A man saw Sonic badly painted on an ice cream van, and like one of daddy's bravest and most favourite little soldiers he got out his camera, or phone, or one of those new 'cameraphone' hybrids that probably also has MP3 ringtones, and took a photo of it just for us and you.

This is it!



Then, like a very very GOOD BOY, he actually wrote some fan fiction based on his encounter! This is awesome. More people should send us photos and the subsequent fan fiction they inspire. Textbook reader submission. A+

CREAM SCREAMS FOR ICE CREAM

By Matt Smith

"Look! It's Sonic!" shouts the innocent six-year-old girl. "Sonic and ice cream!"

Off she runs towards the blue hedgehog's arms, blissfully unaware of the approaching danger while mummy's back is turned. She can hear the sweet synthpop beats of Green Hill Zone playing in her mind. "Do do do do do do do do doooo. Do do do, Do do do, Dooo Dooo!"

But it's not over-priced, no-brand-name ice cream she's going to get. It's far, far worse than that.

"Can I have a Cornetto?" she asks the evil, evil man.

"Why certainly little girl." The evil man replies as he goes to his freezer.

"Oh what a shame", he says. "I am afraid they are all gone."

The little girl looks down at her little orange shoes and sobs.

"But if you come into my van I am sure we can find something together!" the evil man replies.

Without thinking she smiles and says "OK!"

The man opens the door. She climbs inside and at first everything seems normal. "Why don't you have a look inside the freezer?" The man suggests with a rather large grin on his face below his circular glasses and orange moustache.

The little girl is feeling uneasy. She begins to realise her mistake. She slowly walks over to the freezer and takes a look inside...

'What is this?' She thinks to herself. 'It looks like robot parts and...'

"NO!" She screams!

"MUHAHAHAHA!" The man laughs as he rips off his fake apron and hat.

"It's... It's... YOU!"

"That's right!" He bellows. "It's me, Dr Robotnik! And you have fallen right into my trap, Cream!"

"What do you want!" She shouts.

"Why, a hostage of course! With you in my clutches I know Sonic will bring the Chaos Emeralds to me!"

"You're crazy Robotnik!" Cream cries. "Sonic's gonna rescue me and stop you once and for all!"

"MUHAHAHAHA! We'll see about that!" he shouts. And with that he handcuffs her to the freezer, starts the engine and speeds off far away into the distance, his evil theme tune music menacingly playing through the ice cream van's speakers.

TO BE CONTINUED?
By this, we mean please write some stuff about Cream getting raped and then starting to enjoy it and then getting covered in spunk (ours, not your lumpy old muck) in the comments section.

Labels: GONZO

We're really getting into women's feet these days. If a girl isn't wearing sexy shoes, she's not worth looking at twice or following home down a poorly-lit path.



"This little piggy went to... UP MY ARSE"




"...and this little piggy stayed at... IN MY HOT WANTING MOUTH"




"...this little piggy had SEXY TIGHTS PULLED OVER IT"




"... and this little piggy had FUCK-ME RED NAIL VARNISH ON IT"




"...and this little piggy got COVERED IN SPUNK, ALL THE WAY UP TO THE ANKLE BONE"




We're out of our depth here. We just don't know enough about foot fetish terminology to pull this off.




"Phwoar, nicely rounded balls"

Next week: Lara Croft's DEFORMED FOOT NIGHTMARE.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)

Having slipped from 2005 to Christmas 2005 to New Year 2006 to February 2006 to First Quarter 2006 to just 2006, Sega's killer app for retaking the MORPG market is now simply "2006 (planned)."

We could go on at length about how this sours our already semi-hostile feelings for online RPGs, but instead here is a picture of a pornographic parody of .hack that we found.



Obviously we didn't laugh at it or anything, so don't complain that we're not cynical or hardcore enough any more.

It's SEGA's Grand Prix fruit machine! The man who sent this to us suggested we do a joke about it being "the prequel to Virtua Racing" but that wouldn't really work, for reasons we'll outline in the caption.



A prequel is something made AFTER the original, that looks at earlier events. This obviously isn't a prequel, but could perhaps be described as a precursor. It's a common mistake people make.


SEEING AS PEOPLE SEND US PHOTOS OF THINGS WHEN WE MENTION THINGS
Has anyone got a hi-res PR photo of nu-indy pop starlet Lily Allen we can have? Only we've got a new Employee of the Week ready to go, and want to be all down with the kids and put up a photo of her.

This is the best Google and Myspace has got:



We need something a bit ruder or sexier or at the very least at a better resolution. There's a good one in Word magazine this month, but we're not buying that piece of shit.

Entirely by accident, two men thought of us. Not in a gay way, although that does happen quite a lot. No, these men thought of us because they both saw something old and weird and BY SEGA! Both old one penny fruit machines. By SEGA!



This one says SEGA on its 'nose' and has an 'eye' missing so looks really cute. This also looks like a girl we used to fancy at school. Maybe that explains the weird SEGA fixation? We couldn't have Sarah Kendall, but we CAN HAVE SEGA PRODUCTS.




This is a different one, probably a more recent model what with the stylised retro-futuristic SEGA font that looks like it's from the 60s when the 60s tried to imagine what the 80s would look like. .




Imagine having that font. Imagine using Word and having that as your normal font! Or imagine having a long-running SEGA-based web site and having that font so you could make a new logo with it.




We don't often get excited over fonts, but wow. That's one hell of a font. Even if you've only got a version that works on a Mac, send it to us. We'll buy a Mac.




Actually, the usage of the term "old penny" here suggests this machine was still in service post-decimalisation, which took place here in 1971. Which means it pre-dates that time as it was constructed to use the out-dated coin. Therefore, we're going to predict this machine was built in around 1965. Unless YOU know better...

Labels: HISTORY

...in return for an hour of 'full personal service' with any two out of the following ten entrants in its 'Search For Any Kind Of Sexy Woman' t-shirt model competition:



Those two specifically, but any of the rest would probably also do for what we have in mind*. They've made the classic mistake of putting their real names on the web site, so we'll have them all geographically pinpointed to within five metres and added to MySpace within the hour. Although, judging from her dental records, Lorena Linx is loads more than 21 and needs some seriously expensive root canal work so she's out of the equation.

*Telling them how life isn't fair for ages while they don't interrupt or say anything about themselves, then starting to cry and having them tell us it's all going to be OK while we smell their hair and remember what mum's hair used to smell like back when everything used to be OK. Then spunking on their tummies and getting a Chinese on the way home.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)

This is ALMOST too good to be true. We're not quite convinced it is but that's beside the point. The point is that this provides a small spark of life and gives us the strength to carry on when we would otherwise sit dwelling on our supposed cynical existence, exhausted by the exertion of wanking with the aid of a hot dog bun.



Thank you SONY. Those lazy summer days of NON-STOP WANKING are not so far off for you now.

Not just a bit better, but MILES better. There's no possible way we'll ever top Sonic The Hedgehog Pasta With Tomato And Cheese Sauce. This is the SEGA find of the year, or possibly decade. This is better than finding Sonic's ACTUAL SHOES!



SONIC CHANNEL - even though it's SONIC TEAM's blog - is going on the list of sites we hate, next time we bother changing it. This has probably been on the internet for 13 years, but as far as we're concerned if it hasn't been on UKR then it doesn't count. This new rule means it's now OK for us to copy things off forums.

F.A.O. ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SEND US STUFF*
You need to BUCK YOUR IDEAS UP. We're being BEATEN by some stupid JAPANESE BLOG, that probably nobody reads because it's about SEGA and IN JAPANESE. We want pasta-shaped game character sightings, and we want them YESTERDAY.

*Apart from the man who sent us the pasta link, who is now the inaugural ELITE SEGA SCOUT ALPHA TEAM member, and so awesome we fired up Photoshop and made this especially in his honour:



Only the man who sent us the pasta site link is allowed to download and make copies of this image. Unauthorised downloading and distribution of this logo will lead to us pretending to be you on the internet and causing loads of trouble with who you work for.

They generate, literally, one million possible captions to do with girls-not-really-understanding how video games work.



The caption for this one could say the one on the left's checking to see if she's got anything stuck in her teeth in the screen reflection, while the one on the right is trying to use it as a camera. Because she thinks it's a camera!




Then, the caption for this one could just be "would" as in, we definitely WOULD like to take her home, then post bits of her body back to our parents to PROVE we're not gay. And so on.




This one would have a really long caption about PSP's poor battery life. The joke being that we have SOMETHING ELSE to put in her hands (a penis) that also takes a lot of charging up and then doesn't last very long.

IT'S GOT TO THE STAGE WHERE THIS SORT OF STUFF WRITES ITSELF AND WE OUGHT TO JUST TURN THIS SITE INTO A TEXT-ONLY LIST OF REALLY OBVIOUS LINKS TO PICS LIKE THIS:
Here.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)

It's all very well that TV commercials have thus far featured women playing Tetris and Animal Crossing and Nintendogs and stuff like that. However, the suggestion (proffered in the New Super Mario Brothers TV commercial) that birds play proper games where you have to not fall off stuff is TOO MUCH.



"Oh my god! There's a little man in there! How does he breathe? Oh wait, that must be what the holes are for."




This is the bit where she's actually shaking the DS up and down and shouting "JUMP! JUMP!" at it. If we'd made this up as a parody, people would have called US sexist.




Silver and gold medals go to A) The face she makes when she sees Mario eat a mushroom and grow big, and B) The face (shown above) she makes when Mario dies respectively, with the latter setting a new world record. "Wow! When I ran into that turtle it played a pretty tune! I wonder if I could get it to do it again?"

Let's all make 50 Cent: Bulletproof win the Golden Joysticks. That way, the makers will have to go up and accept an award so everyone in the audience can boo and throw wine bottles full of piss at the stage and laugh!



It's on TV and everything, so this will make everyone stop making gangsta games, and only companies that make sweet games about being happy animals will survive and a New World Order will emerge! (We'll be THE KINGS of this new world order, of course. We'll get back to you with a list of weird sex demands once we're crowned).

A man passed the Sega Park in Brighton seafront and thought of us. The place had two signs, one of which had the 'G' in SEGA and 'K' in PARK stolen. This is his story:

"I passed the "Sega Park" in Brighton seafront and thought of you guys. The place has two signs, one of which the G in SEGA and K in PARK were stolen by chavs who ventured off Brighton pier. In side "SEGA PARK" there are no SEGA games, in fact there is only really Tekken, one of those gay dance games for Chinese people and about 40+ slot machines. The people that work there aren't very pleasant. I'll try and get some pics of the inside of the place next time I go there but it's not very SEGA-y. Enjoy the pics!"

This is his pic:




This should probably be our new logo :(

Labels: HISTORY

It's the stuff we've been sent. At least, it's the remaining dregs - anything we get sent that's really good we do a proper update with and pretend we found it ourselves.

SOME BODGE-JOB MEGA DRIVE PRICK WANKER
"Some fool did this. I suspect it is useless as both a guitar and a Mega Drive. Cunt."





BLOKE DOING A WEIRD DANCE TO THE JSR SOUNDTRACK
Bloke doing a weird dance to the JSR soundtrack


SOME SORT OF BIZARRE PSONE/MEGA DRIVE HYBRID THING ON A RUSSIAN WEB SITE
"Don't know if you'll have seen this already but i found some sort of bizarre psone/megadrive hybrid thing on a Russian website, looks weird."





HOOKER MADE GOOD
"Looks like it paid off for some of those hookers you featured last year - whilst doing some E3 'research', I happened across this pic of the winner at the launch of her new booth babe career, posing with a couple of runners-up with breasts deemed big enough to be adorned with the title of some other Sony shite."

"And would, I s'pose."





EA'S GENESIS PAD
"Found a bizarre thing in Toymaster in Dublin... backwater that it is. Not a SEGA logo anywhere on it. Down with that kind of thing."





DAMIAN BUTT IS A 'CUNT'
"You seen Cunt's Corner? There's a fucking super nasty thread on there for Damian Butt. Nothing to do with me, but I do hate the cunt and like the idea of him being ridiculed in front of the industry."


A POSSIBLY INTERESTING FACT:
"Sonic is an enzyme now!"
http://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/MolDev/factor/shh.htm


SEGA WILL MAKE US ALL LIVE FOREVER
SEGA WILL MAKE US ALL LIVE FOREVER!!!!

"Looks like I'll need that pension after all :("


A DOG WEARING A SONIC T-SHIRT
"This is not my dog"





JUST A PICTURE OF WEMBLEY THAT WE HOPE WASN'T STOLEN FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE:





A FEW THINGS FROM JAPAN
"A few things from Japan for you as I'm leaving for England on Saturday..."

"First up is a packet of "Sonic the Hedgehog Tissues" I found in a Sega Center in Tokyo, the small text under "Sonic" reads:

I'll never look back, I've got no regrets
'Cause time doesn't wait for me
I choose to go my own way

"Which is interestingly the most sense you can actually make of anything written in English in Japan..."





"Second is nothing more than something I found quite strange, no pictures because I didn't have my camera at the time. In Sega Centers in Japan Sonic & Amy Rose are used for very few things, maybe signage outside the building occasionally, but more often that not they can be seen directing people to the toilets. Notice that like many diagrams for male/female toilets, they have the standard blue/pink colour scheme."

"That's right, though Sonic may have begun as a gaming character, Amy Rose was introduced purely to allow for all manner of toilet related sign creation!"

"That's it. Sorry it wasn't much and if it's been sent into you guys before."


CUT-PRICE HOMESTAR
"Was out wandering around one the not-so-cool shopping places in Tokyo today, and found your SEGA Homestar effort for half of what you paid for it... HALF! 16,500 yen! 79 quid! You got bummed my friends."

"Want another one?"





A HAMSTER PLAYING VF
"No idea of the origin of this one. But I bet old hammie would kick my arse at VF!"





EA 'PULLS A SONY'
"I saw this and only one word came to mind: 'Irony'"

"EA Mobile claims the market is flooded with bad games"

That's everything. Thanks for joining in, everyone.

Labels: GONZO

Forget all that stuff we've said about mobile phone games being shit and irrelevant and for idiots - SONIC IS AT NUMBER ONE IN SOME SORT OF CHART AGAIN!

THE ELSPA UK MOBILE DOWNLOAD CHART, FOR APRIL 2006

1 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - GLU MOBILE/SEGA
2 TETRIS - EA
3 THE SIMS 2 - EA
4 WORMS - THQ
5 BLOCK BREAKER DELUXE - GAMELOFT
6 ICE AGE 2: ARCTIC SLIDE - GLU MOBILE
7 MONOPOLY - GLU MOBILE
8 EA SPORTS FIFA 06 - EA
9 RONNIE O'SULLIVAN SNOOKER - PLAYER ONE
10 CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER 2006 - EIDOS

This is one of those little victories that makes us happy, like putting a magazine inside a newspaper and only paying for the newspaper.