Retro Gaming Special!

Let us tell you something about "retro gaming" -- it's SHIT and it's for LOSERS. If you are into "retro gaming" you need to STOP LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD, you need to GROW UP and you need to STOP KIDDING YOURSELF that old games are still relevant today. They're not. They're shit. All of them. Even Outrun. You're just making yourself look stupid.

How many times have you spent weeks searching for a ROM of something you once loved, played it for two minutes, got bored, then assumed it's because you're too old to enjoy it or because you've seen it all before? That's not the reason. You get bored with old games you once loved because THEY ARE SHIT. All that has changed is your capacity for rational thought. They were shit then too, you just had nothing good to compare them against.


International Karate VERSUS Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution

One of them has incredible playabilty and depth. The same one also looks fantastic. The other one is just rubbish and old and stupid and if you say you like it, if you even DARE TO SUGGEST that it has ANY MERIT WHATSOEVER BY TODAY'S STANDARDS, you are so very, very wrong. And a big fat twat who lies.

VERDICT: New game is best.



Sonic 2, Mega Drive, £2.50 tops, but only if you're not already really bored of it. But you are, aren't you?

Gran Turismo, PSone, £2 if you haven't already got GT2. Or GT3. In fact, just forget the whole idea.

Altered Beast, Mega Drive, a quid at best. Sega only meant it as a joke, but it all went out of control and they had to make it.

F-Zero, SNES, £3 but only if the box isn't all bent

Final Fantasy VII, PSone, £4 if you're drunk or fancy the girl in the shop

Driver, PSone, £3 if buying it for a disabled relative or someone in a rural area PS2 hasn't reached yet.

Chu Chu Rocket, Dreamcast, £-2. It was given away free. They should pay you to take it off their hands.




Out Run VERSUS Project Gotham Racing

If you still think games like the one on the left look good you are STUPID at best. Outrun may well be a classic, but only to REALLY OLD PEOPLE that have become too slow and stupid to work out how to play NEW and BETTER games.

VERDICT: New game is best.



Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball VERSUS Sam Fox Strip Poker

The woman on the right doesn't really look like a woman. It could be one of the Doctor Whos. Or Simon Le Bon. And wanking over Simon Le Bon was only acceptable in 1984 when you were young and experimenting with your sexuality. That sick feeling you got in your stomach from looking at Sam Foxer Strip Poker wasn't your first feelings of sexual awareness, it was you genuinely feeling sick over how wrong women can look.

The women on the left look BETTER than real women, and will never create arguments out of nothing by simply taking the opposite view to anything you happen to say. That last bit's got nothing to do with retro gaming, it's just an observation on how women are.

The moral: Any game that looks like it's a European mobile phone screensaver should be ignored and/or ridiculed.

VERDICT: New game is best.



GBA SP light removal kit. Ideal for retro-gamers. £49.99.


Available exclusively from men on the internet.


Dreamcast-style case for PlayStation2. Pretend the last three years just haven't happened -- in style!

CAPCOM vs SNK 2 EO review

Anyone who buys this over VF4 deserves to have mercury injected into their eyes by a man who's only pretending to be a doctor and is only really qualified to inject mercury into the arseholes of dogs (under supervision).

SCORE: 0.05 / 10.


"Retro gaming" is like: Owning a television and only watching repeats of Coronation Street from the 1950s

"Retro gaming" is like: Buying EastEnders on DVD.

"Retro gaming" is like: Going back into full-time education because you like school dinners.

"Retro gaming" is like: Selling your car and buying a horse.

"Retro gaming" is like: Actually telling girls not to ever have sex with you.




The Hobbit VERSUS Phantasy Star Online


Don't even start.

VERDICT: New game is best.



Hey look at us! Look at how clever we are! We can increase the resolution of emulators and use screenshots really big too!

This still doesn't make "retro gaming" any good.



We also have a selection of type fonts on our PC which look a bit like they may be from an early eighties arcade machine.

This does not make us clever or more voluminous, it just means we have access to the internet and can find the 'fonts' folder in Windows.



We can also say things like:

20 GOTO 10


But simply BEING ABLE TO REMEMBER THINGS FROM THE PAST and recite them does not make you any cooler. Quite the opposite, in fact, you sneering "retro gaming" ponce.


Employee of the Week
Pretty girls, however, have been consistently brilliant throughout time. Especially ones with tits they grew themselves. We can all kick back and enjoy this together, putting aside our differences like when the Germans played netball against the Iranians during the Falklands war.



Space Harrier VERSUS Rez



VERDICT: Old game is best.


It's not just games that have got loads better, everything's at it!


FILMS Silent black and white clips of trains driving towards the camera. Charlie Chaplin dressed like Hitler. Aliens and robots and stuff in space with pretty women and loud music. Cameron Diaz in a small bra.
CARS Mostly wooden, with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Unsafe -- 8/10 drivers died at the wheel in 1928. Most come with a small electrical device that actually wipes rain off the front glass window for you. Amazing.
PORN Paintings of fat ginger women with scarves draped over the money areas. DVDs of failed models trying to make screams of pain sound like moans of ecstasy. Was that the sound of tearing flesh?
FOOD Bread and cheese, with eggs as a treat in summer as long as the chickens didn't all die in a drought. Fucking chips!
CLOTHES Animal skins, wooden shoes. Men were sewn into underpants for six months at a time. When the zip was invented in 1983 clothes really became popular. Trousers benefited most, despite the great nylon setback of the late-1960s.
TELEVISION Adults teaching children how to make educational books for schools out of toilet rolls and recyled Lancaster Bombers. Red Hot All Girl Amateur Anal Week on Sky.
WOMEN Hairier, less toned, not much fun, pregnant, always ironing and moaning about you being in the pub. Fragranced, depilated, flatter tummies, like a drink, more open to the suggestion of casual sex on busses/trains.
HOUSES Caves, then shed-like huts of made out of wood. Carpeted, radiators, indoor toileting facilities. Virtual palaces.


>> Extremely clever satire on the ludicrously transient state of Japanese consumer society



*Defender excepted.