UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
They look too old and fucked to have made any BIG MONEY and be properly famous. In fact, it looks like they were dragged out of community housing and forced into a nostalgic reunion tour by their manager at gunpoint to pay the crack dealers off.

Unless it's the other ones out of Red Hot Chilli Peppers who don't usually stand near the camera. Or Kiss but without the make-up? Or The Ramones before they mostly died?

Or the Beatles

"Spotted in New York, front of a 'Guitar Center' shop. I have no idea who those guys are, but maybe they were cool and famous in the 80s. Pretty much like Sonic - Omar."
A polite ripple of applause for reaching the quarter-century without serving any jail time or even getting demoted to the role of network comment-approver.
  • This thing about scientists messing about with monkey brains.

  • This thing which is part of an ongoing personal campaign to promote Ninja Gaiden II.

  • This thing in which I bagsie the press trip to report on the first manned European space flight in around 2018.

  • This thing about a boat that is not a death trap yet.

  • This thing about the Viteo Garden Shower, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Would - spray fluid up her legs

    The last one saves it. A T&A rule-invoking 7/10.
    The Ulala impersonator that Richard Jacques was illicitly fondling the other day has emailed in another photo to share. It's almost as if she WANTS a sea of abuse and innuendo sending her way.

    So get to it.

    Camera not worthy of subject matter

    "I really think you need to post this photo on your site, but unfortunately Richard Jacques wasn't there to grab my ass this time. And as you can see I've given up the heroin ;) Which may put you off, but if you're lucky I could ask Rich to grab your ass in return - 'Ulala'."

    The ultimate SEGA threesome with Ulala and Richard Jacques would appear to be on offer. Advice on how to proceed is urgently required.
    It looks like the first SEGA Saturn II launch game has been revealed - behold the piss-poor brown textures and 1999-level PC graphics of Motorstorm: Pacific Rimming.

    Motorstorm: Specific Rimming

    This, of course, is the CG trailer for Motorstorm 2. This is what they SAID it would look like. Some people may have actually believed this!

    Motorstorm: Generic Cruft

    And here's the game. This is what it really looks like. There's a bit of a difference. The sort of difference that some might say is downright CRIMINAL and a deliberately misleading act by a DESPERATE company on the brink of losing everything.

    Motorstorm: Moronic Wish

    This is also the game. Note that even covering the image with blur effects cannot mask the 1996-standard blotchy brown ground texture. As a last roll of the dice before extinction, this is a pathetic attempt.

    Motorstorm: Pathetic. Pfft.

    You're not winning us over by putting hot air balloons in it. Created by Evolution Studios. Or, as we shall now insist they are called, Devolution Studios. Or perhaps even Final Solution Studios, such is the horrific nature of the scheme it is planning to unleash.
    The rest are all just there for show.

    Wouldn't. There will be no female distraction during the playing of Ninja Gaiden II

    Seven of them, at a cost of at least £100 an hour each. And the one at the bottom-right is probably even as much as £150. The stops have been pulled out.
    SEGA Rally 3 is an arcade version of last year's console remake, apparently, stuck on a PC-based bit of arcade kit with more power than SEGA's Lindbergh board. Someone sent us photos of it when it was on test under the name of "Super Challenge" a few months ago, but we didn't use the photos because it looked like a cheap Chinese rip-off.

    SEGA Rally 3 logo of mild excitement

    Not a cheap Chinese rip-off. It is, in fact, a reason to visit an arcade again for the first time since 2005.

    'Super Challenge'

    "I'll see if I get more time and get some better pics of the machine and a vid of it in motion. I didn't see anyone else play it, but I was feeling proper rocked about when I sat in there!"

    You didn't read about it here first

    "Hope this is good enough, I was gonna send you a picture of a tramp walking around with Sonic the Hedgehog woolly hat, but I accidentally deleted the pic. Oh, and any chance you can put GHZ on the side of your "For people who asked nicely" for a link? THANKS!
    Sick, sexist game news portal Gamasutra has compiled a blatantly SEXIST list of women in games. Gamasutra is clearly only doing this to generate "hits" from pathetic men who enjoy objectifying women and then ranking them - not by ability or talent - on physical appearance alone.

    We are standing up for Jessica Tams, and about 80% standing up for Jennifer MacLean

    Gamasutra is clearly hinting that Jessica Tams (left) and Jennifer MacLean are the only "woulds" out of the whole bunch. Although we would also suggest that Gamasutra probably has a thing for the matronly charms of Perrin Kaplan. Gamasutra is a DISGRACE.
    It's your weekly glimpse through the looking glass, into the world where we try to convince other people we are grown-ups that know what's going on and aren't just making it all up on the spot.
  • This thing about football being for idiots and builders.

  • This thing about the unfortunate life of Richard Gaywood.

  • This thing about what Greenpeace moaned about this week.

  • This thing which is about politics.

  • This thing about what Aaron Greenberg said this week. We really hope Aaron Googles his name some time and sends us an email so we can concoct AWESOME SCHEMES together to take down Sony.

  • This thing about the Dreamcast First Aid Kit, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Reader also made excellent cutting woman joke

    Adequate. Made it through unscathed. No one died or got grassed up. 5/10.
    Finally, the cat is out of the bag! Fanta leaked the news last week, now SEGA has released the following official image of Saturn II:

    Saturn II - CONFIRMED

    Taken from SEGA Europe's amazing Flickr pages. That's OFFICIAL CONFIRMATION of the existence of Saturn II by SEGA. Review units should be out in the next couple of months, prior to what is clearly a winter 2008 release.
    Photos so good you can see the ink dots. It's a Saturn. It's definitely a Saturn!

    "I spotted this over a week ago, back when we had this year's summer. It's not a perfect Sega Saturn, but it certainly isn't any other games console. Just look at the pad! Buttons are probably missing because any extra detail would be lost in the fuzzy printing process."

    "You can just about see that the Fanta competition is currently running, although I know if the can had been from a 1996 promotion and I'd kept it for 12 years it would feel more special. This one got binned because it was a bit sticky, but I reckon it should be possible to pick up more collectable Saturn Fanta cans for a few weeks at least. Tesco are doing a two packs of six for £4 offer - Bander."
    Surely the games world can only take so much of this sort of horrendous onslaught before it mutates and starts eating its own babies?

    Exciting new idea


    Innovative development


    Market-expanding release


    Groundbreaking first

    It's not just on bottles. It is also on cans. This marketing campaign is covering the entire spectrum of Fanta beverage containers. SEGA must've laid down millions to secure such awesome youth-oriented advertising spaces for the upcoming launch of Saturn II!

    Surely the official SEGA press release about Saturn II must be coming out today now Fanta's broken the embargo?

    "I must admit, I kind of thought that this whole SEGA-spotting thing was getting a bit old and possibly even dull, but that was until I did some myself. WOW! It feels so good! Anyway, here's some pictures of a can of Fanta."

    "I didn't actually read the back of the can, but it looks like they're running a competition where you can win something that you want, instead of them selling out to any particular company. BUT LOOK! In order to show everyone what kind of things that they should be wanting, in prime position on the front of the can is a Saturn! Not only that, but a WHITE Saturn! That's what the kids should lust after these days, not a Sony XBox or whatever. Lots of love, Chris."

    "PS - Sorry about the photo quality. If there's demand I can use a proper camera to get higher res pictures. Alternatively, this is a piece of SEGA magic that everyone can go and buy from a shop right now, and see in real life resolution."

    The highest resolution macro photography of the "Saturn" Fanta tin we can manage.
    SEGA Saturn spotted on contemporary Fanta bottle! Clear sign of imminent return to hardware business for the once-dominant force in gaming! Fizzy pop tie-in cleverly designed to target youth demographic!


    Fanta Saturn WEEK

    "No this isn't some Fanta bottle I've been keeping since 1996 - this is a brand new Fanta bottle. What is on the side of it? ONLY THE BEST CONSOLE EVER CREATED WHICH HAS BEEN DEAD 10 YEARS! This can only mean... #1 SEGA is planning on re-releasing the Saturn and were planning some sort of launch with Fanta but they have accidentally leaked it...."

    NEXT WEEK: Gamecubes on Irn Bru

    "#2 Fanta are giving away prizes which can only be appreciated by those loser kids who were in their late childhood/early teens during 1995 to 1998 and decided to get a Saturn and then stubbornly refused to admit that it was dying and convinced themselves forever that it was the greatest thing in existence and developed a life-long hatred for Sony Computer Entertainment...."

    NEXT MONTH: Game Boy Advances on Kestrel

    "#3 Fanta requested a nondescript 'games console' on the bottle and the art guy got lazy and thought he could copy some console that no one would remember - Louis"

    Please write in. Clearly whoever designed this is a Saturn fan, in their 30s, male, and loving the irony of getting the image of a Saturn in a modern mainstream media campaign. You no doubt thought the suits would reject the design and tell you to do something that looks more like a PlayStation, but they didn't. You sneaked it through and can't believe your luck. Well done. We salute you, anonymous Fanta campaign designer *PINS ENAMEL UKR BADGE TO CHEST OF DESIGNER*
    Let this photo serve as a warning to anyone just about to start out in business - what's popular now might not be so popular in two years (or six weeks) time. Be generic on your signage. Good luck telling the kid working there now that you want a VCD repairing.

    New East Games - Desperately seeking funding for new sign

    "Just thought I'd send you a picture of this sign taken in Manchester's China Town. The emporium in question stopped stocking Dreamcast stuff years ago, but the sign remains."

    Shenmue III revealed!!!!

    "You can also wander around the surrounding oriental style streets, looking for sailors and fobbing advances from fit girls, like Ryo from Shenmue. That's what I do. I have been punched a few times though. Cheers! - Father Krishna."
    We're not just here to catalogue the banal SEGA and SEGA-like objects of yesteryear, you know. Here's some other junk churned out for various elsewheres over the last seven or so days...
  • This thing which is a triumphant return to rabble-rousing. You'd think most of these people would have something better to do during the day.

  • This thing which is more of the same. If but one PlayStation3 owner forgets to login to "PSN" today and doesn't impulse-buy a game because they were too busy "fire-fighting" on the internet, it will all have been worth it.

  • This thing which is a review of the Gears of War 2 trailer. Revel in our barely-concealed disgust of the tedious men-going-"HOLY SHIT" franchise.

  • This thing about Scarlett Johansson's chest and new album.

  • This thing about our new internet boyfriend Aaron Greenberg being 100% AWESOME.

  • This thing about the Urban Tool Sportholster, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • Debate rages over whether she's having a poo or a baby

    Not bad considering the hot weather and all the distractions it brings. 7/10.
    Guess what's SEGA about this photo? It's the font. The font looks a bit like the SEGA font. That's why someone went to the effort of taking a photo of the back of a bus and sending it in. Sadly we've lost the email it came with - or the guy would be in for a UKR KNIGHTHOOD.

    Photos like this are why we will still be doing this site even when we are 86, weeing through a tube into a bucket, and paying £99 a minute to use the hospital wi-fi on a laptop.


    This is the bottom. The absolute bottom. Touch it. It's solid. It is not possible to go any lower than this. It makes the update about the SEGA carpet seem as exciting as smoking crack with Kate Moss.

  • A Russian mask that's a bit like Sonic

  • A Sonic balloon at a fair, from a distance

  • A chair logo that looks a bit like Dr Robotnik

  • A French menu that has the word Sega on it

  • Sonic tie :(

    "Look at this picture - it's a French SEGA bus! Admittedly it doesn't say SEGA, but the logo's in a sort of SEGA font plus it's got an S and an A and the S is even in the right place. This bus was parked next to the Eiffel Tower last week and I like to think that maybe Sonic was running up the tower and doing some daring jumps and that. Except he wasn't, because I went up it and there were just a load of German wankers there hogging the telescopes. Although admittedly I only went up to the second level on account of it being knackering and me being quite fat, so maybe Sonic was at the top! Or whatever - Pete Raper (no joke)."
    It's certainly a pretty piece of artwork, we'll give it that, but it'd be much more at home on a piece of paper or on the cover of your geography folder. Not on your whole arm until you die.


    "Just copied of a random site... it's sonic related and therefore incredibly relevant. Do with it what you please.. save it for your "private time" or share it with your readers. If you should against better judgement post the pic, keep my name out of it. I've got a family to think of - Anonymous Random Goth Photo Searcher."
    Forget humanitarian concerns regarding human rights abuse - China clearly ROCKS due to having a liking of Sonic The Hedgehog! Forget Tibet and child labour. If China's bringing SEGA enough revenue for a triumphant future return to the hardware market, let's all turn a blind eye.


    "Saw this outside an internet bar in Chang An China, the middle of nowhere, borderline third world place where the sweatshops spread as far as the eye can see. Thankfully Sonic is there to brighten up the workers 14 hours days! - Chris."
    Two of them! This pair is helping organise GameHorizon, which is some sort of worthy development conference we can't be bothered to read the press release about.

    'Conference Director' and 'Business Development Manager' - AKA not really in games

    Borderline. Hard to say with any certainty. But if we absolutely had to decide and express the answer in binary, this would be a 01 - if only because 1 looks like it'd put up less of a struggle so we'd be out of there sooner.
    Desperate times call for desperate measures. Seeing as Sony's best game of 2008 is a demo of something that won't be out until 2009, it pulled out all the stops and hired a few ladies to stand beside cars in a practise we though died out in the early 1980s.

    Sony's GT5 honeyz

    We have waited this long to feature the photos not out of laziness, but to avoid raising awareness of the game during its launch period.

    Sony's GT5 honeyz

    The last thing we want to do is fall into some Sony-sponsored PR trap.

    Sony's GT5 honeyz

    Remember - £25 for a demo is NOT a good use of your money.
    It's the exciting semi-regular new feature DREAMCAST LOGO IN REAL LIFE! Have you seen one? If so, take a photo and send it in. No one will think you're weird, not even when you're taking photos in the bathrooms section of B&Q.

    "While being dragged around B&Q by the Girlfriend I came across a shower that made the trip worth while... well, almost worthwhile."

    "Behold the Dreamcast Shower! Wash Away that dirty Sony feeling!"

    "The price was quite reasonable too, especially when you consider that while doing a Rocky Push-up in the shower you can be hypnotised by the magical swirl - Midgetcorrupter."

    Rocky Push-up? Is that what the kids call wanking nowadays? Or is it a type of sex?


    Local newspaper in GLARING FACTUAL INACCURACIES shocker. At least they didn't call it the Nintento PlayStation3.

    '5/5 - Drogheda Afternoon Observer'

    This is what happens when women in their early 60s in small villages proof read the pages before they're sent to press. Spotted by "Mark" who is still alive and well, but doesn't send any regards.
    Reader "JMB" correctly worked out that all you have to do to "get on" UKR is put "SEGA" into eBay then click through the pages long enough until something from before 1998 comes up. Here's what came up for JMB.

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    It's a Sonic Mountain Quest Cheap Plastic Christmas Present!

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    Buy it, put it in the loft. Then your grandchildren can callously bin it when they're clearing out the house to sell a mere 12 hours after you've died.

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    Or just don't buy it. Spend the money on something useful, like a nice bit of beef for Sunday.

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    By "nice bit of beef" we mean some meat for dinner, not a cheap prostitute.

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    "It has not been used as it has only been stored by a collector, not a child!" says the eBay listing. We already knew that.

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    Only a collector would know the value and importance of supplying a photograph of the almost entirely featureless rear of the machine.

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    That looks like 1982. Surely Sonic The Hedgehog wasn't invented by Tomy in 1982 and then subsequently licensed by SEGA in 1989?

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    It's OK. Any good collector knows that we'll be needing a close-up of the game description text.

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    There you go.

    Oh no! Dr Robotnik has [INSERT PERIL REFERENCE]

    It was on eBay along with some pinball thing. The listing has finished, which is probably for the best. We all have way too much of this kind of shit already.
    It's another Sonic-themed rubbish bin. Imagine how well it would compliment the astonishing carpet. That's what we will be imagining today. That and the usual revenge fantasies.

    Chewing Gum Zone

    "He's a little battered, but still kicking. The place I found him was spotless in terms of rubbish laying around. I think we all know why - Mengzor."
    The mask of reality slips, as Sonic wheezes home in a time of 7 hours and 26 minutes. Then sits on the pavement sobbing "NEVER AGAIN" into a tin foil blanket as blood oozes from his nipples and shoes.

    Two people captured the moment for eternity. Here are their tales.

    "Sonic clearly wasn't putting much effort into his 2008 London Marathon run, otherwise he would have done it well under one hour... - Gavin."

    "Dear Sega Superstar Tennis Monthly, I was wandering around London on Marathon day, watching the sweaty people stagger by, when a banner caught my eye."

    "It seemed to be saying that Sonic would be running, which is a bit daft as he's clearly got a massive non-human freaky genetic advantage. However, in the distance I noticed a strange blue dot that grew rapidly into Sonic."

    "My friend managed to grab a few blurry pictures as he flew by. And I figured you grow too old for this shit. I guess they made him start a couple of hours after everyone else to make it fair."

    "I also made him take pictures of this strange old man carrying a load of balloons saying kids."

    "I kind of hope that it isn't some kind of charity based acronym but instead he's just a very pro-active paedo. Here's hoping - Sig."
    It was the week that GTA IV came out, so there was a lot of pretending to be done. We pretended to be excited, pretended to buy it, pretended to like it and pretended we'd rather play it than get a few more Achievements out of Ikaruga instead. It is, pretty much, A WORLD OF LIES. Including:
  • This thing which is a slightly embellished account of trying to find a copy of GTA IV on launch day.

  • This thing which is a massively embellished account of trying to find a copy of GTA IV the day after launch.

  • This thing about The Pirate Bay getting in on GTA IV launch fever by encouraging everyone to steal it off the internet.

  • This thing about Radiohead which still doesn't make much sense.

  • This thing about ridiculously fashionable youths standing in the vicinity of scooters, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

  • It's a scooter, not a motorcycle. And that's what looks like a woman

    It's either carry on doing this or retrain and get a job as an IT support manager for a bank. Might as well stick with this.
    Keen reader and occasional contributor "Chris" has spotted GLARING and UNDENIABLE similarities between artwork designed to promote SEGA's 1995 Game Gear game Sonic Drift 2 and Nintendo's 2008 game Mario Kart Wii.

    Given the 13 year gap, it is clear that one company is copying the other.

    To the left - Mario Kart Wii. To the right, Sonic Drift 2. Another case of Nintendo using SEGA to line its own FILTHY POCKETS.

    "Been doing a bit of browsing through the archives (ie my SEGA art wank bank) and have noticed that the new art promoting Mario Kart Wii is clearly a rip-off of the artwork promoting Sonic Drift 2 back in the day. I have attached both images for easy comparison.

    "Now, I'm no artist, but it's clear that the perspective is similar (albeit slightly more raised in the Sonic one, clearly suggesting a position of dominance over Mario's effort), each game's main character is in the lead, there are all sorts of dopey fuckers trying to catch up in each, and both generally evoke chaos in a manner that neither game could ever hope to realistically convey.

    "Naturally, the Sonic one looks better because 2D art is always better than 3D art, and because Metal Sonic is clearly trying to rape Amy Rose by drilling a hole through the front of his car and the back of hers, and by forcing his extending metallic cock through both holes and directly into her ring-piece. And clearly, judging by her face, she's none the wiser. She will be soon when the blood starts flowing.

    "Anyway, I hope this makes it clear that Nintendo clearly owes SEGA some sort of money or, at the very least, a loan of Shigsy for a while so he can make Shenmue 3, complete with Animal Crossing toys in the capsule machines."