How to get ahead in games development...
By "Ensign Huey"
Here are some tips on how to succeed in the games industry (after all you're special).
1. Ignore any advice given by gamers, despite their intuitive insight built upon several decades of actually playing games, your coke addled mind is "thinking outside the box" and doesn't need any extra help.
2. Have lengthy discussions about games review scores but always make sure that you score lower than your peers to get that critical edge (you also need to pout as you deliver your "definitive" score).
3. Dismiss frame rate problems out of hand because you've read in Heat that "nobody notices anyway".
4. When you invariably lose on your game during a huge press event, don't admit that you did testing on it. As rule, don't acknowledge games testing exists at all.
5. If you're a girl you can sleep your way to the top. Gaming needs more people that look pretty and there's nothing worse than having to work with someone who does their job properly.
NB: Be selective on your conquests; the last thing you want is one of the muppets blabbing about what a lousy shag you were to a reporter.
6. As shit hits the fan about a bug or a series of bugs that the testers that don't exist found but you ignored and then swathes of the gaming public encountered anyway, hide in the toilet and fill your nose with charlie. If it's an online bug; shrug and carry on nonchalantly thumbing through whatever (anybody who's important doesn't plays online anyway).
7. Don't hire anyone that knows more about games and/or has more talent than you, if you did it would only take people's attention away from your spiky and badly dyed blonde hair.
8. Treat artists and programmers like shit. They only make the games and are thus utterly expendable.
9. Belittle new game ideas put forward by your team. The public don't want fresh new games with a tangible sense of fun; they want the same banal and mediocre gaming fecal matter already available everywhere.
Remember, as long as you're alright that's all that matters. People will forget about GoldenEye Rogue Agent and the Eye Powers and the fact that you said it would be better than Halo 2. After all, if you weren't in the games industry you'd be the failure that everyone said you'd be. You showed them, oh yes.
The Gay Pride Gayest Little Game Award The Sugar Magazine Girl Gamer Award (4-8-year-old category) The London Underground Most Embarrassing Game For a 32-Year-Old-Man To Be Seen Playing On The Train To Work In The Morning Award What Paedophile? Magazine's 'Best For Grooming' Award
OF BLOCKS AND COUNTER MEASURES: A JOURNEY THROUGH NINJA GAIDEN (AND OUT THE OTHER SIDE AGAIN)
By Michael Zorg
A guard emerges from the shadows and slaps me in the face.
"Are you MAN enough?" he offers, roughly.
"Yes" I reply.
"NOT GOOD ENOUGH" he yells back, slapping me again. "Are you MAN enough to take any more?"
There was no way I would talk. He could slap me all he wanted. I had learned the importance of blocking and there was no way he could hurt me now. The secrets of my clan, the Hyabusa clan, would die with me if there was no other way.
"Tell me what you know about the Dark Dragon Blade"
"I know nothing"
I could see the anger building within him. He was almost at Master Ninja level, which would mean his slaps would get even harder and some I wouldn't be able to block at all.
"Your family knows about the Dragon Blade... YOU know about the Dragon Blade. TELL ME NOW or I burn the village!"
He could burn the village and I still wouldn't say. I knew from the high-resolution cut-scenes that ran at 50 frames a second that Ayane was safe. He could burn the village for all I cared.
He slapped me again. And again I managed to block, cleverly absorbing some of the essence his attack left behind to restore my health a little.
It was a torturous time, just like Raskolnikov's journey through insanity in Fyodor Dostoevsky's fantastic novel Crime and Punishment, which I read all of at university.
My beatings went on for some 15 days (levels), with his slaps (by this I mean the game) getting harder each time but also being more satisfying to block (complete).
The graphics and gameplay are also great. 10/10.
A REVIEW OF NINJA GAIDEN BLACK
For the internet.
CHAPTER 1: THE INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPHS
We're not going to mess around with introductory paragraphs here. There is only one fact you need to know about Ninja Gaiden Black -- it's the best action game there has ever been and, we confidently predict, the best one there ever will be. No way can anyone ever make a better one than this. It's perfect in all ways.
It's the most arse-kicking, kick-arse, arse-destroying action game there has ever been. It's like there's ten million arses, and you've got a boot the size of a car to kick them with. And you can kick them so hard they're going to be finding smashed bits of arse stuck in the walls of the International Space Station -- THAT'S how hard Ninja Gaiden Black kicks arse. And it's kick-arse, kick-arse, kick-arse all the way through, non-stop, from beginning to end, and is by far and away the greatest action game on Xbox or any other games console -- even the Sega ones.
It's a game for fans of Ninja Gaiden. It's more Ninja Gaiden, more bosses, new enemies, harder attackers and a bigger, greater and even more focused and demanding challenge. But! It's also easier too, courtesy of two things; (1) all the whining cocks who said it was "too hard" on the internet because they didn't understand how important it was to use the 'block' button, and (2) the new 'Ninja Dog' difficulty setting made to shut them the fuck up.
CHAPTER 2: THE FEATURES EXPLAINED
Now, if you're rubbish at games or a child or a spastic and manage to die quite a few times on the first level, Ninja Gaiden Black gives you the opportunity of playing through on its Ninja Dog setting where everything's easy for grandad. Too easy for most, but a necessary easy seeing as a few loud-mouthed idiots found the original too hard.
The shame heaped upon you and your family by playing the greatest action game of all-time on I'M A FUCKING IDIOT difficulty will haunt you for the rest of your life, but if you found the first Ninja Gaiden too hard the option is there. You still see all the plot, levels and beautiful, beautiful scenery on Ninja Dog, it's just the personal shame thing you'll have a problem with in later life.
Oh, and lots of cocks whined about Ninja Gaiden's camera. That's a total non-issue as far as we're concerned, seeing as pressing the right trigger always centres it behind Ryu -- and the camera shot is fixed in small rooms so it never gets lost. It's perfect. Black also features the option of using the Hurricane Pack's altered system where the right stick can be used as a 'free look' thing, but that just makes this LIGHTNING FAST ACTION GAME harder to play. This game is about fighting ninjas all the time, not looking at stuff. There is no sniper rifle in Ninja Gaiden. Just get used to it.
However, this game is meant for people that 'got' and 'liked' the first game and want more of it. To start with, if you haven't got a completed save position from Ninja Gaiden you have to complete it on Normal difficulty to open up Hard. That's REALLY HARD to do! Then you have to complete it again on Hard to unlock the new Missions bits, which are fights against newer, clever enemies, and - we're not exaggerating for effect here - are the hardest 50 things you will ever have to do in a modern game.
(We say 'modern' because a lot of retro games were harder than this but that was mainly because no one bothered to test games in the old days so some were actually technically impossible. Those technically impossible ones are harder than NGB by accident. Anyway.)
You'd better be prepared to play the same mission 20 times in a row before you do it, and that's only on Normal.
CHAPTER 3: SUMMARY AND END
But it's so amazingly awesome you HAVE TO DO IT. There is no try. The enemy AI is so perfect and mean it's a personal grudge match, one that's better than playing rubbish, predictable humans because Tecmo's ace ninjas do such a great job of blocking, rolling and throwing your attacks back at you. It's phenomenally, ludicrously difficult, perhaps ten times harder than the first game, but that's exactly why this is dream material for Ninja Gaiden fans.
And if you're not a fan of Ninja Gaiden -- buy this, play it, don't give up when it gets too hard because it soon 'clicks' and seems just right, and then you'll realise what an epic you have. You will like it, even if you're a puny effeminate man who usually only likes dancing games, puzzle games and watching imported anime with those girls who find you safe, non-threatening company.
And all this for only 20 quid? It's the greatest video game deal in history! Even better than when Sega started giving away Sonic The Hedgehog with the Mega Drive! We're off to complete it again for fun, and you'd better go off and buy it. Not via Bittorrent you pikey twat, via a shop. If Ninja Gaiden Black isn't number one in the charts for AT LEAST a month starting from next Tuesday's chart, you're all in deep trouble and missing out on a genuine modern-day classic.
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW?
Each post .02% worse than the last.
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand.
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass.
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near.
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend.
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny.
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It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.