.

The number of PS3s we require will go up by one each day before our terms are met. No negotiations will be entered into. You have 24 hours before we need eleven.

Labels: LIES

So yesterday, popular European discount etailer Play.com sent out a press release to the world about its PS3 pre-ordering campaign. It boasted it would be able to fulfill all of its PS3 pre-orders and that it'd be taking pre-orders until its stock is taken.

Today, it still has PS3s for sale. It will be able to fulfill its pre-orders because it clearly hasn't taken more than three, despite telling everyone it had "overwhelming numbers" of orders. That was just a lie then, in keeping with the general lie-about-everything PS3 grand scheme.




Whoops. Maybe it's the ridiculous bundle, maybe it's that one of the bundled games is Genji, or maybe it's no one caring about Sony's over-priced and unwanted "HD" shitbox. BRING ON MARCH 23. WE ARE NOT AFRAID ANY MORE.

WITH THANKS TO KEVIN
With thanks to Kevin, who sent us the following quite entertaining email last night pointing all this out:

So when I bought a Wii it involved rapidly refreshing amazon.co.uk at 9am and using my uni's huge bandwith to press f5 fast enough to bring a lady elephant to orgasm before they all sold out.

Play.com's been selling their launch allocation of PS3s and are stopping when they run out. I first checked at 12:30pm and as of now (9:30pm) they're still in stock.

Ho ho.

Labels: LIES

Yes it is, isn't it?




More shameful "proper TV" reporting on video games, this time from the BBC's Watchdog. Look out for the Welsh man who paid "280 pound" for his.

And the 2007 award for Most Blatant Copy of Nintendogs goes to...




*Fumbles with envelope*




Eidos! For it's horse-petting game Pony Friends! Well done to everyone involved, even if you might be too ashamed to admit actually being involved.

HOW THEY EXPLAIN THEMSELVES:

Saddle up with PONY FRIENDS

The new Nintendo DS title from Eidos

Eidos interactive, one of the worlds leading publishers and developers of entertainment software, is pleased to announce PONY FRIENDS, a virtual pet game designed exclusively for the Nintendo DS and developed by Australian based Tantalus, will be available in the UK in 2007.

Fill your stables with a choice of 6 real life pony breeds or customise your own. Personalise your pony by choosing its favourite colour and food and then take part in events throughout the calendar year. Immerse yourself in caring and grooming your pony or undertake surprise challenges from a cast of characters. Personalise your pony's mane, tail colours or accessories with a wide variety of saddles, shoes, blankets and bridles to choose from.

"PONY FRIENDS is a very exciting project for Eidos. We're fulfilling every child's dream by giving them their very own portable pony. Players will have so much to occupy their time with from caring for and grooming their ponies and snapping photos whilst riding picturesque country trails to teaching their pony new tricks and entering them into a variety of competitions." Said Helen Clark, Brand Manager Eidos.

Use the DS stylus to perform a huge range of varied actions; including cleaning stones and shells out your pony's hooves, brushing its mane or designing a unique saddle blanket. Daily play will ensure that your pony is the prettiest, healthiest, fastest, most talented, and best pony, scooping you first prize in the prestigious 'perfect pony competition'.

Once again we have confirmed ourselves as the number one conduit for the weirdos of the world:




"Hi UKR. I wasn't allowed to dye my dog blue but I did get away with sticking SEGA tattoos on her. I think you'll agree, they're better than Stuart's dog. My dog looks happy to be wearing SEGA things and even sat still while I was putting them on. And she has her tongue out and is offering a paw.

"The only bit of skin was on her belly which is a bit close to her vagina. Sorry about that. I tried to get pictures of not her vagina that much, but it's still clearly visible. I'll see what I can do to my cat next. And I'll still try and dye the dog blue one day! Gretta."




Tomorrow we expect nothing less than photos of a cow's brain smeared over a road in a vague approximation of the SEGA logo.




Anything but dog vaginas, please.

Labels: GONZO

We've just been sent a copy of Sexy Sudoku which attempts to liven up the dull organising-numbers-for-businessmen-on-trains quiz by including photos of naked women.




About once every six months we ask someone to explain the rules of Sudoku. Then we forget again. It's something like "all the numbers have to add up to 12" or maybe "make all the boxes add up to the same number".




The rules of Sudoku are something we will never need to know so we don't bother remembering. Like maths or what girls like to talk about.




We'll have a novice puzzle, please, seeing as what we think the rules are aren't actually the rules, so we'll be here for a very long time otherwise.




You get to see more naked women for solving puzzles without clues. What the maker has done is taken an existing thing, then added a clever incentive system. Imagine if Xbox Live handed out naked photos of girls instead of stupid 'points'! It'd be huge.




The nudity is quite nude. They are naked, akimbo in some photos, but not holding themselves open or having a bit of someone else going in them. It is the sort of nudity that was considered RED HOT before the internet, but now is acceptable on children's TV.




It's taken 21 minutes to get this far on novice, thanks to it letting you just press numbers and telling you when you're wrong (RED NUMBER) and when you're right (GREEN NUMBER). God knows how people do this in their heads.




We solved it! She's impressed, although she probably thought this photo shoot was going to be used in Razzle.




Ten naked girls to unlock. Just like in our basement.




But all the images are stored in a folder as JPEGs, so you can just scroll through them. This ruins the fun and suspense. If only Carol Vorderman's Sudoku offered a similar amount of gratuitous nudity. 7/10.

IDEAS FOR MORE 'SEXY' GAMES

SEXY MONKEY BALL: 100 bananas = banana goes in mouth

SEXY MONKEY BALL: 1000 bananas = banana goes in bottom

SEXY SONIC: 100 rings = item of Cream's clothing comes off

SEXY SONIC: 1000 rings = Cream loses all inhibitions after eating one of those mushrooms in the background and you have 15 minutes with her limp body before she realises what's happening.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)

This is an old story but we've just thought up that headline which we're proud of. It's to do with HMV thinking people might like to buy two shit Sony consoles at the same time, then, amazingly, deciding that perhaps they don't after all.

That's what's known as an embarrassing public climbdown in the face of massive disinterest, because you've overestimated how stupid the average UK consumer is.




That's all. Today's proper update will be along in half an hour. It's to do with 'Sexy Sudoku' and is much better than this one which only took 10 minutes and is what we refer to internally as 'a gonzo filler'.

IN THE MEAN TIME
If you have any ideas for what we can do to disrupt HMV's midnight opening PS3 launch, please let us know. We're currently thinking of handing out leaflets to queueing customers letting them know how much they're being ripped off.

Labels: PR DISASTER

This is Stuart's dog and Sonic hat. These photos arrived less than six hours after yesterday's initial appeal. He clearly already had a dog to hand. You could never grow a dog in six hours.

Hopefully when we ask women to send in photos of their tits with "I LOVE UKR" written over them in fake blood like they've cut it into themselves the results will be equally swift and compliant.




A great photo, but the dog should've been roused to a sitting position, by offering a treat or a pat or saying that it's din-dins or walkies time. It's not really joining in. It should also be giving a paw for a bonus. Still, it's a nice doggy. Oh yes it is. Oh yes you are. Oh yessy yessy doggy doggy. Good boy. GOOD BOY.




Still, it's a photo of a dog wearing a Sonic The Hedgehog hat. It's definitely an internet first. And probably also a last.




He even made his cat join in. This looks quite cruel.

BEHIND THE SCENES 'MAKING OF' COMMENTARY FROM STUART:
"The dog is called Blue, and my cat is actually called Sonic (I named him after the good Sonic games, and not the wank ones of late). I'm sure you'll agree that the dog pictures are vastly overshadowed by the ones of the cat. The cat fucking hated wearing the hat, and he almost shat himself every time I put it on him. Lucky for him I managed to get the required shots well within 4 hours."




Of course it could just be Sonic wearing a cat costume on his lower body.




Stupid cat. Cats are so stupid they can't even get things off their heads.

Labels: GONZO

A man has spotted a "Sonic hat" in the window of Forbidden Planet in Aberdeen. If you hurry it might still be there. We expect a fierce bidding war to break out, along with a scuffle that ends up on the local news.

All we ask for in bringing you this information is that the successful buyer sends us a photo of the Sonic hat on a dog's head. Sunglasses optional.




"Hi, I found this Sonic hat in the window of Forbidden Planet in Aberdeen. I thought you might like it so i took a picture. Unfortunately I do not deal in 'Credits' of any sort, so I could not ask how much it was or which Orc the owner bought it off. It also appears that the hat would go over your eyes, possibly giving you some kind of Sonic vision!"

Labels: GONZO

Thanks, obviously, to the arrival of SEGA games and the input of SEGA-affiliated developers. The efforts of which could even make PlayStation3 look half-decent. That's our 'angle' at least.




Like Project Gotham Racing Mobile, which is coming soon. It excitingly embraces the thrilling communication device medium by letting you download ghost cars of other racers and upload your own. The kids will go mad for that, at least they will when they're not exchanging weird smiley faces and photos of their genitals on MySpace.




It's got corners and straights, plus words that come up on the screen to reaffirm what you're doing. That one on the right is a bit of London!




Not sure where that one on the left is. It looks like a bit of France stuck in a bit of America. Perhaps it is. The thing on the right is the 'box', not that downloadable mobile games really come in boxes, so they wasted their time putting that together. We wonder if Richard Jacques, our best MySpace friend had anything to do with the sound?




Then there's the KING OF THE WORLD. Sonic's been out for a while - but it's SONIC. Its one-button style actually works on a mobile, and it's always - literally always - a joy to play Sonic 1 again and relive (a) youth, and (b) Sonic not being in 3D and shit.




Games won't ever be this good again. All you're getting from now on is war and 'sandbox' crime games. That's it. It's your own stupid faults. We're not getting another Space Channel 5 because everyone else decided they'd rather baseball bat prostitutes to death instead. Thanks, cruel, miserable world.




There's also ChuChu Rocket. Arguing with games of this quality is pointless. You can try, but you'd look really stupid and like you were arguing with a telephone.




And Super Monkey Ball Tip 'n Tilt. Which, ironically, has seen the makers take a perfectly good 3D game and make it 2D. Like what's happened to Sonic recently only in reverse.




If only SEGA would still take risks on exciting new ideas like Monkey Ball. It wouldn't get made today, would it? Poor old Nagoshi-san would get told to go back to his little office and have a more commercial idea, preferably one to do with earning 'turf' and 'respect' in a city environment.




You can try out java versions of all these mobile games for free here. There's also one called Sexy Babes Wild Waterslides which we have requested a full version of for review.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Bear these official figures in mind next time you hear Sony bragging about how many million PS3s it has "shipped":

1. Nintendo DS Lite: 194,526
2. Nintendo Wii: 83,754
3. PlayStation Portable: 35,700
4. PlayStation 2: 20,995
5. PlayStation 3: 19,996
6. Xbox 360: 7,365

WHAT SONY MEANS WHEN IT SAYS "SHIPPED":

Moved from regional storage facility A to regional storage facility B

Put on a boat to somewhere else that may want them

In a lorry

In a pile waiting to be put on a lorry

Hidden in the ground

Joy through numbers.

Currently working as a DJ and music producer, under his full birth name Alexander Robotnick:




He's lost quite a bit of weight, but those tell-tale glasses and that fearsome grimace give away his identity.




Losing the moustache has taken years off him too.




Who would've thought such an innocent could grow up to unleash such terror upon the world? More childhood Robotnik photos here. He seems to have lived a full and varied life echoing that of Geroge Harrison, apart from the bit where he becomes a techno DJ at the end.

Labels: HISTORY