UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Some bragging little SHIT has the lot of them. We've requested scans of each page, but haven't heard back yet. So he's either doing it and tied up for a few weeks, or just can't really be bothered - which is entirely understandable.

The British Library Sonic book collection

"If you have just gotten over the greatness of Where's Sonic, you may just be about to crap your pants again. Please find attached an image of my collection of the series of Sonic books. In addition to Where's Sonic, here are Adventure Gamebook 1, 2, 3 and 4, Puzzle Book 1 and 2 and The Sonic Joke Book. Right now you may feel the need to hear the Sonic related jokes, but for the most part these are just terrible jokes with very little to do with Sonic... so I guess you might want scans.

Or high-resolution digital photos. Or the original proofs from Ladybird Publishing.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Sony fanboys have been desperate for a 'technical edge' to boast about since the PS3 launch and IGN's review of GTA IV was it. Briefly. Unfortunately, the "subtle, soft warmth" of the PS3 version turns out to be the SHOCKING revelation that the game only runs in 640p and can't even manage any anti-aliasing. That means it is doing close to 30 percent less work just to maintain its lower-than-the-360-version-framerate. Cue lots of forum comments from PS3 owners along the lines of "Oh, well I prefer the soft, hazy, blurry look anyway" etc. Now you know why all the publicity shots were from the 360 version. Next.
Cheap? Check! Plastic? Check! For kids? Check! A sign of bygone days when it was Sonic and SONIC ALONE that ruled the world of video game merchandise? CHECK! It's the Sonic The Hedgehog... Spinning Battle Thing!

"I was rummaging through some old stuff and came across this classic Sonic toy. I'm not exactly sure what it's called, but it's like a miniature Sonic fighting game."

"Basically you had to insert the models inside the spinners, and twist them up. Then you'd close the case, and press the button on the side of the spinner to spin them into the ring. First one to be knocked down loses."

"An awesome toy, it's been played to death; the Robotnik spinner broke :("

"Well, just thought you might be interested! Thanks, Mike."

Thanks, Mike. It's certainly something to do an update about on a day like today. Even the blurry photos will do.
This is one of those updates where we have caved in under massive public demand. Everyone thinks we should "do something" about the HD remake of Sonic 2, so here it is.

Some kids on the internet are remaking Sonic 2 in HD. This is what it looks like:

Looks OK, innit?

We don't want to go "poo-pooing" anyone's hard work or anything, but the chances of this reaching any sort of meaningful conclusion are rather remote. It's one thing drawing up some pretty sprites and having everyone on the internet go "Wow!" over them, but sooner or later someone's going to get lumbered with recreating all of Oil Ocean Zone. Then it's not going to seem like such a jolly laugh.

You can see the nicotine-stained fingers

Still, we've been maintaining a SEGA-based folly for 12 years now, so aren't really in any position to go handing out advice.
Well done. As if a PDF "magazine" about PlayStation3 wasn't a bad enough idea already, PDF "magazine" PS3Zine has just told its readers to not bother getting Grand Theft Auto IV on PS3.

Because, and we quote, "You'd be better off buying it on 360" due to it being cheaper and better.

Well, that was kind of the plan already, to be honest

Evidence of the sound advice to (and we paraphrase a little) AVOID PS3 LIKE MCVITIE'S PLAGUE HOBNOBS, can be found here - should you be one of the three people in the world with the patience to bother with PDF "magazines."

'Read it, print it, BURN IT'

Well done. Good effort. We will ensure you are rewarded with a prominent role within the New World Order once we have assumed control.
It's happy 21st weekly birthday to everyone's most-ignored regular UKR feature! To celebrate, we have instead decided to pick out the very worst updates out of the dismal array of tat we have broadcast via "the network" this week. It's bad enough to have the internet police busting the front door down at 4.00am, dragging us to the station in our underpants and forcing the un-publishing of the below articles at gunpoint.
  • This thing about the GTA IV Activity Book, because, although being genuinely excited about GTA IV, there's still some subconscious need inside us to appear above it all and uncaring.

  • This thing about exciting innovations in the world of 'walking'.

  • This thing which is a relatively good shot at appearing enthusiastic about Unreal Tournament III, even though it would appear to be one of the most boring video games yet created.

  • This thing about Bulgarians not having the internet.

  • This thing about the LG 'Black Addict' washing machine launch, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Has to sit on it, else it makes the cooker vibrate

    This week constituted the "second strike" - one more set this bad and it'll be back to the Cornish dole office. 2/10.
    This is way better than Dreamcast pants!

    Look! FUCKING MASSIVE it is! Unless the car is really small

    Ebay is great. It gives people like me the opportunity to do a really quick update with minimal effort.

    The seller wants a thousand dollars for it, or 500 quid in proper money. The greedy fucker.

    Auction here

    Labels: ,

    Sensational Dreamcast towel and underpants set up for sale on eBay!

    Absorbent? SEGA branded? It is everything a man needs!

    Presumably the towel is for wiping yourself down after. It is more socially acceptable than using the curtains or the dog's tail.
    This saves us all ever having to go to Weston-"super"-mare to see how run-down it is. It is, on the International Run Down Scale, run down enough to have Sonic and Mario still on the boards of its game shops.

    You can get a grant from the EU to have stuff like this updated.

    MT - Mostly Tripe?

    "Please find attached some photos of Sonic spotted in the wilds of Weston-super-mare, my grim home town."

    Bath lifters?

    "I also took some 'environmental shots' to show the quality of the surrounding shops. It's a classy area of a high-brow town - Lee."

    MT - Miserable Town?

    That's Weston-super-mare ticked off the list.
    Banging party alert! The Glasgow hardcore scene is using unofficial Ulala artwork to lure tattooed squaddies into its darkened lairs. Two people independently saw and photographed this. Which means two UKR readers nearly met and had to have a conversation. Imagine how awkward that would've been.

    "Here's a photo of a poster with Ulala promoting a club night in Glasgow. Here's a handy Google map link, in case any readers would like to visit the poster - Dave."

    'Shout out to DJ Sonic. Shout out to DJ Robotnik. Shout out to DJ Alisia Dragoon'

    "I was in Glasgow City Centre today, and I stopped in the middle of a busy street - blinded by a woman who I have loved for years in more ways than a grown man probably should admit to. I knew I had to take a picture, as either you will want to knock out the stupid DJ advertising of Ulala's fame; or hand it over to SEGA's legal team to be evil. Lovingly Yours, Born2beSlicker."

    We also once did an update about a DJ called Alex Kidd and a music producer called Alexander Robotnick.
    Sensational new Sonic game takes our hero back to his 2D roots!

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Sonic's back, in his most 2D adventure yet!

    THERE HE IS!!!

    "I found this book in a drawer, from Sonic's heyday the mid 90s - Geoff."

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Thanks, Geoff! It's awesome! Your half-hearted email totally undersold it.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Finally. The 2D Sonic we've been demanding.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    If you have one of these, you want to get it on eBay now. Then we can buy it off you for the exorbitant 'Buy It Now' price of your choosing. To put with the yearbook we bought after some hero sent in scans.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    And why not charge £7.99 for postage and packing, too? We'd pay it.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Genius artwork. Love it!

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Must remember to do more of the GREATEST SONIC THE HEDGEHOG DESKTOP IMAGES IN THE WORLD updates, too. Still have about 120 of those to go.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Jesus Christ, Geoff. You could've re-taken the blurry ones. This is a Category A historical relic we're dealing with. It needs to be archived in a full non-blurry manner for future generations.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Can't see him. Can't see him.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    He's not in this one. He's DEFINITELY not in... oh. There he is.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    There he is!

    THERE HE IS!!!

    He's no way in this one. There must've been a printing error. He's just not here. He's not... oh. There he is.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    This is the most fun we've had with Sonic since the original Sonic Rush.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    If you don't include humping Sonic plush toys. That's more fun.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Bombs everywhere! Be careful, Sonic!

    THERE HE IS!!!

    Absolutely, categorically, amazing.

    THERE HE IS!!!

    The end. Must have. Anonymous benefactors SCRAMBLE.
    No idea. literally no idea whatsoever. But it's free photographs and words, so will do for today.

    "Seriously terrible stuff so apologies in advance.Short version, we built a Thing for our hens and covered it with old CDs for maximum psychedelic chicken freakout potential. One of those CDs turned out to be an old Dreamkey for the ever-marvelous Dreamcast."

    "In the pictures you will see the Thing itself (for context) and then some close-ups of the disk itself with some added hen action. They are clearly loving being close to it, or at least not running away in fear from it. Their little beady eyes make it quite difficult to tell, to be honest."

    "It's no DC controller box next to a tree but they have a subtle charm all of their own - Sir Rich."

    We exclusively caught up with Sir Rich last week, to ask him why chickens need a Thing made out of wood and CDs.
    UKR: Why do your hens need one of those? Does it have a proper scientific purpose?

    SIR RICH: To be honest they probably don't, what with them not living in tiny cages their entire lives, but it gives them something to look and peck at. Also, they're forest creatures so they like having dappled sunshine to lie around in, and it does give them that, too. We've also now lashed a load of logs together for them to balance on.

    Basically it's what you do in the countryside in an attempt to silence the voices, the voices and their incessant calls for blood. We built a henge a couple of weeks ago and a firepit today, which is currently cooking a massive lump of beef. it's like gadgets, but gadgets made out of mud and sticks.
    How very annoying. Ours were enthusiastically stuck up on a wall, left to fade, and left to get small airborne particles of jism attached to them over the years. What we should've done is kept them rolled up in a tube for future generations to enjoy.

    Fortunately, reader "Felix" did just that.

    "Just wanted to share with the cold, lonely and neglected SEGA Saturn owners out there, all over the world, the two Saturn posters that I own. Hopefully it will bring back some nostalgic cheer/heart break of the good old Saturn days to all those crushed Segafan spirits."

    "I managed to get these posters in pristine condition (I've never really unrolled them, hence the phones holding down the corners) on eBay many many years back, in the days when not everyone heard about it, they actually sold everything, paypal wasn't owned by ebay and 2nd hand games weren't massive over priced. There was also an awesome looking Virtua Cop 2 saturn poster that I wanted the most, but didn't manage to win because some random arranged with the seller to buy it outside of ebay, and thus only managed to get the two. If the seller or buyer of the Virtual Cop 2/Sega posters is reading this, I'd just like to say: FUCK YOU >:E"

    "Sorry for the crappy camera pics, I'm quite bad with the digital camera since my girlfriend is the one that takes the good photos...and I'm too embarrassed to ask her to take a picture of these posters."

    "PS: Also wanted to say I'm honoured that you guys copied and pasted my email on your webpage in 2004 - Felix."

    Thanks, Felix. And thanks for not bearing a grudge about the rather harsh treatment you received from us in 2004.
    It is everywhere. It is mocking us. The walls laugh at our collective failure and broken dreams. It's even in prestigious Japanese orange rather than European blue.

    The water in the plug hole. The icing on the cake. Even the clouds

    "I was on a business trip to Prague and saw our beloved logo being exploited by a glassware shop clearly ripping off tourists with over priced crap. I immediately thought of you - Gabe."


    Then you've gotta get yourself some Philippines candy cigarettes, dude! All the fastest animals in Mobius put away 60 a day!

    'I'll get you *cough* next time *wheeze* Eggman!'

    "I smoke now... Thanks SEGA! OK, not really, not even SEGA could make me do that. Well, not Sonic, maybe Aika (From Skies of Arcadia) could. I found these bad boys in the Philippines, a country where it's not cool to eat veggies, just meat and sweets - Rosskeld."
    Someone send a news crew to Sutton Coldfield - some idiot's binned a Dreamcast. It's clearly a cry for help from some poor, disenfranchised video gamer.

    Just blow the dust out of the connectors!!

    "Saw this in a skip today in Sutton Coldfield. It was raining, so past being rescued. Boo hoo - Jamie."
    Courtesy of Impact Innovations, which is in the process of licensing only the finest Chinese manufacturers to create a new range of Sonic toys.

    The fastest Sonic game yet!

    "I found some upcoming UK classic Sonic merchandise that you may be interested in. They're all by the company Impact Innovations, which have already made some Sonic plushes and beanies. Included are RC Racers, track sets (why Mario had one of these before Sonic I'll never know) WITH A LOOP, a Sonic figure with a webcam stuck in his stomach and Sonic and Tails USB flash drives. Which will clearly get you friends if you own - Sandy."

    2GB or 4GB of porn hiding space

    A 2GB or 4GB Sonic USB stick! Also available in Tails variety. If you want one, wait a year then buy one of the unsold Tails ones for a tenth of the price. Who ever buys Tails merchandise? He's second in quantity only to Big The Cat in the bargain buckets of the land.

    Sonic with guts coming out

    And a terrifying Sonic webcam. We'll go out on a limb and say there's ZERO CHANCE of this actually being approved and made. SEGA wouldn't put its name to any old tat with Sonic's name on, would it?
    This is no mere 'comb over' - it's pretty much a full 360-degree hair wrap around! His world is going to come crashing down - or start flapping around his neck and face - come the first strong Autumn winds.

    Hayao Nakayama - hair innovator

    We'd expect nothing less than innovation from Hayao Nakayama, the man who was president of SEGA during the 'glory months'.
    Sony has now said that Gran Turismo Mobile won't appear until 2009. That's the game it sent out box art, disc art and fake screenshots for back in May of 2004, designed to lie to people about the capabilities and software catalogue of its PlayStation Portable.

    And we've just noticed those are a woman's hands.

    Tick tick tick tick BOOM

    With every passing day, this lie sets a new record for 'Biggest Lie'. It is unlikely it will be beaten within our life times.

    GT6 Mobile

    It also wins Longest Running Lie, Biggest Joke, Most Desperate Statement and Most Ominous Portent of The Shape of Things to Come.

    At least it will come in that shape of box

    It is the Bob Beamon Mexico City 1968 of lies. This lie will stand triumphant for at least 30 years.

    'I not get... particular... memo...'

    "I don't think we'll be able to make the end of this year for the PSP version" - Kazunori Yamauchi, Polyphony Digital, April 2008.
    This is rapidly becoming our favourite type of update. It's just a thing that looks a bit like another thing. It requires no thought, just a bit of looking at to decided if the thing really does look like the thing it's supposed to.

    In this case, it does. It really is a bridge that looks like a Space Invader.

    Bridge/Space Invader amazing coincidence

    "Right, lets get to it, I found a bridge that sort of looks like a Space Invader. I thought it was a Gadget with a Face but then realised that it wasn't, so sent it to UK Resistance instead because a Bridge isn't exactly an idiot toy. Obviously, feel free to ignore my e-mail and insert it roughly into your recycle bin. By the way, I didn't take this picture with a super-dooper DSLR camera - I simply nicked it off Flickr. Thanks, CHRIS."
    Got sent this. Have reported sender to police for harassment.

    Phil Harrison, circa 2046

    "Hey there. I drew this a long time ago when I was sick and Phil's life still mattered to some people. I was going to ask that you use this instead whenever something dumb he had to say was to be featured on your site, but I guess I figured I'd never see him there again now that he's over at Atari, no doubt heading up the addition of motion controls in time for the 2600's re-release. But, like a bad penny, he just keeps turning up - Dan."
    Someone else has one. And it hasn't leaked over everything! And he's got a decent camera and knows how to use it.


    "Hey, just got in from work and saw your blog on the SEGA MEGA POWER battery. I remembered having one in my drawer and it was still there, so it was! I got it a couple years ago as it was hiding inside the battery compartment of a Multi Mega I got off eBay."

    SEGA MEGA POWER: More exciting than a Multi Mega

    "I have since sold the old Multi Mega but held onto the battery as I didn't want to part with it! So here are a couple pretentiously arty photos of it! Where's my tenner? - Euan."

    The tenner is for an actual battery, not just a photograph. You have to part with it. You still in? We're still in.
    Someone who has a set emailed a photo. They are slightly worse for wear. We still want some, just not these particular ones. Anyone with a set that hasn't suffered a severe negative end prolapse please get in touch.

    Sony-made batteries, true to form

    "In sheer SEGA collecting lunacy I bought a pack of these things back in 2005 or 6. They came in a blister which I opened to take them out to see if they still worked (and to take pictures of them, naturally). Two of them weren't corroded and worked fine. They should be in my Game Gear, actually.

    "I thought about sending you these pictures when you did the update how SEGA batteries would complete your life but thought they weren't that big a deal (oh how wrong I was). Guess I'll send you that picture of a SEGA g-string that was sold on Yahoo Auctions after all..

    "Anyway, here's a picture as of today. Complete with all the 'white crumbly stuff' that came out and was spread all over my dining table (and which should do a fine job rendering me impotent). However, taking pictures of fifteen year old obscure SEGA merchandise at 2 AM makes you wonder if that's such a bad thing... Ivan."
    We have made it to the big 20 without ruining anything. This calls for a celebration. Right, that was fun. On with the business of generating organic traffic growth via a series of cross-brand links.
  • This thing about Geometry Wars 2, which along with Ninja Gaiden II, is the only thing stopping us putting all our game consoles on eBay or a fire and just giving up.

  • This thing about IOC member Kevan Gosper being able to change his Facebook status from "is watching the ladies pole vault" to "is watching the diving" while in Beijing this summer.

  • This thing about phones.

  • This thing about having your dead self sent to the moon.

  • This thing about women touching each others' faces like buttons, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Would a reference to Sam Fox classic 'Touch Me' be too old for everyone?

    5/10. Which isn't a bad thing - 5/10 is average.
    SEGA MEGA POWER batteries! Please alert all corners of the internet. We must have these. Dead or alive. Corroded or as-new. Cash waiting. As much cash as you want. Even sex. Any kind of sex. Our ear holes are your ear holes. Jizz on our feet. ANYTHING.

    Open ever flap. Check every toy. No compartment left untouched

    "These could have been the sole batteries to bring the energy life of the Game Gear in line with that of the Game Boy and thus win the handheld battle and change the history of SEGA."

    Power beyond dreams!

    "Who knows, it could have led to complete domination and we'd be sat here playing Dreamcast 2 by now. Unfortunately, it appears as though they were made for SEGA by Sony, so I imagine they tended to explode and production was ceased. Shame. Cheers, Brynaldo."

    Seriously. Mail in if you have some and there's a tenner in it for you.

    The Germans got them as well.

    More host countries to source originals in!
    Sony's SIXAXIS controller is dead. It failed. It didn't work. No one liked using it. PS3's few decent games were ruined by having abysmal motion control sections shoved into them at the last minute by uncaring developers who knew themselves it was a shite idea.

    SIXAXIS levels were the equivalent of the early 1990s trend of putting an awkward rap into every song. What Sony needs to do now is admit PS3 is a disaster, then announce a £149.99 PlayStation4 in time for Christmas with some actual games for it.

    'And look how black it is!'

    "I think that the next generation interfaces that can be created built on Sixaxis motion sensitivity give tremendous gameplay benefits that far outweigh a reactive vibration function. The decision that we've made to build in the Sixaxis functionality, and Bluetooth wireless, and great battery life, and all the other functionality that comes with it, far outweighs the chatter that we're getting on vibration. And, it's incredibly light! Just pick it up!" Phil Harrison, Sony, October 2006.
    Here's a toner cartridge that looks like a video game shotgun. It even has an official designation that sounds like a video game shotgun - the Canon C-EXV8. If we remember correctly, that's the precise model that Chip Cockloader used in Generic Corridor SpaceDeaths II. No, wait, Generic Corridor SpaceDeaths III. The one that was set on Earth.

    "I was going to send this to Idiot Toys but I couldn't be bothered finding the email address. I was going to write something humorous about killing my colleagues, too, but time constraints played a part in this rushed email. BEHOLD... A printer cartridge that looks like a shotgun. Not an actual shotgun - I'd say a video game shotgun. Like Halo 3 shotguns. God that game was shite. How did it get those scores? I'd taken it back with in a couple weeks - I would have given it a 6/10. Call of Duty 4 is far the better game. Anyway. Shotgun! - James."

    STAR READER James also bravely submitted a mobile phone video of himself standing in the company store room and "pumping da hammer." Exemplary submission, James.
    Why do we love Tekken so much? Well, we interviewed ourselves to find out why.

    After we got hold of some delicious, illegal drugs, heretofore referred to as "hanky-panky", we shortly realized that Tekken is THE BEST SERIES EVER and we really love it. Yes, we do! We met ourselves in an Econo Lodge off a dimly-lit dirt road to find out why:

    Us: Hello. That is a nice tie you have on there.

    Us: Thanks. We found it in a trashcan outside Subway. We were lucky enough to get our delicious meatball sub AND a snazzy tie!

    Us: Is that so?

    Us: Yes. We cannot afford proper clothes. We have a deep fondness for Maddog 20/20 and Thunderbird, and of course, the "hanky-panky". *Winks at us* Can't get enough of that Thunderbird!

    Us: So, ourselves, WHY do you love Tekken so much? Are you secretly working for Kutaragi?

    Us: Why yes, of course.

    Us: Really?

    Us: No, we lie, because we have an addiction to cheap fortified wine. *Drinks more Thunderbird*

    Us: Certainly there must be SOME reason why you love it so much. The graphics? The music? The fact that it's always been PlayStation exclusive?

    Us: Yes to all! Virtua Fighter is t3h sUxoRZ! ^o^

    Us: Wow. We sure admire your enthusiasm. So how long have we been a PS3 owner?

    Us: Why, since launch day! And we also use the DualShock 3 as a sex toy.

    Us: Speaking of sex... We've always been... smitten for ourselves...

    Us: Yes indeed...we have... and we can't hold back our feelings any longer...

    Us: Oh...

    Us: Oh..!

    Us: Oh yes...

    Us: Oh yes...!

    Us: Oh yes!

    Us: OH YES!!

    Us: Oh...oh...oh yes! OH YES! OH YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    And that's why we love Tekken so much.

    Labels: , ,

    And with this, we end our voyage through the happy world that is SEGA Superstars Tennis. Well done to all concerned. It was fun. Thanks for refreshing the memories. Dreamcast WASN'T all in our minds.

    You have been playing...

    Nice one, Steve. Good on you, Tobe.

    You have been playing...

    All the best, Chris. Nice work, Trav.

    You have been playing...

    Hopefully see you in 2009 or 2010 for the sequel, lads. Stick some Rez and Blaze out of Streets of Rage in, okay?

    You have been playing...

    We're standing and clapping.

    You have been playing...

    We are also whooping occasionally.

    You have been playing...

    Top one, Nige.

    You have been playing...

    Well done, QA team. It hasn't crashed yet! Although one or two of the replay camera angles leave a bit to be desired. Whose fault is that?

    You have been playing...

    Well done, support staff. You all helped in some way.

    You have been playing...

    Congratulations, pen-pushers. Your boys did good.

    You have been playing...

    *Bows politely*

    You have been playing...

    And so it continues.

    You have been playing...

    Does it really take this many people?

    You have been playing...

    Two brand managers, both called Mark. That must create some amusing mix-ups in the office!

    You have been playing...

    Creative Services looks like a cosmopolitan bunch.

    You have been playing...

    Well done.

    You have been playing...


    You have been playing...

    Best wishes.

    You have been playing...

    Thanks for your time and effort.

    You have been playing...

    Rare to see two Aarons in such a small sample group.

    You have been playing...

    Take care, fellas.

    You have been playing...

    Thanks, everyone.

    You have been playing...

    Shit. We forgot to test out the alternate European language versions.

    You have been playing...

    We would also like to specially thank the Virtua Tennis team. They are the last of the true dreamers. Beacons that must shine for all eternity, lest we be plunged back to the dark times of chaos and disorder, and the days of shit tennis games.

    You have been playing...

    Not sure what any of that means.

    You have been playing...

    Good luck in the future, SEGA China.

    You have been playing...

    Side UK is a voice recording studio.

    You have been playing...

    Richard Jacques is officially "Very Special."

    You have been playing...

    And that's why.

    You have been playing...

    Which one of you guys do we have to email about getting a new Streets of Rage game?

    You have been playing...


    You have been playing...

    This was a bad idea for an update.

    You have been playing...

    We thought there'd be about 10 pages, not 30.

    You have been playing...

    Nearly done.

    You have been playing...

    Just a couple more.

    You have been playing...


    You have been playing...

    Thanks for having us.