How to get ahead in games development...
By "Ensign Huey"
Here are some tips on how to succeed in the games industry (after all you're special).
1. Ignore any advice given by gamers, despite their intuitive insight built upon several decades of actually playing games, your coke addled mind is "thinking outside the box" and doesn't need any extra help.
2. Have lengthy discussions about games review scores but always make sure that you score lower than your peers to get that critical edge (you also need to pout as you deliver your "definitive" score).
3. Dismiss frame rate problems out of hand because you've read in Heat that "nobody notices anyway".
4. When you invariably lose on your game during a huge press event, don't admit that you did testing on it. As rule, don't acknowledge games testing exists at all.
5. If you're a girl you can sleep your way to the top. Gaming needs more people that look pretty and there's nothing worse than having to work with someone who does their job properly.
NB: Be selective on your conquests; the last thing you want is one of the muppets blabbing about what a lousy shag you were to a reporter.
6. As shit hits the fan about a bug or a series of bugs that the testers that don't exist found but you ignored and then swathes of the gaming public encountered anyway, hide in the toilet and fill your nose with charlie. If it's an online bug; shrug and carry on nonchalantly thumbing through whatever (anybody who's important doesn't plays online anyway).
7. Don't hire anyone that knows more about games and/or has more talent than you, if you did it would only take people's attention away from your spiky and badly dyed blonde hair.
8. Treat artists and programmers like shit. They only make the games and are thus utterly expendable.
9. Belittle new game ideas put forward by your team. The public don't want fresh new games with a tangible sense of fun; they want the same banal and mediocre gaming fecal matter already available everywhere.
Remember, as long as you're alright that's all that matters. People will forget about GoldenEye Rogue Agent and the Eye Powers and the fact that you said it would be better than Halo 2. After all, if you weren't in the games industry you'd be the failure that everyone said you'd be. You showed them, oh yes.
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW?
Each post .02% worse than the last.
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand.
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass.
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near.
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend.
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny.
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary.
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.