As a punishment for doing this, tomorrow we're going to pick a Nintendo game at random and write something about how awesome it is. Every time SEGA does something rubbish from now on, we'll do this. Until it learns.
A POINT ABOUT SONIC'S AGE
Sonic can't be 15. His first game came out 15 years ago. So if he was 15, he would've been zero in 1991. This piece is LITTERED with inaccuracies.
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
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MICRO-BLOG
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW? RECENTLY...
Each post .02% worse than the last. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG SPOTTED SELLING ICE CREAM TO VU... DEAD OR ALIVE XTREME FOOT FETISH SPECIAL PHANTASY STAR UNIVERSE RE-RE-RE-RE-REDELAYED WE DID AN UPDATE ABOUT SOMETHING, THEN GOT SENT A ... WEIRD OLD SEGA FRUIT MACHINE SPECIAL! WE'LL TAKE BACK EVERYTHING WE'VE EVER SAID ABOUT J... SONY CONSOLE LAUNCH, PHASE THREE: SPELL THINGS WRO... SOME STUPID WEB SITE IS *BETTER* AT FINDING SEGA S... WE SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOMETHING WITH THIS JAPANESE... THE DS PUBLICITY MACHINE HAS GONE TOO FAR
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand. |
SHOPS
Use our Play or Amazon Shops to buy those shit Wii games you secretly like, helping the effort. ARCHIVES
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass. |
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
1. The Animal Crossing Wild World mega-feature and public-service review
2. Sonic CD - screenshot parade
3. Cream The Rabbit sexual diagrams
4. OutRun2 screenshot-taking guide for the benefit of inept journalists
5. The personal UKR SEGA Toys Homestar planetarium review
6. Trying to buy an Xbox 360 in London
7. (STILL) THE MOST AMAZING PROMOTIONAL PHOTOGRAPH OF ALL TIME
8. A trip to GamesMaster (in Peckham)
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
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FRIENDS
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near. One Thousand Tiny Things I Hate "LIFESTYLE"
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend. PRIVACY POLICY
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny. |
ACQUAINTANCES
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary. |
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.
Actually, I'd like to think he's using that internet cafe to wank off to the porno of Creme the Rabbit.
Edit: I just read the article and realised it's not an internet cafe, and is actually The Sun newspaper HQ... which could make me look an idiot for making a mistake - but just makes the Sun look even more shit for having such a crap office.
Hedgehogs, as carnivorous animals, should only be fed on cat/dog food and the like. And they drink FUCKING WATER. Is that too hard to remember? And gold rings.
"Stop feeding hedgehogs bread and milk, you fucking old granny shits. How would you like it if someone fed you rusty nails and diarrhoea instead of sherry and Murray Mints with all hair out your handbag stuck all over them?"
Hope Sonic is ok. His home help doesn't call as often she should.
Oh, and I think Sonic was 15 in Sonic 3, too. Surely he'd be in his mid-20's, now?
Although, not as bad as The Star who are the biggest PS3 fanboys ever but still use the old PS3 pictures!
Actually, it was the biggest fun I've ever had, ever. I don't care if you like it or not.