UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
For ONLY 1.99! It's amazing, the local chemist once again shows that it's the greatest breed of shop. Having already proved it's worth over the last eight years with a steady and never-ending stock of powerful Valium pills and industrial strength lubricants we didn't think it could be any better. We were wrong. They have truly outdone themselves this time:

Soapy Tails

It's some kind of cosmic sign that this still exists and is on a shelf after 15 years. Perhaps there's even some kind of metaphor for SEGA there. We have ZERO doubt at all that were we to open this wonderful little bottle of gaming merchandise DELIGHT, it would actually smell of 1992, Mega Drive, and Becky Boroughclough's hair.

In fact the bottle has been opened now and the reaction it has elicited from people includes:
"Smells of 'Tolkien powder'."

"Smells of grannies."

"Oh fuck it smells of liquid."

"It smells of cocaine." (After snorting it.)

"It smells just like Tails - SHIT."

This on-the-spot report provided by guest updater The Cap'n.


It's something for PS3 that the PlayStation creator is calling "Friends" - it's a "list" of people you play online games with. A sort of "Friends list" if you will.

Sony's amazing new idea for PS3

Where do they get these brilliant ideas from?
This is a sort of review of New Super Mario Bros on DS.

Ensign Teela wrote this. The official UKR line is that Mario still 'sucks'

He smells just like we remember!

'Still not a patch on Sonic, 6/10'

Look at him! The other kids laughed at us and said he was an unemployed plumber and a bent, but now he's at the top of his game! He hasn't even hit mummy once, even though everyone knows she's been going out with that creepy Mr Gates from the Aldi.

'Still not a patch on Zool, 6/10'

Hold us, daddy. The bank says that when we bought the house from them we actually only bought their permission to live in it, and they're going to evict us because we asked Joey round for a sleepover. Tell us that you're going to make it all okay and you'll never go away again.
Life is worth living again! We're happy! It's like being back on the Prozac/Zoloft combination therapy! Every day brings a new Sony DISASTER, as PlayStation3 morphs into more of a joke by the second. 425 pounds! A remake of an old PS2 racer as its 'main game'! A rubbish controller copied off Nintendo! Blu-Ray no one wants! Executives who brand it "a bargain" and think it's above criticism and that we should be grateful it's launching a new PlayStation at all!

Every day we wake up invigorated, desperate to see the latest in PS3 comedy disintegration. We'll be triumphantly hoisting PlayStation's bleeding corpse into the air yet.

And then there are the games.

PS3 Tekken 6, circa May 2005

This, 12 months ago, was what Tekken 6 was going to look like.

PS3 Tekken 6, circa May 2006

This is what Tekken 6 looks like today. Next year, when it comes out, it'll look like a third-party Dreamcast game like all the rest of the piss-poor PS3 stuff shown at E3. Seeing this breathes life into our souls! Yeah, Sony, carry on begging those third-parties to pretend their multi-format games are exclusive to PS3 so your game line-up doesn't look like such a disaster. It won't make a difference.

Tekken 6 - GOTY

Still, women get punched in the stomach in it, so it's not that bad.


As if playing a game about buying carpets and organising flowers into lines wasn't gay enough, Nintendo is now proud to bring you...


Nintendo DS homoerotic promotional photo shame

So what demographic is Nintendo after with this? The self-harming pretending-to-be-bisexual emo-neo-Goth demographic?

Nintendo DS in artistic black and white

If MySpace had existed in 1991, this would've been its official photograph.

Lovely dreamy girls holding it properly

This is the caption in which we change our minds and declare the whole thing is actually an amazingly brilliant idea.

DS pile up

We can't help but wonder who had sex with who after this shoot ended (the ginger man obviously just had a wank on his own).
Still not nearly as patronising as that Sony Exec's David Dickinson here. Those nice chaps at SONY have asked me to tell you about their new PS3 console which is out in November for only £425! That's right, only £425. Of course, you'll have to add a game to that price making it £475 but it's still Cheap as Chips. Actually, you probably won't be able to get one in the shops unless you buy it as a SuperMegaPack with three games, two of which you don't want, but come on, £575 I can see you're tempted.

And remember Bargain Hunters, it has a Blu-Ray player as standard. I know 99% of you don't have a HD telly yet and all your films are on normal DVD, but just think what a bargain you're still getting because Blu-Ray players will be about £600 for at least the first month they are out. I'm sure you'll agree Bargain Hunters, it's a real Bobby Dazzler!
Animal Crossing Wild World Museum curator Blathers is a SICK PERVERT who preys upon LOST CHILDREN, according to the findings of an internet blogger.

"Katie" - a young cat who frequently gets lost in one of the game's wi-fi link-up modes - made the allegations freely and without pressure. The game, sold for CHILDREN on Nintendo's popular DS system, must surely be withdrawn from sale with immediate effect as a result of these findings.

Animal Crossing child ring EXPOSED

Tom Nook is also implicated in the filthy child-trade ring. More on this as it breaks.

My Animal Crossing :)
In a 12 minute monologue to camera! "They say it's portable, but you have to hook it up to your wall to charge it" is his most genius anti-DS argument. Is he trying to become the new, podgy, slightly retarded-looking face of internet video game TV?

The new, podgy, slightly retarded-looking face of internet video game TV

Watch it here. He looks like 50 people we know :(

TOMORROW: All the other video game-related Google Video/YouTube videos we've been sent over the last month.
No freakin' way! This is on Microsoft's Xbox 360 web site. It is (a) a woman, a woman who is (b) explaining about cables and high-def settings.

We're not ones for rampant sexism or anything, but... we've never met a woman who knows about the difference between VGA, component and HDMI. It's like the offside rule - their brains just don't get it.

Xbox 360 cable-explaining woman LIE

Obviously written by a man, or at the very least heavily edited and made to make sense by one.


Hello there,

The scary cameraman from GameLife loves photographing violent things, and he has a nice website full of pictures of him looking paedish and of Melissa being dead.

Also enjoy Andrew's myspace:

Melissa from Gamelife 'being dead'

Melissa from GameLife 'being dead'.


Dear UKR

I was at E3 last week in industry guise. Trying to avoid actually doing anything to justify my flight cost and hotel bill I wandered onto the Nintendo stand and spotted Google video star Andrew Rosenblum presenting the next installment of his 'show'. He and his skinny gimp friend were bizarrely being filmed by an attractive if a little young (16 is legal in the US isn't it?) female dressed a bit like a schoolgirl... Anyway before i could get a picture of the schoolgirl they all ran off to some the Isle of Man development stand to film some blindfolded Japanese bloke playing video game music i hadn't really heard of on a bontempi keyboard, which quite frankly was a bit shit.

Anyway please find attached picture of 'Google video star' Andrew Rosenblum... perhaps you can run a behind the scenes style feature... or just post it up as one of the more bizarre stalkings by your readers.

Booth Hunk Andrew Rosenblum

One of the more bizarre stalkings by our readers.


We've had someone else email us a photo of their Sonic-themed tattoo. This guy had the Sonic & Knuckles logo drilled into his skin FOREVER.

Hey, saw your post on Sonic tattoos, and I thought I'd share my own with you.

Its of the S&K logo, which I personally regard as the greatest Sonic logo ever. Hours upon hours of my youth were spent re-playing Sonic 3 and Knuckles, so it became somewhat of a favourite.

Great site, btw.

There's no need to take the t-shirt all the way off

We emailed him back, suggesting this photo made the tattoo look like it was drawn on in pen. He then replied, saying the photo was taken on the day it was done, and it looks blotchy because of the scabs. Scabs are why we haven't got any tattoos. He sent two more pictures in as further proof:

Sonic & Knuckles tattoo-ed madman

If you're a girl, please biro Cream The Rabbit on your tits and send it in. That'll do

We HAVE to get one of Cream The Rabbit. HAVE TO NOW.


No, we didn't get any good material for UKR out of going to E3. All we got were loads of predictable, cliched photos of the show, like everyone else always gets.


'Now hold it apart'

This is a booth babe. We spoke to her. We said "Can you pose with it?" and she said yes and did this. We walked away feeling 5 percent more dead inside, and 50 percent more erect. Women who do what they're told are great.

Apart from Heavenly Sword

This is the moron queue for the PlayStation3 Disappointment Adventure. People (ALL the people) were poking fun at PS3, openly mocking it's shite games and idiotic management suits who are blind to the truth. The games are all dull sequels, as with PSP. It's so going to be a disaster and we'll be there to spunk on Sony's gravestone when the bailiffs padlock the doors.


This is SEGA making PS3 look good. It feels wrong.

That's not a joke

Some bloke with some tattoo of some game character. He's rolled his sleeve up so everyone can see it. We can laugh now, but when we get Cream The Rabbit tattooed on next month we'll be doing the same.

A fat man

This is the obligatory picture of some fat fuck obsessing over a retro machine. We were shooting fish in a barrel out there. He's taking a *photo* of it.

N-GAGE - now a 'software platform' but still no one cares

This is Nokia's N-GAGE stand. It was always empty, which was great - if you needed to quickly walk from one place to another, you could cut through the N-GAGE bit.

Would/didn't, would/didn't

Nokia spent the big bucks on some women. We didn't speak to these ones, just pointed the camera at them and they did that hugging/smiling thing like perfectly trained sexy androids.

A fat man

This fat man's self-esteem was lowered further still by us following him, pointing and taking his photo. We ought to feel bad about that, but actually don't! It's another link in our chain for the afterlife, but was worth it.

Wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, would/didn't

Another woman, along with some men standing quite far away from her and taking photos *of* her without actually looking *at* her. That just about sums it up.

The real actual Silver The Hedgehog

Silver The Hedgehog. Shadow was also there, but we just couldn't look him in the eye.

Ubisoft's Rainbow Six Vegas dancer

The woman again. We've got 100s more of these, but they're all this dull. Sorry about that. If we're ever allowed out again after this, we'll try harder.


Can't really think of anything right now though. Sorry.


We'll never get bored of looking at Wii promotional photographs.

A man engaging in some hot Wii Action!!! HA HA HA!

They should stop doing ones with men in though.


Or just stop altogether. We get the idea of holding a controller. None of this is necessary.
A hastily-cobbled-together Photoshop comparison speaks 1000 words:

PS3 lacking in holes

It is, quite literally, ALL LIES. Did you think we'd forget about this, Sony? It was only a year ago, you fuckwits! You're going DOWN this time. All the way. No doubt about it.


This is from Vivendi's bizarre cash-burning press trip to Malaga, where they took loads of people out for a free holiday to promote a game absolutely no one cares about at all.

It was designed to promote its "let's-make-another-urban-gangsta-game!" game Scarface. Instead of real tigers, like in the film, they got women and made them into tigers by painting them and their tits.

Scarface tiger whore (tail relief, 50 pounds)

This isn't what usually happens on press trips. Usually, it's just a load of miserable men who don't really like each other being forced to wait around for ages and make small talk until someone turns up and gives them lots of beer so they can go back to the hotel and have a decent wank.

[Photo removed to comply with French humour legislation]

See? If anyone else has any more photos from the Scarface PR event, please send them in. And any other PR event shots too, particularly of men looking miserable and any women at all.


Carol Vorderman's got a PSP! We've also got PSP! This means when we fantasise about meeting her, it's now loads more realistic because we know what we'll be talking to her about before we inevitably have sex with her. Sex that we learn lots from because of how old she is.

Carol's Hot Sudoku action on PSP


London, May 2006, XPLOSIV, the multi-platform value range have announced that the ever popular Carol Vorderman Sudoku will be released on PlayStation2 and PSP in June 2006. The addictive and challenging puzzle craze that has swept the globe found a huge fan and supporter in best selling author and personality Carol Vorderman and these interactive games will allow Carol to show you how it's done.

Let her take you (YES!) step-by-step via live action video (YES!) explaining the methods of Sudoku and revealing handy hints so that you too can become a Sudoku master. If you feel you've mastered the methods of Sudoku then the game will allow you to lay down the gauntlet and challenge Carol to the ultimate Sudoku showdown.

'A better one please, Carol!'

As gadget enthusiast Carol said 'I love my PSP, it fits in my handbag and is really handy for someone like me who travels a great deal.' She adds, 'I can't wait to be able to play Sudoku on the PSP where and whenever I want.'

Sudoku has a huge appeal globally and Carol Vorderman Sudoku is perfect for the PSP and PS2 platforms. The additional formats will add a greater offering to Sudoku fans and more ways for them to feed their Sudoku habit' said Joanne Fawell, European Product Manager, Xplosiv.

As a self-confessed Sudoku addict, the Channel 4 Countdown presenter says: 'I have become completely obsessed and a bit of a saddo. I love competitions with friends to see who finishes first. I go for the fiendishly hard one and have got my time down from five hours to under twenty minutes.' She adds, 'Mind you I'm told off at home, at work and even in the hairdressers for going "into the Sudoku zone" and "not listening to a word anyone says".'

Sudoku challenges you to fill in the missing numbers in a 9x9 grid. It's a game of reasoning, that doesn't require calculating or special math skills - but instead focuses on concentration and brain power

Starring and presented by Carol Vorderman, Carol will appear in the form of live video and will talk the player through a number of features including:-

Exclusive features to PSP and PS2

· 2 player Mode
· Wireless game mode (PSP version only )

Arcade mode

· Beat the clock!
· Extra time
· Perfection
· 3 strikes and your out!
· High Score table

PS2, PC and PSP Features

· Over 1 million unique puzzles (tbc)
· 4 difficulty levels
· Over 30 minutes of high quality video featuring Carol Vorderman
· Step-by-step tutorial for beginners
· Hits and tips for advanced players
· Intuitive easy interface
· Customisable assist functions
· Ask Carol puzzle solver

Multiple game modes

· Classic
· Career mode
· Challenge Carol



This is an email we got, in its entirety. You can't edit down genius like this.

I'm a huge Sega fan and absolutely love your site, your trip to Sega page is pretty funny and now I want a Homestar! Anyway, thought I'd show off my Sonic tattoos while I'm here so take a look at them if you're interested.

Had the idea of having four Sonics running around my leg.


Sonic tattoo madness


We should've done this. You should have done this. What a man.


Another important piece of SEGA nostalgia merchandise has been discovered!


Sonic and Knuckles have been scribbled out. There's a reason for this. The person who owns the book will explain himself in the next caption.


"If you look at the intro page, you can see where the young me crossed out all the Sonic pictures because I HATED Sonic for being RUBBISH. I am sorry."

GAMESMASTER SAYS: Up Down Left Right A+Start

It's not really a cheats book. It's an empty notebook for you to write your own cheats down on. It must've been a lot easier to produce than today's 200-page walkthroughs of Splinter Cell.

We still hate Mario to this very day

Mario cheats shouldn't really be written down in a SEGA book.

Sonic 3 - the worst Mega Drive Sonic

If you've got some old rubbish on your attic that says SEGA on it, please send it in. We're rapidly becoming the Wikipedia of SEGA.