The third-last thing the world needs more of is PDF magazines. Not only is The Player a PDF magazine, and therefore literally unreadable without doing something out of the ordinary, but it's also only available as a zipped file. And it runs MSN conversations between the staff as features. Even Edge never stooped that far up its own arse.
The second-last thing the world needs more of is NINE PAGE interviews with Kieron Gillen, conducted by the sort of people who aspire to one day be like Kieron Gillen if they keep plugging away on that irreverent blog of theirs. NINE PAGES!
And the actual last thing the world needs more of is a FULL PAGE PHOTO of Kieron Gillen's face, especially not if you've just bought a 20" monitor and are yet to turn the brightness down. There's nothing that bad about Kieron's face in particular, it just creates a general feeling of rage.
OFFICIAL NOTIFICATION OF NEW ENEMY:
We are now at a state of enemies with The Player. Anyone caught mentioning, reading, linking to or promoting it in any way is therefore an enemy of UKR.
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
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MICRO-BLOG
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW? RECENTLY...
Each post .02% worse than the last. SEGA BOOTH GIRL PHOTOS FROM THE ATEI SHOW NINTENDOLAND HAS ALSO FALLEN INTO DISREPAIR DEEP INSIDE SEGA WORLD, IN 1999 THE 1991/1992 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG YEARBOOK SONY'S ADVERTISING PEOPLE GET IT RIGHT! HOW TO IDENTIFY JADE RAYMOND, ASSASSINS CREED SPOK... PS3 LIE WATCH: EVIDENCE UPDATED REGARDING 'THE PRI...
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand. |
SHOPS
Use our Play or Amazon Shops to buy those shit Wii games you secretly like, helping the effort. ARCHIVES
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass. |
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
1. The Animal Crossing Wild World mega-feature and public-service review
2. Sonic CD - screenshot parade
3. Cream The Rabbit sexual diagrams
4. OutRun2 screenshot-taking guide for the benefit of inept journalists
5. The personal UKR SEGA Toys Homestar planetarium review
6. Trying to buy an Xbox 360 in London
7. (STILL) THE MOST AMAZING PROMOTIONAL PHOTOGRAPH OF ALL TIME
8. A trip to GamesMaster (in Peckham)
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
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FRIENDS
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near. One Thousand Tiny Things I Hate "LIFESTYLE"
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend. PRIVACY POLICY
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny. |
ACQUAINTANCES
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary. |
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.
He was part of the reason I stopped reading PC Gamer.
mpshfu = the secret art of homosexual kung fu known only by sellect tory politicians.
This is war, holy war. I spit on your mother's grave.
Prepare for a sustained & indiscriminate blogging attack.
Lose.
Why is that?
It's eclectic.
My god are we dealing with a black racist welsh muslim fundamentalist from the 80's?
Game on!
Cunts.
Not exactly user-friendly, is it? A PDF in a zip file?
That's like writing a magazine in size 0.05 print so people need to go out and get special glasses to read it and then putting it in a locked box so they have to go fetch a key as well.
Too much effort for me.
And I haven't trusted Gillen since his review of Hitman: Codename 47. That game deserved a decent score.
BTW, nice site Zorg. I'm a regular lurker, first time poster.
I've got a mate called Kieron and if you take away the glasses and add ginger hair you have the exact same gormless looking twat.
No offense Kieron M but you are a gormless looking ginga twat.
PDF's piss me off; no one reads magazines anymore.
Go at it, people. Fight for my entertainment. I want jibes and cussing, please. Nobody is to surrender, because that's tedious.
P.S
UKR sucks.
There index page on the mag is like an epileptic fit of fonts, oh and how can they review C&C3 and not use the words shite and EA sucks.
They think they're the new PDF mag for people with 'standards'. I think they're the new PDF mag for people who don't really know what they should be reading.
It's such a load of wordy-for-the-sake-of-it hard-to-read pointless shite. The articles have no focus or objective and it's clear no one knows what they're doing.
The press release that's just gone out is really embarrassing for them and they are making fools of themselves.
There's nothing at all of interest in this 'magazine' and it's full of subbing mistakes.
What exactly are they trying to do? Who are they aiming at? And why oh why do they interview a journalist? Over nine pages?
It's so very very bad. NEVER EVER interview a fellow journalist as it always reflects badly on the quality of your own staff, who to be honest should be claiming to be the best journos out there, not fawning over a real journo from whom they obviously seek approval.
Very, very bad.
Well...
I dont see you interviewing Kieron Gillen!
"Gillen also originated the phrase 'robo-crazy' during an interview for a video games satellite channel."
OK now i'm builing up the image of a completely self-obsessed geeky cunt, why is that?
And you're expected to download it, unzip it and then what? Read it on a monitor!? Print it off at a MASSIVE personal cost to yourself!? And not even a ropey demo in sight? Or Final Fantasy beta?!
What is the point?!
We are peaceful. We love peace. We want free palestine ... not only does he Zionist Enemy invade our contry- but UK Resistance delcare state of hate against us. This will not stand. The Ummah will fight this injustice. Already the Swansea Taxi Driver's Union gives us support. Soon we will swarm the Marxist Scum that is UKR.
I thought that was what the Zionists
wanted, Palestine for free
"We are peaceful. We love peace"
Now you're a bunch of hippy pacifists!
Jesus i think these guys are shape-shifters!
Accordingly, as a consequence of illegal advice, we will not comment beyond the public announcement hereinbelow quoted.
"Declaration of Internet Squabbling, The Player versus UK Resistance
Today, July 24th 2007, a day that will live in infamy, UK Resistance announced themselves as an OFFICIAL enemy of The Player magazine. Naturally we are all shocked and alarmed by this turn of events. But we will not lie down and die! E-War was officially declared this afternoon 4:27 GMT.
Earlier today, myself and other members of The Player War Cabinet met for our first strategic battle planning meeting. This aggression will not stand! Official Minister Of War Dr Gonzo aka Chemical Henni has been placed in sole charge of operations and plans for a counter-attack of petty blog entries and sarcastic forum posts are in the final stages of planning. Also, a War alliance between The Player and www.nintards.com and www.xboxstolemylife.co.uk has been formed and Jihadist forces, under the sole control of Chemical Henni have been mobilised for secret operations. Air and Sea forces have been put on a state of heightened alert and the art department informed of the need for a 'UK Resistance sucks, lol' main-site banner urgently. Until tommorow comrades ....
Assalamu Aleikum, wa rahmatu'llah.
General Gonzo."
I might go ahead and do it anyway.
Oh never mind they're coming in zipped PDF format so we can just not bother reading them like everybody else.
Maybe we should rip the piss out of your site on our site? Then you can rip the piss out of our site ripping the piss out of yours.
You have the kind of gumbo we require.
Think about it.
Kicking your own ass is incredibly New Games Journalism!
Unfortunately that's all I like about the site. PDFs are shit and anybody the almighty UK:R takes dislike to, the almighty Myself takes a similar dislike to also.
Dean can have half a point for coming onto our turf to fight an already lost battle.
Minus 10 for being called Dean.
Our website is not coded in wonderful geek languages!!!
I should click and download and wait and unpack and download and install a newer version acrobatreader just to read a pile of half baked wank pages written by students about "god of war 2", an obscure videogame "journalist", an "videogames politics"?
That's silly.
Zorg, these failed students don't deserve UKR's most precious hate.
They deserve silent despise. Look at what you've done : they are so lonely that your hate is like attention to them. Something they crave for, and now they feel like, at last, someone noticed them. They feel they found "a somewhere" on the net where to exist (being hated is so warm and soft and beautiful to them, compared to this silence. It's the nearest form of social relation to friendship they ever got).
You shoud delete you update about them, so that silence can reign again, as it's their real house.
- zlahcpze : the pdf magazine I'd replace the "players"'update with. It's a polish battery magazine.
Whats "hot" and whats "not" in the world of videogames?
Blobs of paint to try and make your mag look arty and sophisticated
Pathetic!
and o my god this shitty game art reminisant of I am 8-bit, o how much i hate I am 8-bit, whats the point? anyway off topic.
However they do rave about a Sega game, shame its virtua striker 2, possibly the one of the worst
Sega games I ever played, but i suppose that makes them cool cos they like a game that nobody else liked.
PATHETIC
http://www.rllmukforum.com/index.php?showtopic=164042
How exactly is it pretentious? Because we're cocky cunts?
LOL
Also, you're entering a world of pain, UKR. A WORLD OF GODDAMN PAIN.
Love you.
Yours,
Paint Troll - The Player
Though even if you converted the whole thing to Flash player, the content would remain unreadable. It's as if six wordy nerds on a dying forum captured an art editor from Edge magazine and forced them to make their ramblings look credible.
Stop trying to defend yourself. The best thing you can do is take the high ground that you and your buddies so desperately crave and not respond.
And while you're not responding, how about having a go at looking beneath all the hatful messages and mockery to attempt to discover where you went wrong.
The fact is, you're not just getting all this stick because you've all come out of nowhere with an ill-deserved sense of accomplishment and cockyness - the mag is completely pointless.
It has nothing to say and what it does try to put across is locked up in the flowery failed attempts at dynamic prose by people who lack the experience or the vocabulary to make this work.
Obviously you're frustrated - you guys believed you were sitting on the holy grail and now you're being mocked. Just go back to the drawing board, fix the writing and the subbing and rid the mag of cliches and irrelevent nonsense and try again. What do you have left to lose?
I'm sure there's a least a dozen of them...
Trust me, if I cared about defending myself, I wouldnt spend my time here.
I love UKR.
This whole adventure is a lot of fun!
Still lolling very hard, and Jay makes my day.
Post again Jay!
EPIC FAIL.
Saves having your own opinion, doesn't it?
I thought that group suicide, spurred on by career ending put-downs would have ensued by now, maybe my watch has stopped.
Its only 5.40PM here, I've got another six hours in me.
Speak soon,
Dean x x
I hereby invoke Godwin's law, and declare everyone a loser.
Also, note to everyone, please stop commenting on the captchas, or I will hit you with my "mdxrmbiz." (That's "Medic's arm Bio Intensified Zapper.")
I only seem to be able to upset dole scammers.
I think you are confusing humans with food-service robots. Dickhead.
And so is that Kieron.
"Saves having your own opinion, doesn't it?"
Wow Mike everyone on UK:R agrees with the creator's opinion, everyone on your blog/forum think your a bunch of cunts.
I'm sure theres a lesson to be learned here.
liktfly - lick the fly (in Yorkshire)
I've not even read the fucking PDF magazine of theirs and I've already decided that it has been written by a fucking bunch of morons who know little to nothing about writing.
---
It's from their blog post -
http://theplayermagazine.blogspot.com/
Where they single out the two worst "journalists" working in the games press. Tim Rogers and Kieron Gillen.
I actually despise the shitheaded musings of Rogers more, he never fucking gets to the point and elaborates on tedious details that he thinks makes him funny and irreverent, it doesn't, it just pisses off people who want content. No one cares about what you think of Kojima's glasses or whether Sakaguchi gives a shit about Gears of War, you stupid fucking imbecile.
---
And this Dean guy, writing for The Player has only just fucking discovered "New Games Journalism"? Where the fuck have you been? Under a rock? Scotland? It's already outmoded and entirely irrelevant.
Cunts like Gillen think they're improving and expanding the influence of the games industry press by writing about the games industry press. No doubt, he's one of the tossers that wank over a copy of the "Videogames" Style Guide.
He's fucking wrong. And so are you. You want to the games press to be taken seriously? Then just write good insightful works. Sean Black's piece on Jedi Knight has nothing at all to do with fucking travel journalism, and it's a shame that it had been tarred with the brush of NGJ, what it is, and what it should be taken as, is just a great piece of writing.
Something these journalism fetishists just can't handle.
Bit of a bell-end, but not a cunt.
The letters "PDF" are a guarantee I will not click on something and I fail to see why fucking idiots use it. What amazing whizzbangery can you achieve in a PDF you can't on a web-page? You really think people will download it and read it for hours on a fucking computer screen? I got a headache just reading 77 fucking comments.
Added to the fact that one of their writers calls himself 'Gonzo' means their twattage levels just blew the fucking gauge!
I mean, don't get me wrong - I love Hunter S. Thompson, and that book is one of my favourites - the film too - but anyone that styles their literature/art after something so cult-worthy, and without humour, satire or relevance, is A Definite Prick.
soon it will be so far removed from the original topic (and so far up its own ass) that it will be forgotten.
wtlsmnh - whsmiths for consonantally incontinent?
I'm writing a poem about it.
This comment now has more intellectual worth than Kieron Gillen's whole body of work.
I've got no real problem with Gillen, I just wish people would realise he's a FUCKING JOURNALIST who should be busy writing SHITE ARTICLES, not enganging in self-obsessed piss like this.
I'd never heard of The Player before. Obviously for good reason. It was brought to my attention here and I agree with what was said about it. Why is that not having my own opinion? It just neatly coincides with the opinion of others. Which just goes to show more than one person can spot a pile of shit from 50 paces. If you ruled the world would everyone have to have a different opinion to everyone else?
And also, @Dean. Back in the young years of this thread. You should be concerned about "bragging" your site is standards compliant and error free when it isn't. Fair enough if you want to play a bragging cunts game, but make sure you can actually play and not just Eddy Gordo button bash it and hope for the best. Especially since you seem to be an entirely online entity. What WOULD people think?
Well we know what they think, really. It's not hard to sort it out either.
This is fact.
Zappy: people putting time and effort into something does not make it or them automatically worthy of respect. I strained heroically for five minutes at a shit this morning, but if I stuck photos of it in a PDF on the internet then I'd still be a cunt, and people would be right to tell me so.
Dean: "Eddy Gordo was fucking pimp", not "a fucking pimp". You suck.
darthjim: Pretentious means you use big words that you don't actually understand, where little ones would get your point across much better because you're trying to impress people. It means "Brooks" thinks that peppering his/her text with contractions ("factions've", "enhancements're", "vogue'll", wtf?) is a stylistic device (it's not). It means thinking your literary wanking is too good or too important for simple webpages so you cram it in a PDF with print-style layouts. It does not mean references to "try-hard snobs" in try-hard, snobbish opening paragraphs; that would be "irony".
Fuckhats.
Funnily enough, I'm not so keen on the idea of catching AIDs!
'Kisses',
Katherine.
esterday I was a bit down.
And faced the day with a frown
Got slated by UK Resistance
And people called me a ponce
In the Thames I was well ready to drown.
Then I saw her post- she called me dumb.
And the way she did it- with superb aplomb!
Such charm, wit and beauty, it woke up me dong.
& I'll freely admit that I did do a tuggy.
& do hope to Allah she won't guess that I'm ugly.
Brooks rocks your world. Admit it. Once you accept it, you can move on with your life, without having to insult people you've never met about a magazine you've not read.
Spunking apostrophes at random across a page, however, does not help. It doesn't do anything other than make it less readable, and to get away with something like that you've got to be a really good writer. Judging by that dreary load of smug wank, however, he simply isn't. It's one of the most shit things I've ever waded through. Apart from the Gillen piece, obviously.
I'm not entirely sure what "the point" is, but presuming it's something to do with upping readership, I'd suggest it's not us missing it.
Dead Rising cheats if poss thanks.
qvwknrv- Fuck off
That you really get into a rage because of their attitude is telling. They may not be the new wine, but they are have done more of worth in that one PDF than GameSpot does in an average year.
Yeah, some of it should be cut, and they obviously need an editor. But to slag it of like you all do here ... I don't get it. It's a decent effort.
Also, I, for one, enjoyed the Gillen interview.
There isn't actually any information at all in that load of shite, just NSJ bollocks expanded over every page.