We just had to post this- recently we bought ourselves a TurboGrafx-16 off eBay. You know, the FAKE 16-bit console that utterly TANKED in every country they tried selling it in outside Japan. We had to hold down the vomit brought on by the sheer LAMENESS of the games it came with- Keith Courage, Dungeon Explorer and the rest of the parade of mediocre HuCards it came with DID NOT IMPRESS.

In desperation we ordered a flashcard so we could download ROMs for free to play on it, in order to avoid having to spend more money on the thing in the future. And we are pleased to report this list of games that are INDEED WORTH PLAYING on the TG-16, and how you should buy one immediately!

1. The conversion of Shinobi. Better than the Master System version even if it is REALLY HARD. Might be Japan-only, though. Yeah, it is.

2. This really weird hybrid puzzle/shooter game called Somer Assault (GET IT? "SOMERSAULT"!). It's quite the peach and we're trying it beat it. You play as a purple slinky dropped down from heaven BY GOD HIMSELF and must battle monsters based on the 12 signs of the zodiac. More on this as the story develops.

A MAJOR TRAVESTY:
They ported Power Drift to it! Fucking Power Drift! Did they forget that the TG-16 is an NES with a really nice graphics chip? It's not like we're crazy about the game or anything, but we like the arcade version and knew THE SECOND WE COPIED OVER THE ROM that it would be total crap because the original has sprites scaling and rotating at breakneck speed, something the PCE could not do, no matter how many copies of Ys Book I and II you throw at it. UK:R gives Power Drift on the TG-16 (or perhaps PC-Engine since it was a Japan only release, thank god) a 3/10.

And don't let anyone tell you the conversion of Out Run is better than the Genesis/Mega Drive version. It's not.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Labels: BASS, ENTHUSIASM

Some of the diehard few still clutching onto their Dreamcasts and STILL REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LIE that the PS2 can do better graphics were ecstatic over the apparent "relaunching" of Dreamcast.com. As of this writing the link leads to some page about phishing and how the page was the perpetrator of a phishing scam. Just a few days ago it looked all official and Sega-ey like it was really set up by Sega of Japan, and it had this graphic on the front page:


Why yes! Yes, we do! Oh, sweet Jesus, it seems Sega really cares after all. And through the way that question is phrased, it knows that anybody who still has a Dreamcast (or even more uncommon, plays it regularly!) is a serious video game nerd who needs to move on and enjoy some of their more recent mediocre games for the current video game consoles on the market.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM, LIES

We don't often bother with reviews as they're a lot of effort and words, plus most games are so boring they don't deserve any free publicity and the most fun we get from them is putting them straight on Ebay.

But once every year or so something comes along that stops us playing Virtua Tennis and is actually worth the money games cost.




We thought we'd got bored of racing games, but it turned out we hadn't - we'd just got bored of waiting for PGR3 to load.




On paper, Forza 2's the most boring game in the world. It's cars, tracks, loads of modding options, painting options, tuning options and the sort of screens we usually don't ever bother looking at, apart from by accident when we're trying to work out how to put it all on Easy.




But it's not boring. It's the least-boring driving game since OutRun2.




This is mainly because of the car-painting section, which even artistically retarded people like us can use to make the cars look awesome.




This has taken four hours so far. The car designing feature is utterly amazing, although you need to spend more hours than there are to make anything good. The text tool, for example, only lets you put on one letter at a time. So much as we'd like to do a SPIEL MACHT FREI design, we not going to bother. Even doing "UK RESISTANCE" would result in getting bored and stopping after just the "U" and the "K".




This is the best we can manage. For some examples of what proper people can do when bothered, go over to the forums at Forzamotorsport.net where some good people have really tried hard.




This is what a good person has done. Staggering. When doing something else, like watching TV, shopping or what passes as work, all we can think about is getting back to Forza 2 and making a pretty car. It's the biggest obsession we've had since Anna Kournikova's bottom.




If you're good at art and stuff AND can be bothered, please can you design a UKR-themed car, or an Idiot Toys-themed car, and gift it to us. We'll do an update about it, or if more than one person bothers, we'll do an update about them. If you're not "scene" enough to know our Gamertag, mail in and ask.




Here's something about what the graphics are like, for the benefit of our German readers: 60fps. Very pretty. Very smooth. People moaning about what Forza 2 looks like are idiots, as it's all really pretty. Even the menus are nice, well laid out and nothing like the awkward mess of Forza 1.




This update reads like an advert :(




The game comes with some free music for listening to while painting your car and waiting for things to load. It's really good music, all electronic stuff you wouldn't expect a bunch of Americans to put in a racing game. There is no Bryan Adams and we are yet to come across "Song 2".




We have no idea who any of the bands are, due to being really out of touch with youth culture. However, it has made us realise that perhaps some new music is good after all and maybe we shouldn't only ever listen to the Pet Shop Boys.




Suzuka. Forever remembered as a Ferrari F355 track. Finally, nearly ten years later, games are starting to look a bit better than Dreamcast ones.




A SERIOUS BAD POINT: It's hard getting online races to work. Really hard. In six attempts last night we connected to zero games, and just got error messages about the game not existing any more even though you could actually see it.




A SERIOUS THOUGHT: It's odd that even now the best example of online gaming is still Project Gotham Racing 2. Why is it that new games still can't do lobbies as good as or better than PGR2's? This is the sort of serious, deep thought we occasionally have, before going back to thinking about who would win in a sex fight between Ulala and Betty Boo and if it's wrong to have toast for dinner again tonight.




We have more screenshots of it than things to say.




Oh yes. The car Auction House is brilliant, and you can see it on your PC on the game's web site. This is clever.




There are lots of races and cars.




It is nice.




Basically, we like Forza 2 as much as Virtua Tennis 3, which makes it only the second game this year we've played through choice in the evenings. This must mean it's at least a 9/10.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

We are now in Richard Jacques' MySpace Top 12. This is awesome. This means Richard spent at least two minutes last night thinking about us. We have INTERACTED with Richard Jacques.

We are also now the bread in a Natalie Imbruglia sandwich, with Billie Piper being the other bit of bread:




Now when people ask us if we have any friends, we can say "Yes. Richard Jacques, and we are also very close to Natalie Imbruglia and Billie Piper."

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

We know SO MUCH about Richard Jacques we even know that his surname is pronounced "Jakes" rather than "Jacks". Which means everyone's clever headlines like "Richard Jacques off to SEGA" and "We'd rather Jacques" are WRONG and based on incorrect Richard knowledge.

Therefore our headline about Rich doing the music for SEGA's upcoming The Club is a good headline, a rhyming headline, and a right headline. Even though it doesn't scan as well as, say, "Richard Jacques off in The Club" or some other such lame entendre that will be all over the internet by tomorrow.

Anyway. here's a link about it that uses the very boring headline "SEGA reveals music composers for THE CLUB".




That's a screenshot of The Club. Hopefully Richard will see this update and send us a link to an audio sampler piece, although, what with copyrights and legal things, this might not be possible.




There are no audio clips on his MySpace page and we note with some sadness that we are not in his "top 12". There is a photo of him playing a piano though. He appears to be cheating by using a Mac to read the music off.




BACK OFF, BITCH.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

A quite awesome discovery, made by the enthusiastic youths over at The Dreamcast Junkyard. Yet more proof that... you know the rest :(




"Almost like a Wii remote - BUT SEVEN YEARS EARLIER!"

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Not all SEGA WORLDs have died and/or fallen into disrepair! This one hasn't. It's probably got a good six months left before the "S" stops working and they close the place instead of spending the money on fixing it.




"Hello! When in Nara (Japan) recently - I took this photo with UKR in mind. Then I thought, "Nah, they don't like stuff like that anymore, forget it." But, your last update suggests otherwise ! So here you go. Looks quite cheerful, eh ? Fitting for a town where deer roam the streets freely, perhaps. No-one in there though. Enjoy your time, M."




Cuddly toys don't count as paying customers, and it looks a bit empty. Has anyone ever seen more than three people in an arcade since 1996?




"Enjoy your time" - that's a message to the staff of SEGA WORLD Nara. They'll be selling noodles down the market this time next year.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

We have made another t-shirt. It's black and about Sony being fucked. It's a celebration in 100-percent cotton. We've only got 50 of them done, so once they're gone, they're gone. Buy them here.




If we sell just twelve of these t-shirts we'll have made more profit out of PlayStation3 than Sony and all third-party PS3 software publishers.




To make room for this future unsold stock, we've made all our unwanted, wrong-colour stock of old shirts 12 quid each. There is only limited room in our t-shirt/bike/porn/hostage storage cupboard. Our apologies to the two people who bought one in the last month.




These new ones are 14 Mighty English Pounds each, and that includes postage, even if you live somewhere far away that costs three quid to send it to. You also get a free envelope customised with your address written on it, plus a label in the back of the neck of each shirt that conveniently tells you what size it is.




Here, we put two oranges inside the shirt to simulate what it might look like if a girl was wearing it. It wasn't very arousing, and just made 'things' seem worse.




If you work for Sony Computer Entertainment or Chart Track you can have one for free. Just email in from your work address, asking nicely, and saying that UKR is the best site on the whole internet, even including Pornotube and Torrentspy, and that it "brightens up your day" with its "accurate reporting of sales figures and public opinion".




This is pretty much just a vanity project so we have one to wear around the house. We're not expecting anyone to actually buy one.

AN EXPLANATION OF THE DESIGN
"RIP" is in an approximation of the PlayStation3 font, which means PS3/Sony is dead. "2007-2007" is the year PS3 was born and subsequently died in Europe. You know, like a gravestone. "United in Resistance" is just a thing we put on as it sounded nice and sort of linked back to the site.

The only downside we can think of this design is people might think you're viral-marketing Spider-Man 3, a film so bad it managed to travel back in time and rewrite history to make the first film rubbish as well.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

This is an interview we did with Sumo Digital, the developer of the Xbox 360 and PSP versions of Virtua Tennis 3.




It's not a particularly good interview, as we were trying too hard to be funny in our questions and they were trying too hard to be funny in their answers. As a result, it contains no useful information at all.




Still, it's an interview with Sumo Digital about Virtua Tennis 3 and has lots of great screenshots we took, so as long as it gets at least 10 Diggs and a link from Kotaku it will have been worth the effort.

AN INTERVIEW WITH STEVE LYCETT AND TOBY ALLEN, FROM SUMO DIGITAL, ABOUT VT3:

For idiot newcomers who've just discovered gaming thanks to Nintendo's new toy, please say why Virtua Tennis is the best sports game in the world.

It's more like playing real tennis, you actually have to move your player around the court. It's nice and easy to play, you don't have to worry about loads of buttons and controls, so pretty much anyone can just pick it up! Plus you can play sitting down, which'll be a new experience to Wii owners, that and the players having a full complement of limbs.

We noted with GREAT JOY that VT3 plays the same as VT always has. This is more of a statement than a question, so you don't have to say anything after this one.

If it ain't broke...

VT3's new mini games - are these designed by Sumo or AM3?

Whilst we did suggest various mini-games - most to do with selecting inappropriate camera angles! - these were dropped in favour of the AM3 ones :o)

For our European readers who like statistics, can you say how many mini games there are?

I believe we have at least more than one mini-game, and possibly less than 13.

What about other stuff? Is there other stuff?

You are expecting more? You can hear tennis players moaning and groaning at your every movement and you want more...?

Is there a 'super racquet'?

Yes. But we're not saying what special abilities it will endow you with.

From a technical point of view, how do you make graphics go on a TV screen?

Inside each console is a sausage mincer that takes the raw graphics, then minces them up to go down the cable to the screen. This is why some cables are better than others. Take composite, it's only got the one video tube, about as thick as a chipolata. This is why the picture on composite is all greasy and smeared. We recommend using a good quality component cable, which allows us to deliver a nice red Cumberland, green Lincolnshire and blue traditional Banger, giving overall a much meatier picture.

Is Richard Jacques doing any of the sound? You could get him to do grunting noises.

We prefer the girls grunting noises to be honest.

Can we help in any way? We could make grunting noises, or help 'do' the manual. For free, obviously.

We'd love to say yes, but usually we expect people to pay us for the privilege of working with us.

Who would you rather work closely with in a hot motion capture studio - Maria Sharapova or Daniela Hantuchova?

Wait a minute, we didn't have to choose last time.

Can you adjust chest sizes in the character creation menu?

Of course we can, we'll probably lock it out of the final game though.

You're implementing the online play for Xbox 360 VT3 - how's that going?

It's going at 1080p at 60fps mostly. Plus with it being on Live, you can add your own grunts to the game! Or heavy breathing, whichever you prefer really.

Why is it that some games are glitchy and rubbish on Xbox Live, but others are really smooth? Surely developers should all enable 'Really Smooth Mode' by default?

Sending online data is similar to sending video, just you need to make sure there is no gristle in there. We use Tyne Brand data, unlike some other developers who use meat they've got cheap in the pub.

Do you have any involvement with the PS3 version of VT3?

We've played it. That and stole all AM3's source code, which saved us doing a load of work.

Wouldn't it be great if Sony closed and SEGA made a new console? Say, for Christmas 2007? It would be about five times as powerful as Xbox 360 and would launch with just Space Channel 5 Part 3!

But if Sony shut, there'd be no PS3 to play Sudoku on! We would of course welcome a new Sega console like a brother we never knew we had. So long as they weren't ginger.

Isn't it sad what's happened to Sonic The Hedgehog recently?

Don't tell me that was Sonic I hit on the way home from the pub. I just thought it was a blue haired punk juggling some rings. Sorry mate.

We might launch a campaign soon saying SEGA should make a new 2D Sonic game to release on Xbox Live/Virtual Console. Would you support this move? And more importantly, would you buy a t-shirt supporting it if we got some made up and charged about £17 for it?

We'd fully endorse a new 2D Sonic title. In fact we're available for work as soon as VT3 goes. We only charge two thirds of our normal fee for a 2D game, since it has one less dimensions worth of graphics. T-Shirt wise, so long as it is better than the rival gangs ones, we didn't get that.

Do you have any quotes you'd like us to get in the VT3 review? Usually we charge money for this service, but seeing as it's Virtua Tennis we'll do it for free.

VT3 is the only game to buy in March. Period.

Finally, can you say something controversial, so we can make it the headline and get loads of traffic from Digg? Say something like "PS3 isn't as good as Xbox 360" or "Wii is just a Gamecube with a rubbish controller".

Jack Thompson agrees that Virtual Tennis 3 is wholesome family fun. It is the only game he officially likes. Allegedly.

Thanks!

HERE ARE SOME ADDITIONAL SCREENSHOTS WE TOOK OF XBOX 360 VIRTUA TENNIS 3, SHOWN IN THEIR FULL 1080p GLORY:







We're very proud of this screenshot. Great composition.












We've reviewed Xbox 360 Virtua Tennis 3 about four times so far for various media outlets, giving it two 9/10s and two 5/5s. We'll give it 10/10 here as you understand a bit better. 10/10. It's the first game this year we've been genuinely enthusiastic about, instead of just pretending to be enthusiastic about.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Thanks, obviously, to the arrival of SEGA games and the input of SEGA-affiliated developers. The efforts of which could even make PlayStation3 look half-decent. That's our 'angle' at least.




Like Project Gotham Racing Mobile, which is coming soon. It excitingly embraces the thrilling communication device medium by letting you download ghost cars of other racers and upload your own. The kids will go mad for that, at least they will when they're not exchanging weird smiley faces and photos of their genitals on MySpace.




It's got corners and straights, plus words that come up on the screen to reaffirm what you're doing. That one on the right is a bit of London!




Not sure where that one on the left is. It looks like a bit of France stuck in a bit of America. Perhaps it is. The thing on the right is the 'box', not that downloadable mobile games really come in boxes, so they wasted their time putting that together. We wonder if Richard Jacques, our best MySpace friend had anything to do with the sound?




Then there's the KING OF THE WORLD. Sonic's been out for a while - but it's SONIC. Its one-button style actually works on a mobile, and it's always - literally always - a joy to play Sonic 1 again and relive (a) youth, and (b) Sonic not being in 3D and shit.




Games won't ever be this good again. All you're getting from now on is war and 'sandbox' crime games. That's it. It's your own stupid faults. We're not getting another Space Channel 5 because everyone else decided they'd rather baseball bat prostitutes to death instead. Thanks, cruel, miserable world.




There's also ChuChu Rocket. Arguing with games of this quality is pointless. You can try, but you'd look really stupid and like you were arguing with a telephone.




And Super Monkey Ball Tip 'n Tilt. Which, ironically, has seen the makers take a perfectly good 3D game and make it 2D. Like what's happened to Sonic recently only in reverse.




If only SEGA would still take risks on exciting new ideas like Monkey Ball. It wouldn't get made today, would it? Poor old Nagoshi-san would get told to go back to his little office and have a more commercial idea, preferably one to do with earning 'turf' and 'respect' in a city environment.




You can try out java versions of all these mobile games for free here. There's also one called Sexy Babes Wild Waterslides which we have requested a full version of for review.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Here's a rubbish update about something being good:

Next Wednesday's Xbox Live Arcade download is something good for a change - new skins and modes for Lumines Live. They look pretty. Look. We've done something about them they're so pretty:




We nearly did something about Lumines Live when it came out - but sensationally didn't.




We should've, as it's a very, very good game, just like Lumines. It's ruined by the Xbox 360's rubbish d-pad quite a bit and is all jerky online, but is still very good if you play it obsessively to score a high score and don't mind that it resets the scoreboards every week.




And we played it for 50 hours more than we played Gears of War, so all the cocks who moaned about it being too expensive are incredibly wrong. In total, Lumines Live costs less than half the price of a 'normal' game. Yet it is better. That's not a rip-off in the slightest, it was just badly organised.




Now there are more bits to download, some of which are free, some of which are only 100 points for the time being which is practically free. So there. This sounds like a press release, but we felt an urge to redress the balance and 'do something' about Lumines Live, seeing as it's great.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

This is a memorial update on behalf of the amazing little Neo Geo Pocket Color. It was the best gaming handheld, not just at the time but even now. We sometimes get it out of its drawer just to have a look and a feel.


It had a glorious d-pad, loads of great games, REALLY NICE plastic game boxes featuring poorly translated text and typos, a very alright original Sonic (2D), a lovely and very cute Japlish menu screen system and...

...SNK Vs Capcom Card Fighters Clash.




Now there's a new version of it for the DS. Card Fighters Clash wasn't the sort of game we liked, but we still played it. It just had that 'sort of thing' about it.




We didn't really understand how it worked either, but we still played it.




Now there's this DS version. It will probably be awesome and 'go large'.




These are some screenshots of it we've just been sent thanks to our unbeatable PR contacts and world-renowned news-breaking reputation.




There are three more...




Two more...




One more...





And a logo...




There. It's actually called SNK VS. CAPCOM CARD FIGHTERS DS, and that's their use of capital letters not ours.

THE STUFF ABOUT IT FROM THE PEOPLE RELEASING IT:

Ignition Entertainment is Pleased to Announce the European Release of SNK VS. CAPCOM CARD FIGHTERS DS for the Nintendo DS

The excitement of card battles has gone digital and interactive.

12th Jan '07

For the first time ever on Nintendo DS, two videogame powerhouses join together in a colossal game for the small screen.

Go head to head and battle with your favourite game characters from SNK and Capcom.

Choose your character and prepare to enter the Card Battle Tournament. Beat each opponent using your character's fighting strategies to win bouts and earn money and in some cases, receive new cards that can be used to upgrade your deck.

Collect over 300 different cards to customise five separate decks, and take on all challengers as you fight your way to the top of 'Card Tower'.

Trade duplicated cards by using the Recycle machine or stop by the shops to get new cards.

For the ultimate game, challenge a friend or trade cards via the two-player link mode.

'SNK's card battling series has been updated for a new generation of gamers' says Peter Rollinson, product Manager, Ignition Entertainment 'mixing characters from two of the arcades biggest names only adds to what is a truly fun and exciting game of tactics and skill'

Your Destiny Is In the Cards!

Key Features:

* Use card packs containing your favourite characters from some of SNK's and Capcom's biggest franchises.

* Over 300 different cards to use, collect and trade

* Use strategic card arrangements to win

* Know your characters and their special abilities and combine them for added value and strength

* Challenge a friend with the Wireless Head to Head Combat Mode

* Unique game play elements utilising the Touch Screen technology

For further information please visit: www.ignitionent.com/cardfighters

Distributed by Atari in UK, France, Germany, Italy and the Nordic countries, SNK Vs Capcom Card Fighter DS will be available Spring '07 for the Nintendo DS

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

We are currently unable to offer any official guidance on what to think and say at this point in time.




Obviously it's good because it's Crazy Taxi.




But, you know, we're maybe just a little bit bored of playing Crazy Taxi now. Is that a wrong thing to admit on the internet?




And it's on PSP. It's not exactly going to help PSP's reputation as the machine that only has remakes of old games.




But it's more Crazy Taxi! And it looks about as good as the Dreamcast one did!




But how many times can you enjoy doing the same tasks in the same city?




But it's CRAZY TAXI. We just don't know any more.

The Fare Frenzy Returns With SEGA's Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars For The PSP System

All-New Multiplayer Modes and Features for Cabbies on the Go

LONDON & SAN FRANCISCO (January 11, 2007) - SEGA Europe Ltd. and SEGA of America, Inc. today announced Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars coming exclusively to the PSP(r) (PlayStationPortable) system. All-new twists have been included in the classic Crazy Taxi experience including for the first time, multiplayer modes that allow two people to play cooperatively or competitively. Now gamers can relive the addictive, action packed gameplay of the original Dreamcast games, Crazy Taxi and Crazy Taxi 2, on the go. Hang up those fuzzy dice and register for a cabbie license this Summer with Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars developed by Sniper Studios.

Only skilled cabbies need apply for Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars, where drivers need to be more aggressive than ever to earn the big money by speeding fares to their destination, no matter what the obstacles. Brand new multiplayer gameplay features provide endless entertainment, players can steal passengers from other cabbies by bumping their opponent's car creating chaotic competition on the road! Navigating through traffic, hills, and obstacles isn't easy, so it takes a skilled cabbie with no fear to earn the big bucks. Players can drive through the two original maps of Crazy Taxi, the arcade map and the original Dreamcast map, both inspired by the steep hills, trademark cable cars, and breezy waterfront of San Francisco. Then they'll head for the Small Apple maps in Crazy Taxi 2, which is inspired by New York's large building fronts, hectic downtown streets, and the city's famous Central Park and subway system.

"We've often thought that the sublime playability of our Crazy Taxi franchise was perfectly suited to the PSP format. Now with new gameplay features and including superb multiplayer modes we're really confident that gamers will agree" commented Matt Woodley, Creative Director SEGA Europe. "The heady mix of competitive gameplay and vibrant graphics makes this a winner, in my humble opinion!"

Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars offers cabbies several single player modes including the mission-based Arcade mode, where skilled drivers earn time bonuses, and Time Trial mode where drivers collect the highest fares possible in the time allowed. In addition, for cabbies to practice their crazy driving skills, two mini-game training modes are available. They include Crazy Box, a collection of 16 original Crazy Taxi mini-games and Crazy Pyramid, mini-games arranged in a pyramid that drivers must complete to unlock more mini-games from Crazy Taxi 2.

Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars introduces new multiplayer modes for two cabbies to collaborate or compete wirelessly via Ad Hoc. Drivers can also record and save gameplay replays of their driving performance in Crazy Taxi 2 on the PSP system's memory stick to replay and show off.

Get ready for the return of a classic favorite next Summer 2007 with Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars for the PSP system. For screenshots and assets, please visit the SEGA press site at www.sega-press.com.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Real-time feminine sweat mapping:



A screenshot of wet tits is worth a 1000 words. And is worth 10,000 screenshots and words about Resistance: Fall of Man.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Stick this up your manual, Need for Speed:




If you can't handle this sort of thing, buy a Wii and sit down at the back of the room with the fat kids, the elderly and the disabled.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

And it is Animal Crossing Wild World. Any web sites that do a top 20 or a top 50 are just going through the motions. There's not even any point doing a top ten or a top five. The other nine or four would be meaningless filler. We could pretend we like some other shit half as much as DS Animal Crossing, but you'd be able to tell. And we've been through too much together to start lying to each other now.




We were playing Animal Crossing when other people started playing it. We were playing it when those people then stopped playing it a few weeks later after not seeing what the fuss was about.




We were still playing it when those people started playing it again to see if they could work out why we were still playing it after a year.




We played it this morning and will play it again this evening. For reasons to do with turnips you probably won't understand. We have played it every day since last December - apart from, maybe, three or four days. That's not a stupid internet exaggeration either - you don't get an insect collection of this magnitude by only playing for a couple of minutes every now and again.




These are some of the hybrid flowers we have bred in the last year. This is just the tip of the iceberg.




This is a bit more of the iceberg, but still only the top part of it. We have THAT MANY hybrid flowers. This is not gay because it's only in a video game. Video games are not gay. Even ones that involve breeding and caring for flowers.




This is how much money we have in the bank. In Animal Crossing we are independently wealthy.




That's why gold-digging sluts like Marina live in our low-carbon-emitting super-town.




This is the main room of our massive house, or the Bridge as we call it. We have put on our Wesley Crusher uniform to show it off to its fullest potential. See that photo of KK Slider? You have to do the gaming equivalent of crawling 500 miles on broken glass using only your eyelid muscles to get that.




And there's still loads to do, even after a year. We haven't even seen let alone shot down Postman Pete thanks to his stupid anti-social working hours. We only have one of Gulliver's UFO items, the Modern furniture series is far from complete, and we're only half-way to Platinum membership of Tom Nook's Reward Scheme.




This is when the flying saucer crashed in our town. It was such an amazing event we had to take a photo of the screen. When has a game ever been so amazing you've had to take a photo of the screen to keep as a memento? NEVER BEFORE, that's when.




And Katie still hasn't sent us the Lovely Phone to put in the Lovely Room.




You know you're special when you get RARE ALTERNATE DIALOGUE sequences with one of the major characters.




We'd prefer it to contain a few more moments of double entendre, but there are still just about enough to make it worth 'following through' with.




This is how to make a snowman. This is mainly for our reference so that next year we can start off properly without the tiresome learning process of working out what size the balls need to be.




See? He loves it.




It's nice that he's a misogynistic snowman. We know full well that the snowmen come alive when the game is turned off and start harassing the female town inhabitants.




Got all those.




Got all those.




Got loads of these.




We left these acorns on the floor as a reminder of the good times had by all during the October Acorn Festival. Roll on October 2007!




Come back next year. We'll still be playing it. It's that good. And if you don't get it you can bugger off back to playing games about men shouting "HOLY SHIT" and shooting machine guns at each other with all the other 14-year-old morons.




The problem with giving Animal Crossing Wild World a number out of ten and placing it in the all-time lists is this - it's not much of a game. It doesn't test your skills. It's not like playing Quake III at the absolute limits of your gaming skills for hours on end. It's not like mastering Gradius V. It's not like getting to the last boss of Raiden on one credit or completing Hellfire using a third-party controller.




It's more like keeping a diary, or remembering to have breakfast.




Animal Crossing is just a simple little thing you have and do every day. It's like your kettle. It's not as exciting as your new LCD TV or your Sky+ box. It's simple, but you'd be fucked without it.




Animal Crossing Wild World: "Simple, but you'd be fucked without it" - 10/10, UK:Resistance Game of the Year By A Mile. Here's a review we wrote of it at the time and never got around to uploading.

A FREE PUBLIC SERVICE REVIEW OF ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD FOR NINTENDO DS
This is a public service review. We don't often write reviews on the site for free, because they're a lot of words and a bit of a chore and then everyone disagrees with everything you say and calls you a cunt afterwards. But sometimes you have to tell people about a game because it's so great. Writing about good games for free is more fun than writing about shit games for money (not actually true, but sounds nice). This is one of those important times!

ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD REVIEW
For Nintendo DS

Animal Crossing isn't a game. It's a career. A vocation, a mini alternative life. You could educate a child with it and it would turn out OK. It teaches you everything you need to know about the real world. It teaches you the importance of money, shows you the true value of patience, punishes you for lying, and when characters move out of your town it's an important lesson about the harsh realities of bereavement in adult life. Freckles is gone, Timothy, she's gone to another town very far away and she's never coming back.

It's not a game, it's a job. You HAVE to collect your fruit to begin with, else you can't afford the cool furniture. You HAVE to keep fishing, else you might miss a rare fish. You HAVE to collect all the fossils, fish and insects because something cool might happen when you do. Animal Crossing uses an enhanced version of the COLLECTEVERYTHING(TM) engine that Nintendogs used. It makes chores into games, giving you incentives to spend hours and hours doing nothing in the hope of finding one rare little thing no one else has got.




When we bought it we played it for an hour and a half in bed in the morning, we played it for an hour and a half in the afternoon, we played it for an hour and a half in the evening, then for an hour an a half in bed before going to bed. If anything that's an underestimate, because starting to play Animal Crossing is like stepping into a time machine where suddenly it's a huge amount of time in the future when you turn it off and look at the clock.

That's another reason why it's great. You can use it to fast forward your boring life. So anyway, we played it for six hours a day (minimum) for the first few weeks of having it. Some of those six-hour periods were spent fishing. Just fishing. Fishing, then running to the shop to sell them, or to the Museum to donate any rare ones we caught. The game keeps a list of all the fish you've caught, which is one of numerous mini, incidental challenges you have to complete. In your own time and whenever you like. We're now down to about three 15-minute periods of play a day, which is much more manageable.



Animal Crossing really suits the handheld. You can play it for ten minutes in the morning, a bit at lunch time and switch it on in the evening for a proper play. It's why Wild World is such a perfect game. We do all our farming/shopping chores in the morning on the train to work instead of reading about war in a newspaper, then spend the evening having fun instead of watching war on the news. And wi-fi play lets you do it all in another town, with the added excitement of random router crashes to keep everyone on edge. It's the perfect game and it suits DS to a tee. 10/10, again.

ABOUT THE ABOVE REVIEW:
We're releasing this review under the GNU Free Documentation License, so if you want to run a review of Animal Crossing Wild World on your web site, blog or student magazine, feel free to use this copy and put your name on it. It's free for everyone to reproduce! We're doing this out of love.

WHAT SCORE TO GIVE IT:
If your web site, blog or magazine scores games out of 5 give it 5/5. If you score things out of 10 give it 10/10. If you use the archaic percentage system give it 97 percent because anything more than that makes you look stupid like those American magazines who give games 100 percent. Nothing's ever 100 percent you pricks.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

And the above fact is this - OFFICIAL. Scroll down and read the press release. It's all in there, plus it's arriving on Xbox 360 in "late summer" which means PS3's Reason To Exist List has just got massively shorter - ie, it's gone from having one game on it to having no games on it.




While VF5 coming to Xbox 360 isn't quite as great as SEGA saying VF5 is coming to a new SEGA console it's making especially for Virtua Fighter (ie, the Saturn), it still means we don't have to even think about maybe getting a PS3 just for VF5 any more. And neither do you. Or anyone else!




The money we save on not having to buy a PS3 just for VF5 can now be reinvested in SEGA plush toys. We'll even be able to afford a SUPER R@RE MINT WITH TAG Mecha Sonic now. And another Cream The Rabbit, to replace the one we've worn the arse out of.




You could Photoshop Ken Kutaragi's head onto Pai's body for a hilarious joke to post on a video game forum! A speech bubble from Sarah Bryant could be something about her causing 'massive damage'! We have tears in our eyes just thinking about the potential for hilarity this news has unleashed.




Here's one we made in literally two minutes. The purple circle is meant to be a black eye. We are not artists.




These are just PS3 screenshots we got off the internet, so don't get too excited too quickly. VF5 won't be out on Xbox 360 until a few months after PS3 - that's what "system exclusive" means these days. The press release says "late summer" for the Xbox 360 version, so that's only a few more months for the freetrade alternative to the evil PS3 game.




We are all winners thanks to PS3's upcoming defeat. This also means SEGA's been working on Xbox 360 VF5 for quite some time. There has therefore been a small amount of "smoke and mirrors" surrounding its development.




You have no idea how relieved we feel right now. It's like emerging from the bathroom having had a gigantic poo AND a wank AND the first shower in three days. Now we feel light and envigourated and clean and whole and invincible. Thanks, SEGA.

THE OFFICIAL THING ABOUT XBOX 360 VF5 FROM SEGA, SO YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT JUST ALREADY DRUNK FOR CHRISTMAS AND MAKING THINGS UP:

SEGA ANNOUNCES VIRTUA FIGHTER 5 FOR XBOX 360

Premiere Fighting Game Franchise Makes First Appearance on Microsoft’s Next Generation Videogame Console

SAN FRANCISCO & LONDON (December 21, 2006) – SEGA of America, Inc. and SEGA Europe Ltd. today announced that the highly anticipated arcade fighting game, Virtua Fighter 5, will make its way onto the Xbox 360 video game and entertainment system. Virtua Fighter 5 is scheduled for release on Xbox 360 in North America and in Europe during late summer 2007. The game will also be available for the PLAYSTATION3 computer entertainment system on February 20th, 2007 in North America and will be available in Europe simultaneously with the system’s launch in March 2007.

"Those people lucky enough to have already played Virtua Fighter 5 will know that it's laid the foundations to become the clear benchmark for fighting games on all next generation consoles", said Matt Woodley, Creative Director, SEGA Publishing Europe Ltd. "Bringing Virtua Fighter 5 to the Xbox 360 offers us a platform with power to handle the astonishing visuals, the complex and varied fighting styles of all the customisable characters and will undoubtedly put Virtua Fighter 5 into the hands of a gaming audience craving for a highly polished and credible fighting game."

Virtua Fighter 5 features beautifully detailed stages from around the world where players face off in fast-moving martial arts battles against one of 17 characters. Two lively new characters join the elite group of fighters, adding two new unique fighting styles for players to try and master. With more skill and strategy than ever before, players are also given the opportunity to learn and employ the new "Offensive Move" technique to take down their opponents from different angles, adding a new dimension to the game and something for both new and old fans to master. Virtua Fighter 5 also includes the ability to customise characters by selecting from four base costumes and a wide range of unlockable accessories and earnable items. As players win more tournaments they will not only earn costumes and accessories, but also prizes and in-game money that will allow them to buy items from the in-game shop.

"The Virtua Fighter series from SEGA has one of the most prestigious histories in video games," said Jeff Bell, corporate vice president of global marketing for the Interactive Entertainment Business at Microsoft. "It's a franchise that has grown an army of loyal fans both in arcades and on consoles worldwide, and is consistently rated extremely high by the media. Fighting game fans have been hungry for Virtua Fighter 5 and we can now proudly deliver this game with SEGA to Xbox 360 gamers around the world."

Developed by the highly renowned Tokyo based development team, AM R&D Development No.2, Virtua Fighter 5 for the Xbox 360 will be available across Europe and North America during late summer 2007.

"PlayStation3 is totally fucked now. Even hardcore gamers don't need it for any reason at all. This is SEGA's ULTIMATE REVENGE" added UK:Resistance, in a small footnote at the bottom of the press release that definitely wasn't sent out with the proper press release.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

This will save Sony from its PSP hell! It's called Pocket Pool, which is (a) a new PSP pool game and (b) a euphamism for wanking:




Pocket Pool has a "provocative adult theme" which means you unlock photos of women as you play. Here are some more photos of the women in it. These are relevant to our 'remit' because they are from a game.












The photos have been taken by "the web's premier glamour photographer" who is a man called J. Stephen Hicks, apparently. Maybe the sequel will use Max Hardcore.










There's also 13 pool games to not know the rules of, like 9 ball, 8 ball, Rotation, Black Jack and, oh, one we know the rules of called Snooker.








There's also 20 video clips of these women to unlock and look at. That's it, really. Here are a few more photos:








Isn't that nice? It's out in January, by which time PSP might have sold another couple of hundred units thanks to Sony's incredible online marketing campaign that's really winning over the gaming community right now.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

By which we mean some words about it and some YouTube videos we were sent, which hopefully won't get taken down two minutes after we upload them like everything else we link to on the world's most uptight video sharing community.

The reason it's jerking about all over the place is because the game's in a hydraulic cabinet. The cameraman isn't severely disabled. To our knowledge.

DR VANGTROS' AFTERBURNER CLIMAX REVIEW

AFTERBURNER CLIMAX
By Sega AM2, aka Angels in Heaven

"Firstly, it controls like the original. Which is great as next-gen games that take the original source material and 'make it better' often make it worse. I can't remember if you could speed up or down in the first one, but you can now, and there's a bullet-time style function called 'Climax'."

"When I Climax, everything doesn't slow down, so I don't know why this is. Maybe the Japanese do. Anyway. It plays a lot like the good Starfox games, Panzer Dragoon and the SEGA Star Wars Arcade game that was brilliant, but FASTER. A lot faster. And more chaotic with the amount of violence that comes your way. You basically spend the whole time moving and weaving around in circular paths and occasionally doing barrel rolls (which you can now do by pulling one direction, then another very quickly)."

"Some enemies will shoot one missile at you, some two and others FIVE. When these guys pop up, you have to roll away or you get completely shafted, but you feel it's your fault and not Sega's for being poo at design. Because they aren't... except with that Sega Casino game and Shadow the Hedgehog, which we'll pretend never happened."

"You lock onto enemies, then use bullets which are good for close range death or heat seeking missiles, which do the job better and seem to be infinite in number. If only love was infinite in number. Then we wouldn't have to 'liberate' all those girls coming home on the way back from sixth form college every other Wednesday."

"You can also rack up combos and the bullet-time Climax mode helps you do that. We managed to get around 40 once. The overall level progression structure is like Panzer Dragoon's, where you have multiple branches that weave in and out of the same narrative, and multiple endings. I kept getting the 'you are crap at life' one – Ending C. I'm sorry Afterburner; I'll try harder next time."

"Levels include the classic Oceanic landscape from the original, some canyons, cities at sundown and at night, cloud battles, areas filled with live volcanoes, a desert and an underground base chase where you fly through tunnels, avoid walls and lasers and need to fly slow so you don't die and disappoint the game, which ranks you as you play."

"We started off with a lot of high rankings, but as we were reminded of our inferiority through the crisp visual splendour of the game mocking our lack of talent of ever being able to replicate such godly work, we descended into sadness and forgot how to play the game."

"As for whether this could hit console, I asked the producer of the game who was on-hand to talk about it - which was impressively developed in under a year. Sadly, he said there are "no plans to bring this to console". Of course, that was probably the PR-safe answer he gives everyone, because we know it's coming out Xbox 360 and NOT PlayStation3, because Sega didn't really sign Virtua Fighter 5 to them. It was a spelling mistake."

More movies and impressions here.

EMERGENCY BACK-UPS
When YouTube, SEGA, AM2, the police and the secret shadowy organisation hell-bent on undermining us by having all our YouTube videos deleted as soon as we link to them has these videos deleted (or if you're using a computer the council hands out to poor families for free that can't play YouTube videos), emergency direct-download links to the Afterburner Climax footage are located here:

MOVIE 1

MOVIE 2

MOVIE 3

MOVIE 4

MOVIE 5

MOVIE 6

MOVIE 7

MOVIE 8

MOVIE 9

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Instead of, like before, playing it in secret with the curtains closed and the music down really low and a cushion in front of the *gaming device* we had to use to play it on:



Hopefully out on Xbox 360 before the end of the year, though they'd better not go pulling any of that 'microtransaction shit' on us. And don't let the Americans be in charge of all the music, either.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

What happened here is that Sony pasted a pretend energy bar and HUD onto a CG image, and some people sort of believed it for a while there:




This is the 'BEFORE' shot, from back when the entire internet didn't make up 10,000 Photoshop jokes about PS3 every day (we're very proud of you all).




And this is what it really looks like running on PS3. At least they got the Stamina gauge right, although they forgot what side they put it on when making the actual game.

HOW YOU CAN HELP:
Please vandalise the game's Wikipedia entry accordingly.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM, LIES

Updates suspended for the foreseeable future as we struggle to marry two facts:

FACT A: It's on PS3 therefore it MUST be shit.

FACT B: It's by SEGA therefore it MUST be amazing.

ADDITIONAL FACT C: We'll be sitting in the bathroom rocking backwards and forwards for a while pooing and weeing on ourselves trying to decide which editorial stance to take.




The only option is to pretend these are Xbox 360 or PC screenshots. Yes, that's it. VF5 will be announced for Xbox 360 next week! That's clearly what's about to happen. That's why they took all these new screenshots. Look, they're in widescreen just like Xbox 360!




The truth is too horrible to consider.




We can't go saying something on PS3 looks good.




All we can do is...




...maybe we could say that only SEGA is good enough to make PS3 games look good? Because SEGA's better at programming and stuff.




That could work as an 'angle' to make this seem like a happier day.




Even then it feels wrong.




Maybe we should pretend VF5 doesn't exist?




It's just all too much. You know SEGA's original 2001 masterplan had this down as a Dreamcast 2 launch game :(

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Has it come out yet? Is it exactly like the PS2 version? Or is Polyphony Digital, the least-efficient development team in the world, struggling to make anything look half-decent on the obsolete handheld Lumines machine?




This lie was sent out to fool idiots into buying PSP back in May of 2004. It's now August of 2006. August 30 in fact, so actually more like September.




Well done, Sony. You made a pretend disc. This actually fooled some people for about a year! Fortunately we now know you just make stuff up and lie about things all the time, so we (the internet and therefore everyone in the world) won't be falling for it again. This isn't 1996 any more. You can't expect to lie to people and for no one to notice. Everything is recorded in Google.




And well done again for making a pretend box. Now you just need to make something interesting to put in it, as with PSP and PlayStation3 in general.




The amazing detail on the pretend box, where Sony cleverly preempted what everyone would say and then said it first. This, thinking about it, was the precise moment Sony started thinking that lying to people would work as its new strategy.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM, LIES

Where to begin?

Distributed with issue 2 of UK games mag Mean Machines, it's the Sega Mastermix 90! Two kids, competition winners, who were allowed into a recording studio to record their rap record about Sega. A dream come true!

DOWNLOAD: MC's Nick and Steve - Do Me A Favour (Master Mix '90) [3.6MB MP3]

SAMPLE LYRICS:

"Master System costs from eighty pounds, 128 colours, three channel sound"

"Check out your local dealer, not for drugs, but for Sega"

"Yeah, we got the Sega Master System in the house, yeah boyee"

"3D glasses will blow your mind, Better peripherals you cannot find"

You cannot get better than this. How we'd like to travel back to the early 1990s, when enthusiasm was respected and encouraged rather than frowned upon.

STOLEN FROM HERE, WHERE THEY ALSO HAVE THE COMPLETE LYRICS:
Mean Machines Archive.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

It's out today! To buy! Instead of steal off the internet! At least, it is in the UK, where OR2006 Coast 2 Coast comes out on PSP, PS2, PC and Xbox. You wouldn't believe us if we reviewed it. You'd think we were just saying it's the best racing game ever because it's by Sega, because we're those Sega-loving spastics from off the internet who love everything that's by Sega.

We've dug that hole for ourselves very well. So here are loads more screenshots of Xbox OutRun2006 we took for fun. Judge for yourselves.



The game uses the OutRun2 SP rules, which means (a) slipstreaming and (b) gentler impacts with the walls when you crash.




For world-renowned expert players like us, the less damaging collisions make the game loads easier, but, remember, the world is full of complete fucking morons who can't play games. For them, this means they'll be able to complete Coast 2 Coast.




This is a true story: Last time we were in an arcade, we watched three separate people play the OR2 arcade machine one after the other. None of them knew about doing the powersliding stuff. They all just bounced around the barriers on every hard corner. It was INFURIATING and made us SICK TO THE CORE! Sadly, those are the kind of people who buy games these days. So gentler, kinder Coast 2 Coast will suit their spazzy skills.




The slipstreaming is a brilliant new feature. The cars always felt like they were going at top speed - now, if you're driving one of the new tuned, faster Ferraris AND slipstreaming it's faster still. You may feel the car pulling away from you, like when you're driving a real car too fast down a hill and not paying attention and start to panic. Coast 2 Coast is faster. And therefore better.




AN ACTUAL CRITICISM! But frankly, it's all too easy. Even the Professional level of Flag Man missions can be A-ranked on your first attempt. At least, they can if you're good at OutRun.




Please play us on Xbox Live. Everyone else on our Friends list is playing Elder fucking Scrolls :(




Why would you want to spend five hours looking through sepia menu screens about armour when you could be doing this? We'll never understand.




Here's another annoying thing that's only annoying to us, but still. Everyone's giving this good reviews - which is great! But is also means they're being MASSIVE HYPOCRITES after slagging off OR2 on Xbox when it came out in 2004. Yeah, so there are new tracks and cars in Coast 2 Coast - but it's still the same game. It plays the same, you do the same stuff in the same way while it all looks the same. You can't say it's shit, then suddenly decide you like it 18 months later. Unless you're publicly admitting to "not getting" it first time round, of course, and are now making amends.




Look at that! Bloody beautiful! We're crashing on purpose so you get a better view and can see the sparks. Seriously. So yes, Coast 2 Coast has all the OutRun2 tracks in it as well, only they're ever-so-slightly better because that bit of slowdown you got in Tulip Garden has been eliminated.




Then you've got 15 new tracks, from OutRun2SP. They're great. Like this one.




And this one.




And this one




Here's our personal OR2 Coast 2 Coast journey. The first version we played was the PSP one. We thought it was amazing, and still do, although perhaps we were getting a bit carried away from not playing OutRun for a year and being excited about seeing it again. Then we played the PS2 one a few weeks later, which was even more impressive, naturally, and from memory looked identical to the Xbox one.




Then we played the Xbox one. It's better, thanks to analogue triggers and the better analogue sticks, but even so, the PS2 one is pretty much identical looks wise.




The PS2 one also lets you select component output, if you've got your PS2 hooked up to a prog scan monitor or TV.




We haven't seen it on PC, but might as well give it 9/10 to complete our giving-OutRun2-9/10 sequence.




ADDITIONAL NOTE: Today is also European Animal Crossing Wild World Day. Which makes today the best ever day (apart from maybe Sonic 2's Day) for games coming out in the UK. We'll be playing that tonight as well, probably at the same time. We love games again! It's like we've come out of retirement for one final year of hardcore gaming.




We haven't done anything about Animal Crossing's amazing and life-changing awesomeness because it's impossible to talk about it without sounding pretentious by saying things like "life sim". We wrote a review of it to go up here, but it sounded like Kieron fucking Gillen so we chucked it. Anyway, Animal Crossing's amazing and features life-changing awesomeness, so if you've just bought it today you can get all the UKR players' friend codes here.




That's about it then. Happy OutRun2006 and Animal Crossing Day. We'll probably be sitting on our own in a lobby of the Xbox version for a few hours tonight, waiting for someone to race with and inevitably beat. Please join us for an inevitable beating. Email if you want our Gamertag. Not putting it here due to safety issues.

OUR OUTRUN2006 COAST 2 COAST REVIEW SCORES:

Regular gamer score: 9/10.

Sega-fan UKR-reader special weighted score: 10/10.

OUR ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD REVIEW SCORES:

Regular gamer score: 10/10.

Anti-Nintendo legacy special weighted score: 8/10.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

It's easy, really. If you've got a blog or web site or magazine and are planning on taking screenshots of OutRun 2006 in the coming days or weeks, follow this handy guide to avoid embarrassing yourself by taking shit grabs of the world's prettiest driving game.

We've used the PSP version here, but these rules also apply to the Xbox, PS2 and PC versions of OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast. Have fun!

OUTRUN 2006 SCREENSHOT TIPS:



1. No one likes to see cars going in straight lines down empty tracks, so make sure there are lots of other cars/lorries on the screen.




2. Slide a bit, so there's smoke coming off the wheels and you can see more of the car. That's immediately 50 percent more exciting! You slide by tapping 'brake' then releasing it and steering hard to one side, just in case you've only ever played Burnout and aren't used to the concept of 'steering' to get round corners in driving games.




3. Get to the last section of track on the Hard route and take a screenshot of it, so people know you've played it enough to get really good at it. Catching it when it flashes text across the screen makes it even better, but that's advanced stuff we'll go into at a later date.




4. Take one of the car going up to the line. It's always pretty, and doesn't even require any gaming skill at all!




5. Get some from the in-car view. It's hard to play like this, so you will earn the respect of your readers. And it lets geeks examine the road textures.




6. Take one of the crazy mini games and Heart Attack stuff. More stuff happens on screen, so it looks more exciting still!




7. Mini games. If you're struggling with all this, send us an email and we'll do it for you. We're the world's number one authority on taking amazing screenshots of OutRun, and we'll happily do it for you for nothing.




8. Feel free to use these ones, even if you're a web site or magazine we usually hate, like, say, Edge. Or... no, we were thinking of Edge again. The whole community needs to pull together in times of OutRun games coming out. We even saved these ones at JPEG compression quality 6, which is higher than usual, so they'll come out OK.




9. Beautiful! We might do some Xbox and PS2 screenshots soon, just for fun.




10. Is this enough to get the message across?




11. This is the absolutely last one. Remember to take a grab of your car crashing.




12. That's definitely it now. You MUST take one of the radio music select screen. Basic stuff, admittedly, but some people need to be told this shit.




13. The 'SUBTEXT' to all this is that the game looks really amazing on PSP. That's the idea behind the update. It's like a visual review.




14. Don't make us have to tell you again.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

And the answer is 'not yet' and 'it's down to Microsoft'. Scroll down for the question. This took ages to type up so we're going to force you to bloody read it all.

SUMO DIGITAL, A.K.A. AM2-UK
The MIGHTY Sumo Digital of UK-based OutRun2-programming fame granted us -- stupid, rubbish us! -- an interview about OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast on PSP, Xbox, PS2 and PC. So we thought up some questions and sent them off, which is how proper web sites like IGN and Gamespot work.

Proper web sites also place grabs between large chunks of text so the feature looks nicer.

Here's what we asked, followed immediately by what Sumo's OutRun 2006 producer Steven Lycett (AKA "SOL off of the Internet") said in reply.

How's the PS2 version of Coast 2 Coast going to look compared to the arcade-perfect GENIUS MAJESTY of last year's Xbox OutRun2? (Don't lie and say it's going to be awesome if it isn't, because we'll be able to tell and then you'll look bad.)

Sol: If we hid the pads, and did some Pepsi challenge thing, then it would be split down the board I reckon. There are some subtle differences due to each consoles in-ability to do things the same way, but you've got to be some obsessed arcade fanatic with no social connections or a life to be able to really tell. Or work at Sumo - which is pretty much the same thing.

When we inevitably compare the PS2 version to the Xbox version, what are we going to say are the main differences? (Bear in mind we HATE SONY like an abusive step-dad, so will pick up any minor differences and say they're really big and obvious.)

Sol: Reds are a bit redder. Something to do with bridge rectifiers. I was told about that by this American chap I spoke to on a forum once. Fog might be slightly less foggy - or foggier. Bloom (which is a fancy word for sunlight burning into the back of the retina) is slightly different - but shouldn't make anyone weep over it. Biggest difference is the controllers, but we've tweaked them with the help of AM2 to keep the right feel and control.

How do you go about converting an Xbox-based arcade game to PS2? Keep this brief, as no one's really interested in knowing about this apart from us.

Sol: It's like re-packing your suitcase after two weeks on holiday. Although you should have the same amount of stuff, it doesn't seem to want to go back in. Even if you've worn all the booze and drunk all the suntan. You just have to shut the lid and jump on it, or in our case, jump on the textures and models a bit. And music. And code. And other stuff. You're not supposed to start a sentence with 'And' are you. But like that. Except it has to look the same, unlike a very squashed hat.


***THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF THEM ALL***

Will the Xbox version work on Xbox 360? This is the most important question of them all, so please answer it like this is a serious interview for somewhere proper like IGN or Edge.

Sol: Backwards compatibility is not something that works from our code - rather Microsoft has developed a software emulator that should make this happen at some point in the future. Should that be the case, it will be downloaded on Live or by visiting the Xbox.com website. I think at the moment the emulator doesn't work with all games but Microsoft say they are going to fix it so everything works eventually. So we don't know really; it's out of our hands.

How's it going to look on PSP? Surely it's an IMPOSSIBLE TASK? It's like signing a contract to get an elephant in a shoebox! It's a poisoned chalice, surely?

Sol: It looks quite a lot like the screens on the web mostly. Runs at a fair lick of knots too. We've been squishing stuff into the PSP for a while (shameless plug for TOCA, Virtua Tennis and Go! Sudoku) so it's like a comfortable chair. Not quite one of those lazy boy ones, something a bit smaller and a bit shiner perhaps. I will demand some eating of hats on a few forums when it's out - from those non-believers.



This is OR2006 on PSP. We've played it, but aren't allowed to 'review it' yet, especially not on the internet. They'd go MENTAL if we did that! We can probably get away with saying something vague like "what we've seen of it so far looks really fucking good and smooth and awesome" though.


Don't people just use PSPs for watching porn on these days anyway?

Sol: Maybe if you've got strong wrists, I can't hold it one handed.

Can you play Coast 2 Coast on PSP's digital pad? Only the analogue stick thing's a bit rubbish and isn't placed very well. It'd probably work better on the d-pad. Just a thought. It's not like you really need analogue for OutRun.

Sol: You can use the D-Pad - you won't be getting top times on the online ranks as you can turn some mean times with the nub. Nub, there's a good word.

Is Richard Jacques doing any new music for Coast 2 Coast?

Sol: His "Euro Remixes" from OutRun2 are included but unfortunately that's it. We felt he couldn't possibly top those aural sensations... Plus he is working on some other top secret Sega stuff. There is some new music provided by the original Japanese composer though.

Have you met Richard? If so WHAT IS HE LIKE?! He seems really nice!

Sol: Can't really tell - we're tried shouting to him through his letter box once but all we heard were muffled cries and sobs.

What did you talk about?

Sol: It was hard to tell, something about us going far away is about all we could work out.

What was he wearing? Go into as much detail as possible, especially about his trousers.

Sol: Damnit, you broke us. Can't say really, last time the closest we got was downloading the files from Sega. I imagine he's really smartly dressed but with pop star hair. I bet he hangs round with top models and smokes fags with a cigarette holder. In fact I think I hate him for that.

Going back to the game, can you tell us anything about your new content?

Sol: Err, it's got some new Ferraris in it and there's no rain. It would suck if you had enough money to own an open topped Ferrari and went on a road trip and all it did was rain, so we left that out. Also, no-one seems to grasp that every platform is online, PSP too. 6 players, you don't even have to have that many friends; OutRun will go out and make them for you. If you've played the Arcade to death, then there is even new tuned up versions of the cars, done with the help of Ferrari. Open top Enzo sir? 4:18 on Route A without breaking a sweat. Now that's fast. There is also a load of other stuff in there, but best not ruin it.

Xbox OutRun2's Mission Mode was really, really good and we completed it all-- what are you doing this time? You can definitely tell us, it's out in a few weeks. Even if Sega says you're not allowed to tell us, you can still tell us. It's OK. Really.

Sol: We hope to divide opinion once again on the mission mode. We've split the missions into Heart Attack type stuff and Racing missions, as we know not everyone likes the same things as us. We've added kittens and lions as well as the obligatory fruit and there's even a beach ball to dribble. We've also kept the maths, because we like watching people's faces contort when we watch them play it in Dixons. Plus you get the Flag Man telling you what to do. You could imagine him there dancing whilst he does it.

Going back to Richard Jacques, did he mention UKR at all?

Sol: I'm sure if we ever have a conversation, that would be the thing to break the ice. Me saying 'Is it fun being stalked by the internet' and him laughing jovially whilst nodding at the models we imagine he hangs around with to go and warm up the getaway car.

Xbox OutRun2 got a bit jerky on Xbox Live sometimes. Is that something you can fix "your end" or is it a general Xbox Live issue that we're going to be stuck with forever until they invent a better kind of internet?

Sol: We can't really help it if some peasants with a steam powered internet connection log onto Live and host games. There is some stuff we've fettled with to make it better - we'll find out about 5 minutes after it hits the shops if people on the forums start moaning that it's lagging on their 56K modems.

What sort of PC will we need to make it look super-awesome? Our PC is a Dell from two years ago and we don't know what the graphics card is -- will it work on that?

Sol: We're waiting for someone to send us some really good PCs - like Alienware or someone, so we can say that those are the ones you'll need, hopefully seeing a cut of the profits. In the meantime we're making do with trying to keep the spec to something sensible - couple of Gig processor, half a gig of ram and recent video card. If it runs DirectX 9 stuff there is a good chance it will work. You could try running it on a 486 if it's got AGP, but it would be like receiving a series of postcards of someone driving into walls.

This is what PC games usually look like. Imagine how excited PC gamers will be when they get OutRun 2006! It'll be like when we first got a Mega Drive.

Have you got any quotes you'd like us to slip into a review? We could easily sort that out for a few quid or some boxed copies we can sell on eBay.

Sol: I think 'What's with the vest top' should make an appearance somewhere. Preferably as one of those really funny comments under a screenshot. Can you get to Edge write something like 'It's reyt good'? Just to lighten the tone a bit.

Would you like to "big up" or make any "shout outs" to your team members, or end by saying something needlessly controversial that will get you in trouble at work?

Sol: I'll leave it with asking Sega if we can have our passports back, we've almost finished it now and promise not to run away.

Thanks very much to internet spokesdeveloper 'Sol'. The best arcade game ever will be out for a machine you actually own at the end of March or thereabouts.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

We've been sent this photograph:



...along with an email that claims he is the real-life face of the OutRun 2006 "Flag Man". We're assured it's not true, but you have to respect the man for trying.

This is the email:



We really hope there is a man called Javier Sanchez out there, and that he really is a shopping mall security guard, and that he really has been lying to his friends about being in OutRun 2006.

Javier, if you are reading this, it's very important you email us. It's to do with us being BEST FRIENDS.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Virtua Tennis 3 -- powered by Sega's Lindbergh board -- will be on show this week at the ATEI show held in the heart of London's fashionable 'London'. We'll probably go just because of this, and also because there might be an OutRun2 on freeplay and girls playing DDR.



As you can see, the game is about 'tennis'. The rules of tennis are that you hit the ball over the net, trying to keep it between the lines. You score 15 points each time your opponent fails to keep it in, although sometimes you only score ten points -- that's because the scoring system was created by the French who were just being difficult.




The most important rule of tennis is to be a pretty blond girl. Then it doesn't matter if you win, as you will win in life anyway.




Sega didn't send out any screenshots of the blond girls, so all you get is loads of men's arses :(





It's the grass one set in London! Obviously it'll be called the "London Open" or the "England Cup" or the "Jolly Tournament" rather than "Wimbledon".




Looks really quite amazingly nice, really, doesn't it? Even though it'll just be "more Virtua Tennis".




We even bother uploading the logo. That's how much we love Sega. Come back next week and we might do a little review based on playing it at ATEI, if we go.

THE FULL AND QUITE POORLY WRITTEN PRESS RELEASE:
Sunday, 22 January 2006

Sega Brings Centre Court to Earls Court!!

Some of the most realistic graphics to come out of Sega's world leading R&D teams will be on display at Earls Court this week. Taking a look at the latest version of Virtua Tennis 3 on the new Lindbergh universal cabinet and you will think you are at home in July watching Centre Court on your brand new widescreen plasma. All that is missing is the strawberries and cream!

The game boasts the top players in the world including Henman, Roddick, Hewitt and World No.1 Roger Federer. The format of the game takes players on a world tour of some of the most famous courts in the world across France, the US, Australia, Germany and of course the famous halloed turf from SW16.

To increase the player's involvement this version features IC Smart card technology. With the card the player can participate in a virtual 'World Ranking', starting at 999th in the world with the aim of becoming World Champ. The progression up the ranks depends on how well matches are won and who against. Equally any matches lost will affect the ranking. Also as a feature to stimulate regular repeat play if a player does not use his card for a period of time his ranking will decrease.

It is also possible to manipulate the play style of the tennis player; whether you want to 'play base' line, 'serve and volley' or 'offensive' amongst a choice of 8 styles you can. With the IC Card the player can change outfits and build up a collection of tournament medals.

For the novice player the game features a series of training sessions. This will strengthen various techniques by setting the player a mission - such as performing 6 forehands followed by 6 backhands followed by a smash volley.
Sega's Justin Burke commented, "Aside from all the great names, famous courts and games features perhaps the 'wow' factor is the amazing graphics that are recreated on the screen. This in a location is going to stand out by a long way. The first two games in this series have both been massive hits and there is every reason that this will be another smash!"

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

2006 is going to be the year of handheld gaming. No question about it.



HOLY



JESUS




OF




GAMES.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

One "go" lasts for an hour and a half when you're good, and you've sat there perfectly still listening to whooshing techno sounds and feeling happy. For an HOUR AND A HALF! Great music, bright, loud and lovely, it's the best demonstration of "happy gaming" we've ever seen. Playing it feels like being drunk and dancing and popular! Thinking about it now is making us happy! Look! We're doing exclamation marks!!



Did you read our review and extremely frightening Lumines fan fiction? We really went overboard on this one. Because it's the best game of 2005, according to us and out of the ones we played.

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT 2005

Since 'completing' Lumines, we haven't played any other PSP games. They're all a bit boring. Even the thrill of getting them to boot off Memory Stick doesn't make playing inferior versions of PS2 franchises very appealing.

Stay tuned for our "New Year's Apologies List" in which we'll be fully apologising to everyone for everything we did (and some things we didn't) throughout 2005.

And if we're REALLY bored next week, we might make it "Rejected Ideas" week, in which we upload all the half-finished updates we've got that we never got around to finishing off. It's Christmas, no one will be reading, and if anyone is reading they'll be too drunk to care.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

The same old "Collect things!" play that made Animal Crossing such a hit on Gamecube, only tweaked so you simply cannot stop playing it. You have to walk your dogs, else you might miss an item. You have to feed your dogs in the morning, because if your dogs get hungry and sad they might not get you good presents in the evening. Amazing Nintendo mind control. This sounds so shit and only for children/girls, but it really isn't.



We liked it so much we splashed out on a domain name to make jokes about it.

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT 2005

We've only just got Animal Crossing Wild World on import, so will maybe put it in next year's list. It's shaping up well so far!

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

NOT JUST BECAUSE WE LOVE ANYTHING BY SEGA! It's a genuine evolution of the 2D Sonic play, with the tricking and boosting giving you permanent access to Super Sonic speed and making replaying levels with your enhanced trick skills a pleasure. You get better at tricking, you earn more boost, you run faster and get better still. It's still getting better each time we play it, and we've played it SHIT LOADS.



More Sonic, better Sonic. And shit! We didn't even mention the hot music that's like the Jet Set Radio music, OR the brilliant stylus-based bonus round, OR that Blaze is a very good character, OR that Cream's in it.

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT 2005

We tried to play an MMORPG for the first time this year. It was rubbish and extremely boring. We already instinctively knew it would be, but it was nice to get proper confirmation.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Yeah, everyone's being ironic and saying this is the best Xbox 360 launch game as a joke -- but it really actually is! It's an incredible "high score" shooter, one that also ranks you online against other players making it competitive beyond belief. All you do is rotate and shoot, but the range of enemies and speed of play is incredible.

It's like 3D never happened and games are still about precise control and skill and fun!



Our best high score so far is 520,035 which is very fucking awesome and our Gamertag is OXM Zorg if you want to check we're not lying.

ADDITIONAL NOTES ABOUT 2005

It's been the worst year for games since 2001, when Sega stopped really bothering and we were lumbered with first-generation PS2 shite. If it wasn't for the Nintendo DS the year would've been the worst year for gaming since records began -- and we nearly didn't bother getting a DS at all. So thanks, Nintendo! You're not the enemy any more! You literally saved 2005.

We never got round to getting God of War. Chances are we wouldn't have liked it as much as everyone else because it would've been like Ninja Gaiden only different and therefore worse.

We haven't got confused -- this list is SUPPOSED to start at number four, because we can only think of four really decent games we played this year. And we must've played at least 50.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

So we're told by someone we trust and believe (not with our life, but definitely with Sega news). That's the entire story. We can't even think of a joke about it or a reason why Sega's pretending it isn't. But there you go. A short factual piece. Here's a screenshot of OutRun2 on Xbox from last year, because looking at OutRun2 makes us happy:



Happy days will be here again! (March, 2006).

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Now known as OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast. Breathless, neverending, constant, unbelievably bias, childlike, innocent, loving and tender 24/7 coverage coming soon!



This is reason number one to "keep going" through the winter.


OUTRUN 2006: COAST 2 COAST DRIFTS ONTO PSP, PLAYSTATION 2 AND PC

Ferrari License Brings 12-car Line-up to Classic Arcade Racer

LONDON & SAN FRANCISCO (December 8th, 2005) - SEGA(r) Europe Ltd. and SEGA(r) of America, Inc. can exclusively announce OutRun 2006: Coast 2 Coast, the latest instalment in the iconic OutRun series, will appear on the PlayStation(r)2 computer entertainment system and PSP(tm) portable entertainment system for the very first time! OutRun 2006: Coast to Coast is set for release in March 2006 giving a new legion of gamers the opportunity to experience the thrills of this hugely popular franchise.

The enchanting draw of the open road has never been so appealing with the choice of one of 12 fully licensed Ferrari models, featuring the all-new F430 and the dazzling Superamerica. Gamers will feel the throaty whine and that distinctive Ferrari exhaust tone as they power their way across 30 glorious stages from the best of the OutRun2 original, and the new OutRun2 SP arcade experience. Race from coast to glorious coast with a fresh new mission structure, a license mode and online play with up to 6 players for a thrilling head-to-head journey.

"Amazing Ferraris, incredible courses, beautiful girls - and all available on Sony's PSP and PlayStation 2," commented Matt Woodley, Creative Director of SEGA. "The only thing you'll be asking for is another go!"

With platform specific missions, the player will also be able to unlock PSP exclusive content by connecting with the PS2 version, and vice versa. Stack up the OutRun miles from the sun-drenched sands of Palm Beach to the charms of Cape Way to unlock new tracks, cars and much more! With a girlfriend by your side and open country before you, which route will you take?

OutRun 2006: Coast 2 Coast is being developed by UK developers, Sumo Digital Ltd, the team responsible for the critically acclaimed OutRun 2. OutRun 2006: Coast-2-Coast is scheduled for release in March 2006 for PS2/PSP/PC. For more information on these and other SEGA titles, please visit www.sega-europe.com

Labels: ENTHUSIASM