UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Two of the most depressing, soulless and miserable things in the world are combining at Gamestars Live -- the despairingly popular trend of "retro gaming" and the abysmal "lifestyle branding" of the JoystickJunkies -- represented in unison at the JoystickJunkies Retro Lounge.

If ever we were to lose control in a public place and start talking to people in real life like we do on the internet (saying "he's a fucking cunt" and "you're a TWAT with gay hair" instead of "sorry" and "would you like a cup of tea?") this'd be where it'd happen.

Mind you, we'll still drink their free beer (because this means we win, as it incurs them expense without gaining any positive coverage in return for the trendier-than-thou rapers of gaming history).
Christ. It turns out DoA was a precise and realistic representation of the SICK PERV SHAME of real-life beach volleyball, as these images of the Athens 2004 Olympic Beach Volleyball event testify.

If any girlfriends of ours tried to go to the beach dressed like that we'd probably go mental on them with coathangers, claw hammers and acid so no-one would ever look at them again.

We've created some wallpapers of the amazing arses for those of you who can get them past girlfriends/IT departments. Enjoy.

Our favourite by miles. (1024 x 768, 123k)

Assorted v-ball ass desktops. All joint second favourites. Even the Chinese one.

Normally we like to protect our image sources, but in this instance feel we must share our findings for the good of others with nothing to do on Sunday than rhythmically tap their genitals into the underside of PC desks.

Pace yourselves, though -- these are only the photos from DAY ONE.
We've been dreaming of a time when, to play FIFA, is not to be painful, to be loading up the game not feeling sha-a-ameful – that time is now! Morrissey's recent single 'Irish Blood, English Heart' is on the FIFA 2005 soundtrack, a fact we were told two months ago but dismissed immediately as a joke.


Also impossible to comprehend is the inclusion of New Order's 'Blue Monday', a song so legendary in status that pinning it onto a FIFA game is tantamount to the VIOLENT ANAL RAPE of our childhood memories by some sort of tentacle beast from DIMENSION X.

Click here for the full FIFA 2005 soundtrack listing of shame. Has YOUR favourite artist's integrity just gone up in smoke?
So go the beautiful, poetic lyrics of Shystie's rap intro to Acclaim's new racer Juiced -- easily the most "street" and "urban" game currently in development. She shouts "Blood!" as men break-dance beside computer-generated cars which, funnily enough, is how we like to spend our Sunday afternoons too.

Here's a quote from Shystie, taken from our own personal favourite UK Underground Urban Music Magazine RWD, which reveals that someone's been lying to her quite a bit;

"It's called Juiced, a car racing game. My character is a gang leader, she is still called Shystie and it's out on Xbox and PlayStation in September. I've done a tune for it as well. It's the first game where you can do full damage to all the cars, plus you can kit them all up... It's by the guy who did Tomb Raider and Driver, the game's big man!"

We're not arguing with the bitch or her crew.

Download it here (25Mb avi).
Much as we loathe web sites that exist solely for unemployed web designers to show how much they know about using Flash and Photoshop, we can't help but admire the odd example of web-based image tomfoolery. Reader Kevin O'Connor (who may or may not be an unemployed web designer) made the following interpretation of the new-look Nintendo DS, which he quite rightly humiliates, putting it alongside a make-up device or absorbent pad of some sort.

With Aloe Vera extract.