Why do we love Tekken so much? Well, we interviewed ourselves to find out why.

After we got hold of some delicious, illegal drugs, heretofore referred to as "hanky-panky", we shortly realized that Tekken is THE BEST SERIES EVER and we really love it. Yes, we do! We met ourselves in an Econo Lodge off a dimly-lit dirt road to find out why:

Us: Hello. That is a nice tie you have on there.

Us: Thanks. We found it in a trashcan outside Subway. We were lucky enough to get our delicious meatball sub AND a snazzy tie!

Us: Is that so?

Us: Yes. We cannot afford proper clothes. We have a deep fondness for Maddog 20/20 and Thunderbird, and of course, the "hanky-panky". *Winks at us* Can't get enough of that Thunderbird!

Us: So, ourselves, WHY do you love Tekken so much? Are you secretly working for Kutaragi?

Us: Why yes, of course.

Us: Really?

Us: No, we lie, because we have an addiction to cheap fortified wine. *Drinks more Thunderbird*

Us: Certainly there must be SOME reason why you love it so much. The graphics? The music? The fact that it's always been PlayStation exclusive?

Us: Yes to all! Virtua Fighter is t3h sUxoRZ! ^o^

Us: Wow. We sure admire your enthusiasm. So how long have we been a PS3 owner?

Us: Why, since launch day! And we also use the DualShock 3 as a sex toy.

Us: Speaking of sex... We've always been... smitten for ourselves...

Us: Yes indeed...we have... and we can't hold back our feelings any longer...

Us: Oh...

Us: Oh..!

Us: Oh yes...

Us: Oh yes...!

Us: Oh yes!

Us: OH YES!!

Us: Oh...oh...oh yes! OH YES! OH YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE


And that's why we love Tekken so much.

Labels: GONZO, LIES, PR DISASTER

Sony America has started a PlayStation "blog" and it is allowing people to leave "comments".




Let's hope nothing bad happens.

Labels: PR DISASTER

Sadly it doesn't show Sony sacrificing a goat at the altar to please the 'Sales Figures God'.




"Turned into a computerised scene of mass murder"

Labels: PR DISASTER

We were slightly worried when we saw the headline "Church Calls for Resistance Ban" but it's nothing to do with us, oh no. It's Sony again. Now the Lord Jesus is pissed off that they have used one of his places of worship - Manchester Cathedral, in their disappointing and under-achieving launch title Resistance: Fall of Man. "I think they are going to be in for a surprise because we are not going to let this one go," said Canon Paul Denby, Manchester Cathedral Subdean and Administrator. We don't know what plan of action the world's 2.1 billion Christians have in mind but it should be an easy fight against only 300 million PlayStation owners. We asked Jesus for a comment but he was too busy playing Gears of War.

MORE LINKS, FOR THE PURPOSES OF RUBBING IT IN:

The Sun Online - News: Playstation bloodbath is 'sick'

Church threatens legal action over PS3 game

Church of England calls Sony computer game sacrilegious

Church of England Calls Sony Game 'Sick'

Cathedral row over video war game

Cathedral shootout game under fire - CNN.com

Church of England Calls Sony Game 'Sick'

Church legal threat over 'sick and sacrilegious' PlayStation game set in Manchester

Church attacks Sony over video game

Labels: PR DISASTER

We'll let these speak for themselves. Although they don't really speak, it's more of a tortured howling sound echoing through time from 1995.


































They wouldn't be smiling so much if they knew the cheques were going to bounce.

Labels: PR DISASTER

Sony's "semi official" - ie, written by journalists paid by Sony - blog recently asked its readers how they thought the first two months have gone for PS3 in Europe.

Can you work out what happens next? (CLUE: You can see it coming from 58 billion, billion, billion light years away with the naked eye on a cloudy night).




It resulted in a totally predictable public backlash on Sony's kowtowing Euro mouthpiece. Here are some of the best moments. At least they didn't try to delete that awesome first post. Well done, Kerri. We love you, even if you're one of those pink-haired, flabby monster-women who usually work in game shops.

HOW PS3 OWNERS THINK IT HAS "GONE" SO FAR FOR PS3 IN EUROPE:

"I think the whole EU thing is going to slow to a halt if Sony don’t get the price of the unit down and, more importantly, *start getting some content on the PSN store!*"

"I’m currently recommending to my friends to wait until September before buying as it *may* be cheaper and there *may* be more popular franchises available..."

"I can’t remember the last time I turned my PS3 on... The PlayStation store is bare, and the release schedule over the next few months is also empty... These are hard times for early adopters who shelled out a lot of cash to play good games as quite simply there aren’t any more to play bar those that arrived on day one."

"There are no games I am interested in released here, and absolutely zero movement on the online store, and no reason for me to turn it on at all. Sony had better pull their thumbs out if they expect me to spend any money on games."

"It’s going to be Wii60 everywhere this generation unless Sony can remove their head from a dark place and slash the price by 40 percent in all territories."

"Well my PS3 is a very bad PS2 machine at the moment because of the lack of new content since the launch I’m having to just play badly compatible PS2 games on it. Played all the launch games and I’ve already beaten Oblivion on the 360 and PC. I’m also hearing from my local game more then half the people who have bought it have taken it back and sales are around 1 per week."

"I haven’t used it for anything other than the photo album for about a month."

"We need more games, and better games, all the games that I can play right now looks like they are unfinished versions. PSN sucks, every game has his own way to invite friends, you can not chat with a friend while playing a game. Please we need something equals to Xbox Live and if you can, Better than XBL."

"Lately its just gathering dust really. No new content just a bunch of old trailers and 20 year old games no one wants to play anymore. And what about the games, seems like all the titles just keep getting pushed back and pushed back, how are SONY supposed to keep me interested in the PS3 if there is no new CONTENT. Compared to XBL the PSN is a joke, really. But after all said and done, I'm happy with my 600 euro folding machine, glad i can help Stanford university out."

"I want a PS3 - but until a significant price drop occurs there is no way I’ll be buying one... Judging by the amount available in stores, I guess I’m not the only one!"

So when Sony's US PR goon Dave Karakker blames the internet for destroying PS3's image, he presumably means sites Sony is paying for itself rather than independent upholders of truth such as UKR?

The funniest thing about PS3's pointless existence is the one thing Sony's sheep-like loser fans think will save it. HOME, the cumbersome 3D chat-room system from 1998, that is costing Sony millions to develop - and will then be given away for free. We couldn't design the total public collapse of a major corporation better if we tried.

F.A.O THREESPEECH ADMINS:
We are saving a regular copy of the page once every thirty minutes, should some sort of 'server accident' result in it disappearing or any of the comments getting inadvertently deleted. If you need our 'back up' version of the page at any time, please get in touch.

Labels: PR DISASTER

Which is why another bunch of tools are using it to promote PlayStation3. Check out the number plate:




Tools.

Labels: PR DISASTER

Watching PlayStation3 auctions ending on Ebay right now is the single greatest comedy event of our time. Even better than that bit in Planes, Trains and Automobiles where Steve Martin dries his face on what he thinks is a towel but is actually John Candy's underpants.

Reading Ebay is all we do now, sobbing with joy, as glorious slaughter after glorious slaughter after glorious slaughter unfolds. The world is being cleansed, one idiot at a time.




The errors this seller made here were twofold - (1) buying a PS3, (2) bundling it with the worst launch game of them all. We're usually above using such base phrases, but... TOTAL PWNAGE!! LOL!! Maybe you should try making the font bigger next time?

JUSTICE EXAMPLE #2233657
HA HA HA HA HA HA!

OTHER CASES TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION:

Twat

Twat

Twat

Twat

Labels: PR DISASTER

Some dodgy shopkeeper has spent the afternoon standing in the street, trying to flog PS3s the day before he's supposed to. Naughty, but desperate times...

And, of course, there was no queue or excitement.




If you want one (YOU DON'T, we're being hypothetical) head down to London's cheap electronics/foreign food district now.

Labels: PR DISASTER

Will anyone beat this? 320 pounds for a PS3 + a game and an extra controller! Well done Kanyevil86 that's cost you 180 pounds, well it would if you'd actually honoured the deal. No doubt your account will be closed by the end of the day? We imagine all the other sellers are currently trying find the button to "End Auction Early". Ebay is going to be the funniest site on the internet for the next two weeks.

Labels: PR DISASTER

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful! Moron pre-orders PlayStation3, then sells it on Ebay for less than he paid for it. Other UK auctions are currently floudering, too. Genius. Global justice. WELL DONE, BRAVE PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN. THE END IS NIGH. THE END IS NIGH!

We can't wait to read the Sony press release on Monday morning. It had better include a full and frank apology for the global disgrace that is Sony's current hardware scheme.




This is the update we've been waiting to write for 18 months - AND IT FEELS GOOD. For once, our tears are of joy.

Labels: PR DISASTER

Here we are! The launch event starts now!




The excitement is amazing, the crowds...




Oh.




There are two people queuing for a PS3. The first one is a woman. All the other people in this picture are journalists and PR people who were probably expecting a better turn out, plus security guards who can't believe how easy the job is as all they have to do is take the names of a few meek writers who want to take photos for their blogs.




We didn't bother interviewing her, as she's obviously (a) a friend of someone at Sony, (b) a friend of someone at Virgin, (c) a COMPLETE FUCKING LUNATIC, or (d) a homeless crack addict glad of a warm place to sleep tonight where she won't get raped. The rape will instead happen at midnight on Thursday when she hands over her credit card to buy a PS3.

UPDATE: We are reliably informed by a reporter friend that the second guy in the queue is "buying six to sell on Ebay". Worst. Idea. Ever.




This man's filming the event!




This is what he's filming. He'll have to work one hell of an 'angle' to get something decent out of this embarrassing public cluster-fuck.




We would imagine that there will indeed be some PS3s left over to buy this weekend. Bring a van, you can have 50,000 if you want.

Labels: PR DISASTER, WAR ON PS3

This is an old story but we've just thought up that headline which we're proud of. It's to do with HMV thinking people might like to buy two shit Sony consoles at the same time, then, amazingly, deciding that perhaps they don't after all.

That's what's known as an embarrassing public climbdown in the face of massive disinterest, because you've overestimated how stupid the average UK consumer is.




That's all. Today's proper update will be along in half an hour. It's to do with 'Sexy Sudoku' and is much better than this one which only took 10 minutes and is what we refer to internally as 'a gonzo filler'.

IN THE MEAN TIME
If you have any ideas for what we can do to disrupt HMV's midnight opening PS3 launch, please let us know. We're currently thinking of handing out leaflets to queueing customers letting them know how much they're being ripped off.

Labels: PR DISASTER