UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
Sometimes the simple ones are the best.


Tomb Raider beachy playtime

Tomb Raider beachy playtime

We've already managed two over the top one and are saving the second one for the evening session.

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She's American, therefore she is not being ironic in this photograph. That expression is her 'being sexy' expression.


Try chewing on the power lead next time

We'd rather take a course of gay drugs and put Master Chief's balls in our mouths than spend a second in the company of any of these controller-kissing cliches.

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We interrupt our boring, stuck-record, didn't-you-make-all-these-jokes-in-1999?, anti-PlayStation3 rants for a second, to bring you some photos of miserable-but-hot girls dressed up like Final Fantasy characters.


Final Fantasy cosplay bitch 1

Final Fantasy cosplay bitch 2

Final Fantasy cosplay bitches 3, 4 and 5

Final Fantasy cosplay bitch 6

TOMORROW: our PS3 looming Euro-disaster happy-as-pigs-in-shit-fest continues.


Men in fleeces :(

And this is the reality of the FFXII launch event. Fat men in fleeces.

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We've just been sent a copy of Sexy Sudoku which attempts to liven up the dull organising-numbers-for-businessmen-on-trains quiz by including photos of naked women.


SEXY SUDOKU!

About once every six months we ask someone to explain the rules of Sudoku. Then we forget again. It's something like "all the numbers have to add up to 12" or maybe "make all the boxes add up to the same number".


SEXY SUDOKU!

The rules of Sudoku are something we will never need to know so we don't bother remembering. Like maths or what girls like to talk about.


SEXY SUDOKU!

We'll have a novice puzzle, please, seeing as what we think the rules are aren't actually the rules, so we'll be here for a very long time otherwise.


SEXY SUDOKU!

You get to see more naked women for solving puzzles without clues. What the maker has done is taken an existing thing, then added a clever incentive system. Imagine if Xbox Live handed out naked photos of girls instead of stupid 'points'! It'd be huge.


SEXY SUDOKU!

The nudity is quite nude. They are naked, akimbo in some photos, but not holding themselves open or having a bit of someone else going in them. It is the sort of nudity that was considered RED HOT before the internet, but now is acceptable on children's TV.


SEXY SUDOKU!

It's taken 21 minutes to get this far on novice, thanks to it letting you just press numbers and telling you when you're wrong (RED NUMBER) and when you're right (GREEN NUMBER). God knows how people do this in their heads.


SEXY SUDOKU!

We solved it! She's impressed, although she probably thought this photo shoot was going to be used in Razzle.


SEXY SUDOKU!

Ten naked girls to unlock. Just like in our basement.


SEXY SUDOKU!

But all the images are stored in a folder as JPEGs, so you can just scroll through them. This ruins the fun and suspense. If only Carol Vorderman's Sudoku offered a similar amount of gratuitous nudity. 7/10.

IDEAS FOR MORE 'SEXY' GAMES

SEXY MONKEY BALL: 100 bananas = banana goes in mouth

SEXY MONKEY BALL: 1000 bananas = banana goes in bottom

SEXY SONIC: 100 rings = item of Cream's clothing comes off

SEXY SONIC: 1000 rings = Cream loses all inhibitions after eating one of those mushrooms in the background and you have 15 minutes with her limp body before she realises what's happening.

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Literally hundreds of them. Well, at least 15, which is still a lot when you consider the search terms (girls, playing, Wii, photos, of, naked, XXX). And they obviously don't mind you looking as they've put the photos on the internet for looking at:


Flickr Wii girls

More Flickr Wii girls

Yet more Flickr Wii girls

Yes, it's more more Flickr Wii girls

It's amazing what you stumble across while searching for Thai ladyboy party piss porn.


None particularly hot, it has to be said

Too lanky

Too trashy

Looks like a ringer

They may not be fully aware of what they're doing or what's happening, but at least it looks like they're having fun. Well done, Nintendo. Go and knock yourself out.

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Here's another Wii advertorial, this time from the pages of woman's magazine Glamour. And you thought the DS Lite was a bit effeminate...


Wii - For girls

We, er, accidentally bought this while meaning to buy Nuts or Zoo. Or FHM or Maxim or that one about cars.




Pink pages. Nice touch. That'll draw them in.




Still, we mustn't complain. If "the girls" want to stay in and play video games while we go out to drink Stella and snort poppers at strip clubs, that's just fine by us. Sounds like a great emerging new world order, in fact.




We think this panel might be hinting at the fact you can stick it up your fanny.




Just like any other party, only with a games machine awkwardly tagged onto the bottom. You go, girls.




Keep checking Glamour magazine for more Wii exclusives!


ALSO IN GLAMOUR MAGAZINE THIS MONTH:
  • 50 really obvious arguments for car journeys

  • A thing about how celebrities are fat so you feel better

  • Lots of rubbish albums given 5/5

  • How having shoes is better than being thin
  • Labels:

    The organisers sound worthy enough, but you know it's mainly about getting girls to send in photos. Like these:












    Yes, let's celebrate the diversity of the female gaming community by picking which one is the hottest out of a big online meat catalogue. It's enough to make you almost pity girl gamers... but not quite. They're the ones that sent in their photos after all.


    PAGE 5, ROW 2, FURTHEST ON THE RIGHT:
    Browse the meat catalogue here. Hopefully it's all one big sting, and as the girls walk through the doors of the venue there's no floor - just a slippery ramp leading down to a huge mincing machine. We'd certainly buy some girl sausages. Even though some of them look a bit gristly.

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    This is a promotional (ie, paid for by Nintendo) advertorial (ie, an advert pretending to be part of the magazine) in UK magazine Prima.

    What's unusual about this is that Prima isn't a video game magazine, it's a magazine about clothes and shopping and diets and "Ooh! This one's got flowers on it!" aimed at bored housewives.


    Wii - For unrealistic families that don't exist

    Nintendo is saying that Wii is family fun that could stop your wayward 14-year-old daughter huffing lighter fluid and wanking off boys in stolen cars. Before you know it your family will be like a family from a TV sitcom instead of like a family from the news, all thanks to the unifying family force of... Nintendo Wii.


    Time indoors = wanking time

    "Time indoors can be quality time too". It's nice to see a positive spin applied to the world's most anti-social hobby.


    She's called Kerisha

    We've got another girlfriend off MySpace.


    Wii ANIMAL CROSSING! YES GOD YES!

    AND WHAT IS THIS?! Has Nintendo granted the Wii Animal Crossing world exclusive first-look to UK woman magazine Prima?!


    Wiirobics

    The "health benefits of a little light exercise"? Nintendo is trying to make Wii sound like something that will make fat women thin. This could be a genius move. After all, this is how we became lettuce millionaires in the early 1980s.


    Period Pain Special

    Prima - first for Nintendo Wii exclusives. And also for stuff about PMT and hormone replacement therapy and what trousers to wear to the office party.

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    Obviously we didn't go to the Tokyo Game Show, due to not being important, respected, liked, trusted, influential, reliable, popular or responsible enough. But we did the next best thing - we got someone who was going to take photos of all the identical little Japanese girl things!

    As ever, we expected to get back maybe three unusable blurry photos taken from too far away using the most fashionable and very latest mobile phones. But no! Our 'anonymous source' totally delivered, saying he "felt like a right dirty old man at first but everyone's at it" and that "they're very forthcoming and don't mind posing at all. Especially the cosplayers. They just love showing off and flashing their bits for the camera".

    Here's the meat:




    If you think we're writing captions for 68 photos of girls with all the same smile you can go melon farm yourselves.














    Six pictures in and the winner has already been revealed. You can go back to NewsNow or Kotaku, or wherever it was you clicked on this link.






    We'd like to make a deposit in that lovely, soft bank.










    If you click on these pictures you should be able to see a bigger version. We say should, as there's no way we're bothering to check that 68 links work.




    Doesn't that thing she's doing with her fingers mean something rude? When we were at school it meant 'put your tongue in me'. Mind you, that was in 1967 and times have changed a bit since.
















    This is the one we pondered over most. She's weird looking, but extremely cute. Under proper lighting conditions she could either be amazingly hot or all lopsided and geeky.




    Too westernised. 4/10.




    Too much like a character from an American PC MMORPG. 3/10.








    What a lovely smile! This photo must've been taken within the first five minutes of the show doors opening, before her delicate, butterfly-like soul was STOMPED INTO SHIT by 50,000 geeks trying to get a photo when she's bending down.








    This one turned out nice. Good sense of movement.








    Getting one like that to consent is one of our ambitions.




    Yes, there's still lots more. This is the halfway point.












    We really should learn how to do that thing other web sites do, where they have a link that says "Read more" that goes to a second page. It would add an air of professionalism that would surely see us 'headhunted' by Kotaku or Joystiq so we could do this sort of thing for money.




    At the moment we do this for aggravation and legal threats.
















    Respect goes out to KOEI, for opting not to dress its booth girls in outfits influenced by fuedal Japan, and instead making them look like Asian prostitute robots from the near future.




    More Asian prostitute robots from the near future. Roll on 2012!




    Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday.










    This is a character from some Japanese game. It's probably quite close to how she looks in the game.






    Oh dear. This photo really needed to be not blurry. Still, you can get quite a good idea.




    Even Japanese women can't think of anyone else to cosplay as than Kasumi. The TGS organisers are banning Kasumis from 2007's show.










    We'd really like to get our hands on that - then fold it up neatly and put it in the cupboard with all our other rare SEGA t-shirts.




    PROPER JOKE CAPTION: Rockstar's Table Tennis has been redesigned a bit for the Japanese market!!





    Sorry if you're on a capped broadband service. You've just used up all of September and October's allowance.














    That's it. That's what happens to the "main page" when you put 68 photos on it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as we hated resizing everything and doing all the links.

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    This is what four months of being pawed and abused by cretins like us can do to a woman:

    Chewed up and spat out

    They're making her do her own hair now the budget's been spent. We're officially downgrading her from a Category A 'immediately marry' to a Category C 'would let put it in mouth'.

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    Just Google "huge cocks" and another viral Wii joke to post on forums will be yours in seconds.

    Open-mouthed and ready

    Dear Nintendo, if we can have the one on the left for 20 minutes or the one on the right for 30 minutes we'll give the entire Wii launch line-up 10/10. Thanks.

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    We'd like to apologise for saying Versus TV is "the best thing on the internet" - it's quite clear to us now that it is actually THE WORST THING ON THE INTERNET EVER. Even including that photo of the man stretching his bottom really wide open.




    Worse than that photo of the man stretching his bottom really wide open.




    It's also worse than that photo of that Japanese girl poo-ing beans over herself in the bath, even though that was actually quite arousing and we've probably got it saved somewhere.




    This sudden change in heart was brought about by them complaining about us in the most amazingly hilarious spoilt-little-princess way imaginable, because they're pretty girls on the internet who always have to have their way and couldn't understand why we weren't licking their shoes like all the clingy losers who populate their 'forum' and comment on their 'blogs'.




    So obviously we now have to brutally rip apart everything they ever do as revenge. Welcome to the shithouse, bitches!




    So, let's put ourselves through the abject torture that is listening to two full-of-themselves girls having boring opinions about really old games!




    Ace! They've just done a review of Resident Evil 4! This is really handy, because it's not like a million people have been saying all over the internet that Resident Evil 4 is really good for the last two years.




    Great! And the other one's talking about Halo 1 and Halo 2! This is really useful, as we often find there isn't enough information and opinion about Halo 1 or Halo 2 already in the public domain. It's almost as if the girls think their opinions are somehow important just because they're girls.




    "The gameplay seems simple at first. Perhaps it is" is about the brightest observation in this piece, which makes us really glad we held off buying Halo 2 for 18 months until we got the valuable opinion of a girl who works in a shop.




    She pronounces arbiter "are-bite-er" which is wrong. Ha ha! The stupid cow!




    She bought the Halo 2 comic book! Perhaps she bought it in a branch of GAME. There are lots of branches of GAME around the country, in places as varied as London, Basingstoke, Exeter (x2) and Bristol.




    It would be TERRIBLE if someone was to take this innocent image, open it up in Photoshop and crudely superimpose two penises where those action figures are. It would then be the absolute FINAL STRAW if some sick pervert uploaded their foul creation to a free image hosting service, such as Imageshack, and posted the resulting link in the Comments field below this update. That would be horrible and distressing to say the least, especially if it was turned into some sort of sick competition about who could do it 'best', and we implore you all not to take such crude and base actions for it would sully the internet in a terrible manner we would not wish to be associated with.

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    It's more VersusTV and Vixen means the Dreamcast and a Dreamcast game! We thought girls like this had all died out (at our hands).



    She then ruins it loads and makes us lose our erection by talking about Tekken 5 for ages, then the Tekken 5 loading screens, then how there's a "Customise" option where you can customise your character. You could say she loses focus a bit. Still, all we're thinking about is "Wow, she has a Dreamcast!!" so we're guilty of losing focus too.




    She also plays Sonic Rush in another one. If we were to ever meet her, we could fill in all the awkward silences by talking about Sonic Rush. We could ask what her favourite level is, then say "Oh" and that would be a conversation with a girl! We would then write the time and date down in the notebook we have where we list all the times we've spoken to girls.




    Watching this other one is like actually having a girlfriend! She's rambling on about something for ages, and all we're doing is wishing she'd shut up and let us concentrate on watching the telly.




    It's quite interesting to see what happens when you just leave a girl talking on her own for ages. They literally go quite mental! Here, she's started playing a Tamagotchi game and is listing the kinds of shops in it! There's a cleaners where you get to wash and iron clothes, for example!

    We still like Siren, even though she said on her forum that UKR "is certainly very predictable" and that "you just want them to do something to surprise you rather than running over the same old 'we're so UN-Politically Correct it hurts' stuff... y'know?" which is actually quite a fair point that we'll seriously take on board.




    "BTW", this isn't stalking if you're one of their boyfriends or the police, as they actually put the videos up on the internet themselves for us to watch, so we're allowed to watch them and probably even allowed to pause and rewind them and watch certain bits again 100 times. We're also not saying it's rubbish, as we love watching their work. It's mesmerising!




    In fact, Versus TV is the BEST THING ON THE INTERNET right now. Please make more of it and please can we be in it as special guest stars one day. We're much more polite in real life and will practise what we're going to say beforehand so we come across as funny and interesting.

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    Some new girl gaming clan mash-up splinter-group side-project thing involving everyone's favourite Frag Doll and some other girl thing we recognise from a million internet forums has sent in a video clip of them wearing sexy gloves and looking at the camera - as if they might be looking at us!

    This kind of reverse anticipatory stalking is confusing and has put us on the defensive. Still, we'll power through as it's pictures of girls:



    It's Vixen and Siren. It must be confusing being a girl on the internet and keeping track of all the pretend names you have to use to stop men finding you and killing you. They say they're going to tell us what games to play. At least this time it won't just be the UbiSoft back catalogue.




    The game we're thinking of playing at the moment is Put The Sausage In That One's Mouth While That One Feels Our Bottom And Says We're Really Nice And Funny. You can see them ACTUALLY WALKING AND TALKING LIKE THEY'RE LOOKING AT YOU here.


    AND THERE'S A PROPER GALLERY THEY MADE PROBABLY JUST FOR US BECAUSE THEY SECRETLY THINK WE'RE REALLY COOL:
    The proper gallery.




    The fantasy scenario we've built up in our heads around the above photo is this: They're both trying to look as sexy as possible to make us like them, and if there's no clear winner we can have both.

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    We're really getting into women's feet these days. If a girl isn't wearing sexy shoes, she's not worth looking at twice or following home down a poorly-lit path.



    "This little piggy went to... UP MY ARSE"




    "...and this little piggy stayed at... IN MY HOT WANTING MOUTH"




    "...this little piggy had SEXY TIGHTS PULLED OVER IT"




    "... and this little piggy had FUCK-ME RED NAIL VARNISH ON IT"




    "...and this little piggy got COVERED IN SPUNK, ALL THE WAY UP TO THE ANKLE BONE"




    We're out of our depth here. We just don't know enough about foot fetish terminology to pull this off.




    "Phwoar, nicely rounded balls"

    Next week: Lara Croft's DEFORMED FOOT NIGHTMARE.

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    ...in return for an hour of 'full personal service' with any two out of the following ten entrants in its 'Search For Any Kind Of Sexy Woman' t-shirt model competition:

    Used, then dead by next Tuesday Kept alive for a year

    Those two specifically, but any of the rest would probably also do for what we have in mind*. They've made the classic mistake of putting their real names on the web site, so we'll have them all geographically pinpointed to within five metres and added to MySpace within the hour. Although, judging from her dental records, Lorena Linx is loads more than 21 and needs some seriously expensive root canal work so she's out of the equation.


    *Telling them how life isn't fair for ages while they don't interrupt or say anything about themselves, then starting to cry and having them tell us it's all going to be OK while we smell their hair and remember what mum's hair used to smell like back when everything used to be OK. Then spunking on their tummies and getting a Chinese on the way home.

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    They generate, literally, one million possible captions to do with girls-not-really-understanding how video games work.

    Women, not understanding games!

    The caption for this one could say the one on the left's checking to see if she's got anything stuck in her teeth in the screen reflection, while the one on the right is trying to use it as a camera. Because she thinks it's a camera!


    Updates like this are why we'll be dying alone

    Then, the caption for this one could just be "would" as in, we definitely WOULD like to take her home, then post bits of her body back to our parents to PROVE we're not gay. And so on.


    sigh

    This one would have a really long caption about PSP's poor battery life. The joke being that we have SOMETHING ELSE to put in her hands (a penis) that also takes a lot of charging up and then doesn't last very long.


    IT'S GOT TO THE STAGE WHERE THIS SORT OF STUFF WRITES ITSELF AND WE OUGHT TO JUST TURN THIS SITE INTO A TEXT-ONLY LIST OF REALLY OBVIOUS LINKS TO PICS LIKE THIS:
    Here.

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    No freakin' way! This is on Microsoft's Xbox 360 web site. It is (a) a woman, a woman who is (b) explaining about cables and high-def settings.

    We're not ones for rampant sexism or anything, but... we've never met a woman who knows about the difference between VGA, component and HDMI. It's like the offside rule - their brains just don't get it.

    Xbox 360 cable-explaining woman LIE

    Obviously written by a man, or at the very least heavily edited and made to make sense by one.

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    Hello there,

    The scary cameraman from GameLife loves photographing violent things, and he has a nice website full of pictures of him looking paedish and of Melissa being dead.

    http://www.creativelybankrupt.com/

    Also enjoy Andrew's myspace:

    http://www.myspace.com/andyapple

    Melissa from Gamelife 'being dead'

    Melissa from GameLife 'being dead'.

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    This is from Vivendi's bizarre cash-burning press trip to Malaga, where they took loads of people out for a free holiday to promote a game absolutely no one cares about at all.

    It was designed to promote its "let's-make-another-urban-gangsta-game!" game Scarface. Instead of real tigers, like in the film, they got women and made them into tigers by painting them and their tits.

    Scarface tiger whore (tail relief, 50 pounds)

    This isn't what usually happens on press trips. Usually, it's just a load of miserable men who don't really like each other being forced to wait around for ages and make small talk until someone turns up and gives them lots of beer so they can go back to the hotel and have a decent wank.


    [Photo removed to comply with French humour legislation]

    See? If anyone else has any more photos from the Scarface PR event, please send them in. And any other PR event shots too, particularly of men looking miserable and any women at all.

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    Carol Vorderman's got a PSP! We've also got PSP! This means when we fantasise about meeting her, it's now loads more realistic because we know what we'll be talking to her about before we inevitably have sex with her. Sex that we learn lots from because of how old she is.

    Carol's Hot Sudoku action on PSP

    CAROL VORDERMAN SUDOKU TO MAKE A STAR APPEARANCE ON SONY PLATFORMS

    London, May 2006, XPLOSIV, the multi-platform value range have announced that the ever popular Carol Vorderman Sudoku will be released on PlayStation2 and PSP in June 2006. The addictive and challenging puzzle craze that has swept the globe found a huge fan and supporter in best selling author and personality Carol Vorderman and these interactive games will allow Carol to show you how it's done.

    Let her take you (YES!) step-by-step via live action video (YES!) explaining the methods of Sudoku and revealing handy hints so that you too can become a Sudoku master. If you feel you've mastered the methods of Sudoku then the game will allow you to lay down the gauntlet and challenge Carol to the ultimate Sudoku showdown.

    'A better one please, Carol!'

    As gadget enthusiast Carol said 'I love my PSP, it fits in my handbag and is really handy for someone like me who travels a great deal.' She adds, 'I can't wait to be able to play Sudoku on the PSP where and whenever I want.'

    Sudoku has a huge appeal globally and Carol Vorderman Sudoku is perfect for the PSP and PS2 platforms. The additional formats will add a greater offering to Sudoku fans and more ways for them to feed their Sudoku habit' said Joanne Fawell, European Product Manager, Xplosiv.

    As a self-confessed Sudoku addict, the Channel 4 Countdown presenter says: 'I have become completely obsessed and a bit of a saddo. I love competitions with friends to see who finishes first. I go for the fiendishly hard one and have got my time down from five hours to under twenty minutes.' She adds, 'Mind you I'm told off at home, at work and even in the hairdressers for going "into the Sudoku zone" and "not listening to a word anyone says".'

    Sudoku challenges you to fill in the missing numbers in a 9x9 grid. It's a game of reasoning, that doesn't require calculating or special math skills - but instead focuses on concentration and brain power

    Starring and presented by Carol Vorderman, Carol will appear in the form of live video and will talk the player through a number of features including:-

    Exclusive features to PSP and PS2

    · 2 player Mode
    · Wireless game mode (PSP version only )

    Arcade mode

    · Beat the clock!
    · Extra time
    · Perfection
    · 3 strikes and your out!
    · High Score table


    PS2, PC and PSP Features

    · Over 1 million unique puzzles (tbc)
    · 4 difficulty levels
    · Over 30 minutes of high quality video featuring Carol Vorderman
    · Step-by-step tutorial for beginners
    · Hits and tips for advanced players
    · Intuitive easy interface
    · Customisable assist functions
    · Ask Carol puzzle solver

    Multiple game modes

    · Classic
    · Career mode
    · Challenge Carol

    NOTES FOR EDITORS
    www.carolvordermanssudoku.com

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    Christ. This isn't just straight to video, it's straight to Google Video.

    Holly Valance could just about save the Dead or Alive movie

    Although...


    Holly Valance fighting in the sea could just about save the Dead or Alive movie

    Actually...


    Jamie Pressly wearing tight jeans could just about save the Dead or Alive movie

    Come to think of it...


    Devon Aoki in a bikini could just about save the Dead or Alive movie

    When you look at it like this...


    MOVIE SAVED

    BEST FILM EVER TWO THUMBS UP AND FIVE OUT OF FIVE.

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    Having things validated is always nice. Like when we found out that other people still loved SEGA and it made us feel less like outcasts. So discovering Girls of Counter-Strike is pretty amazing and life-affirming.

    Counter-Strike Ho' #1

    Even though they sound like screechy American teens, it would appear that the majority of Counter-Strike players are young sexy women, dressed in see-through negligees and pink panties with "INSERT COIN HERE" written on.


    Counter-Strike Skank #1

    "GirlsofCS is an online gaming community and nude pinup gallery. We are out to empower female gamers by eliminating the negative online stereotypes towards them." We're almost speechless in admiration for whoever wrote this. We would like to shake the hand of the woman who wrote this, because it CLEARLY IS a woman who did, and not a man; a young, scantily-dressed woman. Making an O shape with her mouth and doing stuff with her tongue whilst fingering the scroll-wheel on the mouse and PWNING n00bs.


    MySpace shame

    MySpace continues to astound us and justify our stalking hobby: LOOK! There's an entire community of HAWT 18 YEAR-OLD CS PLAYING HONEYS. All of them could potentially be our she-bitches.


    We may laugh, but we've 'added' them all

    She IS REAL. The world will know this when we bring her to our house, where we will care for and endlessly photograph her. We will even be gentle and sensitive to her as she sobs in the shower while trying to scrub off the SHAME with bleach.


    MORE PHOTOS OF TEENAGE AMERICAN 'BABES' WHO LOVE COUNTER-STRIKE:

    What if their dads found this?

    DIRTY.


    This is as close to talking to girls as we get these days

    DIRTY.


    MySpace is shameful

    DIRTY.


    Shamefully compelling

    DIRTY.


    She's probably really 14 :(

    DIRTY. Ultimate MySpace stalker resource update provided by guest updater The Cap'n.

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    Or a snake, as they're also known. Plus a few bonus ones of Lara Croft Model Karima Adebedidebidet from sexy angles as a sort of Easter gift. Just like the egg, the sperm also symbolises rebirth. So release some. Release some sperm for Jesus (but not while thinking of Jesus, as that's (a) gay and (b) against the law).


    Lara Croft model Karima... Adebibidebet


    Lara Croft model Karima... Debadebedebe


    Lara Croft model Karima... Bedadabede


    Lara Croft model Karima... Adedebedea


    Lara Croft model Karima... Debeadebe


    Lara Croft model Karima... Abedebedeba


    Lara Croft model Karima... Adabedebebe


    Lara Croft model Karima... Abebebebebe


    Lara Croft model Karima... Ababidet


    Lara Croft model Karima... Bebedabe

    This one's a bit rude. You can see the bit where her leg turns into her bottom. Respect is due to the photographer for taking the risk of kneeling down to get it.


    Lara Croft model Karima... Adebebeda

    She's making eye contact with the kneeler. She's probably thinking "Oh god, he can see up my shorts. Some sad loser is going to post this on the internet."


    Lara Croft model Karima... Adebibe

    That's better.

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    Does anyone else get THE MASSIVE HORN while watching a wet Lara Croft emerge from the water in Tomb Raider: Legend? She's got big tits, a big arse, strong arms and looks amazing when water is dribbling all down her hot body. We've actually considered having a wank over a video game, for the first time since Blaze flashed her knickers in Streets of Rage.

    This makes us want to write erotic fan fiction:

    Lara Croft Bukkake Porn (Google Rank +500)

    See? Are you hot, baby? Does this do it for you too, honeykins? If you've recently considered having a wank over Lara Croft despite being nearly 33 years old, please get in touch. We can almost certainly be friends.

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    Then SHIT LIFESTYLE BRAND Joystick Junkies would like to hear from you! You might be able to help them sell their shite t-shirts that feature such genius designs as a logo that says "Activision".

    Joystick Junkies - Now BEYOND a joke

    Which, reading between the lines, means "We'd like to get some photos of pretty girls in the office. We will then invite the prettiest ones to our parties and try to have sex with them after giving them lots of vodka."


    WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS IDEA:
  • It's six months too late
  • There are no girl gamers left
  • It's for "Joystick Junkies"
  • Labels:

    A non-anonymous reader called Tom, who we shall call "Tom", sent us this link to a woman dressed like Joanna Dark from that New Zealand Xbox 360 launch tour we mentioned a bit down the page there.

    Joanna Dark officially endorsed cosplay

    It's done quite well. Sorry, "she". She's done quite well. Must remember to stop calling women "it".


    Shame her game was so, er, 9/10

    This all we have for today. Tomorrow's headline is "ANOTHER BUNCH OF FUCKING MORONS HAVE PUT A GAMES TV SHOW ON THE INTERNET" but we might remove the word "fucking" to appear slightly less confrontational.

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    ...-ographic DVD magazine cover:

    F.A.O. Google: EMILY BOOTH PORN

    They're using a photo from about 1999, which brings back memories of spending two hours a day wanking over... anyway. We've said too much. People at work read this and we know our mums Google our names.

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    She's a whole three course meal of lovely! Plus she's quite "ample" so there's enough of her to feed a whole 747 of starving men, should Flight 844 go down on a mountain due to blizzard conditions.

    Karima Adebibe and her lifelike lips

    We'll bite her lips off first, as a sort of starter. They're OK to eat raw. Although seeing as she's 20, pretty, and used to work in Top Shop, she's bound to be riddled with STDs so we might have to pasteurise them first to be safe.


    What kind of name is Karima? Stupid pikey parents

    Then we'll have a couple of slices of belly. It's fatty meat, a bit like duck. She's got enough to go round. She's almost like a real woman!


    STOP LOOKING AT US LIKE WE'RE SEX OBJECTS

    Eyeballs for pudding, like being on holiday in France.


    Knocks Nell McAndrew down into second place

    She'll probably have died from blood loss by now so the rest of her can go in the freezer for special occasions, like when we celebrate a successful piece of social interaction.

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    The American Frag Dolls are addressing the (Ubisoft sponsored) Women in Games International thing, where lots of frumpy old women will pretend there's a reason more women don't work in games other than the REALLY OBVIOUS ONE about "computers" being boring to most of them.

    There's no conspiracy, ladies, it's just that little girls would rather learn about make-up and hairdressing than how to compile C++ code and develop portable code for the Maya platform.

    Here's the press release, plus a JOKE BIT we added at the bottom.
    All Female Game Team Leads Roundtable Discussion

    Thursday, February 9, 2006--San Francisco, CA--Women in Games International, a non-profit organization in the interactive entertainment industry, today announced the addition of the Frag Dolls as speakers at their next conference, Women in Games International-San Francisco. The Frag Dolls are an all-female video game team sponsored by global game publisher Ubisoft.

    Women in Games International-San Francisco, titled "Games for Women, Games by Women" is scheduled on Saturday, February 18 from 1 pm to 6 pm at the Fort Mason Conference Center in San Francisco. This conference addresses the myth that women don't "do" games by discussing statistics, game genres and careers in game development. Frag Dolls members Morgan Romine ("Rhoulette), Kat Hunter "Katscratch") Ashley Jenkins ("Jinx") and Emily ("Seppuku") are participating as speakers at the conference.


    FRAG DOLL SPEECHES AND TIMES:

    "Nintendogs -- why is it so lovely?" by Jinx, 9:45am Exhibition Hall 2

    "What is it about football games?!" by Rhoulette, 10:30am, Nelson Mandela Room

    "Has he got a better gun than me or am I just rubbish?" by Katscratch, 11:00am Exhibition Hall 2

    "I know!!! They should do NintenCATS next!!!" by Seppuku, 12:30pm Jonathan Sands Room

    "Why not make it so you look up when you press up?" by Katscratch, 1:30pm Exhibition Hall 2

    "Shopping games - a routemap for design" by Seppuku, 2:00pm UbiSoft Experience Room

    "Why are driving games always too fast?" by Rhoulette, 2:45pm Exhibition Hall 2

    "What's best out of Puzzle Bobble and Columns?" by Jinx, 3:00pm Meeting Room 3

    "What I think matters because I'm such a cutie-pie!" by Katscratch, 3:45am Exhibition Hall 2

    We've emailed the organisers requesting "glamour, lingerie, swimwear and cosplay photos" of the main speakers to illustrate a news piece. Update soon if they come through.

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    You can download her new film Evil Aliens "off of" Bittorrent right now, in the background, while you're reading this and massaging yourself erect in preparation for the inevitable artistically justified sexy scenes.



    She does stuff like this in it.




    And stuff like this!




    Stealing small, independent British movies off the internet feels like a quite bad thing to do...




    ...but they shouldn't go putting Emily Booth and her tits in them if they don't want us to download them. They're asking for it!




    So is she. Begging for lumpy, three-headed alien cock.




    But she never gets them properly 'out'. 2/10 "Disappointing" - UKR

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    You can buy Emily Booth's probably-not-that-stained coat on Ebay. We're holding out for those pants. And maybe the shoes. And maybe a personal home visit including a massage, genital touching and full intercourse to the successful bidder.

    Original residue

    "The awesome full-length leather coat which Emily wore for the Matrix inspired 'Gamer Girl' photos (as featured on Bouff.tv) is now up for grabs on eBay! Emily has personally signed the coat inside the lining at the bottom and we're also including a superb glossy 8" x 10" photo of Emily wearing the coat with the auction. This is the first in a series of regular official Bouff.tv auctions that we will be running this year so keep an eye on this eBay address to see what's available."

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    It's about cake and being platonic friends with men! It's for all (three of) our female readers, a kind of olive branch of peace at this special time of year.

    After all, if it wasn't for a girl (Mary) getting so drunk she didn't know who knocked her up, we wouldn't be able to spend ten days off work eating sweets! Girls rock!

    PROCEED TO THE CHRISTMAS JOKE.

    ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FOR MEN:
    Keep the bitches in a box until New Year.

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