It's an ideal carpet for lying down on in the dark, as when you roll over to sob into the floor you'd see Sonic and maybe feel a bit happier about the way things have turned out.

SONIC GETS A CARPETING
By Michael Zorg

"Oh, do we HAVE to?" moaned Sonic, as Amy dragged him through the car park of Carpet Megastore.

"Yes, Sonic, we DO" said Amy, firmly, tugging his hand and quickening her walk.

"You've worn them all out with your constant spinning"

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Sonic was thinking he'd rather be anywhere than shopping for carpets. Not only shopping for carpets, but shopping for carpets with Amy. Amy loved shopping for carpets, heck, Amy loved shopping for anything!

Last Saturday it was ring holders, the Saturday before it was emerald stands, the Saturday before that was... something Sonic really wasn't interested in and also considered a waste of time buying.

This Saturday was carpets.

Sonic trudged along behind Amy, occasionally pretending he had an opinion on a carpet before being told it wasn't good enough and they had to carry on looking. Perhaps, later, they may have to go to another carpet store to see more carpets, said Amy, such was the lack of a suitable carpet in this shop that contained 1000 carpets.

Sonic, unusually for him, was dragging his feet and walking slowly. So slowly, in fact, that Amy had wandered off ahead of him separating the two of them.

"Hey Sonic!"

It was Cream!

"Oh, er, hey Cream!" said Sonic, nervously glancing around to make sure Amy wasn't about. "How are you?"

"Oh, you know, bored of shopping for carpets. Mum made me come, she says the one in my bedroom is all worn out because I'm always spinning on it. How I hate shopping for carpets!"

"Yeah, carpets are stupid!" said Sonic, after once again checking that Amy wasn't within earshot.

"No, wait! Come and see what I've found!" Cream said, her eyes suddenly widening and, unbeknownst to Sonic, weeing herself slightly from being so excited.

Before he could protest, Cream grabbed Sonic by the hand and ran very fast - almost as fast as Sonic himself! - through the carpet store into a dark, deserted aisle.

"Look!"

Cream pointed to an old cylinder of carpet. It was grey with a blue design. It was dusty, and had probably lain there untouched since about 1992.

"The design, Sonic, look at the design!!"

Cream pulled Sonic roughly toward the carpet rack, and punched the old carpet to remove some of the dust. Sonic sneezed, waved the dust from the air and peered at the carpet.

"It's... it's ME!"

"Yes, Sonic! You're so famous and cool they made a carpet after you!"

Sonic couldn't believe his eyes. They had made a carpet after him! Probably in 1992, when he was the most famous because of Sonic 2 on the Mega Drive.

"Wow!" said Sonic, grabbing the frayed end of the carpet and yanking it hard to unfurl a fresh, clean and dust free section. "It's as good as new!"

"Yes, and so soft!" said Cream, as she unfurled loads more carpet, until carpet was covering the entire width of the aisle!

Cream stroked the carpet, then lay down on it. She rolled over onto her tummy, letting her little orange dress ride up to reveal her white knickers.

"Come here, Sonic!"

Sonic looked around nervously.

"Come on! It's all soft and like new!" giggled Cream, slipping off her orange shoes and lying back on the carpet, playfully kissing the woven Sonic image on the carpet and smiling up at the real Sonic standing there in front of her.

Sonic looked around nervously again, before smiling - with attitude! - and rolling up beside Cream on the lovely soft carpet.

"It's so soft, isn't it?" said Cream, gently, stroking the carpet and gradually moving her hand toward Sonic, then stroking Sonic's arm.

Sonic looked at Cream. "Yes, Cream, it's very soft and I..."

"SONIC!"

It was Amy.

"What the HELL are you doing with HER?!"

"Oh, Amy! It's, er, I can..." stuttered Sonic.

"I'm going home!" squealed Amy in a very angry voice indeed.

Amy then turned around and started to run at full speed - but she was so angry she didn't look where she was going and hit her head on a metal carpet rail.

Amy fell on the ground. You could tell she was dead immediately, because of the brain and stuff that had come out.

"Oh well" said Sonic.

"Oh well" said Cream.

Sonic grabbed the carpet cutting tool and cut off a length of the Sonic carpet, rolled Amy's body up in it and put it in a big trolley. They paid for the carpet - it was cheap because it was so old - and then Sonic and Cream drove in Amy's car to some cliffs and threw the carpet-wrapped body off into the sea, where it sank to the bottom and was never found.

They then went home and had sex on the threadbare carpet in Sonic's house, but they didn't notice that the carpet was threadbare because sex is better and more fun than carpets.

The end.

Labels: GONZO