UK:RESISTANCE 'main page'
The PlayStation3 hype rollercoaster has just rolled over the top of the high point and is now crashing downwards at full speed. It's like 1995 and 1999 all over again. We've been here before. All you have to do now is not listen to anything or look at the internet for six months and it will all have passed.

Ninja Gaiden Sigma on PS3 :(

The Tokyo Game Show has just happened. Lots of bad news was said at it. Like when Tecmo said Ninja Gaiden, which is the best game ever even including Sonic The Hedgehog, was going to be on PlayStation3.

Ninja Gaiden Sigma on PS3 :((((((

Not only is Ninja Gaiden going to PS3, it's also got playable Rachel in it. This is as disastrous as a plane full of anthrax crashing into your house three minutes before you were scheduled to lose your virginity to Cheryl Tweedy and evil clone Cheryl Tweedy.

VF5 - not looking very rubbish at all

Then we saw some more screenshots of Virtua Fighter 5. We thought about saying Wolf's chest looks a bit lumpy on his right-hand side there, but we'd just be lying to ourselves. This looks amazing, and is therefore as disastrous as going on a long drive and realising you forgot all your CDs but it's OK as your girlfriend remembered to bring her Snow Patrol B-sides collection.

Devil May Cry 4 - not looking shite

Then we saw screenshots of Devil May Cry 4. We momentarily laughed because Devil May Cry isn't as good as Ninja Gaiden and Tecmo said that Ninja Gaiden would NEVER... and so the dark sadness fell again.

Heavenly Sword - we can't nitpick really

Then there was Heavenly Sword. We thought about pointing out that the bloke's hand is a bit square and his fingers are rubbish, and maybe saying Heavenly Sword has "set video game hands back 15 years" but that would seem like clutching at straws. And we've clutched at our straws so much they're perfectly flat and the plastic has melted together from our angry body heat. They're not even straws any more, they're McDonalds tea stirrers now.

Gran Turismo 'HD'

At least Gran Turismo "HD" looked awful still. So that was the Tokyo Game Show. A few PS3 games looked OK which is bad, but the plus side is that everyone's still laughing at Sony for slashing the price of PS3 and changing the spec because it HASN'T GOT A CLUE what it's doing despite having been doing this for a decade. So it's kind of OK but not really OK. It's OK. We'll be OK. And remember, the press release that's coming in November and March about PS3 being "the fastest-selling console in history" has already been written, and the reason it sold out is because they only made 12.

1. We don't want to play Metal Gear Solid 4 anyway

2. The Virtua Fighter series peaked with VF3

3. Rachel's tits aren't that amazing they're worth spending 500 quid on rotating a camera around

4. We can't keep this up for another five years.
Blogger Cunzy11 said...
Pfft. Who cares about them games! All we want to know is:
1. Will there be a ridge Racer game at launch?
2. Will there be an Armored Core game at launch?
3. Will there be a new Tekken ROFLCAUST! OF COURSE THERE WILL
4. Will there be a new multitap that you have to shake around to make the players move
5. Will it launch?
Blogger tentonipete said...
is he wearing a glove?
Blogger Bas said...
The best question yet:

How much longer can Zorg resist the PS3?
Blogger Hughes. said...
I hope you haven't seen that Lotus Elise shot of GTHD, you will actually die. Still at least Sega's new console will be out soon................ oh.
Blogger Michael Rossell said...
Awesome, games that I won't be able to play until March that look as good as games I'm playing right now.

Sony are the masters, stand aside Microsoft with you're equal treatment of all territories.
Blogger Uninexen said...
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Blogger bilal said...
what's wrong with you lot?

Ninja Gaiden 2 is still coming out on the 360. It'll probably come to PS3 aswell but still.

PS3's getting Ninja Gaiden Sigma which is just the xbox one tarted up (in more ways than one - rachel) just like capcom did with resi evil on the cube, and stuff.

So calm down, dear, it's just a remake
Blogger Tomleecee said...
Following on from cunzy11's interesting comments, all I want to know is:

6. Will there be a Kileak the Blood game at launch?
Blogger jawa said...
Surely the question on everybody's brain holes is 'is there going to be a re-mixed version of wip3out 308928 with special box art pantone varnished designs from The Designers Republic, an exhaustative run through of every single track ever designed for the game only upside down and backwards at 30000 times the speed and music exclusively by cold fusion and eat static. And does the box have a scratch and sniff mdma tab?'

isnt it?
Blogger Uninexen said...

Observing audience reactions to Sony's display of upcoming games, this reporter was going to opine that the footage shown was quite literally jaw-dropping, only to later realize that everyone in attendence was a mouth-breather.
Blogger Starke said...
Zorg, you know I love you, you've always got the very best scones out when I come around for tea and your preserves are second to none, but...

"3. Rachel's tits aren't that amazing they're worth spending 500 quid on rotating a camera around"

Yes they fucking are, you clown!

Obv I won't actually be doing that, but bloody hell they're amazing.

It's looking very very very very bad.
Blogger phorenzik said...
The comment under the Devil May Cry pic says 'The' when it should actually say 'Then'. Bet you feel like a thick cunt now don't you?
Blogger jawa said...
isnt there a poll somewhere on who's got the best tits? Rachel from Ninja Gaiden or Lulu from Final Fantasy X?

Would and would. Lovely vectors.
Blogger doctor drill said...
The biggest tits on ps3 will be the mugs who go out and buy one :)
Blogger JoeMDesign said...
But according to,

Virtua Tennis Still Online?

SEGA is keeping hope alive for PS3-owning online tennis fans.
by Kathleen Sanders

September 26, 2006 - Today, reported that Sega had announced that the PlayStation 3 version of the anticipated tennis game Virtua Tennis 3 was forced to scrap online features.

However, when IGN contacted Sega they were unwilling to confirm the loss of online play for the PS3 version. A representative for the company could only assure us that the Xbox 360 version of Virtua Tennis 3 will ship with online play while not confirming the loss of these features for the PS3 version. Confused? So were we.


So you see? Sega games are worse on PS3! Just being on PS3 makes them worse!

All games will be worse on the Sony console... Because they hate how great Sega is!
Blogger S.F.R said...
Ugh, devil may cry 4 indeed. Who cares? If they don't make a 'Krazy Ivan 2' - how can they possibly expect to shift a single unit?
Blogger phorenzik said...
I see you have corrected the typo beneath the Devil May Cry pic. That makes my previous comment redundant, and also has the added effect of making me look like a thick cunt now. Cheers Zorg.

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