Back in January of this year, Sony earned "column inches" by boasting that that PlayStation3 had overtaken Xbox 360 in parts of Europe and was selling at "three times" the rate of Microsoft's console. We have reproduced the quote for you here:
However, retailer GAME has just revealed official UK sales data which shows Sony has sold 1.4 million PS3s in the UK, compared to Microsoft's 2.3 million Xbox 360s. That is a VERY LARGE GAP and not what even the wildest of statisticians would consider a close battle.
It is certainly not three times as many. It is more like loads less.
Do not trust this man, anyone on his pay roll or people that transcribe his interviews.
THOSE UK HARDWARE TOTALS AGAIN, AS OF SEPTEMBER 2008:
"...the team here expect to overtake the installed base of Xbox 360 across all PAL territories in late summer," David Reeves, Sony Europe, January 24 2008.
However, retailer GAME has just revealed official UK sales data which shows Sony has sold 1.4 million PS3s in the UK, compared to Microsoft's 2.3 million Xbox 360s. That is a VERY LARGE GAP and not what even the wildest of statisticians would consider a close battle.
It is certainly not three times as many. It is more like loads less.
Do not trust this man, anyone on his pay roll or people that transcribe his interviews.
THOSE UK HARDWARE TOTALS AGAIN, AS OF SEPTEMBER 2008:
DS: 7.1m
Wii: 3.6m
PSP: 2.9m
360: 2.3m
PS3: 1.4m
Labels: LIES, WAR ON PS3
Why do we love Tekken so much? Well, we interviewed ourselves to find out why.
After we got hold of some delicious, illegal drugs, heretofore referred to as "hanky-panky", we shortly realized that Tekken is THE BEST SERIES EVER and we really love it. Yes, we do! We met ourselves in an Econo Lodge off a dimly-lit dirt road to find out why:
Us: Hello. That is a nice tie you have on there.
Us: Thanks. We found it in a trashcan outside Subway. We were lucky enough to get our delicious meatball sub AND a snazzy tie!
Us: Is that so?
Us: Yes. We cannot afford proper clothes. We have a deep fondness for Maddog 20/20 and Thunderbird, and of course, the "hanky-panky". *Winks at us* Can't get enough of that Thunderbird!
Us: So, ourselves, WHY do you love Tekken so much? Are you secretly working for Kutaragi?
Us: Why yes, of course.
Us: Really?
Us: No, we lie, because we have an addiction to cheap fortified wine. *Drinks more Thunderbird*
Us: Certainly there must be SOME reason why you love it so much. The graphics? The music? The fact that it's always been PlayStation exclusive?
Us: Yes to all! Virtua Fighter is t3h sUxoRZ! ^o^
Us: Wow. We sure admire your enthusiasm. So how long have we been a PS3 owner?
Us: Why, since launch day! And we also use the DualShock 3 as a sex toy.
Us: Speaking of sex... We've always been... smitten for ourselves...
Us: Yes indeed...we have... and we can't hold back our feelings any longer...
Us: Oh...
Us: Oh..!
Us: Oh yes...
Us: Oh yes...!
Us: Oh yes!
Us: OH YES!!
Us: Oh...oh...oh yes! OH YES! OH YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE
And that's why we love Tekken so much.
After we got hold of some delicious, illegal drugs, heretofore referred to as "hanky-panky", we shortly realized that Tekken is THE BEST SERIES EVER and we really love it. Yes, we do! We met ourselves in an Econo Lodge off a dimly-lit dirt road to find out why:
Us: Hello. That is a nice tie you have on there.
Us: Thanks. We found it in a trashcan outside Subway. We were lucky enough to get our delicious meatball sub AND a snazzy tie!
Us: Is that so?
Us: Yes. We cannot afford proper clothes. We have a deep fondness for Maddog 20/20 and Thunderbird, and of course, the "hanky-panky". *Winks at us* Can't get enough of that Thunderbird!
Us: So, ourselves, WHY do you love Tekken so much? Are you secretly working for Kutaragi?
Us: Why yes, of course.
Us: Really?
Us: No, we lie, because we have an addiction to cheap fortified wine. *Drinks more Thunderbird*
Us: Certainly there must be SOME reason why you love it so much. The graphics? The music? The fact that it's always been PlayStation exclusive?
Us: Yes to all! Virtua Fighter is t3h sUxoRZ! ^o^
Us: Wow. We sure admire your enthusiasm. So how long have we been a PS3 owner?
Us: Why, since launch day! And we also use the DualShock 3 as a sex toy.
Us: Speaking of sex... We've always been... smitten for ourselves...
Us: Yes indeed...we have... and we can't hold back our feelings any longer...
Us: Oh...
Us: Oh..!
Us: Oh yes...
Us: Oh yes...!
Us: Oh yes!
Us: OH YES!!
Us: Oh...oh...oh yes! OH YES! OH YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE
And that's why we love Tekken so much.
Labels: GONZO, LIES, PR DISASTER
This is something that's been bothering us for quite a while now. We remember reading a quote by Shigeru Miyamoto about how Super Mario World was ONLY possible on the Super NES and being rather skeptical. While there actually are some bits of it that can't be done on the NES (the boss fights, that huge Bullet Bill in the very first level that comes in and scares the shit out of you), his example was simply a disgusting case of passive-aggressive SEGA-HATING: (taken from hint book/Nintendo propaganda booklet "Mario Mania")
Yes, whatever you say, Shiggy. We'd like to introduce you all to this- a homemade port of Super Mario World to the NES made by some enterprising Asian hackers:
It is, sadly, the only NES game we really like, as we don't have the attention span for things like Contra or Rad Racer. This has caused a life-long alienation from internet forums where people sit around and talk about how great the NES is/was.
So that's it- Yoshi does everything he does in the SNES version; eat berries and enemies and spit fireballs. When you get hit he doesn't run away as fast, which is fine with us because his "running away" animation in the SNES version always made us think Yoshi was running to the nearest bottomless pit to commit suicide or something and made us feel uncomfortable.
Yes, whatever you say, Shiggy. We'd like to introduce you all to this- a homemade port of Super Mario World to the NES made by some enterprising Asian hackers:
It is, sadly, the only NES game we really like, as we don't have the attention span for things like Contra or Rad Racer. This has caused a life-long alienation from internet forums where people sit around and talk about how great the NES is/was.The game itself is very impressive, and enjoyable to play:
Even if there are parts where you get stuck and have to reset.
Look, there's Yoshi! Ready for mounting.
...oh...
...OH...
BAM! And we're off!
Shit. It's hard to take screenshots and control a semi-buggy NES game at the same time.
So much for believing you, Shiggy!
Labels: LIES
Certainly you all remember Nintendogs. Right? We went all crazy about it back when everyone else was going crazy about it, but in the end it was found to be not as compelling as we had hoped, and unable to tear us away from our routine of napping at inappropriate times and being much too greedy when it comes to torrenting files over the internet (example: the entire NTSC/U Sega Saturn library-- too bad our Saturn is lying in pieces on the floor from a failed modchipping attempt).
But through good old fashioned "journalism" we have found that one of the key components of Nintendogs, the incredibly boring part where you have to walk your dog around the city lest it go CRAZY on you (or something like that, we really don't remember), appears to have been SHAMELESSLY RIPPED OFF from a Sega arcade machine from 2001.
Don't worry, you've never played it. If you have, please email us and tell us if it was fun or not and if you had to clean up virtual dog shit in a noisy arcade full of people playing REAL GAMES. And then be prepared for our offer to be a Yahoo Auctions Japan proxy for us, though we will require no charge for your services.
But through good old fashioned "journalism" we have found that one of the key components of Nintendogs, the incredibly boring part where you have to walk your dog around the city lest it go CRAZY on you (or something like that, we really don't remember), appears to have been SHAMELESSLY RIPPED OFF from a Sega arcade machine from 2001.
Don't worry, you've never played it. If you have, please email us and tell us if it was fun or not and if you had to clean up virtual dog shit in a noisy arcade full of people playing REAL GAMES. And then be prepared for our offer to be a Yahoo Auctions Japan proxy for us, though we will require no charge for your services.
Go here for MORE damning screenshots. (We apologize for linking to IGN) Surely this will cause an immediate uproar and letter-writing campaign to Nintendo of Japan which will cause Shigeru Miyamoto's resignation, and development of the Mario franchise will be handed to Sonic Team.
Actually... never mind.
Some of the diehard few still clutching onto their Dreamcasts and STILL REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LIE that the PS2 can do better graphics were ecstatic over the apparent "relaunching" of Dreamcast.com. As of this writing the link leads to some page about phishing and how the page was the perpetrator of a phishing scam. Just a few days ago it looked all official and Sega-ey like it was really set up by Sega of Japan, and it had this graphic on the front page:
Why yes! Yes, we do! Oh, sweet Jesus, it seems Sega really cares after all. And through the way that question is phrased, it knows that anybody who still has a Dreamcast (or even more uncommon, plays it regularly!) is a serious video game nerd who needs to move on and enjoy some of their more recent mediocre games for the current video game consoles on the market.
Why yes! Yes, we do! Oh, sweet Jesus, it seems Sega really cares after all. And through the way that question is phrased, it knows that anybody who still has a Dreamcast (or even more uncommon, plays it regularly!) is a serious video game nerd who needs to move on and enjoy some of their more recent mediocre games for the current video game consoles on the market.
But don't toss your Dreamcast! If you were to click on that graphic you would be taken to a page where you were asked to enter your console's serial number and your email address, and in return, get your VERY OWN Dreamcast.com email address- generated from your console's SERIAL NUMBER. Yes, you could have had an email address of something like "DU51820572@user.dreamcast.com" which is actually just a Gmail account in disguise (see below). Try using that as your business account and see how long it takes to get blacklisted by every spam filter in the world.
But then it turns out that Sega doesn't even own the Dreamcast.com domain anymore, and somebody else set it up- apparently as part of a maniacal plot to harvest the email addresses of innocent Sega fans. But for what purpose, we don't know, and we want someone to tell us. We had the misfortune of getting overexcited and hurriedly ripping out our Dreamcast from its connectors to get it over to the computer to enter in the serial number, and now some HOOLIGAN has our email address instead of mother Sega. But then again, so what? According to our spam folder, so do 974 other fine people on the internet.
The worst part, or the most predictable part, is that people thought this meant Sega was planning something for the Dreamcast's 10th anniversary (that's right, 10th) which is coming up in November. We thought we finally might be getting Dreamcast 2, and this email signup was perhaps for a beta test of the NEW Dreamcast Online Network, which obviously would be better than Xbox Live (and we need not mention fucking PlayStation Home). As it turns out, it was all a load of depressing crap and it's just the latest in a long line of Dreamcast-related embarrassments, right next to the last game ever released for the console being a mediocre shooter and how they shut down the last GD-ROM factory a few months ago. Now we have to go through the trouble of putting the VGA box back in, which is always tough because of its short cable. Whoever did this better mail us a mint copy of De La Jet Set Radio, and soon.
The worst part, or the most predictable part, is that people thought this meant Sega was planning something for the Dreamcast's 10th anniversary (that's right, 10th) which is coming up in November. We thought we finally might be getting Dreamcast 2, and this email signup was perhaps for a beta test of the NEW Dreamcast Online Network, which obviously would be better than Xbox Live (and we need not mention fucking PlayStation Home). As it turns out, it was all a load of depressing crap and it's just the latest in a long line of Dreamcast-related embarrassments, right next to the last game ever released for the console being a mediocre shooter and how they shut down the last GD-ROM factory a few months ago. Now we have to go through the trouble of putting the VGA box back in, which is always tough because of its short cable. Whoever did this better mail us a mint copy of De La Jet Set Radio, and soon.
Labels: ENTHUSIASM, LIES
UK web retailer Kanection has had its launch allocation increased!
Or, to put it another way, "WE ALSO HAVE LOADS OF THE FUCKING THINGS LEFT AND NEED THE WAREHOUSE SPACE FOR MORE Wiis".
Or, to put it another way, "WE ALSO HAVE LOADS OF THE FUCKING THINGS LEFT AND NEED THE WAREHOUSE SPACE FOR MORE Wiis".
TODAY'S PS3 SALES DISASTER ROUND-UP:Web retailer Simply Games is already discounting PS3, selling pre-orders for 415 pounds. Gameplay, who we forgot about, also has some left. We walked along Oxford Street yesterday. London's busiest shopping street. HMV and GAME were still taking pre-orders. The FT says Sony's claims of PS3 "shortages" are "baffling".
Labels: LIES
This is a great email. It's from a Toys R Us employee who points out that branches are making its employees pre-order PS3s to boost the numbers.
That's TOYS R US IN PS3 PRE-ORDER LIES SCANDAL, if you want to use this as the basis of a news piece for your site or blog (which you should definitely do as it's better than uploading today's Sony America 'GREAT NEWS!' press release):
Great story, Mr Anonymous! We want more anecdotes from game shop employees like this, please! Mail them in. But bear in mind we won't print any positive ones. We will keep your name a secret.
That's TOYS R US IN PS3 PRE-ORDER LIES SCANDAL, if you want to use this as the basis of a news piece for your site or blog (which you should definitely do as it's better than uploading today's Sony America 'GREAT NEWS!' press release):
TOYS R US IN PS3 PRE-ORDER LIES SCANDAL
"I work at a Toys R Us store on the multimedia section, and our PS3 pre-order campaign is not going very well.
"We have big signs up advertising that you can reserve one, with NO deposit or obligation - that's a FREE RESERVATION - and no-one wants to. At first our manager told us to approach customers looking at the display, but mostly they were just looking out of idle curiosity and what they really wanted was a Wii (sold out), Xbox 360 (sold quite a few of those!), a PC (actually sold a few of those too!), or Yu-Gi-Oh cards. For some reason people still buy those. But no-one wanted a FREE PS3 reservation.
"So, in mid-afternoon my manager got all the multimedia sales staff to put through a reservation (which I felt very dirty doing), so he wouldn't get shouted at quite so much by the store manager, then told us to approach all the customers even if they were just looking at Hungry Hungry Hippos. Still no success, but we got more Wii enquiries and another 360 sale.
"By late afternoon my manager was getting desperate and started making announcements on the tannoy that customers could reserve a PS3 for FREE, but mostly they just kept wandering around looking at the Lego Gang Land sets, or the Bratz Prostitutez dolls, or whatever is popular with the kids these days. So the manager then canvassed all the staff members on all the other sections to put some pre-orders through the tills so it looked like people care about Sony.
"So, all in all on this busy Saturday, we did several PCs, a fair number of 360s, and we could have sold record amounts of Wiis if we had any - and a couple of PS3 orders from staff members who were forced into it.
"It was the 3rd best day of work ever (the 2nd being the time I worked for Game and read magazines in the stockroom all day, and the first being the time I played Unreal Tournament on my laptop at the railway station cafeteria when all the platforms were closed for maintenance but my manager told me to open it anyway)"
Great story, Mr Anonymous! We want more anecdotes from game shop employees like this, please! Mail them in. But bear in mind we won't print any positive ones. We will keep your name a secret.
Labels: LIES
Instead of uploading a Sony press release verbatim like it's actual news, let's look at all the PS3-selling online stores and see who's got some left. This is a proper investigation!
And so it goes on. This is completely unbelievable. Xbox 360 and Wii sold out in minutes - a week into the PS3 campaign EVERYONE still has piles left. This is total public humiliation for Sony.
Even better, poor old Play.com is selling so few PS3s it's now started giving away Adam Sandler shitflick 'Click' on Blu-ray with its bundles. Sales going well then, Play? Maybe if we wait another week we'll get a free Samsung LCD telly?
This is a graph we made to illustrate the facts, like Al Gore did in that documentary about the sun exploding. People believe graphs.
HMV: Yes AMAZON: Yes PLAY: Yes GAME: Yes GAMESTATION: Yes WOOLWORTHS: Yes ARGOS: Yes TOYS R US: Yes
And so it goes on. This is completely unbelievable. Xbox 360 and Wii sold out in minutes - a week into the PS3 campaign EVERYONE still has piles left. This is total public humiliation for Sony.
Even better, poor old Play.com is selling so few PS3s it's now started giving away Adam Sandler shitflick 'Click' on Blu-ray with its bundles. Sales going well then, Play? Maybe if we wait another week we'll get a free Samsung LCD telly?
This is a graph we made to illustrate the facts, like Al Gore did in that documentary about the sun exploding. People believe graphs.
Labels: LIES
"PlayStation 3 in Europe will play fewer old games"
If you have pre-ordered in error this should be a good enough reason to cancel, seeing as you're now getting something worse than was originally advertised. Isn't this sort of thing against the law?
If you have pre-ordered in error this should be a good enough reason to cancel, seeing as you're now getting something worse than was originally advertised. Isn't this sort of thing against the law?
Labels: LIES
Last week GAME started taking pre-orders for PS3. This week, it has already reduced the price of its bundles, from offering two 550 quid "deals" down to a 477 quid bundle with just Resistance: Fall of Man and a cable that costs about 2p a unit from Taiwan.
And it is still taking orders.
This, obviously, is because no one's INSANE ENOUGH to pay 550 Great British Pounds for a rubbish Japanese console. HURRY and place your order!
And it is still taking orders.
This, obviously, is because no one's INSANE ENOUGH to pay 550 Great British Pounds for a rubbish Japanese console. HURRY and place your order!
Labels: LIES
And that's not just tonight's wank fantasy - it's a SOLID GOLD FACT:
And don't go saying it's stock issues - Sony's got 25 million of the things clogging up store aisles out there right now. Six million sold by the end of March? Get real, dickwads.
Plus PS3 is still selling a ridiculously rubbish 20k a week in Japan. WELL DONE, WORLD! It's now more important than ever that Europe doesn't embarrass itself by bailing out Sony's horrendous, half-finished console.
January US sales totals:
Wii: 436,000
X360: 294,000
PS3: 244,000
And don't go saying it's stock issues - Sony's got 25 million of the things clogging up store aisles out there right now. Six million sold by the end of March? Get real, dickwads.
Plus PS3 is still selling a ridiculously rubbish 20k a week in Japan. WELL DONE, WORLD! It's now more important than ever that Europe doesn't embarrass itself by bailing out Sony's horrendous, half-finished console.
Labels: LIES
We got an email. It was nicely written, about no one buying PS3 and included an accompanying image.
This is the accompanying image:
It shows PS3 languishing in 93rd place on Amazon's sales chart. We probably don't need to once again point out this is because it's shit and too much money.
EMAIL REVIEW
This was a great email. The only 'downer' is that the accompanying image was a 150k jpeg, which is a bit big so needed resizing. For future reference, web pages are best screen capped, then cropped to 500 pixels wide, then exported as a gif from a pirated version of Photoshop. Had that been done this email would've got 10/10. 9/10.
This is the accompanying image:
It shows PS3 languishing in 93rd place on Amazon's sales chart. We probably don't need to once again point out this is because it's shit and too much money.
THE EMAIL
Thought you might be amused to see that the PS3 is currently placed at number 93 in Amazon US's top-selling Video Games list thingy, meaning that outselling it in 90th is Crazy Machines: The Wacky Contraptions Game on the PC and Mac, by the fine people at Viva Media.
Apparently "Crazy Machines gives you the chance to build your own unique contraptions. Solve more than 200 challenging puzzles, and put your machines to work". I must admit, my slacks did begin to bulge somewhat while copying and pasting that, and already I'm more excited about Crazy Machines: The Wacky Contraptions Game than I am about that PS3 thing.
Other items currently selling more than the PS3 include:
- Cooking Mama on DS
- Karaoke Revolution Party on PS2
- Game Boy Advance SP Pearl Blue (yes, a GBA)
- Mario Kart Double Dash on GameCube (yes, a game on a "dead" console)
- Final Fantasy VIII on PSone (yes, PSone)
- Brain Training on DS (even though everyone has it now)
It would also appear that the window Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly leant from when
allegedly shooting JFK was also sold on eBay but the offer was then withdrawn:
http://www.nbc5i.com/news/11047996/detail.html
...but the fact that someone at some point offered money for it means that it's technically sold more than the PS3 as well. And I bought a copy of Joe Montana's Sports Talk Football 93 on the Mega Drive for £1.99 out of Gamestation the other day, so I reckon that means it's now selling more than the PS3 too.
EMAIL REVIEW
This was a great email. The only 'downer' is that the accompanying image was a 150k jpeg, which is a bit big so needed resizing. For future reference, web pages are best screen capped, then cropped to 500 pixels wide, then exported as a gif from a pirated version of Photoshop. Had that been done this email would've got 10/10. 9/10.
Labels: LIES
That's good news, isn't it? It means Sony's getting a large number of units into the retail supply chain. It certainly DOES NOT mean no one's buying PS3 because it's a big piece of overpriced shit with a load of broken, year-old games.
Amazon also has some (oh, only about a million) left as well, which it is selling for an amazing saving of 1p. That really puts PS3 within reach of the average consumer!
In other REALLY VERY STUPID PS3 NEWS today, GAME has decided to only sell you a PS3 if you also want to buy three games with it and spend over 550 quid. We can confidently predict that LITERALLY NOBODY will want to do that.
It's almost as if they don't want to sell any. Which is handy, as they won't.
FAO SONY: OUR TERMS FOR SURRENDER
Dear Sony, we will stop mentioning PS3 if you can arrange to have ten boxed PAL PS3 consoles and ten collections of the entire launch line-up (all first and third party games plus peripherals) shipped to our home for selling on Ebay in time for launch day.
The number of PS3s we require will go up by one each day before our terms are met. No negotiations will be entered into. You have 24 hours before we need eleven.
Amazon also has some (oh, only about a million) left as well, which it is selling for an amazing saving of 1p. That really puts PS3 within reach of the average consumer!
In other REALLY VERY STUPID PS3 NEWS today, GAME has decided to only sell you a PS3 if you also want to buy three games with it and spend over 550 quid. We can confidently predict that LITERALLY NOBODY will want to do that.
It's almost as if they don't want to sell any. Which is handy, as they won't.
FAO SONY: OUR TERMS FOR SURRENDER
Dear Sony, we will stop mentioning PS3 if you can arrange to have ten boxed PAL PS3 consoles and ten collections of the entire launch line-up (all first and third party games plus peripherals) shipped to our home for selling on Ebay in time for launch day.
The number of PS3s we require will go up by one each day before our terms are met. No negotiations will be entered into. You have 24 hours before we need eleven.
Labels: LIES
So yesterday, popular European discount etailer Play.com sent out a press release to the world about its PS3 pre-ordering campaign. It boasted it would be able to fulfill all of its PS3 pre-orders and that it'd be taking pre-orders until its stock is taken.
Today, it still has PS3s for sale. It will be able to fulfill its pre-orders because it clearly hasn't taken more than three, despite telling everyone it had "overwhelming numbers" of orders. That was just a lie then, in keeping with the general lie-about-everything PS3 grand scheme.
Whoops. Maybe it's the ridiculous bundle, maybe it's that one of the bundled games is Genji, or maybe it's no one caring about Sony's over-priced and unwanted "HD" shitbox. BRING ON MARCH 23. WE ARE NOT AFRAID ANY MORE.
WITH THANKS TO KEVIN
With thanks to Kevin, who sent us the following quite entertaining email last night pointing all this out:
Today, it still has PS3s for sale. It will be able to fulfill its pre-orders because it clearly hasn't taken more than three, despite telling everyone it had "overwhelming numbers" of orders. That was just a lie then, in keeping with the general lie-about-everything PS3 grand scheme.
Whoops. Maybe it's the ridiculous bundle, maybe it's that one of the bundled games is Genji, or maybe it's no one caring about Sony's over-priced and unwanted "HD" shitbox. BRING ON MARCH 23. WE ARE NOT AFRAID ANY MORE.
WITH THANKS TO KEVIN
With thanks to Kevin, who sent us the following quite entertaining email last night pointing all this out:
So when I bought a Wii it involved rapidly refreshing amazon.co.uk at 9am and using my uni's huge bandwith to press f5 fast enough to bring a lady elephant to orgasm before they all sold out.
Play.com's been selling their launch allocation of PS3s and are stopping when they run out. I first checked at 12:30pm and as of now (9:30pm) they're still in stock.
Ho ho.
Labels: LIES
Well done, PlayStation3. Well done on having lots of really old European launch games that don't work as well online as they did a year ago. If only Sony was this inept in 1999 we'd all be playing Dreamcast 2 right now.
Not to mention Genji and the downloadable Sudoku game it had to mention to make the list look bigger. Never before has there been such an obsolete and unwanted games machine. It's not even funny. It's beyond comedic interpretation. It's baffling and a little bit frightening what's happening to Sony right now. We don't even have to apply negative spin - the pure facts are disastrous enough.
SOME NEGATIVE SPIN JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE:
Oblivion! New on PlaySta... oh.
Fight Night Round 3! New on PlaySta... oh.
Call of Duty 3! New on PlaySta... oh.
Blazing Angels! New on PlaySta... oh. And so on. You get the point.
PS3'S GROUNDBREAKING UK LAUNCH LINE-UP INCLUDES:Call of Duty 3 Marvel: Ultimate Alliance Tony Hawk's Project 8 Sonic the Hedgehog World Snooker Championship 2007 NBA 2K7 NHL 2K7 Blazing Angels Squadrons of WWII Enchanted Arms Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Double Agent The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Fight Night Round 3 Need for Speed Carbon The Godfather: The Don's Edition Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2007 F.E.A.R.
Not to mention Genji and the downloadable Sudoku game it had to mention to make the list look bigger. Never before has there been such an obsolete and unwanted games machine. It's not even funny. It's beyond comedic interpretation. It's baffling and a little bit frightening what's happening to Sony right now. We don't even have to apply negative spin - the pure facts are disastrous enough.
SOME NEGATIVE SPIN JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE:
Oblivion! New on PlaySta... oh.
Fight Night Round 3! New on PlaySta... oh.
Call of Duty 3! New on PlaySta... oh.
Blazing Angels! New on PlaySta... oh. And so on. You get the point.
Labels: LIES
Hot off the brainwaves of the average European gamer:
Figure a: Ken reveals genius Euro PS3 scheme. JUST SAY NO.
FACT 1: No one really cares
FACT 2: It's too much money
FACT 3: Shifting all the machines from unsold piles in American and Japanese warehouses to an unsold pile in a European warehouse isn't going to help Sony's 'bottom line' in the short to medium term
FACT 4: The best game is a free demo
FACT 5: 'Best' in the context of PS3 means '6/10 at a push'
FACT 6: The 'Average Joe' already thinks PS3 is an over-priced flop, thanks to low-level guerilla marketing by the New York Times and all of The Internet.
FACT 7: Virtua Tennis 3 will have online play on Xbox 360, so don't go throwing that one back in our faces
FACT 8: Tell pikey Britain that it needs to replace its Only Fools and Horses DVDs with new Blu-ray editions and it will stub a cigarette out in your face.
FACT 9: 599 dollars actually translates to 303 pounds, NOT 425
FACT 10: 60,000 yen actually translates to 250 pounds, NOT 425
Figure a: Ken reveals genius Euro PS3 scheme. JUST SAY NO.
Labels: LIES
"Sony's PlayStation 3 has also picked up the CES Best of Innovations Award for 2007, PC World's 20 Most Innovative Products Award"
You LITERALLY could not make ANY OF THIS UP:
Final proof that most idiots in the industry really do believe what the press releases that appear in their email inboxes say. What next? An award for the idea of putting PS3 in a cardboard box? An award from the Electricity Council for exemplary use of power? Some days all you can do is shake your head and wait until the memories fade and start hurting less.
You LITERALLY could not make ANY OF THIS UP:
Sony Computer Entertainment America Wins Emmy Award for PLAYSTATION3 SIXAXIS Wireless Controller
PLAYSTATION 3 Receives Multiple Awards and Honors at CES 2007
LAS VEGAS, January 8, 2007 - Sony Computer Entertainment America (SCEA) today announced that it has been recognized by the National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences with a Technology and Engineering Emmy Award for the PLAYSTATION3 (PS3) computer entertainment system's SIXAXIS wireless controller. SCEA will receive this distinguished honor at an awards presentation being held tonight at the International Consumer Electronics Show (CES) 2007 in Las Vegas.
The SIXAXIS wireless controller comes standard with PS3 and enables gamers to harness the potential of the world's most powerful computer entertainment system. Developed by refining the popular original PlayStation controller, the de facto standard in gaming with several hundred millions units shipped worldwide, the SIXAXIS wireless controller features motion-sensing technology to detect natural and intuitive movements for real-time and high precision interactive play, acting as a natural extension of the user's body.
Further illustrating its industry leadership, SCEA will be honored with several other awards at CES for the powerful technology and innovative engineering behind PS3 including the CES Best of Innovations Award for 2007, PC World's 20 Most Innovative Products Award, Sound & Vision's Editor's Choice Award and Digital Entertainment Group's (DEG) Emiel N. Petrone Digital Innovation Award.
"The overwhelming consumer demand and critical acclaim for PS3 is a testament of the platform's strength and the industry's desire for a true next-generation entertainment system," said Jack Tretton, president and CEO, SCEA. "The full potential of this powerful machine has yet to be realized - what you've seen so far is just a taste of what will be on the table for 2007 and years to come."
Final proof that most idiots in the industry really do believe what the press releases that appear in their email inboxes say. What next? An award for the idea of putting PS3 in a cardboard box? An award from the Electricity Council for exemplary use of power? Some days all you can do is shake your head and wait until the memories fade and start hurting less.
Labels: LIES
We love the internet. It never forgets. And it doesn't feel pity. Or remorse.
Those PAL machines must really be piling up by now! Sony will have about 25 million ready for the European launch!
HA HA HA HA HA ETC
Next Generation - Report: First PS3s Made for Europe
Those PAL machines must really be piling up by now! Sony will have about 25 million ready for the European launch!
HA HA HA HA HA ETC
Next Generation - Report: First PS3s Made for Europe
Labels: LIES
This is bound to come in handy next March:
"We're still on schedule to launch PS3 in March throughout the PAL territories" - David Reeves, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe.
We will be checking the internet every day to see if this remains the case, Dave. And anything less than 50,000 units doesn't count as a launch, either.
"We're still on schedule to launch PS3 in March throughout the PAL territories" - David Reeves, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe.
We will be checking the internet every day to see if this remains the case, Dave. And anything less than 50,000 units doesn't count as a launch, either.
Labels: LIES
Basically... Sony paid marketing company Zipatoni to make a blog about how great PSP is, because PSP is such a piece of shit no one on the whole internet wants to make a fan site about it for free.
Obviously it's all backfired and turned into a massive slagging match, as Sony's marketing gurus block words like "viral" and "marketing" from the comments fields and delete posts 24/7.
HOW WE LAUGH AT COMMENTS LIKE THESE!
All quotes left on Sony's latest fake marketing blog:
SEE THE DISASTER UNFOLD, LIVE!
And be sure to check out the awesome defence posts by site updaters 'charlie' and 'cousinpete' such as...
...over here at Sony's latest attempt at lying to people on the internet.
EMERGENCY BACK-UP:
When all the posts get deleted and the site gets closed because it's just too embarrassing to carry on having it on the internet, a recent back-up of the page will be located here. It's simply too good to let fade away.
Obviously it's all backfired and turned into a massive slagging match, as Sony's marketing gurus block words like "viral" and "marketing" from the comments fields and delete posts 24/7.
HOW WE LAUGH AT COMMENTS LIKE THESE!
All quotes left on Sony's latest fake marketing blog:
"As a gamer who is part of Sony's target audience I'm insulted not just by the integrity of this website, but that this reflects how intelligent Sony's marketing department thinks I am." "Second...Sony...PLEASE stop trying to be 'hip'. Please START focusing on product and games and opening a REAL dialogue with your users to make your gaming products better." "This fake cool vibe is as pathetic as an old uncle dancing to hip hop at a family wedding." "Please, while you're removing this comment and the 200 other negative comments above it (again), have the decency to do one honest thing in your life and inform sony of just how bad they screwed up by ordering this a_d. This is simply so insulting to anyone who truly loves games, the only reaction you will likely get is a decreased willingness to buy anything sony branded." "Just checking back again, I note that my post,saying the word advert(i)sing was banned, has been deleted." "Thank you for making me feel even better about not buying your products! And by the way, your incredibly horrible attempts at typing in a way you must assume most gamers type is pathetic. Way to go! You just insulted all the people who buy your products! Now back to Mario on my DS. :)" "Let's face it folks, PSPs are utterly worthless unless you hack the thing. Downgrade your firmware to 1.50 and install Devhook 0.5.1 and emulate Firmware 3.02 - swapping between the two rocks. And you have ISO support now." "Makes me ashamed of buying a product from such losers. if you guys wanted to sell psp's then why don't you get dame game on it, right now theres no great games on psp just a bunch of shovelware." "No one wants a psp, and Sony is going down in flames. I've awaited this day for many, many years now." "What The Hell! Not only is this fraud of a joke site a simple paid for advertisement for Sony, but it also is horrendously awful! You spent how much on this absolute tripe? Sony shareholders better wake up and start firing people left and right if they want to retain any value." "You want people to love your products and actually produce sites like this? Don't pay someone make a site... Just make a product good enough for people to love. The community and love will follow."
SEE THE DISASTER UNFOLD, LIVE!
And be sure to check out the awesome defence posts by site updaters 'charlie' and 'cousinpete' such as...
"we be just tryin to represent u guys... regular playas just tryin to get their gaem on, but now u gotta do all be dis then... u guys are noubs, pwnd!!" - 'charlie'
...and...
"You all is haters tymes 4. Dis is lee-git. Don't know why youse thinks this is a schill. Are site was registered through an external provider. We don't work for sony. And for all you dissin' my skillz I'm down for a one on one rap off or settling it street stylez if you feel me playa. Teh. I own a Nintendo DS and I love it. I would still like a PSP for shizzle. But the DS is just as solid." - 'cousinpete'
...over here at Sony's latest attempt at lying to people on the internet.
EMERGENCY BACK-UP:
When all the posts get deleted and the site gets closed because it's just too embarrassing to carry on having it on the internet, a recent back-up of the page will be located here. It's simply too good to let fade away.
Labels: LIES
Years ago, there was a mad bloke who used to go round Southend-on-Sea with a big marker pen writing CANCELLED on all the posters advertising forthcoming gigs. His dedication was legendary. No promoter could escape his midnight scribblings. We thought of him when we heard today's news and made this in his honour.
Tomorrow: Gran Turismo PSP CANCELLED! Probably.
Tomorrow: Gran Turismo PSP CANCELLED! Probably.
Labels: LIES
Ha ha! We've only been joking for the last ten years! Sony rocks! Let's all go and buy PlayStation3s and not even sell them on Ebay the next day! Let's buy 50 just to put in a cupboard! Come on, everybody! The PS3 party queue starts right behind us!
TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE
The Utility Belt: Sony's loss is at least $240 on every PS3, triple Xbox 360's
TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE
The Utility Belt: Sony's loss is at least $240 on every PS3, triple Xbox 360's
Labels: LIES
And the amazing thing is the reporter managed to find one man who was buying it for his kid, and not just to sell on for profit. The great thing about this, of course, is that no one will buy any games and Sony will just lose loads of money on the hardware everyone's buying to sell on. So carry on, greedy Ebay losers! You're actually doing us a favour.
We'll just be staying inside and not wasting our money on an over-priced rubbish thing we don't need.
Just checking his Ebay listing...
You know they've already spent the profit they think they're going to make by selling the shitbox for twice the price to some loser next week. But what on? Crystal meth?
This fat fuck thinks he's going to sell his PS3 on Ebay for two grand. Please, America, don't fall for it. Wait until Sony cuts the price or there's at least a game for it you really want instead of a deeply boring one you're pretending to want - i.e. Resistance Fall of Man.
Make sure you watch the video until the end. He clearly doesn't have a clue about the whole thing.
We'll just be staying inside and not wasting our money on an over-priced rubbish thing we don't need.
Just checking his Ebay listing...
You know they've already spent the profit they think they're going to make by selling the shitbox for twice the price to some loser next week. But what on? Crystal meth?
This fat fuck thinks he's going to sell his PS3 on Ebay for two grand. Please, America, don't fall for it. Wait until Sony cuts the price or there's at least a game for it you really want instead of a deeply boring one you're pretending to want - i.e. Resistance Fall of Man.
Make sure you watch the video until the end. He clearly doesn't have a clue about the whole thing.
Labels: LIES
What happened here is that Sony pasted a pretend energy bar and HUD onto a CG image, and some people sort of believed it for a while there:
This is the 'BEFORE' shot, from back when the entire internet didn't make up 10,000 Photoshop jokes about PS3 every day (we're very proud of you all).
And this is what it really looks like running on PS3. At least they got the Stamina gauge right, although they forgot what side they put it on when making the actual game.
HOW YOU CAN HELP:
Please vandalise the game's Wikipedia entry accordingly.
This is the 'BEFORE' shot, from back when the entire internet didn't make up 10,000 Photoshop jokes about PS3 every day (we're very proud of you all).
And this is what it really looks like running on PS3. At least they got the Stamina gauge right, although they forgot what side they put it on when making the actual game.
HOW YOU CAN HELP:
Please vandalise the game's Wikipedia entry accordingly.
Labels: ENTHUSIASM, LIES
Has it come out yet? Is it exactly like the PS2 version? Or is Polyphony Digital, the least-efficient development team in the world, struggling to make anything look half-decent on the obsolete handheld Lumines machine?
This lie was sent out to fool idiots into buying PSP back in May of 2004. It's now August of 2006. August 30 in fact, so actually more like September.
Well done, Sony. You made a pretend disc. This actually fooled some people for about a year! Fortunately we now know you just make stuff up and lie about things all the time, so we (the internet and therefore everyone in the world) won't be falling for it again. This isn't 1996 any more. You can't expect to lie to people and for no one to notice. Everything is recorded in Google.
And well done again for making a pretend box. Now you just need to make something interesting to put in it, as with PSP and PlayStation3 in general.
The amazing detail on the pretend box, where Sony cleverly preempted what everyone would say and then said it first. This, thinking about it, was the precise moment Sony started thinking that lying to people would work as its new strategy.
This lie was sent out to fool idiots into buying PSP back in May of 2004. It's now August of 2006. August 30 in fact, so actually more like September.
Well done, Sony. You made a pretend disc. This actually fooled some people for about a year! Fortunately we now know you just make stuff up and lie about things all the time, so we (the internet and therefore everyone in the world) won't be falling for it again. This isn't 1996 any more. You can't expect to lie to people and for no one to notice. Everything is recorded in Google.
And well done again for making a pretend box. Now you just need to make something interesting to put in it, as with PSP and PlayStation3 in general.
The amazing detail on the pretend box, where Sony cleverly preempted what everyone would say and then said it first. This, thinking about it, was the precise moment Sony started thinking that lying to people would work as its new strategy.
Labels: ENTHUSIASM, LIES
Like fuck it will! But desperate Sony PR minions are keen to get some positive stories into the media to quell the growing anti-Sony feeling (which hasn't all been down to us this time round either). Everyone now seems to realise it's great to hate Sony! We paved the way of course and now people are starting to cotton on. Our years of pissing in the wind were not in vain. Just remember kids; PS3 is ridiculously overpriced (especially in the UK) not as powerful as they said it would be, and Sony are evil racists.
Labels: LIES
Life is worth living again! We're happy! It's like being back on the Prozac/Zoloft combination therapy! Every day brings a new Sony DISASTER, as PlayStation3 morphs into more of a joke by the second. 425 pounds! A remake of an old PS2 racer as its 'main game'! A rubbish controller copied off Nintendo! Blu-Ray no one wants! Executives who brand it "a bargain" and think it's above criticism and that we should be grateful it's launching a new PlayStation at all!
Every day we wake up invigorated, desperate to see the latest in PS3 comedy disintegration. We'll be triumphantly hoisting PlayStation's bleeding corpse into the air yet.
And then there are the games.
This, 12 months ago, was what Tekken 6 was going to look like.
This is what Tekken 6 looks like today. Next year, when it comes out, it'll look like a third-party Dreamcast game like all the rest of the piss-poor PS3 stuff shown at E3. Seeing this breathes life into our souls! Yeah, Sony, carry on begging those third-parties to pretend their multi-format games are exclusive to PS3 so your game line-up doesn't look like such a disaster. It won't make a difference.
Still, women get punched in the stomach in it, so it's not that bad.
Every day we wake up invigorated, desperate to see the latest in PS3 comedy disintegration. We'll be triumphantly hoisting PlayStation's bleeding corpse into the air yet.
And then there are the games.
This, 12 months ago, was what Tekken 6 was going to look like.
This is what Tekken 6 looks like today. Next year, when it comes out, it'll look like a third-party Dreamcast game like all the rest of the piss-poor PS3 stuff shown at E3. Seeing this breathes life into our souls! Yeah, Sony, carry on begging those third-parties to pretend their multi-format games are exclusive to PS3 so your game line-up doesn't look like such a disaster. It won't make a difference.
Still, women get punched in the stomach in it, so it's not that bad.
Labels: LIES
A hastily-cobbled-together Photoshop comparison speaks 1000 words:
It is, quite literally, ALL LIES. Did you think we'd forget about this, Sony? It was only a year ago, you fuckwits! You're going DOWN this time. All the way. No doubt about it.
It is, quite literally, ALL LIES. Did you think we'd forget about this, Sony? It was only a year ago, you fuckwits! You're going DOWN this time. All the way. No doubt about it.
Labels: LIES
See this picture? This is what Sony said PlayStation3 games were all going to look like at last year's E3:
As we all thought this was indeed a MASSIVE LIE about PlayStation3's powers, as the below ACTUAL GAME IMAGE captured at the recent Game Developers Conference proves.
Just a slight difference then. Ha, and we believe, HA. How stupid does Sony think we are? Click on it to make it bigger and witness the full horror of PS3. Dear Jesus, please let PlayStation3 be the biggest financial disaster in the history of home technology. Thanks.
As we all thought this was indeed a MASSIVE LIE about PlayStation3's powers, as the below ACTUAL GAME IMAGE captured at the recent Game Developers Conference proves.
Just a slight difference then. Ha, and we believe, HA. How stupid does Sony think we are? Click on it to make it bigger and witness the full horror of PS3. Dear Jesus, please let PlayStation3 be the biggest financial disaster in the history of home technology. Thanks.
Labels: LIES
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A BOX TO PUT EXTRA STUFF IN
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